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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 14:56:53 GMT -5
I had the best of both worlds. I was an "only" child until about 17, then acquired 4 brothers and a sister, so I'll have siblings to hang out with as an adult when we're not tormenting each other.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 16, 2016 14:57:33 GMT -5
Yup, my two have totally different personalities and don't like being around each other.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Aug 16, 2016 14:57:55 GMT -5
My brother and I are 6 yrs apart. I loved it! By the time I was ten years old he was driving and dating. When I was twelve, he was in college. He got married when I was in high school. It was awesome! I loved being the only kid around! That probably sounds really bad but I am not going to lie, it was great!
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Aug 16, 2016 14:59:01 GMT -5
Oh, and I'll be 31 in February. So yes, biologically I have plenty of time. I do plan to get my tubes tied once we're totally, totally sure we're done (if I have another baby it'll be done during the C section I have to have anyway) but don't worry, I won't rush that decision. As much as I want this settled, I won't do anything permanent for probably at least another year (unless we do go for it in 2017, lol). Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just have an accident! But it's not likely to happen. First, welcome back. Good to hear from you. Next, I've been reading your posts and can detect the enormous stress you seem to be experiencing. I agree with Drama....you need someone who is objective and in a private setting to fully vent and work through this with. A friend, pastor, counselor....even something short term. You appear to be inundated with this uncertainty and the unhappiness it is seeming to cause you. For today, is it possible to shift your thoughts to something else? I'm sure at work you're engaged in what you're doing so that must help. But at other times might it not be good to focus on all the things that you have that are good and working well right now? This is actually one of the strategies used for anxiety and panic disorders. Shifting negative thoughts. It takes a bit of work to do it but can be a help. You're putting so much pressure on yourself and your family. Is it possible that some has been caused from the losses this past year?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 16, 2016 15:06:37 GMT -5
Just curious but why would you "resent" a child?
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 16, 2016 15:18:43 GMT -5
There is 5 years between my brother and I and we are very close. We fought like cats and dogs when we were kids, but we are very close. I also have three younger step-siblings, who are 6, 8, and 17 years younger than I am. I get along with all of them, but I'm not close to the two older ones, because I didn't grow up with them.
The thing is you just never know. My BFF is a middle child. Her sister is three years older and her brother is four years younger, and she doesn't get along with either of them and she never has (although that is primarily because they are useless). As a result, it's been very important to her to foster an atmosphere between her kids where they can be close, and judging from their relationships so far, they will be. And my BFF was married almost a decade before she started having kids because she was concerned about being a good parent, about having more than one, etc.
You have time. If you want more than one, then I think your kids have a good chance of being close regardless of their age range because you will help foster that. There are siblings who are a few years apart who never get along and there are siblings who are 10-12 years apart that are very close.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 15:25:16 GMT -5
You need to have MORE kids then. I come from 4. We all kind of take turns getting along, lol. Right now DB1 is kind of on the outs, but that's because he's being an ass to DB2. DH comes from 6 and at any given time there are a couple that don't want to play well in the sandbox, but for the most part people get along.
And you are a fabulous mom. Your feelings of not being a great mom are normal, and wouldn't go away if you had the 2nd or didn't. That's usually the sign of a great mom: she cares so much that she feels like she's failing in some way. I don't want to assume to know your feelings, but I honestly think you wouldn't regret actually having a 2nd child, but maybe regret the ways in which it would alter the choices you could give to your DD now. That's more of a balancing act & realizing nothing will ever be perfect but things can be really GOOD no matter what depending on how you view it. You could be discontent with one child, and you could be discontent with two. Or you could choose to be happy either way.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 15:25:51 GMT -5
My Mom has 7 siblings and there are several that are within 4 year of her, but she's closest to her sister that is 6 years younger than her. They just had the most in common of all of them.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 15:36:32 GMT -5
MJ, I actually didn't know you were an only child. How did you feel about it? well, I didn't have a typical "only child" upbringing really. I am my mother and father's only child. They split when I was 7-8 and my mom and I went to live with the man who would become my stepfather. It was the 3 of us for a while, but when I was 10-11 we took custody of his two distant cousins (we called them nieces because there was a HUGE age gap). They were right around my age, so it was like having sisters from age 11-18. But the first 11 years of my life I was a little jealous of the kids with siblings. I wanted someone to play with and talk to about stuff. I see that with DS... but I think about starting over again, and right now a pregnancy would be one of the worst things that could happen to me. I can't afford another mouth to feed, I can't afford daycare, and I need sleep!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 16, 2016 16:02:02 GMT -5
I see your points, but I just don't think there's a magic formula or answer for proper kid spacing. You have to do what's best for the whole family, not just what you think is best for the kid(s). And kids will either get along and play together or they won't. And if they get along and play together now, there is no guarantee that dynamic will continue into adulthood. And vice versa. But I'm a selfish and spoiled only child with only one child, so what do I know? You are on fire in this thread and I agree with everything you've said. And I'm a selfish and spoiled child from a family of 9 people that started only child and grew up middle child. Plus ours was yours, mine, and ours so it really is a crap shoot. LOL! Firebird - You are still so young so please try to relax about this huge decision. I think you are smart to put a lot of thought to it, of course, but stop stressing so much. Besides - stress just distorts your decision making and may cause the wrong decision being made so STOP IT! I'm happy that you found the perfect place for you and your family. That is the hardest part really and the rest will fall into place but you'll have to be a little more patient with yourself.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Aug 16, 2016 16:05:52 GMT -5
Hey there!
I actually agree with Drama. You definitely need to see a professional for some coping mechanisms about this stress that is eating away at you, and possibly some meds. You insist that once you've made the decision it will be made and you will be stress-free but that is really not at all the way it is coming off. I think if you make the decision to have another one, maybe that will be the case. But if you make the decision not to, I feel like you will still be turning it over and over and over in your head. Because even if you made that "decision", it's not binding. There is nothing that would stop you from feeling exactly how you do now.
I also agree with those that say you really need to table any notion of a 2nd kid for right now. You cannot afford it right now. That is just a fact. Recognize that it is an undeniable fact and you have to put it out of your head for the moment. Also, quite honestly, it's enough on your parents to have three of you in their house. Don't subject them to a 4th that cries in the night.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Aug 16, 2016 16:11:05 GMT -5
Like anything in life being an only child had its pros and cons. We lived with roommates most of my life and from the age of about 8-16 I basically had brothers. When I was little I told my mom I wanted a brother or sister and after getting one I learned it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. It can help you learn to deal with someone else your own age which prepares you for school/work/life but eventually you get friends and have kids at school or in the neighborhood you learn to deal with. The benefit to having them over siblings/roommates is that when you're tired of them you can just go home. No matter how much parents think their kids will get along, help one another or keep each other entertained there's no guarantee on how that plays out. Some of my friends growing up beat the crap out of each other and didn't get along until adulthood. I wouldn't count on kid 1 playing well with others or being entertained by having kid 2 around.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 16:13:29 GMT -5
FB - you say DH has retail experience. Even in touristy towns there's plenty of shopping, I assume Bend is probably no different. Before my current job I worked at Target as a team lead unloading trucks at 4am. There's generally a need for people willing to do logistics work. And that might cut back on your need for childcare/preschool if DH can work hours that allow him to be home before you or your parents need to leave (not sure if they are still working & if they could cover short gaps in childcare coverage). There are so many days when I DREAM about going back to Target. Seriously.
Also, would you all qualify for preschool through the school district? Around here it's based on financial need & educational needs. That may be an option for your DD. OR - DH could get a job in child care and get tuition free for your DD
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 16, 2016 16:17:04 GMT -5
9 years between my (half) sister and I. Sometimes we adored each other, sometimes we hated each other. She is the best aunt in the world to my kids now and I like to think I am somewhat supportive of her when she needs something. I'm incredibly grateful to have had her as additional support (to my mom/family) when my grandparents were living, and am glad that her and I should have each other when we deal with similar issues with our mom and my dad.
Total crapshoot that you can't control. My grandparents had an oops baby 10 years younger than the 1st 4, so they tried for one more to give her playmate. Ended up with twins who only played together. I've heard that 3+ is a good # so there is almost always 2 that are tolerating each other.
They are already too far apart in age that they'll be in the same activities. Rec center I've found is good at having different ages/levels at the same time for things like swim and ice skating lessons that can have a lot of kids out at once. If you're getting into dance, gymnastics or team sports I doubt it would work out so well. But that is such a short period of life, and you have your parents as a support system. I wouldn't hold off just because of that.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 16, 2016 16:18:05 GMT -5
Just curious but why would you "resent" a child? Lots of reasons. When researchers can get honest responses out of folks there's quite a few that regret having kids or regret having another. And regret and resent aren't that far off always. Google hax philes when only one of you wants a kid and read the comments. It's rather eye opening due to the honest responses. Parents who resent/regret their kid. Kids who were resented/regretted. Parents who thought they might but didn't. Society places an awful lot of pressure on people to have kids which can lead to people that shouldn't have had a kid having them because that's what they should want.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 16:19:14 GMT -5
Just to clarify, NO plans to TTC until we're either out of my parents' house or on track to be so. That's not even a question. Even if everything were roses and unicorns, I wouldn't start TTC until 2017. I don't want to get pregnant immediately after starting a new job, especially this one. Gotta build the trust first. And if my pregnancy with Babybird was any indication, "TTC" will take about two weeks
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Aug 16, 2016 16:26:14 GMT -5
Bend is beautiful, but definitely not inexpensive. I used to spend weeks every spring and summer in Redmond since that's where my grandparents and a lot of family lived. We've all been perplexed on how Bend has managed to grow and get so expensive, because there really are no jobs there to support it. I think a lot of people have jobs where they telecommute or "fly in".
Since it's been that way for a long time (seems like it really started growing in the 90s), I honestly would not expect job wages to start coming into line with expenses. It may happen, but it's been that way there a long time.
Good luck in the job and house hunts though! We still go down there every so often so mom can visit her sisters who still live there, attend family functions, etc. I do see the appeal.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 16:35:56 GMT -5
Personally, I am in love with Sunriver. The houses out there are freaking gorgeous and surprisingly affordable. Problem is, it would be super tough to get to Bend in bad weather. I've already done it, and it was a bit nerve wracking (I say that as someone who doesn't mind driving in bad weather at all).
Redmond is also a possibility. Sisters is way too far (a pity; love the houses there too).
To give everyone an idea of pricing, my parents paid $299k for a brand new construction 3br/2ba house. It's like 1800sf, gorgeous layout, they got to pick their counters and whatnot. I think they also got the AC and dishwasher included in their price (that was because they were paying cash though).
Other than DH wanting a slightly bigger backyard, this house would be perfect for us. Perfect size, perfect space. Now, I do realize that $300k is out of our current price range. This is just to give an idea of what the prices are like here at the moment. Granted, they bought around six months ago and I think the house has already increased in value.
Pop, bubble, pop!
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Aug 16, 2016 16:39:01 GMT -5
Question for those of you with large (5+ years) gaps between your kids (or between you and your siblings) - how do they/you get along? Literally hated each other until each one moved out. There are five of us, all five years apart except for two who were two years apart. Those two were the only ones who got along before leaving home. We played together when we had to, but mostly we couldn't stand each other. Now that we are all grown and on our own, we get along fine.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Aug 16, 2016 16:44:42 GMT -5
Personally, I am in love with Sunriver. The houses out there are freaking gorgeous and surprisingly affordable. Problem is, it would be super tough to get to Bend in bad weather. I've already done it, and it was a bit nerve wracking (I say that as someone who doesn't mind driving in bad weather at all). Ever since I had family move up there it's one of those things where I heard about Bend more or came across people familiar with it. Anyways my dad lives or at least lived in Sunriver and I think this is the first time I've heard it mentioned in almost 20 years. I'd bet money he's still in the same place as he bought the house when he moved there. It was nice but I can see how it could be a pain getting to Bend during winters.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 16, 2016 16:45:09 GMT -5
Personally, I am in love with Sunriver. The houses out there are freaking gorgeous and surprisingly affordable. Problem is, it would be super tough to get to Bend in bad weather. I've already done it, and it was a bit nerve wracking (I say that as someone who doesn't mind driving in bad weather at all). Redmond is also a possibility. Sisters is way too far (a pity; love the houses there too). To give everyone an idea of pricing, my parents paid $299k for a brand new construction 3br/2ba house. It's like 1800sf, gorgeous layout, they got to pick their counters and whatnot. I think they also got the AC and dishwasher included in their price (that was because they were paying cash though). Other than DH wanting a slightly bigger backyard, this house would be perfect for us. Perfect size, perfect space. Now, I do realize that $300k is out of our current price range. This is just to give an idea of what the prices are like here at the moment. Granted, they bought around six months ago and I think the house has already increased in value. Pop, bubble, pop! Housing seems pretty reasonable then. It will take awhile to save up a deposit and a good emergency fund. I bet by the time that happens both you and DH will be firmly established in decent jobs, where you can afford that kind of house with two incomes. As as for the kid thing, the best part about having kids with a bigger age gap is that you will never have to try and pay for college tuition for more than one kid at a time. You won't be deadline with full-time daycare for two kids at the same time, etc.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 17:09:17 GMT -5
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Aug 16, 2016 17:20:04 GMT -5
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 16, 2016 17:29:51 GMT -5
Well you only get a 20% at that price. So you'd only need to find a place to live the other 80% of the time
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 16, 2016 17:34:19 GMT -5
Just for comparison, this is what you get for $250k in the Seattle area: 3bd/1ba/880sqft $250,000 www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/11411-71st-Pl-S-98178/home/176469
In roughly that same neighborhood (which is technically in Renton, not Seattle, and not one of the best neighborhoods), you can get 3bd/2ba/1540sqft for $389k www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/11232-56th-Ave-S-98178/home/177965
But in Seattle proper (north Seattle, in this case), 3bd/2ba/1540sqft will cost you $600k www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/2712-NE-135th-St-98125/home/115056
Just a reminder that it is very possible that housing prices in Bend are "on par" with what people can earn in Bend, because while some people earn a lot in Seattle, the median HOUSEHOLD income in Seattle is $71k. So less than what you and DH would make if you're both making $40k/yr, with housing prices 2x as expensive.
But really just giving you a hard time. *hugs*
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 17:41:40 GMT -5
So I think we need to talk about why I'm not a fleet manager. I'm hiring for one right now and we are probably going to end up paying $50-60k. It's funny how that used to sound low to me
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Aug 16, 2016 17:45:11 GMT -5
So I think we need to talk about why I'm not a fleet manager. I'm hiring for one right now and we are probably going to end up paying $50-60k. It's funny how that used to sound low to me Fleet manager - as in shipping? If so, that sounds really low.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 17:51:28 GMT -5
Welcome to Bend But no, fleet as in vehicle maintenance.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Aug 16, 2016 19:20:58 GMT -5
So I think we need to talk about why I'm not a fleet manager. I'm hiring for one right now and we are probably going to end up paying $50-60k. It's funny how that used to sound low to me Warning - I am simply sharing my ideas, thoughts and experiences - as always, YMMV. In order for your family to survive and thrive in a place like Bend, OR, this is exactly how you have to think. You and your DH need to choose your fields of employment based in the jobs available there that pay a living wage/benefits. The demographics there are almost identical to the Central Coast. Lots of retirees combined with state and community colleges create an intelligent, educated, and experienced work force that has access to "other" money. They are more likely to be working for extra social security quarters or to subsidize their education funds. Those are two forces that when combined will always keep community wages artificially low and really cannot be effectively countered. Plus it is a very desirable area and there is a prevailing attitude that you just have to accept making less in order to live there. Housing and other necessities are higher than the wage structure can support. There ways to effectively counter these facts of life in a desirable area. First of all, you need to examine the most common industries and the largest employers of the area. You also need to look at what jobs are typically not done by students/retirees and preferably jobs where the salaries are strongly influenced by other locations. For example, the top three fields of employment in Bend, OR, are tourism, healthcare/social services, and professional/scientific/technology. I happen to believe that a couple can best weather the economic cycles of life by working in different industeies, meaning ideally one if you would work in healthcare/social service while the other is in the professional/scientific/technology. You might wish to explore the option of further education for your husband. The bottom line it that you have to clot the fact that you will never equal what you made in the Bay Area and honestly, IMHO, 50% plus benefits is doing very well. I have been looking at relocating and I recently realized that those low house payments in flyover country come with monthly heating bills of $300 in the winter and equal cooling bills in the summer. The weather causes cars to rot out sooner, increased home/property maintenance costs and lower average incomes, one does not necessarily have a lot more money left over. Second, you need to look at lifestyle, lifestyle creep and carefully decide what you are willing to compromise on along with what you can/will eliminate. For example, with housing factors include house size, type, age and location, combined with the costs of the maintenance, commute and job security. If your family spends a lot if time outdoors you may find you need less house that do those who are totally snowed in for 4-5 months of the year. If your extended family is nearby and you love where you live, you may find that travel is less if a priority than it was. Given that there are two college locally, you may be able to save on education costs for your child/ren. Also, once both of you are acclimated and accepted there, there will be new oportunities. Once you are a valued employee, you may be able to telecommute from home during the worst of the winter storms. After five years, you will find that your wants and needs have completely changed as will your wants and desires. Many choose a less disposable, more long term investment lifestyle while others find the opposite works for them. My only thought regarding children is this - no matter what you do and/or don't do, you will have regrets and disappointments. That is an unfortunate fact of modern life for educated, thinking, actualized women. For example, I chose to regret not having children due to the fact that my early marriage was unsuitable and later in life I never met the right man at the right time. I decided I could more easily live with what I had not done with regards to children. The great thing is that was and my choice. On the issue of children, ask yourself if you are focusing your anxiety there because it is the one thing in this time of your life that you can control. Finally, one can only plan and prepare so much. TheN you just has to throw caution to the wind and go for it. We all have to find a way to believe that whatever forces got you where you are, will also get you through the tough times. Cliches exist because they are true. I belive in preparifor the three D's of life - disability, divorce, and death. Add in unemployment and illness and it's very clear to me that no one gets out of this life undamaged. But we go on. Godspeed.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 16, 2016 19:26:07 GMT -5
Just for comparison, this is what you get for $250k in the Seattle area: 3bd/1ba/880sqft $250,000 www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/11411-71st-Pl-S-98178/home/176469
In roughly that same neighborhood (which is technically in Renton, not Seattle, and not one of the best neighborhoods), you can get 3bd/2ba/1540sqft for $389k www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/11232-56th-Ave-S-98178/home/177965
But in Seattle proper (north Seattle, in this case), 3bd/2ba/1540sqft will cost you $600k www.redfin.com/WA/Seattle/2712-NE-135th-St-98125/home/115056
Just a reminder that it is very possible that housing prices in Bend are "on par" with what people can earn in Bend, because while some people earn a lot in Seattle, the median HOUSEHOLD income in Seattle is $71k. So less than what you and DH would make if you're both making $40k/yr, with housing prices 2x as expensive.
But really just giving you a hard time. *hugs* It doesn't get any better going 100 miles north of Seattle. This is what $259k gets you here. www.home4investment.com/homes/2731-Yew-St/Bellingham/WA/98229/65704048/
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