Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 9:44:05 GMT -5
And this is why I'm not on here much anymore. I have no self control when it comes to responding on threads!
Two quick answers since several people asked:
On the kid thing (repost): It's hard to describe how much pain this causes me on a daily basis. That's why 2017 is now or never. It's been nearly four years and I can't keep living this way. I know this is a simple decision for a lot of people but it's killing me.
So yeah, no medical reason. Just me needing to get this resolved. We're also approaching the maximum gap I want between kids if we have more than one. We wouldn't start trying before next year, in any case.
Babybird will be 4 in October, by the way.
On the cell plan: I think it's so high because we pay for our phones as we go but I'd have to check. DH would know for sure.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 9:46:46 GMT -5
I agree with swasat that you should not add another kid... at least not anytime in the near future. You are younger than I am, my DS just turned 5 at the end of July, I am single, and I am not 100% opposed to having another kid at some point. Well, my softish-medium deadline is age 38, lol! Why force an arbitrary deadline on yourself? Your body isn't going to forget how to have a baby and you may be more mellowed out in 2-3 years.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 11:25:51 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 9:47:23 GMT -5
And this is why I'm not on here much anymore. I have no self control when it comes to responding on threads! Two quick answers since several people asked: On the kid thing (repost): It's hard to describe how much pain this causes me on a daily basis. That's why 2017 is now or never. It's been nearly four years and I can't keep living this way. I know this is a simple decision for a lot of people but it's killing me. Babybird will be 4 in October. On the cell plan: I think it's so high because we pay for our phones as we go but I'd have to check. DH would know for sure. So, if you decide "No" for 2017 what is going to keep you from still being tormented in 2018? Are you able to make a decision and that be it? How old are you? Is it biologically pressing at all?
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Aug 16, 2016 9:47:54 GMT -5
We have 3 phones on an AT&T plan, unlimited text and data and our bill is $120/month!
So yeah....$300 for 4 lines seems very high to me.
Having said that, I don't think a cheaper phone plan is going to fix your situation. Its too small an amount to fix your immediate problems.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 16, 2016 9:51:52 GMT -5
I know the cells are non negotiable, but have you checked the plans lately? We pay less than that for five phones with Verizon. They just put out a new plan that's 150 for four lines and 16g. I'd think the other companies are similar if you don't have Verizon? While it's not a huge amount of savings, it'd help a little. $300 is a LOT for 4 phones. There are so many prepaid options that are way less. Unlimited everything with Virgin Mobile is something like $35/line. We don't need unlimited data so go with Ting and pay about $50/month for two lines. In the PNW, where you live really limits cell phone options. We have Ting, but are adjacent to areas where our cell phones are useless....like our vet. The vet's office is about 10 miles out of town, but I have no reception whatsoever there. Same with Internet providers.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,108
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 16, 2016 9:52:53 GMT -5
And this is why I'm not on here much anymore. I have no self control when it comes to responding on threads! Two quick answers since several people asked: On the kid thing (repost): It's hard to describe how much pain this causes me on a daily basis. That's why 2017 is now or never. It's been nearly four years and I can't keep living this way. I know this is a simple decision for a lot of people but it's killing me. Babybird will be 4 in October. On the cell plan: I think it's so high because we pay for our phones as we go but I'd have to check. DH would know for sure. Then I am going to repeat myself and tell you to find a therapist. While I do not agonize over kids I can tell you that after everything that has gone on in our lives my anxiety is thru the roof to the point where others are concerned I'll drop dead if a stroke. It's not a healthy way to live. If you are going to force yourself to hold this deadline then you must learn coping skills both to be able to make the decision and live with it. Otherwise you'll force yourself to decide and just replace that anxiety with anxiety over whether or not you made the right decision. You'll never be at peace because there will always be a way to find something new to stress about.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 11:25:51 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 10:00:47 GMT -5
My kids are 8 years apart. The advantage to this is that older was pretty much through with daycare by the time younger came along, plus he actually helps out with his brother.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 10:02:46 GMT -5
Drama - I've actually been in therapy over this (again: very tumultuous year emotionally). I've learned to stress about it a tiny bit less, but it hasn't taken the burden of the conflict away. I don't think anything ever will.
I don't really expect anyone else to get it. DH doesn't. It's hard for people to understand how I can want another kid more than anything and also want NOT to have another kid more than anything. Hell, it's hard to understand it myself.
I agree it isn't healthy. Unfortunately, that just doesn't change how it is for me. I fully realize there are people with bigger problems. But this is mine. And I can't change how I feel. Trust me, I've tried.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,108
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 16, 2016 10:03:58 GMT -5
My kids are 8 years apart. The advantage to this is that older was pretty much through with daycare by the time younger came along, plus he actually helps out with his brother. Gwen and Abby are four years apart. Here there is free public preschool so by the time Abby arrived we were done with full time care for Gwen during most of the year. That was part of DH's logic for suggesting we table being officially done for two more years.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Aug 16, 2016 10:05:08 GMT -5
Sounds like you really want a kid, but can't afford it right now. Try not to even think about it until your DH gets a job in Bend. Then you'll have a better idea about affordability. As to the rest--you're just in a rough patch right now. You'll get through it. The car will be paid off eventually, and you'll both have jobs and raises as well.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 10:07:00 GMT -5
When I visited Bend with you, I was pretty startled by the prices of things (in the shops and going out to eat). Tourism is the leading industry there, and unfortunately tourism doesn't pay well. It seemed like there were 1000s of guys willing to sleep in their car just so they could take advantage of all the outdoors activities and micro-brew. LOL I lived in Port Townsend for 6ish years and it's the same as Bend: crappy salaries due to no industry but tourism. I *do* think a year from now you guys are going to be in a much better place. The unknown over unemployment is a killer stress, but you'll find out about that in a month (fingers crossed for you!). Since we're on YM, my YM advice is you should probably sell the car. I know, I know. But that payment is a killer for you. The good thing is the resale value is high, so once DH is in Bend you could probably sell it easily and get a cash car for hopping around town while job hunting. A perk of Bend is, after all, you don't have to drive far to get anywhere. I think you guys are in a situation where you need to put your gas masks on. Meaning, before you can care about anyone else's needs, you need to take care of yours FIRST. You are amazing people and are always there to help others, but now it's getting to a point where you're running out of financial oxygen. Put your gas masks on, hunker down, and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are well on your way. I know you guys will get there. But yes, to live in Bend I think you'll have to adjust expectations of what your financial reality will be. You'll be fine/comfortable, but you may not get to have nice things like your Subaru (for example). One last thing: remember you are sooooooo young! DH and I didn't buy a house until we were 30, and it was definitely a little starter house we couldn't afford to fix up in any way. Our salaries were so much lower back then. We just kept plodding along with our crappy-ish cars and hand me down furniture. It's only now in our early 40s that we feel more relaxed about money. So, remember that your situation is not atypical.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,108
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 16, 2016 10:10:02 GMT -5
Drama - I've actually been in therapy over this (again: very tumultuous year emotionally). I've learned to stress about it a tiny bit less, but it hasn't taken the burden of the conflict away. I don't think anything ever will. I don't really expect anyone else to get it. DH doesn't. It's hard for people to understand how I can want another kid more than anything and also want NOT to have another kid more than anything. Hell, it's hard to understand it myself. I agree it isn't healthy. Unfortunately, that just doesn't change how it is for me. I fully realize there are people with bigger problems. But this is mine. And I can't change how I feel. Trust me, I've tried. You really think forcing yourself to decide in the middle of several other major life changes is going to help? Will you be at peace or just shift the anxiety to whether or not you made the right choice? I get you are determined and won't be swayed. I can just say you're not going to solve anything forcing yourself to make a final decision "now". There will be something new to take its place.[ That is what I'm telling you to get therapy for. It's the same situation I am in right now. I got to learn to live with my decisions and not let a new anxiety take its place. I lost that with everything that has gone on in our lives. It's very hard to reprogram my brain out of its new normal. That's why we're not making any major life decisions right now. We're focusing on cleaning up the mess and stability.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Aug 16, 2016 10:12:07 GMT -5
I'm probably confusing you with another poster, but I thought the car was purchased with an inheritance, no?
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Aug 16, 2016 10:12:35 GMT -5
My kids are 8 years apart. The advantage to this is that older was pretty much through with daycare by the time younger came along, plus he actually helps out with his brother. My two are 7.5 years apart. She was a huge help with DS! When she went off to college I found out how much I really relied on her! They didn't share toys type of thing but do have an amazing relationship. Heck who cares if they can't play pokemon go together? It isn't like they don't have friends from school to play with. I also wouldn't want my DH to quit a job without getting a new one first. That sounds like just adding stress on top of stress to me.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 16, 2016 10:14:38 GMT -5
Beth waves madly at formerly sk and hollers "Hello! Good to see, er, read you!"
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 11:25:51 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 10:16:20 GMT -5
My kids are 8 years apart. The advantage to this is that older was pretty much through with daycare by the time younger came along, plus he actually helps out with his brother. My two are 7.5 years apart. She was a huge help with DS! When she went off to college I found out how much I really relied on her! They didn't share toys type of thing but do have an amazing relationship. Heck who cares if they can't play pokemon go together? It isn't like they don't have friends from school to play with. I also wouldn't want my DH to quit a job without getting a new one first. That sounds like just adding stress on top of stress to me. Mine play Pokemon Go together all the time, and talk about it...all...the...time. I'm really worried about what life is going to be like once older moves out in 4 years. His brother worships him and is so sad when he's just gone for a couple weeks to camp.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 10:16:49 GMT -5
Beth waves madly at formerly sk and hollers "Hello! Good to see, er, read you!" (((Waves back))) Yes, I've been MIA a long time too. I've missed everyone!
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 10:17:50 GMT -5
When I get super stressed, I learned to start counting my blessings. Yeah money is tight and will be MUCH tighter for the next 5 years. But I have my health, DS's health, we have a decent roof over our heads, decent food on the table, all of our needs are met, and a lot of our wants are met (a lot less "wants" will be met going forward though).
Right now you have: A loving and supportive DH A loving and supportive family who is letting you live with them A wonderful little girl Your health (I assume) and mental faculties DH's health (I assume) and mental faculties Food on the table Good preschool for DD Shelter Basic needs met Your income DH's income
Please take some solace in that. It won't solve all your problems, but try to see the blessings around you. Bad times don't last forever.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Aug 16, 2016 10:20:13 GMT -5
My actual advice is to tell yourself no to second kid. (Hey, that's what ym is for, telling others how to live!) My reasoning is you don't seem the type to bring in another kid while you're uncertain. Many of the things you're uncertain about might not be resolved by 2017 since it's almost here. From your posts I feel like any weight lifted off your shoulders will help. And finally, it's the only choice you have that can be undone. And I don't mean "say" no second kid. I mean actually tell yourself actually no second kid. Live with it. Write no second kid on your mirror if you have to to remind yourself every day. Plan everything as if she's your only kid.
After a while you'll either figure out it was the right choice for you or you'll realize it wasn't. But you won't know for sure if it's what you really want until you live life having an only child.
I think you're stressing out too much and chasing your tail too much that you won't be able to make the "right" decision and live comfortably with it, so your only choice is to make the one decision that's reversible, live full heartedly that way, and see what happens.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Aug 16, 2016 10:35:29 GMT -5
Beth waves madly at formerly sk and hollers "Hello! Good to see, er, read you!" (((Waves back))) Yes, I've been MIA a long time too. I've missed everyone! Hello stranger I have been wondering about you.... How are things with your younger DS? Hope everything settled down just fine and he (and all of you) are in a much happier place! Feel free to not answer.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Aug 16, 2016 10:39:48 GMT -5
Well...I am again going to go against the grain and say that Firebird is right in some of her stress.
Future baby/decision making ...probably not. Financial strain....absolutely yes!!
They made their life decision on where they wanted to live, not on whether its "feasible" to live there. So yeah, they need it figured out before they are even more in the red. $17/hour is not enough for them to lead an easy life on. Yeah, I know many people do it on less, but Firebird doesn't and doesn't want to in the future...hence the anxiety! SO she absolutely needs to determine how to increase income or if Bend is for them or how to make it work.
Better now than later.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Aug 16, 2016 10:44:41 GMT -5
Seems like she is in search of perfection. The perfect place to live, the perfect family set-up, the perfect balance sheet, etc. Searching for perfection will drive you nuts. Sometimes ya gotta just embrace the good enough for now.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 10:45:27 GMT -5
oh, I TOTALLY get the stress! I'm in the camp of "don't voluntarily add to the load, keep plugging away, and relief will come". I don't think now is a good time mentally to make decisions on more kids. Major decisions like that need to be made with a cool and rational head, and no offense, but it doesn't sound like that head is available at the moment. Like justme said, take it off the table for now and KEEP it off. You can revisit and change your mind later. It's easier to have a kid later than have one now and realize you should have waited.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Aug 16, 2016 10:47:29 GMT -5
Yep!! The income part THAT needs fixing! They are barely treading water now, something gotta change to fix the income part.
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Aug 16, 2016 11:20:05 GMT -5
MAYBE go back to Portland for a couple of years, earn more money, hoard cash like a fiend, and THEN make the move to Bend when you are in a better financial position to live there?
ETA: Because, frankly, there is no advice anyone here -- despite ALL of the collective experience and knowledge -- can offer that can fix your financial situation in Bend immediately.
Since your DH is still in Portland, you're kind of in between both places anyway, so a move back would not be a complete upheaval. Go back, get a better-paying job, live on a strict budget (akin to what your life would be in Bend at Bend salaries) and sock away every other penny.
Revisit your move in 2 years.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 16, 2016 11:45:02 GMT -5
I have 5 and a half years between my two. DS was in K which was full time in Florida so I only had daycare for one child. I planned for the next baby to be earlier than she was but only by about 6 months. Part of me was ," Oh no, the baby stuff all over again" when it was all over with DS. The other part of me liked having two and having them be opposite genders. I was 28 with DS and 33 with DD. I always wanted a third but given how I ended up, it was probably best. I wish I'd had a third with my DH. He wished it, too.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 16, 2016 11:58:36 GMT -5
My 2 cents 1. Instead of giving yourself to the end of 2017 to decide to have a kid or not. Table any thoughts of it until 2017 is over. Take that stress out of your life.
2. Location - location is great, but only if you can afford to live there. I can honestly say affordability in terms of job salary + housing costs/COL played a huge part in my decision as to where we moved. If jobs don't pay, or it is hard to find a new job/options for a different job, then it may look make your ideal place to live a nightmare. Am living in a perfect location with a perfect job? No. But I'm living in a good affordable location with great schools, tons of parks and I can be at my parents house in 3 hours with a 3 year old having to go potty every 5 minutes.
3. Retirement. Get back on that stat. Are you giving up matches in your retirement at work? That is free money. Yes at 30+ there is plenty of time, but not if you keep putting it off. This isn't like just putting off a kid another year, once those dollars are gone, you aren't getting the money back.
4. Lifestyle creep. I get it, life is hard with kids. Creep sets in , but come on Firebird, where is the girl who paid off her loans, buckled down and paid for the rest of school on the cheep? If you want to feel like your you have your financial life back under control, I suggest you revisit what you did back then. You did it once. You can do it again.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Aug 16, 2016 12:05:15 GMT -5
Vancouver is a nice place to live.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 12:28:35 GMT -5
Buahaha, I've missed hearing that I'm doing life all wrong and must immediately cancel all my plans No, we're not going to move back at this point. I finally found a job I love in the exact place we want to be. It's an amazing career opportunity and a great team. I worked my ass off to get to this point, plus *I'm* making just as much here as I was in Portland ($24/hr without benefits is pretty damn close to $20/hr with benefits). I'd have to go back to California to get back up to my previous income level. Yes, replacing DH's income will be key. But I believe he can do it, and probably a lot faster than I did. I agree it would be ideal for DH to have a job before he gets here (which is why we didn't cancel our lease and have him quit as soon as I found a job), but our lease is up in September and renewing it is... not going to happen. We've been living apart for five or six months and it sucks. It doesn't make sense to keep all of our housing expenses up there (which are so high that his salary is almost a wash right now anyway) when we can have free rent here and be together. He needs to make enough to cover a $1k gap right away, either through unemployment or a short term job. DH has tons of retail experience and the backup plan if he can't get unemployment is to go back to working in a grocery store. He can almost certainly bring in $1k/month doing that. I'm also willing to get a second job if it comes to that. It's scary, yes, but we've waited FOREVER for this. We'll find a way to make it work. We've been together for 7 years in October and figuring out where we want to live has been probably the #1 or #2 source of conflict and stress during that period. As for gratitude... yeah, there's a lot of that. Believe me, I spend tons of time reminding myself how fortunate we are to have my parents and each other. We are very, very lucky. Please don't think I discount that or take it for granted. It's been a very tough year, that's all. I'm well aware of how much tougher it would be without my family.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Aug 16, 2016 12:28:51 GMT -5
I have a different question on the baby question. Why does the decision to have or not have another baby have to be made now Is there a medical problem like cancer that will require a full hysterectomy? Are you 45 and know this is the end of your childbearing years? Putting a deadline on a decision like this just adds to the pressure to make sure the decision is right. When in reality and my humble opinion it doesn't need to be made at all right now. Your OP posts read like someone struggling with life or death decisions. I'm getting stressed out just reading it. I can't imagine what it feels like to be living with it. My best advice is to actually make no big decisions like this for six months. You and your DH really seem to need to have some of this weight off your shoulders long enough to be able to calm down and step back. You need to be able to make decisions that are calmly made not like your back is to the wall and a masked man has a gun to your head.
|
|