Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 12:29:48 GMT -5
By the way, we do have about $15k in non-retirement savings. I'm trying not to touch that; it's meant to be our down payment money. But we're not living on credit cards or anything.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Aug 16, 2016 12:36:56 GMT -5
On DH unemployment: yes he will qualify! 6 hours is not a normal drive to work!
My wife qualified for unemployment when she followed me from NY to MA and that was only 2.5 hours and would have qualified for following me from MA to DC but her job offered her to telecommute instead of quitting.
So you can put that issue to rest! He will get unemployment!
Good luck with everything else!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 12:39:52 GMT -5
I hope so! The UE office said it was a good possibility, they just couldn't say for sure until he applied. It's a 3 hour drive each way, not 6, but I'm hoping that still counts as an unreasonable commute distance Who knows, maybe DH's evil boss will offer to let him telecommute. I doubt it. But we won't know until he is ready to give notice. His boss isn't a "talk it out in advance" kind of guy. If he knew DH was looking, he'd probably fire him. (Which would guarantee unemployment but probably kill his reference.)
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 16, 2016 12:48:05 GMT -5
On DH unemployment: yes he will qualify! 6 hours is not a normal drive to work! My wife qualified for unemployment when she followed me from NY to MA and that was only 2.5 hours and would have qualified for following me from MA to DC but her job offered her to telecommute instead of quitting. So you can put that issue to rest! He will get unemployment! Good luck with everything else! That isn't how it would work filing for Ui in NJ. NJ only allows it for military spouses. It isn't the only one either. I'm glad it worked out for you but it isn't something I would just blanketly say is a go. workforcesecurity.doleta.gov/unemploy/uilawcompar/2009/nonmonetary.pdf
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Aug 16, 2016 12:48:35 GMT -5
Seems like she is in search of perfection. The perfect place to live, the perfect family set-up, the perfect balance sheet, etc. Searching for perfection will drive you nuts. Sometimes ya gotta just embrace the good enough for now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 12:50:19 GMT -5
Buahaha, I've missed hearing that I'm doing life all wrong and must immediately cancel all my plans No one here has said that.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Aug 16, 2016 12:52:31 GMT -5
I hope so! The UE office said it was a good possibility, they just couldn't say for sure until he applied. It's a 3 hour drive each way, not 6, but I'm hoping that still counts as an unreasonable commute distance Who knows, maybe DH's evil boss will offer to let him telecommute. I doubt it. But we won't know until he is ready to give notice. His boss isn't a "talk it out in advance" kind of guy. If he knew DH was looking, he'd probably fire him. (Which would guarantee unemployment but probably kill his reference.) Yep definitely not a reasonable commute. So you can breathe in that regards and stop stressing! His boss sounds lovely (being sarcastic off course)
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 16, 2016 12:53:51 GMT -5
I hope so! The UE office said it was a good possibility, they just couldn't say for sure until he applied. It's a 3 hour drive each way, not 6, but I'm hoping that still counts as an unreasonable commute distance Who knows, maybe DH's evil boss will offer to let him telecommute. I doubt it. But we won't know until he is ready to give notice. His boss isn't a "talk it out in advance" kind of guy. If he knew DH was looking, he'd probably fire him. (Which would guarantee unemployment but probably kill his reference.) Yep definitely not a reasonable commute. So you can breathe in that regards and stop stressing! His boss sounds lovely (being sarcastic off course) [br Unemployment is state by state.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Aug 16, 2016 12:53:52 GMT -5
Bend has been taking off in popularity for the last 20+ years and it's a beautiful place. I have family who moved there in the 90's and since then the population has more than quadrupled. When the mortgage bubble popped Bend was one of the smaller areas that showed up on the hardest hit area lists because home prices rose real fast and fell real hard. I honestly haven't been there in years or talked to the family I have there but the irony is that in some small ways it turned into what they wanted to get out of by leaving CA as the real estate boom and population growth spread there was largely due to CA transplants.
Nothing else to really add just the mention of Bend caught my eye. Good luck!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 12:59:01 GMT -5
Buahaha, I've missed hearing that I'm doing life all wrong and must immediately cancel all my plans No one here has said that. I know. I was just kidding. Guess it didn't translate
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Aug 16, 2016 13:00:08 GMT -5
On DH unemployment: yes he will qualify! 6 hours is not a normal drive to work! My wife qualified for unemployment when she followed me from NY to MA and that was only 2.5 hours and would have qualified for following me from MA to DC but her job offered her to telecommute instead of quitting. So you can put that issue to rest! He will get unemployment! Good luck with everything else! That isn't how it would work filing for Ui in NJ. NJ only allows it for military spouses. It isn't the only one either. I'm glad it worked out for you but it isn't something I would just blanketly say is a go. workforcesecurity.doleta.gov/unemploy/uilawcompar/2009/nonmonetary.pdfIs she in NJ? No, he is in Portland Oregon: "According to the Oregon Administrative Rules that are currently in place, OAR 471-030-0038(1)(e) "compelling family reasons" means, the need to accompany the individual's spouse or domestic partner (i) to a place from which it is impractical for such an individual to commute and (ii) Due to a change in location of the spouse's or domestic partner's employment."
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Aug 16, 2016 13:00:54 GMT -5
Yep definitely not a reasonable commute. So you can breathe in that regards and stop stressing! His boss sounds lovely (being sarcastic off course) [br Unemployment is state by state. Thank you, good thing I looked it up on the Oregon unemployment website!
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 13:05:17 GMT -5
LMAO - get 'em, Carl!
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 16, 2016 13:28:34 GMT -5
[br Unemployment is state by state. Thank you, good thing I looked it up on the Oregon unemployment website! Good for you.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 13:39:22 GMT -5
Ahh, Firebird!! I've missed you here Heaven knows I am not the one to give financial advice, and my family planning advice seems to always be in favor of *all* the babies, LOL, so you probably don't want to listen to either from me. I am excited to see how this turns out for you all. I know its super stressful right now, so I don't want to downplay your anxiety at all. But I've always looked up to you & how you handle everything. I will hold out hope for you right now while you deal with the anxiety. Just know you have a lot of people rooting for you!!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 16, 2016 14:00:16 GMT -5
I was debating another kid and accidently got pregnant.
That solved that problem for me.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Aug 16, 2016 14:09:10 GMT -5
Hello from your old state...glad to see you back.
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Aug 16, 2016 14:20:29 GMT -5
I was debating another kid and accidently got pregnant.
That solved that problem for me. Same here. Once it was decided for me I was fine with it. I tend to analyze things to death so who knows how long I would have debated otherwise.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 14:34:28 GMT -5
Question for those of you with large (5+ years) gaps between your kids (or between you and your siblings) - how do they/you get along?
The 2017 deadline is mostly because I want to put this conflict to bed for good and move on with my life. I don't agree, Drama, that I'd find a "replacement anxiety" as it were. I'm actually not an anxious person in general (this rosy period of my life being an obvious exception). If I knew I were physically incapable of more kids (and I do plan to get my tubes tied once we know for sure we're done having kids) then it wouldn't be an issue for me anymore.
It's the indecision that is driving me crazy.
But a secondary concern for me is the age gap between Babybird and potential second kid. I know gaps have their advantages and disadvantages no matter what, but a really long gap is hard for me to accept because it seems like it's harder for kids to relate to each other when they're far apart.
We've had my 12 year old DN with us a good bit of the summer (and we may have her for good at some point, which is also coloring my thoughts on a second bio kid - but this is a whole different story). She and Babybird don't really get along. Of course, it's a much different situation and I don't presume that siblings of different ages CAN'T have close bonds. Certainly they can. But one of the hard parts from my observation is that there are really hardly any activities they can both enjoy. And even if they both enjoy something, they don't like the same things about it.
When we went camping with Formerly SK and her family, for instance, DN had a blast hanging out with her boys (who are relatively close to her age) and they were old enough to tramp around the woods and such on their own. Babybird wasn't all that interested in playing with them. She mostly hung out with the grownups.
So... that's in the back of my mind too, not wanting to wait so long that they can't ever enjoy playing together. There's already going to be at least a 5 year gap. That's quite a big difference in kid years.
But like I said, I'd love to hear other perspectives on this...
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 16, 2016 14:38:59 GMT -5
I see your points, but I just don't think there's a magic formula or answer for proper kid spacing. You have to do what's best for the whole family, not just what you think is best for the kid(s). And kids will either get along and play together or they won't. And if they get along and play together now, there is no guarantee that dynamic will continue into adulthood. And vice versa. But I'm a selfish and spoiled only child with only one child, so what do I know?
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Aug 16, 2016 14:40:54 GMT -5
My sister is 7 years older than me, my brother is 5.5 years older.
She wanted nothing to do with me growing up. I was an annoyance to her. My brother played with me all the time because I would do "boy" things she wouldn't do.
We all get along fine now.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 14:43:31 GMT -5
You guys have some excellent points, as usual. This is definitely helping me sort some things out.
I really can't just "table" the kid thing. Again. I've tried. It's not something that I can put on a shelf. I wish like hell I could, but the conflict just cuts straight to my heart. I feel it every single day, every hour. I feel it when I'm around Babybird and when I'm not. My feelings about motherhood in general are all tied up in this decision.
It can't be separated from me. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. But until I make a permanent decision, I have to keep living with this.
As for the cost of living stuff, yup, you guys are right on with the location/COL conflict. I think the price of the eventual house we buy will carry the day. And there are cheaper areas near Bend that we're considering. They'd be far enough away that it would be very tough to commute in bad weather, but they're definitely options and we're considering them. All else equal, I'd rather have a great house a little further out that we can afford than a great house in Bend that we can't afford.
To me, though, this is worth it. This is what we've been working toward all this time. We'll find a way.
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techguy
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Post by techguy on Aug 16, 2016 14:43:36 GMT -5
I see your points, but I just don't think there's a magic formula or answer for proper kid spacing. You have to do what's best for the whole family, not just what you think is best for the kid(s). And kids will either get along and play together or they won't. And if they get along and play together now, there is no guarantee that dynamic will continue into adulthood. And vice versa. But I'm a selfish and spoiled only child with only one child, so what do I know? Yup! There's no guarantee that siblings 2 years apart will get along and become best friends. I've seen twins (boy / girl) who don't really get along with each other too. So lots of variable come into play.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 16, 2016 14:45:13 GMT -5
Firebird- Consider that indecision is actually a decision in itself. If you stonewal your decision you have made a decision in a passive way. But you are still choosing a path either way.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 16, 2016 14:45:49 GMT -5
Why do they have to play together? I'm 6 years older than my closest sibling and 8 years older than the other. The youngest was the 6 o'clock news, don't tell her anything you don't want everyone to know. The middle one wasn't as bad with that. A LOT will depend on the personalities of the kids. Middle sis was a colicky baby, she stayed on my nerves from what I recall. Younger was not colicky and was more like a baby doll to me, lol. I entertained both when they were little and helped Mom with them a lot. Don't really resent it, get along with them just fine now. I have about 5 years between my two older ones. They played together some, ignored each other some and now irritate each other for amusement. (19 & 14) The youngest is ADHD and a non stop talker and is more annoying than fun because he took everything so freaking literally so they have a more distant relationship with him even though he's growing out of it some now. I'm betting they'll all settle down and get along to varying degrees as adults. You can't control everything.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 14:46:31 GMT -5
Oh, and I'll be 31 in February. So yes, biologically I have plenty of time. I do plan to get my tubes tied once we're totally, totally sure we're done (if I have another baby it'll be done during the C section I have to have anyway) but don't worry, I won't rush that decision. As much as I want this settled, I won't do anything permanent for probably at least another year (unless we do go for it in 2017, lol). Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just have an accident! But it's not likely to happen.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Aug 16, 2016 14:48:37 GMT -5
You can have identical twins but that doesn't mean they will have the same interests or even get along, so I don't think I'd let the future relationship of your children determine whether to have more. This will read harshly, and I sincerely don't mean it harshly, but if you genuinely think you could resent another child, then do the child a favor and don't have it. It wouldn't be fair to that child to grow up knowing that he/she was your bad decision. But, sincere kudos for having that self-awareness. Too many parents don't think through what it means to have a child: they don't stay cute little, manageable, babies, for long. JMHO. YMMV, as always.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2016 14:50:46 GMT -5
Siblings having a good relationship is a complete and total crap shoot. Don't stress over spacing. My boys are 14 and 6 and while the older one has obviously got his own things and retreats to his "young man cave" in the basement to get away from his brother at times. They really do get along very well and have common interests. They enjoy playing video games and building with Legos together. Younger idolizes his brother. Sometimes I wish they were closer together so they would be in the same activities at the same time, (and save me some running around), but in a lot of ways it's really nice.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 14:51:38 GMT -5
MJ, I actually didn't know you were an only child. How did you feel about it?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 16, 2016 14:55:20 GMT -5
GRG, my absolute commitment to not having a child I'll resent is driving a good portion of this. I'm not sure I'd be a good mother to two kids. There are plenty of days I'm not sure if I'm a good mother to the kid I have.
It's incredibly complicated but you hit on a huge part of the reason I am afraid to "just jump."
And good point that they don't have to play together/have a good relationship. I want them to have both, really really badly, but I do know I can't control that stuff. That's another part of what makes it scary for me. I really need to get to a point where my expectations are reasonable. I'm not there yet.
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