Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 26, 2016 11:15:42 GMT -5
One of the things I haven't written about was the experience of spending an evening with my brother about two weeks ago during my long trip to So. CA.
I've written about him before and what a financial trainwreck he is. My latest visit confirmed this. Remember he started his career as a stock broker/"financial planner". Now he is selling some kind of financial trust vehicle that defers capital gains and recapture taxes. He was all over me when he heard about selling our So. CA house. I deflected the sales attempt and saw how my dad got sucked in with their bad investment deal and why my father won't talk to him. But that's a separate story.
What really struck me about this visit was the absolute chaos my brother and his "new" wife live in. It was kind of horrifying. They knew I was coming but didn't bother to even clean their dining room table which was full of old food and dishes. They wouldn't let me use their downstairs half bath because it was too dirty. I had to use the upstairs master bath which wasn't filthy but wasn't clean. I had to walk through their master and no joke it didn't look like they had washed clothes for a month. Clothes were everywhere and it looked like instead of washing they just bought new clothes. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. I did a flash back to my brother complaining about what a poor housekeeper his (former) wife was. I don't think the wife was the problem.
My brother said they were leaving the rented townhouse the end of July because San Diego's airport wasn't as good as Orange County and that he can't get enough sophisticated clients that need his financial vehicle. I'm sure he's being evicted. He tried to manipulate me into staying the night so he could get a ride to the train station first thing in the morning because they don't have a car. I side stepped that one; no way in hell would I spend the night in that pit. Saying that it was a "horrifying" experience is probably overly dramatic but I don't know what else to say. We certainly weren't raised to live like that.
Share a jaw dropping moment from a family visit.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 26, 2016 12:00:42 GMT -5
None. Sorry, we're boring.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 26, 2016 12:16:28 GMT -5
I get really messy when I'm stressed out. Not to the point of unsanitary. But, to some, yes, our house could be considered trashed.
My desk at work depicts exactly how stressed out I am at any given time.
I wasn't necessarily raised like that. It's how I am.
I don't have many stories anymore of family trainwrecks.
I'm pretty cautious, though, now about what constitutes the "truth." A person's lens/personality can really distort the truth. That's been my experience with my parents, my kids, and DH's family.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 26, 2016 14:12:27 GMT -5
Sounds like your brother's mental illness, whatever it is, is getting worse. My guardians owned a property with three houses on it with two other couples who were my aunts and uncles. When one of my aunts died they sent her spouse an eviction letter. I told them that it was a bad idea, he owned 1/3 of the property through inheritance from his spouse and also because they had paid off their portion, there was no lease or rental agreement in place because my aunt and uncle were owners, there were multiple contracts and letters in place showing them as owners, etc. Of course he sued, the case went to arbitration, and one of my aunts physically assaulted the judge. I remember this story; that IS pretty crazy.
I'm not sure what else my brother has going on. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but I always remember his fabrications. One reason I've kept my distance from him is that he would make up all these stories where he was always the hero and they were simply not true. I asked him about whether he ever told his kids about some of the stuff he did and how he would get caught. He said no because he always wanted to be the hero to his kids. I warned him that they would find out someday and they would lose respect for him. That appears to have happened and probably a reason that his kids don't talk to him.
It would get really uncomfortable being around him as he would tell all these stories about pranks he would pull on me to get me into trouble. Things like setting cups up against the cabinet doors so that they would fall on the person who opened up the cabinet. He would do this because one of my jobs as a kid was to unload the dishwasher and therefore I would be blamed for not putting the dishes away properly. He's still proud of doing these things today. I think as a 53 year old adult that I would be ashamed. Again,
He is also extremely obese. He's a big guy at over 6' but he's well over 300lbs. And his wife has really blown up since I saw her a year or so ago. My brother used to be so lean that as a kid he couldn't do a backfloat; he'd just sink. The wife was a model as a young woman. I reminded him how he and his friend would make comments about how all fat people should die (I have always struggled with my weight). Starting in his 20s he started looking like the Michelin Man. I think he's put on another 50lbs since I saw him. I remarked that karma was a bear.
I don't know that there's anything to do. I'm just sad that he seems to be in such a bad situation and seems so deep in denial.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 26, 2016 14:30:05 GMT -5
The best I have is when I visited my Mom at least 13+ years ago. We were talking about various things and all of the sudden her BF, who lived there because he couldn't afford elsewhere, starts nattering on about life expectancy and inheritances. I was
He tried to accuse me of wanting my Mom's money and even then, in that moment, I realized the guy was trying to play me and dig for info. I told him the truth, I wasn't expecting any inheritance. I just hoped that Mom or my Dad wouldn't need $$ from me to get by, because I probably would not have it when they needed it. IMO, it was her money and whether she ran out of it before or after her passing was up to her.
Of course only a couple years later he tried to live off my Mom even more. She unfortunately was starting on the dementia trail so was suggestible to marrying him to make an honest woman of her. To which I told her on numerous occasions, WTE Mom you are past child-bearing age. If he wants to live off your money make sure you are OK with it, because I know both my sisters are not. And frankly, I will support their decision. If it comes to a choice of supporting you, or supporting both of you badly or not enough - he's off the train if I have anything to say about it.
Was that too harsh? My sibs did have to do some manuvers when they sold her condo to put her into assisted living. Thankfully they did not get married, but it was a near thing. And its been more than a decade she's had Alzheimers and no she did not die at the average age of 85. But I knew the latter was unlikely.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 26, 2016 16:31:26 GMT -5
Maybe your brother and the wife are just lazy?
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 26, 2016 16:48:42 GMT -5
Bonny, wouldn't it have been easier to suggest meeting for dinner in a restaurant? Given the history, I'm not sure I'd have offered to visit them at their home, although I do get wanting to see him and "try again".
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 26, 2016 16:53:22 GMT -5
No crazy family. But we met a family who was super cool. We hung out with them various times, at my house, and we did some activities in public places (like laser tag, etc.) We hosted many times because we have a pool, and started hanging out with them in the summer. They invited us to their house, and I was shocked at how dirty it was. Not like hording, just dirty and poorly maintained - dust, dog fur, dirty dishes, etc.. I don't necessarily mind a messy house, and this certainly stretched my boundaries. Luckily, they ordered pizza, as I am not sure how comfortable I would be with food coming out of the kitchen. I decided that it was 'okay' enough for my daughter to spend time there, and got used to it.
We hung out for a while, but the kids stopped going to school together, and everyone got busy (and I had my own problems) so we didn't see them much. A little while later she told me that her husband nearly died from cirrhosis, and had been in and out of rehab since we had last seen them. I was surprised, because he never drank that much around us - but apparently, he liked to drink large quantities while alone. I thought that explained a lot about their house. I think their collective energy was being used for things other than vacuuming and such.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 26, 2016 17:12:59 GMT -5
Bonny, wouldn't it have been easier to suggest meeting for dinner in a restaurant? Given the history, I'm not sure I'd have offered to visit them at their home, although I do get wanting to see him and "try again". It wasn't that bad the last time I saw him. A sink full of dishes (multiple meals) but otherwise the house looked clean enough given that two teenagers were living at home. A couple of months after that visit they got their walking papers. I wasn't surprised. I think the landlord got tired of them paying the rent late. I remember thinking how surreal the conversation we had was when my brother made the statement he didn't see what was the problem paying late since he always paid the late charges.
BTW this current place that they are being kicked out of is what they rented after I declined to agree to be listed as "nearest relative not living with you". I think the landlord is going to keep their whole deposit if they actually pay their last month's rent. I am SO GLAD I did not agree to that. I wouldn't be surprised if they do a "runner" and not leave the landlord a forwarding address.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 26, 2016 17:34:18 GMT -5
While I do REALLY hate the inspections we have, in the apts where I live, they keep people from letting their places get too bad. More than one person has told me they received a 3 day notice, from the mgr, because their place wasn't clean enough. I would think, if you knew the mgr was coming to do a cleanliness inspection, you'd clean things up. I guess not. I am far from perfect, that's for sure. But it's clutter, not filth. Maybe that's what their place looks like after they have cleaned? (scary thought!) I have a neighbor who says he likes to cook. He's not bad. But I can't make myself eat the things he brings over any more... I keep finding weird stuff mixed in. Weird non-food items. Once he brought me spaghetti & sauce. Tasted great! Then I found half of a bread bag in the sauce! Seriously. A plastic bag had been cooked right along with everything else, then dished up and given to me. -Not the only event. Dishes that aren't clean. Yuck. But a nice guy. I don't want to offend him. Now, if he brings me anything that isn't 'store bought' (wrapped), I thank him and set it aside for 'later'. Later I get rid of it.
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grits
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Post by grits on Jun 26, 2016 18:11:43 GMT -5
1. They didn't call me when mother died. 2. They didn't let me know dad was in the hospital until too late. 3. They told me they tried to get him to change his will, and disinherit me. Whatever, they stole it all, and I'd have to go to court. Not worth the hassle. 4. Brother got sister to give him the money in cash so he could hide it from me. Now, he won't give it back. 5. They can both starve before I give them another cent.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 26, 2016 18:53:35 GMT -5
When dgf's dementia had gotten unmanageable, but before getting him in an assisted living we had some really difficult weeks of him pacing, screaming, swearing, etc. I was over with my mom and dgm and having some random/seemingly normal conversation about family and dgm is listing off how many great grandkids they had, when my mom chimes in with, 'don't forget about G's daughter.' My cousin apparently had a daughter no one but my parents and grandparents knew about who was 15 at that time. We have since met up. I was pushing my mom for my grandparents wedding date to put in a photo album that I was making and thought it odd that she kept forgetting to send it to me. I sent her a text when the album was all but done except for that date and she called me. Apparently my grandparents weren't married before their first son was born--something they thought terribly funny at the time, but later they changed the narrative and my mom said dgm wouldn't want people to know. So I put in the album that they were happily married over 70 years.
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jun 26, 2016 18:55:18 GMT -5
My "Uncle Bob" married a woman no one liked, we'll call her "Aunt Sally." My "Aunt Susan", Bob's sister. was very mentally ill and her illness wasn't treated. She lived with her mother, my grandmother, until her late forties. When I was about 8, my Aunt Susan blew up some junker cars that Aunt Sally had left on my grandmother's property (yes, this property was a trailer court in a field with a bunch of junk).
My mom didn't know any of this had happened and took me to visit my grandmother and Aunt Susan. Aunt Susan pulls me aside, tells me she loves me, but that she might not see me again because there is a warrant out for her arrest and she doesn't plan on going to jail, so she plans on dying in a shoot out with the cops. She eventually turned herself in and got probation.
Do I win? If so, is there a cash prize, because as you can imagine, I have spent a fortune on therapy.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 26, 2016 19:07:04 GMT -5
My "Uncle Bob" married a woman no one liked, we'll call her "Aunt Sally." My "Aunt Susan", Bob's sister. was very mentally ill and her illness wasn't treated. She lived with her mother, my grandmother, until her late forties. When I was about 8, my Aunt Susan blew up some junker cars that Aunt Sally had left on my grandmother's property (yes, this property was a trailer court in a field with a bunch of junk). My mom didn't know any of this had happened and took me to visit my grandmother and Aunt Susan. Aunt Susan pulls me aside, tells me she loves me, but that she might not see me again because there is a warrant out for her arrest and she doesn't plan on going to jail, so she plans on dying in a shoot out with the cops. She eventually turned herself in and got probation. Do I win? If so, is there a cash prize, because as you can imagine, I have spent a fortune on therapy. I did not spend a fortune on therapy and sorry to hear your story, grits's, and the OP. My family has its issues, but for the most part they've made me stronger.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 26, 2016 19:07:57 GMT -5
1. They didn't call me when mother died. 2. They didn't let me know dad was in the hospital until too late. 3. They told me they tried to get him to change his will, and disinherit me. Whatever, they stole it all, and I'd have to go to court. Not worth the hassle. 4. Brother got sister to give him the money in cash so he could hide it from me. Now, he won't give it back. 5. They can both starve before I give them another cent. Sorry. Hopefully you built a good family around you of friends, etc.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 26, 2016 19:28:02 GMT -5
1. They didn't call me when mother died. 2. They didn't let me know dad was in the hospital until too late. 3. They told me they tried to get him to change his will, and disinherit me. Whatever, they stole it all, and I'd have to go to court. Not worth the hassle. 4. Brother got sister to give him the money in cash so he could hide it from me. Now, he won't give it back. 5. They can both starve before I give them another cent. Sorry you don't have a family. Death brings out the worst in people and breaks many families to never recover but is just showing who they always were. I am so lucky since our parents died my brothers and I have become much closer, before one brother was only put up with to make mom happy, now we like him. The brother who handled the estate is honest and the other used his inheritance to get his kids to come visit him and he visited them. His maybe all gone now but he is an equal brother now, not just mom's favorite and not treating her right, it helped that he got an awesome wife and spent mom's last month with our other brother and mom.
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jun 26, 2016 19:28:32 GMT -5
My "Uncle Bob" married a woman no one liked, we'll call her "Aunt Sally." My "Aunt Susan", Bob's sister. was very mentally ill and her illness wasn't treated. She lived with her mother, my grandmother, until her late forties. When I was about 8, my Aunt Susan blew up some junker cars that Aunt Sally had left on my grandmother's property (yes, this property was a trailer court in a field with a bunch of junk). My mom didn't know any of this had happened and took me to visit my grandmother and Aunt Susan. Aunt Susan pulls me aside, tells me she loves me, but that she might not see me again because there is a warrant out for her arrest and she doesn't plan on going to jail, so she plans on dying in a shoot out with the cops. She eventually turned herself in and got probation. Do I win? If so, is there a cash prize, because as you can imagine, I have spent a fortune on therapy. I did not spend a fortune on therapy and sorry to hear your story, grits's, and the OP. My family has its issues, but for the most part they've made me stronger. Thanks. Although, I really have spent a fortune on therapy, I was just trying to throw in a joke because I know this story was darker than the original tone of this thread. Honestly, I have had good luck rain down in my life in such a way that I can't complain. For example, being born with a good brain + luck allowed me to be able to afford therapy. Many people in my family were mentally ill, but they taught me a lot about the range of human behavior. Experience is very important to me, they gave me many experiences that I would never have now in my much more privileged adulthood, which, thankfully, rarely involves escalated emotions and behavior.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Jun 26, 2016 19:44:54 GMT -5
Most of my family is pretty functional. We get along OK, probably because we live far apart all around the country. However my bother who is coming to visit me for the 1st time did send this: "We would like to see Portland if possible as I have never been in that area or town and would love to see the space needle."
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jun 26, 2016 19:56:39 GMT -5
Too many to mention. The bright thing is my 91 year old cousin called me today. He is able to live alone, mow his own lawn, celebrated his birthday for over a week, sings in the choir. He laughed a lot while I was talking to him. Note to self. Laugh a lot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 20:21:36 GMT -5
No known living family on my side for which I am grateful at this point. DH's brother was the black sheep, major mooch, lots of pain for the parents. DH was smart and just said no, no, no......we never picked up the burden of brother's problems including substance abuse even though the parents wanted us to. Some things you just can't fix and shouldn't. I always envied my friends with the Hallmark-style family but ours just weren't that model. Cold? Maybe, but I don't think so.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 26, 2016 21:18:52 GMT -5
My DH and his sister totally do not get along. There were a lot of issues from their childhood (DH is 2 years older). They actually go along for a short period of time putting together their parents 50th anniversary party.
Things fell apart again 4 years ago. While we were visiting my family, DH father got sick and died. His sister was upset that we didn't immediately drop everything at the first sign of illness. Things turned bad quickly and he died and we were not there. SIL was pissed and convinced MIL to have a quick funeral. We had to drive all night to get home then another 4 hours to make the funeral.
There was no inheritance , but DH and his sister fought over a hunting rifle. Sister wanted to give it to a cousin ( who has plenty of hunting rifles according to his Facebook posts). DH wanted the rifle so that we could go hunting for food in case we got into a bad situation. DH has not been hunting in the 35 years I have known him, and he really doesn't like being outside in the elements. If we had to hunt for food we would starve. We ended up with the rifle.
The last few years, when we have been places where his sister is she won't acknowledge our presence.
So a couple months ago, for siblings day on Facebook - which is a totally fake holiday- his sister posts a picture of her with some of his cousins and says it is all about having people you can count on.
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grits
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Post by grits on Jun 26, 2016 21:59:28 GMT -5
My siblings didn't get bad after the death of our parents, they've always been this way. So, I sleep at night, and they don't. I have peace of mind, and they don't. I see the beauty of life. They see ugliness. My heart has a song. Their hearts have bitterness and complaint. I know I got the better end of it all.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Jun 26, 2016 22:45:39 GMT -5
I helped my aunt clean out my grandmother's room after she ran off to a nursing home. It was a strange/sad situation. My aunt and my grandmother had always had a difficult relationship, but after my grandfather had a stroke, my aunt moved in to help take care of him. A while later, my grandmother took a few of her things and left. My aunt eventually found out that she had checked herself into a nursing home. While we were cleaning out her room, my aunt kept asking how someone could live like that. I was a little surprised by her reaction based on the stories that I have heard about their childhood. According to my mom, her side of the family has cast iron stomachs, and from what I have seen, it's true. My grandmother was depressed for most of her life, and when my mom and aunt were children, she would spend most of the time in her room. Dinner would sit on the stove until it was gone, even if that meant it was lunch and dinner for the next day. Also, even though they had a fridge, the milk was usually just left on the counter. Some of the stories that I have heard about my grandparents' childhoods are even sadder. My cousins, my brother and I have all been treated for mental illnesses at various points in our lives, but we are all mostly happy, functioning adults now. Only one of us has decided to reproduce though.
Edit: I forgot to mention that my grandparents had separate rooms for as long as I can remember, and my grandma's room was always off limits.
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grits
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Post by grits on Jun 27, 2016 0:18:54 GMT -5
People hide things in public but you go behind closed doors or shake the family tree, and oh the stuff that falls out. My generation of my dad's family has a few of us that are survivors. We are dry witted and very sarcastic. I am the only one that can say things with a total stone face. The other two smile with their eyes when they're about to tell something. For example, I asked my cousin, "If I can find dad's teeth, would you want them?". She thought it was funny too.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 27, 2016 1:21:45 GMT -5
People hide things in public but you go behind closed doors or shake the family tree, and oh the stuff that falls out. My generation of my dad's family has a few of us that are survivors. We are dry witted and very sarcastic. I am the only one that can say things with a total stone face. The other two smile with their eyes when they're about to tell something. For example, I asked my cousin, "If I can find dad's teeth, would you want them?". She thought it was funny too. I would have burst out laughing! Sorry for all the other junk. Glad you are okay.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jun 27, 2016 7:08:53 GMT -5
Oh my, I need to write a book, not sure if I should call it How to Survive a Dysfunctional Family or The Reasons Why I Am. I’m not even sure what genre it would fall under: medical, comedy, horror or a mixture of all three.
Bonny, my DD says that her father’s house is the same way. Not just messy, but dirty and it’s just him, his wife….well they do have 3 very large stinky dogs and 5 cats all kept indoors in a tiny mobile home. There are dirty dishes in every room, litter boxes that need to be changed and cat and dog poop on the floors, top of cabinets, etc. You get the picture. I’m surprised that he lives like that because he never had before. While my house looks like a tornado hit sometimes, it’s not that dirty, just messy. His mother would roll over in her grave if she had not been cremated. The kids have chosen to only visit for an hour or so every couple of weeks so DD and DS both fight over the shower as soon as they walk into my home.
My family is/has been screwed up from the beginning of time. I’m not sure of my nationality from my father’s side and since both he and my mom were only children, I’ll never know for sure. But that’s just a very small ripple in the pond.
Now my XMIL, had quite a few skeletons in the closet. When she passed about 15 years ago, I found some papers, SS cards (3 in her name with different numbers), birth records, etc. that none of her 4 kids knew about. Other than the 4 siblings, she also gave birth to at least 2 others (have no clue as to what happened to them) and had been claiming them on her taxes and had received SS dependent benefits for all 6 until they aged out from her first husband, even though only one was the actual father. She was married to her first husband and to her second husband at the same time and was able to hide all of this, how I don’t know, but it was during the 1950s-1970s. She also claimed spousal benefits at the same time after the husbands died. Three separate bank accounts with different banks that the SS benefits were deposited. Three driver licenses. It was unreal, she never came across as someone who would be able to pull something like that off, but she did for almost 30 years until she passed away. Let’s just say that the ivory tower that her kids put her on came tumbling down in a hurry.
You know, it’s surprising at what comes out after someone dies. Sometimes it’s not just the physical crap that they leave behind, but the mental stuff that comes out with the lies they have told all their lives.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 27, 2016 7:52:58 GMT -5
Dad had a cousin who shacked up with a woman for many years. The children born to them didn't know she had other children before she met their dad. Some how the state took them and put them up for adoption, like it was an accident. Then she had the current 4 kids with dad's cousin but they never married. Her daughter didn't know the parents weren't married until she took mom to apply for SS. She had never worked or married so now over 85 with no SS, living with an old man in his house. The current kids met the prior kids and mom only knew half the story of why the state took the prior kids away. Current kids are all over 50 now and their mom pretend she is related to us maybe because she the mother of our cousins. I was contacted this last week by a man claiming to be my nephew. I found out who he is, my brother dated his mother when he was a toddler, I met him when he was 14 months old, we aren't related. I told him welcome to the family, he must need more family to search us out and claim my nieces are half sisters, don't know if he knows his mom and my brother have a son together so he has a half brother.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2016 8:16:23 GMT -5
I don't even come close to some of the stories on here but I do have one. Right after my grandfather died I was over at my parents' house at the same time as my grandmother. She was talking about having the funeral in Papillion.
It's quite a drive for those of us who live in Council Bluffs and it wasn't an easy to find funeral home.
So I asked why wasn't the funeral being held in CB? Everyone knows where the funeral homes are in CB and it's a central location that people from the three towns involved can easily drive to.
She told me "Because that's where the family is".
Wow. She said that with her son, grand daughter and new baby great grand daughter all sitting in the room with her.
DH asked me as we drove to the cemetery if I had figured out who the "family" was. Nope. If they were there nobody bothered to introduce me. Would have been nice to know who these people were since they were so important that I had to drive all over Omaha three days after giving birth to accomadate them.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 5:14:24 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 10:03:24 GMT -5
Not bad, but:
My sister bought my dad a fleece vest for Christmas. It was a size medium and Dad wears size extra large. He told her to return it. She was extremely upset that he did not want this vest and she is never going to buy him another gift (and she hasn't). All she talks about was how ungrateful he is.
Another time she bought him a jar of jelly. She said she was at a craft show and found this homemade jelly she thought he would like. We found a TJ Maxx price tag on it. The label said it was made in Alabama and we live in Wisconsin. Where exactly was this craft show?
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Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
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Post by Bonny on Jun 27, 2016 10:16:44 GMT -5
I don't even come close to some of the stories on here but I do have one. Right after my grandfather died I was over at my parents' house at the same time as my grandmother. She was talking about having the funeral in Papillion. It's quite a drive for those of us who live in Council Bluffs and it wasn't an easy to find funeral home. So I asked why wasn't the funeral being held in CB? Everyone knows where the funeral homes are in CB and it's a central location that people from the three towns involved can easily drive to. She told me "Because that's where the family is". Wow. She said that with her son, grand daughter and new baby great grand daughter all sitting in the room with her. DH asked me as we drove to the cemetery if I had figured out who the "family" was. Nope. If they were there nobody bothered to introduce me. Would have been nice to know who these people were since they were so important that I had to drive all over Omaha three days after giving birth to accomadate them. I think I remember this story.
All that I can say is people say and do strange things during grief or extremely stressful times in their lives and do not think through the effect of what they are doing and saying.
Case in point is when my mother traveled back to New York from California to attend her father's funeral. He died in an accident wherein the wheel fell off the car her brother was driving. She accused her brother of killing their father. He never spoke to her again and for years she never knew why. Apparently she had no memory of saying that.
Although I don't know this story to be true for a fact, I do know that my mother was capable of saying the most awful selfish things if she was stressed out. I was often the recipient of those outbursts. An example was when I was sexually molested at age 8 on a cable car a few feet away from the rest of the family. I knew something wasn't right but at that age I had no clue what was going on. When we got off the cable car I was crying and I told her what happened. She started screaming at me "Why didn't you say anything?!". I cried out "I thought you would notice!" My parents debated whether they would go to the police and decided that the guy would be long gone and they might as well finish their vacation. You never forget stuff like that even when you have the benefit of many years of experience and perspective. It's obvious that my parents were upset, even felt guilty they weren't paying attention and took it out on me (the victim) instead of the perpetrator. I can forgive them but I can't forget.
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