NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2016 10:20:26 GMT -5
All that I can say is people say and do strange things during grief or extremely stressful times in their lives and do not think through the effect of what they are doing and saying.
Yeah I tried to let it go. My brother didn't speak to her for awhile though. I was more angry about the fact she said that in front of my father. I got to thinking about it again on Memorial Day when we visited my grandfather's grave. Sure didn't see a lot of flowers from this "family" that was so much more important than us.
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janee
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Post by janee on Jun 27, 2016 12:23:45 GMT -5
All that I can say is people say and do strange things during grief or extremely stressful times in their lives and do not think through the effect of what they are doing and saying.
Yeah I tried to let it go. My brother didn't speak to her for awhile though. I was more angry about the fact she said that in front of my father. I got to thinking about it again on Memorial Day when we visited my grandfather's grave. Sure didn't see a lot of flowers from this "family" that was so much more important than us. Could she have meant that other family was buried there? So it's where family is buried? Otherwise, just chalk it up to grief. Sometimes we say the strangest things to the people we are closest to.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 27, 2016 12:43:25 GMT -5
All that I can say is people say and do strange things during grief or extremely stressful times in their lives and do not think through the effect of what they are doing and saying.
Yeah I tried to let it go. My brother didn't speak to her for awhile though. I was more angry about the fact she said that in front of my father. I got to thinking about it again on Memorial Day when we visited my grandfather's grave. Sure didn't see a lot of flowers from this "family" that was so much more important than us. Could she have meant that other family was buried there? So it's where family is buried? Otherwise, just chalk it up to grief. Sometimes we say the strangest things to the people we are closest to.
This was my thought too. All of my mom's family is buried in Peru, IN. But when she died in NY, we took her ashes to the 'family cemetery' there. Then when dad died, also in NY, his ashes went back to IN too (even though his family is in NY). It isn't the most convenient location for me and my sibs, but my folks are surrounded by my grandparents, several aunts and uncles, her brother, nephews and cousins, who have died over the last 60 years. It is nice to have them all in one location.......
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2016 12:50:42 GMT -5
Nope, everyone is buried in North O. My great grandparents are only a few feet away from his tombstone which makes it easy to find.
His family is all buried in North Carolina.
No it was important to have the funeral in Papillion because that's where "teh family" is. As far as my dad can recall any relatives who meant anything that lived in that area died before I was born. Everyone I knew at the funeral did not live there and I wasn't introduced to this "family" that was so important none of us were a consideration.
Certainly did not endear my grandmother to me at the time though.
Plus if we had to go to all this trouble to have a funeral for this "family's" convienience it sure would be nice to see more flowers than just mine and my parents on my grandfather's tombstone.
It's not something I obsess about every day, it's just popping up right now as we get closer to Gwen's birthday. It's only been a couple of years since he died and I am still getting used to him not being around for holidays and birthdays.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 27, 2016 12:56:27 GMT -5
Oh my, I need to write a book, not sure if I should call it How to Survive a Dysfunctional Family or The Reasons Why I Am. I’m not even sure what genre it would fall under: medical, comedy, horror or a mixture of all three. Bonny, my DD says that her father’s house is the same way. Not just messy, but dirty and it’s just him, his wife….well they do have 3 very large stinky dogs and 5 cats all kept indoors in a tiny mobile home. There are dirty dishes in every room, litter boxes that need to be changed and cat and dog poop on the floors, top of cabinets, etc. You get the picture. I’m surprised that he lives like that because he never had before. While my house looks like a tornado hit sometimes, it’s not that dirty, just messy. His mother would roll over in her grave if she had not been cremated. The kids have chosen to only visit for an hour or so every couple of weeks so DD and DS both fight over the shower as soon as they walk into my home. My family is/has been screwed up from the beginning of time. I’m not sure of my nationality from my father’s side and since both he and my mom were only children, I’ll never know for sure. But that’s just a very small ripple in the pond. Now my XMIL, had quite a few skeletons in the closet. When she passed about 15 years ago, I found some papers, SS cards (3 in her name with different numbers), birth records, etc. that none of her 4 kids knew about. Other than the 4 siblings, she also gave birth to at least 2 others (have no clue as to what happened to them) and had been claiming them on her taxes and had received SS dependent benefits for all 6 until they aged out from her first husband, even though only one was the actual father. She was married to her first husband and to her second husband at the same time and was able to hide all of this, how I don’t know, but it was during the 1950s-1970s. She also claimed spousal benefits at the same time after the husbands died. Three separate bank accounts with different banks that the SS benefits were deposited. Three driver licenses. It was unreal, she never came across as someone who would be able to pull something like that off, but she did for almost 30 years until she passed away. Let’s just say that the ivory tower that her kids put her on came tumbling down in a hurry. You know, it’s surprising at what comes out after someone dies. Sometimes it’s not just the physical crap that they leave behind, but the mental stuff that comes out with the lies they have told all their lives. Why not write several books? It could be good for you and help people understand others, etc.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jun 27, 2016 16:29:47 GMT -5
My family is so boring. I don't have any siblings, just a few close cousins, and rather more not-so-close cousins. There aren't any really batty ones, just the odd entry-level doofus, a few amateur mooches, and one has-been pop star. Everyone else is basically normal and nice. I expect I am probably the family weirdo.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 27, 2016 16:59:23 GMT -5
My family is so boring. I don't have any siblings, just a few close cousins, and rather more not-so-close cousins. There aren't any really batty ones, just the odd entry-level doofus, a few amateur mooches, and one has-been pop star. Everyone else is basically normal and nice. I expect I am probably the family weirdo. Well everybody has his/her place in the world.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Jun 27, 2016 18:42:38 GMT -5
I adored my teetotaller grandmother. So, I am sure my jaw dropped the first time I heard my mother and her older brother talk about the times they were left with their little sister in a car outside a bar for hours, while there parents were inside. The younger sister doesn't remember it - and I didn't hear about it until after my grandmother passed. (My grandfather died when I was a toddler - so I have no recollection of him at all.)
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 27, 2016 19:46:37 GMT -5
I found out recently that my dad was put into an orphanage when was a baby and he lived there for a year. It shouldn't shock me, my grandmother got knocked up at 18 and didn't tell my dad anything about his biological father until my dad was in his 50s (and even then she doesn't remember the guys full name).
My mother tells lies all the time, but she has convinced herself that her lies are the truth. For example, she accused my dad of being physically abusive when I was a kid to her and to me. She really believes that is the truth. Forgetting that I was there and I know he wasn't. I think some people convince themselves that their lies are the truth.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 27, 2016 20:19:00 GMT -5
I found out recently that my dad was put into an orphanage when was a baby and he lived there for a year. It shouldn't shock me, my grandmother got knocked up at 18 and didn't tell my dad anything about his biological father until my dad was in his 50s (and even then she doesn't remember the guys full name). My mother tells lies all the time, but she has convinced herself that her lies are the truth. For example, she accused my dad of being physically abusive when I was a kid to her and to me. She really believes that is the truth. Forgetting that I was there and I know he wasn't. I think some people convince themselves that their lies are the truth. I don't know how old your dad is, or what year he was in an orphanage, but my Grandfather spent time in an orphanage and I had a hard time figuring that out, because I knew all his brothers and cousins, and my great grandmother lived with my father's parents for years. I guess early in the 20th century, women didn't have many choices and when her husband died leaving her a pauper options were limited. She was able to use the orphanage for a temporary solution until she could figure something out. I know we all whine about sexism, but shit, we have come a long, long way.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 27, 2016 20:59:09 GMT -5
Both of my grandmothers were pregnant when they married. Maternal grandmother already had a child, but no husband.
Have had several aunts who were pregnant when they got married. The kicker was the couple that lied about their wedding date until it was time to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. They wanted it on the correct date. Mom had stood up with them so she knew the real date of the wedding.
My dad had a brief marriage before he married my mom. Very brief, but there was a child. Mom and dad went to pick up his daughter one day as per the divorce decree and they had left town. Didn't hear from his daughter until she was in high school. She came to live with us two different times, but it didn't work. It couldn't work. Her mother had never told her who her dad was until they got in to an argument when she was in high school. Her mother ended up having 9 children by 9 different fathers. Only married my dad. Her mother told her dad didn't pay child support. He paid it to the court as required until his attorney suggested he go back to court and get it stopped since he didn't no where is daughter was. The request was granted. This was back in the late 40's, early 50's. Dad had to take his daughter to the courthouse to see the documents.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 27, 2016 20:59:46 GMT -5
I found out recently that my dad was put into an orphanage when was a baby and he lived there for a year. It shouldn't shock me, my grandmother got knocked up at 18 and didn't tell my dad anything about his biological father until my dad was in his 50s (and even then she doesn't remember the guys full name). My mother tells lies all the time, but she has convinced herself that her lies are the truth. For example, she accused my dad of being physically abusive when I was a kid to her and to me. She really believes that is the truth. Forgetting that I was there and I know he wasn't. I think some people convince themselves that their lies are the truth. I don't know how old your dad is, or what year he was in an orphanage, but my Grandfather spent time in an orphanage and I had a hard time figuring that out, because I knew all his brothers and cousins, and my great grandmother lived with my father's parents for years. I guess early in the 20th century, women didn't have many choices and when her husband died leaving her a pauper options were limited. She was able to use the orphanage for a temporary solution until she could figure something out. I know we all whine about sexism, but shit, we have come a long, long way. My dad ended up in an orphanage because my grandmother didn't want to parent him, she only got him back when her mother told her wasn't welcome to continue living at home if she left her kid there. My dad was in the orphanage in around 1950. My grandmother hated my dad, heck I think she still does on some level, but he ended up being her only child and she got two grandkids out of the deal (and as crap as a mother she was, she was a fantastic grandmother) so she's not as overt these days.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 28, 2016 8:57:08 GMT -5
I found out recently that my dad was put into an orphanage when was a baby and he lived there for a year. It shouldn't shock me, my grandmother got knocked up at 18 and didn't tell my dad anything about his biological father until my dad was in his 50s (and even then she doesn't remember the guys full name). My mother tells lies all the time, but she has convinced herself that her lies are the truth. For example, she accused my dad of being physically abusive when I was a kid to her and to me. She really believes that is the truth. Forgetting that I was there and I know he wasn't. I think some people convince themselves that their lies are the truth. I don't know how old your dad is, or what year he was in an orphanage, but my Grandfather spent time in an orphanage and I had a hard time figuring that out, because I knew all his brothers and cousins, and my great grandmother lived with my father's parents for years. I guess early in the 20th century, women didn't have many choices and when her husband died leaving her a pauper options were limited. She was able to use the orphanage for a temporary solution until she could figure something out. I know we all whine about sexism, but shit, we have come a long, long way. It continued later than that. One of my girlfriends, who is about 12 years older than I am, and her three siblings were in an orphanage in the late 50s. Their mother was nearly choked to death by their father and she left and took the kids with her. But she had no one to watch them while she was getting her nursing degree and therefore put them in the catholic orphanage for a period of time. She would visit them every week. My friend said she knew it was really hard on her mom. At least the kids could be together a lot of the time. Although her mom has since passed, to this day the siblings are still close.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 28, 2016 9:05:22 GMT -5
A story like that makes me more supportive of welfare programs. We like to think that before we had social programs families bonded together to take care of each other, and many families did - but not all of them. If you weren't lucky enough to have that support, the situation was grimm.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jun 28, 2016 9:37:40 GMT -5
I can forgive them but I can't forget.
The forgiveness has been very hard and it has taken me many years to get to that point, although I still have my moments. My parents have passed, so it is easier for me now, but the questions still remain. If I dwell on the questions too much I will make myself even crazier than I am.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 28, 2016 13:25:13 GMT -5
A story like that makes me more supportive of welfare programs. We like to think that before we had social programs families bonded together to take care of each other, and many families did - but not all of them. If you weren't lucky enough to have that support, the situation was grimm. Our family like many others sent way problems. My dad had a brother Lee who was special who was sent way about 7 years old. I didn't know about him until I was a teen and told your Uncle Lee died. His mother was a widow with 5 other kids so never contacted Lee again and dad wouldn't go see him because the state might make him support his brother. Their sister had a special son who was sent away. Mom went to visit him once and took him to eat at the cafeteria when asked what he wanted for breakfast he said mush, he was used to having mush for breakfast and didn't know about the other choices. I worked at a psychiatric hospital once and they had a lot of abandoned special children and adults warehoused for life even in the 70s. One little boy was non verbal and in a wheelchair, both parents were doctors they dropped him off and never came back. A cleaning lady would always say "There's my boy" when she saw him and he would grin ear to ear and get a wash cloth, get it wet and wash windows with her making a mess. His parents missed out on a lot of love dumping him. My ISO was put in a children's home in the 50s for a year when neither parent wanted him in the divorce. His dad took him out after a year and gave him to his brother and SIL for a few years paying them some money to keep him then let him couch surf with him until he was 16 when he said he was tired of him so he joined the Navy and went to Vietnam for two tours.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 28, 2016 13:48:21 GMT -5
A story like that makes me more supportive of welfare programs. We like to think that before we had social programs families bonded together to take care of each other, and many families did - but not all of them. If you weren't lucky enough to have that support, the situation was grimm. I agree. And you could be a social outcast too.
Does anybody else remember their parents saying that women who worked outside of the house didn't love their children?
Image how I felt when my mother went to work. And my dad having us phone her to let her know we really needed her. WTF
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 28, 2016 14:05:44 GMT -5
Bonny, as you already know we have the same brother except mine is half blood. Too bad he got the really bad half. Full blood brother and I are neat/clean freaks and financially stable and he's neither of those things. My life has been incredibly boring and stable since getting those people away from me so I can now honestly say Nope! no stories.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jun 28, 2016 14:29:13 GMT -5
No real story but a funny memory: my maternal DGM (born in the 1890s) was a rather prim and proper lady. Andshe was less than pleased that my mom was pregnant when she got married. GM swore something like that would not happen to anyof her other children. You can say about her what you want but when her son's wife gave birth the child was as DGM claimed a preemie. Yes DGM we all know that there are a whole lot of preemies around that are born after 5 month gestation and weigh in at 8lbs. Yet, she never waivered...dear cousin was a preemie because DGM said so
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Jun 28, 2016 14:39:20 GMT -5
This was before my time but apparently in the late 40's early 50's my Dad's uncle had a live in "cook". They lived in a trailer on uncle's parents farm. That would be my great grand parents farm. My Dad was laughing when he was telling the story and apparently his parents weren't too pleased when he and his brother thought it was neat and they would like to have a cook when they grew up.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 28, 2016 14:50:05 GMT -5
A story like that makes me more supportive of welfare programs. We like to think that before we had social programs families bonded together to take care of each other, and many families did - but not all of them. If you weren't lucky enough to have that support, the situation was grimm.
There was a huge orphanage run by the nuns in my city. My best friend's mother was placed there because her family couldn't afford her. She was adopted out by a nice family. She was one of the lucky ones.
Several of my older clients were raised by the nuns. I am told they were treated well, and had all their needs met, but it wasn't exactly a loving home. When the girls were teens, they were hired out to local families as nannies, cooks, maids, etc. The boys were hired out for physical labor.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 28, 2016 14:52:59 GMT -5
One of the things I haven't written about was the experience of spending an evening with my brother about two weeks ago during my long trip to So. CA.
I've written about him before and what a financial trainwreck he is. My latest visit confirmed this. Remember he started his career as a stock broker/"financial planner". Now he is selling some kind of financial trust vehicle that defers capital gains and recapture taxes. He was all over me when he heard about selling our So. CA house. I deflected the sales attempt and saw how my dad got sucked in with their bad investment deal and why my father won't talk to him. But that's a separate story.
What really struck me about this visit was the absolute chaos my brother and his "new" wife live in. It was kind of horrifying. They knew I was coming but didn't bother to even clean their dining room table which was full of old food and dishes. They wouldn't let me use their downstairs half bath because it was too dirty. I had to use the upstairs master bath which wasn't filthy but wasn't clean. I had to walk through their master and no joke it didn't look like they had washed clothes for a month. Clothes were everywhere and it looked like instead of washing they just bought new clothes. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. I did a flash back to my brother complaining about what a poor housekeeper his (former) wife was. I don't think the wife was the problem.
My brother said they were leaving the rented townhouse the end of July because San Diego's airport wasn't as good as Orange County and that he can't get enough sophisticated clients that need his financial vehicle. I'm sure he's being evicted. He tried to manipulate me into staying the night so he could get a ride to the train station first thing in the morning because they don't have a car. I side stepped that one; no way in hell would I spend the night in that pit. Saying that it was a "horrifying" experience is probably overly dramatic but I don't know what else to say. We certainly weren't raised to live like that.
Share a jaw dropping moment from a family visit.
Where is the lie?
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 28, 2016 14:57:31 GMT -5
Bonny, as you already know we have the same brother except mine is half blood. Too bad he got the really bad half. Full blood brother and I are neat/clean freaks and financially stable and he's neither of those things. My life has been incredibly boring and stable since getting those people away from me so I can now honestly say Nope! no stories. I may have mentioned it elsewhere in the thread but I know that one thing that made it easier for me to leave the San Diego County house was that I wouldn't get sucked back into all that family drama. I know that I'm wired to help but oh geez, these people don't really want my help!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 28, 2016 15:36:53 GMT -5
A story like that makes me more supportive of welfare programs. We like to think that before we had social programs families bonded together to take care of each other, and many families did - but not all of them. If you weren't lucky enough to have that support, the situation was grimm. I agree. And you could be a social outcast too.
Does anybody else remember their parents saying that women who worked outside of the house didn't love their children?
Image how I felt when my mother went to work. And my dad having us phone her to let her know we really needed her. WTF
I remember it like it was 13.5 years ago. On a related note, my daughter will be 14 in just a couple of months.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Jun 28, 2016 15:56:08 GMT -5
My uncle D murdered his wife in the 90's. He was convicted of manslaughter because it was a crime of passion or something, and was out of prison in 8 years I think?
Uncle D hates his brother, uncle G. Uncle G isn't the greatest now, and they had a lot of issues when they were kids (not sure of the details). There are some undiagnosed mental illness issues there, I think. Uncle D has told family that when their mother passes away, he is going to confront Uncle G at the funeral, in front of as many people as possible. Based on the tempers of the two involved, the prior history of you know, killing someone, it's going to get messy.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Jun 28, 2016 16:02:13 GMT -5
This thread is reminding me of more family secrets and lies. When I was cleaning out my grandpa's desk, I found his father's death certificate. It listed the cause of death as strangulation. I asked my aunt about it, and all she knew of him was that he took off to Minneapolis when my grandpa was a kid. She looked into it, and it turns out that he was found hanging from a bridge. They weren't sure if it was a murder or a suicide.
Also, my brother was born before my parents were married. My mom tried to keep that a secret, but she didn't do a very good job. He was in their wedding pictures, which were hanging on the wall until I was around 6 years old. Then they disappeared. I think she planned to take them down before my brother and I started getting curious, but she misjudged how perceptive we were. She still feels a lot of shame about being an unwed mother. My brother was born in the late 70s, but it might as well have been the 50s based on the way my dad's family reacted. I also think there might be a bit more to the story. I know she has had a conversation with my brother about it, and she offered to fill me in on "the circumstances of his birth". It's clearly an upsetting topic for her though, so I didn't ask any questions. I may ask my brother someday though. I also found the paperwork from my parent's divorce when I was cleaning out his house. According to the questionnaire my dad filled out, my mom had been married previously, but it was annulled. My mom has mentioned a former boyfriend a few times who sounded pretty awful, so I am guessing that is another sore spot for her.
Compared to my previous generations, mine has been pretty boring so far, and I am thankful for that.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 28, 2016 18:12:23 GMT -5
A story like that makes me more supportive of welfare programs. We like to think that before we had social programs families bonded together to take care of each other, and many families did - but not all of them. If you weren't lucky enough to have that support, the situation was grimm.
There was a huge orphanage run by the nuns in my city. My best friend's mother was placed there because her family couldn't afford her. She was adopted out by a nice family. She was one of the lucky ones.
Several of my older clients were raised by the nuns. I am told they were treated well, and had all their needs met, but it wasn't exactly a loving home. When the girls were teens, they were hired out to local families as nannies, cooks, maids, etc. The boys were hired out for physical labor.
How old were they when they were hired out? Did they go and graduate from high school?
I'm assuming this was done as a way to earn for their room and board. I think that kind of situation was pretty common in a lot of lower middle-class families. I'm pretty sure my dad had to hand over any money he made to his mom during his middle and high school years. He turned 80 this year.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 28, 2016 18:23:07 GMT -5
No real story but a funny memory: my maternal DGM (born in the 1890s) was a rather prim and proper lady. Andshe was less than pleased that my mom was pregnant when she got married. GM swore something like that would not happen to anyof her other children. You can say about her what you want but when her son's wife gave birth the child was as DGM claimed a preemie. Yes DGM we all know that there are a whole lot of preemies around that are born after 5 month gestation and weigh in at 8lbs. Yet, she never waivered...dear cousin was a preemie because DGM said so This is my grandma too! She is still claiming preemie about my mom. I never said anything to her, but I know better.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 18:31:20 GMT -5
helo
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jun 28, 2016 18:40:36 GMT -5
I found out recently that my dad was put into an orphanage when was a baby and he lived there for a year. It shouldn't shock me, my grandmother got knocked up at 18 and didn't tell my dad anything about his biological father until my dad was in his 50s (and even then she doesn't remember the guys full name). My mother tells lies all the time, but she has convinced herself that her lies are the truth. For example, she accused my dad of being physically abusive when I was a kid to her and to me. She really believes that is the truth. Forgetting that I was there and I know he wasn't. I think some people convince themselves that their lies are the truth. I don't know how old your dad is, or what year he was in an orphanage, but my Grandfather spent time in an orphanage and I had a hard time figuring that out, because I knew all his brothers and cousins, and my great grandmother lived with my father's parents for years. I guess early in the 20th century, women didn't have many choices and when her husband died leaving her a pauper options were limited. She was able to use the orphanage for a temporary solution until she could figure something out. I know we all whine about sexism, but shit, we have come a long, long way. Not particularly related.. but I just watched It the silent movie from 1927 (Clara Bow!) and part of the plot involves a Clara's roommate who has a baby, and no job (well, the Doctor's told her to rest for a month before returning to work). Clara who has a job (counter girl at a department store) has graciously offered her friend and baby shelter in her 3rd story walk up "single girl" apartment. Apparently some of the neighbors have complained about the crying baby (and perhaps the unwed mother!) and the equivelant of "social services" show up (two frumpy bitter old women) to remove the baby to the orphanage since it's mother cannot provide for it. Clara is appalled at this and claims the baby is HERS and she has a job so there's no problem with keeping the little one. The Old Women leave and the baby stays.
There's a lot of 'old time' social stuff in this movie - but that scene was a bit of a head scratcher for me - the fact that even though the mom had shelter (and food) since SHE wasn't specifically providing for the baby and she didn't have a man around to do it - the baby would be taken away. Of course, confusion ensues since it seems Clara is the 'fallen' woman who's looking for a sugar daddy - and not a 'respectable' woman. When of course, she is respectable with her own strong moral code and sense of worth looking for happiness, love, and marriage.
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