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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 11:14:22 GMT -5
Do you feel you have a strong support system through your family and friends? If you needed anything or if something terrible happened, do you have anyone you could turn to for help?
I guess this could be emotionally or financially.
I don't think I have anyone to "lean" on. My family is just plain old cold and uncaring. Heck, my sister yelled at me when I had my gallbladder removed because I was not able to help with my mother for a couple of weeks. No one ever congratulated me when I graduated from college (in my 30s while working full-time). There are plenty of other instances too.
If I was ever diagnosed with cancer, I don't think I would tell one single person.
Are there other people like this? Am I just feeling sorry for myself today?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 23, 2016 11:23:46 GMT -5
Family, yes, they are and have been supportive when I needed them. I don't have many friends locally that I think would do major favors for me. Most of my old friends are many states away or across an ocean. Or long since faded out.....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 23, 2016 11:27:03 GMT -5
I'm sorry. I don't have much of one. My family pretty much stands on their own.
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Jun 23, 2016 11:32:14 GMT -5
I am an only child my only support system I have is my husband. I have some close friends and they talk a good talk but when my dad was dying of cancer I realized I could only count on my husband.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 23, 2016 11:33:03 GMT -5
In my experience, there aren't many families like the Waltons or the Brady bunch.
My DH's family is warmer and closer and more supportive of each other, but my family is dysfunctional. I don't think that's all that unusual though.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 11:36:58 GMT -5
In my experience, there aren't many families like the Waltons or the Brady bunch.
My DH's family is warmer and closer and more supportive of each other, but my family is dysfunctional. I don't think that's all that unusual though. I agree. I accepted the fact that's just the way my family is - not supportive or caring.
That's just the way my life is. I don't feel sorry for myself or anything. It's just a fact of (my) life.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 23, 2016 11:48:56 GMT -5
My mom and one of her sisters have been there for me in hard times. They don't have much but they find some way to help me out if needed. My BFF is always there being emotionally supportive, even though she's a state away. I'm slowly making new friends and connections here. I also think X is someone who I could rely on in a pinch (and I'd do the same for him if needed, but he has a much more extensive support network than I do).
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 23, 2016 11:49:04 GMT -5
I am blessed.
My own family is not supportive. But, I married into a family that is.
My husband is my rock.
Through work (both jobs), I have developed friends that I know love and support my family.
And here. Huge wealth of support.
It wasn't always the case, though. I had to learn to let people in. I was raised that asking for help/support is bad. Being vulnerable wasn't safe for me.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 23, 2016 11:50:09 GMT -5
I'm pretty lucky. I'm sure that my parents, brother, in-laws, and spouse would all pretty much do anything they could for me in any way that I needed it. I'm not sure if it's ironic or actually the driver of this system that basically all of us stand on our own and rarely ask for any kind of significant help (plenty of little stuff, help me move something heavy, babysit the kids, etc). I think the system works well because we all have a sufficient level of guilt in asking for things that there's never really a lot that gets asked for (I think a lot of us wish we were better at asking for help, but that's probably why everyone will help when you ask...we all know if someone is asking, they've exhausted their means of handling it themselves).
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:00:51 GMT -5
This morning I told my fiancé I would not tell anyone if there was something bad wrong with me.
If I got cancer, I would need treatment. I have no one to drive me and help take care of me.
If I got cancer, I would not be able to work. I would have no income. I would not be able to pay for my food, insurance, utilities, taxes etc.
I have a savings, but my health insurance deductible would exhaust that. (Not my retirement savings.)
My fiancé is not the "supportive" type either. At least, he has never shown that is the past seven years.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Jun 23, 2016 12:01:31 GMT -5
My family (parents) would be there for me in any circumstance. Financial, emotional, whatever I needed. My extended family means well, but I'm not sure how much I could count on them. They talk a good game, anyway. Luckily, I've not yet needed to rely on them for anything substantial.
My DH's family, not so much. He only has one brother, and they rarely talk. His extended family is scattered about the country; at least one of his cousins would help us if we ever needed.
We do, however, have a lot of friends who we count as a support system. We are lucky in that way. I often feel like it's me and DH only, but as I stop and think about it, we do have some good friends who would help us if we needed it. Some financially, some emotionally, some with "things" (a couch to sleep on, a ride to the airport, dinner when recovering from surgery, etc).
We aren't so good at asking for help, but I know we have people who would help if we ever did ask.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jun 23, 2016 12:03:03 GMT -5
Sorry you are feeling badly about yourself today. I have plenty of times I feel the same. I think it is normal (at least I hope it is normal). Acknowledge the way you feel but try not to dwell on it.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Jun 23, 2016 12:12:15 GMT -5
It seems to be the price we pay of a mobile society. We have no close friends and both of our families live several hours (or states) apart and there is no way to depend on family like you could when they lived next door. Since we both work and often struggle to just stay home on weekends to get everything done that we couldn't do during the week, our social circle is quite small. I would like to think someone would be there for me if needed, but sometimes independence isn't such a bad thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:14:54 GMT -5
Are you sure about this fiancé?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:16:43 GMT -5
Sorry you are feeling badly about yourself today. I have plenty of times I feel the same. I think it is normal (at least I hope it is normal). Acknowledge the way you feel but try not to dwell on it. I try to live for the day.
Luckily, nothing bad has ever happened where I needed anything.
Sometimes I just with I had someone to lean on.
All is good.
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Kolt!
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Post by Kolt! on Jun 23, 2016 12:17:24 GMT -5
Do you feel you have a strong support system through your family and friends? If you needed anything or if something terrible happened, do you have anyone you could turn to for help?
I guess this could be emotionally or financially.
I don't think I have anyone to "lean" on. My family is just plain old cold and uncaring. Heck, my sister yelled at me when I had my gallbladder removed because I was not able to help with my mother for a couple of weeks. No one ever congratulated me when I graduated from college (in my 30s while working full-time). There are plenty of other instances too.
If I was ever diagnosed with cancer, I don't think I would tell one single person.
Are there other people like this? Am I just feeling sorry for myself today?
I'm sorry you don't feel like you have a support system. Congratulations on graduating college! I have a year left and I don't know how you worked full-time. I work part time and go to school full-time and I'm about dying. Although I'm on summer vacation right now so just working. It's not exactly the same as in person but I'm sure there are people here that you could talk to about things going wrong in your life, emotionally and such and there'd be listening ears. My PM is always open to anyone including you if you ever need to rant or just need someone to talk to. I certainly don't promise saying the right things. I know throughout my life one of my biggest support systems were some of my online friends. I often felt like nobody in my real world I could talk to but I found comfort in online buddies that I still have in my life today some going on ten years! I guess to answer the question for myself as I've gotten older and I've been able to get comfortable with who I am it's been easier for me to seek better friends and get close with my family now. My parents are now a support system for me yet for most of my life it hadn't felt that way. My parents don't have much but they help when they can and listen when they can but it's not always easy to talk to them. I'd say my biggest support system emotionally right now is my girlfriend. I can talk to her without any judgement. She supports me through all of my choices and I support her. Were a really great team in that kind of way. When it comes to money I tend to have to support myself and I often help support others. But I'm fortunate to have a good amount of emotional support.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:17:51 GMT -5
Are you sure about this fiancé? No - But I don't want this post to be about that.
I don't plan on getting married in the near future.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 23, 2016 12:19:04 GMT -5
My fiancé is not the "supportive" type either. At least, he has never shown that is the past seven years.
Can I ask then what attributes make him worth investing seven years of your life in and moving up to fiance status?
For all of DH's faults the one thing I've never doubted is that he will be by my side till the end. That attitude now extends to our children.
Despite our squabbles with each other at times I also know that no matter what my parents and brother will always be there. We may fight like cats/dogs but my brother would be first in line to offer me a kidney and I would do the same for him.
I feel like with DH's family that support is always conditional. Since DH screwed up in the past it feels like they aren't very supportive of him now. While yes I understand he screwed up but that was over 10 years ago now, I think he's paid his dues. It drives me batty to watch how they treat him sometimes.
I don't know if they would be there in the event DH got cancer. I'd certainly like to think they would rally around him/us.
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Kolt!
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Post by Kolt! on Jun 23, 2016 12:20:18 GMT -5
Are you sure about this fiancé? I almost have to say that too. It's not good that the fiancee isn't very supportive. :/ But you may see something in them that we do not. But when I hear unsupportive I just know when looking for a partner that was always something important to me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:26:09 GMT -5
Are you sure about this fiancé? I almost have to say that too. It's not good that the fiancee isn't very supportive. :/ But you may see something in them that we do not. But when I hear unsupportive I just know when looking for a partner that was always something important to me. I am very independent. He wants an independent woman (learned the hard way).
Sometimes I would like to have someone to lean on. I don't think he wants anyone leaning on him.
Edited: I used to make more money than him. Every time I mentioned groceries or anything just in conversation, he would say "you make more money than I do!"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:27:06 GMT -5
My ex husbands were crappy in many ways, but they would have definitely drove me to cancer treatments and held my hair out of the toilet when I was puking from chemo. My family would be there for me in a minute if I asked, but I'm not one to ask and they're not ones to impose either. It gets a little tricky sometimes.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 23, 2016 12:32:47 GMT -5
My fiancé is not the "supportive" type either. At least, he has never shown that is the past seven years.
RUN! I'm serious.
I just had this conversation with my sister 2 days ago. She's having a difficult time with her husband, and she told me that her husband would not pick her up from the hospital after her D&C (which she needed after her last kid was born). It wasn't that he couldn't take the time off from work, he simply would not be bothered. Sadly, this was just one of the things that she told me that made me wonder why she stayed with him for so long. When she married him, I got the impression that he was a selfish bastard. Now I know he is.
You never really know who your support system is until you need one. I have needed one several times over the last 20 years. It used to be my parents, but they died. When I got sick, and was alone in KY with the surgeon looking to do surgery that would disable me for an indeterminate amount of time, I discovered exactly who I could count on to help me. I'm really sad that it wasn't my family, but TD. He went above and beyond the call of duty, and there is no way I'd ever be able to repay him for what he did for me.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 23, 2016 12:33:59 GMT -5
Thankfully, I have people I can depend on. Not a lot of people, but I think most have very few they would rely on in a serious jam. My parents have always been there for me if needed. I have always been very independent so have never asked for much. Mom was always good for emotional support but is no longer on this earth. I know I could rely upon my dad financially if necessary, but hopefully that will never be needed. My brother and I are not very close. We talk on holidays and maybe see one another every 1-2 years. I am not close to extended family. I was close with my grandparents but they passed away years ago. My BFF and I are very close. I consider her family and think of her as a sister. I don't have any family that lives near me and my BFF has taken me to surgical procedures, etc. I have done the same for her. We even have one another down as our emergency contact. The guy I am dating thinks that is kind of weird. I don't think it is weird at all because we rely on one another like family and neither one of us have any blood relatives that live close by. I told him if he ends up with staying power then maybe he will get the luxury of becoming my emergency contact . I have a couple of other friends that I can rely on to a certain extend. If my car broke down, they would come get me...that sort of thing. They aren't people I would ever ask for money (I would actually have to be starving to ask for money from anyone anyway). They aren't people I would ask to drive me to the hospital for surgery but they would definitely come visit me. They are there to listen to me and provide some emotional support.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 23, 2016 12:35:18 GMT -5
I am very independent. He wants an independent woman (learned the hard way).
You can be independent until Murphy pees on your day. What happens then? What happens if you are in a car accident where you need help? What happens if HE is in a car accident where he needs help? Do you feel like you'd reciprocate?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 23, 2016 12:46:45 GMT -5
I almost have to say that too. It's not good that the fiancee isn't very supportive. :/ But you may see something in them that we do not. But when I hear unsupportive I just know when looking for a partner that was always something important to me. I am very independent. He wants an independent woman (learned the hard way).
Sometimes I would like to have someone to lean on. I don't think he wants anyone leaning on him.
Edited: I used to make more money than him. Every time I mentioned groceries or anything just in conversation, he would say "you make more money than I do!" I'm independent to a fault, often times people don't know I am in trouble until I collapse under the weight of whatever I am trying to carry. That's not a trait to be proud of. That's not something I want my spouse to encourage me to be. My spouse is supposed to be the one who steps up to help me carry the burden when it becomes too much. For better or worse, in sickness and in health" is part of your marriage vows. If you can only count on him for the "health and better" part then why get married at all?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:50:00 GMT -5
I am very independent. He wants an independent woman (learned the hard way).
Sometimes I would like to have someone to lean on. I don't think he wants anyone leaning on him.
Edited: I used to make more money than him. Every time I mentioned groceries or anything just in conversation, he would say "you make more money than I do!" I'm independent to a fault, often times people don't know I am in trouble until I collapse under the weight of whatever I am trying to carry. That's not a trait to be proud of. That's not something I want my spouse to encourage me to be. My spouse is supposed to be the one who steps up to help me carry the burden when it becomes too much. For better or worse, in sickness and in health" is part of your marriage vows. If you can only count on him for the "health and better" part then why get married at all? I am not getting married.
It's just a ring. I have no desire to marry anyone ever. To me, marriage is just a piece of paper.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 23, 2016 12:50:56 GMT -5
This morning I told my fiancé I would not tell anyone if there was something bad wrong with me.
If I got cancer, I would need treatment. I have no one to drive me and help take care of me.
If I got cancer, I would not be able to work. I would have no income. I would not be able to pay for my food, insurance, utilities, taxes etc.
I have a savings, but my health insurance deductible would exhaust that. (Not my retirement savings.)
My fiancé is not the "supportive" type either. At least, he has never shown that is the past seven years.
If I got cancer, we'd be in a shit storm, too. I bring in 75% of my family's income. I don't know, selfishly, if I'd want my DH to work full time. Three kids and a cancer patient, plus full time work. I think that would be a lot on his plate. Honestly, in your position, one of the things I would do is look at a new job. Even our HDHP deductible is 5K. You need something with either more pay and/or better health insurance. DH and I have not always had a good marriage. He was not always my rock. We were not always partners. Having experienced life both ways-having an interdependent relationship and one where we are completely independent, I much prefer the interdependent relationship. I like my relationship with my husband to have lots of non-sexual intimacy over one that has very little.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:50:59 GMT -5
I am very independent. He wants an independent woman (learned the hard way).You can be independent until Murphy pees on your day. What happens then? What happens if you are in a car accident where you need help? What happens if HE is in a car accident where he needs help? Do you feel like you'd reciprocate? It's easy to be independent when all is well, but illness or injury can make that impossible.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 23, 2016 12:55:34 GMT -5
I'm independent to a fault, often times people don't know I am in trouble until I collapse under the weight of whatever I am trying to carry. That's not a trait to be proud of. That's not something I want my spouse to encourage me to be. My spouse is supposed to be the one who steps up to help me carry the burden when it becomes too much. For better or worse, in sickness and in health" is part of your marriage vows. If you can only count on him for the "health and better" part then why get married at all? I am not getting married.
It's just a ring. I have no desire to marry anyone ever. To me, marriage is just a piece of paper.
This is how I feel. I don't have any desire to get married and/or be legally bound to another person. I am not sure why you refer to him as your fiance though if you don't plan on marrying him. Also, I look at an engagement ring as an acceptance of marriage. Is it not?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:56:34 GMT -5
I am going through a tough time right now.
My job does not provide health insurance so I buy my own. It pays good and has a good retirement plan, but no health or disability insurance.
I am actively looking for a new job, but not having any luck. I live in a rural area so there are not a lot of opportunities either.
I do realize I might have to consider relocating in the next few years. I don't want to. I like this area, my house is paid for, but I might have to for financial reasons.
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