alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 27, 2016 16:54:39 GMT -5
So let me see if I understand your relationship, blue. You have a guy that pays half your bills, makes you smile and laugh, gives you jewelry, and provides (I will assume at least decent) sex, but won't change your oil? Personally, I don't see the problem. There are tons of places around here that will change oil for around $20 Paying for an oil change every 3 months is easier and cheaper than paying sex.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jun 27, 2016 20:04:17 GMT -5
My support system is limited. The family I'm close to is located in another country. My mother would be there, advertise every single thing about what was going on to everyone who would listen, and then would harass me to do as she told me (I don't really count that as support). I have some close friends who would help me if I needed it, and who do serve as emotional support.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 27, 2016 21:13:23 GMT -5
DH and I were engaged for a very long time He intended to get married and I did not. But I could count on him and vice versa. We didn't take out on each other our old relationship shit. Well, I guess I did with my marriage phobia. But I loved and trusted him. I'm sure the issues after he died were due to poor lawyering not him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 27, 2016 21:14:30 GMT -5
Anyway, I'm glad now I did marry him. He wanted it and I actually do get survivor benefits which has helped me a lot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 22:14:42 GMT -5
When I was married to my ex, I married an awesome support system. My MIL told me upfront that she wouldn't keep my kids while I worked (fine), but she was always available when there was a snow day and I wasn't off, or to go on field trips when I couldn't, and so on. When my daughter got her first period, the teacher happened to my MIL's best friend. So she called my MIL who checked out my daughter and took her shopping. It was one of my daughter's favorite days ever.
She also took me to the ER and hospital more than a few times. Dang, I miss her just typing all of this. But my ex was the same way. Even after we divorced, he hooked up my washer/dryer at the house I bought. He offered to loan me $$$ when I mentioned possibly cashing in a few CDs early. People you love, and we did love each other even though we were incompatible, take care of each other.
My husband is now my support system, and I am his. I can't imagine being in a relationship otherwise. Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
When we go to the hospital, I am always reminded how awesome a partner is. Sometimes you will see someone that has gotten a friend to take them. It is entirely different. I have two children who live close enough to help me. But it is a pain for them. DH was in a hit-and-run where he went to the hospital in an ambulance. I was trying to figure out how to get his car home and not towed (the paramedics moved it to a restaurant). I called my DIL to see if my son could meet me there. She and her mother and her two kids at the time took care of it. I'm still grateful but the two kids have become four kids and my daughter has five. Any support is difficult for them.
Yet that is what family does. If you aren't getting that from your partner, Bluester, you need to rethink. As you get older, there are more and more things you need support for. Recently DH had cataract surgery. It is honestly not a big deal, but I had to take two days off from work to handle it. One was for the surgery, and the other was for the follow-up 24 hours later. How would you handle something like that? People mention Uber, but most places require someone stay with you. You had better find a good healthcare agency if your partner won't do it.
I can't imagine considering someone a partner if he wasn't part of my support system. I, too, had a fiancé in ring only, but we took care of each other and family. I helped diaper his mother every Sunday.
That's what people who love each other do.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jun 27, 2016 23:02:49 GMT -5
I'm terrible at accepting help.
My friends asked me to call them when I being discharged from the hospital; I took a cab home wearing only a johnny shirt.
They were MAD.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 28, 2016 6:14:20 GMT -5
I am helping support my Mom - she just had surgery yesterday. She is not the type of person to ask for help but she was pretty excited when I decided to fly down for her surgery. My brothers live closer (1 and 3 hours from Mom). My Dad gets around pretty well but has hearing problems so glad I am here to help him figure out what is going on.
Apparently in modern times you need a social media coordinator to keep everyone informed! That is another thing my Dad can't do. So I have Moms phone , she has several groups ( quilting group ) that send a ton of messages and want to know every detail. Several people call her phone for updates, I post on Facebook that she is fine but cannot talk on the phone. I'm glad she has a ton of friends, but it is almost full time job keeping everyone up to date.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 28, 2016 6:24:22 GMT -5
I know some people get annoyed by them but group messages are awesome for things like that. Then you know everyone has the same information.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 28, 2016 7:39:01 GMT -5
I know some people get annoyed by them but group messages are awesome for things like that. Then you know everyone has the same information. They are great if everyone knows how to use them. My Mom is 76 and most of her friends are the same age. So I send out a group text got a few replies, then several " what's going on I didn't see an update" then replies to those, etc. I sent a text to Moms older sister, she called me and I gave her update then later she texted back "oh just saw the text". I love them all, but this is full time job! It has calmed down this morning, and I hope to give Mom her phone back if she is feeling up to it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2016 9:35:11 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
Remember those Eharmony commercials with the hot young couples promising to do stuff like "never wear a flannel nightgown" or "always take out the garbage" and then it flashes to the logo and talks about love and being a perfect match?
IMO the quote above is what the couple should be pledging. If you can do that for someone and not run away screaming you're a perfect match for each other.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 28, 2016 9:47:28 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
Remember those Eharmony commercials with the hot young couples promising to do stuff like "never wear a flannel nightgown" or "always take out the garbage" and then it flashes to the logo and talks about love and being a perfect match? IMO the quote above is what the couple should be pledging. If you can do that for someone and not run away screaming you're a perfect match for each other. I think most marriage vows still have " in sickness and in health". You sometimes need to do what you have to.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2016 9:49:24 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
Remember those Eharmony commercials with the hot young couples promising to do stuff like "never wear a flannel nightgown" or "always take out the garbage" and then it flashes to the logo and talks about love and being a perfect match? IMO the quote above is what the couple should be pledging. If you can do that for someone and not run away screaming you're a perfect match for each other. I think most marriage vows still have " in sickness and in health". You sometimes need to do what you have to. Agreed. I just found the commercials stupid. I can take out my own garbage. What I really need is someone who will pick nits out of my hair after my kid gives me lice. If he can do that with a straight face then he's a keeper.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 28, 2016 10:07:06 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
Remember those Eharmony commercials with the hot young couples promising to do stuff like "never wear a flannel nightgown" or "always take out the garbage" and then it flashes to the logo and talks about love and being a perfect match? IMO the quote above is what the couple should be pledging. If you can do that for someone and not run away screaming you're a perfect match for each other. I did all that and more for DH. I wonder now if he'd have done the same for me?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 28, 2016 10:08:28 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
Remember those Eharmony commercials with the hot young couples promising to do stuff like "never wear a flannel nightgown" or "always take out the garbage" and then it flashes to the logo and talks about love and being a perfect match? IMO the quote above is what the couple should be pledging. If you can do that for someone and not run away screaming you're a perfect match for each other. I think most marriage vows still have " in sickness and in health". You sometimes need to do what you have to. Yeah, I got the sickness part down pat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 10:35:06 GMT -5
Right now I'd say DH is a great support system, although (fortunately) mostly what I need is emotional support when I go overboard worrying.
In the past couple of weeks I've had to be DH's support system and I'm not Mother Teresa. When he decided he wanted to go to the ER a few days after he hurt his back in a fall, it was on a day when I had a ton of things to do, I dropped him off. Yeah, I dropped him off. Five hours later I'd heard nothing (DH doesn't have a phone) so I drove back to the hospital. They'd determined he had compression fractures of 2 vertebrae and needed to operate. He was doped up on pain killers and sleepy. I left again. When I was at the gym they called and said he was in surgery. Then they called back and said he wasn't in surgery because they thought he had a low-grade infection and they were admitting him. So, I went back with a supply of books and other necessities then went grocery shopping and picked up our order at Lowe's. He checked out AMA Saturday AM when it became clear they were going to do nothing over the weekend but feed him mediocre food and poke at him a lot.
We're about to leave for a bone scan that (please, God) will give the surgeon enough info to schedule the surgery. In the meantime, DH is doped up on pain killers, sleeping weird hours, not eating much (I do bring in his junky favorites like McDonald's because I just want to get calories into him). Of course he can't drive, either.
I don't do well in waiting mode when I have no control over things and it's been like this for way too long. I don't always handle it gracefully, especially when I feel like everything has gotten put on my plate.
And then, because DH is 15 years older, I wonder who will do this for me. My plan is to move to assisted living near DS when I'm less capable of living independently. I hope he and DDIL visit and bring the grandkids!
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Lizard Queen
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103/2024
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 28, 2016 10:57:16 GMT -5
I don't have much of a support system either, but I have DH all the way. My parents used to be there for me, but now I'm there for my mom and she can't really help me, as much as she'd like to. My brother answers his phone when he feels like it. My sister is busy drinking herself to death. I used to have a cousin that was very close in age, but I haven't seen him for years, despite living within a mile of my house. He did come over a couple years ago after my brother called him (DB was off on one of his many fishing trips.) My mom's stove started gushing out natural gas, and I couldn't turn off the cutoff valve. I had a toddler and baby with me, wandering into the house and I was panicking. I guess there's that, but I really don't feel like I can really count on anyone being there but DH. (DH was out of town that day, otherwise I would never have had the kids with me.)
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 28, 2016 12:39:26 GMT -5
Right now I'd say DH is a great support system, although (fortunately) mostly what I need is emotional support when I go overboard worrying. In the past couple of weeks I've had to be DH's support system and I'm not Mother Teresa. When he decided he wanted to go to the ER a few days after he hurt his back in a fall, it was on a day when I had a ton of things to do, I dropped him off. Yeah, I dropped him off. Five hours later I'd heard nothing (DH doesn't have a phone) so I drove back to the hospital. They'd determined he had compression fractures of 2 vertebrae and needed to operate. He was doped up on pain killers and sleepy. I left again. When I was at the gym they called and said he was in surgery. Then they called back and said he wasn't in surgery because they thought he had a low-grade infection and they were admitting him. So, I went back with a supply of books and other necessities then went grocery shopping and picked up our order at Lowe's. He checked out AMA Saturday AM when it became clear they were going to do nothing over the weekend but feed him mediocre food and poke at him a lot. We're about to leave for a bone scan that (please, God) will give the surgeon enough info to schedule the surgery. In the meantime, DH is doped up on pain killers, sleeping weird hours, not eating much (I do bring in his junky favorites like McDonald's because I just want to get calories into him). Of course he can't drive, either. I don't do well in waiting mode when I have no control over things and it's been like this for way too long. I don't always handle it gracefully, especially when I feel like everything has gotten put on my plate. And then, because DH is 15 years older, I wonder who will do this for me. My plan is to move to assisted living near DS when I'm less capable of living independently. I hope he and DDIL visit and bring the grandkids! Grand kids? You have another on the way?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 12:51:15 GMT -5
Grand kids? You have another on the way? Yes- in November! No idea yet if the little critter is a boy or a girl.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jun 28, 2016 14:38:14 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. I'm not sure he ever had anyone love him that much. I had. For all that was wrong with my first marriage, it wasn't that no one cared.
Remember those Eharmony commercials with the hot young couples promising to do stuff like "never wear a flannel nightgown" or "always take out the garbage" and then it flashes to the logo and talks about love and being a perfect match? IMO the quote above is what the couple should be pledging. If you can do that for someone and not run away screaming you're a perfect match for each other. I did all that and more for DH. I wonder now if he'd have done the same for me? No need to wonder. Just assume that he would have and keep your loving memories. Remember that there was a reason the two of you stuch together for years → he really wanted to be with you
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 28, 2016 15:16:06 GMT -5
Grand kids? You have another on the way? Yes- in November! No idea yet if the little critter is a boy or a girl. November is a good birthday month.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 15:26:09 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. At a point when I was feeling stressed about taking care of DH and everything else, too, I was listening to a BBC podcast (In Our Time by Melvin Bragg, highly recommended) and this week's topic was Margery Kempe, a 14th-century English mystic. She had lots of visions and conversations with Jesus that sort of make my eyes glaze over but they mentioned that as her husband aged, he got frail and had a tendency to "foul his linens". She was having a hard time with this but Jesus visited her and reminded her that they'd enjoyed each others' bodies plenty when they were younger and now it was time for her to take care of his.
I'm not sure how much I buy all these visions of hers but the message really hit home!
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jun 29, 2016 4:45:56 GMT -5
Several years ago my husband had major surgery that didn't go well. As part of it--to put it bluntly--he needed someone to wipe his butt. I just did it . . . just as I also scrubbed the crap off the carpeting. He was stunned, but it was just part of what you do for people you love. At a point when I was feeling stressed about taking care of DH and everything else, too, I was listening to a BBC podcast (In Our Time by Melvin Bragg, highly recommended) and this week's topic was Margery Kempe, a 14th-century English mystic. She had lots of visions and conversations with Jesus that sort of make my eyes glaze over but they mentioned that as her husband aged, he got frail and had a tendency to "foul his linens". She was having a hard time with this but Jesus visited her and reminded her that they'd enjoyed each others' bodies plenty when they were younger and now it was time for her to take care of his.
I'm not sure how much I buy all these visions of hers but the message really hit home!
I don't put too much stock in visions. The psych wards are plumb full to bursting with people having visions. It's called psychosis.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 29, 2016 12:31:11 GMT -5
And also I don't want to think about old people enjoying each other's bodies.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 29, 2016 12:32:04 GMT -5
And also I don't want to think about old people enjoying each other's bodies. wrinkly old man balls.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2016 13:40:14 GMT -5
And also I don't want to think about old people enjoying each other's bodies. The point was that even if you no longer hotly pursue each others' bodies, it's still a loving gesture to take care of them.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 29, 2016 13:55:23 GMT -5
And also I don't want to think about old people enjoying each other's bodies. The point was that even if you no longer hotly pursue each others' bodies, it's still a loving gesture to take care of them. I know what the intention was. And my response still stands.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 29, 2016 14:08:33 GMT -5
We are currently in the middle of a family crisis. It's legal in nature, so I won't be saying anything more about it. However, it has made me realize that we really do have an amazing support system.
C and I are there for each other, that's number 1.
Beyond that, while my mother, brother, father, and step-mother are states away, they have been great emotional support checking in on us. My father has offered to come stay for a while, but for me, that would just be one more person to have to think about, so I've said no. (C is an only child and both of his parents are dead. So it's not that they aren't supportive, they simply don't exist anymore.)
Our friends who live nearby have been fabulous. I called my friend of 20+ years a hour before she was supposed to go out of town for the weekend and said "I need you to babysit me for the the weekend instead." And she did; dropped everything and came to me. Another friend left his house (and his wife, toddler and infant) at 9pm to try and help out. Everyone I have reached out to, has shown up, and been there.
I posted something quick on FB when it happened (on a Friday night and I'd had lots of plans for the weekend) just saying that all weekend plans were cancelled. One of my friends texted me on Monday asking if she should worry. I said worry was probably right, but everything that could be done was being done, so there was that. And then she asked if she could bring us food. She didn't know what was going on, only that I was stressed and worried. She has now twice brought us food - I think she's been responsible for feeding us over half the nights of the last two weeks, and I still have some leftovers from her latest casserole.
Reaching out and asking for help is HARD. I hate doing it, but this wasn't something we could handle on our own, and our friends have been amazing. As difficult as this time has been (and will continue to be for the foreseeable future), it has made me realize how blessed we are in the friends/support group arena.
Hopefully we won't need money, but last week, this did cost us $31k with another $20k still owed. Money may be the one place where we really end up needing something. My broke brother offered me whatever space there was on his credit card. I know either of my parents will help as much as they can, but they are in their late 60s. I'd rather take a HELOC on my house than endanger their retirements. So that's where we are.
I am incredibly grateful for the people I have in my life. Because without them, I honestly don't know where I would be today.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 29, 2016 14:12:38 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jun 29, 2016 15:35:53 GMT -5
No, you are not getting the love, appreciation and recognition you need.
I just went through an e-book on self love. It was helpful. I can e-mail you a link. Just PM me if you are interested.
I do have friends now who watch my back. For years I didn't. I am flummoxed by how I am back stabbed attacked by so called friends. I try to compartmentalize my sports groups and leave the issues on the playing field. That is why people shake hands after competition. To stop the competition between the players.
I do not feel I can count on anyone in my family to listen or help. DH did help me through my brother's estate problems but the back story is not good.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 29, 2016 16:14:18 GMT -5
We are currently in the middle of a family crisis. It's legal in nature, so I won't be saying anything more about it. However, it has made me realize that we really do have an amazing support system.
C and I are there for each other, that's number 1.
Beyond that, while my mother, brother, father, and step-mother are states away, they have been great emotional support checking in on us. My father has offered to come stay for a while, but for me, that would just be one more person to have to think about, so I've said no. (C is an only child and both of his parents are dead. So it's not that they aren't supportive, they simply don't exist anymore.)
Our friends who live nearby have been fabulous. I called my friend of 20+ years a hour before she was supposed to go out of town for the weekend and said "I need you to babysit me for the the weekend instead." And she did; dropped everything and came to me. Another friend left his house (and his wife, toddler and infant) at 9pm to try and help out. Everyone I have reached out to, has shown up, and been there.
I posted something quick on FB when it happened (on a Friday night and I'd had lots of plans for the weekend) just saying that all weekend plans were cancelled. One of my friends texted me on Monday asking if she should worry. I said worry was probably right, but everything that could be done was being done, so there was that. And then she asked if she could bring us food. She didn't know what was going on, only that I was stressed and worried. She has now twice brought us food - I think she's been responsible for feeding us over half the nights of the last two weeks, and I still have some leftovers from her latest casserole.
Reaching out and asking for help is HARD. I hate doing it, but this wasn't something we could handle on our own, and our friends have been amazing. As difficult as this time has been (and will continue to be for the foreseeable future), it has made me realize how blessed we are in the friends/support group arena.
Hopefully we won't need money, but last week, this did cost us $31k with another $20k still owed. Money may be the one place where we really end up needing something. My broke brother offered me whatever space there was on his credit card. I know either of my parents will help as much as they can, but they are in their late 60s. I'd rather take a HELOC on my house than endanger their retirements. So that's where we are.
I am incredibly grateful for the people I have in my life. Because without them, I honestly don't know where I would be today. I was wondering how you guys and Pop Tart were doing earlier this week. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now.
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