bcdfgh
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Post by bcdfgh on Jun 24, 2016 9:50:38 GMT -5
I'm in a similar situation. Although I'm financially independent, I don't family, relatives or close friends to lean on emotionally. I'm alone during Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays so those days are like any other days. For transportation use Uber if needed. I used it when my doc didn't let me drive due to medication for the procedure. Not around here I'm not. Seems like every night on the news there is a new driver who is a sex offender who doesn't have a license or some such thing. Thanks but no thanks. I'll stick to calling DH's brothers and nephews. I heard about those too. Some were caused by drivers others were caused by riders. What if you relatives are not nearby or can't help you? There were times I did ask co-workers and one neighbor but they didn't want to help. Also some people are not interested in 'friends with benefits'. I'm in MD.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 9:56:08 GMT -5
Please don't bash me for this - But a reason it hurts a little more is because fiancé used to support his ex-girlfriend and her kids. She didn't even work when they lived with him. He paid her car insurance, groceries, school supplies and everything. She did not get child support from the children's father because they had 50/50 custody. (She quit her job shortly after moving in.) My fiancé told me all of this. He had to work a lot to pay for everything.
That's is also probably the main reason he is hesitant to help anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't needed anything from him, and I haven't asked him for anything, and I am glad I am independent, but at least let me know you would be there if needed.
Of course, he did kick her out the first chance he had. One day she told him she wasn't happy so he told her she had two days to get out. (Her parents bought her a house to live in then.)
He lives in my house (pays his fair share) so I am safe.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 24, 2016 10:03:13 GMT -5
Please don't bash me for this - But a reason it hurts a little more is because fiancé used to support his ex-girlfriend and her kids. She didn't even work when they lived with him. He paid her car insurance, groceries, school supplies and everything. She did not get child support from the children's father because they had 50/50 custody. (She quit her job shortly after moving in.) My fiancé told me all of this. He had to work a lot to pay for everything.
That's is also probably the main reason he is hesitant to help anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't needed anything from him, and I haven't asked him for anything, and I am glad I am independent, but at least let me know you would be there if needed.
Of course, he did kick her out the first chance he had. One day she told him she wasn't happy so he told her she had two days to get out. (Her parents bought her a house to live in then.)
He lives in my house (pays his fair share) so I am safe.
There's a difference in the two of you. You are financially independent and not wanting him to support you. If he can't see that, he needs a smack upside the head. If he's not willing to carry the whole money load that's one thing, but if he's made clear he's not feeling like being emotionally supportive or "in sickness" supportive, then I'm not sure I'd stay if I were you. I assume there are lots of things you like about him or he wouldn't have lasted 7 years, BUT, at this point, it's time for him to stop punishing you for his last GF's bad attitude/his mistakes.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 24, 2016 10:05:56 GMT -5
You said it all, CL!!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 24, 2016 10:17:45 GMT -5
Please don't bash me for this - But a reason it hurts a little more is because fiancé used to support his ex-girlfriend and her kids. She didn't even work when they lived with him. He paid her car insurance, groceries, school supplies and everything. She did not get child support from the children's father because they had 50/50 custody. (She quit her job shortly after moving in.) My fiancé told me all of this. He had to work a lot to pay for everything.
That's is also probably the main reason he is hesitant to help anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't needed anything from him, and I haven't asked him for anything, and I am glad I am independent, but at least let me know you would be there if needed.
Of course, he did kick her out the first chance he had. One day she told him she wasn't happy so he told her she had two days to get out. (Her parents bought her a house to live in then.)
He lives in my house (pays his fair share) so I am safe.
There's a difference in the two of you. You are financially independent and not wanting him to support you. If he can't see that, he needs a smack upside the head. If he's not willing to carry the whole money load that's one thing, but if he's made clear he's not feeling like being emotionally supportive or "in sickness" supportive, then I'm not sure I'd stay if I were you. I assume there are lots of things you like about him or he wouldn't have lasted 7 years, BUT, at this point, it's time for him to stop punishing you for his last GF's bad attitude/his mistakes.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 24, 2016 10:28:09 GMT -5
I have an awesome support system - both family and friends. I'll admit it's not always the support I think I want, but in the end, it was the support I needed at the time. My friends and my family are all "tough love" kinds of people. It wouldn't be unusual for them to say something like, "Don't be a dumbass." It's harsh but to the point. I thought I wanted to hear, "Oh dear! What a tough decision! We're here for you." But that's not what I needed. I needed, "Don't be a dumbass."
We don't have to ask one another for help. We're all close enough to know when someone needs help and we just do it. Most recently, one of my good friends ended up having to have an emergency C-Section. Three days later, her hubby ended up in the hospital with a serious case of pneumonia. She has a 3 year old at home already. We got together, made up a schedule of meals and help around the house and we made it work. Nobody had to ask - we just did it. I suppose there are some scenarios where that might not be welcome, but I wouldn't have friends like that so it really doesn't matter.
I know that you said you don't want this to be about your fiancé and I'm trying to respect that, but if you truly feel you have no support system and family isn't an option, start building one. I wouldn't normally advise anybody on their love lives but if you have someone around who does nothing for you emotionally, get rid of him. If you are hanging on just to have someone, I can tell you without a doubt that it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Get out there and make some friends you can count on. Build what you need - nobody is going to do it for you. As my friends would say, "Get off your butt and make it better!"
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 24, 2016 11:48:41 GMT -5
Please don't bash me for this - But a reason it hurts a little more is because fiancé used to support his ex-girlfriend and her kids. She didn't even work when they lived with him. He paid her car insurance, groceries, school supplies and everything. She did not get child support from the children's father because they had 50/50 custody. (She quit her job shortly after moving in.) My fiancé told me all of this. He had to work a lot to pay for everything.
That's is also probably the main reason he is hesitant to help anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't needed anything from him, and I haven't asked him for anything, and I am glad I am independent, but at least let me know you would be there if needed.
Of course, he did kick her out the first chance he had. One day she told him she wasn't happy so he told her she had two days to get out. (Her parents bought her a house to live in then.)
He lives in my house (pays his fair share) so I am safe.
That is his baggage, not yours. If he can't deal with his baggage and see that you are a different person then he needs to either learn quick or be let go. It's not fair to expect you to go without any kind of support from him be it emotional, physical or otherwise just because he had a bad experience in his past. Due to HIS choices no less. That's not a partner. If he doesn't want to support anyone then don't get into a relationship. An emotional healthy person recognizes there is a line between support and enabling. Seems he's swung from one end of the extreme to the other. It's not fair to you that in seven years he hasn't figured it out. I don't think it's something to bash YOU over at all. However he needs hit repeatedly with a 2x4. Nobody who is in a relationship, especially one that has moved into fiance status, should feel as alone as you do. You deserve better.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 24, 2016 12:01:46 GMT -5
You do deserve better. The only thing I would "bash" you about is making excuses for him. If you feel he brings more to the relationship than not, and you decide you can live with that, you might want to start looking outside of this relationship for a support system. It doesn't appear you can look to him for that and it doesn't appear that's going to change.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jun 24, 2016 12:11:25 GMT -5
The sex must be really, really, good.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jun 24, 2016 14:58:48 GMT -5
I am sorry so many here have no, or at best a marginal, support system, I have said many times that I got lucky in life. I have a very supportive family who would fly half way across the world to help me if I needed them (they would have to for them to reach me) and they have always been emotionally been there when I went through tough time -thank you Mr A.G. Bell). Then a few years ago broke my arm and I needed help, I discovered what great local friends I have. They know how much I like asking -NOT- so they just announced that they were coming over to do whatever, taking me to the doctor or whatever, and so on. Eventhough I have had tough times like most anyone else → I have been very lucky in my life because of the people in it.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Jun 24, 2016 22:45:05 GMT -5
Please don't bash me for this - But a reason it hurts a little more is because fiancé used to support his ex-girlfriend and her kids. She didn't even work when they lived with him. He paid her car insurance, groceries, school supplies and everything. She did not get child support from the children's father because they had 50/50 custody. (She quit her job shortly after moving in.) My fiancé told me all of this. He had to work a lot to pay for everything.
That's is also probably the main reason he is hesitant to help anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't needed anything from him, and I haven't asked him for anything, and I am glad I am independent, but at least let me know you would be there if needed.
Of course, he did kick her out the first chance he had. One day she told him she wasn't happy so he told her she had two days to get out. (Her parents bought her a house to live in then.)
He lives in my house (pays his fair share) so I am safe.
Can you give some examples of how he is hesitant to help anyone? Like, if your car broke down in the middle of nowhere, would he come and pick you up or would he have you fend for yourself? If you were sick with the flu, would he take care of things around the house and look after you? I'm just kind of curious because if he's your fiance and he kind of acts like an a*s, then what do you think it's going to be like when you get married?
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jun 26, 2016 19:15:34 GMT -5
I could be way off base here bluester, but it really sounds like you aren't actively and passionately pursuing the life you want, but kind of passively accepting things as they are. You can't really form a relationship with a partner, by definition a partner has your back, when you have reserved that spot for someone you are engaged to, but don't actually plan on marrying. You can't really have the career you want, since you live in an area with limited opportunities. It sounds like moving would also get you away from your sister, who sounds horrible, and your obligations to your mother, which sound limiting. I mean, if you don't even have time to recover from surgery without getting guilt trips about helping her, how can you have time to create the life you want?
I'm not trying to judge you here. Your life, your choices. But it sounds like you have no kids and no ties, which means a lot of freedom to go out and craft the life you want and fill it with great people.
To answer your question....Yes, I am blessed with great people I have and can rely on. Two of them were just sperm lottery luck, the rest were a combination of luck and forging trust and love over a number of years.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 7:47:23 GMT -5
Please don't bash me for this - But a reason it hurts a little more is because fiancé used to support his ex-girlfriend and her kids. She didn't even work when they lived with him. He paid her car insurance, groceries, school supplies and everything. She did not get child support from the children's father because they had 50/50 custody. (She quit her job shortly after moving in.) My fiancé told me all of this. He had to work a lot to pay for everything.
That's is also probably the main reason he is hesitant to help anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't needed anything from him, and I haven't asked him for anything, and I am glad I am independent, but at least let me know you would be there if needed.
Of course, he did kick her out the first chance he had. One day she told him she wasn't happy so he told her she had two days to get out. (Her parents bought her a house to live in then.)
He lives in my house (pays his fair share) so I am safe.
Can you give some examples of how he is hesitant to help anyone? Like, if your car broke down in the middle of nowhere, would he come and pick you up or would he have you fend for yourself? If you were sick with the flu, would he take care of things around the house and look after you? I'm just kind of curious because if he's your fiance and he kind of acts like an a*s, then what do you think it's going to be like when you get married? She has said numerous times she has no plans on ever marrying him.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2016 8:44:31 GMT -5
Even if they aren't getting married it seems silly to live with someone and continue to invest more time in someone that has you wondering if they would bother to pick you up from the hospital in the event of an emergency.
Goodness knows my family has a fair amount of dysfunction going on but I DO know that they'd run every red light in town to get to the hospital in the event of an emergency.
Which to me is what is most important in my support system. Yes I need them for the little stuff too but to me it's how you handle the BIG roadblocks in life that measure your worth as a support system. That's when I am going to need you the most.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 9:43:31 GMT -5
Can you give some examples of how he is hesitant to help anyone? Like, if your car broke down in the middle of nowhere, would he come and pick you up or would he have you fend for yourself? If you were sick with the flu, would he take care of things around the house and look after you? I'm just kind of curious because if he's your fiance and he kind of acts like an a*s, then what do you think it's going to be like when you get married? When we first starting dating I was having car problems and I called him because he is very mechanical. I think he was hesitant to help me because he was afraid I would want him to buy me a new car. I only wanted his opinion. He won't even change my oil for me.
One time I was sick with the flu and he called his mother (he was at work). She brought me ice chips, bananas and soda to help settle my stomach. I felt guilty because I did not want his elderly mother catching anything.
After starting this thread, I decided I am going to have a talk with him. I am going to ask him how much he really cares. If anything terrible ever happened to him, I would take care of him. If he ended up paralyzed or something, I would stay in the picture - as long as he was nice.
My mother has passed away. My father would probably help me financially but would not be happy about it. My sister would be livid.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 27, 2016 11:19:49 GMT -5
Not really for the most part. Depends on the situation.
I live alone and all my family is out of state. So they won't help out except in the most dire of circumstances. In theory, if I had a major illness or injury, they might come and help, but it'd have to be pretty bad. Fortunatly, I haven't had to find out.
But simpler things, like getting a ride if my car's in the shop is a significant logistical challenge.
Financially, my parents have loaned me money in the past if I needed it.
Emotional support is pretty much non existent.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2016 11:25:35 GMT -5
When we first starting dating I was having car problems and I called him because he is very mechanical. I think he was hesitant to help me because he was afraid I would want him to buy me a new car
Seriously? That's the mental leap he made? I get it his last girlfriend used him but that's on him for being a doormat. That doesn't entitle him to go to the other end of the extreme and not so much as do an oil change on your car. There IS a healthy middle ground that he better start looking for. You don't deserve to be punished because he was stupid in the past. After starting this thread, I decided I am going to have a talk with him. I am going to ask him how much he really cares
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 27, 2016 11:26:16 GMT -5
This social support system is the exact reason people are hesitant to pack up and move.
Right now, DH and I have both sets of parents, one of his siblings, many friends, and lots of assorted cousins/aunts/uncles we can call on in an emergency. I don't hang out with my cousins, but if I needed something, they would be there in an instant. DH's too.
Starting over would be hard.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 27, 2016 11:27:45 GMT -5
When we first starting dating I was having car problems and I called him because he is very mechanical. I think he was hesitant to help me because he was afraid I would want him to buy me a new car
Seriously? That's the mental leap he made? I get it his last girlfriend used him but that's on him for being a doormat. That doesn't entitle him to go to the other end of the extreme and not so much as do an oil change on your car. There IS a healthy middle ground that he better start looking for. You don't deserve to be punished because he was stupid in the past.
After starting this thread, I decided I am going to have a talk with him. I am going to ask him how much he really cares I wouldn't do an oil change either because getting rid of the oil is a PITA. However, he can at least talk to you about it. Geez. He sounds like a dick.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Jun 27, 2016 11:41:43 GMT -5
Can you give some examples of how he is hesitant to help anyone? Like, if your car broke down in the middle of nowhere, would he come and pick you up or would he have you fend for yourself? If you were sick with the flu, would he take care of things around the house and look after you? I'm just kind of curious because if he's your fiance and he kind of acts like an a*s, then what do you think it's going to be like when you get married? She has said numerous times she has no plans on ever marrying him. Why is she engaged then?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 27, 2016 12:02:45 GMT -5
@bluester
Are you sure that there are no underlying issues? Normal, healthy people don't hold grudges for 7 years. Normal, healthy people don't avoid non-sexual intimacy at all costs.
Some of your SO's behavior reminds me of DH's, to be honest, when we were first married. It reminds me of my parents marriage.
For my parents, there marriage was full of mental/emotional abuse and codependency. For my marriage, there was addiction and codependency issues as well.
Ultimately, DH and I did get our stuff together by addressing our underlying issues and we have a healthy relationship for the most part. When we are tired and stressed, we will fall back into old patterns. We are still miles ahead of what we were...
Please procure and read "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly. I found it really helpful for my journey. And the nice thing about it is you can apply what you learn to any relationship, not just marriage partnership type relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 12:37:09 GMT -5
She has said numerous times she has no plans on ever marrying him. Why is she engaged then? It's a ring. I wear it on my left hand. He bought it for me. What should I call it?
He knows I do not want to get married. He is okay with that.
We are both too old to have children. Why should I get married ever to anyone?
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 27, 2016 12:49:26 GMT -5
My parents have passed away but my children and their families all live nearby and are very caring and supportive. I couldn't ask for more. I wish you had that, too, bluester. It's not easy to feel alone and without support in hard times. Know that we're here for you, if that offers any consolation, and so many of us really do care.
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swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 27, 2016 13:06:47 GMT -5
It's a ring. I wear it on my left hand. He bought it for me. What should I call it?
He knows I do not want to get married. He is okay with that.
We are both too old to have children. Why should I get married ever to anyone?
A ring.
Inheritence rights. Social security survivor benefits. The right to make end of life decisions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 13:18:59 GMT -5
It's a ring. I wear it on my left hand. He bought it for me. What should I call it?
He knows I do not want to get married. He is okay with that.
We are both too old to have children. Why should I get married ever to anyone?
Is it possible that your "I don't need anyone" (to the point of being offended by it) attitude might be part of the reason he's not tripping over himself to help. My grandmother was like that. You had to force help on her and she bitched about it the entire time. You had to really love Grandma to help her. I don't know if you're like that or not, but just a thought.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Jun 27, 2016 13:47:02 GMT -5
It's a ring. I wear it on my left hand. He bought it for me. What should I call it?
He knows I do not want to get married. He is okay with that.
We are both too old to have children. Why should I get married ever to anyone?
Then he wouldn't be your fiance', he would be your boyfriend or "the guy that gave you a ring". You are essentially saying "My future hubby" and then getting all huffy when people assume you're getting married to him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 14:34:03 GMT -5
Okay. I am not going back to edit all of my posts, but he is my boyfriend.
The laughter and smiles outweigh the frustrations and tears.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 27, 2016 15:09:30 GMT -5
I think we need to be careful on here. When someone complains about certain aspects of their SO , it doesn't mean that their aren't good things about them too. And then we jump all over the poster "why do you put up with < fill in blank>"
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 27, 2016 15:10:57 GMT -5
So let me see if I understand your relationship, blue. You have a guy that pays half your bills, makes you smile and laugh, gives you jewelry, and provides (I will assume at least decent) sex, but won't change your oil? Personally, I don't see the problem. There are tons of places around here that will change oil for around $20. But it's good that you will have that talk and know where things stand or what you can expect. My DH is my favorite and best support system in many, many ways. His family and I are pretty close too and I know I could count on his youngest sister and probably all 3 of them if I really needed them. I'm pretty much an orphan now and don't want either bio brother any where near me or my life but I do have my best friend and some other pretty good friends and a few neighbors that always have my back. I do have an uncle that's only a year older than me that I like but he lives in S. FL which is hours away. I think he'd be here if I needed him or asked. I've never been a needy person in general (to the point that my family used to complain how I've always been so f____ing independent and never ask anybody for anything) and have been lucky so far so hopefully I will never need to test it. I prefer being self sufficient or just needing DH.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Jun 27, 2016 15:49:44 GMT -5
Boyfriends and spouses are not perfect, but you should be able to at least count them as someone you can depend on if times get tough. If you can't, then it wouldn't work for me but people look for different things.
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