chen35
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Post by chen35 on Feb 24, 2016 17:26:33 GMT -5
I keep coming to this thread to post and then closing my browser. It has brought up a lot of weird feelings.
Like Archie, I never felt like I would get older. I knew logically I would, but never thought it would really happen.
I always thought I would be a stay at home mom. I am SO happy my life didn't work out that way. I'm experienced enough now to know I would hate it. Had I had children at a young age with my first husband it would have been the default setting. I wouldn't have finished school, and would probably be pretty stuck right about now.
My career has surpassed my wildest aspirations. I am grateful for that every day.
I never expected to marry someone with kids. I married someone with 4. It has enriched my life in many ways. In other ways it totally bites. I struggle with it frequently.
I thought I'd have my own kid by now. At this point fertility issues mean it has a high chance of not happening. I haven't quite come to terms with that.
All in all, I am pretty lucky. No where close to where I thought I would be at 18.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Feb 24, 2016 17:27:26 GMT -5
I'm with Zib......51 years of marriage to a great guy, but I didn't know if I was going to survive this past year. Dhs multiple medical problems, both mental and physical was almost more that I could take.
I'm free of all that, have more than enough money to care for myself if I live to be 200, have a 2016 Mercedes and house that is paid for. What more could I want?
Married at 19 and now 71, this is the first time in my life it's "all about me". And I intend to keep it that way. I'm done be responsible for anyone else. My neighbor across the street said it very well I thought: I can hardly take care of me, why on earth would I want to start taking care of someone else?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 18:02:44 GMT -5
family that you love, friends, good health. There is lots more then a paid off house, and a nice car that I would want. Good for you that you are happy though.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Feb 24, 2016 18:12:19 GMT -5
family that you love, friends, good health. There is lots more then a paid off house, and a nice car that I would want. Good for you that you are happy though. You're right Hickle, but for right now, it's all about me....no one else. The only person I'm concerned about is me, and what I want to do or not do is the biggest decision of the day. No more calling the paramedics night after night @ 2:30 AM because DH has fallen and I have no way to get him off the floor. No more double checking his insulin because he took the wrong dose of the wrong insulin. No more carrying breakfast lunch and dinner trays into his room.
I'm 71 and taking care of me. The freedom is beyond belief. I've discovered how to laugh again, and I've discovered something that is called "happy".....imagine, I'd forgotten what laughter and being happy was. Today I remember. I had a lot of help since early December from someone knocking me in the head telling me it was OK to be happy, it was OK to laugh at dumb jokes. I've been blessed in my life, but I'm not going to ruin what is left of it looking for some old bald guy who wants a Nanny and someone to wash his skid marked underwear.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 18:18:34 GMT -5
I am very grateful I've never had to clean anyone's skid marked underwear
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 18:22:10 GMT -5
I've been blessed in my life, but I'm not going to ruin what is left of it looking for some old bald guy who wants a Nanny and someone to wash his skid marked underwear. Amen, sister! I love DH but the older I get the scarier the idea of remarrying if I outlive him, which is likely given that he's older. I wouldn't mind a travel buddy but not some guy who needs a nurse or a purse.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Feb 24, 2016 18:23:17 GMT -5
Oh yes LB, nothing better than a blended family of grandparents, adult kids, grandkids, step kids, step grandchildren on in finitum. Add the money and jewelry in and you've got enough drama to fill 25 years of a daily soap opera.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 18:27:33 GMT -5
Oh yes LB, nothing better than a blended family of grandparents, adult kids, grandkids, step kids, step grandchildren on in finitum. Add the money and jewelry in and you've got enough drama to fill 25 years of a daily soap opera. Well you don't have that head ache thank goodness.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 24, 2016 18:29:01 GMT -5
I hate to tell you this, but 10 years from now you're going to look back and think how YOUNG you were. How great of shape you were in, how much hair you had... Enjoy now. and it is what I keep telling myself even though I'll be old enough for Medicare come October, besides --- it peats the alternative by a mile provided you are not too enarmored by looking at the roots of Daisies above your head Me, this May. Yet I still think like I am 30.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Feb 24, 2016 19:20:21 GMT -5
Sure, there are a few things I would change if I had a re-do, but I would also worry that any changes I might make might cause a ripple effect that would cost me the people I value the most in my life. I've been going with the flow for the past twenty years because I had little ones depending upon me for their very survival (who's bright idea was that??!!, LOL). As they head off to college, I'm now beginning to see a lot of possibility ahead of me for the next 15-20 years and I am trying to set myself up to define what that is. I might just do something newsworthy yet to make you all gasp in surprise and delight before I leave this rock!!! so very much this. there are things that I wish I could have done differently when I was younger, but in all honesty, those things and how they evolved have made me the cynical bitch I am today. to answer the OP, yes and no. I had always dreamed about living at the beach, in fact IN the neighborhood where I currently do live, but I thought that was still at least a decade away - especially as I continue my life as a single woman. my neighborhood is pricey, and I caught a flip at the right time. I don't want to say that my life has gone off track, but I don't think I saw myself single at 37. I definitely never wanted to have kids, but I guess I thought I'd find my partner in crime by now. it doesn't really bother me much, as I have plenty of friends and loved ones to occupy my time. if that happens, it happens. I think the last 18 months, once things really started changing for me when I was finally able to sell the condo, the changes just kept coming in rapid-fire succession. since October 2014, I have (in order) sold a condo, adopted a puppy, bought a house, financed a new car, took in a roommate after living alone for 10yrs, changed jobs, adopted a rescue pup, survived a layoff and most recently - survived a near-two week FDA audit from hell. can the dust settle now, puhleeze?? "Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." -Harvey Mackay My SO were just having a conversation about the ripple effect. When I imagined my life, I pictured myself having a rewarding career, living by the beach, and most likely being alone. (That seems to be what usually happens when women put their careers first. ) After I finished grad school, I turned down a job offer that probably would have been the best thing for my career because I wanted to keep living near the beach. Right now, my career is a disappointment, but I am engaged to an awesome guy who I probably never would have met if I had moved 8 years ago. We are going to move far away from the beach soon, but I am okay with that. I still don't have a dog yet, but we will get one soon enough. I used to love those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I wish life was like that, so you could skip to the end to see how everything turns out.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Feb 24, 2016 19:50:30 GMT -5
Unless you were born with a physical or mental disability or been kept in a dungeon tied up, once you become an adult, you become responsible of your own future, of your own life. All you need is WANT to do better, get better, be better!
I don't know, I kind of have mixed feelings on this. In our family there were four kids. Mom had some MH issues of her own, and she took most of her anger out on the oldest girl, while the youngest daughter became the golden child who couldn't do anything wrong. (I was a middle kid)
Mom was verbally and physically abuse to the oldest - I'm talking beatings with hangers and kicking her down a flight of stairs. Refused to give her money for school supplies or clothes and fought with her on almost a daily basis because she wanted a size 6 cheerleader daughter instead of a size 18 artist daughter.
My oldest sister didn't leave home, she fled. She moved halfway across the country and cut off all ties with her family for about 10 years because she was convinced Mom hated her and had turned all the other family members against her. Gradually, I resumed talking to her, but I was the only one in the family that made the effort.
My sister never got over being the family goat. Whenever I talked to her, she wanted to complain about mom and about the golden child, about things that happened 30 years before. I tried to urge her to move forward and forget all that, but she didn't seem to be able to. She had a college degree but got a job she was overqualified for, worked enough to not get fired but never got promoted, quit work at 50 and got on disability, married an ex-alcoholic/bi polar guy who was also on disability, and ended up dying at 60, her home so horded with junk and cats we had to use respirators and trailers to haul the junk away.
I've often wondered what my sister's life would have like if she had a normal mom who encouraged her and pushed her to be the best she could be, rather than beating her down and telling her constantly what a failure and a loser she was. I have to think she would have been more like me and the other middle child, who both went on to be successful with careers, married decent guys, had a comfortable lifestyle. Was it her fault she couldn't shake off her crappy childhood and carried that resentment, anger, and sense of poor self worth throughout her life?
I feel the same about people who were sexually abused as kids, or rotated through crappy foster homes. I think it's kind of a miracle when those people overcome such a bad beginning and are successful. But I don't know that it's right to blame those who get stuck in a bad place and can't move on.
My parent's weren't abusive, but they had their issues. My brother (for reasons out of his control) was affected more than I was. He is a great guy who has been doing the best he can with his crappy circumstances his whole life, but he may still end up on government assistance some day. I wouldn't judge him for that. If I had extra money, I would help him out.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 25, 2016 1:32:47 GMT -5
...I used to love those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I wish life was like that, so you could skip to the end to see how everything turns out. But life is like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books mojothehelpermonkey. At decision point you choose: take the job or not, go out with the cute guy or nor, stay or leave when things fall apart or if they get too boring/exiting. Whether your life turns into a big adventure, a boring event, or a horrible disappointment depends on your choises and pure luck - be it good or bad. Just enjoy the ride.
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ners
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Post by ners on Feb 25, 2016 6:15:21 GMT -5
Not what I thought of at 20. I envisioned getting married and having children and a career.
I married no children. I got divorced. Was in a unhealthy relationship.
I did have my dream job. Then the company closed.
I have a job that I do well, It pays enough to pay the bills.
Overall I am happy with my life. Not sure I would change.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2016 17:59:30 GMT -5
It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got A friend has a fridge magnet that says "love what you have". I have always loved and wanted her magnet.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2016 19:05:21 GMT -5
This isn't the life I imagined. There are things that I know would be different if I was still married to my ex, particularly my relationship with my children. That's geography, ironically, but it does matter. But I am very lucky in how it did turn out. I love my husband very much, and the cocker spaniel is the child we never had. Right now, though, she is grounded (literally on the ground for the night) because she peed on my bed. Lol. When washing four loads of laundry this morning (the bed is like the Fort Knox of waterproofing) is the worst of my problems, life is really, really good. But she is still grounded . . .
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Feb 25, 2016 21:53:30 GMT -5
It's a weird thing really. My life is picture perfect. We've met or exceeded every goal. Everyone's healthy. Kids are great. Wife is wonderful. But somehow, I'm not as happy as I feel I should be. It's like I've already pretty much accomplished everything I set out to do, and I'm not dead yet. Anybody else feel that way?
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Feb 26, 2016 8:09:05 GMT -5
Greg, yes. Figuring out next set of goals, but don't know what they are yet. They'll be nonfinsncial I know what my next set of goals are, but I have no idea how to accomplish them. I'm sure I should spend most of my time and money helping other people, but I'm not much of a people person, so I really don't know where to begin.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 26, 2016 8:23:28 GMT -5
I intend to make the life I always wanted for myself. What would that look like zib in particular? Do you have any upcoming plans?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 26, 2016 8:25:18 GMT -5
I really didnt have some vision of what my life would look like. I mean, i really just went forward pursuing the things that interested me and went from there. I figured life would take me on the path that was best for me. I had vague notions of getting married and having kids and a home and career but not really any specifics like "Oh i want to live in this town, with this job , with this many kids type thing."
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 26, 2016 8:29:20 GMT -5
Well, in the next month I need to get my personal belongings only out of my former place of residence. I get to move and try to make a new beginning. I have a lease on a quiet place for a year . By then I hope to start making a new life for myself. Realizing once again that I've been a fool has definitely made me a harder person. I dont intend to ever be used again.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Feb 26, 2016 8:54:59 GMT -5
Greg, yes. Figuring out next set of goals, but don't know what they are yet. They'll be nonfinsncial I know what my next set of goals are, but I have no idea how to accomplish them. I'm sure I should spend most of my time and money helping other people, but I'm not much of a people person, so I really don't know where to begin. Since DH and I retired, we have both done a lot of volunteer work. The main thing I have learned is that I am a "selfish" volunteer. Initially, I jumped into several volunteer opportunities and approached them like I would my career -- turns out organizations LOVE volunteers like this, and it was easy (for me) to over-volunteer. I realized I was dreading, instead of looking forward to some of the volunteer responsibilities. I had somehow managed to ruin my early retirement.
So, now I am much more careful about what I agree to do, and have gotten very good at saying a very firm "no" when I am asked to take on increased responsibilities.
So now I'm off to the library to do volunteer tax prep, and DH will be meeting with someone at a Veteran's Home today -- we are both looking forward to the day, and will both be home before our youngest gets off the bus . . .
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Feb 26, 2016 9:29:29 GMT -5
I know what my next set of goals are, but I have no idea how to accomplish them. I'm sure I should spend most of my time and money helping other people, but I'm not much of a people person, so I really don't know where to begin. Since DH and I retired, we have both done a lot of volunteer work. The main thing I have learned is that I am a "selfish" volunteer. Initially, I jumped into several volunteer opportunities and approached them like I would my career -- turns out organizations LOVE volunteers like this, and it was easy (for me) to over-volunteer. I realized I was dreading, instead of looking forward to some of the volunteer responsibilities. I had somehow managed to ruin my early retirement.
So, now I am much more careful about what I agree to do, and have gotten very good at saying a very firm "no" when I am asked to take on increased responsibilities.
So now I'm off to the library to do volunteer tax prep, and DH will be meeting with someone at a Veteran's Home today -- we are both looking forward to the day, and will both be home before our youngest gets off the bus . . .
Thank you! Your response helps a lot. Keep up the good work.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2016 10:28:11 GMT -5
I think my life is perfect now and I feel very guilty about it....So......I am going to try to feel less guilty about it! I think the message was how did you get there?
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2016 10:33:30 GMT -5
GOD! Please, help me to be able to write 'I am financially stable' and be that the truth!!!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 26, 2016 12:22:12 GMT -5
I guess I never answered the "How did I get here" part. We start with luck. I was not born at the bottom of the ladder - white, middle class, parents who valued education (for both son and daughter), above average intelligence, and a willingness to struggle/work hard (also called a work ethic - and no, this is not completely taught by parents because my brother didn't develop a good work ethic until he was almost 30, whereas I developed it while still in grade school). I was also lucky in that I made most of my (really) bad choices pretty young, and did not end up with the worst possible consequences. Other places where luck came into play - I used to walk over a mile, mostly through and unlit park, late at night, by myself. I was never attacked in any way. I have never been mugged or robbed or had my house broken into... Truly, the worst parts of my childhood/young adult life were the divorce of my parents, the death of a grandfather, and the death of pets. And yeah, that's an awful lot of luck, and I acknowledge that. Add to the luck - when my MIL passed, we inherited. Not a lot, but enough to pay off my graduate student loans, and then when we sold her condo this last year, enough to put a down payment on a new home without selling our old one. The total amount of the inheritance comes out to less than $100k between life insurance and property sale, but as we've seen from the "$ to fix your life" thread, spent well, it does not take a whole lot to make a huge impact.
I have supplemented the luck with hard work and good choices. I have not always worked hard (I lost my 4 year, full ride scholarship after 2 years, and it took me 6 years to get my BA, but I did get it), but as I have gotten older, I have been more willing to work hard for what I want. I made a good choice in who I married. Some of that was waiting until our late 20s to get married, but some of that remains luck. Between the two of us, we make mostly good financial decisions. Again, that was not always true, but when things were truly dicey, we were both smart enough to understand what we needed to do and had the ability to do it, to get our finances in good shape. And then we have not let ourselves fall back into bad financial habits.
Currently, my ability to do my job the way it needs to be done is because my husband is a stay at home parent. I could not be as ambitious in my career if I did not have that back up. As I tell him, he makes my life possible.
So yeah, I've gotten where I am through some hard work and good choices, but also through a lot of luck. When you do not start at the bottom, the journey to the top is a lot shorter.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 26, 2016 12:38:02 GMT -5
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Feb 26, 2016 13:14:37 GMT -5
I don't think I ever really had a plan, aside from living in the city and writing for a magazine. Working in the city editing licensing examinations is kind of close. Lol. Definitely more stable.
I love how my life ended up. I've made good decisions, I've made questionable choices, I've had simple dumb luck, I had way too much fun in my 20s, I've gotten more serious in my 30s, and I enjoyed every step of the way.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 26, 2016 14:41:45 GMT -5
Well, in the next month I need to get my personal belongings only out of my former place of residence. I get to move and try to make a new beginning. I have a lease on a quiet place for a year . By then I hope to start making a new life for myself. Realizing once again that I've been a fool has definitely made me a harder person. I dont intend to ever be used again. You aren't a "fool". We are all human beings and a work in progress. It's part of our journey of who we are.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 26, 2016 14:42:34 GMT -5
Fool me once...
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 26, 2016 14:43:26 GMT -5
I only got to the point I'm at because I made so many mistakes, there was only one more option left to me - the right way.
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