chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Feb 23, 2016 17:39:35 GMT -5
Sure, there are a few things I would change if I had a re-do, but I would also worry that any changes I might make might cause a ripple effect that would cost me the people I value the most in my life. I've been going with the flow for the past twenty years because I had little ones depending upon me for their very survival (who's bright idea was that??!!, LOL). As they head off to college, I'm now beginning to see a lot of possibility ahead of me for the next 15-20 years and I am trying to set myself up to define what that is. I might just do something newsworthy yet to make you all gasp in surprise and delight before I leave this rock!!! so very much this. there are things that I wish I could have done differently when I was younger, but in all honesty, those things and how they evolved have made me the cynical bitch I am today. to answer the OP, yes and no. I had always dreamed about living at the beach, in fact IN the neighborhood where I currently do live, but I thought that was still at least a decade away - especially as I continue my life as a single woman. my neighborhood is pricey, and I caught a flip at the right time. I don't want to say that my life has gone off track, but I don't think I saw myself single at 37. I definitely never wanted to have kids, but I guess I thought I'd find my partner in crime by now. it doesn't really bother me much, as I have plenty of friends and loved ones to occupy my time. if that happens, it happens. I think the last 18 months, once things really started changing for me when I was finally able to sell the condo, the changes just kept coming in rapid-fire succession. since October 2014, I have (in order) sold a condo, adopted a puppy, bought a house, financed a new car, took in a roommate after living alone for 10yrs, changed jobs, adopted a rescue pup, survived a layoff and most recently - survived a near-two week FDA audit from hell. can the dust settle now, puhleeze?? "Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." -Harvey Mackay
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Feb 23, 2016 17:40:59 GMT -5
I know you're right. You are absolutely right. I have realized I will be 43 next month and I need to change. One question though, do I really need to be sober to do it? not in a million years would I have guessed that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 18:04:06 GMT -5
I know you're right. You are absolutely right. I have realized I will be 43 next month and I need to change. One question though, do I really need to be sober to do it? not in a million years would I have guessed that. That good or bad?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 18:06:31 GMT -5
Because they can drain and suck the life out of you. I told my aunt, as bad as it sounds, that I will never remarry again bcuz if some guy tries to turn me into a nurse again, I'm gone. I don't care what people think about me anymore. A guy would have bailed on me in a NYM if he'd have had to deal with the last few years of my life.
FWIW, I get what you are saying. I married DH when we were both young and healthy and full of life - and potentially a long future ahead. 32 years later we have built a solid, satisfying life that includes a LOT of shared history and emotional and financial interdependency. Because of this, if he (or I) were to become terribly ill now or in the future, I know that neither one of us would bail out. I know this because about 10 years ago we each experienced different health crises that had the potential to take each of us down/leave us permanently disabled, and neither of us left. It was at least partially due to mutual support that we were both able to recover.
But if I ever had to start over with someone else (Please God, no ) I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be invested at all in the same way. I'm willing to nurse DH to his dying day because of who he is and because of who WE are, but someone else? Yeah - not likely. And I don't feel guilty or selfish for saying that out loud, either!
I hear you. Once he's gone, so am I. I'm selling everything we owned and moving. He already knows this. Any future romantic entanglements are going to be short-term boy toys. No LTRs for me.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 23, 2016 18:06:39 GMT -5
I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan
That's probably not going to help with getting him to live. It would net you a nice insurance check though. And a murder conviction. Three hots and a cot. What's wrong with that? It's guaranteed room and board for the rest of your life.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Feb 23, 2016 18:06:45 GMT -5
good! I'm younger than that, and I thought you were my age. work it, girl!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 18:08:59 GMT -5
Yeah but he'd want to know why I'm making him get into the car and it takes longer to get him out of the house and into the car that it's not worth it sometimes. It's like Ralphie's brother in "Christmas Story" where he's all geared up in his snowsuit then he has to go to the bathroom. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! ARGH!! I though about the murder conviction but eh, not really worth the aggravation of listening to his family for the rest of my life. Too many of them. Meh. Lie to him. Tell him you're going out to another meet-up. Just don't tell him it's in (insert name of place you'd rather live). He seems like he has a good sense of humor -- he'd quit being mad after a month or two. You take him then. He can hold a grudge like no other 5 year old I have ever met.
I think he might start to notice something is up if I start selling all his crap and packing the house up for a move out of state. He's oblivious but not dead yet.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 23, 2016 19:25:02 GMT -5
My life is nothing like I imagined it to be when I was 18 or when I graduated from college. I imagined the house with the white picket fence and two kids etc., but I also wanted a career.
I had the career, never had a marriage and got used by one man.
Biggest mistake I made was leaving Colorado to move back to Iowa to help care for my parents. For some reason, I thought doing that would mean I would spend time with my sister and her family. Except when she feels it is a requirement, I don't see her.
I am much lonelier here than I ever was in Colorado.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Feb 23, 2016 19:49:48 GMT -5
I wonder if the people who get bashed here so often for being on welfare or making poor choices are living the lives they wanted. Probably, but if not, they are for the most part reaping the rewards of the seeds they've sewn.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Feb 23, 2016 19:53:04 GMT -5
In some respects, yes. I've accomplished my career goals sooner than I ever thought I would. I've been fortunate to have a good career, and can comfortably support myself and have disposable income. I also have my health, which is quite valuable.
But, socially, things haven't gone according to plan. I have few friends, and no significant other. It's something I think about frequently.
As for turning it around, I think I need to re examine it all from the ground up, and apply the same things that made me successful at my career to my social life. It's just something I'm going to have to work a lot harder at, almost make it a part time job.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 20:00:45 GMT -5
I wonder if the people who get bashed here so often for being on welfare or making poor choices are living the lives they wanted. Probably, but if not, they are for the most part reaping the rewards of the seeds they've sewn. You really think that is who planted the seeds? Why do some problems seem generational? I would like for my life to have been different. I think it is not because of my childhood. You start life from a point, and some people spend the first 15 years getting put in a terrible starting place. I realize at some point people are responsible for their own lives, but I feel sympathy for those who have come up short for what they could have accomplished, because of where they started.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 23, 2016 20:04:52 GMT -5
Probably, but if not, they are for the most part reaping the rewards of the seeds they've sewn. You really think that is who planted the seeds? Why do some problems seem generational? I would like for my life to have been different. I think it is not because of my childhood. You start life from a point, and some people spend the first 15 years getting put in a terrible starting place. I realize at some point people are responsible for their own lives, but I feel sympathy for those who have come up short for what they could have accomplished, because of where they started. I call bullshit on that excuse. I was raised by an alcoholic in government housing. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and made a better life for myself. No one gets a pass in my book.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Feb 23, 2016 20:05:37 GMT -5
Probably, but if not, they are for the most part reaping the rewards of the seeds they've sewn. You really think that is who planted the seeds? Why do some problems seem generational? I would like for my life to have been different. I think it is not because of my childhood. You start life from a point, and some people spend the first 15 years getting put in a terrible starting place. I realize at some point people are responsible for their own lives, but I feel sympathy for those who have come up short for what they could have accomplished, because of where they started. I feel sorry for people who are abused. I feel sorry for people who have health or mental issues that make having a normal life challenging. I feel sorry for people who've recently lost a loved one. Short of that, I don't have a lot of pity for most folks. I wasn't born into royalty, yet somehow I've managed to do o.k. I fail to see why others can't.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 20:18:38 GMT -5
I have a nice life. I am more blessed then I ever deserved. That said, when I left home at 18, I was very immature. I had all kinds of mental problems. In my mid-teens, I still wasn't sure that my dad could not read my thoughts. He spent all my childhood playing mind games on his children. Ms Tequila had a bad childhood, it seems, and responded through toughness and determination. I responded by by depression and insecurity.
You have two sons, treat one like shit and one like you do now. I think you know it will make a lasting difference on the one you treat like shit.
I have a wonderful life now, but it took years to get there. I dont know that I believe in God, but I know there was some kind of Grace that gave me more then I should have.
I look at my dad and what he did to his children. I can't believe that he wanted to be the person he was and to have caused the pain he did. i feel sympathy for people who fall so short of what they could have been.
I do agree that people need to take responsibility for their choices.
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Feb 23, 2016 20:24:46 GMT -5
Yay, must better than expected. Much more than I would I ever expected since middle school . Very fortunate in middle life.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Feb 23, 2016 22:10:47 GMT -5
No this isn't the life I wanted, but I like the life I have.
I wanted to have a great career, get married, and have children. My career is okay, most of the time I like what I do, but like movingon I primarily do it for the pay check. I do envy those who have a passion and would do it for free, but manage to get paid for it. I didn't get married, but I'm not yet 40 so it might happen, and I can't have children.
However, most of my family loves and supports me. I have a decent paying job that allows me comfortably support myself. I have great friends, and I'm seeing a guy I'm crazy about. So while it's not the life I wanted, I'm pretty damn lucky because it's a good life far better than many people get.
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moneyminded
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Post by moneyminded on Feb 23, 2016 22:43:32 GMT -5
Wow! Thank you ALL for responding! I've posted a few times and have been lurking since the old MSN days, so I feel as if I've gotten to know you all pretty well and appreciate the feedback. I have been mulling this topic over for a long time. I am very fortunate that I am in a career that I am passionate about, but the stress can be off-the-charts, and sometimes daily. I enjoy what I do, am thankful that I have the opportunity to do so, but sheesh! I am really longing for a simple life. I feel like I kept my eye on the prize for so long that I lost my way as to what I deep down want my life to look like. I want to move away and start life over (this city is getting worse and worse in many ways). Meet new people, have big family gatherings, play more, DIY remodel an old home, work part-time (gasp!), and enjoy life at a slower pace. My headstone will not say I was "fabulous at my job". So why do we work so very hard when we are supposed to work to live and not live to work? P.S. I want to live in Mayberry...
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Feb 24, 2016 0:03:31 GMT -5
I wonder if the people who get bashed here so often for being on welfare or making poor choices are living the lives they wanted. Probably not the lives they wanted. But probably the life they planned and prepared (or made no plans and preparations) for. As the old saying goes, "wishing does not make it so." Some action on the part of the wisher dramatically increases the chance of achieving the desired outcome.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Feb 24, 2016 7:57:21 GMT -5
It's not what I had in mind when I graduated with my bachelor's degree. That was 22 year old me. At this point I'm okay with this version of different. I had a few years where I thought I made a huge mistake. It's turned around drastically since then. Things could be much worse.
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mroped
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Post by mroped on Feb 24, 2016 8:29:58 GMT -5
I call bullshit on that excuse. I was raised by an alcoholic in government housing. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and made a better life for myself. No one gets a pass in my book. Unless you were born with a physical or mental disability or been kept in a dungeon tied up, once you become an adult, you become responsible of your own future, of your own life. All you need is WANT to do better, get better, be better! Complacency is not an excuse for poverty or a miserable life. Not all that have a miserable life are poor or viceversa. From a financial stand point one can be happy with litle or a lot. It's all relative! When it comes to relationships that's when it gets complicated. Liking someone, falling in love, have a happy family and possibly some kids are all good until misfortune strikes. The hardest part for me would be someone that I love getting sick. That is out of my control. Money, I can make tomorrow or next week for whatever needs and wants we have but making them healthy again I can't. And if that were to happen I'm not sure how I would handle it. I am generally speaking a happy person, nothing puts me down. Can't stay mad for more than 30 seconds but when I see sick or suffering people is like something breaks inside me and I can't speak or act normaly. For now the best I can do is hope that I don't have to go thru something like that with any of mine because of what I might do to help them.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Feb 24, 2016 11:41:28 GMT -5
I am getting old. I mean, actually getting old. I never thought that would happen to me. Logically I know this doesn't make sense, but I truly believed that I would be the one guy that would stay young forever. Now I am losing my hair, circles under my eyes are getting darker every day, my insides don't even stay on the inside anymore, and if I even look at a bourbon barrel aged imperial stout my belly gets even jigglier than it is. This is not how I imagined my life.
But other than that, I think I do have the life I wanted. Got a great wife and kids and don't live on the street. What else can a guy ask for?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 12:08:24 GMT -5
I am getting old. I mean, actually getting old. I never thought that would happen to me. Logically I know this doesn't make sense, but I truly believed that I would be the one guy that would stay young forever. Now I am losing my hair, circles under my eyes are getting darker every day, my insides don't even stay on the inside anymore, and if I even look at a bourbon barrel aged imperial stout my belly gets even jigglier than it is. This is not how I imagined my life. But other than that, I think I do have the life I wanted. Got a great wife and kids and don't live on the street. What else can a guy ask for? I hate to tell you this, but 10 years from now you're going to look back and think how YOUNG you were. How great of shape you were in, how much hair you had... Enjoy now.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 24, 2016 12:20:33 GMT -5
At 18 I planned on being a single career women with no husband or children. Then I met my husband while in college and started thinking maybe the Sex & the City life wasn't what I really wanted. that was totally me. I thought I'd adopt one or get a sperm donor for one, hire live-in help, have boyfriends but no DH, and live an awesome life. HA! I don't regret the choices I've made so far, but I think it's funny that what I wanted at age 18 was really what I want for my life now (with a few tweaks ). Every year around Christmas/New Years I'd get into this funk about my life and what I wish I'd done/hadn't done. Last year was the first year that I didn't have that. Despite going down to one income and doing everything by myself, I realize how fortunate that I am and I'm very optimistic about the future.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Feb 24, 2016 12:22:00 GMT -5
I am getting old. I mean, actually getting old. I never thought that would happen to me. Logically I know this doesn't make sense, but I truly believed that I would be the one guy that would stay young forever. Now I am losing my hair, circles under my eyes are getting darker every day, my insides don't even stay on the inside anymore, and if I even look at a bourbon barrel aged imperial stout my belly gets even jigglier than it is. This is not how I imagined my life. But other than that, I think I do have the life I wanted. Got a great wife and kids and don't live on the street. What else can a guy ask for? I hate to tell you this, but 10 years from now you're going to look back and think how YOUNG you were. How great of shape you were in, how much hair you had... Enjoy now. Nah, that's not going to happen to me.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Feb 24, 2016 12:40:50 GMT -5
Unless you were born with a physical or mental disability or been kept in a dungeon tied up, once you become an adult, you become responsible of your own future, of your own life. All you need is WANT to do better, get better, be better!
I don't know, I kind of have mixed feelings on this. In our family there were four kids. Mom had some MH issues of her own, and she took most of her anger out on the oldest girl, while the youngest daughter became the golden child who couldn't do anything wrong. (I was a middle kid)
Mom was verbally and physically abuse to the oldest - I'm talking beatings with hangers and kicking her down a flight of stairs. Refused to give her money for school supplies or clothes and fought with her on almost a daily basis because she wanted a size 6 cheerleader daughter instead of a size 18 artist daughter.
My oldest sister didn't leave home, she fled. She moved halfway across the country and cut off all ties with her family for about 10 years because she was convinced Mom hated her and had turned all the other family members against her. Gradually, I resumed talking to her, but I was the only one in the family that made the effort.
My sister never got over being the family goat. Whenever I talked to her, she wanted to complain about mom and about the golden child, about things that happened 30 years before. I tried to urge her to move forward and forget all that, but she didn't seem to be able to. She had a college degree but got a job she was overqualified for, worked enough to not get fired but never got promoted, quit work at 50 and got on disability, married an ex-alcoholic/bi polar guy who was also on disability, and ended up dying at 60, her home so horded with junk and cats we had to use respirators and trailers to haul the junk away.
I've often wondered what my sister's life would have like if she had a normal mom who encouraged her and pushed her to be the best she could be, rather than beating her down and telling her constantly what a failure and a loser she was. I have to think she would have been more like me and the other middle child, who both went on to be successful with careers, married decent guys, had a comfortable lifestyle. Was it her fault she couldn't shake off her crappy childhood and carried that resentment, anger, and sense of poor self worth throughout her life?
I feel the same about people who were sexually abused as kids, or rotated through crappy foster homes. I think it's kind of a miracle when those people overcome such a bad beginning and are successful. But I don't know that it's right to blame those who get stuck in a bad place and can't move on.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Feb 24, 2016 13:08:09 GMT -5
Unless you were born with a physical or mental disability or been kept in a dungeon tied up, once you become an adult, you become responsible of your own future, of your own life. All you need is WANT to do better, get better, be better!
I don't know, I kind of have mixed feelings on this. In our family there were four kids. Mom had some MH issues of her own, and she took most of her anger out on the oldest girl, while the youngest daughter became the golden child who couldn't do anything wrong. (I was a middle kid)
Mom was verbally and physically abuse to the oldest - I'm talking beatings with hangers and kicking her down a flight of stairs. Refused to give her money for school supplies or clothes and fought with her on almost a daily basis because she wanted a size 6 cheerleader daughter instead of a size 18 artist daughter.
My oldest sister didn't leave home, she fled. She moved halfway across the country and cut off all ties with her family for about 10 years because she was convinced Mom hated her and had turned all the other family members against her. Gradually, I resumed talking to her, but I was the only one in the family that made the effort.
My sister never got over being the family goat. Whenever I talked to her, she wanted to complain about mom and about the golden child, about things that happened 30 years before. I tried to urge her to move forward and forget all that, but she didn't seem to be able to. She had a college degree but got a job she was overqualified for, worked enough to not get fired but never got promoted, quit work at 50 and got on disability, married an ex-alcoholic/bi polar guy who was also on disability, and ended up dying at 60, her home so horded with junk and cats we had to use respirators and trailers to haul the junk away.
I've often wondered what my sister's life would have like if she had a normal mom who encouraged her and pushed her to be the best she could be, rather than beating her down and telling her constantly what a failure and a loser she was. I have to think she would have been more like me and the other middle child, who both went on to be successful with careers, married decent guys, had a comfortable lifestyle. Was it her fault she couldn't shake off her crappy childhood and carried that resentment, anger, and sense of poor self worth throughout her life?
I feel the same about people who were sexually abused as kids, or rotated through crappy foster homes. I think it's kind of a miracle when those people overcome such a bad beginning and are successful. But I don't know that it's right to blame those who get stuck in a bad place and can't move on.
I go back and forth of this type of situation, but in general, once someone becomes an adult they have control over the direction of their life. Sometimes the choices to change your life are insanely difficult, but they aren't impossible. I have a second cousin who most of the family make excuses for as he had a tough childhood (his dad was an alcoholic abusive ass). It sucks to have a childhood like that. I get that it scares you in many ways for the rest of your life, but a tough childhood does not give you an excuse to be an entitled douche when you are 70. At some point you have to take responsibility for you life and either choose to wallow or choose to fix it.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 24, 2016 13:09:13 GMT -5
I know you're right. You are absolutely right. I have realized I will be 43 next month and I need to change. One question though, do I really need to be sober to do it? It's just a little harder for me to lose the guilt because he has mobility problems so I feel like I need to make him move. Also I work 7PM to 3AM so finding friends when I'm usually sleeping is a little hard. I do need to call on his family about coming over or doing something with him. There's about 12 of them who would take him out. He just doesn't like to ask. Why do men never want to ask?!?!?!!?! Because they can drain and suck the life out of you. I told my aunt, as bad as it sounds, that I will never remarry again bcuz if some guy tries to turn me into a nurse again, I'm gone. I don't care what people think about me anymore. A guy would have bailed on me in a NYM if he'd have had to deal with the last few years of my life. Zib, I really think you are selling yourself short. You are worth that to someone. There are Men who lovingly care for their spouses who have breast cancer, Alzheimer's etc too. My Mom cared for my Dad for many years refusing to put him in a skilled nursing facility. I think she is glad that part of her life is done, but she is not bitter about it. Would my Dad have done the same for her? You bet he would have. I urge you to seek some mental health treatment if you have not already done so. You deserve to feel good about life again.
Empress Punkles, I think it may be difficult for you because of the shift you work, but try to build some "Me" time into your weekly schedule. My Mom had Thursday AM set up for a stained glass class. She also had a weekday am bible study class, and more friends than you can shake a stick at to take her out to lunch here and there. She also was invited to join a card club of ladies from her church who met once a month to play cards and socialize. She had know the ladies for 25 or more years, the one thing they all shared in addition to their faith, was caretaking for loved ones though serious illness (MS, Brain Cancer, Diabetes and ALS), just make sure that if you are invited to participate in things like this that you don't refuse and when and if you do decide to carve out respite time, if you need other family members to make it happen that you call on them to do so. Mom worked really hard to set up caregivers to give her that respite, and before he was eligible for caregivers paid by Medicare, she often had one of her children stop by with "lunch or dinner" for Dad so that he wasn't home alone for long stretches of time.
PS. Mom had a really hard time making those caregivers adhere to a schedule that allowed a consistent day off for her, but she was able to shift things around so they came in once a week to help Mom give Dad a shower - something that was much easier to accomplish with help. Sometimes you just have to be open to the possibilities.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 24, 2016 15:36:18 GMT -5
I am getting old. I mean, actually getting old. I never thought that would happen to me. Logically I know this doesn't make sense, but I truly believed that I would be the one guy that would stay young forever. Now I am losing my hair, circles under my eyes are getting darker every day, my insides don't even stay on the inside anymore, and if I even look at a bourbon barrel aged imperial stout my belly gets even jigglier than it is. This is not how I imagined my life. But other than that, I think I do have the life I wanted. Got a great wife and kids and don't live on the street. What else can a guy ask for? I hate to tell you this, but 10 years from now you're going to look back and think how YOUNG you were. How great of shape you were in, how much hair you had... Enjoy now. and it is what I keep telling myself even though I'll be old enough for Medicare come October; besides --- it peats the alternative by a mile provided you are not too enarmored by looking at the roots of Daisies above your head
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zibazinski
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Posts: 47,910
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 24, 2016 16:28:30 GMT -5
I intend to make the life I always wanted for myself.
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 24, 2016 17:04:30 GMT -5
I don't know. The life\dreams I've had have changed over time. So I'm not sure what I want out of life anymore. What I do know is that I'm not especially happy with a lot of aspects of my life.
I'm sort of working on that.
I was told in my 20s that I couldn't have kids. Now I have two kids.
I thought I'd be working on my Archeology degree by now, but I'm trying to figure out how to cram a Bachelor's into my life.
I think I assumed thete would be more travel and more money in my life by now too.
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