shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 23, 2016 12:57:13 GMT -5
Do I have the life I wanted? Which life? When I was 10, the plan was to be a large animal veterinarian and was going to co-own a stables with my BFF, who was going to be the trainer. - No, don't have that life. When I was 20, the plan was to become a high school math teacher, get a job working on an overseas US military base, marry an officer and then stop working when we had kids. - No, don't have that life. When I was 25, the first plan was grad school for Museum Studies and become a museum curator. The 2nd plan was to join the Peace Corps, serve in Eastern Europe and come back and work for an NHL team. - No, don't have either of those lives. When I was 30, I decided to get my MBA, for purposes of career advancement, but I no longer had a concrete job plan in mind. - I did get my MBA. When I was 35, I decided I wanted to adopt a child. - I did adopt a child. Now, I am 40, and I have stopped creating plans for my life.
Is this the life I dreamed about as a kid? No. But why would I want the life a 10 year old thought she wanted? Or even a 20 year old? I have a good life. I have a husband I love, an amazing kid. I have a job I like that presents me with challenges and gives me opportunities for growth. I still set goals, but concrete plans? No. I'll take what life throws at me and move on from there.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Feb 23, 2016 13:14:52 GMT -5
Except for being divorced, it's pretty close to the life I thought I would have. I'm in my fifties, and don't have to work full-time. I'm in the house I always knew I would be. I've got enough money to take care of my admittedly not-very-substantial wants, and I should be in pretty good shape going forward.
Two things I did realize: 1. I'm still not (and likely never will be) a spender. I never thought spending money would be that hard. 2. I spend even less without someone to enjoy it with. I get very little pleasure out of doing things just for me.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 23, 2016 13:18:33 GMT -5
Absolutely not. Twenty years ago I was very happy. I had it all. After that I was lied to and betrayed by two men. I will never be that stupid again. My mom always said there were two kinds of people. Users and those that get used. I've been on the getting used end. I don't like it zib, why are you giving such power to men? I was screwed over by my ex, too. But I allowed myself a few days to plot his death (in my mind...he isn't worth prison!lol) and moved on. You can still "have it all". You are a smart woman who is more than capable of supporting yourself. Sure, when I divorced my retirement assets were essentially cut in half but that's only money..I have no doubt I will make that up and then some.
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quince
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Post by quince on Feb 23, 2016 13:20:40 GMT -5
All I wanted was to be able to support myself at a modest standard of living, and quietly spool out my time until I died. Really, really low expectations. I was independent right out of college. Victory! All my goals met. Shitty relationship, but I didn't expect much from guys and wasn't going to marry and have kids anyway. (Because I didn't expect much from guys.) Somewhere along the way I met my husband. Now I have an actual partner who treats me well all the time. He also happens to make a reasonable amount of money, not actually care about money, and is reasonable and responsible with money as well. I'm a SAHM and THAT was never on my radar. We have a high standard of living and few worries about finances- also a situation that was never on my radar. We have a wonderful child, another on the way, and having children did not rattle our relationship in the least. Things have gotten better over the years. I would never have thought to seriously want this for my life- it falls in the realm of winning the lottery, and I don't play the lottery. It could all go belly up, but whatever happens, it has been wonderful. I planned out my life, went to college, did well enough, got a job and worked hard. Then I met someone. Who I was when I met him made a difference, I'm sure, but it was mostly dumb luck in the end.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 23, 2016 13:21:18 GMT -5
Except for being divorced, it's pretty close to the life I thought I would have. I'm in my fifties, and don't have to work full-time. I'm in the house I always knew I would be. I've got enough money to take care of my admittedly not-very-substantial wants, and I should be in pretty good shape going forward.
Two things I did realize: 1. I'm still not (and likely never will be) a spender. I never thought spending money would be that hard. 2. I spend even less without someone to enjoy it with. I get very little pleasure out of doing things just for me. That is so me!
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Feb 23, 2016 13:43:19 GMT -5
My life is better in every respect than I ever could have imagined.
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Feb 23, 2016 14:09:48 GMT -5
There are things that I've wanted in my life that I haven't (and won't) get. I'm okay with that. Very blessed. Three children who turned out to be great adults, a still smokin' hot wife after nearly 29 years of marriage and a bunch of friends both in real life and here on YM. Who could ask for more?
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Feb 23, 2016 14:15:07 GMT -5
I think my life is perfect now and I feel very guilty about it....So......I am going to try to feel less guilty about it! This! except I don't feel guilty about it. How I got here? Beats the hell out of me. The only thing I know to do is to do the best you can in whatever you do. Do the right things for all concerned. Take care of your loved ones, pets, self, stuff, do what you are paid to do if you work and be honest, pay your bills on time and have good credit, be responsible to things, people, money, and the environment. I feel you get in return what you put out. Although I don't always question gifts like the ones I've received I try very hard to appreciate them, respect them and do the best I can to show I am worthy. I'm pretty sure I'm failing a bit in that aspect but I keep trying! My mom was always amazed at how my life turned out because she felt she did everything wrong. She was always amazed at my strength and strong mind and how I never let anybody push me around or steer me wrong, especially men, even at a young age. She said I must have learned from her what not to do. LOL!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 23, 2016 14:17:49 GMT -5
Absolutely not. Twenty years ago I was very happy. I had it all. After that I was lied to and betrayed by two men. I will never be that stupid again. My mom always said there were two kinds of people. Users and those that get used. I've been on the getting used end. I don't like it zib, why are you giving such power to men? I was screwed over by my ex, too. But I allowed myself a few days to plot his death (in my mind...he isn't worth prison!lol) and moved on. You can still "have it all". You are a smart woman who is more than capable of supporting yourself. Sure, when I divorced my retirement assets were essentially cut in half but that's only money..I have no doubt I will make that up and then some.
I won't ever again, that's for sure.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 23, 2016 14:25:09 GMT -5
'Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.'
Allen Saunders, 1957
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Feb 23, 2016 14:28:14 GMT -5
I didn't really end up with the life I thought I wanted, but I sure wouldn't change anything about it...
I did undergo a major change from being a highly motivated, self-induced over achiever and overly stressed out perfectionist to now an amazingly laid back individual. I'm sure many would consider my life boring, but it is a perfect fit for me. Probably because I AM boring!
I like the me now, and my family has adjusted. My dad keeps thinking I will surely get "restless" and build my "second career", and my sister has thanked me for "no longer making her look bad." Hah.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Feb 23, 2016 15:38:43 GMT -5
When I was younger, I thought my life was going to be pretty much like my parents....house in suburbs, wife, kids, and working in an office-type job. In hindsight, I'm actually kind of shocked that my life turned out as well as it did on the financial side. I was a big slacker and my parents must've had their hands full with my other siblings because they did not hassle me that much. I skated through school doing the bare minimum, pretty much the same through HS, and it wasn't until college when I started putting a bit of work in to basically keep a b-average.
My life is great now though. I'm way better off financially thanks to a business I started, I have a great job, my wife has a great job, we live in the area we want, and we have 3 great kids.
I'm just waiting for a refrigerator to fall on me on my way outta work today.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Feb 23, 2016 15:39:03 GMT -5
And if not, what are you going to do about it? 2) Those of you that have the life you wanted, what did you do to get there? 3) Did you do a complete turn-around and how did your family/friends respond? Yup. Been what I wanted. Got there by making good decisions more often than poor ones. Decided to get an education. In a field with steady employment and good compensation. And I worked my way through school, rather than taking out tens of thousands of student loans. Worked hard. 60, 70, 80, and 90 hour work weeks were the rule rather than the exception. Demonstrated creative problem solving that generated over $30 million in cost savings and process improvements. Selected employers that provided opportunities and job stability. Pursued promotions and the pay increases that came with them. Married well. Chose a spouse that has similar values, education, and career. Dumped the girlfriend who was spending all of her pay check, a good chunk of my pay check, and everything her folks would give her. Generally managed financial resources effectively. Saved from a fairly young age. Usually limited spending. Never spent everything I made or used all the credit I had available. Only ever paid finance charges on a credit card twice in my life. Took the time to learn about personal finance and investing.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Feb 23, 2016 15:51:10 GMT -5
Bet the wife was glad you dumped the girlfriend also.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Feb 23, 2016 16:22:11 GMT -5
I grew up seeing two lifestyles- my mom had full custody and we were very poor and very dysfunctional. She got very sick and died, and we went to live with our Dad at 13. My dad had an upper-middle class lifestyle where I got to learn and see what a structured, non-dysfunctional life was like. As an adult, I have steered us into the same quality of life out of fear of ending up like my mother. I feel very fortunate. I have a great partner, 2 beautiful kids with a third on the way and a beautiful home in one of the best communities. Our careers have been good to us and we can be financially independent within the next 5 years. I don't know if we'll choose to, but the choice should be there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 16:40:41 GMT -5
Yeah, no. Not even remotely resembling anything I want. I'm working on staying awake for longer than 2 hours during the day so I can do some online classes/skill refreshing and get the hell out of my job. I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan, don't know how to do that. I do love my house and my kitties although I do wish they would stop sitting there staring at me. It's not feeding time yet!!! I have to wait for DH to die in order to get the life I really want because he refuses to move out of Massachusetts and I really have no interest in spending eternity here. There's time enough for that when I'm dead in Hell bitching at my mother. Any ideas how to partially get the life one wants without feeling guilty about leaving behind the lump who decided to drop out of the human race? I mean the enjoy life part, not the moving part since as said, won't happen until he dies. He refuses to go out unless I drive him.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 23, 2016 16:41:21 GMT -5
As I transition from being a SAHM to whatever is next in my life, I have given these questions a great deal of thought lately. I, too, consider myself so overwhelmingly blessed that I am almost afraid to jinx my life by questioning too deeply. If I had a plan, it was very general -- I was going to do it "all" -- go to college, find a career path, be successful in my career, get married or maybe not, have kids or maybe not, live " the good life", whatever that is. I was almost entirely career-focused until YDS was born. And, then, my life went down a road I would never have chosen for myself but that has still been wonderful -- just in very different ways. I learned then to embrace those quotes that PPs have posted " Man plans, God laughs" and "Life is what happens when you are making other plans". There has been a mix of both profound joy and deep loss and everything in between, so far. It has been an interesting ride. I'm a incorrigible glass-half-full kind of girl by nature, anyway. Sure, there are a few things I would change if I had a re-do, but I would also worry that any changes I might make might cause a ripple effect that would cost me the people I value the most in my life. I've been going with the flow for the past twenty years because I had little ones depending upon me for their very survival (who's bright idea was that??!!, LOL). As they head off to college, I'm now beginning to see a lot of possibility ahead of me for the next 15-20 years and I am trying to set myself up to define what that is. I might just do something newsworthy yet to make you all gasp in surprise and delight before I leave this rock!!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 23, 2016 16:42:08 GMT -5
I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan
That's probably not going to help with getting him to live. It would net you a nice insurance check though.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 23, 2016 16:49:21 GMT -5
Yeah, no. Not even remotely resembling anything I want. I'm working on staying awake for longer than 2 hours during the day so I can do some online classes/skill refreshing and get the hell out of my job. I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan, don't know how to do that. I do love my house and my kitties although I do wish they would stop sitting there staring at me. It's not feeding time yet!!! I have to wait for DH to die in order to get the life I really want because he refuses to move out of Massachusetts and I really have no interest in spending eternity here. There's time enough for that when I'm dead in Hell bitching at my mother. Any ideas how to partially get the life one wants without feeling guilty about leaving behind the lump who decided to drop out of the human race? I mean the enjoy life part, not the moving part since as said, won't happen until he dies. He refuses to go out unless I drive him. I saw challenges for him at the meet-up, but, wow, did not see him as checked out. I'm sorry...for both of you. (Riffing off of your description of the two of you in the meet-up email loop and NOT intended as callous as it sounds): Can't you just put him in the car and drive away? What's he going to do? Jump out and run? It might end up being the best thing ever -- for both of you -- to go some place where you both want to be.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 23, 2016 16:49:55 GMT -5
I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan
That's probably not going to help with getting him to live. It would net you a nice insurance check though. And a murder conviction.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 23, 2016 16:50:29 GMT -5
I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan
That's probably not going to help with getting him to live. It would net you a nice insurance check though. And a murder conviction. Tiny detail of no importance.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 16:54:56 GMT -5
Yeah, no. Not even remotely resembling anything I want. I'm working on staying awake for longer than 2 hours during the day so I can do some online classes/skill refreshing and get the hell out of my job. I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan, don't know how to do that. I do love my house and my kitties although I do wish they would stop sitting there staring at me. It's not feeding time yet!!! I have to wait for DH to die in order to get the life I really want because he refuses to move out of Massachusetts and I really have no interest in spending eternity here. There's time enough for that when I'm dead in Hell bitching at my mother. Any ideas how to partially get the life one wants without feeling guilty about leaving behind the lump who decided to drop out of the human race? I mean the enjoy life part, not the moving part since as said, won't happen until he dies. He refuses to go out unless I drive him. I saw challenges for him at the meet-up, but, wow, did not see him as checked out. I'm sorry...for both of you. (Riffing off of your description of the two of you in the meet-up email loop and NOT intended as callous as it sounds): Can't you just put him in the car and drive away? What's he going to do? Jump out and run? It might end up being the best thing ever -- for both of you -- to go some place where you both want to be. Yeah but he'd want to know why I'm making him get into the car and it takes longer to get him out of the house and into the car that it's not worth it sometimes. It's like Ralphie's brother in "Christmas Story" where he's all geared up in his snowsuit then he has to go to the bathroom. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! ARGH!! I though about the murder conviction but eh, not really worth the aggravation of listening to his family for the rest of my life. Too many of them.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 23, 2016 16:55:19 GMT -5
Yeah, no. Not even remotely resembling anything I want. I'm working on staying awake for longer than 2 hours during the day so I can do some online classes/skill refreshing and get the hell out of my job. I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan, don't know how to do that. I do love my house and my kitties although I do wish they would stop sitting there staring at me. It's not feeding time yet!!! I have to wait for DH to die in order to get the life I really want because he refuses to move out of Massachusetts and I really have no interest in spending eternity here. There's time enough for that when I'm dead in Hell bitching at my mother. Any ideas how to partially get the life one wants without feeling guilty about leaving behind the lump who decided to drop out of the human race? I mean the enjoy life part, not the moving part since as said, won't happen until he dies. He refuses to go out unless I drive him. The way to have the life you want without feeling guilty is to go out and have it. Just because you are married does not mean you are required to live in each other's pockets 24/7/365.
It is entirely possible to have and pursue interests your spouse doesn't like or doesn't care about without violating your marriage vows.
My DH is a computer guy, and one of the things he does is spend time on the community lecture circuit. Me? BO-RING. He goes and does it and leaves me at home (willingly, and sometimes overnight) and I don't feel abandoned or threatened. I would hurl if I had to go to electronic and tech conventions.
He hates rom-coms and spa days; I go do them alone or with a BFF or two and leave him sitting at home - and he's fine with it. I leave him for a week every year and go to a desert wellness retreat - and don't feel guilty and don't violate my marriage vows. He would scratch his eyes out if he got dragged to museums every weekend.
Your DH is CHOOSING to drop out of life. That's his choice. It doesn't have to be yours. Cultivate some girl friendships and get out there and do stuff. Or go alone. The guilt exists only between your ears.
Good luck to you.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 23, 2016 16:55:22 GMT -5
And a murder conviction. Tiny detail of no importance. We should hang out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 17:02:14 GMT -5
I wonder if the people who get bashed here so often for being on welfare or making poor choices are living the lives they wanted.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 17:05:11 GMT -5
Yeah, no. Not even remotely resembling anything I want. I'm working on staying awake for longer than 2 hours during the day so I can do some online classes/skill refreshing and get the hell out of my job. I want DH to get interested in living again but short of beating him upside the head with my cast-iron frying pan, don't know how to do that. I do love my house and my kitties although I do wish they would stop sitting there staring at me. It's not feeding time yet!!! I have to wait for DH to die in order to get the life I really want because he refuses to move out of Massachusetts and I really have no interest in spending eternity here. There's time enough for that when I'm dead in Hell bitching at my mother. Any ideas how to partially get the life one wants without feeling guilty about leaving behind the lump who decided to drop out of the human race? I mean the enjoy life part, not the moving part since as said, won't happen until he dies. He refuses to go out unless I drive him. The way to have the life you want without feeling guilty is to go out and have it. Just because you are married does not mean you are required to live in each other's pockets 24/7/365.
It is entirely possible to have and pursue interests your spouse doesn't like or doesn't care about without violating your marriage vows.
My DH is a computer guy, and one of the things he does is spend time on the community lecture circuit. Me? BO-RING. He goes and does it and leaves me at home (willingly, and sometimes overnight) and I don't feel abandoned or threatened. I would hurl if I have to go to electronic and tech conventions.
He hates rom-coms and spa days; I go do them alone or with a BFF or two and leave him sitting at home - and he's fine with it. He would scratch his eyes out if he got dragged to museums every weekend.
Your DH is CHOOSING to drop out of life. That's his choice. It doesn't have to be yours. Cultivate some girl friendships and get out there and do stuff. Or go alone. The guilt exists only between your ears.
Good luck to you.
I know you're right. You are absolutely right. I have realized I will be 43 next month and I need to change. One question though, do I really need to be sober to do it? It's just a little harder for me to lose the guilt because he has mobility problems so I feel like I need to make him move. Also I work 7PM to 3AM so finding friends when I'm usually sleeping is a little hard. I do need to call on his family about coming over or doing something with him. There's about 12 of them who would take him out. He just doesn't like to ask. Why do men never want to ask?!?!?!!?!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 17:09:43 GMT -5
That is sooooo codependent. Mobility issues don't make him incapable.
I've been thinking about this question and I'm in the category that didn't have a plan. There came a point where I knew I hate where I was at and where I was headed so at that point I made a plan. From there I have exceeded my own expectations. I still want to get ahead but I like the path I'm on.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 23, 2016 17:12:14 GMT -5
The way to have the life you want without feeling guilty is to go out and have it. Just because you are married does not mean you are required to live in each other's pockets 24/7/365.
It is entirely possible to have and pursue interests your spouse doesn't like or doesn't care about without violating your marriage vows.
My DH is a computer guy, and one of the things he does is spend time on the community lecture circuit. Me? BO-RING. He goes and does it and leaves me at home (willingly, and sometimes overnight) and I don't feel abandoned or threatened. I would hurl if I have to go to electronic and tech conventions.
He hates rom-coms and spa days; I go do them alone or with a BFF or two and leave him sitting at home - and he's fine with it. He would scratch his eyes out if he got dragged to museums every weekend.
Your DH is CHOOSING to drop out of life. That's his choice. It doesn't have to be yours. Cultivate some girl friendships and get out there and do stuff. Or go alone. The guilt exists only between your ears.
Good luck to you.
I know you're right. You are absolutely right. I have realized I will be 43 next month and I need to change. One question though, do I really need to be sober to do it? It's just a little harder for me to lose the guilt because he has mobility problems so I feel like I need to make him move. Also I work 7PM to 3AM so finding friends when I'm usually sleeping is a little hard. I do need to call on his family about coming over or doing something with him. There's about 12 of them who would take him out. He just doesn't like to ask. Why do men never want to ask?!?!?!!?! Because they can drain and suck the life out of you. I told my aunt, as bad as it sounds, that I will never remarry again bcuz if some guy tries to turn me into a nurse again, I'm gone. I don't care what people think about me anymore. A guy would have bailed on me in a NYM if he'd have had to deal with the last few years of my life.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Feb 23, 2016 17:14:35 GMT -5
I saw challenges for him at the meet-up, but, wow, did not see him as checked out. I'm sorry...for both of you. (Riffing off of your description of the two of you in the meet-up email loop and NOT intended as callous as it sounds): Can't you just put him in the car and drive away? What's he going to do? Jump out and run? It might end up being the best thing ever -- for both of you -- to go some place where you both want to be. Yeah but he'd want to know why I'm making him get into the car and it takes longer to get him out of the house and into the car that it's not worth it sometimes. It's like Ralphie's brother in "Christmas Story" where he's all geared up in his snowsuit then he has to go to the bathroom. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! ARGH!! I though about the murder conviction but eh, not really worth the aggravation of listening to his family for the rest of my life. Too many of them. Meh. Lie to him. Tell him you're going out to another meet-up. Just don't tell him it's in (insert name of place you'd rather live). He seems like he has a good sense of humor -- he'd quit being mad after a month or two.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 23, 2016 17:33:23 GMT -5
Because they can drain and suck the life out of you. I told my aunt, as bad as it sounds, that I will never remarry again bcuz if some guy tries to turn me into a nurse again, I'm gone. I don't care what people think about me anymore. A guy would have bailed on me in a NYM if he'd have had to deal with the last few years of my life.
FWIW, I get what you are saying. I married DH when we were both young and healthy and full of life - and potentially a long future ahead. 32 years later we have built a solid, satisfying life that includes a LOT of shared history and emotional and financial interdependency. Because of this, if he (or I) were to become terribly ill now or in the future, I know that neither one of us would bail out. I know this because about 10 years ago we each experienced different health crises that had the potential to take each of us down/leave us permanently disabled, and neither of us left. It was at least partially due to mutual support that we were both able to recover.
But if I ever had to start over with someone else (Please God, no ) I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be invested at all in the same way. I'm willing to nurse DH to his dying day because of who he is and because of who WE are, but someone else? Yeah - not likely. And I don't feel guilty or selfish for saying that out loud, either!
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