Why does sex stop after marriage?

[Deleted]

Jun 24, 2015 9:05:25 GMT -5 tallguy said:

Jun 23, 2015 22:18:57 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Maybe.....maybe not.....depends on the person (either man or woman).....and what they find important to them.

My DH is a VERY touchy-feely type of person.  He can't get enough of touching me.  Doesn't matter what type of touch.  I knew this marrying him.  

However - I am NOT a touchy-feely person.  I have a bubble that a person can invade if I'm feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed.  I'm a person that prefers you to SHOW me that you care by doing little things for me (filling the car with gas for me, washing the dishes because you noticed they needed done-not because I asked you to, bringing me my favorite drink because you thought I might like it, etc).  I thought DH knew this about me when we married.

Because he's into touch, and I'd prefer my personal space not be "invaded", we've had some real misunderstandings about how we show each other love.  When I'm stressed, I don't want ANYONE touching me - not even my DH.  So, for him to walk by and grab my ass or try to cop-a-feel while I'm cooking or make lascivious remarks while I am stressed is the fastest way for him to be rejected.....and rejected for the foreseeable future......until I am no longer stressed.

We're slowly getting on the same page regarding what makes the other happy.....(and we're not newly-weds - we've been married 12 years)

If you are not familiar with it, the concept of Love Languages may be helpful.  There are (according to the theory) five "languages" of how people show love or feel loved.  As I recall, they are (alphabetically):

1.  Acts of Service

2.  Gifts

3.  Physical Touch

4.  Quality Time

5.  Words of Affirmation

We all have our own ways of feeling loved, and what types of behavior we require in order to feel loved.  But what is important is to know what your partner needs to feel the same.  It does no real good to treat or "talk to" someone in OUR language if they can only hear in THEIRS.  A Physical Touch person may need to concentrate on Acts of Service to show their partner they love them (as it appears to be the case for you.)  Acts of Service may mean nothing to your husband but he needs to realize what YOU need.  Physical Touch may mean little or nothing to you, but you need to realize what HE needs.  Love is about giving, and giving your partner what they need, not what you want them to need.     

I like these languages but those switch in priority over long relationships and even if # 2 may have been  important 10 yrs ago it might not even make the list today. My friends seem to talk about or complain about their sex lives a lot less now than when we were younger, but I'm not sure if it's because they are happier with it now or just aren't having any.

[Wisconsin Beth]

They may have just gotten used to the status quo too. 

[KaraBoo]

Jun 24, 2015 9:05:25 GMT -5 tallguy said:

Jun 23, 2015 22:18:57 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Maybe.....maybe not.....depends on the person (either man or woman).....and what they find important to them.

My DH is a VERY touchy-feely type of person.  He can't get enough of touching me.  Doesn't matter what type of touch.  I knew this marrying him.  

However - I am NOT a touchy-feely person.  I have a bubble that a person can invade if I'm feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed.  I'm a person that prefers you to SHOW me that you care by doing little things for me (filling the car with gas for me, washing the dishes because you noticed they needed done-not because I asked you to, bringing me my favorite drink because you thought I might like it, etc).  I thought DH knew this about me when we married.

Because he's into touch, and I'd prefer my personal space not be "invaded", we've had some real misunderstandings about how we show each other love.  When I'm stressed, I don't want ANYONE touching me - not even my DH.  So, for him to walk by and grab my ass or try to cop-a-feel while I'm cooking or make lascivious remarks while I am stressed is the fastest way for him to be rejected.....and rejected for the foreseeable future......until I am no longer stressed.

We're slowly getting on the same page regarding what makes the other happy.....(and we're not newly-weds - we've been married 12 years)

If you are not familiar with it, the concept of Love Languages may be helpful.  There are (according to the theory) five "languages" of how people show love or feel loved.  As I recall, they are (alphabetically):

1.  Acts of Service

2.  Gifts

3.  Physical Touch

4.  Quality Time

5.  Words of Affirmation

We all have our own ways of feeling loved, and what types of behavior we require in order to feel loved.  But what is important is to know what your partner needs to feel the same.  It does no real good to treat or "talk to" someone in OUR language if they can only hear in THEIRS.  A Physical Touch person may need to concentrate on Acts of Service to show their partner they love them (as it appears to be the case for you.)  Acts of Service may mean nothing to your husband but he needs to realize what YOU need.  Physical Touch may mean little or nothing to you, but you need to realize what HE needs.  Love is about giving, and giving your partner what they need, not what you want them to need.     

Exactly! This is why we're finally getting on the same page. It took a while, but we're getting there.

[KaraBoo]

Jun 24, 2015 8:53:05 GMT -5 beergut said:

Jun 24, 2015 8:36:12 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

What pissed me off was when DH would goose me when I was bending over and I'd jump and whack my head on the counter or whatever.  No Honey, making me jump and hurt myself is NOT going to generate a sweeping need for me to jump you right here and now.  And possibly not later depending on if my head still hurts. 

If she is bent over and I happen by, I'm not grabbing dat ass, I'm making other more suggestive remarks. "While you're down there...."

Timing is everything. 

This is going to come across wrong and I truly don't mean it too. What works for you and your SO (or anyone else reading this) is great and I take nothing away from that for you. The next statement is my opinion only and how I view the above statement when it comes out of my DH's mouth.

My DH makes the exact same statements and moves that you have expressed above. For ME, these are moves and statements that come out of horny teenaged boys, not men who are in their 30's, 40's and above. I like to think we're a little more mature than that and want to be treated with more respect. The occasional "flashback" to the teen years is great and fun....but it loses its charm when a man constantly acts like a horny teenager.

I'd be much more receptive to veiled innuendos that leave a person's imagination spinning for the day anticipating the promised pleasure later (assuming it was followed through on and not just an empty tease) than outright PDA that leaves me feeling more like a piece of meat rather than loved and cared for.


Again....this is strictly my thoughts and opinions and is not meant to mean what you do in your relationship is wrong. I'm stating them simply as one female's perspective.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I like these languages but those switch in priority over long relationships and even if # 2 may have been important 10 yrs ago it might not even make the list today

I agree with this.  Sex is one of DH's primary love languages but the problem we've been having is DH hasn't updated his interpretation of it since he was a teenager.

I still very much love DH and I am still attracted to him.  But I am not 18 years old anymore so stop putting that part of me on a pedestal.

I told him it doesn't motivate me to have sex, it is a HUGE turn off b/c I am getting the exact opposite message. Who wants to have sex when you know if you do it isn't good enough?

I think it's a good thing to adapt when you have been together for 11 years like DH and I have.   Sure 18 year old horn dog sex was fun but that kind of passion burns out pretty quickly leaving not much substance behind for the long haul.   What we have now is much deeper and stems from having such a wealth of information on each other.

Getting him to accept that has been a struggle. I finally had to tell him if having teenager sex was so important then go find one, hope it's worth giving up all the rest of the stuff he has with me.

That got his attention.  While sex is still an important "love language" for him he's realizing that he needs to change his interpretation of it.  Stop keeping score like you did as a teenager and start looking at the quality of it.

I don't think sex dies when you get married and/or have kids. I think it evolves/changes.  The key to keeping the fire lit is being able to roll with it.  If you keep looking backwards to "what it used to be" of course you're never going to be satisfied.

[The Captain]

Sure 18 year old horn dog sex was fun but that kind of passion burns out pretty quickly leaving not much substance behind for the long haul. What we have now is much deeper and stems from having such a wealth of information on each other.

Who says you can't have both?

Sure, it takes work (and what worthy thing doesn't?) but when DH is doing something for me that involves getting sweaty and flexing his muscles (I'm talking about organizing the Garage People!!!) it doesn't take much to switch into horndog mode.

Then it's the fond memory of him spending a whole freaking weekend doing that for me because it was what I wanted, that makes it easy to slip into the mode that comes from decades of caring for each other.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Who says you can't have both?

You can.  DH's problem was that he's created an idealized image of me in his head at 18 and he wants me to "be like that" without explaining to me exactly what that is. 

So I bent over backwards trying to please him and "be like I was at 18" but he wasn't ever happy b/c I still apparently wasn't measuring up to whatever it was he had in his head.

There's always someone allegedly having more sex than us.  There is always something I am falling short on that I did or did not do when I was 18.

I didn't want to have sex with him b/c it was an endless litany of complaints.  I didn't feel sexy, I felt like frumpy old fart.

If he wanted to keep averaging 1-3 times a week (which I think is pretty good considering we have an infant in the house you may disagree) then he needed to grow up and stop measuring the quality of our sex life by how much he thinks he's getting compared to others.

Or he could try to find the one 18 year old willing to have sex with a 42 year old.

[Deleted]

Hmmm..... I don't think the problem is marriage.  When DH and I have a down spell, it is usually related to lack of time or self esteem.  

When it comes to time, DH will give up many things for sex.  He is rather accommodating that way.  If I have a list of 10 things I need to do that day, I am willing to give up sex time to get them all done.  DH is always willing to reshuffle things or take something off my plate to make time.

The self esteem thing.  I generally don't want to do it, if I feel flabby.  The more toned I am, the more he gets, so he is motivated to keep me in shape.

[The Captain]

NomoreDramaQ1015 - holy hell!  Sorry if I hit a nerve, seriously!!!

Want me to come whack his bits kneecaps with a baseball bat? 

That's just nucking futs!  Does he know how you feel (not that you should need to explain it to him)?

Sounds like your DH needs to finish growing up.  Are you raising two kids, or three?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Yeah it wasn't pretty.  This all went down a couple months ago.

He was the exact same way right after we had Gwen.   I would have been able to handle it better if he hadn't decided to spring it on me while I was dealing with losing my job and not having another one at the time.  Announcing I suck in the sack cut down the last shred of self esteem I had.

I let him have it and he recognized he crossed the line.  It helps a few male coworkers backed me up and told him he needs to count his blessings.  A wife that is 10 years younger than him has options. 

He's been better since then. I am not sure if he still feels that way and is keeping it to himself (which is fine with me) or if he's recognizing he's got it pretty good and the problem is HIM not me.

[TheHaitian]

Jun 24, 2015 9:44:13 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jun 24, 2015 8:18:49 GMT -5 midjd said:

From what I've observed of the male ego, I highly doubt most men are going around telling their friends their desire/performance just isn't what it used to be. 

You know Steve, I just can't seem to get it up anymore. The wife is always chasing me around wanting me to put out, but I just am not into it anymore. I feel so inadequate.  I'm stressed out, I'm tired, I've gained weight, I'm losing my hair. I just feel so unattractive.  Said no man, ever.

I have said it!

My wife sex drive is 10 times mine now and I am turning her down more often than not.

And dealing with male infertility hasn't really been a boost to the male ego if you know what I mean.

But we are working on it! I definitely
Admit that our current dry spell is solely on me not from her lack of trying/engaging etc.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Hmmm..... I don't think the problem is marriage

I totally agree. I've noticed with DH that when he decides we're having problems in the sack it often correlates with when he has his self esteem pity parties or when he's losing control in other areas of his life.

His job sucks donkey balls with his crazy new supervisor. Instead of talking to me about that he instead decides the one area of his life he can control is our sex life so he focuses on all that is wrong with that instead.

Which creates a negative feedback loop b/c I don't want to have sex with a critical ass hat.  That in turn offers him more fuel.

Fortunately DH and I always seem to be able to work it out. I did warn him after this last episode that there may not BE a "next time". I said you need to be careful with the nitpicking b/c I might one day decide to turn the microscope on him and not like what I see.

I'm figuring some people never get out of the negative feedback loop and either divorce, cheat or stay in a sexless marriage. 

Sex problems rarely seem to be about actual sex.  It's problems elsewhere that create problems in the bedroom.  Then the problems in the bedroom feedback into the issues elsewhere.

Just like money issues are often very rarely about actual money.

[MJ2.0]

I did warn him after this last episode that there may not BE a "next time". I said you need to be careful with the nitpicking b/c I might one day decide to turn the microscope on him and not like what I see.

You haven't said anything in response when he says stuff? The first thing to come out of my mouth would have been "well you're not exactly the young stallion I started dating, either!" and just go off on stuff I thought he was doing wrong. But I'm a bitch like that.

[quince]

My husband was supposed to come home during his lunch break today. He forgot. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jun 25, 2015 15:08:44 GMT -5 quince said:

My husband was supposed to come home during his lunch break today. He forgot. 

Mine's having the work week from hell.  Admittedly my work week ain't too hot either. 

But I just hit my Mom up to watch the kids so I can take DH out to dinner tomorrow night, depending on where we go, we might have some playtime.  The kids will need to be picked up around 9pm.  Mom can't keep them overnight right now (kitchen gutted) but keeping them for 3-3.5 hrs is ok, esp. if I bring dinner for them.   

[giramomma]

See, I have a marriage problem.

DH and I have pretty much no emotional intimacy right now. Our emotional intimacy has been waning, for about 4 years. We're beyond a "dry spell" and moving into kaput, in terms of our sex life.

Really, I've been trying to tell DH about the emotional intimacy thing for a few years. He finally listened when I came straight out and told him I don't think we'll still be married when the littlest goes off to college if we continue on the same path. So, he's made some calls. I'm not sure how to proceed. Both of our therapists have retired. Which makes me sad. I don't want to break in another one.

[kittensaver]

Jun 25, 2015 16:12:58 GMT -5 giramomma said:

See, I have a marriage problem.

DH and I have pretty much no emotional intimacy right now. Our emotional intimacy has been waning, for about 4 years. We're beyond a "dry spell" and moving into kaput, in terms of our sex life.

Really, I've been trying to tell DH about the emotional intimacy thing for a few years. He finally listened when I came straight out and told him I don't think we'll still be married when the littlest goes off to college if we continue on the same path. So, he's made some calls. I'm not sure how to proceed. Both of our therapists have retired. Which makes me sad. I don't want to break in another one.

Another one what? Husband or Therapist?

[vonna]

Jun 25, 2015 15:08:44 GMT -5 quince said:

My husband was supposed to come home during his lunch break today. He forgot. 

What a letdown!

"Nooners" are the best!!

[joemilitary]

If more husbands would text their wives photos of their junk, then there would probably be more sex

[tallguy]

If more husbands would text their wives photos of their junk, then there would probably be more sex

No, and in fact I am amazed that most men get any sex at all.  It's women's fault, though.  Yes, the men are either jerks or idiots (some, to be charitable, are just clueless) but the women let them be.  Why?  I don't get it.  

Stay away from the jerks, train the idiots and the clueless, and if you happen to find one that is none of those, hang on for dear life.  What's so hard? 

 

[zibazinski]

Finding one to begin with.

[Cookies Galore]

When hubs and I got home after run club last night, I made a comment about how I think my shoulders are looking strong, probably from all my working out. He said that I always had nice shoulders and went on to tell me everything he likes about them. THAT made me want to jump his bones; because there is more to me than my tits and ass. As great as they may be. :-)

[giramomma]

Jun 25, 2015 16:14:52 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

<abbr data-timestamp="1435266892000" class="time" title="Jun 25, 2015 16:14:52 GMT -5">Jun 25, 2015 16:14:52 GMT -5</abbr> kittensaver said:



Another one what? Husband or Therapist?

Therapist. I'm actually not interested in dating if we divorce, for a variety of reasons.

[sarcasticgirl]

Jun 23, 2015 11:58:09 GMT -5 beergut said:

Someone made a joke about this on my Gah!!! thread, but I am interested in hearing the female perspective.

Why does sex slow down or stop after marriage?

You got your man, so no need to put out as much?

Fatigue of working and raising kids?

Husband let himself go and isn't as attractive/sexy as he once was?

I didn't read the entire thread... But the post assumes it is the woman that puts the kabash on things...
Yeah, that is not always the case.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using proboards

[beergut]

Jun 26, 2015 17:18:19 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Jun 23, 2015 11:58:09 GMT -5 beergut said:

I didn't read the entire thread... But the post assumes it is the woman that puts the kabash on things...
Yeah, that is not always the case.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using proboards

I'm not assuming it is always the fault of the woman, the OP was simply to start the discussion.

[beergut]

Jun 25, 2015 0:16:53 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Jun 24, 2015 8:53:05 GMT -5 beergut said:

This is going to come across wrong and I truly don't mean it too. What works for you and your SO (or anyone else reading this) is great and I take nothing away from that for you. The next statement is my opinion only and how I view the above statement when it comes out of my DH's mouth.

My DH makes the exact same statements and moves that you have expressed above. For ME, these are moves and statements that come out of horny teenaged boys, not men who are in their 30's, 40's and above. I like to think we're a little more mature than that and want to be treated with more respect. The occasional "flashback" to the teen years is great and fun....but it loses its charm when a man constantly acts like a horny teenager.

I'd be much more receptive to veiled innuendos that leave a person's imagination spinning for the day anticipating the promised pleasure later (assuming it was followed through on and not just an empty tease) than outright PDA that leaves me feeling more like a piece of meat rather than loved and cared for.


Again....this is strictly my thoughts and opinions and is not meant to mean what you do in your relationship is wrong. I'm stating them simply as one female's perspective.

 Don't worry, not taking it personally.   Everyone has something that works for them, and no method is wrong.

 With Gf, I feel like I don't have to filter things. When she asks me "What are you thinking?", I will come out and say exactly what is in my mind at that moment, instead of filtering it for a more 'appropriate' audience.

So sometimes the answer to that question will be, "I'm thinking I need to walk away from you right now, because if I don't I will lose control and start tearing your clothes off." Did I just tell her I'm an emotionally-immature 16 year old trapped in a much older body? No, I just told her she looks amazing right this moment, and her beauty is distracting me from more 'mature' thoughts. Do I do this all the time? No. She doesn't ask me what I'm thinking all the time. However, it happens often enough that she knows she still does it for me. 

She is also secure enough in herself that she will point out other women in public that she thinks I'll find attractive. We're both inveterate people-watchers, and find everyday life to be very amusing. Her intellect is what I find most attractive about her, even though she is very physically attractive. She knows this, which is why she doesn't mind if I let her know she's bringing the '16 yr old horn dog' out in me at other times. 

[Deleted]

You all are making me look forward to my dude coming up to visit!  

As a woman who hasn't gotten to drink from the water well in over two DECADES, I am kinda looking forward to some...   

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Jun 25, 2015 17:26:22 GMT -5 joemilitary said:

If more husbands would text their wives photos of their junk, then there would probably be more sex

After being married for a while (or for any length of time), that isn't going to get someone interested in "more sex".

They've been there, done that, and seen it already.

The secret to a healthy sex life is to keep things interesting/spice things up - try something new.

Even a bubble bath together, or "camping out" on the living room floor with a fire going in the fireplace can set the mood.

You (and your partner) just have to learn to be creative to keep the spark ignited. It isn't that difficult.

Sex is only ho-hum (or non-existent) if you just keep going through the motions on the off chance your partner is in the mood.

How about setting the mood?

[CarolinaKat]

Jun 23, 2015 21:15:54 GMT -5 oped said:

One would think. 

Do people really like having their ass grabbed? 

...maybe.... But i'm 100% more likely to grab his ass first  

With DH and I, being married vs dating wasn't really different at all. Other than I added a word to my last name and am covered under his insurance, nothing really changed. 

Our sex life dramatically changed when my Static Migraine came to live with us. We weren't yet married, but I swear he didn't get sex for like 6 months because I was in too much pain to do anything but whimper and sleep. He married me anyway. Sex is getting much better now that my daily pain level is barely noticeable. It's much easier to feel frisky when you're not in pain.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"It can be grabbing her ass when you give her a hug, it can be a lascivious whispered remark when you walk by her in the kitchen as she is preparing food, it can be a surprise grab-and-smooch, but you have to let her know she still does it for you and still gets you going. Women like to know you think they're beautiful.":::...

To someone that doesn't find him/herself beautiful, then these "compliments" are just empty buttering up, and probably have the opposite effect.