imawino
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Post by imawino on Jun 23, 2015 21:27:51 GMT -5
Someone made a joke about this on my Gah!!! thread, but I am interested in hearing the female perspective. Why does sex slow down or stop after marriage? You got your man, so no need to put out as much? Fatigue of working and raising kids? Husband let himself go and isn't as attractive/sexy as he once was? Familiarity breeds contempt.
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quince
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Post by quince on Jun 23, 2015 21:29:49 GMT -5
I like having my ass grabbed, and so does my husband. That seems odd. Who does he like grabbing it? He mostly likes when he grabs my ass, but I think he'd be amused by other people grabbing my ass. He likes me to know I'm appreciated. Also, if I actually let someone else grab my ass, he'd be all excited by the possibility of a threesome. (My husband likes having HIS ass grabbed.  
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 23, 2015 21:33:21 GMT -5
Uhhh, probably not my idea of one.... But hey, who am I to judge?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 23, 2015 21:35:27 GMT -5
Uhhh, probably not my idea of one.... But hey, who am I to judge?
Well if one of her hot female friends grabbed her ass...
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 23, 2015 21:37:08 GMT -5
I'm guessing he would be even more out of luck in that case....
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jun 23, 2015 22:18:57 GMT -5
I'm a firm believer that if you're a guy, it is on you to tell her she is beautiful/desirable at least once every single day. And you don't have to literally say it that way. It can be grabbing her ass when you give her a hug, it can be a lascivious whispered remark when you walk by her in the kitchen as she is preparing food, it can be a surprise grab-and-smooch, but you have to let her know she still does it for you and still gets you going. Women like to know you think they're beautiful. My GF leaves for work in the morning before I do. I am a night owl, and sometimes am still up reading when she wakes up to get ready for work. I will sit there in bed and comment on how hot she is while she is getting dressed. Even with bed hair and half-asleep, she still gets me going, and I let her know that. It costs me nothing to compliment her, and it sends her off to work in a good mood. Maybe.....maybe not.....depends on the person (either man or woman).....and what they find important to them. My DH is a VERY touchy-feely type of person. He can't get enough of touching me. Doesn't matter what type of touch. I knew this marrying him. However - I am NOT a touchy-feely person. I have a bubble that a person can invade if I'm feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed. I'm a person that prefers you to SHOW me that you care by doing little things for me (filling the car with gas for me, washing the dishes because you noticed they needed done-not because I asked you to, bringing me my favorite drink because you thought I might like it, etc). I thought DH knew this about me when we married. Because he's into touch, and I'd prefer my personal space not be "invaded", we've had some real misunderstandings about how we show each other love. When I'm stressed, I don't want ANYONE touching me - not even my DH. So, for him to walk by and grab my ass or try to cop-a-feel while I'm cooking or make lascivious remarks while I am stressed is the fastest way for him to be rejected.....and rejected for the foreseeable future......until I am no longer stressed. We're slowly getting on the same page regarding what makes the other happy.....(and we're not newly-weds - we've been married 12 years)
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jun 23, 2015 23:38:54 GMT -5
Someone made a joke about this on my Gah!!! thread, but I am interested in hearing the female perspective. Why does sex slow down or stop after marriage? You got your man, so no need to put out as much? Fatigue of working and raising kids? Husband let himself go and isn't as attractive/sexy as he once was? I am, likely not, the female perspective you are looking for, but I am confused by your (seemingly) gender based assumption that the decline in sexual activity in straight marriages is the choice of the female in the relationship. I would say that a full 1/3 of my straight female married friends tell me that they are ready to run, but their husband's are too tired, or too whatever. News flash, women like sex. A lot. We don't have to "put out" to get a man. Grown women with confidence don't "put out" at all, we have sex because we like it, it feels good, and it is fun. As far as my husband letting himself go...My DH isn't in great shape. However, after 9+ years, our physical/intimate connection isn't really based on sexy bodies any more, it is more about intimacy (both can be great). It isn't as hot as strange, but it is a lot of fun and, strangely, more satisfying for both of us at this age and stage in our lives.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 24, 2015 0:09:12 GMT -5
Someone made a joke about this on my Gah!!! thread, but I am interested in hearing the female perspective. Why does sex slow down or stop after marriage? You got your man, so no need to put out as much? Fatigue of working and raising kids? Husband let himself go and isn't as attractive/sexy as he once was? I am, likely not, the female perspective you are looking for, but I am confused by your (seemingly) gender based assumption that the decline in sexual activity in straight marriages is the choice of the female in the relationship. I would say that a full 1/3 of my straight female married friends tell me that they are ready to run, but their husband's are too tired, or too whatever. News flash, women like sex. A lot. We don't have to "put out" to get a man. Grown women with confidence don't "put out" at all, we have sex because we like it, it feels good, and it is fun. As far as my husband letting himself go...My DH isn't in great shape. However, after 9+ years, our physical/intimate connection isn't really based on sexy bodies any more, it is more about intimacy (both can be great). It isn't as hot as strange, but it is a lot of fun and, strangely, more satisfying for both of us at this age and stage in our lives. I worded the question the way I did, and directed it at women specifically for two reasons: 1) vast majority of members of this forum seem to be women 2) the "no sex after you get married" joke on the other thread was from a woman I don't think the decline in sex after marriage is solely on the woman, but judging from comments I hear from male friends, they're not the ones who don't want it. I do have one female friend who has to initiate most of the time with her boyfriend/fiancee. I think sex slowing down before marriage is a bad sign, but she is convinced it will improve once they move in together after marriage and have some privacy.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 24, 2015 0:12:21 GMT -5
AMEN! I spend all day in various modes, employee, mom, housekeeper. I get help from him but that "gotta keep everything afloat and good and...whatever" doesn't just shut off like a light switch, it winds down. Yep. In our case, something is helping is that I've dropped about 20 lbs in the last couple of months (it was the "I'm afraid my gall bladder will attack again" diet) and I think he's more attracted to me. Don't get me wrong - he loves me and all that no matter what I weigh but it feels (there's that mental for sex part) that he's more physical about wanting me lately. And I'm feeling sexier lately, which also helps but it's a circular argument in a lot of ways. He make moves and I respond and then I make moves and he respond and then he makes a move, etc. GF did a 30 day paleo challenge, and dropped 20 lbs. She looked terrific before she lost the weight, and terrific after she lost the weight, but she did tell me that she 'felt' sexier after she lost the weight, and liked looking at herself in the mirror more.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 24, 2015 0:16:24 GMT -5
One would think. Do people really like having their ass grabbed? My girlfriend likes it when I grab her ass, and I like it when she grabs mine, so there is two people
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 24, 2015 0:18:11 GMT -5
Maybe.....maybe not.....depends on the person (either man or woman).....and what they find important to them. My DH is a VERY touchy-feely type of person. He can't get enough of touching me. Doesn't matter what type of touch. I knew this marrying him. However - I am NOT a touchy-feely person. I have a bubble that a person can invade if I'm feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed. I'm a person that prefers you to SHOW me that you care by doing little things for me (filling the car with gas for me, washing the dishes because you noticed they needed done-not because I asked you to, bringing me my favorite drink because you thought I might like it, etc). I thought DH knew this about me when we married. Because he's into touch, and I'd prefer my personal space not be "invaded", we've had some real misunderstandings about how we show each other love. When I'm stressed, I don't want ANYONE touching me - not even my DH. So, for him to walk by and grab my ass or try to cop-a-feel while I'm cooking or make lascivious remarks while I am stressed is the fastest way for him to be rejected.....and rejected for the foreseeable future......until I am no longer stressed. We're slowly getting on the same page regarding what makes the other happy.....(and we're not newly-weds - we've been married 12 years) I'm touchy-feely as is GF. I do not think I could be with someone who isn't touchy-feely.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 24, 2015 1:08:44 GMT -5
My ex got ED after a few years. I would start enjoying and he couldn't finish so I learned not to start enjoying. Then it got really miserable, he would demand I keep attempting to please him and not give up when it didn't work. I was happy to divorce him so I wouldn't ever need to have sex with him again.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 24, 2015 7:46:35 GMT -5
It was me, Beer, who felt things wouldn't be the way you think they'll be after marriage. I think right now she'd do anything to keep you happy because she depends on you. When she can freely support herself and her children without some man, be it you or Daddy, "helping out" then she will be on an even footing and can be herself. Maybe she is just one hot momma and you've scored, maybe she's just putting out until she feels secure/married. Don't know. How'd the financials work out btw?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 24, 2015 8:18:49 GMT -5
From what I've observed of the male ego, I highly doubt most men are going around telling their friends their desire/performance just isn't what it used to be.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 24, 2015 8:27:18 GMT -5
One would think. Do do people reall like having their ass grabbed? yes. sometimes, anyway. Especially when it's accompanied by talk about how my ass looks so good. And sometimes a discrete pat/grab is the easiest way to show affection during those frantic moments of trying to get a meal on the table. Oddly enough, I missed it once I realized he'd stopped. So I'm kinda happy he's doing it again. AGain, sex is mental (and yeah, this works in both the standard definition and the British slang for crazy..)
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jun 24, 2015 8:30:56 GMT -5
One would think. Do people really like having their ass grabbed? There is a huge difference between a grab, a grope, and a caress. I'm still trying to get DH to understand the finer nuances. Count me in with those who don't like to be grabbed. A caress is always welcome and groping depends on my mood.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 24, 2015 8:36:12 GMT -5
One would think. Do people really like having their ass grabbed? My girlfriend likes it when I grab her ass, and I like it when she grabs mine, so there is two people What pissed me off was when DH would goose me when I was bending over and I'd jump and whack my head on the counter or whatever. No Honey, making me jump and hurt myself is NOT going to generate a sweeping need for me to jump you right here and now. And possibly not later depending on if my head still hurts.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 24, 2015 8:41:41 GMT -5
Do do people reall like having their ass grabbed
I don't mind. Somewhere along the way DH and I stopped doing things like that and other small physical signs of affection.
It's been hard for me to get my engine revving when I feel like DH barely acknowledges my existence until he decides he wants a little something.
So we've been working on remembering to do those small things again like holding hands, kissing and yes he even slaps my ass from time to time.
I don't find that having actual SEX has changed all that much beyond we have to be more creative with children in the house.
What I found changed is apparently it's taken for granted we're married and therefore have regular sex. There is no need to do those small things anymore, it's understood we love each other.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 24, 2015 8:46:24 GMT -5
It was me, Beer, who felt things wouldn't be the way you think they'll be after marriage. I think right now she'd do anything to keep you happy because she depends on you. When she can freely support herself and her children without some man, be it you or Daddy, "helping out" then she will be on an even footing and can be herself. Maybe she is just one hot momma and you've scored, maybe she's just putting out until she feels secure/married. Don't know. How'd the financials work out btw? The financials are an ongoing process. I'm still house-sitting, and we're headed out of town tomorrow. We're going to be in a hotel for the next few days, so hopefully plenty of one-on-one time to continue that discussion.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 24, 2015 8:53:05 GMT -5
My girlfriend likes it when I grab her ass, and I like it when she grabs mine, so there is two people What pissed me off was when DH would goose me when I was bending over and I'd jump and whack my head on the counter or whatever. No Honey, making me jump and hurt myself is NOT going to generate a sweeping need for me to jump you right here and now. And possibly not later depending on if my head still hurts. If she is bent over and I happen by, I'm not grabbing dat ass, I'm making other more suggestive remarks. "While you're down there...." Timing is everything.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 24, 2015 8:55:05 GMT -5
Good. I still think you need to write her a check for what it used to cost you to live on your own and see how that goes. It seems fair to me. If you used to spend 2k a month between rent/mortgage, utilities, food, insurance on whatever you were living in, then stroke her a check for 2k. Then see how she manages it. That doesn't mean you can't buy special meal or take her out but it means she manages her money not you.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 24, 2015 9:05:25 GMT -5
I'm a firm believer that if you're a guy, it is on you to tell her she is beautiful/desirable at least once every single day. And you don't have to literally say it that way. It can be grabbing her ass when you give her a hug, it can be a lascivious whispered remark when you walk by her in the kitchen as she is preparing food, it can be a surprise grab-and-smooch, but you have to let her know she still does it for you and still gets you going. Women like to know you think they're beautiful. My GF leaves for work in the morning before I do. I am a night owl, and sometimes am still up reading when she wakes up to get ready for work. I will sit there in bed and comment on how hot she is while she is getting dressed. Even with bed hair and half-asleep, she still gets me going, and I let her know that. It costs me nothing to compliment her, and it sends her off to work in a good mood. Maybe.....maybe not.....depends on the person (either man or woman).....and what they find important to them. My DH is a VERY touchy-feely type of person. He can't get enough of touching me. Doesn't matter what type of touch. I knew this marrying him. However - I am NOT a touchy-feely person. I have a bubble that a person can invade if I'm feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed. I'm a person that prefers you to SHOW me that you care by doing little things for me (filling the car with gas for me, washing the dishes because you noticed they needed done-not because I asked you to, bringing me my favorite drink because you thought I might like it, etc). I thought DH knew this about me when we married. Because he's into touch, and I'd prefer my personal space not be "invaded", we've had some real misunderstandings about how we show each other love. When I'm stressed, I don't want ANYONE touching me - not even my DH. So, for him to walk by and grab my ass or try to cop-a-feel while I'm cooking or make lascivious remarks while I am stressed is the fastest way for him to be rejected.....and rejected for the foreseeable future......until I am no longer stressed. We're slowly getting on the same page regarding what makes the other happy.....(and we're not newly-weds - we've been married 12 years) If you are not familiar with it, the concept of Love Languages may be helpful. There are (according to the theory) five "languages" of how people show love or feel loved. As I recall, they are (alphabetically): 1. Acts of Service 2. Gifts 3. Physical Touch 4. Quality Time 5. Words of Affirmation
We all have our own ways of feeling loved, and what types of behavior we require in order to feel loved. But what is important is to know what your partner needs to feel the same. It does no real good to treat or "talk to" someone in OUR language if they can only hear in THEIRS. A Physical Touch person may need to concentrate on Acts of Service to show their partner they love them (as it appears to be the case for you.) Acts of Service may mean nothing to your husband but he needs to realize what YOU need. Physical Touch may mean little or nothing to you, but you need to realize what HE needs. Love is about giving, and giving your partner what they need, not what you want them to need.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 24, 2015 9:07:03 GMT -5
What pissed me off was when DH would goose me when I was bending over and I'd jump and whack my head on the counter or whatever. No Honey, making me jump and hurt myself is NOT going to generate a sweeping need for me to jump you right here and now. And possibly not later depending on if my head still hurts. If she is bent over and I happen by, I'm not grabbing dat ass, I'm making other more suggestive remarks. "While you're down there...." Timing is everything. Snort.
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jun 24, 2015 9:39:41 GMT -5
I am, likely not, the female perspective you are looking for, but I am confused by your (seemingly) gender based assumption that the decline in sexual activity in straight marriages is the choice of the female in the relationship. I would say that a full 1/3 of my straight female married friends tell me that they are ready to run, but their husband's are too tired, or too whatever. News flash, women like sex. A lot. We don't have to "put out" to get a man. Grown women with confidence don't "put out" at all, we have sex because we like it, it feels good, and it is fun. As far as my husband letting himself go...My DH isn't in great shape. However, after 9+ years, our physical/intimate connection isn't really based on sexy bodies any more, it is more about intimacy (both can be great). It isn't as hot as strange, but it is a lot of fun and, strangely, more satisfying for both of us at this age and stage in our lives. I worded the question the way I did, and directed it at women specifically for two reasons: 1) vast majority of members of this forum seem to be women 2) the "no sex after you get married" joke on the other thread was from a woman I don't think the decline in sex after marriage is solely on the woman, but judging from comments I hear from male friends, they're not the ones who don't want it. I do have one female friend who has to initiate most of the time with her boyfriend/fiancee. I think sex slowing down before marriage is a bad sign, but she is convinced it will improve once they move in together after marriage and have some privacy. It isn't culturally acceptable for men to say that they don't want sex or can't have sex. It is incredibly emasculating. My guess is that 99%+ of men who don't want/can't have sex keep it to themselves. Also, it has only recently become culturally acceptable for women to express that they do want sex. There are a lot more limitations on how women do this.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 24, 2015 9:44:13 GMT -5
From what I've observed of the male ego, I highly doubt most men are going around telling their friends their desire/performance just isn't what it used to be. You know Steve, I just can't seem to get it up anymore. The wife is always chasing me around wanting me to put out, but I just am not into it anymore. I feel so inadequate. I'm stressed out, I'm tired, I've gained weight, I'm losing my hair. I just feel so unattractive. Said no man, ever.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jun 24, 2015 9:44:36 GMT -5
I'm a firm believer that if you're a guy, it is on you to tell her she is beautiful/desirable at least once every single day. And you don't have to literally say it that way. It can be grabbing her ass when you give her a hug, it can be a lascivious whispered remark when you walk by her in the kitchen as she is preparing food, it can be a surprise grab-and-smooch, but you have to let her know she still does it for you and still gets you going. Women like to know you think they're beautiful. My GF leaves for work in the morning before I do. I am a night owl, and sometimes am still up reading when she wakes up to get ready for work. I will sit there in bed and comment on how hot she is while she is getting dressed. Even with bed hair and half-asleep, she still gets me going, and I let her know that. It costs me nothing to compliment her, and it sends her off to work in a good mood. Maybe I’m over-complicated, or delusional, but I tend to think my desirability is a given and need to feel like more than a slit to be put in the mood. Not saying these things are never welcome, but if that’s all the attention I'm getting, go grab your own ass.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 24, 2015 9:45:14 GMT -5
Trivia question on the radio this morning.
25% of people say they would rather watch television than do this.
Answer was spend time alone with their SO. The lady that called in said "Have sex" and they said that was close enough and they gave her the prize.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 24, 2015 9:51:19 GMT -5
I'm a firm believer that if you're a guy, it is on you to tell her she is beautiful/desirable at least once every single day. And you don't have to literally say it that way. It can be grabbing her ass when you give her a hug, it can be a lascivious whispered remark when you walk by her in the kitchen as she is preparing food, it can be a surprise grab-and-smooch, but you have to let her know she still does it for you and still gets you going. Women like to know you think they're beautiful. My GF leaves for work in the morning before I do. I am a night owl, and sometimes am still up reading when she wakes up to get ready for work. I will sit there in bed and comment on how hot she is while she is getting dressed. Even with bed hair and half-asleep, she still gets me going, and I let her know that. It costs me nothing to compliment her, and it sends her off to work in a good mood. Maybe I’m over-complicated, or delusional, but I tend to think my desirability is a given and need to feel like more than a slit to be put in the mood. Not saying these things are never welcome, but if that’s all the attention I'm getting, go grab your own ass. I know I'm not beautiful. Cute, yes, but I'm getting too old for that. I don't think anyone wants to put a bag over my head, but I will never win any beauty awards. I'd rather my husband think I'm useful. He says he thinks I'm beautiful. I don't believe him.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jun 24, 2015 9:59:07 GMT -5
Maybe I’m over-complicated, or delusional, but I tend to think my desirability is a given and need to feel like more than a slit to be put in the mood. Not saying these things are never welcome, but if that’s all the attention I'm getting, go grab your own ass. I know I'm not beautiful. Cute, yes, but I'm getting too old for that. I don't think anyone wants to put a bag over my head, but I will never win any beauty awards. I'd rather my husband think I'm useful. He says he thinks I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. Useful?! That's never popped into my head, but if that works for you more power to ya! Maybe he really does believe you are beautiful - just go with it.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jun 24, 2015 10:51:44 GMT -5
Maybe I’m over-complicated, or delusional, but I tend to think my desirability is a given and need to feel like more than a slit to be put in the mood. Not saying these things are never welcome, but if that’s all the attention I'm getting, go grab your own ass. I know I'm not beautiful. Cute, yes, but I'm getting too old for that. I don't think anyone wants to put a bag over my head, but I will never win any beauty awards. I'd rather my husband think I'm useful. He says he thinks I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. Yes, this exactly! My goal in life isn't to be the hottest. Looks fade, and if that is all I have to offer, I'm going to be feeling pretty worthless in time. Dig a little deeper if you want me to believe I'm valued in the relationship.
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