beergut
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 16:36:42 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 2, 2015 16:36:42 GMT -5
So Beer should have said "I don't need a lamp, but if you have to have one, here, buy this cheap one from Target, not the one you want..." ? IMO if he has a problem paying for something, he shouldn't pay it. Don't pay for it and then use it as a later source of resentment. yes, in the beginning of the thread - I thought beer was ok with a sort of 'in it together' thing, but as he is not, and worried about being relied on too heavily, then they absolutely must come to a better arranged where they each are paying on all bills so that each can have and make their own discretionary decisions. Because as I mentioned earlier - each might have resentments in the current situation. For example, beer is always with the little vacations - but when she decided on one, he said no, and then stayed home (controlling?). Yet - he was the one who necessitated a long drive to a spot 2 weekends running. When he does all the extras, he is being nice and when she does them, she is being irresponsible. But - I can see where she may feel backed into a corner with no good choices and then not a lot of money because she is paying all those bill 100%. I don't know if I made it clear enough in the OP, but the issue with my not going to College Station was two-fold. 1) Parents were going out of country, which meant they needed me to house-sit. This was arranged months ago, so when she came up with the idea of spending a week in CS, I already had plans. 2) We were already going to Connecticut for five days (last Thursday through Monday) to see family, and the trip wasn't cheap. I didn't see the point in spending money on staying in College Station for a week when I had already paid a small fortune for the Connecticut trip. I'm not "worried about being relied on too heavily", I am worried she feels she can act financially irresponsible, and I'll be there to 'fix' everything every time.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 2, 2015 16:43:11 GMT -5
Then stop fixing it?
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 16:53:04 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 16:53:04 GMT -5
You were going to see her family in Connecticut?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 2, 2015 17:29:41 GMT -5
I think that beer may be missing the point that is being made here. Currently - the way that the finances are divvied up, the GF is paying for all the essentials, the boring, behind the scenes bills that are just standard, while beer pays for the interesting, variable, extras and splurges. while this might have been a little off for a couple, where she pays everything necessary and you make all the discretionary choices, when you put kids into the mix, it really does take an another dimension. You may even be encouraging her so spend even more on the kids trying to keep up. As a parent - you don't want your kids to have the feeling that you never do anything nice or special for them. And in fact, unless the kids have the insider scoop on how you two are handling the finances (and - in general - I don't think they should) - You have put her into the position of her kids thinking she is stingy or uncaring as she goes on multiple mini vacations all the time with you, but can't come up with the money to do nice things for them. Meanwhile, the boyfriend is always doing nice stuff, buying extras, etc. so you have put her into the position that you have upped the ante here while she is locked into all those standard bills and you have money flowing for all kinds of funess. Split the bills equitably, pay her some agreed proportion of market rent, groceries, etc. so she can also has a designated part of her money to do splurgy things now and again without breaking the bank. I think the kids have the 'insider scoop' on how finances work, when they want something nice, they come ask me for it. I think one of the reasons GF struggles with her finances is her inability to say no to her kids. And if she gets something for one, she has to buy something for the other two to be fair. I will admit that I did that buying two of everything when the girls were little. But at 15 & 17, which I think is the same age as her kids, mine are old enough to understand that you don't always get something just because your sister did. She needs to work on this before she ends up with grown children with a sense of entitlement who suck her dry because she won't say no.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 17:35:21 GMT -5
I don't understand how you think he is showing respect that she is not reciprocating I guess.... How much did those camps cost? And he pays for those, not considering what other expenses might be brought up by the camp, and while ignoring the fact that the living room is unusable to the family for a good part of the day because there is no lighting. Telling her the camps are essential to him, but she should sit in the dark until she can save up the money. I don't know. I don't see anything equal in how he is setting up finances. I think he's setting it up to fail. And he has not once commented about why he doesn't pay a portion of the regular bills versus deciding on what are the "important" extras and paying for those... I take it you've never been in Texas in the Spring or Summer? We get 12-14 hours of sunlight this time of year, which means the living room would be usable to anyone who wants to hang out there. Fact is, the only time people really use the living room is to watch television at night, at which time they have the lights off. There is a ceiling fan with a light that gives off plenty of light if used, but she wanted lamps she could put at either end of the couch. I'm not sure where you got this idea about the camps? I asked the 15 yr old over a year ago if she'd be interested in going to the camp, because I knew she liked soocer. Since I told her a year ago I would send her to this camp, I paid for it. I believe if you say you're going to do something, you need to do it. The 17 yr old came to me and showed me the brochure for the camp she wanted to go to. Again, this wasn't me or my 'needs', this was something she wanted to do. I knew it was something she really wanted to do and was integral to what she is doing in her extracurricular activities in school, so I agreed to pay for it. Omg, I'd have killed my kid for having the nerve to ask for something like that. You didn't offer it, it was asked for after you offered for another child. The fact that the one who asked you to pay for a camp as well as her mother who allowed it shocks the shit out of me, although it shouldn't. You don't see the problem with this? No one brought up decently would have the nerve to ask anyone but their own parent for something expensive.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jul 2, 2015 18:03:11 GMT -5
I take it you've never been in Texas in the Spring or Summer? We get 12-14 hours of sunlight this time of year, which means the living room would be usable to anyone who wants to hang out there. Fact is, the only time people really use the living room is to watch television at night, at which time they have the lights off. There is a ceiling fan with a light that gives off plenty of light if used, but she wanted lamps she could put at either end of the couch. I'm not sure where you got this idea about the camps? I asked the 15 yr old over a year ago if she'd be interested in going to the camp, because I knew she liked soocer. Since I told her a year ago I would send her to this camp, I paid for it. I believe if you say you're going to do something, you need to do it. The 17 yr old came to me and showed me the brochure for the camp she wanted to go to. Again, this wasn't me or my 'needs', this was something she wanted to do. I knew it was something she really wanted to do and was integral to what she is doing in her extracurricular activities in school, so I agreed to pay for it. Omg, I'd have killed my kid for having the nerve to ask for something like that. You didn't offer it, it was asked for after you offered for another child. The fact that the one who asked you to pay for a camp as well as her mother who allowed it shocks the shit out of me, although it shouldn't. You don't see the problem with this? No one brought up decently would have the nerve to ask anyone but their own parent for something expensive. It sounds like his official role in the household is being the fun one. In his comments earlier he seems pleased to be the one the kids go to when they want something fun, while mom is the one that takes care of the day to day living. In that scenario it would be natural for the child to ask him for camp.
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andi9899
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 18:14:22 GMT -5
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 2, 2015 18:14:22 GMT -5
I take it you've never been in Texas in the Spring or Summer? We get 12-14 hours of sunlight this time of year, which means the living room would be usable to anyone who wants to hang out there. Fact is, the only time people really use the living room is to watch television at night, at which time they have the lights off. There is a ceiling fan with a light that gives off plenty of light if used, but she wanted lamps she could put at either end of the couch. I'm not sure where you got this idea about the camps? I asked the 15 yr old over a year ago if she'd be interested in going to the camp, because I knew she liked soocer. Since I told her a year ago I would send her to this camp, I paid for it. I believe if you say you're going to do something, you need to do it. The 17 yr old came to me and showed me the brochure for the camp she wanted to go to. Again, this wasn't me or my 'needs', this was something she wanted to do. I knew it was something she really wanted to do and was integral to what she is doing in her extracurricular activities in school, so I agreed to pay for it. Omg, I'd have killed my kid for having the nerve to ask for something like that. You didn't offer it, it was asked for after you offered for another child. The fact that the one who asked you to pay for a camp as well as her mother who allowed it shocks the shit out of me, although it shouldn't. You don't see the problem with this? No one brought up decently would have the nerve to ask anyone but their own parent for something expensive. This times a zillion!
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 18:16:38 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 18:16:38 GMT -5
But this is how he has set up the situation! He pays for extras....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 18:47:02 GMT -5
It is not natural to ask someone for anything, especially someone not related to you. This is another boyfriend as far as those kids know. I wonder if this is why the other boyfriend split? I helped raise an old boyfriends kids and they never would have dreamed to ask me for anything. I asked THEM what they wanted for their birthdays and Christmas. Even then their requests were never more than $50, if that. I offered, they did not come and ask me for things. I'd be so ashamed if my kids ever did that. But I don't ask men for money, either. I can't even imagine that ever happening. I'd starve first.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 2, 2015 18:49:11 GMT -5
It is not natural to ask someone for anything, especially someone not related to you. This is another boyfriend as far as those kids know. I wonder if this is why the other boyfriend split? I helped raise an old boyfriends kids and they never would have dreamed to ask me for anything. I asked THEM what they wanted for their birthdays and Christmas. Even then their requests were never more than $50, if that. I offered, they did not come and ask me for things. I'd be so ashamed if my kids ever did that. But I don't ask men for money, either. I can't even imagine that ever happening. I'd starve first. Seriously! The guy lives in their house, banging their mom and sleeping in her bedroom. He is basically their step dad without the official title. I see nothing wrong with the kids asking him about camp, he has somewhat unofficially taken the Daddy role!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 18:53:40 GMT -5
I do. It's wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to go there. It's called self respect and manners. If he'd have raised them that'd be one thing but banging their mom does not give them access to his wallet. There's a name for that.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 2, 2015 19:07:21 GMT -5
I do. It's wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to go there. It's called self respect and manners. If he'd have raised them that'd be one thing but banging their mom does not give them access to his wallet. There's a name for that. Exactly! One of mine would never have asked a BF of mine for something like that. The fact that one asked because the other got something says a lot about how they were raised. It also clearly shows that the mom and her kids are looking at beer as an ATM.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 19:25:05 GMT -5
But this is how he has set up the situation! He pays for extras.... This is what the mother has allowed. I would not like my child asking my boyfriend for things. I would have explained to my child that if he/she wants something they need to ask me, not him. And my boyfriend would have to understand that he can't offer my kids or agree to pay for expensive things without talking to me first. But then, I'm not too keen on asking men for money, period. And I definitely wouldn't want my kids to think they could just ask my boyfriend for whatever they thought I couldn't afford or was just unwilling to pay for. If I did have a boyfriend live with me, I'd rather he contributed financially in a way that fit my idea that people should pay where they stay. Not just splurging and being the fun guy. But that's all just me and how I prefer things. I have some strange ideas about a lot of things. Lol ETA: I got distracted and siblings beat me to it. I mostly agree with what she said. Zib, not siblings. Stupid autocorrect!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 19:33:30 GMT -5
It is not natural to ask someone for anything, especially someone not related to you. This is another boyfriend as far as those kids know. I wonder if this is why the other boyfriend split? I helped raise an old boyfriends kids and they never would have dreamed to ask me for anything. I asked THEM what they wanted for their birthdays and Christmas. Even then their requests were never more than $50, if that. I offered, they did not come and ask me for things. I'd be so ashamed if my kids ever did that. But I don't ask men for money, either. I can't even imagine that ever happening. I'd starve first. Seriously! The guy lives in their house, banging their mom and sleeping in her bedroom. He is basically their step dad without the official title. I see nothing wrong with the kids asking him about camp, he has somewhat unofficially taken the Daddy role! They've only been dating a year, I think. Beer sounds like a good guy and I don't want to bash him and his girlfriend, so I'll just say I would have made different choices as a single parent. I'm really conservative about kids and their parents' dating habits/ relationships. Doesn't mean I'm always right though.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 19:36:43 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 19:36:43 GMT -5
The old boyfriend moved out, the new one moves in. I feel for those kids. What an example.
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 20:00:56 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 20:00:56 GMT -5
The old boyfriend moved out, the new one moves in. I feel for those kids. What an example. I must have missed where there was another boyfriend living there be for Beer.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 2, 2015 20:04:01 GMT -5
The old boyfriend moved out, the new one moves in. I feel for those kids. What an example. I must have missed where there was another boyfriend living there be for Beer. I think she is referring to the baby daddy. There was no mention of another boyfriend. I don't know that I really agree with the statement unless the dad moved out and beer moved in right after.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 2, 2015 20:13:49 GMT -5
It sounds like this how Beergut set it up. I have no problem with the kids asking. Beergut could have said no. I thought they'd been together longer than a year. I wouldn't want a live in boyfriend with kids, but the adults set up the situation. Why can't kids ask for something important to them? Adults can so no. Lord knows I heard it often enough. I do agree with keeping it as fair as possible. I'm enough younger than my siblings that it wasn't that obvious of ome got the shaft, but as adults, my parents keep things even between the 3 of us. The only thing we ask is for mom to watch our kids on occasion. That isn't necessarily even, but in the summer my mom tries to spend a week with each kid individually.
But really the way they are dividing finances is just screwy. It is system designed to breed resentment between the adults and between the kids and the mom If she always says no, but beergut says yes, that isn't going to help things.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 2, 2015 20:28:36 GMT -5
My issue is the post attacking the kids. Here is why I have an issue with it, as a child of divorced parents and my father having more ex girlfriends and wives than I can keep count....
When you bring someone into your home, that sleeps in your bed, spend time with your kids. You CAN set all the rules you want but you cannot keep your children from getting attached to that person, seeing that person eventually as more than mommy sleeping buddy and actually getting attached. Or actually seeing that person as a PARENT figure.
These are emotions, they are not black and white. Beergut has become a father figure of some sort to the kids, they are attached to him. He spends time with them, vacation with them, they KNOW him. The rules of your kids behavior and a stranger are not the same when the STRANGER is sleeping in your bed and spending time with your kids.
So no, I see no problem with both kids asking him about the camp. And saying they are manipulative and whatever else you want is just mean spirited and WRONG. If the mother did not want the kids to get attached to beergut and see him as such she should have never let him move in.
And this is why I am thankful my mother never moved in with my current step dad till they were married. I was getting enough of that bullshit from my dad sad, at least I had stability on my mom side. You enter into relationships, damn your kids feelings and expect them to act like grown ups: Hey this is mommy or daddy fuckbuddy we should not get attached!
Pisses me off to no end, they are freaking kids!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 20:54:29 GMT -5
My issue is the post attacking the kids. Here is why I have an issue with it, as a child of divorced parents and my father having more ex girlfriends and wives than I can keep count.... When you bring someone into your home, that sleeps in your bed, spend time with your kids. You CAN set all the rules you want but you cannot keep your children from getting attached to that person, seeing that person eventually as more than mommy sleeping buddy and actually getting attached. Or actually seeing that person as a PARENT figure. These are emotions, they are not black and white. Beergut has become a father figure of some sort to the kids, they are attached to him. He spends time with them, vacation with them, they KNOW him. The rules of your kids behavior and a stranger are not the same when the STRANGER is sleeping in your bed and spending time with your kids. So no, I see no problem with both kids asking him about the camp. And saying they are manipulative and whatever else you want is just mean spirited and WRONG. If the mother did not want the kids to get attached to beergut and see him as such she should have never let him move in. And this is why I am thankful my mother never moved in with my current step dad till they were married. I was getting enough of that bullshit from my dad sad, at least I had stability on my mom side. You enter into relationships, damn your kids feelings and expect them to act like grown ups: Hey this is mommy or daddy fuckbuddy we should not get attached! Pisses me off to no end, they are freaking kids! Who said the kids were manipulative? I said I would talk to my kid and tell them if they want something, they need to ask me. As for the rest, I never moved a man into my house because kids do get attached and there are too many ways for things to get complicated. I think a better example to set would be for Mom to get her shit in order because her kids see her depending on Beer to do stuff and they think it's ok. Her kids need to see her holding it down AND still being able to do fun stuff, so they'll know they can do it too. I wouldn't want my daughter to think that she can only do fun stuff if she has a boyfriend footing the bill. Which is what seems to be going on with Beer's girlfriend. Our kids watch us and learn from what we do, whether we realise it or not. And that is why I have certain opinions.
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TheHaitian
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 20:57:50 GMT -5
Post by TheHaitian on Jul 2, 2015 20:57:50 GMT -5
I do. It's wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to go there. It's called self respect and manners. If he'd have raised them that'd be one thing but banging their mom does not give them access to his wallet. There's a name for that. Exactly! One of mine would never have asked a BF of mine for something like that. The fact that one asked because the other got something says a lot about how they were raised. It also clearly shows that the mom and her kids are looking at beer as an ATM.Do I need to spell it out? Or maybe I misunderstood ....
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 21:00:42 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 21:00:42 GMT -5
Exactly! One of mine would never have asked a BF of mine for something like that. The fact that one asked because the other got something says a lot about how they were raised. It also clearly shows that the mom and her kids are looking at beer as an ATM.Do I need to spell it out? Or maybe I misunderstood .... Well, as long as u didn't think I was the one calling the kids manipulative, I'm good lol
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 22:21:25 GMT -5
Nope there was another boyfriend before Beer. Not baby daddy but one that supposedly was going to marry mom but didn't. This is why the supposed pressure for Beer to marry her. Anyway, if Beer wants to marry her and become the father figure, they need to get on the same page financially. I still think Beer isn't paying his own way and once he starts giving her a decent check once a month, the bank of Beer needs to close and see how she handles it.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 22:25:42 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 22:25:42 GMT -5
Btw, they aren't kids, they're 15 and up. They've seen daddies and boyfriends come and go. Bet they've seen men sleep with their mom, too.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 2, 2015 22:30:15 GMT -5
Btw, they aren't kids, they're 15 and up. They've seen daddies and boyfriends come and go. Bet they've seen men sleep with their mom, too. Did you basically just called beergut girlfriend a "tramp" ? Do you have a history on his girlfriend? Did she submit a list to you? And 15 and 17 are still KIDS. They still create an emotional attachment to the person that is there. They still want to be loved, accepted by the person, even more so if they look up to that person.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 3, 2015 5:01:46 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2015 5:01:46 GMT -5
Nonsense. Maybe YOU did to your Dad's girlfriends and wives but you are the exception, not the rule. If they're that immature, then they still harbor the idea of mom and dad getting back together. They're not that immature. Theyve been exposed to a lot and nowadays kids aren't sheltered. She's not a tramp but she's not thinking clearly, either, as far as her kids well being. Except financially.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2015 6:05:43 GMT -5
I didn't call her kids manipulative or the girlfriend a tramp. Both may be true. We only hear one side and it's not showing a good light on the girlfriend, her kids, or Beer. Beer needs to pay his fair share which I think ought to be what it cost him to live before. Extras on top of that? His choice. But it doesn't sound like he is paying his fair share and she's "okay" with it because she's hoping he will marry her. But "dinging" him financially means she's not really okay with it.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 3, 2015 8:10:58 GMT -5
Exactly! One of mine would never have asked a BF of mine for something like that. The fact that one asked because the other got something says a lot about how they were raised. It also clearly shows that the mom and her kids are looking at beer as an ATM.Do I need to spell it out? Or maybe I misunderstood .... I think you misunderstood. I don't and would never attack kids. I was referring to the mom's parenting and teaching her kids that it's ok to just ask for things because the other had something. Life isn't fair and you shouldn't feel entitled to something. When they get older and are on their own, no one is going to feed that sense of entitlement.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2015 8:20:55 GMT -5
Yes. You should not ask. The best thing to do is stuff down your feelings of resentment and inferiority and let them color your later realtionships with your siblings and parents. That is the right thing to do in this situation.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2015 8:24:26 GMT -5
I treat my kids fairly. I would be irate if someone supposedly tangentially related to my family unit came in and without consulting me, offered to give an everyday benefit to one child that I personally was not able to recreate for my other children. I don't need someone else injecting favoritism into my family.
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