giramomma
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 8:29:31 GMT -5
Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2015 8:29:31 GMT -5
Yeah, I'd go the hand-me-down and garage sale route first. We still have a lamp from DH's grandparents. I don't even want to know how old that is. For sure, older than us.
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MJ2.0
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 8:30:34 GMT -5
Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 2, 2015 8:30:34 GMT -5
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 2, 2015 8:30:50 GMT -5
Uh, IKEA. I paid less than 50 for a nice big floor lamp and two matching table lamps.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 2, 2015 8:37:07 GMT -5
Uh, IKEA. I paid less than 50 for a nice big floor lamp and two matching table lamps. IKEA is my adult Disney World.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 2, 2015 8:38:11 GMT -5
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973beachbum
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Jul 2, 2015 8:39:12 GMT -5
Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 8:39:12 GMT -5
We bought one that looks amazingly like that except it was $20 at the time from them. It was for my DD's dorm room. Same argument different place. The school provides all dorm lighting. So all dorm roms have two 40 w bulbs in each room. Have fun reading your textboks. That floor lamp lasted 2 weeks. It leaned like mad to begin with to the point she had to prop it behind something to keep it standing, and then it just started blowing bulbs. And I mean one every couple of days. We just ended up returning it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 2, 2015 8:41:15 GMT -5
Plus, she lied. Ugh, having been married to a compulsive liar, this is a very bad sign. He was also a compulsive spender. Still is but not my problem anymore. She said 'incidentals', I assumed (yeah, I know what that makes me) she meant hotel costs, later found out that to her, shopping for clothes on vacation is an 'incidental'. My assumption doesn't make her a liar. Honestly, the lamp thing is more annoying. Both lamps in the living room died a few months ago. I'm never in the living room, spend most of my time in the kitchen/dining area, or master bedroom. She said she wanted to replace the lamps, I said I was okay with the natural light that comes into the living room because I'm only in there during the daytime. She goes out and finds lamps she wants and buys them. I'm fine with this, because this is something she wanted, not necessarily something she needed, but she went out and bought it. To her it was a need, to me it was a want. Except I ended up paying for the damn things in the end. Were they needed clothes on sale or were they extras?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2015 8:46:52 GMT -5
She said 'incidentals', I assumed (yeah, I know what that makes me) she meant hotel costs, later found out that to her, shopping for clothes on vacation is an 'incidental'. My assumption doesn't make her a liar.Honestly, the lamp thing is more annoying. Both lamps in the living room died a few months ago. I'm never in the living room, spend most of my time in the kitchen/dining area, or master bedroom. She said she wanted to replace the lamps, I said I was okay with the natural light that comes into the living room because I'm only in there during the daytime. She goes out and finds lamps she wants and buys them. I'm fine with this, because this is something she wanted, not necessarily something she needed, but she went out and bought it. To her it was a need, to me it was a want. Except I ended up paying for the damn things in the end. Well, I kinda disagree. Your intended was not honest and forthright. That's at least dishonest in my book. Budgets are nice, but a budget is a tool. And I don't think a budget as a tool is going to fundamentally change your GF's attitude towards money. I think the ONLY thing that is going to work is for her to really understand what a need vs a want is. How about the two of you start volunteering at shelters, working with really poor kids (that bed share and wear ill fitting shoes poor), or help with habitat for humanity? I would also suggest maybe that you both sit down and read "Your Money or Your Life." I don't get this. I keep my eye on our finances. When DH says "I think we need this." and I say "it's a want. We need to wait..." he shrugs his shoulders and says, OK, and moves on. Actually, we just did this with repairing our laptop. He didn't respond by going out and buying a new one. He wouldn't take DS to camp, spend 3 hours shopping, come home late and then upon me asking him where the heck he was say "Oh, out." Or, if we do need to look at something I will say "Fine, buy what you think is best, but keep it under X price point." DH doesn't come back and say "well, I ended up spending twice as much as you said..because I couldn't find anything." (When, really he went to one store, didn't find anything he liked in that price range, and then way over spent to make himself happy at the expense of our family.) If my DH did these things, I figured he wouldn't respect me. Which, is just about as bad as being dishonest. I've seen relationships where there's not mutual respect. They are ugly and I don't want any part of that. Even when there are redeeming factors.
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 8:53:02 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 8:53:02 GMT -5
I don't understand how you think he is showing respect that she is not reciprocating I guess.... How much did those camps cost? And he pays for those, not considering what other expenses might be brought up by the camp, and while ignoring the fact that the living room is unusable to the family for a good part of the day because there is no lighting. Telling her the camps are essential to him, but she should sit in the dark until she can save up the money. I don't know. I don't see anything equal in how he is setting up finances. I think he's setting it up to fail. And he has not once commented about why he doesn't pay a portion of the regular bills versus deciding on what are the "important" extras and paying for those...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 8:57:47 GMT -5
In addition to opening up with each other on where your money goes, an exercise in listing your priorities when it comes to savings and spending is also not a bad idea.
Maybe all those vacations aren't as important to her. Maybe lamps for the living room and clothing for her kids are more important to her than the last vacation... And why should she pay for all the daily bills, and you pay for only extras you find important?
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 9:01:59 GMT -5
I just know I wouldn't respond well to being treated the way some of these posts are reading. This whole thread is reading that Beer should lay down the law with his GF and tell her how it is going to be or else like she is an 8 year old who won't clean her room. Budgets for a family have to be joint IMO. If I had my way we wouldn't have cable. But I am not the only person living here so I don't get to unilaterally decide that. At least not if we want to keep living together.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 9:04:08 GMT -5
Give her what you used to pay to live on your own and see how it goes I agree that it's controlling. Any extras you want to provide should be on top of that set amount.
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giramomma
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 9:05:14 GMT -5
Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2015 9:05:14 GMT -5
I don't understand how you think he is showing respect that she is not reciprocating I guess.... How much did those camps cost? And he pays for those, not considering what other expenses might be brought up by the camp, and while ignoring the fact that the living room is unusable to the family for a good part of the day because there is no lighting. Telling her the camps are essential to him, but she should sit in the dark until she can save up the money. I don't know. I don't see anything equal in how he is setting up finances. I think he's setting it up to fail. And he has not once commented about why he doesn't pay a portion of the regular bills versus deciding on what are the "important" extras and paying for those... The inequality in finances doesn't bother me. DH and I have always had unequal finances. We always will. It is what it is. I can't go back and change history from generations past. They aren't married, or even engaged. There's no reason to have a joint working budget between the two of them. I think that's part of the problem. Living like a couple, but yet not always behaving like couple makes things very confusing. If you are going to be in a relationship, then be all in. If not, then don't pick and choose where you will be all "in" and where you won't. Sure, I get lamps are a need. Don't fault that. Those lamps are a want. Are you really going to tell me her only options were no lamps or the lamps she purchased? So, it's OK for an over spender to indulge, but not OK for the financially responsible person to indulge? What bothers me the most his involvement with the kids, particularly since the relationship isn't a done deal yet. Ultimately, I think the kids are the ones that are going to be the most negatively affected if relationship breaks up. And for the kids' sake, I hope the work it out.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 2, 2015 9:05:37 GMT -5
Uh, IKEA. I paid less than 50 for a nice big floor lamp and two matching table lamps. IKEA is my adult Disney World. Yup. I've avoided it for a couple years in deference to my bank account but will need to go in a month when I move into my new place. I'm afraid at what the cost will be. :eek:
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 2, 2015 9:07:50 GMT -5
So Beer should have said "I don't need a lamp, but if you have to have one, here, buy this cheap one from Target, not the one you want..." ?
IMO if he has a problem paying for something, he shouldn't pay it. Don't pay for it and then use it as a later source of resentment.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 9:09:11 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 2, 2015 9:09:11 GMT -5
Yes, but being pressured by the kids to marry their mom is how DH ended up married and raising two kids that weren't his. Only she moved in with him. He couldn't think of a nice way to bail. Beer is a nice guy. The former boyfriend bailed. That makes him a bad guy. Beer doesn't want to bail so is trying to find a way not to.
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 9:11:33 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 9:11:33 GMT -5
I don't care if they make more or less than the other. He said she makes more. The issue is how much more of his income gets spent on wants... His. Than hers. Now some of that still won't be equal because she has kids she needs to support too. But why in the heck is she supporting almost all of the daily bills IN THE HOUSE THEy LIVE IN TOGETHER while the majority of his contribution goes to wants... HIS wants.
How much did moving in with her cut out of his budget a month? How much of that goes to her and the household? And how much of that goes to servicing his wants?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2015 9:14:27 GMT -5
So Beer should have said "I don't need a lamp, but if you have to have one, here, buy this cheap one from Target, not the one you want..." ? IMO if he has a problem paying for something, he shouldn't pay it. Don't pay for it and then use it as a later source of resentment. No. In an ideal world, she would have sat down, looked at her expenses and savings and said "Shit, I don't have the money in savings for these lamps whenever that expense will hit. I'd better figure out something else." And, yes, when my DH and I were dating...I didn't expect him to pay for my stuff that he didn't think was important. I didn't pay for his stuff that I didn't think was good. Even when we were living together. Actually, we still do that now, for the most part. It doesn't make us less married or less of a team. I do agree with you that he shouldn't have paid for the lamps. In that way, yes, he's not part of the solution to their issues.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 9:15:23 GMT -5
While you were dating was your DH living with you while you paid all the bills except for food?
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 9:16:35 GMT -5
Yes, but being pressured by the kids to marry their mom is how DH ended up married and raising two kids that weren't his. Only she moved in with him. He couldn't think of a nice way to bail. Beer is a nice guy. The former boyfriend bailed. That makes him a bad guy. Beer doesn't want to bail so is trying to find a way not to. But in this case he has said he would have married her if her finances were better. What better means is for him to decide. I guess my problem is on the one had he wants her to be "financially succesful" but seems to be adding things to her must pay for list that are his wants not hers and she has no say in it. He sort of lives there but only pays what he set as an amount and for things he deems to be needs. At no point in this discussion has it been talked about what she has or needs. She already had the home and presumably bills that have to be paid on that life. You can't merge two families without also jointly looking at what each has coming in and what it costs to live there with what both parties "need".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 9:20:14 GMT -5
Expensive food, vacations and camps you can't afford.... Not really a need either. Providing clothes, lighting, and security (what drives her inherent feeling of not favoring one child over another)... Much closer to needs to me than what you pay for.... So... Why are only your priorities what extras go toward in the home? Again. She should be bringing out her whole financials ... And so should you. And then divy up what it really takes to run the household. (Ask her what SHE was paying for food before you moved in... Or give her the 500-600 for food an see how she spends it) ... And then EACH of you use the cusion that living together creates to save/spend for what you want. What you are doing is actually very controlling and while I don't agree with manipulation, I can see how it can give way to it on her part. I think that beer may be missing the point that is being made here. Currently - the way that the finances are divvied up, the GF is paying for all the essentials, the boring, behind the scenes bills that are just standard, while beer pays for the interesting, variable, extras and splurges. while this might have been a little off for a couple, where she pays everything necessary and you make all the discretionary choices, when you put kids into the mix, it really does take an another dimension. You may even be encouraging her so spend even more on the kids trying to keep up. As a parent - you don't want your kids to have the feeling that you never do anything nice or special for them. And in fact, unless the kids have the insider scoop on how you two are handling the finances (and - in general - I don't think they should) - You have put her into the position of her kids thinking she is stingy or uncaring as she goes on multiple mini vacations all the time with you, but can't come up with the money to do nice things for them. Meanwhile, the boyfriend is always doing nice stuff, buying extras, etc. so you have put her into the position that you have upped the ante here while she is locked into all those standard bills and you have money flowing for all kinds of funess. Split the bills equitably, pay her some agreed proportion of market rent, groceries, etc. so she can also has a designated part of her money to do splurgy things now and again without breaking the bank. Can't like this enough. A thought ive ive been having too about clothes and expensive camps is that when you go to expensive camps, kids there tend to have the better equipment and sports gear/clothing etc. This is just another are on which there are unintended issues that go beyond price tag of camp.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 2, 2015 9:22:45 GMT -5
Expensive food, vacations and camps you can't afford.... Not really a need either. Providing clothes, lighting, and security (what drives her inherent feeling of not favoring one child over another)... Much closer to needs to me than what you pay for.... So... Why are only your priorities what extras go toward in the home? Again. She should be bringing out her whole financials ... And so should you. And then divy up what it really takes to run the household. (Ask her what SHE was paying for food before you moved in... Or give her the 500-600 for food an see how she spends it) ... And then EACH of you use the cusion that living together creates to save/spend for what you want. What you are doing is actually very controlling and while I don't agree with manipulation, I can see how it can give way to it on her part. I think that beer may be missing the point that is being made here. Currently - the way that the finances are divvied up, the GF is paying for all the essentials, the boring, behind the scenes bills that are just standard, while beer pays for the interesting, variable, extras and splurges. while this might have been a little off for a couple, where she pays everything necessary and you make all the discretionary choices, when you put kids into the mix, it really does take an another dimension. You may even be encouraging her so spend even more on the kids trying to keep up. As a parent - you don't want your kids to have the feeling that you never do anything nice or special for them. And in fact, unless the kids have the insider scoop on how you two are handling the finances (and - in general - I don't think they should) - You have put her into the position of her kids thinking she is stingy or uncaring as she goes on multiple mini vacations all the time with you, but can't come up with the money to do nice things for them. Meanwhile, the boyfriend is always doing nice stuff, buying extras, etc. so you have put her into the position that you have upped the ante here while she is locked into all those standard bills and you have money flowing for all kinds of funess. Split the bills equitably, pay her some agreed proportion of market rent, groceries, etc. so she can also has a designated part of her money to do splurgy things now and again without breaking the bank. It is tough being a single parent that is dating.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2015 9:24:03 GMT -5
I don't care if they make more or less than the other. He said she makes more. The issue is how much more of his income gets spent on wants... His. Than hers. Now some of that still won't be equal because she has kids she needs to support too. But why in the heck is she supporting almost all of the daily bills IN THE HOUSE THEy LIVE IN TOGETHER while the majority of his contribution goes to wants... HIS wants. How much did moving in with her cut out of his budget a month? How much of that goes to her and the household? And how much of that goes to servicing his wants? I'm bowing out now, because I have to work. Yes, Beer should pay for his portion of the bills..his transportation costs, his food, his clothes, and his portion of utilities, the mortgage should be on him to pay and contribute. The rest, no. He doesn't owe his girlfriend or her kids the rest of his income just because they live there. He should be free to do with it what he wishes, assuming all he is covering all of his expenses. But he shouldn't also be expected to give the GF more of his money because he's a saver. If he decides to take a bus rather than pay for gas, the GF shouldn't say "Oh great. There's $100 more per month that can go towards household bills."
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giramomma
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Jul 2, 2015 9:29:53 GMT -5
Post by giramomma on Jul 2, 2015 9:29:53 GMT -5
While you were dating was your DH living with you while you paid all the bills except for food? No. But in truth, our apartments were so cheap that sort of situation would have made things fairly equitable between the two of us. Even now, if half of our mortgage is actually less than our monthly food bill. Do we know for sure, that the GF is paying for Beer's car insurance, car maintenance, gas, etc? Or health care costs..or any other costs that are individual..I assumed that at least things like car insurance would be in his name, and wouldn't be forwarded to the GF to pay. If that's the case, yes, then he is absolutely using her.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 9:34:53 GMT -5
I'm guessing she is paying for all those things for herself. Plus the mortgage, house insurance, electricity, interne, cable?, real estate taxes, heating/cooling, repairs, etc.
If she had gotten a roomate, they both would have paid their own stuff and she would be getting say a third of the other bills. And then SHE could decide how that money was spent.
How much did he save by moving in with her? How much did she save by having him move in?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 2, 2015 9:37:21 GMT -5
I both agree and disagree with this. If there's minimal income disparity, I don't think either should be required to subsidize the other's lifestyle. But it begs the question of how couples with separate finances and very different incomes manage. Does one travel the world in retirement while the other stays home because s/he didn't save enough? I'm not sure what my parents' specific financial arrangement was while married, but I know my dad kept a pretty big chunk of his paycheck and my mom used all hers to cover basic necessities. We didn't have air conditioning in the house, but my dad had a window unit in his bedroom (and kept the door closed). All our clothes were hand-me-downs, but my dad always had nice new running shoes. It is difficult and breeds a lot of resentment to feel like one person is living a "better" lifestyle in your home than everyone else. That is probably an extreme example, and is not meant to imply that the above is what Beer is doing. He seems like a good guy and I would never compare him to my dad. But I do think living together and covering very different categories (and amounts) of expenses can be problematic, for the reasons Rukh described.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 2, 2015 9:54:36 GMT -5
A real man does not shoplift the "pooty" from a single mom
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 9:56:44 GMT -5
I have a friend who married a man who made a bunch more than she did. When they got married he said they would live in his home which he had owned for a few years as she was renting. It seemed to make sense so she didn't question it. Then she moved in and he gave her her "share" of the expenses. She had lived a pretty modest life on a modest income. He lived a larger life on a much larger income. He divied up the expenses based on the percent each made. So she made one third the income of him so she was supposed to pay one third the expenses. It took her modest rent and made it over half her take home pay. It got to the point where she was bringing peanut butter sandwhichs to work while he was golfing and lunching with friends. In his mind why should he have to sacrifice his little pleasures because she couldn't save. This doesn't have to do with the OP himself. First of all they didn't either have kids. Which made the divorce easier. I just post it to show that one person's reasonable is another person's controlling asshole.
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Jul 2, 2015 10:19:10 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 10:19:10 GMT -5
For what it is worth, my DD has 3 kids and when she and DSIL got married he took on responsibility for all of their expenses. He is the primary earner, but they discuss what they will/will not spend money on. I noticed this week she is sporting a new tattoo, so I think their spending priorities are different than mine. We are both VERY happy that 'bank of mom' has closed. I was far more restrictive over her spending when I was subsidizing her <<evil mother emoji needed>>
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 2, 2015 10:32:54 GMT -5
Plus, she lied. Ugh, having been married to a compulsive liar, this is a very bad sign. He was also a compulsive spender. Still is but not my problem anymore. She said 'incidentals', I assumed (yeah, I know what that makes me) she meant hotel costs, later found out that to her, shopping for clothes on vacation is an 'incidental'. My assumption doesn't make her a liar. No. It doesn't. Her telling you "incidentals" instead of "shopping" does. I've been in relationships with liars before both romantic and platonic. It's something I hope to not have happen again. I have no respect for a liar.
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