Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 8:32:01 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 1, 2015 8:32:01 GMT -5
So did you assume it was hotel stuff or did she imply? Though I guess if she used the term incidental fees then it's just a straight up lie. Man, this is going to be tough because the only way you can see the big picture is if she opens up all her accounts to you vs showing you a budget that's probably not real. I admit, from how beergut wrote it, I assumed she or the kids charged food and/or beverages to the room.
|
|
tallguy
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 2, 2011 19:21:59 GMT -5
Posts: 14,563
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 8:42:04 GMT -5
Post by tallguy on Jul 1, 2015 8:42:04 GMT -5
No, he assumed it was the hotel/motel tax surcharge, which I then pointed out would only total about $10-20, if that.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jul 1, 2015 8:42:44 GMT -5
Jun 21, 2015 at 8:41am giramomma said: justme Avatar Jun 21, 2015 at 1:39am justme said: Community property states are a bitch in divorce from what I hear Yes, they are. One of my bosses got taken to the cleaners when his wife chose to divorce him. His alimony alone was like 40K/year, even though he paid for her masters and she was dallying on getting a job.
She also got half of all his retirement accounts. He figured he had to work until he was 70 just to catch up to where he was before the separation/divorce.
Yeah, I don't want to even tell you about DH's agreement. It's heart stopping.
I guess this will be what my ex's new friend will bitch about.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 9:39:34 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2015 9:39:34 GMT -5
DH's was a doozy. Wow.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Jul 1, 2015 9:49:26 GMT -5
This is one of those things that probably has way more than one side to it. I'm thinking more like six. Of course budgeting is important but arguing about the cost of things can be tricky. DH always gets shocked and upset when I tell him what I spent on clothes for our kids. Case in point I just got 4 bras for DD for $77 at Macy's. Personally I think that is a screaming deal for good bras. But I know he will think it is crazy expensive because he has never bought any clothes for the kids and barely any for himself. He doesn't care. He would wear the underwear until it was little scraps of cloth hanging onto a stretched out elastic band around his waist. So the fact that she must have one that is a few years old is proof that she didn't need any. Maybe the kids have rooms full of good new clothes that fit perfectly. Maybe all their clothes is worn out and doesn't fit anymore. In my mind the vacation is the want. The clothes are the need. So to me saying take them to an expensive sports camp but don't buy them new clothes isn't reasonable. My interpretation could be totally off base but IME it is totally different when you are the parent thinking about all the things they need VS the "Disney" parent, grandma, or friend who gets to buy the fun stuff.
|
|
wvugurl26
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:25:30 GMT -5
Posts: 21,882
|
Post by wvugurl26 on Jul 1, 2015 10:08:16 GMT -5
This is one of those things that probably has way more than one side to it. I'm thinking more like six. Of course budgeting is important but arguing about the cost of things can be tricky. DH always gets shocked and upset when I tell him what I spent on clothes for our kids. Case in point I just got 4 bras for DD for $77 at Macy's. Personally I think that is a screaming deal for good bras. But I know he will think it is crazy expensive because he has never bought any clothes for the kids and barely any for himself. He doesn't care. He would wear the underwear until it was little scraps of cloth hanging onto a stretched out elastic band around his waist. So the fact that she must have one that is a few years old is proof that she didn't need any. Maybe the kids have rooms full of good new clothes that fit perfectly. Maybe all their clothes is worn out and doesn't fit anymore. In my mind the vacation is the want. The clothes are the need. So to me saying take them to an expensive sports camp but don't buy them new clothes isn't reasonable. My interpretation could be totally off base but IME it is totally different when you are the parent thinking about all the things they need VS the "Disney" parent, grandma, or friend who gets to buy the fun stuff. Well I think the bras were a damn good deal. I booked a trip yesterday to Atlanta for work later this month. I have to break out taxes. It was $21.60/night and now there's a new $5/night fee on top of that. So $26.60 per night which adds up over a week. I've got a reservation for two nights somewhere else in September, $47 worth of taxes and fees. Clearly hotel taxes and fees aren't what caused her budget crunch but I've never stayed anywhere that taxes and fees were $10 a night. Normally they are at least $20ish and I've seen up to $30-40/night. Those typically aren't included in the rate per night you see when you book it.
|
|
Robert not Bobby
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 29, 2013 17:45:55 GMT -5
Posts: 1,392
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 10:36:01 GMT -5
Post by Robert not Bobby on Jul 1, 2015 10:36:01 GMT -5
Let's get back to the fundamentals...why is it that we have to budget?
I don't want a thesis...just, say, the top three reasons. Maybe we can learn from each other, hopefully.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 1, 2015 10:38:34 GMT -5
My Mom ran (and still runs) everything. My Dad is perfectly happy to have a secret $100 in his wallet for emergencies and a few dollars for whatever. He's a 'pay cash' guy and I highly doubt he'd have a credit card if it wasn't for Mom. He definitely wouldn't have a debit card. Mom makes sure to use his 1x a year so it doesn't get cancelled. Dad's been retired for 15 years now - but when he worked, he got paid every Thursday. He'd get off work, go to the bank and deposit most of his paycheck into their checking account. He'd keep enough cash to buy work gloves and hit the liquor store. I'm pretty sure Mom wrote out checks for the bills on Thursday nights and got them mailed on Friday. We didn't really do vacations as a kid - we'd drive to Dad's parents house when I was younger and stay up to a week there. When I was around 8, we started going to a relative's cabin for a week in July. Dad really loved that so it was pretty much our de facto vacation from 1978-2000. Fortunately we kids loved it up there too. Treats for that vacation would be 1 round of mini-golf, 1 trip for ice cream and eating out once.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 10:56:06 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2015 10:56:06 GMT -5
Yup, I'm glad I'm done. I remember both kids wanting to go to Space Camp in Georgia. It was too expensive. I said that we were too busy all summer with swim team and playing with the neighborhood kids. When DH's former stepdaughter said her son would like to go, I started laughing and said who wouldn't want to go. She expected DH to offer to pay. Unreal.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 11:03:00 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 1, 2015 11:03:00 GMT -5
Yup, I'm glad I'm done. I remember both kids wanting to go to Space Camp in Georgia. It was too expensive. I said that we were too busy all summer with swim team and playing with the neighborhood kids. When DH's former stepdaughter said her son would like to go, I started laughing and said who wouldn't want to go. She expected DH to offer to pay. Unreal. My Girl Scout troop was planning a trip to DC and I didn't sign up for it. I really wanted to go. Somehow it came up with my parents and I just said we couldn't afford to send me. Dad told me to sign up, we'd find the money. I think it was $125, around 1982. We live in the rust belt and I'm pretty sure that was either when Dad was laid up with his back or laid off and $125 was a LOT of money at that point. And oddly enough, even knowing a bunch of this stuff with my parents, I still went out and ran up my CCs in my early 20s. Then spent my late 20s and early 30s paying it off. ETA - my parents really didn't talk about money or budgets with us. It was more of "we have enough, don't worry. Go play."
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,319
|
Post by andi9899 on Jul 1, 2015 11:56:40 GMT -5
Plus, she lied. Ugh, having been married to a compulsive liar, this is a very bad sign. He was also a compulsive spender. Still is but not my problem anymore. This. The lying, to me, is a way bigger deal than the money. People make mistakes and get caught in a financial bind. It happens. But she straight up lied and did so intentionally. That doesn't sit well with me. I would be willing to bet money that if she cleaned her act up long enough to get a ring and a piece of paper, it wouldn't be long before she was back to the same old tricks. Just my two cents.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,319
|
Post by andi9899 on Jul 1, 2015 11:58:06 GMT -5
No, he assumed it was the hotel/motel tax surcharge, which I then pointed out would only total about $10-20, if that. He said she told him it was for incidentals. She later told him it was shopping. She lied.
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Jul 1, 2015 12:06:52 GMT -5
budgetting misses because of him not really being on board) she turned the keys of running the household over to him. Which included shopping for teen girls. I don't know which of us dreaded that particular shopping trip more, me or him. I finally had mercy on him and told him to wait in the car and I would come get him when it was time to pay. If I remember correctly that was pretty much the tipping point for him to get on board with the hh budget and gladly turned the reigns back over to mom. I have a sailing friend who is the type of guy who's normally barefoot, salty and a little heathen. The other day when I called him, there was loud techno/rock music playing in the background - very NOT him - so I asked where he was. He mumbled something, so I had to ask him to repeat it. Here's how the rest of the conversation went.
Me: What? Where are you? I can barely hear you.
Salty Friend: Um, I'm the only one who is getting along with my 13 year old daughter right now, so um, I'm having to take her jeans shopping. I'm at the mall.
Me: The mall? Wow. Have you ever been before?
Salty Friend: No. [Daughter] had to tell me how to get here. I'm in some store that's really dark and seems to be filled with abnormally good looking young people. Even the boys look like they have their toenails trimmed. It's called "Hollywood" or something like that.
Me: Hollister? Are you in Hollister?
Salty Friend: Sounds right. Uh, wait, [daughter's] saying something.
Mumbling in background...
Me: Did she just say that she brought you another pair? Are you trying stuff on? Please God, tell me you wore shoes today.
Salty Friend: Well... the jeans are on sale. I think I'm gonna get a pair. Don't tell anybody.
Me: Um, OK, just don't get one with the fancy pocket flaps - that's totally not you and you'll look weird. Did you at least find [daughter] any jeans?
Salty Friend: ...pause... oh, right - I knew there was a reason I was in here. It's just so dark and loud, I'm a little disoriented.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2015 13:31:09 GMT -5
She must have a golden you know what.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,319
|
Post by andi9899 on Jul 1, 2015 13:59:50 GMT -5
She must have a golden you know what. It can't be that good.
|
|
saveinla
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 2:00:29 GMT -5
Posts: 5,273
|
Post by saveinla on Jul 1, 2015 14:09:00 GMT -5
She must have a golden you know what. I don't think this comment is really necessary - do you? There are 2 adults trying to work out their issues. She may or may not change and he may or may not stay with her, but this comment is really not relevant to the issue here. YMMV
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 14:16:00 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 1, 2015 14:16:00 GMT -5
deleted after reading saveinla's post.
|
|
quince
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 23, 2011 17:51:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,699
|
Post by quince on Jul 1, 2015 14:35:55 GMT -5
She must have a golden you know what. Or... She must be an amazing person. Compassionate, caring, attentive. Lights up the room when she walks in. Comfortable to be around. Makes it easy to smile. Intelligent and a wonderful conversationalist. AND good in bed. And happens to have some stumbling blocks with how she handles money and honesty after fucking up. Lots of people have issues with a significant other, but stay with them anyway...for more than just sex. Some stay because of inertia or fear of change, but most stay because the awesome outweighs the issues.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 14:45:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2015 14:45:57 GMT -5
Yes, she must be amazing.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Gah!!!
Jul 1, 2015 14:46:15 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by zibazinski on Jul 1, 2015 14:46:15 GMT -5
Awesome, I mean.
|
|
obelisk
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 12, 2014 14:49:16 GMT -5
Posts: 663
|
Post by obelisk on Jul 1, 2015 15:34:12 GMT -5
It is all about the redeeming qualities
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 2:48:08 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 2, 2015 2:48:08 GMT -5
Plus, she lied. Ugh, having been married to a compulsive liar, this is a very bad sign. He was also a compulsive spender. Still is but not my problem anymore. She said 'incidentals', I assumed (yeah, I know what that makes me) she meant hotel costs, later found out that to her, shopping for clothes on vacation is an 'incidental'. My assumption doesn't make her a liar. Honestly, the lamp thing is more annoying. Both lamps in the living room died a few months ago. I'm never in the living room, spend most of my time in the kitchen/dining area, or master bedroom. She said she wanted to replace the lamps, I said I was okay with the natural light that comes into the living room because I'm only in there during the daytime. She goes out and finds lamps she wants and buys them. I'm fine with this, because this is something she wanted, not necessarily something she needed, but she went out and bought it. To her it was a need, to me it was a want. Except I ended up paying for the damn things in the end.
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Jul 2, 2015 2:56:42 GMT -5
She must have a golden you know what. I don't care if you offended some people, this made me laugh my ass off. Partly because of an inside joke from her friends. They claimed one of her GFs had a 'golden P' because of her ability to attract men and get them to do things for her. That friend gave the 'trophy' over to my GF a few months after we started dating. Why? Because I cooked an Italian meal for her from scratch, something no man had done for any of them. If that was all it was, I would have left her by now. Looks are great, sex is great, but you can get bored with both. She's wicked smart (despite her financial blind spot), has a great sense of humor, and is able to tolerate all my foibles (I'm no picnic, I know this).
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 7:55:09 GMT -5
Plus, she lied. Ugh, having been married to a compulsive liar, this is a very bad sign. He was also a compulsive spender. Still is but not my problem anymore. She said 'incidentals', I assumed (yeah, I know what that makes me) she meant hotel costs, later found out that to her, shopping for clothes on vacation is an 'incidental'. My assumption doesn't make her a liar. Honestly, the lamp thing is more annoying. Both lamps in the living room died a few months ago. I'm never in the living room, spend most of my time in the kitchen/dining area, or master bedroom. She said she wanted to replace the lamps, I said I was okay with the natural light that comes into the living room because I'm only in there during the daytime. She goes out and finds lamps she wants and buys them. I'm fine with this, because this is something she wanted, not necessarily something she needed, but she went out and bought it. To her it was a need, to me it was a want. Except I ended up paying for the damn things in the end. We have these fights so I totally understand! I know this is strange but can I tell you what she hears when this goes on? You only go in the living room during the day and not very often so it is fine if there is just enough natural light for you to walk through it. So when she or the kids sits there to read or at night, they are in the dark. So when you said you are fine with there being no working lights she heard you saying you are fine with her sitting in the dark in her own living room. Yeah that wouldn't have flown with me either.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 22:24:51 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 8:08:24 GMT -5
Expensive food, vacations and camps you can't afford.... Not really a need either.
Providing clothes, lighting, and security (what drives her inherent feeling of not favoring one child over another)... Much closer to needs to me than what you pay for....
So... Why are only your priorities what extras go toward in the home?
Again. She should be bringing out her whole financials ... And so should you. And then divy up what it really takes to run the household. (Ask her what SHE was paying for food before you moved in... Or give her the 500-600 for food an see how she spends it) ... And then EACH of you use the cusion that living together creates to save/spend for what you want.
What you are doing is actually very controlling and while I don't agree with manipulation, I can see how it can give way to it on her part.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 2, 2015 8:13:16 GMT -5
What is it about lamps... they are usually stupidly expensive and they cause a lot of disagreements. MrSroo and I seem to have the same thing going on. For some reason when he took out the overhead light fixture in the bedroom to install a ceiling fan, he didn't install the light that came with it. So now we have a bedroom with very little natural light and and two small lamps. Cue disagreement... Me: Hunny... just install the light in the ceiling fan. Him: We can just buy another lamp for the room Me: But lamps are stupidly expensive ---Rant about why and how lamps are expensive and they shouldn't be expensive... and I built one in 8th grade.. maybe I'll build my own goddamn lamp Him: Seriously it's just a lamp Me: Seriously it's just a ceiling fan light fixture that we already own! Him: You know it's not that dark in here Me: am I the only one here who buys the cheapest floor lamp from Target and calls it a day?
|
|
tallguy
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 2, 2011 19:21:59 GMT -5
Posts: 14,563
|
Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 8:18:41 GMT -5
Post by tallguy on Jul 2, 2015 8:18:41 GMT -5
Yeah, I'd go the hand-me-down and garage sale route first.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 8:22:44 GMT -5
I used to buy cheap lamps but I got tired of having to then also buy the shade, which is always more expensive than the lamp, and then having them break down in a year. My parents bought Stiffel lamps that are still working 60 years later.
So I broke down last year and got two tall living room lamps at Boscov's. They retail for $150 each. My biggest problem is table lamps are mostly way too short to use to read from. So the tall ones are pretty pricey. I ended up paying $200 for the pair and they are the right hight and wattage to be useful but I am not exactly happy with them looks wise.
I just refused to sit in the dark.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 8:23:03 GMT -5
Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 2, 2015 8:23:03 GMT -5
when X and I moved in together, we got 2 floor lamps from Target for about $10 each. That was in 2008, and they are still going strong!
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Gah!!!
Jul 2, 2015 8:26:28 GMT -5
Post by 973beachbum on Jul 2, 2015 8:26:28 GMT -5
when X and I moved in together, we got 2 floor lamps from Target for about $10 each. That was in 2008, and they are still going strong! That must have been a clearance thing because I have looked and haven't seen a price like that in years! While I hate floor lamps on account of them being knocked over by people and dogs I would have bought one for that price. I just never saw one for less than $60 bucks at which point I may as well just get the table lamp I wanted.
|
|