Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 19, 2015 11:00:16 GMT -5
I'm not a lawyer but in my state (so I'm told by friends who have gone through a divorce) retirement accounts belong to the contributor if both spouses worked full time. DH and I do not live in a community property state. Basically (as I understand it) on joint assets each party gets a shared based on what they contributed to the acquisition of it during the marriage. This makes it easier for me I guess because there is no assumption that everything will be split evenly. Very early in our marriage I explained this to DH and made sure he knew it was in his best interest to contribute as much to his retirement accounts as do I. Since I make more that means I'm contributing about 15% of pre-tax (but mostly on a post tax basis) and he is contributing about 35% of his pre-tax. Yes, his take home is reduced substantially but we have more than enough to live on comfortably. Honestly, it makes me kinda sad to hear the focus is more on protecting ourselves rather than trying to protect and be fair to our spouse. Yannow? The person we are supposed to love and with whom we promised to spend our lives?My marriage has been far from perfect, but DH and I have always had each others backs. That works great if both people are doing it. However, if only one person is doing it, that one person is in a very precarious position.
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quince
Senior Member
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Post by quince on May 19, 2015 14:45:21 GMT -5
My ex boyfriend had his relationship with me end, but I was the same person that it started with? I supported him for half a year after while he got his bearings, and helped him when he needed it, and was the person he put down as contact for medical purposes. He even asked me to be his POA, but I had moved by then. I figure if my flawed self can be nice, my paragon of a husband probably will. Also, I feel like I would get some notice- it wouldn't be an overnight shift to douchiness unless he had a traumatic brain injury: and in that case, my ducks would be gotten in a row even while we tried to work out our issues.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:23:26 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2015 14:48:37 GMT -5
I'm guessing he had first hand experience with a relationship in which money was used as power (in addition to other things ). His parents?
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milee
Senior Associate
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Post by milee on May 19, 2015 14:52:03 GMT -5
My ex boyfriend had his relationship with me end, but I was the same person that it started with? I supported him for half a year after while he got his bearings, and helped him when he needed it, and was the person he put down as contact for medical purposes. He even asked me to be his POA, but I had moved by then. I figure if my flawed self can be nice, my paragon of a husband probably will. Also, I feel like I would get some notice- it wouldn't be an overnight shift to douchiness unless he had a traumatic brain injury: and in that case, my ducks would be gotten in a row even while we tried to work out our issues. You sound like a very together person who has a very together husband.
I'm very, very glad you're that person and you're with someone like that. But I also think there are times when people do change. And although it's not necessarily an overnight shift to douchiness, sometimes it's like that story about a frog being slowly boiled... the idea is that the temperature increases so slowly that the frog doesn't feel the incremental discomfort and doesn't realize that s/he is in danger and needs to jump out. The changes can be gradual and adjusted to, but when you look back and compare what you're living with now - it's very different than what you started with. For some people, anyway.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:23:26 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2015 15:29:13 GMT -5
If people didn't change (or maybe not change, but just reveal their true colors), then I'm guessing a lot of divorces would never come to be. Plus divorce is tough and anger and hurt can turn normal, rational people into the "crazy ex".
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resolution
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Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:09:56 GMT -5
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Post by resolution on May 19, 2015 15:41:36 GMT -5
I think at times the relationships themselves can create change in people. I had one boyfriend with a crazy ex, and after he moved in and was living with me for a while, I started having all kinds of crazy thoughts and impulses that I had never experienced before.
Fortunately I got him moved back out before I actually acted on any of it, but it was very disconcerting to see myself change from my normal very stable and calm self. If I hadn't done anything to put a stop to it, I could have easily turned into one of those people that moves from drama to drama.
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quince
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 23, 2011 17:51:12 GMT -5
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Post by quince on May 19, 2015 15:54:05 GMT -5
My ex boyfriend had his relationship with me end, but I was the same person that it started with? I supported him for half a year after while he got his bearings, and helped him when he needed it, and was the person he put down as contact for medical purposes. He even asked me to be his POA, but I had moved by then. I figure if my flawed self can be nice, my paragon of a husband probably will. Also, I feel like I would get some notice- it wouldn't be an overnight shift to douchiness unless he had a traumatic brain injury: and in that case, my ducks would be gotten in a row even while we tried to work out our issues. You sound like a very together person who has a very together husband.
I'm very, very glad you're that person and you're with someone like that. But I also think there are times when people do change. And although it's not necessarily an overnight shift to douchiness, sometimes it's like that story about a frog being slowly boiled... the idea is that the temperature increases so slowly that the frog doesn't feel the incremental discomfort and doesn't realize that s/he is in danger and needs to jump out. The changes can be gradual and adjusted to, but when you look back and compare what you're living with now - it's very different than what you started with. For some people, anyway.
I do get that. That's why employed or not, I will always have assets that are in my name only, not that they wouldn't be considered upon separation, but I won't be left (temporarily) high and dry while things are sorted out. Also, even when not employed, my retirement is contributed to, and the balance of assets held in my own name keeps rising. (So, really, my husband is wonderful and would never do that to me, but just in case, I totally trust him and am looking out for his best interests, and it is in his best interest that I feel secure, no matter what happens. )
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8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 22, 2015 6:35:46 GMT -5
The point about people protecting themselves is spot on -- doubly so depending on what preceded the divorce. Personally, my rationale here is that divorce is the absolute end-game nuclear option in which every other possible mitigating alternative has been thoroughly attempted, and has completely failed.
In other words, for me, that means that everything I've given, sacrificed, done... (which in my opinion, was quite a fair bit)... was still not enough.
So yeah... if we end up there, it means there wasn't a compromise good enough to avoid it, and its time to put myself first.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2015 6:37:47 GMT -5
Divorce is always up to you.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2015 6:38:07 GMT -5
I meant to say isn't
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on May 25, 2015 7:22:01 GMT -5
I have divorced twice - first with kids and he wanted the single life back. Second, thankfully no kids together and kids from previous marriages were at the root of all our problems. Mine were good kids (as good as kids can be!) his child was not. He also resented the fact I had custody of my kids and he didn't. My first ex paid child support but not a penny more. We made basically the same amount of money although I always made more than him, but not a huge disparity between us. I was fine after we divorced, and actually better off because I wasn't out spending money trying to make him happy. The second ex and I made about the same, although I did make a little more. I was worried when we broke up because we had more debt than the first ex and I did, but things were fine. Also better off financially when I made all the decisions. And that was with my DD headed off to college when we split. And whoever said in their post that just because a kid turns 18 doesn't mean they are officially off your payroll is so true. I think I spent more trying to help them out this last year than I did before. But thankfully that is coming to an end this summer. I was able to keep my retirement in tact through both divorces. We agreed to leave each other's retirement alone. Thankfully, because I can retire in three years, move to another state, and not be affected by a reduction in my retirement.
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