mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Feb 5, 2015 21:02:31 GMT -5
I admit to my powerlessness here - I am depressed. I have Depression. And it's affecting my work, how my boss views me, everything, and it's getting worse - can't focus or communicate smoothly. I need to work; I'm only 55. DH has yet another surgery on his foot/ankle Thursday, another round in the fight begun last July. Unbelievable. I've mentioned to my boss that I tend to depression before, but not owned up to this sludge stopping me. And I'm a project manager in IT. In healthcare. So WWYD? I do have a shrink, who helps a lot; seen him for years. But it takes time. And I just can't propel myself forward right now. are you on any medication for this? if not, have you tried st. john's wort? but be careful of any photosensitivity side effects if you try it. Make sure you take a walk in the sunshine every day. Focus on the basics: exercise, rest, daily shower/bath etc. Best wishes to you. St. John's Wort can be helpful for some; however, be very, very careful with this one if you decide to try it. Be SURE to mention it to your doctor before you take it as it can cause real problems if taken concurrently with some medications.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Feb 5, 2015 21:05:29 GMT -5
finnime, I understand the birthday situation, my son lives in S Korea, sometimes he remembers sometimes not. I think his wife does more then he.
My husband for 15 years has been home for very few holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries and its not funny believe me, I know the feeling. It may not be much consolation but others go through that too.
Oh and my son will be 46 this year and daughter 44. She is all about her period, I have been getting told for the last month or so how much she hates me, I don't want her, she doesn't need me in her life, I ruined her life, yada, yada, you know all those things that make you feel so good after devoting your life to them. Then she may come and say she loves me, then bam the other way again.
Life sure isn't what we envisioned it to be is it? I do agree that some people need medical intervention and just thinking happy won't do it.
I wish I could do or say something to help, just know someone truly understands where you are coming from. Hang tough, lady. You know, when I seen grown adults still blaming their lives on others, that is pathetic. If you are 18 and your life has issues, yeah, maybe you can 'blame' your parents or whomever. If you are 44 and still saying that, that's on you! Pat's daughter suffers William's Syndrome, Shooby. She's 44 chronologically.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 5, 2015 21:09:18 GMT -5
@patstab please don't take this the wrong way, but I want to share what my aunt went through with her youngest son. He, like your DD has developmental issues and aunt and uncle tried to keep DC (dear cousin) at home. Uncle died and aunt really couldn't do it anymore at a certain point -she was into her 70s by then. So she went and looked for a housing solution for DC. She found something she felt good about and DC moved there. It took DC almost 2 years, but by then he finally "went home" after visiting aunt. My aunt has been saying for years now that she should have done this earlier, but even though she waited longer then she should have (her words) she is glad that ultimately she took this step. Now in her late 80s she also admits that it gives her great peace of mind to know that when she is no longer alive DC will be in a safe and familiar environment. Whether you are, or ever will be ready, for a step like this I don't know, but it is something you may really want to consider. I admire you for all you do and have done for your family and I hope that you'll find some way to reach a period in your life where you can focus on the one person you have shorted all this time: yourself
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Feb 6, 2015 1:14:37 GMT -5
You know, when I seen grown adults still blaming their lives on others, that is pathetic. If you are 18 and your life has issues, yeah, maybe you can 'blame' your parents or whomever. If you are 44 and still saying that, that's on you! You DO realize that Pats' daughter has Williams Syndrome, right?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Feb 6, 2015 3:24:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry that some of you are going through a tough time. I've never suffered with depression but I know how horrible it is for people. I saw my very happy up-beat neighbor get hit by it when her daughter was having nightmares and sleep issues. It threw her in a tail spin like I've never seen. She went on meds that pulled her through but it was tough going for her for a few months. Wishing you all the best and that you find the right solutions for a healthy and happy life soon.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 6, 2015 7:49:42 GMT -5
Is there anyone you can hire to watch her or any adult daycares? If they'd take a guy with dementia, they'd certainly take someone that just needs some supervision. The sad thing is that these people now live longer and outlive their parents thanks to health care improvement but then what? No support after that for those who have to care for them
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 6, 2015 8:53:12 GMT -5
I've been ready for a long time. We had her in a private group home some years back. We had invested a lot of money in it but it didn't work out so I brought her home.
It has to happen, but I still have to find something suitable, I'm not just sticking her anywhere. I have to start all over in this state again. It's going to happen if we have to take money out of the bank and place her privately for awhile. She definitely needs someplace settled before we pass on. That's one of the reasons we came back. I don't expect help from family, I do hope some will look in on her occasionally to make sure she has decent clothing and things, we intend to leave money in a trust for those kinds of things. My husband has some cousins who will likely do that if son isn't around. If not we may be able to get a local attorney and his wife to oversee some of that for her. They know my husband and are good people. We were afraid to leave her at the whims of the state of Texas, of course now Indiana is getting as bad, but at least there will be some people with some interest we hope.
And yes shooby, she is mentally challenged with perhaps a 60 IQ in some areas, lower in others. She can read a little and write some, math is beyond her. She can get around on the computer but she cannot take care of herself, be left alone but maybe doing the day. She can use a microwave if I cook the food and leave it for her. Cannot be left alone with meds and now is having severe emotional issues for some reason, not determined. But from conversing with other parents of older Williams they are starting to have these issues to though I think hers might be a bit more severe. But she is almost the oldest so far.
Also these young adults do not want to be with other disabled people, they consider themselves above it but cannot fit with normal people. It kills them, they are on the outside looking in and that's all they can do. My daughter says she will never have a family or someone that loves her, she knows this. I think ever once in awhile it overwhelms her and she can't deal with it. It's a cruel syndrome believe me. The ones that aren't cognizant in my opinion, are actually better off. Pat - is she possibly going though early menopause? OR it's a hormonal change?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 6, 2015 9:06:34 GMT -5
You know, when I seen grown adults still blaming their lives on others, that is pathetic. If you are 18 and your life has issues, yeah, maybe you can 'blame' your parents or whomever. If you are 44 and still saying that, that's on you! You DO realize that Pats' daughter has Williams Syndrome, right?I wasn't addressing Pat. I made a general statement.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 6, 2015 9:59:32 GMT -5
You DO realize that Pats' daughter has Williams Syndrome, right? I wasn't addressing Pat. I made a general statement. So, quoting someone and using information (age of her daughter, 44) out of said quote is a "general" statement huh? Because not quoting her and saying something like "if you're over 25 it is time to stop blaming the parents" was just too hard?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 10:14:41 GMT -5
I've been pretty depressed lately. My head is not a good place to live right now. Yesterday rubbed salt in the wound. I had a really hard time getting myself out of bed this morning because what's the point? It's just one more day closer to losing my job, it's one more day where I have to sit and see a PhD candidate in the lab that apparently my boss can afford yet he can't afford to pay me for the rest of the year.
Then I've been sick. Abby has been sick and now Dh has contracted what we have. I am worried about him because he's dealing with being on methotrexate and it screws with your immune system, so he could end up A LOT sicker than I am.
I suppose the bright side is at least we all get sick while we still have my insurance.
I try to remind myself that every decision I made has lead me to DH, Abby and Gwen. I wouldn't give them up for anything.
Sometimes that helps. I tried to cheer myself up today by wearing shoes that normally make me smile every time I look at them but it isn't working.
I'd love to figure out how to "take charge" but all of this is out of my control. I can't make my lab get funding, I can't make HR departments review my resume, give me an interview and hire me. I can't make Abby well, I can't make myself well, I can make our prescription insurance cut the crap and approve Humira, I can't make DH feel better.
I just want to cry, but I can't because now there is someone else in the lab who can see me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 6, 2015 10:28:29 GMT -5
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 6, 2015 10:48:23 GMT -5
I'd love to figure out how to "take charge" but all of this is out of my control.
I just want to cry, but I can't because now there is someone else in the lab who can see me. i'm sorry for your pain.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 6, 2015 10:50:42 GMT -5
Depression is just mean. You feel less capable of getting shit done but you are supposed to add a whole bunch of stuff to your daily life to get better. I try to remind myself on bad days that stress changes your focus so some things that seem really important and overwhelming just aren't. I read once to use the 10 question to see if something is worth doing or not - Will I regret this is ten minutes, 10 months, or ten years if I do/don't do it? Sometimes it helps me prioritize. Pat - Depression is mean. Yes. And having to do more kicking when the mud at the bottom has your legs stuck - can't do it, today.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 6, 2015 10:53:33 GMT -5
Yep, that's what I'm afraid of, no time for hubby and I after all this with DD and my mom and also his mom too. I WANT time for us, and man we are running the clock out. It's getting short. I get depressed believe me but I am fighting it all the way.
Has the time has come to set a date, Pat, for you, your DD and DH? To change your life into the next stage.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 10:54:33 GMT -5
I've been trying to have a stiff upper lip and tell myself that I wanted out of academia so maybe this isn't so bad and making plans financially. We'll be all right, we won't be great but we'll be all right for awhile.
But then in walks the PhD candidate. WHERE is the money for this person coming from?! And he is going to be here a whole year. How is there funding for this but no funding for me?
It really drove home that I am just a lowly technician. 5 years of dedicated service in the lab doesn't mean squat, I am expendable. PhD candidates are a lot more shiny because they can potentially bring grant money into the lab. Plus he is Chinese and the COP is trying to create an exchange program with China right now. My boss is spearheading the program so political points are scored.
For me this is supposed to be expected because I work on grant money and I need to accept it. My boss doesn't owe me anything at all, I am honestly not even sure if he put in a word for me with clinical research like he said. He's certainly not working on editing my manuscript like he promised, even though it'd be a huge feather in my cap to sell to other employers.
I'm worthless now, that's pretty much been made crystal clear. If there wasn't the miniscule chance we could get funding to last the year I would have told him to F off yesterday when I was expected to be the PhD candidate's maid and make his workplace all clean/shiny. You know what he's got a YEAR to clean off the shelves if he wants them badly enough. In 2.5 months I am going to be unemployed and lose my insurance coverage. Bite me.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Feb 6, 2015 11:17:28 GMT -5
Not sure I have the best coping mechanisms to share. Currently just taking one day at a time. Today is a pretty good day. Killer test I had yesterday is done. My mom's BP medication has been adjusted and she seems a lot better. The big "D" hits me more when I try to plan too much in the future (kids' school choice, getting back into the workforce). Today, though, I'm going to relax a bit, putter around the house doing little chores, and maybe even do an exercise video again.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 6, 2015 11:31:57 GMT -5
I'm worthless now, that's pretty much been made crystal clear. If there wasn't the miniscule chance we could get funding to last the year I would have told him to F off yesterday when I was expected to be the PhD candidate's maid and make his workplace all clean/shiny. You know what he's got a YEAR to clean off the shelves if he wants them badly enough. In 2.5 months I am going to be unemployed and lose my insurance coverage. Bite me. From my perspective, anger will do you good - it helps energize and focus. (Sometimes, feeling anything is better than not feeling.)
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 6, 2015 11:38:09 GMT -5
Drama - and (Abby won't mind, really) and (that's your boss there) Can you give remind the boss that since you're being laid off at the end of April, you'd like the manuscript edited and returned to you by Easter? And is there someone else who can edit it? I'm not sure if this is editing for content or for grammar/spelling, which is why I'm asking. I'm assuming that a lot of people could do the editing for grammar/spelling. Content is probably a different story.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 11:39:21 GMT -5
If I had somewhere to direct it, I would agree being angry can be helpful. But there have been no jobs to apply and I can't quit, if I quit I don't qualify for unemployment. I can't tell my boss to bite me because at some point a potential employer may call. And there is that miniscule chance we might get funding so I don't want to burn bridges.
So I am just sitting here pissed off and depressed.
I did consider licking their telephones so I could share with them the joys of whatever it is I contracted from my little zombie plague carrier.
Can you give remind the boss that since you're being laid off at the end of April, you'd like the manuscript edited and returned to you by Easter? And is there someone else who can edit
I remind him daily. And no there isn't someone else who can edit because it's about content, he needs to add the analysis portion of our results and he was going to do some more statistical work. I can't do that part.
This isn't shocking, it happens all the time. He's already second author so it doesn't really matter for him what happens with the paper.
My friend who is about to graduate with her PhD has the same problem. Her PI has FIVE of her papers sitting on his desk waiting to be edited and approved. .
They don't have to worry, so they don't. They aren't under any obligation to get our papers back to us in a timely fashion. In fact they have every right to "steal" the paper from us because we're employees and they are the PI. That happens A LOT.
I'm already an author on it so I can at least claim that credit. I wanted to bump up the list though and be able to put I have a paper I wrote published.
It's really irritating and hurtful that I am not even getting that much consideration when I've busted my butt as the solo employee in this lab for 4.5 years
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 6, 2015 11:45:41 GMT -5
It seems almost like he's trying to sabotage you.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 11:49:33 GMT -5
It's common industry practice. A lot of PIs have their staff/students write all their papers for them and do all the work then take the credit. It's their right as the primary investigator to do so because without them there wouldn't be a lab.
So while it pisses me off that I can't even get the consideration of having my manuscript proofed in a timely fashion it's not entirely shocking either. Either way he's set because he's second author on the paper and designed the experiment.
I'm the one that directly benefits and since he's not getting anything out of me after April there is no rush to keep me happy.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 6, 2015 11:50:58 GMT -5
I'm sorry Drama. That may be how it works but it doesn't seem fair/right.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 11:53:14 GMT -5
No it's not but I am not going to gain any points by trying to fight entrenched habits. That's just going to make me more depressed. I'm better off right now trying to focus on getting another job and what I am going to do if I don't have one lined up before May.
DH had a few choice words about everything going on last night that's for sure.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Feb 6, 2015 11:55:56 GMT -5
I'm sorry DQ they suck.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 12:06:38 GMT -5
It's one of the reasons I want out of academia. I understand these types of things can happen anywhere but the entire academic system is geared towards behavior like this and I am so done with it.
So while I am depressed about the situation DH is right, this drives home that my instinct to leave academia is spot on and he encouraged me to listen to it.
The universe must have heard that I am ready to cause an RSV epidemic so it threw me a bone. Clinical Research just called, I have an interview on Monday.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 6, 2015 13:45:47 GMT -5
Eeeeewwww! Don't do that!!! You'd get all his cooties too. Just use a tissue to cough into for the next couple of hours and then rub it over his phone. That way it will be a one-way-infection-transmission process
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 6, 2015 13:48:38 GMT -5
Just use a tissue to cough into for the next couple of hours and then rub it over his phone
I like the way you think.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 8, 2015 13:26:44 GMT -5
I'm thinking of telling my manager tomorrow that major depression is dogging me due to number of stressors, and that I will / do need some time off - a week or so.
I'm afraid he'll judge me harshly for this, but more afraid if I don't that he'll decide I'm an unmotivated mess.
My benefits include full pay for sick time, with no days limit for salaried employees as of this calendar year. Or I may need to call it PTO.
We'll see what happens next.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2015 13:55:13 GMT -5
I'm thinking of telling my manager tomorrow that major depression is dogging me due to number of stressors, and that I will / do need some time off - a week or so. I'm afraid he'll judge me harshly for this, but more afraid if I don't that he'll decide I'm an unmotivated mess. My benefits include full pay for sick time, with no days limit for salaried employees as of this calendar year. Or I may need to call it PTO. We'll see what happens next. I don't know what the environment is like where you work, but for me, with my particular job, I'd be wary of giving my manager too much information. What I would do is have my treating physician fill out the FMLA paperwork for my condition (depression). I always make sure my doctors only include the minimally necessary information on forms for my employer. Completed FMLA forms are sent by the employee to a specific department (actually in another state), my direct supervisors and managers don't get to see them. All they can see in the computer system is that I have an approved case, and when and/or how often it will/might be used. If I thought I really needed some time off work because of my depression, I'd talk to my treating physician about it and ask them to take me off work. That way, I don't have to explain anything to my manager, just give them documentation from my doctor saying I need to be off work for x amount of time for medical reasons. And since it's due to an ongoing condition that requires further treatment and Dr visits and I would be off work more than 3 days, it's covered under FMLA guidelines, meaning my boss can't technically hold the absence against me. I would do things that way because people get weird about depression sometimes and a lot of people are just ignorant when it comes to depression. I wouldn't want to deal with feeling like my manager thinks less of me or that I can "just snap out of it" if I want to, or whatever, because I'm clinically depressed, when I'm already struggling with the depression in the first place. But again, that's me and where I work. You have to handle it the way you think is best for your particular situation and workplace.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 8, 2015 14:16:57 GMT -5
I'm thinking of telling my manager tomorrow that major depression is dogging me due to number of stressors, and that I will / do need some time off - a week or so. I'm afraid he'll judge me harshly for this, but more afraid if I don't that he'll decide I'm an unmotivated mess. My benefits include full pay for sick time, with no days limit for salaried employees as of this calendar year. Or I may need to call it PTO. We'll see what happens next. I don't know what the environment is like where you work, but for me, with my particular job, I'd be wary of giving my manager too much information. What I would do is have my treating physician fill out the FMLA paperwork for my condition (depression). I always make sure my doctors only include the minimally necessary information on forms for my employer. Completed FMLA forms are sent by the employee to a specific department (actually in another state), my direct supervisors and managers don't get to see them. All they can see in the computer system is that I have an approved case, and when and/or how often it will/might be used. If I thought I really needed some time off work because of my depression, I'd talk to my treating physician about it and ask them to take me off work. That way, I don't have to explain anything to my manager, just give them documentation from my doctor saying I need to be off work for x amount of time for medical reasons. And since it's due to an ongoing condition that requires further treatment and Dr visits and I would be off work more than 3 days, it's covered under FMLA guidelines, meaning my boss can't technically hold the absence against me. I would do things that way because people get weird about depression sometimes and a lot of people are just ignorant when it comes to depression. I wouldn't want to deal with feeling like my manager thinks less of me or that I can "just snap out of it" if I want to, or whatever, because I'm clinically depressed, when I'm already struggling with the depression in the first place. But again, that's me and where I work. You have to handle it the way you think is best for your particular situation and workplace. Pink, Exactly. I am concerned about this - but don't know a better way to explain my less than stellar performance lately. I don't want my relationship with my manager to suffer more than it must. I wish I could just say "health reasons" or "medical reasons" but not sure that would fly. I've been taking FML intermittently to care for my DH, too, so it's getting complicated. I work for a large, private sector, healthcare system. Depression is not well understood; there is a definite stigma. ugh
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