finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 4, 2015 9:34:01 GMT -5
That - that is one thing I fear. It may be too late already; my work performance has been sliding and I am really uncomfortable about it being tolerated for too long by my boss. Is it worse to give him more candid information and let the chips fall where they may, or just keep trudging on and hope to not lose it all? In my case (gov't IT), it was better to tell my bosses. They knew something was up, this put it on the table. It also meant that they felt they could ask questions (did you visit EAP, have you looked into FMLA? etc.), to a limited extent. Plus they cut me a bit of slack, when they could. Ah, thanks, Wisconsin. I think I need to do something - but there is a lot of fear. I've taken intermittent FML to attend to my husband. Somehow it's okay to have a physical issue, especially for a spouse, but this mental stuff - don't know how people in the world take it.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 4, 2015 9:35:32 GMT -5
I'm linking to thebloggess' main post on depression. She has a list toward the end of things to consider. But mostly I like both her humor and her tagline, "Depression lies". It covers so much in two words... thebloggess.com/2014/01/strange-and-beautiful/It's hard to function when your brain is working against you. Are you in a northerly climate/haven't seen the sun much lately? Vitamin D should be pretty easy to try. And keeping your medication balanced can be a struggle but is definitely worthwhile. We're rooting for you. This is really good. I thank you.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 4, 2015 9:37:36 GMT -5
I thought of a few other things that I REALLY need to get back to doing..
1). Staying present 2) Only concentrating on the things that are within my control.
Right now, I am spinning my wheels and making poor use of my time because I'm focused on things I can't control instead of just taking care of the things I need to. I'm also procrastinating something fierce, which is negatively affecting me.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Feb 4, 2015 9:38:49 GMT -5
I'm sorry it hits you, too, but it helps to know you how you move through it. Has your work been affected? Yes, it has. I can look at mistakes I make at work and almost inevitably they occur during a time I was either depressed, dealing with a stressful family issue, or sometimes, both. I have a hard time focusing on what needs to be done and end up letting things slip. One thing that helps when I know I need to buckle down is to use headphones to listen to music. This helps keep me from being distracted by what's going on around me because I don't hear other's chit chatting as they walk by my door or when they are in my boss's office. February is the month I always have a spell. It may be related to SAD or just because a lot of my most unpleasant memories originated in the month of February or March. But once I realized that I was always getting depressed in February/March, I started paying closer attention to my thoughts and actions and found ways to adjust my mood. I was thinking on the way in this morning that it was "that time of year" again. Instead of giving in to "the inevitable" though, I'm making plans to do things for myself. One other thing that's helping this year is that I've also finally realized that those memories that I used to let bring me down are just that, memories of things past. Those things can't be changed and if I'm really honest with myself, are no longer worth my energy because neither myself or anyone else really cares about them anymore.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 4, 2015 9:46:50 GMT -5
Why can't I just work - why do I have to be cheerful, too?!! STOP trying to be cheerful because others expect you to - it just causes resentment on your part and can make your depression worse. I absolutely hate when others around me expect me to be Miss Mary Sunshine all the time. That's not my personality for one and two, I have suffered from mild depression since adolescence. If I feel down, I feel down and pretending I don't to make someone else feel better about themselves does nothing but make me feel worse. If you feel stressed out and down, accept that you feel that way and allow yourself some time to wallow. For me it really helped when I started allowing myself to have down periods and once I did, the worst spells subsided more quickly. Whenever a spell hits, I give myself one day to wallow. I found that by doing that, I usually worked through whatever it was that was making me feel down within a couple of hours. Instead of the internal battle of feeling down and telling myself I shouldn't because of this, that, or the other, I accept that there may be no exact reason for feeling depressed and that I just do. Once the pressure of having to find a reason for my mood is gone, I can think more logically and work through whatever may have triggered the spell. I'd also suggest taking a day off from work and family and do something that is just for you. If you want to stay home and be a couch potato do it. If you want to stay home and catch up on chores, then do that. No matter what you do just make sure its something YOU want to do and not something you feel you need to do for someone else. And if it's not your time to wallow, you should try not to feel guilty/bad/whatever if you end up being a couch potato. Easier typed than done, I know. Looking back, I think for me, one of my turning points was a Target run. An author I enjoyed had a newish book out that I hadn't read. I bought the book and then went to a nearby fast food place and got lunch and sat and read for over an hour. I had a sort of sunny spot by a window. We were so damn broke at that point, due to DH's health issues and day care that spending $15 on a hardcover book for me was a big deal (I had gift cards to cover the meal) but I basically shut my brain off about the money and taking the time to do something just for me. I just did it but I can't tell you how.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Feb 4, 2015 9:47:49 GMT -5
All I can say is talk to your doctor, which it sounds like yore doing. If the meds aren't working, tell your doc so they can make adjustments or try something else.
Hang in there, I know it's tough. I have had depression before. Just know that people out there care about you and want to see you suceedd, this message board among them.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 4, 2015 9:50:11 GMT -5
Finn, I just started walking again this week (mostly because my blood pressure is up). Do you like walking, or are there any sports you've participated in the past that you'd enjoy doing again. Maybe golf, tennis or bowling? (I'm trying to think of sports that are still fun after age 40...) I agree that physical activity makes ME feel better! I used to walk. When I was younger, I even ran a few miles a day (slloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww run). I stopped for the most part when my dog died last April. Sounds like a bad country song, doesn't it? - my love lives on (my sadness grows) once she, my dog died - my love lives on (my sadness grows ... Not sure if they have it in your area, but around here the Humane Society and animal control locations desperately need volunteers to come walk dogs. Maybe doing that would not only give you your dog fix, but keep you motivated to do it and also make you feel like you're contributing?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 4, 2015 9:53:36 GMT -5
In my case (gov't IT), it was better to tell my bosses. They knew something was up, this put it on the table. It also meant that they felt they could ask questions (did you visit EAP, have you looked into FMLA? etc.), to a limited extent. Plus they cut me a bit of slack, when they could. Ah, thanks, Wisconsin. I think I need to do something - but there is a lot of fear. I've taken intermittent FML to attend to my husband. Somehow it's okay to have a physical issue, especially for a spouse, but this mental stuff - don't know how people in the world take it. It's hard. It's really really really hard. What I found is that once I started talking about it to my family and friends - it is WAY more common to know someone with some kind of depression than not. Oh, not everyone is/has suffered from depression but their spouse may have or a sibling/cousin/inlaw that they're relatively close to HAS. It's just not talked about although that's changing.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Feb 4, 2015 9:59:37 GMT -5
I struggled with depression in the past. The one thing my therapist told me that gave me some traction was to "make plans for yourself".
When the days are short in the winter and your responsibilities are long, it is very easy to lose yourself in the daily grind. I made small short term plans for myself, such as "on Tuesday I will visit a store I am interested in". I also made long term plans such as " DH and I will plan a vacation together and will actually go by such and such a date".
Making plans for yourself and for your future gets your brain working with something to plan for and something to look forward to. This gives your brain less time to worry and fret over things you have no control over.
This kind of thinking forces you to put your desires and needs on the front burner. When is the last time you can say your needs were put first?
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Feb 4, 2015 10:08:32 GMT -5
STOP trying to be cheerful because others expect you to - it just causes resentment on your part and can make your depression worse. I absolutely hate when others around me expect me to be Miss Mary Sunshine all the time. That's not my personality for one and two, I have suffered from mild depression since adolescence. If I feel down, I feel down and pretending I don't to make someone else feel better about themselves does nothing but make me feel worse. If you feel stressed out and down, accept that you feel that way and allow yourself some time to wallow. For me it really helped when I started allowing myself to have down periods and once I did, the worst spells subsided more quickly. Whenever a spell hits, I give myself one day to wallow. I found that by doing that, I usually worked through whatever it was that was making me feel down within a couple of hours. Instead of the internal battle of feeling down and telling myself I shouldn't because of this, that, or the other, I accept that there may be no exact reason for feeling depressed and that I just do. Once the pressure of having to find a reason for my mood is gone, I can think more logically and work through whatever may have triggered the spell. I'd also suggest taking a day off from work and family and do something that is just for you. If you want to stay home and be a couch potato do it. If you want to stay home and catch up on chores, then do that. No matter what you do just make sure its something YOU want to do and not something you feel you need to do for someone else. And if it's not your time to wallow, you should try not to feel guilty/bad/whatever if you end up being a couch potato. Easier typed than done, I know. Looking back, I think for me, one of my turning points was a Target run. An author I enjoyed had a newish book out that I hadn't read. I bought the book and then went to a nearby fast food place and got lunch and sat and read for over an hour. I had a sort of sunny spot by a window. We were so damn broke at that point, due to DH's health issues and day care that spending $15 on a hardcover book for me was a big deal (I had gift cards to cover the meal) but I basically shut my brain off about the money and taking the time to do something just for me. I just did it but I can't tell you how. I had to do something similar a few weeks ago. Work was stressing me out, seeming to always have DGD on my days off was stressing me out, my mother's health has been iffy so I've been trying to do more for her on top of keeping DGD......so many things were demanding my attention I couldn't think straight. So one night after DD2 got home from work, I told her I needed to get out. I hadn't eaten yet so I stopped at Arby's, got something I wanted, and sat in a booth with my Kindle for a while and started reading a book I downloaded back in the Fall. Just one hour to myself and not having to do for someone else made a world of difference.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 4, 2015 10:18:46 GMT -5
And if it's not your time to wallow, you should try not to feel guilty/bad/whatever if you end up being a couch potato. Easier typed than done, I know. Looking back, I think for me, one of my turning points was a Target run. An author I enjoyed had a newish book out that I hadn't read. I bought the book and then went to a nearby fast food place and got lunch and sat and read for over an hour. I had a sort of sunny spot by a window. We were so damn broke at that point, due to DH's health issues and day care that spending $15 on a hardcover book for me was a big deal (I had gift cards to cover the meal) but I basically shut my brain off about the money and taking the time to do something just for me. I just did it but I can't tell you how. I had to do something similar a few weeks ago. Work was stressing me out, seeming to always have DGD on my days off was stressing me out, my mother's health has been iffy so I've been trying to do more for her on top of keeping DGD......so many things were demanding my attention I couldn't think straight. So one night after DD2 got home from work, I told her I needed to get out. I hadn't eaten yet so I stopped at Arby's, got something I wanted, and sat in a booth with my Kindle for a while and started reading a book I downloaded back in the Fall. Just one hour to myself and not having to do for someone else made a world of difference. It really can make such a difference to have time to yourself. Not having to get up for anyone/anything. Some days I swear I'm just a ball in a pinball machine - careening around to everyone else's needs but my own.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 4, 2015 10:20:03 GMT -5
In my case (gov't IT), it was better to tell my bosses. They knew something was up, this put it on the table. It also meant that they felt they could ask questions (did you visit EAP, have you looked into FMLA? etc.), to a limited extent. Plus they cut me a bit of slack, when they could. Ah, thanks, Wisconsin. I think I need to do something - but there is a lot of fear. I've taken intermittent FML to attend to my husband. Somehow it's okay to have a physical issue, especially for a spouse, but this mental stuff - don't know how people in the world take it. No, I am willing to bet the people around you know taking care of your husband takes a toll on you physically. My Mom cared for my Dad for years. He passed last January, and people still ask how she is doing. People generally have a lot of respect for the caregivers among us. Many have been through similar with Mother, Father, Grandparents or siblings. They may feel they want to do the same for their loved ones, or they are never going to do what you have done.
Most of the Men in my family have made it know they will not care for a family member like my Mother did.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 4, 2015 10:20:34 GMT -5
Big hugs! I recently broke down and got on medication too, because I just couldn't keep fighting against myself to get through the slump. It's gotten quite a bit better in just a couple of weeks! I have some friends that work at Brain Balance, and they also suggested using a probiotic, cutting out sugar, and cutting out gluten. In the first two days doing that I felt like my head was FINALLY out of the fog. It's been about 10 days now and even with not sleeping well due to 2 sick kiddos I still feel so much better. And now I have the energy to actually feel like getting out for a walk. It's like a spiral-up effect The medicine helped clear my head enough for me to have the energy to make the diet changes, which has helped with the energy and moods even more.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 4, 2015 10:27:39 GMT -5
I struggled with depression in the past. The one thing my therapist told me that gave me some traction was to "make plans for yourself".
When the days are short in the winter and your responsibilities are long, it is very easy to lose yourself in the daily grind. I made small short term plans for myself, such as "on Tuesday I will visit a store I am interested in". I also made long term plans such as " DH and I will plan a vacation together and will actually go by such and such a date".
Making plans for yourself and for your future gets your brain working with something to plan for and something to look forward to. This gives your brain less time to worry and fret over things you have no control over.
This kind of thinking forces you to put your desires and needs on the front burner. When is the last time you can say your needs were put first? Plans take energy I just can't pull together right this hour. Maybe soon. My needs being first - I don't know when. I think I'd settle right now for not being so needed by others (DH, DS and DD too)
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 4, 2015 10:58:37 GMT -5
How old are the kids?
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 4, 2015 11:47:11 GMT -5
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 4, 2015 12:09:46 GMT -5
Can you take FMLA? Do you think that would help?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 4, 2015 12:21:02 GMT -5
Do you like massages? I get hour-long massages maybe 3 times per year, but they are such a nice, relaxing treat when I do. Book one for a week day and take the rest of the day off work. Get some lunch, take a walk somewhere that you enjoy (park if it's nice, maybe mall if it's too yucky out).
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 4, 2015 12:28:55 GMT -5
Honestly, I would be careful about broadcasting your depression too loudly at work. Sometimes you just have to fake it, especially at work.
That - that is one thing I fear. It may be too late already; my work performance has been sliding and I am really uncomfortable about it being tolerated for too long by my boss. Is it worse to give him more candid information and let the chips fall where they may, or just keep trudging on and hope to not lose it all? I think it depends on your relationship with your boss. It may be better to offer more information, or maybe you have already put it out there so he/she doesn't necessarily need to know the details. Some workplaces are more supportive than others so you will now what feels comfortable in that regard. But, even if you did put forth that info, so what? Just get up and keep going to work. Your personal life is not their business and honestly, I think that for the most part, all they care about is Is the Job getting done, yes or no? If it is, then I don't think you should worry too much about what they do or don't know. If you feel your performance is slipping, then I would focus on your personal and life and what you can to do to ease things at home.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 12:53:32 GMT -5
As someone who has suffered from diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder for more than 10 years, I urge you to seek medical attention, ASAP. Clinical depression cannot be treated by "thinking happy" or "going to church." You have a medical problem and it requires medical intervention. If you haven't, please watch Andrew Soloman's TED Talk about depression. It is very accurate and fantastic. ----- I will add that since I started hiking last year, as in 3-5 days a week up and down steep hills, I feel a lot better. The first month I felt like I was going to pass out and die, but after that I discovered that my mental health can be GREATLY improved by serious exercise and solitude in the woods. And, if I go out and I don't see improvement, I go again. And, I do it every day until I start to feel better. I may not enjoy the exercise itself, but I love the rocks I find. So, that gets me out there hiking. I am going hiking today in fact before a storm comes in. While I don't exactly look forward to the hike up the mountain, I am going to a mine pit to collect copper minerals, and that is enough to drag my butt up the hill. Well, that and the amazing views once I get there. Please go to the doctor. If your doctor can't/doesn't help you - find a new one!
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 4, 2015 17:22:39 GMT -5
You'll probably think this is funny - I know you have young children. Mine are: DD28 and DS20. And they're doing okay - well, my DD is not, but she's muddling along. I texted them both when my birthday came and went without hearing from them; both were truly abashed.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Feb 4, 2015 19:08:16 GMT -5
I manage a small group of about 30 employees so we are not FMLA regulated. We just had a full-time employee who is struggling with anxiety/depression ask for a reduced schedule, to about 25 hours/week on a temporary basis so she can get Dr appts/ medicine checks, etc. We were more than happy to extend this 'personal leave of absence' as she is a great employee who we want to see get things back under control. She has exhausted all paid time off so it will be without pay for the time off she is taking (hourly employee).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 5, 2015 12:30:44 GMT -5
When they say depression is anger turned inward, they aren't joking, at least for me. DH is in the hospital again. I'm So tired of it all and so angry that he has health issues instead of us being able to enjoy life and each other. I'm Feeling guilty for being angry because it's not like he did it on purpose to ruin our lives. It doesn't have to even make sense, it just is what it is.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 5, 2015 15:45:09 GMT -5
finnime, I understand the birthday situation, my son lives in S Korea, sometimes he remembers sometimes not. I think his wife does more then he.
My husband for 15 years has been home for very few holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries and its not funny believe me, I know the feeling. It may not be much consolation but others go through that too.
Oh and my son will be 46 this year and daughter 44. She is all about her period, I have been getting told for the last month or so how much she hates me, I don't want her, she doesn't need me in her life, I ruined her life, yada, yada, you know all those things that make you feel so good after devoting your life to them. Then she may come and say she loves me, then bam the other way again.
Life sure isn't what we envisioned it to be is it? I do agree that some people need medical intervention and just thinking happy won't do it.
I wish I could do or say something to help, just know someone truly understands where you are coming from. Hang tough, lady. You know, when I seen grown adults still blaming their lives on others, that is pathetic. If you are 18 and your life has issues, yeah, maybe you can 'blame' your parents or whomever. If you are 44 and still saying that, that's on you!
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Feb 5, 2015 18:06:46 GMT -5
finnime, I understand the birthday situation, my son lives in S Korea, sometimes he remembers sometimes not. I think his wife does more then he.
My husband for 15 years has been home for very few holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries and its not funny believe me, I know the feeling. It may not be much consolation but others go through that too.
Oh and my son will be 46 this year and daughter 44. She is all about her period, I have been getting told for the last month or so how much she hates me, I don't want her, she doesn't need me in her life, I ruined her life, yada, yada, you know all those things that make you feel so good after devoting your life to them. Then she may come and say she loves me, then bam the other way again.
Life sure isn't what we envisioned it to be is it? I do agree that some people need medical intervention and just thinking happy won't do it.
I wish I could do or say something to help, just know someone truly understands where you are coming from. Hang tough, lady. You know, when I seen grown adults still blaming their lives on others, that is pathetic. If you are 18 and your life has issues, yeah, maybe you can 'blame' your parents or whomever. If you are 44 and still saying that, that's on you! (Um, Pat's daughter has some maturity issues and special needs due to a congenital health condition.) Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't major depression is a federally recognized disability, which would make discrimination of any sort on that basis illegal? Obviously that's not always how it works, and I'm not sure what the precise qualifications are, but it might be something to discuss with someone better informed on such matters. (You never know, maybe the higher ups would be happy to up their EEO quotas.) Still thinking of you and wishing you the best, OP.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Feb 5, 2015 19:14:33 GMT -5
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 5, 2015 20:31:12 GMT -5
Oh and my son will be 46 this year and daughter 44. She is all about her period, I have been getting told for the last month or so how much she hates me, I don't want her, she doesn't need me in her life, I ruined her life, yada, yada, you know all those things that make you feel so good after devoting your life to them. Then she may come and say she loves me, then bam the other way again.
Life sure isn't what we envisioned it to be is it? I do agree that some people need medical intervention and just thinking happy won't do it.
I wish I could do or say something to help, just know someone truly understands where you are coming from. Hang tough, lady. Oh, Pat, your sharing does help. Life is not that vision I drifted with. And thinking happy thoughts, or smiling is not an answer when just moving is so hard. You, too, hang in there.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 5, 2015 20:32:33 GMT -5
Hang in there, I know it's tough. I have had depression before. Just know that people out there care about you and want to see you suceedd, this message board among them. Thanks, Phoenix. You, too, then. I didn't know that.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 5, 2015 20:38:51 GMT -5
The new medication helped me make decisions that improved my overall health - exercising and eating better and improving my personal relationships. It will get better. Meds are part of the answer, I think, too. If the magic mix can be found; if it's possible. Having a hard time pulling together the will to move; to exercise, to get up and out timely, to respond.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 5, 2015 20:42:51 GMT -5
When they say depression is anger turned inward, they aren't joking, at least for me. DH is in the hospital again. I'm So tired of it all and so angry that he has health issues instead of us being able to enjoy life and each other. I'm Feeling guilty for being angry because it's not like he did it on purpose to ruin our lives. It doesn't have to even make sense, it just is what it is. I'm sorry he's back in, Zib. My DH is home again after another surgery. If this heals well, then he'll have orthopedics work redone in 6 - 8 weeks. Maybe he'll be able to keep his foot, and actually walk with it. Maybe not. It is draining and no, not fair.
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