Pants
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Post by Pants on Mar 8, 2011 9:58:15 GMT -5
If you are wanting a bunch of opinions from different people, maybe try a support group? One for those who have lost people to suicide might be a good place to start...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2011 11:13:31 GMT -5
"I don't believe that happiness comes from within, I believe peace comes from within (and I'm trying to figure out how to get there), but happiness or unhappiness is a reaction to external forces."
Look carefully at this. See where you say happiness or unhappiness is a REACTION... reaction is internal... it is about you. It is about what you decide for yourself and how you decide to view and respond to what is around you. It does come from within.
That said, I don't want to kick you when you are down. Psych meds can have an opposite effect and actually increase suicidality, especially in teenage populations. I would see a counselor who was NOT a first step medicate kind of counselor. I would recommend talking to someone though, if not one on one, a support group for people who have lost children to suicide may be a good choice. But ultimately nothing will change until you do... you are the only person who you have power over.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 8, 2011 11:21:05 GMT -5
I'd try to go to a psychologist and not a psychatrist. Psychologists can't prescribe meds so you might have more luck because they can't automatically whip out the Rx pad. It's a place to start.
Like any doctor you aren't always going to get lucky enough to gel with one right out of the box, but once you find one that you do gel with they are worth their weight in gold.
I would not base your opinion on therapy on your mother because she should not have been giving you any kind of therapy in the first place. There is a HUGE conflict of interest there because she is your mother, she simply cannot be objective and any advice she gives you is going to be colored by her relationship with you.
Then so what if one therapist wouldn't take you on, maybe that therapist was not experienced enough to help you with the problems you had/have. You should google specfically what it is you are looking for. If you are looking for help with your son's death google "suicide counselers in [city name here]".
You would not go to a foot doctor for a heart problem would you? Therapy is the same way, not all therapists are created equal or equipped to handle certain problems.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Mar 8, 2011 13:52:38 GMT -5
I don't really say this often, because I've been through counseling when I was younger and it didn't do much for me, but you NEED to go sit down with somebody. NEED TO!
Every other post you're talking about being pushed or prodded into making a decision by somebody else. You need to accept and internalize the idea that the only person in the driver's seat in your life is you. Period. Start embracing it. Take control of your life. Letting other people make all the decision for you doesn't sound like it's worked out that well for you, so STOP! Go take control of your life and start getting what YOU want. That starts by recognizing that you need some help right now, you need some perspective, you need to get this all out there to an impartial listener. Not because somebody else told you to (and yes I see the irony since I'm telling you to), but because you want this for yourself.
Or spend the rest of your life being controlled by those around you, afraid to make your own decision, and miserable. It's your life after all. Maybe you want to spend it this way. Maybe you're wired funky and being miserable does it for you. Who knows.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 8, 2011 14:27:38 GMT -5
Qofcc, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine dealing with that kind of grief. Please look into some kind of grief counseling - maybe your church would be a place to start for that?
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Mar 8, 2011 15:00:26 GMT -5
This whole thing is starting to sound very troll-ish. The suicide story definitely tugs at the heart strings, but the part of me that lives in the real world knows full well that people come on to message boards and make up some pretty outrageous stuff.
IF this is real, my opinion is this: you can't "do" anything to prevent a suicide. It's not the circumstances, it's not what you said, or didn't say-- it's the mental state of the person that commits the act. And since the OP sounds pretty messed up in the head, and with the addition of the suicide story, I think it's a pretty good bet there's some mental illness in the family. I think the OP, if she happens to read this, and again if it's real, which again- I'm starting to doubt, should get some serious psychiatric help.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 8, 2011 15:17:07 GMT -5
This is not a troll, paul. I've been posting for over a year. I started posting on the board as a way to distract myself the weeks I was sitting with my son in the hospital. And I've told bits and pieces of this before on other threads. Yes, depression runs in my family (my birth-mother committed suicide when my kids were little) and my children's father's family has ADD, but that doesn't mean I'm crazy.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 8, 2011 15:32:09 GMT -5
Nobody said you were "crazy". People said you need help, HUGE difference. Someone who cannot make decisions on her own or see any self worth in herself beyond what other people see has a problem because like I said people are fallable, people die. You have NOTHING to fall back on because there is nothing in there besides the opinions of others.
If you are happy to live that way go right ahead, but you seem pretty damn miserable. If you are happiest with being miserable, then knock yourself out.
If you want to change (because other people are NOT going to change to accomdate your need to be validated by them in the way you need to be validated), then you are going to need someone's help and it can't come from a message board.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 8, 2011 16:06:58 GMT -5
So, i would suggest you just spend out the rest of your life unhappy and miserable rather than take a chance because you might find something that isn't any better, so why take a chance?I find it really interesting that the risk-adverse planners and the fiscal conservatives on this board are screaming at me to blow up both of our lives at a point in time when we've been working toward a goal for years and are finally getting close. No, I don't want to wake up at 80 and find I've been unhappy with someone for 40 years. I also don't want to wake up at 80 and find I'm still alone and unhappy and I gave up companionship with someone I'm very frustrated with and disappointed in but care about and generally get along with to chase after the elusive "something better". I finally read most of this thread and I want to tell you that we attract people at the same level we are at and call into our lives based on our beliefs. You didn't believe someone would support you but you wanted that so bad you married him even though at your level of attraction you were going to get someone who could not or would not support you. Its good to know what you don't want, but its bad to keep looking at it as it makes it far more likely to happen. Either of those options could happen or neither. There are few guarantees in life so are you willing to go for what you want and possibly fail or try to endure what you have because you feel incapable of better? I understand given your profession that staying 3 to 5 years to avoid bankruptcy is probably your best career saving move. It is going to cost you and there is the real possibility it won't work or go horribly wrong. Luckily the odds that you get to the non BK side are in your favor. I will agree with the many other posters here that counseling for yourself is a fabulous idea that should be done as soon as reasonable. I totally understand being disappointed in how ones life unfolds. That being said happiness is a choice an art that you can practice. Choose to focus on the good and figure out how to increase it. Doing things to make him happy so he can make you happy is an exercise in futility. Choose to be happy and realize its your job to make you happy not his. Its a happy accident when others help us feel better but happiness is an inside job it comes from within you. To me you and your DH seem much alike. He has all these dreams he builds out of real life objects that never match the fantasy he had in his head. You married him in hopes you could realize your fantasy of the marriage and life you wanted and kept pouring more and more into it getting frustrated, just like him with the snowmobile, not wanting to see that it could not be what you wanted it to be.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 8, 2011 16:29:38 GMT -5
I do actually think that being in a relationship that's disappointing is still better than being alone.
I don't believe that happiness comes from within, I believe peace comes from within (and I'm trying to figure out how to get there), but happiness or unhappiness is a reaction to external forces.
Both these beliefs are a great way to guarantee a certain level of unhappiness with yourself. I wish I was with someone now but when I read stories like yours I realize how lucky I am and its a reminder to define happiness by being happy not by outside circumstance. People who would do anything to not be alone tend to attract worse relationships on average than those that realize being in a bad relationship can be far worse than being alone.
Your second belief is the scariest of the two but not that uncommon and there are lots of books coming to the libraries and book stores that show how incorrect that belief is and your life shows you how damaging that belief has been. If Happiness were merely a reaction to outside forces we all would feel the same way given the same situation. We do not. For instance you have the belief that your husband should financially support you so you could stay home or work part time. Since he can't or won't do that you feel unhappy. If you had the belief that you should always work full time irregardless of what your husband did the fact he could not support you to stay home or work part time would not impact your happiness. Its not the situation that impacts your happiness. Its your belief about those circumstances that impact your happiness.
Further example. You still believe that he should enable you financially so you can stay at home or work part time and the situation remains the same that it isn't happening. You can choose to be happy or happier by focusing on what you do have that you like instead of what you don't. You could say I'm so grateful I live in a house, have a husband, have food and can afford to buy stuff to fix old snowmobiles. I really appreciate that I am not a single mother living on welfare staying at home because staying at home is not as important as being financially viable and having a husband to me.
See how that works?
If you don't want an individual counselor you could try group therapy. Sorry for the loss of your son. I'm sure its hard but good bad or indifferent it may have been his life path to end it this way. His life is no more in your control than making your husband be someone he is not. A great mantra sometimes is: people are uncontrollable, my husband is uncontrollable, etc. To remind you that they control themselves and what they do, you do not.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Mar 8, 2011 16:50:09 GMT -5
I'm not sure if they are still around, but Survivors of Suicide was a lifesaver for me when my college roommate commits suicide. I'll echo what others have said, it's time for you to DO something. You are not to blame for your sons suicide, and you are not a victim to circumstances unless you allow yourself to be. You cannot change the past. But you can change the present and the future. Hugs
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2011 8:21:20 GMT -5
qofcc- I've been through therapy 4 times in my life when I needed mid-course corrections. I've paid for DS when he needed it, too. DH went through therapy years ago and he's one of the most well-balanced people I know. It's immensely helpful to get an objective, outside view. If it's not working, find another one.
You have massive pressures on your plate- more than any of us would want to take on. As I read this, I see a husband who didn't meet your expectations, an adult daughter who needs support, a stepson living in your basement, a house/yard loaded with outbuildings and unfinished projects, overwhelming debts, and the tragedy of losing a son to suicide. On top of that, you're trying to hold down a job that's the anchor that keeps it all together. Of course you're burned out! It's hard for me to keep from reading my own past into your situation, but it looks like you're trying to please/help everybody and it's killing you.
Please think about trying therapy again with someone else, and I agree with a support group of suicide survivors. I bet there's one on teh Web if you want to try the idea out without meeting a group of new people in person.
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Post by bobbysgirl on Mar 9, 2011 9:21:24 GMT -5
{quote}but the part of me that lives in the real world knows full well that people come on to message boards and make up some pretty outrageous stuff. Here it is folks, at last!!!!![/quote] I tend to agree. If I'm wrong, I apologize in advance.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 9:29:23 GMT -5
Please don't leave the boards because of some harsh advice.
Sorry, I didn't mean I was going to leave the boards because of harsh advise, I've been around long enough that I get that's part of posting and part of the value of getting other people's perspective.
I meant that I feel like I crossed a line in my comfort zone and revealed too much. This board has been an escape from real life where people see me in a different way and I think I may have dragged too much of real life into it.
I felt I needed to reveal the suicide part because people weren't getting the big picture, but that's something I don't talk about. Never here and not in real life unless people force me to.
Since my son died, I usually keep out of the discussions about children, because who am I to give advice about kids when I couldn't save my own son and my daughter ended up pregnant by a looser who tricked her into unprotected sex at 17?
Anyway, don't feel like you drove me away, I'll probably keep posting, I'm just a little bit out of my comfort zone right now.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 10:01:32 GMT -5
You have massive pressures on your plate- more than any of us would want to take on. As I read this, I see a husband who didn't meet your expectations, an adult daughter who needs support, a stepson living in your basement, a house/yard loaded with outbuildings and unfinished projects, overwhelming debts, and the tragedy of losing a son to suicide. On top of that, you're trying to hold down a job that's the anchor that keeps it all together. Of course you're burned out! It's hard for me to keep from reading my own past into your situation, but it looks like you're trying to please/help everybody and it's killing you.
Thank you, Athena. That about sums it up except for the elderly father needing help and the fact that the 21 year old daughter has ongoing medical issues and we haven't had a year since she turned 16 that she didn't end up hospitalized or needing surgery and ended up missing work or being unable to finish a school course, that's why she still needs occasional support.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 9, 2011 10:20:11 GMT -5
Ugh, again with the victim stuff.... Your daughter was "tricked" into sex without a condom? come on.... people make decisions, sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad. When we make bad decisions, it is not because we were tricked or deceived, it is because we made a bad decision. We were ignorant, or stubborn, whatever, be WE make the decisions. You chose to marry your husband. You chose to believe his promises even though he had not yet proven to you he could fulfill them. You chose to stay with him all of these years even though he didn't live up to your expectations. You chose to work, instead of staying home with your kids. You chose to help him get into these business ventures that failed. Take ownership of your past decisions about your life, and then take control of your future by making better decisions. You are not a victim. We all have crappy stuff that happens to us, and it sucks, but it doesn't have to define us.
I am the daughter of drug addict/alcoholic parents who spent all their money on booze and had us living in a tent for a period of time when I was a kid. We sometimes went hungry, didn't have clean clothes, etc. I was physically and emotionally abused most of my life. My mother still tries to emotionally abuse me, even though I live 2 states away! I didn't get a free ride to college, I had to pay for that myself. I don't get handed things like some of my peers do. I lost my pregnancy at 13 weeks back in May, which devastated me at the time. I have a thyroid disorder. I once broke my arm. Another time I broke a leg. I had sinus surgery when I was 17. You know what? I'm still OK. I took control of the things I could change, and let go of that which I could not. Does it suck that I had to have bad things happen to me? sure it does. Does that mean my life is a complete wash? nope, I 've had some really great things happen to me too, so I choose to embrace those!
I wanted to add that I did not list the bad things in my life to make it seem like a pissing contest. I did it to illustrate that everyone has bad things happen in their lives. You are not unique in that. It is sad that you lost your son, and I can sympathize with that. But you will never be OK until you let go of this victim mentality. My fear is you never will. You even say you won't go to counseling because you've had a bad experience, again making you the victim. Not everything that displeases us in life has to be made into some horrible, melodramatic tragedy.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 10:58:16 GMT -5
Ugh, again with the victim stuff.... Your daughter was "tricked" into sex without a condom? come on....
He told her a sad story about how he was sterile. Turns out he just didn't want to use condoms and she can't be on any type of hormone BC because of her medical condition. He actually believed he was sterile because none of his past girlfriends had gotten pregnant. He's a moron. She was 17, he was 22. She was stupid, she didn't ask for a notarized statement from a doctor. I'm still thinking that the majority of the fault lies with him.
You chose to believe his promises even though he had not yet proven to you he could fulfill them.
I made a decision based on the information I had available at the time. As someone said earlier, we generally go through life giving people the benefit of the doubt until they prove they can't be trusted.
Except for the trophy wives, I would think most women who end up married to successful men, started out married to a man who had plans made promises.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 9, 2011 11:07:35 GMT -5
So, how in the world he "tricked" her if he, HIMSELF, actually believed that he couldn't have kids. Moron? Who knows?? Your DD certainly wasn't very smart, but why calling him a moron and a liar?
Is anyone in your family ever responsible for their decisions?
You are probably a lost cause at this point, but I sure hope you are not teaching your "views" to your DD still.
Lena
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2011 11:11:45 GMT -5
Turns out he just didn't want to use condoms and she can't be on any type of hormone BC because of her medical condition. He actually believed he was sterile because none of his past girlfriends had gotten pregnant. He's a moron. She was 17, he was 22. She was stupid, she didn't ask for a notarized statement from a doctor
Okay, I'll buy this, but what about STDs? You get a lot more than getting pregnant from having unprotected sex with someone.
I am sorry but your daughter made a stupid choice. All teenagers at some point make them, your daughter's was one that had huge consequences.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 9, 2011 11:37:12 GMT -5
Ugh, again with the victim stuff.... Your daughter was "tricked" into sex without a condom? come on.... He told her a sad story about how he was sterile. Turns out he just didn't want to use condoms and she can't be on any type of hormone BC because of her medical condition. He actually believed he was sterile because none of his past girlfriends had gotten pregnant. He's a moron. She was 17, he was 22. She was stupid, she didn't ask for a notarized statement from a doctor. I'm still thinking that the majority of the fault lies with him. You chose to believe his promises even though he had not yet proven to you he could fulfill them.I made a decision based on the information I had available at the time. As someone said earlier, we generally go through life giving people the benefit of the doubt until they prove they can't be trusted. Except for the trophy wives, I would think most women who end up married to successful men, started out married to a man who had plans made promises. Your daughter was not a victim. She made a dumb decision. Most of us made quite a few of them at 17. But it was her decision. At 17, she was old enough to know about safe sex. I'm going to go out on limb here and guess that your daughter's mystery medical condition is severe depression. It runs in families, your son had it ,you are clearly depressed (if not a few other things), and I think that is what ails your daughter. You both need to run, not walk, to your nearest psychiatrist and stay on your meds. It will be the best thing that ever happened to you. As far as women being married to successful men, all of the people I know who are happily married to successful men met them during th early part of college, when they had little idea of what direction their lives would take. you see, they are happy because they married for love, not money. They made a good decision. You sound like you married because you wanted to be taken care of. That was a bad decision, but one that YOU made. And, trust me, being a wife of a very successful man is no picnic for those women. Many times, their needs are put on hold while their husbands are working. The SAH moms go to bed alone a lot of nights, because hubby is working well into the night. Date nights are few and far between. Wife has to tiptoe around stressed out hubby and make his home life easier. I'm just saying, the grass is always greener....
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 11:38:25 GMT -5
I am sorry but your daughter made a stupid choice.
I agree with you. It was a stupid choice and I never said it wasn't. What I said was that because of these things, I rarely comment on the child rearing stuff because I'm no expert at parenting.
Moron? Who knows?? Your DD certainly wasn't very smart, but why calling him a moron and a liar?
Fair enough, you didn't have enough reason to judge why he was a moron and a liar. She found out he lied to her about a lot of other things and after she got pregnant he quit his job because his boss insulted him by complaining about his performance and hasn't worked since relying on his mom to support him. I won't get into all the details between then and now, but my daughter got sick of his lies and the stupid decisions he kept making and broke up with him a while back and he's currently sitting in jail because he chose a drug dealer for his next girlfriend and all morality of it aside, he was just as incompetent of an assistant drug dealer as he was at the rest of his life and he got caught.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 9, 2011 11:41:28 GMT -5
I am a nurse in a level 1 Trauma hospital, that boasts a state of the art cancer treatment center, and the only level 1NICU in the area. I have seen the worst of the worst. People who catch AIDS from a partner who cheated on them. Children dying of cancer. Adults dying of cancer. People dying of heart and lung diseases. Brain tumors, Aneurysms, car wrecks, attempted murder victims, rape victims, I have seen it all. And you know what? these people whine about their circumstances far less than you do. These people are grateful for every breath they take. They know how precious life and how important it is to savor every moment. I've said it before and I will say it again because it bears repeating: Our lives are not defined by what happens to us, but how we react to those situations.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 11:42:34 GMT -5
I'm going to go out on limb here and guess that your daughter's mystery medical condition is severe depression.
No, it's a blood disorder. She's had multiple pulmonary embolisms and abdominal clots.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 9, 2011 11:45:55 GMT -5
I'm going to go out on limb here and guess that your daughter's mystery medical condition is severe depression.No, it's a blood disorder. She's had multiple pulmonary embolisms and abdominal clots. A blood clotting disorder can be controlled by medications. That shouldn't prevent her from being able to have a job and take care of her kid. Anyhow, I'm not going to go into your daughter and her mistakes, because this thread is about you and the fact you need to see a psychiatrist, ASAP. Besides, we are hearing about her shortcomings through you, who clearly has a hyper-critical view on EVERYONE around you.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 12:09:25 GMT -5
A blood clotting disorder can be controlled by medications. That shouldn't prevent her from being able to have a job and take care of her kid.
She does take medication, goes to her appointments, etc. Sometimes the problem reoccurs or she has complications. It's not her fault. She got another clot one time while she was in the hospital and they were transitioning her off a heparin drip. They don't understand why, but it wasn't her fault or the doctor's fault.
It doesn't prevent her from having a job and taking care of her kid, but being in the hospital caused her to miss enough school that she had to re-take classes and her education is taking longer than it should.
I don't support her, but she's not to the point where she's completely financially stable yet and sometimes things happen that cost money and I need to step in and help, for example the engine in her 13 year old 200K mile minivan went last month and I had to help her with it. I don't think it's uncommon to occasionally have to help a 21 year old college student and single mother.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 9, 2011 12:12:36 GMT -5
Why are you focusing so much on your daughter? This thread was about you. Like I said, I'm not going to go too far into your daughter. Stop changing the subject and answer to the concerns brought up about you.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 9, 2011 12:29:05 GMT -5
...:::"He told her a sad story about how he was sterile.":::...
I'm honestly amazed at how often this line seems to work. I know someone personally who fell for it, and has the kid to prove it.
Guys will say ANYTHING to seal the deal... ESPECIALLY if they know they are skipping town the next day. I think any girl should be made to understand that as part of the playing field.
I mean cripes, do we trust car salesman to be our friends and work to get US the best deal? NO!!!!!! You go in there KNOWING the guy has an agenda and wants you to be dumb. You have to protect yourself.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2011 12:31:30 GMT -5
I'm honestly amazed at how often this line seems to work. I know someone personally who fell for it, and has the kid to prove it.DH thought he was. Concieved DD on the first cycle, one try. She proved him wrong! I told DH that if she scoffs at "it only takes once" or belives some guy who says "I'm sterile" I am telling her to take a good long hard look in the mirror because she's the result!
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 9, 2011 12:37:15 GMT -5
Why are you focusing so much on your daughter?
I was responding to the incorrect assumptions.
Stop changing the subject and answer to the concerns brought up about you.
I'm not sure what you're asking me to answer to?
As far as women being married to successful men, all of the people I know who are happily married to successful men met them during th early part of college, when they had little idea of what direction their lives would take.
That was exactly my point. They didn't wait around until he could produce verifyable results, they made a decision based on the facts they had at the time and had faith that things would work out.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 9, 2011 12:48:10 GMT -5
Why are you focusing so much on your daughter? I was responding to the incorrect assumptions. Stop changing the subject and answer to the concerns brought up about you. I'm not sure what you're asking me to answer to? As far as women being married to successful men, all of the people I know who are happily married to successful men met them during th early part of college, when they had little idea of what direction their lives would take.That was exactly my point. They didn't wait around until he could produce verifyable results, they made a decision based on the facts they had at the time and had faith that things would work out. No, no, no you aren't getting it. These women didn't get married because they thought their husbands would one day be successful and let them be SAH parents. These women went to college too, and earned their own degrees, and started their own careers. Through choices that they and their DHs made, the husband was able to bring in enough income that allowed them to stay home. They didn't just have faith that things would work out. They had plans to make things work, and planned on being working moms, and then their life circumstances ended up allowing them to stay home.
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