Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Mar 7, 2011 16:56:48 GMT -5
OK, so the kids are out of the house. Being with him makes you hate him, and yourself. We haven't gotten his side, but I can't imagine he's feeling like a better person for being in the relationship. You feel like you have to swallow your feelings and put on a front for him, which is just going to make the resentment worse. Why are you guys still together? Seriously?
Life is short. You really want to wake up one day at 80 and realize you spent your whole life bitter and pissed off because you haven't liked your husband in forty years?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2011 16:57:51 GMT -5
What happened to the money he got when he sold his house?
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 7, 2011 17:04:19 GMT -5
Why are you guys still together? Seriously?
Because of the financial issues. Because I made a commitment and feel obligated to him. Because I'm pretty sure being alone would not be better and if I leave, there's no guarantee that there would be a next relationship and that it would be better.
What happened to the money he got when he sold his house?
There was nothing left after paying off the mortgage and the real estate commission.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Mar 7, 2011 17:07:59 GMT -5
Because of the financial issues. Because I made a commitment and feel obligated to him. Because I'm pretty sure being alone would not be better and if I leave, there's no guarantee that there would be a next relationship and that it would be better. You do see what's missing here right? He makes me a better person, I love him, we're good for each other, all that kind of stuff. None of it is there. All you said was, I feel stuck with him and I have no guarantee that anything else would be better. That's just sad. Have you ever told him that? Straight up directly told him that the only reason you haven't left yet is because you haven't found anything better? I can only speak for myself, but if my wife felt that way, I'd be the one getting the papers drawn up.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 7, 2011 17:17:59 GMT -5
Have you ever told him that? Straight up directly told him that the only reason you haven't left yet is because you haven't found anything better?
Not that bluntly, no. I Yes, kind of, indirectly, then he gets all upset and starts crying and shaking and apologizing and making promises and it goes on until I backtrack and soothe and apologize.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 7, 2011 17:28:45 GMT -5
I'm not trying to keep him trapped. I've kind of said in a roundabout way that I know I'm not making him happy and that I don't want him to feel trapped with me.
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Post by restless on Mar 7, 2011 17:30:20 GMT -5
I think everyone has said everything there is to say.
I feel sad for you and your husband. Life is too short and beautiful to live it the way you are, unhappy, resentful, depressed. I mean this is the United States of America for crying out loud!!! You have choices, you can do whatever you want, if you have to file bankruptcy and start all over then let it be but you are so scared to be alone, you don't want to seem like a failure, you are afraid of the judgments from your friends will make. You have so many expectations of how people should be and if those expectations are not met then you resent them.
You need to fix yourself, you need to be happy with yourself, your husband has not made the right choices but you haven't either. Until you are happy with who you are, what you have, then nothing is going to change. Seems like both you and your husband are pretty unhappy.
Look around, go for a walk, look at how lucky you are to have freedoms, to be healthy, to have a job, food and shelter. Look at other people misfortunes, children that don't have food to eat, man, once you look at that doesn't it lighten your load? Clear your head, picture yourself happy and then make a list of the things "YOU and only YOU" can do to make yourself happy , to take control of your life, to be in the driver seat. Then do it!
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 7, 2011 17:59:45 GMT -5
qofcc- you keep telling us that you express your thought "indirectly" and "in a round about way". Men are not mind readers. They typically suck at guessing what we are hinting at or dancing around. You need to be direct with what you are thinking and hinting at. Just come out and say it.
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Post by bobbysgirl on Mar 7, 2011 18:36:45 GMT -5
Have you ever told him that? Straight up directly told him that the only reason you haven't left yet is because you haven't found anything better? Not that bluntly, no. I Yes, kind of, indirectly, then he gets all upset and starts crying and shaking and apologizing and making promises and it goes on until I backtrack and soothe and apologize. OMG, You have just told the truth. You like this cycle! You like to feel power over him. If you are not a troll, then You are seriously sick. Time to puke!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Mar 7, 2011 18:37:29 GMT -5
For the record women don't make very good mind readers in my experience either. I think that's why shrinks are always talking about how open communication is important, and all that junk.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 7, 2011 20:03:48 GMT -5
Have you ever told him that? Straight up directly told him that the only reason you haven't left yet is because you haven't found anything better? Not that bluntly, no. I Yes, kind of, indirectly, then he gets all upset and starts crying and shaking and apologizing and making promises and it goes on until I backtrack and soothe and apologize. Holy shit, you actually said that to your husband?? First off, that dude needs to grow a set...but damn, you are cold. I can't imagine saying something like that to my husband...don't get me wrong, I've wished him dead when we were in the midst of a heated argument, but to actually tell him that I am only with you because I haven't found anyone better? That's just brutal
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 7, 2011 20:14:14 GMT -5
For the record women don't make very good mind readers in my experience either. I think that's why shrinks are always talking about how open communication is important, and all that junk. haha, sorry, i wasn't trying to bash on men. It just seems that women are more likely to be indirect about things and expect the men to just know what they're trying to communicate. Men seem to be more open, more direct. Man says "I'm hungry" and he means I'm hungry, I 'm going to get food now. Woman says "I'm hungry" and she means "I would like you to take me out to dinner, but I don't want to come out and ask you for it. I want it to be your idea, because that is romantic. If I ask you to take me out to dinner, then that takes the fun out of it and I feel like you don't love me anymore. It's because I'm fat, isn't it? Well now I feel even worse, because since I asked you to take me out to dinner, and you just pointed out that I'm fat, i feel like all you see me as is a big fat piggy who does nothing but eat". I'm just saying, we women are complicated. We expect men to get all that from "I'm hungry"
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on Mar 7, 2011 20:16:23 GMT -5
Have you ever told him that? Straight up directly told him that the only reason you haven't left yet is because you haven't found anything better? Not that bluntly, no. I Yes, kind of, indirectly, then he gets all upset and starts crying and shaking and apologizing and making promises and it goes on until I backtrack and soothe and apologize. Holy shit, you actually said that to your husband?? First off, that dude needs to grow a set...but damn, you are cold. I can't imagine saying something like that to my husband...don't get me wrong, I've wished him dead when we were in the midst of a heated argument, but to actually tell him that I am only with you because I haven't found anyone better? That's just brutal Yeah, that's kind of what I was thinking. Nothing makes a guy feel better than to hear "i'm with you because it's easier than divorce". I mean, really, Hallmark should make a card with that sentiment. it is what every spouse wants to hear!
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Mar 7, 2011 20:34:33 GMT -5
You're a peach of a wife and you definitely deserve your hubby...I'm just not sure if your hubby deserves you.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Mar 7, 2011 20:35:05 GMT -5
You know if its eating you alive that much and you are miserable, leave and get it over with. If I didn't respect my husband and he didn't respect my kids and grandkids, I'd be done. Life's too short to be miserable all the time.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Mar 7, 2011 20:35:58 GMT -5
Did you type that with a straight face IHOP?
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 7, 2011 20:43:34 GMT -5
Holy shit, you actually said that to your husband??
Of course not. That's what I meant by no, not that bluntly. I try very hard not to say things that will upset him. I'm really not a rude antagonistic bitch.
But when he worries about me leaving and pushes me to talk about it, I've said I'm not happy with the way things are, but I don't know if leaving would make things better or something to that effect.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 7, 2011 21:02:43 GMT -5
So, i would suggest you just spend out the rest of your life unhappy and miserable rather than take a chance because you might find something that isn't any better, so why take a chance?
I find it really interesting that the risk-adverse planners and the fiscal conservatives on this board are screaming at me to blow up both of our lives at a point in time when we've been working toward a goal for years and are finally getting close.
No, I don't want to wake up at 80 and find I've been unhappy with someone for 40 years. I also don't want to wake up at 80 and find I'm still alone and unhappy and I gave up companionship with someone I'm very frustrated with and disappointed in but care about and generally get along with to chase after the elusive "something better".
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Post by restless on Mar 7, 2011 21:11:55 GMT -5
No, I don't want to wake up at 80 and find I've been unhappy with someone for 40 years. I also don't want to wake up at 80 and find I'm still alone and unhappy and I gave up companionship with someone I'm very frustrated with and disappointed in but care about and generally get along with to chase after the elusive "something better". Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=4305&page=10#ixzz1FyCeGXutSo what are you going to do then? You don't want to be unhappy living with your husband but you also don't want to be unhappy and alone.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Mar 7, 2011 21:17:08 GMT -5
You seem determined to be miserable. You won't **** &you won't get off the pot.
At least you serve some useful purpose--I feel a whole lot better about my own life.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 7, 2011 21:38:54 GMT -5
So what are you going to do then? You don't want to be unhappy living with your husband but you also don't want to be unhappy and alone.
I think I said it on page 8...
I think I want to try and maintain the peace for right now while I work on our finances and when we get to the point where I feel safe and we could separate or divorce without destroying both of us financially, then make the decision to stay or go. At that point, I will feel free to be honest about how I feel and not worry about the consequences of talking about it.
In the mean time, I’m trying to figure out what he could do to make me happy with him again. I was happy when I felt hopeful and grateful to him and he was doing nice things, I don’t see why we couldn’t be happy again.
He’s been nicer to my DD now that she doesn’t live with us and I’d like him to start acting like a grandfather to my grandson. I keep mentioning it and he at least speaks to him now like a person instead of treating him like an annoying pet DD brought home.
I was happy when we were working on projects around the house together until I realized how bad he was at estimating time and money. I’d like to find a way to do something like that again because we both enjoy the excitement of the process and the feeling of pride in the results.
I went to lunch with DD today and she was complaining about how her dad only calls her when he wants something from her and she's disgusted with how bad of a father he's always been so I asked her about how she felt about growing up with her step-father and how she feels about him now. She said she's never felt close to him and living with him was really annoying a lot of the time, but he was a lot better than some of her friends step-fathers and she never wanted him to try to be her dad. She thought it would be nice if he would be a more active grandfather, but the fact that he's not isn't hurting her feelings. She appreciates that he works on her car and lets me help her financially.
I still really regret that I couldn't provide my kids with a father and I feel like the choice I made prevented me from choosing a better option, but it's nice to know that she doesn't feel regret about her step-father. I came to terms a long time ago that I couldn't force her father to step up and be a father.
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Post by restless on Mar 7, 2011 21:42:23 GMT -5
I still really regret that I couldn't provide my kids with a father and I feel like the choice I made prevented me from choosing a better option
You really need to let of the past, of what coulda shoulda woulda, it doesn't matter anymore. You need to deal with today, you can't change the past.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2011 23:31:14 GMT -5
I lived with my dad, not my mom, but still when we went to mom, my stepdad was there. He's not the most demonstrative person in the world, to put it mildly. He doesn't gush. But he always checked my oil, made sure the car was inspected, fluids were good, etc. He always handed you a gas card when you headed back to college, and still offers to pay for anything anyone needs today...
Sometimes love comes in all different packages... and yes, sometimes its the act of wiping off a dipstick and adding a quart...
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Mar 7, 2011 23:46:11 GMT -5
I find it really interesting that the risk-adverse planners and the fiscal conservatives on this board are screaming at me to blow up both of our lives at a point in time when we've been working toward a goal for years and are finally getting close. Not to get all mystical mumbo jumbo on you, but I don't believe in god. That also means I don't believe in an after life. As far as I'm concerned this is it. We live, we die, the end. Because of this, I'd rather be happy and broke than rich and miserable. Blowing up both your financial lives, as you put it, for something stupid would be retarded. Doing it to keep you from spending your one shot at life miserable... yeah, to me that's worth it. Maybe you wouldn't find anyone better. So what. It doesn't sound like you could be much unhappier on your own.
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Elizabeth
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Post by Elizabeth on Mar 8, 2011 1:04:45 GMT -5
QofCC- Is being alone that much worse with being with someone you are not happy with? One of my best friends is in her mid 50's and twice divorced, but she is very happy doing her own thing. Her daughter is also a friend of mine and is grown and out of the house. She goes on dates when she wants to, but ultimately she does things on her own time and in her own way. Seems to be working out really well for her. I think when she divorced the 2nd husband, she was concerned about when she would find someone again. But 6 years later she is having the time of her life and making the most of every day.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 8, 2011 9:33:26 GMT -5
Yes, kind of, indirectly, then he gets all upset and starts crying and shaking and apologizing and making promises and it goes on until I backtrack and soothe and apologize.
Well duh, if my husband told me that the only reason he was still married to me is because a better option hadn't come along and that he was waiting till he wasn't in the hole I'd be upset too!
What did you think he would do? Agree to be the bad guy for you so you wouldn't have to get your hands dirty and you could justify what a POS he is because he's divorcing you?
You aren't going to be happy unless he gets a time maching and goes back and does every little thing you wanted him to do because you are so hung up on the past there is no way in hell this guy is EVER going to be able to make it up to you.
And he should know that. Have the balls to get divorced and quit torturing the poor guy.
Even if he is a jerk apparently he cares about you and your marriage enough to be upset and promise to try to work on things when you announce that he's a warm spot to stick it in until you find something better.
It's wrong to string someone along like that. If you are that damn miserable cut the poor guy loose and let him find someone else he can be happy with.
Don't make him stay married to someone who so clearly doesn't care about him.
I'd rather be broke and alone than stuck with someone who is only twiddling his thumbs until a better model comes along because he's so pissed off about the past that he cannot even ATTEMPT to make a better future with me.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 8, 2011 9:37:10 GMT -5
The REAL option is to get counseling for both of you, learn to get rid of your anger and bitterness and resentments and learn to love each other, appreciate each other and have fun together. Or, split up. It isn't stay and grind your teeth for the rest of your life" or leave.
Yes, I get that. I'm not sure about the counseling though. I thought it might help to talk about it, and that's what I'm trying to do, but I can see this isn't the best forum.
Does anyone have any recommendations for a more appropriate message board?
I've said this much, so I might as well say the rest because I'm not sure I'm coming back.
Yes, I'm having trouble letting go of the guilt and anger. Yes, I realize it's not all my husband's fault and I'm angry and disappointed with other people too, including myself.
I do actually think that being in a relationship that's disappointing is still better than being alone.
I don't believe that happiness comes from within, I believe peace comes from within (and I'm trying to figure out how to get there), but happiness or unhappiness is a reaction to external forces.
I don't think individual counseling is better than talking to a group of people with differing opinions. My mom is a psychologist and she's pushed me into some really bad decisions. I went to a counselor after the love of my life broke up with me and I talked to him for 2 hours and he didn't say a thing and then decided not to take me on as a patient.
Last year, I took my son to a bunch of different doctors and hospitals and counselors who couldn't agree with each other and gave me different advice and put him on different medicines that made things worse and it didn't work. And once he turned 18, I lost the little bit of control that I had over the situation.
My son committed suicide last year.
He loved a girl who didn't love him back and he couldn't get over it. He also felt inadequate because he was having trouble finding a job and he was irresponsible and got traffic tickets and had his license suspended and he didn't concentrate on school as much as he should and he was headed off to start out at community college while his friends were accepted to private colleges.
I did everything I could think of to help him, but it wasn't good enough. It's hard to know the right thing to do when you're in the middle of hell. I have dreams where I come up with a solution to something I could have done to prevent it, but then I wake up and I realize it's too late. I didn't know enough to save him. I wasn't good enough to attract a partner who would make us part of a family and make up for his dad being useless. I was never in a position to be able to home school, even though I think that might have made a difference.
I tried, but I failed. I thought his life as a teenager was not ideal, but he was going to be ok. Lots of people grow up without fathers. Lots of people have moms who work full time. And they grow up ok. But some kids need more, and I couldn't give it to him.
One of the doctors told me that I gave my son bad advice. When my son came to me for advice about the girl and she told him she liked him but she was just out of a relationship and wasn't ready for a relationship right now, I told him that if he really cared about her, to just hang out with her and be a friend for a few months and get to know her better and if she liked him he would be in a position to be there when she was ready and if she didn't then she'd start going out with someone else and he would know to back off. The doctor told me I shouldn't have encouraged false hope and that being around someone he loved but couldn't have made him worse and caused things to spiral out of control. I didn't know any better. I thought I told him the right thing.
I miss him so much and I don't have a partner to miss him with me and I resent that. My husband feels bad for me, but he doesn't miss him. His dad misses him, but he's taken this opportunity to make it all about himself. 2 weeks after the funeral, I had to go back to work and pick up my life and take care of everyone else and he and went and got himself committed to the hospital for a while, now he spends his days posting on facebook and going to group therapy while his girlfriend supports him. He ignored our kids for most of their lives while I raised them and worked to support him and did everything I could to make them happy and now everyone is taking care of him and nobody is taking care of me.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 8, 2011 9:50:15 GMT -5
I don't know of any message board that would be a good place to discuss this, but I hope you contact the employee assistance program (EAP) at work and try counseling again. If your employer doesn't have an EAP program, your health insurance may also cover counseling so you can call them and find out about coverage. If you belong to a church, your minister should also be able to provide counseling or refer you to someone. I know it must be hard because you tried to find a counselor before, but this is something that is too important for you to just give up on. I don't think you should do marriage counseling with your husband until you have a chance to get help just for yourself with individual counseling. I know that losing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a parent, and you really need someone that you can talk to about this and other issues. We have good intentions talking to you on this board, but we really don't know the right things to say to help you the way a professional could.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 8, 2011 9:50:28 GMT -5
What exactly did you expect to hear? That your husband is a lousy piece of work but you are right to stay with him until something better comes along?
I don't know about other forums, but I doubt you'd hear any different advice except it might be said a little less bluntly than the posts on here.
The big problem is YOU. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself and how you react to them. Since you refuse to do so and believe that it is their job to make you happy and content as opposed to seeking it out for yourself you aren't ever going to be happy.
My counseler told me that when you seek to find your happiness and validation in others you are doomed because once those people disappear or disappoint you. .. you are left with nothing but a giant gaping hole. You cannot live your life like that because it is not other people's duty to make you a happy fulfilled person and you are eventually going to drive everyone away because it's exhausting having to be someone else's confidence booster.
That is not to say other people should not make you happy, they should, but they should not be your entire source of validation, confidence and self worth.
You have A LOT of issues, I doubt there is a single board that is going to be able to help you with the issues that you have. The only people who can help you are trained professional therapists, not strangers on a message board.
If you are looking for people to agree with you I am sure if you look hard enough you can find them, but as far as help, that's going to have to come from people who are capable of giving it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2011 9:56:36 GMT -5
Wow. I'm really sorry for all the things that have gone wrong in your life. I'm no therapist, but I think you're putting too much weight on an absent father's effect on children. Your son (may he RIP) could have very well come to the same outcome whether his SD or his father was caring and in the picture. You gave bad advice, but you're not at fault for anything that happened afterward. Human emotions are complex to say the least, and teen emotions are even more so.
My mom is twice divorced - once from my dad, and once from my SD. Dad cheated, and SD did things I'd rather not disclose and ended up in jail. In both instances, she married because she was settling in a way and thought they were better than being single. After her divorce from my SD, she got counseling for a long time to get over the betrayal, but now she's doing very well. She's active in her church and she just completed her B.A. And she's single - well, there's a guy she's seeing on and off, but she's not looking to commit or get married. So yes, there is life on the other side, and it's not all bad.
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