Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 5, 2011 17:49:18 GMT -5
"I did eventually see that he wasn't suited to it and it did a lot of damage to our relationship and his self esteem to finally get him to see it. Now he tells me that I'm in charge of directing our lives and he's in charge of doing the work."
I see how he would feel this way. He tried to start a business and you convinced him he couldn't hack it (which by your description is true). His response was "okay, I'm not good enough to be self employed, so why don't you take the lead role." To me, that's a perfectly reasonable response. He wasn't good in your eyes to make the money the way he wanted, so he let you do it. My question to you is, what do you want him to do? How can you expect him to meet your standards if you don't even know what the standards are yourself? You keep asking him to hit a moving target. The problem may not be with him it may be with you. Why isn't anything he does good enough for you? It seems to me like he's at least trying based on your description.
"I do know that I want him to hang on to this job and keep up with the occasional projects that impress his boss, to make sure he has job security. I also want him to either finish up or get rid of all of the unfinished projects he's working on. I want him to work at being better at estimating the amount of time and money the things he starts are going to take to finish. He buys things to fix up or takes on projects to build things, but then he gets distracted and we end up with dozens of half finished projects and a lot of them don't end up making financial sense by the time they're done. We lost a lot because of his self-employment efforts, but even more because of the things he insisted we needed to do to the house before we could all live in my house together and sell his place."
Have you voiced these thoughts in a non accusatory manner? If not, that might help.
"He is trying to make me happy, I just don't know what that's going to take."
That's what you need to figure out first. As I said, you keep asking him to chase a target that keeps moving. How can he make you happy if you don't even know what makes you happy? Work on yourself first then assess your relationship. In the meantime the fact that he's trying to step up should count for something.
"That's nice that he's helping with my chores, but I really don't think heading further down the path of role reversal is the key to making me feel safe and taken care of. "
Why in the world do you have this idea so ingrained of being "taken care of." Why do you feel this way so strongly? Most people want to be self sufficient at least in some sense. Do you really want to not have any independence? Do you want to just sit on your rear and eat bon bons and watch soaps? Marriage is about being partners, not "being taken care of." Even if your roles were reveresed, you'd still be "taking care" of him (or at least I hope). You even admit you don't mind being an equal partner.
Oped is right. You seem fascinated by an ideal and not fixed in reality. Even couples where one spouse doesn't work often have to make sacrifices and sometimes circumstances dictate that the roles be reversed. Doing what needs to be done and rising to meet the challenges of the situation is part of what being and adult is about.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 5, 2011 17:58:00 GMT -5
I hear that it's normal for women to go through midlife crisis when the kids leave home, so maybe that's part of it. I feel like I failed at the part of my life that was important, and I need to figure out what I can accomplish to feel successful in life. I know a career is supposed to be fulfilling, but I don't wake up in the morning excited about the prospect of organizing data and producing reports to help a large corporation improve profitability. I'm grateful to have a good paycheck and thankful that my job doesn't consist of scrubbing toilets or deep frying things, but it's not something that makes me proud and happy. I have a dream... to design and build a house, or if possible, multiple multi-family houses one at a time in sequence and live in each one, then turn them into rentals until there are enough to make a career of it. I've been thinking about this and drawing house plans since I was in grade school and I've read every book in the library on home design, architecture, landscaping, decorating, etc. I've remodeled 2 houses by myself before I met my husband and one project together. Ever since my husband and I got together, we talked about the next house and building my dream, but with all that's happened, the thought of letting him be in charge of a project like that terrifies me, and he won't hire people to do things, he has to do everything himself. I want to work with an architect and a general contractor because I know that I don't know enough to do everything myself. Every time I start going down the path of designing a house, he starts in about how his workshop needs to be at least 30x50, but he would prefer 40x60 and then he also needs a garage to park the cars and a basement with a pool table and bar and he doesn't want extra bedrooms that relatives might want to come and stay in and it goes on and on and on when I really want a very modest sized extremely well thought out house with lots of built-ins and big windows and a guest suite where relatives can stay as long as they need to while everyone still has privacy. Oh, and he doesn't want to be a landlord because people might bother him about fixing their toilet if it breaks in the middle of the night. I'm not going to do any of this right now, it's just something I think about all the time and it highlights the fact that we started out with what we thought were similar goals, but when we get into the details, they're so different.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 5, 2011 17:58:07 GMT -5
"Sorry, but the OP sounds very cold and uncaring to her spouse. It really seems like it is all about what she wants and nothing else."
She's pinned her happiness on a fairy tale lifestyle that doesn't really exist. No spouse can meet such expectations.
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Post by bobbysgirl on Mar 5, 2011 18:04:45 GMT -5
The thing is, that he really was good at the actual performing the tasks of the businesses, it was the big picture planning/management that was the problem. I did eventually see that he wasn't suited to it and it did a lot of damage to our relationship and his self esteem to finally get him to see it. Now he tells me that I'm in charge of directing our lives and he's in charge of doing the work. I know it could be worse, but that's not what I wanted. I guess I'm ok with being an equal partner, but I really wanted to be the one in the supporting role, I don't want all of the responsibility for taking care of everyone all of the time. As to the overtime, I'm grateful he has the opportunity to work overtime and the little bit extra does make up for a lower hourly wage, but I hardly think he's working himself to death by averaging 4 hours/wk overtime. Even when he has to take a 1/2 hour lunch instead of an hour and stay until 5:30 instead of 5, he's still home before I am most nights. What do I want him to do? I don't know, that's what I'm trying to figure out. I do know that I want him to hang on to this job and keep up with the occasional projects that impress his boss, to make sure he has job security. I also want him to either finish up or get rid of all of the unfinished projects he's working on. I want him to work at being better at estimating the amount of time and money the things he starts are going to take to finish. He buys things to fix up or takes on projects to build things, but then he gets distracted and we end up with dozens of half finished projects and a lot of them don't end up making financial sense by the time they're done. We lost a lot because of his self-employment efforts, but even more because of the things he insisted we needed to do to the house before we could all live in my house together and sell his place. I've told this story before on the other board, but the home renovation from hell started off the whole financial disaster that took every cent I had and every cent I could borrow. He is trying to make me happy, I just don't know what that's going to take. He's started cooking dinner a couple of nights a week and helping with the dishes and he did a load of laundry this AM out of the blue. That's nice that he's helping with my chores, but I really don't think heading further down the path of role reversal is the key to making me feel safe and taken care of. Until this point in the conversation I wasn't sure about the situation. If you are able to be honest with yourself, there is nothing he could do to make you happy. I think, secretly, you feel you are superior to him.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 5, 2011 18:07:32 GMT -5
Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies
Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne
Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2011 18:23:48 GMT -5
Every time I start going down the path of designing a house, he starts in about how his workshop needs to be at least 30x50, but he would prefer 40x60 and then he also needs a garage to park the cars and a basement with a pool table and bar and he doesn't want extra bedrooms that relatives might want to come and stay in and it goes on and on and on. Is it possible he's got ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)? It occurred to me when you described his unfinished projects and the above sounds like more of the same. The fact that when he's actually doing the work he can function can also be part of it- it's called "hyperfocus" and when something engages someone with ADD, earthquakes can't keep them from finishing it. I'm no psychologist, but I am the mother of a wonderful young man with ADD and I have a touch of it myself. It's something you might want to consider.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 5, 2011 18:24:36 GMT -5
She's pinned her happiness on a fairy tale lifestyle that doesn't really exist. No spouse can meet such expectations.
The fact that that lifestyle is a fairy tale and doesn't really exist would be news to most of his friends and their wives who are living it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 5, 2011 18:24:38 GMT -5
I don't think he can make you happy. That has to come from within you and it isn't there. It makes a lot of sense, your mid-life crisis. I think most parents, especially single moms beat themselves over the heads about what they coulda shoulda done better. I do as well. I didn't re-marry because I knew I could do better on my own that anyone I seemed to attract. I wasn't about to get another problem in my life as I already had 2 kids and the job from hell. To add someone else in it to hassle and cause me more stress? No way!!! I seriously think you need counseling and I also seriously think your marriage is over. To hang on so he can help pay some of his debts is ludicrous. You aren't THAT old to have to stick it out for 5 more years like this and you could end up with him being ill and you being stuck like a previous poster said. He wants this and that but has no money for this and that. You could, once you are on your own legally, go into a partnership with a contractor and buy/renovate/sell houses together.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2011 18:30:55 GMT -5
The grass is always greener... We tend to view other peoples' lives by what they have and not by what they sacrafice in order to have what they have...
You missed the point earlier... I stay at home at the moment... but it isn't a fairy tale... its life... and as with all its incarnations, it isn't all honey and roses... I like it quite a bit, but i work just as hard as my husband to have me here... it wasn't 'given' to me... and we each take care of the other, regardless of who brings in the cash at the moment...
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 5, 2011 19:05:25 GMT -5
"The fact that that lifestyle is a fairy tale and doesn't really exist would be news to most of his friends and their wives who are living it."
You should listen to Oped, she's absolutely right. Your friends lives' aren't perfect, and don't let them tell you different. Their living situation didn't just happen. For all you know they could just be putting on a front and envy YOU for having a career with your own money. Life takes many forms and things change over time. These people you think are living the "perfect life" may have their world turned upside down because of job loss, disability, injury, or death.
Even though they look happy, I'm sure they have their trials and tribulations as well. I'm sure they get mad at each other and have to work on their marriage just like everyone else. I'd hardly call their lives fairy tales. What you have in your mind is a fairy tale.
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Elizabeth
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Post by Elizabeth on Mar 5, 2011 19:10:00 GMT -5
I really should take my own advice on this one (if anyone has read my previous posts), but it's always easier to be a third party looking in when not knowing what's really going on in the heart of the issue- but I second the opinion that you should get out as soon as you can. I think once you have lost respect for someone, it's damn hard to ever gain it back, let alone learn to love them again. I wish you the best of luck in which ever choice you decide. Maybe it's time to strive for a new dream? Surely there are some other life longs goals you have wanted to accomplish? It may help you to focus on something new instead.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Mar 6, 2011 8:27:54 GMT -5
phenoix84-thanks for the karma.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 6, 2011 8:53:11 GMT -5
He doesn't want to remodel and take care of properties
He does want to build and remodel, he just doesn't want to be a landlord. He talks about it all the time and he's passionate about wanting his dream house but his vision of a dream house is a lot more expensive than mine. He calls me all the time excited when he sees land for sale. He has a friend who sells real estate, specifically HUD project houses and they talk about it all the time. We keep starting down the path, then I get scared when he starts being unrealistic. His parents have helped us a lot with projects (physically, not financially), but I can see they've been a little scared about some of the things he's gotten us into. I'm scared to start another building project with him. I want him to stop pouring time and money into this house that he admits is never going to be what he wants and he wants to sell and focus on how to make getting the house he does want a reality. He justified so much by saying that it would increase the value, but we're far beyond being able to recoup the money on this house and he's finally starting to listen to the real estate agents that are telling him so, because he didn't believe me. And to be realistic about what the things he wants cost. He's really good at building and fixing things, but he looses sight of the big picture.
He's working on a project right now that's a perfect example. His friends like to snowmobile. They all have snowmobiles and they go out about a dozen times a year. It's a big social thing and he feels left out. DH really wants to go too and he started looking at one to buy. To get what he really wants, would be about $7K. I told him we can't afford it right now, but we can in a few more years. He could get something that is not what he wants, but would allow him to participate for about $1,500. I don't really want to spend $1,500 either, but I told him if he would sell some of the stuff lying around to get half of the money, then we could figure out how to get the rest. Instead, one of his friends had an old snowmobile that is broken and he gave it to DH last spring. It's a piece of junk and doesn't have any of the features that he insisted he needed to be happy. I thought the point of the project was that he'd put a little time and minimal money into getting it running and be able to go out with his friends, then sell it and get something better later when we can afford it. Instead, he procrastinated until it was winter saying it was only going to take a weekend or two to finish, then he started working on it and got deeper and deeper into it and changed his mind and totally disassembled the thing and he's restoring each and every part. He's made multiple trips to pick out just the right paint colors and spend hours studying the technical manuals and wiring diagrams to totally rebuild this thing. Then he went out and bought $100 worth of paint with the credit card instead of using his spending money and now I suspect that some of the other charges for car repairs were really for snowmobile parts. Now, winter is almost over and he's still working on this project every weekend and doesn't think he's actually going to be able to use it this winter because he thinks that it would be a waste of money to spend $100 on a registration to go out only once or twice. I know it's going to be beautiful when it's done. He owns an antique machine that he restored that's on display in a museum. But the thing is that no matter how nice he makes it, it's still going to be a 20 year old snowmobile that doesn't have an engine fast enough to keep up with the rest of the group or some of the other features he said were necessary and once he actually gets to the point where he can use it, he's going to be frustrated and want to get rid of it and get the thing he really wanted. And this thing is going to look nice, but still be impractical for anyone else and nobody is going to be willing to pay him for the time and money he put into it. And if he was enjoying the process, it would be one thing, but he's past the point of having fun out there, he's annoyed that it's in the way and he keeps needing to move it around to work on the cars and he just wants to be done with it, but he's determined to finish it, but I think he feels stuck and I think it's dawning on him that this was not a good idea.
But I'm not going to say a thing about it to him. When I walk by and he's working on it I just smile and say that looks very nice. When his friends ask why it's not done yet, I just smile and say I have no idea, you guys are the mechanics.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 6, 2011 9:55:08 GMT -5
I like it quite a bit, but i work just as hard as my husband to have me here... it wasn't 'given' to me... and we each take care of the other, regardless of who brings in the cash at the moment...
I'm not expecting to sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day, and having someone take care of me doesn't mean I don't intend to take care of them back. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a parent/child relationship where I have to be the parent and the child keeps begging for a puppy and promises to take care of it and I finally give in and the dog turns out to be a wolf who destroys my house and eats the other pets and then the child comes to me and says I'm sorry I didn't think that would happen and I want to clean up the mess but I don't know how and I need your help and I'm going to give you a kiss and make it all better because I love you. I don't want to be the parent, but I don't want to be the child either. Ideally, want a relationship like pilot/co-pilot, doctor/nurse where we're both responsible for our parts, but I'm in the supporting role more often than not. I feel like most of the other couples I know have that type of relationship.
As to the person who asked is having any man better than having no man at all. I guess if I had family and friends who would help me, it wouldn't be, but the times when I was on my own, I was truly alone. I can't count on my parents and if I leave my husband, I'm going to loose the friends we have because the husbands coordinate the social activities.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 6, 2011 10:17:09 GMT -5
QofCC, you want a type relationship that your husband is not capable of having with you. Accept it. You married him because you just wanted to get married, not because you wanted to marry him, and he's not what you "ordered" in a relationship. Time to decide if you can live with him or not.
And as far as being alone, well, it sounds like you're alone now. I mean, you have a husband you clearly dont' respect, you've never said you love him, nor does it sound like you do. You hang out with people who diss you.
Go find your own life.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Mar 6, 2011 10:52:41 GMT -5
qofcc, it seems to be that you never truly loved your husband, but that you loved what he promised/you felt he could be. If that was the contract you made in your mind with him over a decade ago, I don't see how it will change anytime soon. It doesn't look like it will change because he turns into the person you want him to be. You have to decide whether what you see (and have seen) can be made to be good enough or not.
Marriage is a serious commitment, and you a committing to a tangible person whose actions you see. If you aren't emotionally connected and satisfied to the person you are married to one day one, year two, year five, there is no reason to expect it to magically turn around.
I would say though, think carefully about whether or not your expectations for your life at this point are practical. Resentment and bitterness can make you feel miserable, but so can constantly searching for something that isn't out there.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2011 11:17:45 GMT -5
I guess what i mean is that you seem to feel 'if only this' happened then everything would be all right.... but that's not a true way of living. 'if only this' is a mask. And even if you ended up getting 'if only this' (which is highly unlikey in this case)... you would find that it stilll didn't measure up... because you are expecting 'if only this' to fix everything... and it won't... because it isn't really the problem...
Does that make any sense?
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 6, 2011 12:20:59 GMT -5
it seems to be that you never truly loved your husband, but that you loved what he promised/you felt he could be.
When we met, I admired who I thought he was and I was grateful for the things he was doing for me and my kids and I was excited about the promises and plans he made and I felt I could trust him to keep me safe. I care about him and I spend a lot of time and effort doing things to make him happy. I don't talk to him about how unhappy I am unless he pushes me. When he pushes and pushes and pushes to know what's bothering me, he wears me down and I finally blurt out feelings he would rather not know and I usually feel bad afterward. If we could rewind and go back and be platonic friends and not be married, I would do it in a heartbeat. I enjoy spending time with him and value him as a friend, I just don't feel romantic toward him anymore. The grateful feelings keep getting overwhelmed by the resentful feelings and that is really unromantic. I realize I'm obligated to pretend that I feel romantic to wards him and I put a lot of effort into it, but it makes me feel more depressed. I felt romantic toward him at first, but it was never the kind of I could look into your eyes forever and I get drunk on your scent and I would give up everything and follow you to the ends of the earth and die for you kind of love. I feel obligated to him and if we do get divorced, I want to make sure I don't destroy his life either. I know he loves me and he's trying. I just don't know what I need him to do to turn platonic love back into romantic love. I do know that it's something outside of the bedroom, I just don't know what.
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ameiko
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Post by ameiko on Mar 6, 2011 12:30:50 GMT -5
1. Paragraphs are you friend.
2. The OP sounds very controlling. I understand the desire to help your spouse but it sounds very nitpicky and henpecking. I could be wrong.
3. As I have stated before: men are judged on their ability to earn and support a woman in a certain lifestyle. A few generations of feminism and girlpower will not change that.
That said, I wish the OP best of luck in resolving this. I hope this is a good message to other women though: no matter how secure you are in your own career and high powered earnings, you will often look down on your husband for not matching it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2011 13:00:24 GMT -5
" it was never the kind of I could look into your eyes forever and I get drunk on your scent and I would give up everything and follow you to the ends of the earth and die for you kind of love. "
Sigh... fairy tales again... what you describe is not love... its infactuation... and it never lasts... 'feeling romantic' wanes and waxes like the moon...
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Mar 6, 2011 13:16:22 GMT -5
but it was never the kind of I could look into your eyes forever and I get drunk on your scent and I would give up everything and follow you to the ends of the earth and die for you kind of love
Good grief. You want to live in a romance novel.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 6, 2011 13:36:21 GMT -5
Good grief. You want to live in a romance novel.
No, I gave up on holding out for passionate love like everyone told me to and settled for a practical partnership relationship based on friendship and being grateful to each other. My gratitude is just wearing thin these days.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Mar 6, 2011 13:52:57 GMT -5
From your posts, it seems like you wanted a list of things from your husband. From how you mentioned them (and the emphasis you are putting on them), you wanted them in this order as well:
1. To be a financial provider that would enable you to be a SAHM (at least if you choose to)
2. To be a good father to your children, which meant integrating the two families and not favoring his children
3. Someone to spend time with and do things for , or other non-platonic parts of the relationship
You wanted #1 and #2 the most, but you didn't get them to the degree you wanted before the relationship began and even years into the relationship. Everything else is going to fall apart in the relationship (non-platonic parts included) if you aren't getting the core of what brought you into the relationship in the first place.
The problem now is that you are past him being able to fix you being a SAHM or even integrating the families like you wanted. If the financial and family elements are still the core of the relationship, you have to decide what your terms are at this point (not what they were at one time) and figure out of that is enough for you to enjoy the rest of your life and let go of resentment from the past. This is where a counselor is extremely important in helping you deal with these feelings and separate the realistic from the unrealistic.
It also seems like you went into the relationship not very concerned about strong physical (or ever emotional at times) attraction. You wanted all the stability and resources that a two-parent relationship could bring for you and your children, and now you realize that you really did not get those things, even though you did receive enough to make your life a little easier. It was never enough to make you happy, yet better than it would have been without what help he brought. Now that this is all past, you don't have much to sustain the relationship besides a core of broken promises.
I really hope you find a way to deal with this, and that the next years of your life don't seem as unhappy as the last years you have spent with your husband.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 6, 2011 14:12:39 GMT -5
Close enough...
1. To be a financial provider that would enable me to be home when the kids got home from school in the afternoon
2. To be a good father to my children, which meant not constantly criticizing my children and spending time with us as a family rather than forcing me to choose between spending time with him and with them
3. Someone to spend time with and do things for
If the financial and family elements are still the core of the relationship, you have to decide what your terms are at this point (not what they were at one time) and figure out of that is enough for you to enjoy the rest of your life and let go of resentment from the past. This is where a counselor is extremely important in helping you deal with these feelings and separate the realistic from the unrealistic.
I agree. I'm working on figuring out my terms. I'm afraid about the counselor part. If I have to go to a counselor and be totally honest about how I feel, it might push him to go and leave me with this financial mess or start crying and shaking all the time like he does when he gets me to admit that I'm unhappy. Then I have to work extra hard to be cheerful and nice and reassure him that everything is fine and I'm not leaving. It's exhausting and not productive. There's also a part of me that's afraid he might get angry. I know he would never physically hurt me, but when I left my first husband, he took all the money in the bank and trashed the house, kidnapped the kids and held me at gunpoint. This really makes me hesitant to negotiate without an exit strategy.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 6, 2011 14:38:03 GMT -5
but it was never the kind of I could look into your eyes forever and I get drunk on your scent and I would give up everything and follow you to the ends of the earth and die for you kind of love JFC, that doesn't exist.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 6, 2011 14:39:01 GMT -5
but it was never the kind of I could look into your eyes forever and I get drunk on your scent and I would give up everything and follow you to the ends of the earth and die for you kind of love JFC, that doesn't exist. Yes it does...I've seen it happen in Lifetime movies
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 6, 2011 14:51:36 GMT -5
JFC, that doesn't exist.
sure it does... I had it and then he died. Years later, I had it again and I waited 6 years for him to resolve his issues and marry me, then I let my mom & sister and best friend push me into giving him ultimatums and driving him crazy and he left me. And instead of waiting for him to come back and begging him to forgive me, I listened to everyone's advice to be a grownup and find a father for the kids before they grew up and it was too late and a provider to take care of me and be happy with what I can get and stop chasing things out of my reach.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 6, 2011 15:11:11 GMT -5
JFC, that doesn't exist. sure it does... I had it and then he died. Years later, I had it again and I waited 6 years for him to resolve his issues and marry me, then I let my mom & sister and best friend push me into giving him ultimatums and driving him crazy and he left me. And instead of waiting for him to come back and begging him to forgive me, I listened to everyone's advice to be a grownup and find a father for the kids before they grew up and it was too late and a provider to take care of me and be happy with what I can get and stop chasing things out of my reach. I'm sorry about your signicant other dying, but the love you are describing can't last. It's just not possible to sustain that type of emotion over the long term. And if the other guy you had it with left you, it really didn't exist, did it?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 6, 2011 15:16:33 GMT -5
JFC, that doesn't exist. sure it does... I had it and then he died. Years later, I had it again and I waited 6 years for him to resolve his issues and marry me, then I let my mom & sister and best friend push me into giving him ultimatums and driving him crazy and he left me. And instead of waiting for him to come back and begging him to forgive me, I listened to everyone's advice to be a grownup and find a father for the kids before they grew up and it was too late and a provider to take care of me and be happy with what I can get and stop chasing things out of my reach. qofcc: So here's the problem right there. You're mad at this man because he's not the man you wanted. You need to stop being mad at him and be mad at yourself for "giving in" to everyone else. Plus, you have a family that seems to think you NEED to be taken care of. Guess what, you DON'T. You've proven that. Here's the thing, I haven't seen a single positive thing about your DH that you haven't felt forced in to revealing, and even those things are presented in the most negative light possible, so I don't think your marriage is going to last. But that's just me. Truth is, none of that matters until you get your own hose in order. Married/not married, in debt, not in debt, hell, SAHS not SAHS, NONE OF IT MATTERS. You are not currently capable of being happy. You have to fix that before anything else. Get yourself to a counselor. Once you've figured out how to like yourself, how to see the value in the life you've lived, then there's a chance you might be able to see value in your DH and your marriage/ Or maybe you won't. But you have to FIX YOURSELF FIRST. And just as a side note, very few of us have the lives we dreamed of. Life gets in the way. And that's just the way life is.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 6, 2011 15:20:22 GMT -5
Or, some of us have the life we dreamed of, but then realize it's not all that it's cracked up to be...........
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