DD & MIL's Issues

[busymom]

<HUGS> for dealing with all of this.

Instead of waiting, why don't you call your county Social Services office, & see what they suggest, since it sounds like there is no POA, or other legal paperwork. It sounds like she might be slipping quickly (it could be due to mini strokes, or a number of other problems). Best wishes!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Pat. 

[Pants]

Patstab - I'm sorry for wht is happening with your MIL, and I'm sorry this seems to be mostly on you. Your DH needs to stop having his head in the sand and start acting - for the good of both you and your MIL. Good luck and feel free to stop by and bitch.

[swamp]

You say she doesn't like you anyway, so I'd just do the guardianship. it's not like you're going to damage the relationship.

[Malarky]

Hugs, Pat.

I'm sorry that you spend all your time and energy taking care of everyone else and there's never anyone there to take care of you.

It doesn't seem like there is anyone around in your RL to tell you what an amazing woman you are and  that your efforts are appreciated.  Because you are amazing.  

We can see that.  Although your work ethic puts most of us to shame. We all seem like extreme slackers compared to you.   And some probably think you're crazy with all you take on.  I personally couldn't accomplish half of what you do in a typical day.

In the end, you will do what you have to do for MIL, no matter what the personal cost to you. It's who you are and what you do.  And you will know that you did your best for her, no matter what the circumstances.  

It would be nice if DH would step up and help you, but it seems to be your division of responsibilities is that you take care of the home and family and he go off and earn the money.  You've both been doing this so long that it will be hard to change.  Hopefully he will see the need and do his part of what needs to be done.  

Come here and vent any time. I just wish I could do more for you in RL.  

[Deleted]

Do you have independent apartment where meals can be provided? I look at some with my mom so we plan ahead for her not wanting to do things for herself time. Also for can't do things for herself time that same place can provide more services.

[Tennesseer]

Why not have MIL's car disappear in the middle of the night.  Forewarn the police department of what is planned.

MIL is going to drive license or not.

[seriousthistime]

Pat, I think I am around your age.  My parents are long gone, so I am not taking care of anyone. 

My nightmare is becoming a burden to my kids when I get older.  I have one adult DS and wife left in this town, and I will probably move to a warmer climate when I retire. And that will be near another of my adult kids. 

I just want to add to your statement that we get POAs from our parents and inlaws while they are of sound mind.  It is important not only to get them from our parents and inlaws, but for us to do them for ourselves.

I used to have DSis as my POA and executor.  Once my kids became adults I switched them to some of my kids.  My DSis is way too irresponsible with money and has wacky views regarding alternative medicine, which has its place -- but not if I am being kept alive by machines.   My oldest DS is the now the POA for finances and the executor of my will. My DD is in the healthcare field so she is my healthcare POA.      

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Sounds like your MIL's license has to be taken away. She's not in the right mind to be driving (I said this several months ago, as well).

The car needs to also disappear, otherwise what's to prevent her from getting behind the wheel (licensed or not) and possibly causing injury or (heaven forbid) death to someone else and/or herself?

As for her independence, there are seniors' residences that are "independent living" residences. (My mom moved into one when her house became too much work and she wasn't able to continue with the maintenance and upkeep any longer on her own. She also willingly gave up driving once she moved into the complex, since they provided everything she needed.

She had her own suite with living room, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom & den. She could make her own breakfast lunch or dinner, but the facility also had a dining room - where she could have dinner with other residents if she chose. They served dinner nightly.

They also had buses (handi-buses), for taking residents shopping for groceries, or to the mall, and also on day-trips/excursions on weekends or Dr appointments. It was a secure building, and 24-hour staff were on location - including quick access for medical care.

[marvholly]

Pat
Is your DH still home? I think he must be the one to push the decisions & you need to tell him outright that you are NO LONGER responsible for your MIL's well being and then NOT do anything unless there is a major emergency when he is out on the job. Be too busy. have too many appts of your own. Make a list of excuses for yourself & note who you tell what. Are there any other localish family members?

[Works4me]

Until you have actually tried to stop someone from driving you have no idea how difficult it can be, especially if the elderly person fights you tooth and nail.

[suesinfl]

Pat, many hugs for you. -grouphug-I know it’s hard with DH being gone, but I really don’t think he understands how hard this is on you. He’s only “hearing” things from you and not “seeing” things for himself. I think that you have/are doing the best for you MIL, but there comes a time when that person’s child has to take control of situations. Basically, your husband needs to step up, retire and deal with his mother. You say that financially you are doing well, so you don’t need him to work longer.
This is in no way to sound mean, but you really need to set some boundaries.
You sound like you need a break and hopefully you can travel soon. If you come to North Central Florida, PM me and maybe we can meet.

[Ombud]

Works4me, Dad wouldn't stop driving so we took the distributor cap off. Mechanic was in on it. So he couldn't drive. This was a guy who did MOST of the auto repairs. Let's you know how bad he'd gotten (that and he parked his car on the neighbor's truck). We got Mom's license denied then some guy at DMV felt sorry for her and gave her a five year extension. Couldn't drive. Got mad at the city because she said they made the curb so high it was hard to drive over them. As if you were supposed to drive over them. Hopefully, @patstab, you can get the license and car away from his mom before it hurts someone else. She would feel awful if that happened

I'm so glad we live in a metropolitan area as transportation is more readily available

[Sam_2.0]

Glad she has some companionship while you are away, Pat.

[Wisconsin Beth]

More hugs Pat.  And I hope you enjoy revisiting Texas! 

[Value Buy]

Pat, it upsets me you call your daughter crazy.

She is not crazy.

Reading your trials and tribulations, it is time for your husband to be home fulltime and help figure out the situation before it gets any worse.

Just a simple opinion .....it sure could not hurt the situation

[Ombud]

Pat, I'm so sorry your plate is overflowing! Breathe ... there's little else you can do ... and take a walk while the chips fall where they may.

1. MIL -- would it be so bad if APS took over & put her someplace safe? Can she afford it or will that fall on DH? Is cost his concern?

2. Auntie -- APS via PD. That's all. You can't save everyone unfortunately. No matter how hard you try or you'll be in her situation & DIL will be in yours

3. DD -- are there day centers where you can send her so you can rest? We have Links which pick up & drop off for $1. Then they spend the day in a day care center suitable for their special needs

What's the worst that can happen? You get rest, MIL & Auntie are in assisted living, DD is worn out during the day so she sleeps at night, DS & DIL doesn't have to deal with you in their shape but DH is upset that his mom needed more than the 2 of you could do.

[zibazinski]

Pat is getting caught between two and more people with crazy behaviors. If she wants to call them crazy here, she certainly has the right to. Her husband is sticking his head in the sand when he isn't hiding in another country and leaving her to deal with it. Both MIL and her DD need to be placed and would be in a NYM if her husband or anyone else had to deal with what she's been dealing with. Caring for my Grandfather killed my Grandmother. If she'd have lost her mind, he'd have had her in a home so fast her head would have spun off but she was "obligated" to care for him until her only escape was death. Fuck that shit. 

[zibazinski]

It's different for me at this point. Right now DH's issues are health related. He's in the hospital and it's still just about doing me in. I'm here for hours during the day and into the night. I go home to deal with critters and get some rest. If his mind goes or his body is more than he can handle on his own with slight help from me, into a home he goes with me checking in daily and often. With no notice or set schedule so he doesn't get ignored when I'm not there because they won't know when I'm showing up. Now if I can keep him at home and hire help, that's my first choice.

[zibazinski]

Btw, we have a guy next door who isn't mentally all there, they keep him sedated so that's how a hospital handles the mentally ill who need medical care. They don't have the staff to babysit. They had to call the de-escalation team yesterday. And security. After that, he's sedated and tied down.

[Lizard Queen]

Feb 11, 2015 12:13:06 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Btw, we have a guy next door who isn't mentally all there, they keep him sedated so that's how a hospital handles the mentally ill who need medical care. They don't have the staff to babysit. They had to call the de-escalation team yesterday. And security. After that, he's sedated and tied down.

That's what they had to do with my mom at the hospital, but it's their own fault.  They didn't give her the anti-anxiety meds she's been taking for over 30 years.  She was detoxing/withdrawing from it. An old classmate/facebook friend went through the same thing with her husband 2 days ago.  The hospital hadn't given him his anti-depressant and ADD meds for 4 days. 

[zibazinski]

That's why all patients need an advocate. DH can only take an iron pill called Fergon. No generics and not what the hospital uses for iron. So I brought his iron from home, they put their pharmacy tag on it and he takes it. It's sitting in his room. 

[Lizard Queen]

Watch, they'll probably try to charge him for it.

[Ombud]

Feb 11, 2015 12:09:42 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It's different for me at this point. Right now DH's issues are health related. He's in the hospital and it's still just about doing me in. I'm here for hours during the day and into the night. I go home to deal with critters and get some rest. If his mind goes or his body is more than he can handle on his own with slight help from me, into a home he goes with me checking in daily and often. With no notice or set schedule so he doesn't get ignored when I'm not there because they won't know when I'm showing up. Now if I can keep him at home and hire help, that's my first choice.

OMG! Not the way to start a new marriage

[Lizard Queen]

Feb 11, 2015 13:05:22 GMT -5 @patstab said:

That's right its different. These old ladies are not in the hospital, if their minds were in the shape of their bodies they would be incredible people.

The only way we can do anything is if they sign POA's and they will not because we will just put them away. It's so sad, they don't realize

what they are doing.

I don't know. If they bother the cops enough, maybe (hopefully) they'd do something, like maybe get a social worker involved?  .  

[Ombud]

We have a process called 5150 in California. Basically, if someone is 1 of 3 things (danger to yourself, danger to others, or unable to care for self), they can be hospitalized by the PD

[busymom]

I'm not sure what the process is called here, but in my Mom's case she had to go into the hospital for a medical issue. The hospital social worker realized she was not in good enough shape to be home alone, & I agreed, so after rehab she was first placed in an assisted-living apartment. As she declined, we moved her into a nursing home, where she still is today. (Maybe the difference is, I have her power-of-attorney, & didn't fight the authorities when they told me she shouldn't go back home? I don't know...)

[Opti]

Pat, Isn't DD on medication? If so, its possible medication might be causing these

issues and need to be changed or adjusted.

Sorry about the MIL and the sister.

[zibazinski]

Feb 11, 2015 13:20:40 GMT -5 Ombud said:

Feb 11, 2015 12:09:42 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It's different for me at this point. Right now DH's issues are health related. He's in the hospital and it's still just about doing me in. I'm here for hours during the day and into the night. I go home to deal with critters and get some rest. If his mind goes or his body is more than he can handle on his own with slight help from me, into a home he goes with me checking in daily and often. With no notice or set schedule so he doesn't get ignored when I'm not there because they won't know when I'm showing up. Now if I can keep him at home and hire help, that's my first choice.

OMG! Not the way to start a new marriage

I knew of his health issues before I married him. That's the main reason I did it. To protect him against his family who'd like to inherit quickly.

[Blonde Granny]

Pat, on another of the msg boards I read, the suggestion was to grab your camera phone or video thing and record the episodes that your daughter has. That way you can show the judge and any others what she is doing and what you are dealing with.