CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 17, 2014 10:36:11 GMT -5
Actually, around here a toaster WOULD be considered a suitable gift. (Granted, in the Midwest, folks tend to give gifts the couple would actually use, rather than dust-catchers that only get brought out once or twice a year).
And, around here a wedding registry is seen mostly as a wish list. I can't wait to see how many sets of towels, & other practical gifts that the bride wigs out about... I got a toaster for my wedding, and towels, and board games and a cooler... All stuff we registered for. I would have been bummed had I got crystal and china. My mother refused to register for crystal. She registered for pewter goblets instead. My Father's mother, went behind her back and got the store to alter the registry to include crystal. Mom was livid. She told my dad 'You fix this with your Mother THIS INSTANT or I will take every piece of crystal that comes into this house and shatter it against this fireplace! Do you understand?' Somehow the crystal disappeared from the registry.
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NancysSummerSip
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Nov 17, 2014 11:10:46 GMT -5
Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 17, 2014 11:10:46 GMT -5
I got a toaster for my wedding, and towels, and board games and a cooler... All stuff we registered for. I would have been bummed had I got crystal and china. My mother refused to register for crystal. She registered for pewter goblets instead. My Father's mother, went behind her back and got the store to alter the registry to include crystal. Mom was livid. She told my dad 'You fix this with your Mother THIS INSTANT or I will take every piece of crystal that comes into this house and shatter it against this fireplace! Do you understand?' Somehow the crystal disappeared from the registry. Kat, I your mom. Good for her for standing up for herself. I cannot imagine anyone changing anyone's registry. Buying off the registry, or giving cash, is one thing. But changing it is just so out there. I received most of my china pattern as a gift from my mother, and we filled in the rest. It's an odd-looking pattern (mostly black, with some white and pink) and I think she was the only one (besides us) who appreciated it. Our stemware was clear with black stems, which may have spooked a few people. They must have thought we were stocking a funeral home or something. I still like it, though...we are using some of it for Thanksgiving, mixing it with my grandma's flower-bordered, gold-rimmed Limoges and my mother's white, silver-rimmed Wedgwood.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Nov 17, 2014 11:38:03 GMT -5
This. Zib, why are you buying anything at all for someone who you so obviously dislike, have no consideration for, and have often lambasted here?
IMO it's because she loves the father.
I have done things because I didn't want to regret not doing them at a later date.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 17, 2014 11:51:32 GMT -5
This. Zib, why are you buying anything at all for someone who you so obviously dislike, have no consideration for, and have often lambasted here?
IMO it's because she loves the father.
I have done things because I didn't want to regret not doing them at a later date.
Definitely. It's a very loving thing to do - to be supportive of someone even if you're doing something you otherwise wouldn't.
I'm just going to hazard a guess, but neither the father nor the daughter needs more money or stuff right now. Crystal, china, sheets, cash... if you want to put on a PC outward show of "doing the right thing" then any of those will be fine. But if you really want to support and love the father, as tough as it might be, IMHO the biggest gift you could possibly give is to be kind and nonjudgmental of the daughter. Even just cleaning up the extremely inflammatory language used to describe DF's family would be a huge gift and probably greatly appreciated. Parents, even when they know their kid is screwing up, still love their kids and it's very hurtful to have to deal with knowing someone you love hates your kid.
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zibazinski
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Nov 17, 2014 11:56:40 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2014 11:56:40 GMT -5
True that. Do parents who are paying for portion of wedding even buy gifts? Or are huge checks toward wedding costs considered the "gift?" Since my kids aren't married, no clue
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Ombud
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Nov 17, 2014 12:01:56 GMT -5
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Post by Ombud on Nov 17, 2014 12:01:56 GMT -5
Single me paid for DS Wedding, shower, rehearsal dinner, and gave them 4 s'mores skewers from Williams Sonoma. ... they're big on camping and had already been living together for a year
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zibazinski
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Nov 17, 2014 12:30:26 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2014 12:30:26 GMT -5
So some kind of gift is appropriate then?
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CarolinaKat
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Nov 17, 2014 12:32:00 GMT -5
Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 17, 2014 12:32:00 GMT -5
True that. Do parents who are paying for portion of wedding even buy gifts? Or are huge checks toward wedding costs considered the "gift?" Since my kids aren't married, no clue My parents bought me a gift. Well they bought me a personal gift and DH a personal gift. But then again, they weren't paying for the wedding. They did surprise me and pay the balance of the catering bill without my knowledge. I went to pay the caterer and she said 'Oh Honey, your Mom already got to us!' DH's mother surprised the heck out of me by giving me a check to cover the rehearsal dinner and then a 'present check.' Then she refused to make them out to DH because she didn't think he'd cash them. Then she made me promise to cash them in front of my BILs and SILs so I couldn't wiggle out of it. So I got gifts from both my parents and my ILs. They also both ended up paying a portion of the wedding expenses. However we didn't plan on or expect them to cover anything, so i'm not sure this situation applies.
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skubikky
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Nov 17, 2014 12:35:50 GMT -5
Post by skubikky on Nov 17, 2014 12:35:50 GMT -5
This. Zib, why are you buying anything at all for someone who you so obviously dislike, have no consideration for, and have often lambasted here?
IMO it's because she loves the father.
I have done things because I didn't want to regret not doing them at a later date.
You're right. Of course her love and caring for her DF is the reason. And, it's the right thing to do.
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muttleynfelix
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Nov 17, 2014 12:38:50 GMT -5
Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 17, 2014 12:38:50 GMT -5
True that. Do parents who are paying for portion of wedding even buy gifts? Or are huge checks toward wedding costs considered the "gift?" Since my kids aren't married, no clue My parents did. Granted my entire wedding was about $10k and they got mad at me because I insisted on paying for half my dress. I think they gave us some additional money, but I don't remember (it was 9 years and 2 kids ago, give me a break ). I know of parents of the groom that paid for parts of the wedding and then paid for the honeymoon (the brother of my good friend for one and my aunt and uncle did so for my cousin for the other person I know about).
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Deleted
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Nov 17, 2014 12:51:29 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 12:51:29 GMT -5
Our parents gave us money. My mother had opened a CD when I was born so that paid for the wedding and we got the balance for a present since we barely reached $4000. My dad paid for the cake. We were already shacked up and his parents had bought our living room furniture and my dad got us our vacuum so no registry. I have my mom's white Wedgewood china with the platinum band so I was good for that. No shower, rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids, groomsmen or any of that here. We were definitely less expensive than his 3 older brothers. His twin went the simple route like us as well. It amuses me because they are nothing alike but we did similar things for our weddings. Well, except for the fact that his bride was imported from China. Literally, she came here from China about 6 months before. For his family, cash is the way to go anyway. Hey, fine with me. They paid for our honeymoon and our new bed. The only personal gift I got that day were a pair of earring from my mom because our wedding day was also my college graduation day. FINALLY. Having my friend perform our ceremony was also a gift. Saved us from dealing with the religious issues and we didn't really want a JP although we would have if need be. Massachusetts lets you file for a one day license thing to perform a wedding ceremony. Worked for me!
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NancysSummerSip
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Nov 17, 2014 12:55:42 GMT -5
Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 17, 2014 12:55:42 GMT -5
His twin went the simple route like us as well. It amuses me because they are nothing alike but we did similar things for our weddings. Well, except for the fact that his bride was imported from China. Literally, she came here from China about 6 months before. Sorry, but I LOL'ed at this. Not in a mean way, just got a funny picture in my head of boxes and crates scattered around the living room, and the brother opening them and saying, "Oh, good, all the stuff for the wedding arrived on time, including the bride!"
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 17, 2014 13:02:10 GMT -5
I hope bio brat is prepared for receiving 225 toasters That's what I would give in case of such a glaring money grab! What's she supposed to do? Register for hundreds of things she doesn't want or need? This is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 17, 2014 13:12:57 GMT -5
Williams Sonoma, Macy's, and bed bath and beyond. Two things at BB and B. A dozen at Macy's. The rest at Williams Sonoma. Does anyone else find it funny that the store she wants the most stuff at is Williams Sonoma but she doesn't want any kitchen stuff? What does she want from there, some exotic vinegar? I'm trying to imagine how that would be wrapped to put on the gift table.
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The Captain
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Nov 17, 2014 13:15:45 GMT -5
Post by The Captain on Nov 17, 2014 13:15:45 GMT -5
When DH and I got married I had lived on my own for several years. He, OTOH, was moving out of his parent's house. As such, there wasn't a lot we truly needed. When we registered, it was for "nice to haves". He wanted a china set (I didn't but that is what compromise is all about). Some nicer pots and pans then the hand me downs I was using, an espresso brewer. I already had a nice set of flatware that my mom had built up for me over the years. See, in my family we always though I was the one who would be a spinster so if there was something nice I wanted, I either got if (within budget or reason) or it was given as a bday or holiday gift. So we didn't have a lot on our registry either. This wasn't an issue though as we had a very small wedding. In some ways it was nice because people gave us what they thought we might like/use. His parents (besides a check) gave us a beautiful set of salad bowls with a big salad bowl. I broke the big one but we still use the individual bowls to this day. His grandma gave us some cutting boards, my parents got us the new pots and pans. DH and I both love to cook and our families knew us well . AND - I'm with swamp - the extra wide slot toaster has lasted for over 20 years and gets used several times a week. That was from my sister.
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Cookies Galore
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Nov 17, 2014 13:16:17 GMT -5
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 17, 2014 13:16:17 GMT -5
True that. Do parents who are paying for portion of wedding even buy gifts? Or are huge checks toward wedding costs considered the "gift?" Since my kids aren't married, no clue Egads, here's my list (dad and stepmom paid for reception, invitations, my dress and alterations, flowers): Calphalon cookware and accessories (shower gift) Stepmom sent flowers and a care package to my work shower Our accomodations in Aruba (their time share with Marriott) $5,000 wedding gift to start our house fund I feel like there was more. My stepmom went kind of wedding crazy. Hubs' mom paid for the dj, photobooth, and rehearsal cocktails, and gave us $1300 ($1000 six months before wedding, $300 as wedding gift). We are ridiculously lucky. I did not expect the extreme generosity. We register for a lot; roughly 90 things at bed, bath & beyond and 40 at Macy's. We invited a little over 100 people. We registered for that much so there was a variety of price points for people who wanted to buy us something. We also registered for some pricey stuff so we could take advantage of the completion discounts (bedding, luggage, etc.). All that stuff was purchased as gifts. We were very grateful and excited.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 17, 2014 13:19:26 GMT -5
I will add that some nationalities money is the expected gift for a wedding. At all the Italian weddings I have been to it has almost been looked at as rude to bring a gift that wasn't cash.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 17, 2014 13:26:56 GMT -5
This. Zib, why are you buying anything at all for someone who you so obviously dislike, have no consideration for, and have often lambasted here?
IMO it's because she loves the father.
I have done things because I didn't want to regret not doing them at a later date.
I do lots of things I don't "want" to for SO's kids. It comes with the territory, unfortunately. I think she vents here about them because there is no where else to vent about them; you can't really vent about your frustrations (entirely) to the parent, and there's no one else except maybe IRL friends. So I don't take what Zib says particularly hard on her. Obviously she treats them OK IRL. That said, I always just give money to a couple when they are getting married (or a GC, etc). I know it's "untactful" to not register for crap, but seriously, I don't know why in our culture giving money is so frowned upon. Most other cultures do money and it's not a "cash" grab. It's practical and a way to help out some people starting their lives together. NBD.
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zibazinski
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Nov 17, 2014 13:51:18 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2014 13:51:18 GMT -5
I offered them a free honeymoon via my timeshare. They weren't intetested. Well, HE was but I'm thinking she didn't want to take anything from ME. Understandable. She's still upset that DF made a reservation at the venue for two people. Meaning the two of us. If I don't attend he won't go which really puts me in a tough spot. I don't want to ruin her day or her mothers. Neither do I wish to be glared at as the evil stepmother. Yikes
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Nov 17, 2014 13:57:06 GMT -5
Go since he won't otherwise
Keep a low profile
'Gift' a check .... either she'll cash it or not
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HoneyBBQ
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Nov 17, 2014 13:57:57 GMT -5
Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 17, 2014 13:57:57 GMT -5
Haven't they been divorced for years? She really needs to move on and realize that the two of you can probably attend the same event and not be (too) uncomfortable. She doesn't have to sit you two (mom and stepmom) at the same table for heaven's sake!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Nov 17, 2014 14:06:07 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 17, 2014 14:06:07 GMT -5
I don't use my china monthly or anything, but now that I have been married 17 years (as of yesterday ) and the towels are gone, the coffee maker is long dead, the money I got is either spent or mixed in with all the money I have saved over the years and I can't even remember all the other stuff that has been broken or used up or whatever - I'm glad I have some really nice plates that remind me that a bunch of people loved me enough to buy bits and pieces for to come together and get a nice whole set. It is like a community thing - everyone who cared for me pooled their resources and gave me one big gift, and every Christmas when I pull it out I am reminded that I made a choice to marry, and I was supported by a group of people who wanted to see that happen, and for us to be happy. But, as I said - some people thought I was being silly for partaking in such an old fashioned thing like getting china. And if I hadn't, a bunch of people would have thought I was stupid for not getting china. Brides can't win. as my mother said, if you don't get china and crystal for wedding gifts, chances are you aren't going to go out and buy it yourself. I told DH and anyone who asked - I wasn't picking out china patterns. When I was ready for china, I was going to start hitting the resale shops for it. $300-$500 for just about everything. My sister who DID register for china rec'd 3-4 partial settings. I figured I'd have a similar situation so it wasn't worth the energy to pick out a pattern. Told DH that if he cared that much about registering for china that he could go do it. We did register for some crystal, most of which we did receive, as I recall. Some of it we use weekly, some not - balloon snifters are really not useful but DH wanted them and since I picked out a bunch of stuff because I wanted it; I wasn't going to tell him not to put it on the registry. Fair's fair after all.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 14:09:05 GMT -5
Haven't they been divorced for years? She really needs to move on and realize that the two of you can probably attend the same event and not be (too) uncomfortable. She doesn't have to sit you two (mom and stepmom) at the same table for heaven's sake! Sometimes it's easier said than done. By the time my sister and I got married, our parents were able to be in the same room and even at the same table for our weddings. 5-10, years before that, maybe not. They did NOT like each other for the longest time after the divorce and my dad was a particularly big dick at times. Maybe because he got custody and I wasn't always the treasure I am now? Who knows. But some people will just be stupid about things just because they can. It's human nature.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Nov 17, 2014 14:09:19 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 17, 2014 14:09:19 GMT -5
Well, if I buy her towels set, I will remove 6 out of 12 things on her Macy's list ... Not even sheets are on the registery! He sleeps in a twin and she does, too! Weird. So buy sheets! You're not the parent and she obviously is doing the new 'go fundme' route. She'll be disappointed but that's her problem But what size to buy? Twin? (Beth smirks evilly); Queen? King? You don't know what size.
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Ombud
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Nov 17, 2014 14:15:10 GMT -5
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Post by Ombud on Nov 17, 2014 14:15:10 GMT -5
So buy sheets! You're not the parent and she obviously is doing the new 'go fundme' route. She'll be disappointed but that's her problem But what size to buy? Twin? (Beth smirks evilly); Queen? King? You don't know what size. Yeah. So I re-thought. Why gift something she'll have to return (which will drum up more resentment). Give a check with a congratulatory note.
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quince
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Nov 17, 2014 14:18:27 GMT -5
Post by quince on Nov 17, 2014 14:18:27 GMT -5
A gift should be something you want to give, that they believe that the receiver wants to receive. It's not really a gift if it's got strings attached or is a passive-aggressive lesson.
I think it's rude to ask for gifts, I think it's rude to dictate what should be given and be huffy if orders aren't followed- I think it's rude to give a gift you know the receiver won't like...I don't think it's rude NOT to give a gift. Dressing events up with "gimme-gimme" expectations is kind of ugly, in my opinion. I don't like the idea of registries as a must-have: I think wish lists are best saved for kids writing to Santa. I do think registries are great for stores: you can sell items at prices people will never spend on themselves, but will totally spend for a gift, since the utility they get from it is the gift given, and will totally have other people spend money on for them, since they don't care the cost if someone else is paying it.
Zib, why would your DF make you go somewhere you're uncomfortable? I get wanting to show that you're a team and she can't exclude you, but if she's going to be unhappy with it, and YOU are going to be unhappy with it, I'm not sure what is gained from the display.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2014 14:24:16 GMT -5
Yup, sheets are out. I'm not about to ask her the sleeping arrangements. I hope the Mom brings a date. . But she won't because that would not be in keeping with her new "pining" persona. How do I disappear at rehearsal dinner? Where do I sit? What do I do with myself when I know so few people and those who didn't take sides, will be careful that day to be on HER side so as to not ruin her day. The Mom's not the daughters. I'm going to be the turd in the punch bowl. In bio's mind, if it weren't for me, her parents would have reconciled. She might even be right. My presence there reminds her that her fantasy isn't real. I don't want to ruin her day, the bride's. I may not like or trust her but it's her day.
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zibazinski
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Nov 17, 2014 14:28:28 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 17, 2014 14:28:28 GMT -5
In HIS mind, if I don't go, he thinks she will think she can still call the shots the way she always has. He already told Her he would not dance with her mother. To not even put him in that situation. My EXs parents were divorced and it was only us that danced the bridal dance to OUR song so it was a non issue. But no way would his parents have danced togerher. EXs dad remarried of course but his mom didn't. Awkward.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Nov 17, 2014 15:51:29 GMT -5
I will add that some nationalities money is the expected gift for a wedding. At all the Italian weddings I have been to it has almost been looked at as rude to bring a gift that wasn't cash. Now we're getting somewhere. Until quite recently (when the Brangelina type of weddings - live together for a number of years, have couple of kids, and then get married- became popular) it is was comsidered crass to gift money at a wedding. Hence my joke (and yes for those of you who did not get it, it was a joke) of "to prepare for receiving 225 toasters"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 15:53:53 GMT -5
I will add that some nationalities money is the expected gift for a wedding. At all the Italian weddings I have been to it has almost been looked at as rude to bring a gift that wasn't cash. Now we're getting somewhere. Until quite recently (when the Brangelina type of weddings - live together for a number of years, have couple of kids, and then get married- became popular) it is was comsidered crass to gift money at a wedding. Hence my joke (and yes for those of you who did not get it, it was a joke) of "to prepare for receiving 225 toasters" I got married in 1990 and money was one of the standard wedding gifts in my area (china/crystal/silver were the other). you also didn't bring gifts to the wedding except for money envelopes.
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