The "Default Parent"

[Firebird]

Why would anyone want to live like a single parent when they weren't one?

www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/the-default-parent_b_6031128.html

1.  I can get behind the idea of a "default parent" if one of you stays at home.  It would be silly for the working parent to be the one keeping track of school related stuff, clothes shopping, that kind of thing.  It also makes sense for there to be a "default" on most parenting tasks (though I definitely take issue with the idea that it always has to be the same person).  HOWEVER...

2.  The "backup" parent should STILL BE MEETING THE NEEDS OF THEIR CHILD.  The DP should NOT be the "one responsible for the emotional, physical and logistical needs of the children" 24/7.  (I also find "backup parent" a very insulting and condescending term.)

3.  WHY would anyone put up with the non-DP (supposedly their partner) checking out completely?  She states in the article that she's taken FIVE showers without interruption.  That is completely ridiculous when there's a fully competent fellow parent in the house.  But she does it because...

4.  She's a total martyr.  She says this at the end of the article:

I'm sitting in my kitchen, wearing fuzzy socks, writing about the mythical idea in my head called "the default parent," because it took me a long time to figure out why I was so damned worn out. I honestly think the default parent is a good idea and probably necessary for the survival of the species. Otherwise, kids would be left places, doing blow, and the whole operation would fall apart.

We get it, honey.  You're a super special snowflake and your idiot husband can't possibly be trusted to keep your children alive while you step out for an hour to get your nails done.  And you're sooooooooo exhausted because of this.  (Who decided to have 3 kids with a total deadweight spouse, by the way?)

I understand that families are different, and I get that there's often a default parent in the sense that one parent generally takes the reins on kid-related stuff.  But articles like this go way further and reinforce the already deeply-entrenched societal idea that it's okay for non-DPs (usually dads) to blow off their kids and leave Mom holding the bag on a regular basis.  See also:  referring to a dad hanging out with his kid one on one as "babysitting."

[ArchietheDragon]

My wife is the default parent. 

[Firebird]

My wife is the default parent.

By that, do you mean that you NEVER engage with your kids?  That your wife can't even take a shower alone because you are too incompetent to look after things for fifteen minutes?  Because that's how this lady presented her husband.

A default parent isn't necessarily a bad thing but taking no active role in the raising of your own children is, at least to me. 

[ArchietheDragon]

Oct 29, 2014 15:19:02 GMT -5 Firebird said:

My wife is the default parent.

By that, do you mean that you NEVER engage with your kids?  That your wife can't even take a shower alone because you are too incompetent to look after things for fifteen minutes?  Because that's how this lady presented her husband.

A default parent isn't necessarily a bad thing but taking no active role in the raising of your own children is, at least to me. 

no.  Just that she handles all of the doctor stuff, school stuff, daycare stuff, babysitter stuff, clothes buying, present buying, paperwork stuff and generally all of the important stuff. 

[Firebird]

We don't have a default parent in our house - which isn't to say that equally share every little duty.  Of course not.  We both have days when we do more, days when we do less.  But the point is that it's no problem for one of us to be away from our daughter for awhile.  The other one can handle her alone.  That's how it should be. 

What if this lady gets hit by a truck tomorrow?  Her husband is just supposed to stand around cluelessly because he has no idea of the kids' needs, basic schedule, activities? 

The only reason for a truly default parent (as described in this article) to exist is if the other parent is dead, in jail, or otherwise not in the picture.  But at that point you're not a "default" parent, you're a SINGLE parent.  I can't fathom why anyone would put up with their spouse acting like they don't have kids or any responsibilities to them. 

[Firebird]

no. Just that she handles all of the doctor stuff, school stuff, daycare stuff, babysitter stuff, clothes buying, present buying, paperwork stuff and generally all of the important stuff.

That's understandable.  Especially if she stays home.  It's the way the OP presented her husband in this article that burned me up.  She made it sound like she handled all this stuff because her husband COULDN'T, not because it made more sense for her to do it. 

DH and I take point on different things.  I take care of a lot of the stuff you mentioned above but he COULD (and often DOES) if necessary because they are OUR duties, not "my" duties. 

[Deleted]

My situation was like Archie's.  I handled most of the kid stuff as far as getting them to daycare or the doctor, filling out field trip forms and making sure they had clothes.  Dad was still involved, but it was more under direction.    Could you please pick up Sam from school tomorrow kind of things.  The Dad's were cool with playing with them, changing them and giving them baths, or putting them to bed, but I kind of set the routine.

[Firebird]

The Dad's were cool with playing with them, changing them and giving them baths, or putting them to bed, but I kind of set the routine.

I totally get that.  It makes sense for one parent to be more of the "organizer" and it's probably going to be the person who spends the most time with the kids.  I don't actually have a problem with the term "default parent," but I think most of us define it pretty differently than she did.  

I had a lot of trouble with the way she presented her husband as totally worthless.  And the way she responded by turning herself into a martyr. 

When a pregnant friend asks me for advice, the first thing I always say is "Make sure that you let your partner share in the parenting duties, especially at first.  This can be tough if you're breastfeeding because you will be the person the baby 'needs' most but make sure your partner understands that even if s/he can't take care of the baby, s/he can still take care of YOU.  There is zero reason to go three days without showering or a moment to yourself." 

I personally can't imagine procreating with someone I couldn't trust to take care of my child as well as I could.  Or someone I was afraid to leave my child alone with because all hell would break loose. 

[ArchietheDragon]

I guess I theoretically could handle it.   I would not want to test it out, though..... 

[Deleted]

Well first ex would do fine.  He's incredibly unorganized, but he wouldn't do stupid things.  I think he's pretty much the default parent in his current marriage and his wife stays home. 

[midjd]

I handle most of the logistical stuff, but I did that even before DD was born  DH probably changes more diapers than I do. I take her to daycare and usually pick her up, since he works 20 miles in the other direction, but he gets her up, dressed, and her bottles ready. I put her to bed, because it hurts his back to bend over the crib for very long. He is an early riser, so he gets up with her on the Saturdays he doesn't work (and every Sunday) and lets me sleep in til 11 or later. He is definitely the "fun" parent but he does a lot of the grunt work, too. He's always asking me if there's anything he can do to help.

I can't imagine parenting with a partner who essentially did nothing... but I know plenty of people do it, because I grew up with one. 

A lot of people (especially those in my parents' generation) who see DH interact with DD tell me how lucky I am -- and I am, no doubt -- but at the same time I want to ask how many men are told that they're lucky their wives take a 50%+ role in parenting? 

[973beachbum]

Oct 29, 2014 15:29:47 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My situation was like Archie's.  I handled most of the kid stuff as far as getting them to daycare or the doctor, filling out field trip forms and making sure they had clothes.  Dad was still involved, but it was more under direction.    Could you please pick up Sam from school tomorrow kind of things.  The Dad's were cool with playing with them, changing them and giving them baths, or putting them to bed, but I kind of set the routine.

I was driving with my DD once and we passed the Dr's office DS goes to and I asked DD to remember it in case I died, because their Dad would never know it.  I'm not even sure he realized they were in different school systems the last 4 years.??  Different schools yes, different schools systems probably not.  He has never in their lives filled out a school form.

It isn't that he doesn't love them or wouldn't do anything when asked.  He just doesn't take any initiative.  I have to ask him to do something like pick DS up from something and although he knows what things like soccer, band ect DS does he woudn't be able to say what day and times he had practices if a gun was put to his head.

And yeah I have had kids run into the bathroom when I was in the shower, and their dad was sitting in his chair when they ran past him.

[Firebird]

A lot of people (especially those in my parents' generation) who see DH interact with DD tell me how lucky I am -- and I am, no doubt -- but at the same time I want to ask how many men are told that they're lucky their wives take a 50%+ role in parenting?

Exactly!  I'm lucky to have DH, sure, but if he wasn't willing to interact with Babybird or take an equally active role in raising her, she wouldn't be here right now.  We probably wouldn't even be married.  Luck had very little to do with that part. 

It really burns my cheese when this kind of thing is presented as normal.  Or not that big a deal.  On a micro scale, whatever works for your family is fine by me - but on a macro scale, it really does bother me that so many people think a husband who doesn't take an active role in parenting is normal or okay.  Because that makes it so much easier for women and men alike to internalize that idea and act accordingly. 

[Deleted]

I was definitely the default parent even though I worked FT. My husband never met DS's caregiver till DS was 8 months old and that was when we went to pick up her teenage daughter who was going to accompany us on vacation with DS.  Never met DS' pediatrician, either. When I went to Brussels on business when DS was 18 months old, DS stayed at the babysitters's 24/7 because husband didn't feel equipped to take care of him.  (Babysitter reported that he did keep DS at home one night and returned him in a clean change of clothes with fresh diapers.)  He once actually said, "I do what I care to".

Why did I breed with this guy?  Blame it on my biological clock.  He did get better as DS got a little older and could walk, talk and eat people food.  Part of it was that he was terrified of doing something wrong and accidentally killing him but most of it was laziness.  After I started dating current DH and DS got comfortable with him, I realized how wonderful it was to have a partner.  It actually got to the point where he was indifferent as to whether I drove him back to HS (60 miles away) after a weekend home or DH (then BF) did.  He went to a military school and he and DH could talk about military politics since DH was ex-Navy.

I was so impressed when a coworker went off on her first overnight client visit after she got back form having her baby girl. Her husband took are of her and, before he took the baby off to day care, took a picture of her and sent it to my coworker. That's a real Daddy.

Finally, a funny story about the Clinton White House years:  Chelsea was at school and they needed parental permission to give her an aspirin or something similar.  She was said to have told them. "Call my Dad- Mom is too busy".

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think some women get off on being martyrs.  It can be ego boosting to think you're the only one who can do anything right.

And if you perpetuate that attitude towards your spouse why would he want to help?   I know I check out if every time I do something it isn't good enough and I am treated like an idi

If you want help you have to accept that person is not you and will not behave like you.   For example it drives me insane that DH leaves diapers ON TOP of the garbage can or sitting on the changing mat, how hard is it to actually open the dang lid and put the diaper INSIDE the garbage can?

I can either nag him to death about it until he decides "Screw it" or I can let it go because in the grand scheme of things I'd rather have help.

I'm for the most part the default parent for Abby since I breastfeed.   DH has become the default parent for Gwen since he can't nurse and therefore has more free time than I do.   We're still working on finding a balance dividing our time between two kids.

I handle all things medical/dental because DH is a nervous nelly and up until now his job frowned heavily on taking any time off.  My job is way more flexible in terms of taking time off/arriving late/leaving early.   I can usually set things up so I can leave for an hour then come back.

We're hoping to trade off now that he has a job that is a lot more family friendly.

Same with pick ups and drop offs.  I tend to be the default parent because my hours are pretty set, they don't want me working a lot of overtime.   DH works in a production environment and is quality control so he must stay until the job is done, so that means staying till 6 pm that's what he has to do.

[billisonboard]

Oct 29, 2014 15:34:16 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...

I had a lot of trouble with the way she presented her husband as totally worthless. 

He's also incredibly helpful and an awesome husband and parent. (From the article that I was taken to when I clicked the link in the OP)

Did you read a different article than you have linked?

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 15:46:25 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I think some women get off on being martyrs.  It can be ego boosting to think you're the only one who can do anything right.

That's my SIL.  Her and her husband have 5 kids and she's a SAHM.  She is on Facebook, all the freaking time complaining about how hard her job is as a mom with running kids here and there and one is sick and two are fighting and she needs to make 75 lunches for the week, clean up dog puke and go to a PTA meeting. 

It gets really old, especially since 4 of her 5 kids are in school now. 

[ArchietheDragon]

And if it was up to me, the kids would not be doing soccer, or dance or swimming lessons, or pool club or music lessons, or baby yoga, or trips to the library, or anything.  And they would not have a ton of clothes that I have to go buy, or a ton or toys.   They wouldn't get but one present at birthdays or Christmas, etc, etc, etc.    Maybe I am just the grinch. 

[Firebird]

Same with pick ups and drop offs. I tend to be the default parent because my hours are pretty set, they don't want me working a lot of overtime. DH works in a production environment and is quality control so he must stay until the job is done, so that means staying till 6 pm that's what he has to do.

Yup.  That's why I agree that it makes sense to have a default parent on most things.  But it doesn't always have to be the same person.  And it would be nice if both parties were open to changing the "default" if circumstances suggested it. 

When I was working far from home and DH was close, he handled it when there was an emergency with Babybird's daycare or she had to go home or she had a doctor's appointment.  Now that I work 10 minutes from home and have a lot more flexibility in my schedule, it makes sense for me to do those things.  So now I'm the default for that stuff. 

To me that is normal.  Sharing logistics based on who is able to do the job most capably and most easily at any given moment. 

I do think it's important for both parents to be capable of everything though.  I would really worry if DH didn't even know where BB's doctor or daycare was located. 

[Firebird]

Did you read a different article than you have linked?

No, I just found that part really hollow and insincere, because the picture she painted totally contradicted it. 

Remember how your English teacher always told you "Show, don't tell"?  That's partially because the things you show might be very different from the story you think you're telling. 

She told us her husband was great with the kids, but she showed us a worthless doormat who worked outside the house and mowed the lawn and pretty much nothing else. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

On bathroom time, I don't know anyone who has a small child who gets alone time in the bathroom.    I lock the door, but then she proceeds to stand outside the door and talk to me.   DH and I got the biggest kick out of The Honest Toddler and her book.  It contains the laws of parenthood and one of them is "You are not allowed to shower alone. . EVER"

[billisonboard]

Oct 29, 2014 15:56:58 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...

Remember how your English teacher always told you "Show, don't tell"? ...

No. I never had an English teacher say that to me. I think you might be projecting.

[happyhoix]

I think some women get off on being martyrs. It can be ego boosting to think you're the only one who can do anything right.

Some of it is a control issue, too.

DS bitches all the time about having to do everything for her kids, and granted her DH spends a lot of time either working overtime or at the gym, but DS wouldn't allow him to take the kids to the doctors or talk to the teachers because DS needs to be in control of those things. She's a helilcopter parent on steroids, and her DH would be entirely too casual about life and death issues like what clothes the kids wear or what goes in their lunch box. He would probably let them wear the same clothes they had on yesterday, and might stick a protein bar in the lunch bag - horrors.

[Firebird]

Show:

When she cried, he didn't, even for a second, pause what he was doing and consider getting her.

But, in my defense, the lawn and spiders don't say "mommy" a hundred times a day, and his boss doesn't come on vacation with him. Just sayin'. And he'd be the first to admit that I got the short end of the stick. His face hurts when I rattle off only the few things I manage.

And while he's chatting with me lackadaisically about how he can "help," I'm simultaneously showing a crying George how to borrow in math, a concept a second grader can't understand at all, making dinner (OK, fine, boiling pasta), and trying to return one last work email.

They don't get a break unless they physically remove themselves completely from their families... and throw their phones in a lake. Even when they do get a weekend away, they leave a detailed spreadsheet of daily activities organized by event time with notes. They arrange carpools and playdates, and leave a wrapped present for the birthday party. The non-default parent? They just leave.

Tell: 

He's also incredibly helpful and an awesome husband and parent.

Uh huh.

For the record, I don't think the husband is totally to blame in this case.  Like NomoreDramaQ1015 said, why would he want to help if she was constantly shoving him away and minimizing his role in the kids' life?  That would put anyone off.  But yeah, I don't think you could call him a "helpful and awesome" parent unless you define those terms a lot differently than I do.

[Firebird]

DH and I got the biggest kick out of The Honest Toddler and her book. It contains the laws of parenthood and one of them is "You are not allowed to shower alone. . EVER"

Have you read "Toddlers Are Assholes"?  It's even funnier.

[Chocolate Lover]

Oct 29, 2014 15:49:42 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Oct 29, 2014 15:34:16 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...

I had a lot of trouble with the way she presented her husband as totally worthless. 

He's also incredibly helpful and an awesome husband and parent. (From the article that I was taken to when I clicked the link in the OP)

Did you read a different article than you have linked?

That's pretty much lip service to shut him up if he happens to read it. 

She loves being the martyr though, I haven't been interrupted in the shower in I couldn't tell you how long. It's amazing how well kids will take instruction if you actually mean it.  

[billisonboard]

Link to the author's Web site: www.mblazoned.com/

[Firebird]

She loves being the martyr though, I haven't been interrupted in the shower in I couldn't tell you how long. It's amazing how well kids will take instruction if you actually mean it.

Seriously! 

"Kids, I'm going to take a shower.  The door will be locked.  Unless the house is on fire, don't bother me.  Daddy is right here if you need anything."

It's not that complicated. 

Yeah, toddlers are tricky but older kids ought to be able to respect basic rules and rely on both parents.  When I first read that section, my first thought was "OMG SET SOME BOUNDARIES WOMAN!" 

[muttleynfelix]

I think she is a martyr and her husband is completely capable of doing all the things she thinks he isn't. 

The first time I knew I was the default parent was when our first child was napping and Dan and I were painting the guest room. When she cried, he didn't, even for a second, pause what he was doing and consider getting her.

So.  

The logistics are on me.

This doesn't make you the default parent. This makes you the logistics parent.  Own it, get over it. 

They know their kids' sizes, including shoes, dammit.

Neither one of us knew our kids shoe sizes when we were out shopping 6 months ago.  Honest to god.  

I've taken exactly five showers in my house without being bothered by a child and his or her immediate need

Then shower before the kids go to bed. Shower before they wake up. There is an easy solution to this one.  Good god, get over yourself.  

[Angel!]

Oct 29, 2014 15:15:57 GMT -5 Firebird said:

4.  She's a total martyr. 

I'm sure her DH would be a perfectly fine parent if she was willing to give up any responsibility.  She has created this situation, allowed her life to become this, & now complains.  It does make sense that one parent is mostly in charge of the logistics & scheduling, especially if one parent works less.  But, she has taken it way too far.

And seriously, the shower thing...I have 3 kids under 6 & don't get interrupted that often.  Lock the f'ing door, or tell you DH to make sure the kids allow you to shower in peace, or shower after they go to sleep.  I usually do the last one.  It isn't rocket science, if it is a problem, then solve it instead of bitching & acting like a matyr.