Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 29, 2014 16:11:34 GMT -5
My wife is the default parent. By that, do you mean that you NEVER engage with your kids? That your wife can't even take a shower alone because you are too incompetent to look after things for fifteen minutes? Because that's how this lady presented her husband. A default parent isn't necessarily a bad thing but taking no active role in the raising of your own children is, at least to me. I think it means he's the babysitter - like most dads.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 29, 2014 16:12:34 GMT -5
*flame suit on*
I would dare say that 90% of couples with kids have a default parent. Hate it or love it, that is the way it is.
And if she is a stay at home spouse, I would think her husband is doing a major thing: supporting the household.
Archie made a good point: most of those things that kids are involved in are important to their mothers, so no surprise they are left to do the chaperoning/driving.
I doubt the husband is useless, being the only breadwinner is no easy feast, all the pressure of bringing in an income is on him with no backups.
He has a job, and her job is to manage the house which she does.
Flame on
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 29, 2014 16:12:45 GMT -5
She loves being the martyr though, I haven't been interrupted in the shower in I couldn't tell you how long. It's amazing how well kids will take instruction if you actually mean it.
Seriously! "Kids, I'm going to take a shower. The door will be locked. Unless the house is on fire, don't bother me. Daddy is right here if you need anything." It's not that complicated. Yeah, toddlers are tricky but older kids ought to be able to respect basic rules and rely on both parents. When I first read that section, my first thought was "OMG SET SOME BOUNDARIES WOMAN!" My bathroom door doesn't have a lock and no one walks in and interrupts me. They're all old enough to know better, but seriously, I'd have skinned DH if he didn't corral the kids when I was in the shower.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 29, 2014 16:14:49 GMT -5
I'm the default parent.
My spouse is of course 100% willing to do anything I tell him. But it's just that. I have to tell him.
I'm the organizer. I'm the multi-tasker. I'm the one who gets things done. It's just the way it is.
- my work is by my kid's daycare. My spouse's work is 20 minutes the other direction from our house. So I do all the pickups and drop offs unless I'm out of town. - My spouse is hard of hearing. I'm the one that always hears the child in the middle of the night whining or crying. I can wake him up and he'll go tend to her, but the damage is already done; my sleep is shit. - I'm the one who schedules the dentist, the doctor, the shots. He just won't think of that stuff. He can hardly handle his own loaded schedule of appointments, etc. - He also has his other two kids who don't live with us, but he still has to think about. - My daughter does seek me out more than she seeks out him. It's a mommy/daughter thing, I think. We both work full time, but he works more late nights, more weekends than I. I'm home cooking dinner and taking care of the kiddo.
I don't usually resent it. I go on work trips or even a weekend away and they survive. But when I'm home; I'm on.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 29, 2014 16:15:09 GMT -5
*flame suit on* I would dare say that 90% of couples with kids have a default parent. Hate it or love it, that is the way it is. And if she is a stay at home spouse, I would think her husband is doing a major thing: supporting the household. Archie made a good point: most of those things that kids are involved in are important to their mothers, so no surprise they are left to do the chaperoning/driving. I doubt the husband is useless, being the only breadwinner is no easy feast, all the pressure of bringing in an income is on him with no backups. He has a job, and her job is to manage the house which she does. Flame on Yes, there are default parents, if I don't schedule things, they don't get done. I don't complain that I have to do everything though. I don't always like being the only one who handles that crap but I deal. I also didn't schedule my kids to death because I know my limits, I am NOT running them all over the countryside all week long. Not if you want me sane.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 29, 2014 16:15:18 GMT -5
Show: Tell: Uh huh. For the record, I don't think the husband is totally to blame in this case. Like NomoreDramaQ1015 said, why would he want to help if she was constantly shoving him away and minimizing his role in the kids' life? That would put anyone off. But yeah, I don't think you could call him a "helpful and awesome" parent unless you define those terms a lot differently than I do. She's an idiot.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 16:17:35 GMT -5
Link to the author's Web site: www.mblazoned.com/Skimmed a few of her blog entries. She's mildly funny.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 29, 2014 16:18:04 GMT -5
Shortly after we potty trained Gwen she would follow me into the bathroom to "make sure mommy go" and when I did she'd clap her hands and say "yay mommy go pee in the potty".
Or she'd stand outside the door and ask if you went. It was hysterical when she asked DH if he had poopied in the potty yet and she told him to make sure he wiped his butt.
Took us awhile to explain she has many many years to go before she needs to check on us in the bathroom.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 29, 2014 16:18:59 GMT -5
The other thing is I'm type A, he's type B.
If he were the default parent, he'd drive me insane.
Maybe that's being a martyr but I don't think it is.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 29, 2014 16:19:09 GMT -5
Even though my DH is the default parent in terms of taking care of physical needs, if I'm home the kids gravitate towards me. On Monday, I had three kids shouting "Mom" at the same time. DH was there, and free. I thought that was kind of amusing. I can't use the bathroom without the littlest one wanting to be in with me, or worse, even helping me.
The kids definitely respond to DH and I differently. Not because of how much time we spend with the kids, but because of how we each interact with the kids.
For most everything, though, we are partners.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 16:19:15 GMT -5
Neither one of us knew our kids shoe sizes when we were out shopping 6 months ago. Honest to god.
How could you? It seems to change daily. Plus the shoe manufacturers like to play this funny joke where a size 3 shoe in one style is a size 6 shoe in another style. So you never REALLY know the right size. Same goes for kid clothes. Half of Babybird's clothes are 3T yet she still fits into several of her 6-9 month onesies. Go figure.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 29, 2014 16:21:39 GMT -5
I'm the default parent. My spouse is of course 100% willing to do anything I tell him. But it's just that. I have to tell him. I'm the organizer. I'm the multi-tasker. I'm the one who gets things done. It's just the way it is. - my work is by my kid's daycare. My spouse's work is 20 minutes the other direction from our house. So I do all the pickups and drop offs unless I'm out of town. - My spouse is hard of hearing. I'm the one that always hears the child in the middle of the night whining or crying. I can wake him up and he'll go tend to her, but the damage is already done; my sleep is shit. - I'm the one who schedules the dentist, the doctor, the shots. He just won't think of that stuff. He can hardly handle his own loaded schedule of appointments, etc. - He also has his other two kids who don't live with us, but he still has to think about. - My daughter does seek me out more than she seeks out him. It's a mommy/daughter thing, I think. We both work full time, but he works more late nights, more weekends than I. I'm home cooking dinner and taking care of the kiddo. I don't usually resent it. I go on work trips or even a weekend away and they survive. But when I'm home; I'm on. Thank you I believe in any relationships if you analyze close enough you will realize that there is a default parents. Doesn't mean the other parent is useless, just that one parent is more involved than the other and it is usually because it is important to the default parent. I see same way as handling finances: if it is important to both people they share it, if one person is OCD or controlling about how it should be done, the less controlling person usually backs off and let them handle it. If OCD person were to die, they would handle their finances just fine and live on. Same thing with parenting...you will have a parent that is more hands on vs another. I actually believe it is better this way, if both parents are hands on, always on, baby all the time it becomes suffocating to the child. You need the relax dad or mom that will let you have ice cream for dessert, let you wear the same dirty shirt to school, not freak out if you are eating from the dogs bowl.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 29, 2014 16:22:35 GMT -5
When she cried, he didn't, even for a second, pause what he was doing and consider getting her. Not the big deal she painted it to be. This really made me wonder...how long did she pause. You know you don't have to jump the instant you hear a cry. Maybe he was in the middle of a brush stroke & would have gotten the kid. Maybe she just could have said, "will you go get her?" instead of forever resenting the fact he didn't jump to do so without a prompt. My Ex used to complain I didn't respond fast enough when there were cries. He was right that I wouldn't usually go running. But, I could also tell the difference between an 'I bumped my head' cry and an 'I just cut my finger off' cry. You don't need to leap up & run down the hall, pushing people out of the way if it clearly isn't an emergency type cry. But, that is how he would react & get mad that I didn't do the same. Once he said something like I lacked 'mothering instincts'. Maybe or maybe I'm not an insane over-reactor.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 29, 2014 16:23:10 GMT -5
Shortly after we potty trained Gwen she would follow me into the bathroom to "make sure mommy go" and when I did she'd clap her hands and say "yay mommy go pee in the potty".
Or she'd stand outside the door and ask if you went. It was hysterical when she asked DH if he had poopied in the potty yet and she told him to make sure he wiped his butt.
Took us awhile to explain she has many many years to go before she needs to check on us in the bathroom. At least she's not offering to wipe you. <sigh>
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 29, 2014 16:23:16 GMT -5
*flame suit on* I would dare say that 90% of couples with kids have a default parent. Hate it or love it, that is the way it is. And if she is a stay at home spouse, I would think her husband is doing a major thing: supporting the household. Archie made a good point: most of those things that kids are involved in are important to their mothers, so no surprise they are left to do the chaperoning/driving. I doubt the husband is useless, being the only breadwinner is no easy feast, all the pressure of bringing in an income is on him with no backups. He has a job, and her job is to manage the house which she does. Flame on She's making it harder on herself than it has to be. Like the shower thing. She has put herself in the situation where her family thinks it is ok to interrupt her in the shower. She doesn't trust her DH to do anything. Then she gets aggravated that he doesn't know how or when to help. The main thing I had to explain to my DH was when I come home, let me know what needs to be done. I don't know if the kids have been fed, if they need a bath, who gets a cookie for desert. If the dishes in the sink or dishwasher are clean or dirty. How can I possibly know this stuff when I'm not at home? He finally realized that me asking was not an indictment against him, but just not being there and not knowing what was going on. In 14 years, she obviously never got there and decided just to do things her own way. Now she wants to bitch. WAAAAAA.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 29, 2014 16:24:59 GMT -5
I'm the default parent. My spouse is of course 100% willing to do anything I tell him. But it's just that. I have to tell him. I'm the organizer. I'm the multi-tasker. I'm the one who gets things done. It's just the way it is. - my work is by my kid's daycare. My spouse's work is 20 minutes the other direction from our house. So I do all the pickups and drop offs unless I'm out of town. - My spouse is hard of hearing. I'm the one that always hears the child in the middle of the night whining or crying. I can wake him up and he'll go tend to her, but the damage is already done; my sleep is shit. - I'm the one who schedules the dentist, the doctor, the shots. He just won't think of that stuff. He can hardly handle his own loaded schedule of appointments, etc. - He also has his other two kids who don't live with us, but he still has to think about. - My daughter does seek me out more than she seeks out him. It's a mommy/daughter thing, I think. We both work full time, but he works more late nights, more weekends than I. I'm home cooking dinner and taking care of the kiddo. I don't usually resent it. I go on work trips or even a weekend away and they survive. But when I'm home; I'm on. Thank you I believe in any relationships if you analyze close enough you will realize that there is a default parents. I could be mistaken, but I don't think anyone is saying that there isn't usually a default parent. What we are saying is the way she portrays the default parent is ridiculous. A default parent can still shower uninterrupted. She isn't just a default parent, she is a martyr.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 16:25:08 GMT -5
Maybe that's being a martyr but I don't think it is.
Being "the default parent" doesn't automatically make you a martyr but the article really made it sound like she expected and received NO parenting support from her husband whatsoever. His job was to work, period. Her job was to stress herself into an early grave because she was essentially acting like a single parent to 3 kids.
As I've said, I totally understand having a default parent in most things, but it doesn't always have to be the same person. And just for safety purposes, I want DH to take over some of my duties sometimes so at least he knows what to do if I can't do "my" duties some day (and vice versa).
I'm usually in charge of Babybird's nighttime routine but I ask DH to do it a couple of nights a week (and he obliges). This is partially because I need a break, partially because I firmly and truly believe that nighttime routine is not just "Mommy's job" but something we're both equally responsible for doing, and partially because I want him to know the steps in case I CAN'T do it some night because I'm out or whatever.
This goes for virtually every parenting duty in existence. Yeah, we are the "default" on certain things but I feel very strongly that both of us should be able to take over any of it at a moment's notice.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 29, 2014 16:28:41 GMT -5
Maybe that's being a martyr but I don't think it is.Being "the default parent" doesn't automatically make you a martyr but the article really made it sound like she expected and received NO parenting support from her husband whatsoever. His job was to work, period. Her job was to stress herself into an early grave because she was essentially acting like a single parent to 3 kids. Even being a single parent to 3 kids isn't as hard as she makes it out to be. She is making it harder than necessary because of her choices.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 29, 2014 16:31:25 GMT -5
Shortly after we potty trained Gwen she would follow me into the bathroom to "make sure mommy go" and when I did she'd clap her hands and say "yay mommy go pee in the potty".
Or she'd stand outside the door and ask if you went. It was hysterical when she asked DH if he had poopied in the potty yet and she told him to make sure he wiped his butt.
Took us awhile to explain she has many many years to go before she needs to check on us in the bathroom. At least she's not offering to wipe you. <sigh> BTDT too. Fortunately she only tried that at home.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Oct 29, 2014 16:33:54 GMT -5
::This is partially because I need a break, partially because I firmly and truly believe that nighttime routine is not just "Mommy's job" but something we're both equally responsible for doing, and partially because I want him to know the steps in case I CAN'T do it some night because I'm out or whatever. ::
Nothing wrong with this. I do think in a lot of cases the default parent becomes the martyr because they can't cede control. In your example...it seems often times the DP wants the other person to give a bath (or substitute any task), but expects the other parent to follow their instructions during the task. "Sing this song, then 5 minutes of playing with rubber ducky, then hair washing, then body washing, then rubber ducky again, then out of the tub at the 15 minute mark".
I know some will say "well structure is important"...and I agree. But one person doesn't get to create the entire structure, dictate it to their partner, then get mad when the partner has other ideas. It's not just related to kids, it happens in most aspects of relationships I believe.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 29, 2014 16:39:01 GMT -5
Crap, I'm liking something Hoops said. Quick someone take my temp. The only way DH and I survive is because don't force one way down the other person's throat. Well, there was a stretch where I didn't wipe DS up the same way he was after the meal and DS was getting mad because DH let him do something that I wouldn't. DH said something about it that made me feel stupid and I checked out for a few weeks (it was more than that, but that was the straw that sent me over the edge and made me feel unnecessary in my family). Then I realized I was the one missing out and decided I needed to make myself part of the family.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 29, 2014 16:40:24 GMT -5
I liked this comment on the article
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 29, 2014 16:41:30 GMT -5
I wonder if the default parent is also correlated with breastfeeding.
I know I breastfeed over a year... that's one thing only mama can do. Of course you can give the kid a bottle, but there's supply, demand, having to pump if you don't feed, etc.
It probably stems a lot from that in my case.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 16:46:32 GMT -5
I know some will say "well structure is important"...and I agree. But one person doesn't get to create the entire structure, dictate it to their partner, then get mad when the partner has other ideas. It's not just related to kids, it happens in most aspects of relationships I believe.
I totally agree. If I normally do something but ask DH to do it sometime and he obliges, I get out of his way. It's none of my business how things go at that point.
When I first asked DH to take care of Babybird's nighttime routine, I explained that we usually did stories, then brushed teeth, then potty, then singing/tuck in. After that, I left it up to him.
Again: trust! If you can't trust your partner to handle your kid by themselves, and let them do it their way, why did you even have a kid with that person?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 16:49:14 GMT -5
It probably stems a lot from that in my case.Breastfeeding makes you the automatic DP for awhile, I think. That's just how it goes when a baby really only has a few basic needs and eating is their favorite But like I mentioned earlier, sometimes it doesn't automatically occur to the dad that even though they can't take care of the baby, they can take care of their PARTNER just fine. Sometimes taking care of your breastfeeding spouse is the best thing you can do for the baby. Plus, there are plenty of things they can do to take care of the baby, which increase as the baby grows older. Mommy might have to feed the baby 100% of the time but the partner can sure be the "default" diaper changer when s/he is home. Or the default baby bather, or the default rocker, or whatever.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 16:52:34 GMT -5
I don't think that a lack of initiative automatically makes someone a bad parent, by the way. It seems like a lot of us (myself included) organize things and plan things, then ask our spouses to help with X/Y/Z. As long as the spouse is willing to assist and be an equal partner, I think it's fine if they don't get overly involved in the "what needs to be done" stage. That can be something that you're the "default" on, and they can be the default on actually carrying out the tasks.
Not a perfect analogy, but it's kind of like maintaining your car. You are the "default" person to realize that your car needs a six month servicing appointment, so you take the initiative to make that appointment. You drive the car to the mechanic. Then you let the mechanic take point on the actual task. You don't dictate to them how it should be done, just let them run with it.
You're the "default" person when it comes to organizing the task but the other person is (or can be) the default when it comes to the task itself.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 29, 2014 17:02:13 GMT -5
I don't think that a lack of initiative automatically makes someone a bad parent, by the way.
Someone with too much initiative & wanting to plan too much is often going to set themselves up to be the default parent the way she described.
If you feel it is important that your kid is in 4 different activities & that someone volunteers at the school & and that the kid's birthday involves inviting 50 people to a bbq, then don't be really surprised if you kind of have to be the one to organize & run all that stuff. The other parent may not feel that stuff is as important as you do & while they might be willing to chauffer & help out, don't be upset they didn't memorize the family's schedule of 17 activities each week & start taking the lead on that stuff.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 17:04:29 GMT -5
The other parent may not feel that stuff is as important as you do & while they might be willing to chauffer & help out, don't be upset they didn't memorize the family's schedule of 17 activities each week & start taking the lead on that stuff.
Excellent point. I was talking more about doctor's appointments and daycare logistics, things that need to be dealt with by someone, not optional stuff that could be done or not.
Example: The person who recognizes that the kid's second birthday is coming up and therefore he needs to see a doctor and maybe get a shot or two may not be the same person who ends up taking him to the appointment.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 29, 2014 17:05:48 GMT -5
I wonder if the default parent is also correlated with breastfeeding. I know I breastfeed over a year... that's one thing only mama can do. Of course you can give the kid a bottle, but there's supply, demand, having to pump if you don't feed, etc. It probably stems a lot from that in my case. We formula fed all three of my kids. My littlest went through a time where she would purposefully keep herself awake until I got home from work. I'd walk in the door, and have to read to her and put her down. There were times where I was the only one that could settle her down. She's never done that with my H.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 29, 2014 17:12:21 GMT -5
My littlest went through a time where she would purposefully keep herself awake until I got home from work. I'd walk in the door, and have to read to her and put her down. There were times where I was the only one that could settle her down.
Ugh, now I'm flashing back to the first five or six months after I returned from maternity leave. Babybird was still breastfeeding and she was totally burned out by about 5pm, which is when DH got home. I didn't get home until 7 so he got to deal with a screaming, very upset baby and he could NOT calm her down no matter what he did. She just cried and cried for pretty much two straight hours until I got home. All she wanted was to nurse. I felt so bad for DH during those months
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