Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Oct 29, 2014 17:28:04 GMT -5
I'm the default parent. DH has an odd schedule and a 2 hour (total time) commute to work. I schedule & go the appointments, I make sure the homework is done, I grocery shop, make dinner, deal with emotions and all the other crap. DH has never been to DS's new school and met the teachers. Oh- and I work full time.
For the most part- it's fine. I can juggle 37 balls at once. But every now and then someone throws one more to me and I flip out.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 29, 2014 17:47:09 GMT -5
In addition to having default roles in our relationship to each other, default roles in relationship to each kid, and general default roles in our families, C and I both sometimes "like" to play the martyr. It will be a mind set one of us gets into. And honestly, when I am in "martyr mode", I am ridiculously productive. "I'm the only one who can put away laundry" - this is BS, but it gets the laundry put away. "People would just be in my way and slow the process down if I asked for help getting dinner on the table" - NOT true, in fact, we eat later on nights when I just "have" to do everything (but luckily, I am only responsible for dinner maybe one night every two weeks, on a weekend, because C is the actual default cook), but everything still gets on the table, and my need to be a martyr is satisfied.
It's something we joke about and try to recognize in ourselves and each other. Because the truth is, if I'm in martyr mode, I don't actually want help. I won't be able to accept it gracefully, and we'll all just end up crabby in the end. The same goes for C. Being able to recognize "martyr mode" in ourselves and each other is an important skill in our house.
That said, if either of us felt we had to be in "martyr mode" all the time, we wouldn't still be married.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 29, 2014 18:08:37 GMT -5
I'm the default parent. When B was younger and I was breast feeding it made me really angry and frustrated, because I was always the one gettin up with her. But mostly that was sleep deprivation, and once we passed that stage most of the resentment passed. Now I'm the default parent mostly by choices we've made - he has a longer commute, she goes to daycare at my work, etc. We made those choices as a family, so right now a lot of things are on me but a shorter commute was important to me, so this is the trade off. The last several weeks I've been really sick - and so DH has been the default parent. It was fine, and everyone managed. At this point he can parent her as well as I can and I'm happy to let him. does he know her pediatrician'a number? No but he knows his name and google works just fine for everyone.
I think this woman has a valid point about being the default parent, and how it can be frustrating and exhausting sometimes. But she's definitely put herself in that role and nothing is going to change unless she makes it change.
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damnotagain
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Post by damnotagain on Oct 29, 2014 18:14:22 GMT -5
Sounds like Parental Alienation to me!
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Oct 29, 2014 18:25:30 GMT -5
When there were babies in the house, and I was the SAHM and breastfeeding, I was the default parent. DH couldn't participate in the breastfeeding, but he could and did change diapers, give baths, play on the floor, put older ones to bed. He's not big on cooking dinner, but he'd do what he could to free me up so I could do it. Once the kids are beyond the baby stage, we are not just divided into parents (who do stuff), and children (have stuff done for them). We are a family, and we all do things for the group as a whole, depending on ability. The kids take care of the recycling and the garbage, they have a standing job to set the table and make salad and koolaid, fetch other drinks, etc. I do the majority of the laundry, but they often get dispatched to hang out wet laundry or take down dry clothes and fold them. The older ones watched the younger ones. We (DH and I) do a quick "morning report" before anyone heads out - who has sports/clubs/music lessons/etc that day and needs to be picked up where/when and who can do it, which of us has an evening commitment, what to do with DS5 if neither of us is home. We've been playing divide and conquer for so long it's second nature now. There are certain jobs that rarely get shared, however. It's not worth it to get DH to do the dishes for me - he whines about how his back hurts when doing it, things don't quite get clean, something ends up broken (not something I wish would break, mind you), and he misinterprets my experienced advice as micromanaging. Or he delegates the job to one of the kids.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 30, 2014 9:59:34 GMT -5
When she cried, he didn't, even for a second, pause what he was doing and consider getting her. Not the big deal she painted it to be. This really made me wonder...how long did she pause. You know you don't have to jump the instant you hear a cry. Maybe he was in the middle of a brush stroke & would have gotten the kid. Maybe she just could have said, "will you go get her?" instead of forever resenting the fact he didn't jump to do so without a prompt. My Ex used to complain I didn't respond fast enough when there were cries. He was right that I wouldn't usually go running. But, I could also tell the difference between an 'I bumped my head' cry and an 'I just cut my finger off' cry. You don't need to leap up & run down the hall, pushing people out of the way if it clearly isn't an emergency type cry. But, that is how he would react & get mad that I didn't do the same. Once he said something like I lacked 'mothering instincts'. Maybe or maybe I'm not an insane over-reactor. I had to train myself not to jump up at DD's every cry in the middle of the night. I started with 2 minutes, if she was still crying after 2 minutes, I'd go to her. But then again, I woke DH up so that I'd have moral support in feeling like the world's worst parent for letting my kid cry in the night. I tend to shower before the kids get up. And I damn well lock the door if I want alone time. We're currently working on Privacy in bedrooms and the bathroom (although the conversations between DS and DD when he's in the tub and she's on the toilet are just hysterical.) I'm the point person for scheduling what we call "kid crap" I let DH know about everything and some times he can make kid crap, sometimes he can't. And sometimes I demand he go and we figure out what time is good for both of us (DS's speech evaluation results meeting needs both of us there, in our opinion.) K4 soccer, DH got a pass from me until DS asked if he was going to come. Then yeah, you need to show up for whatever you can. In this case, it meant DH got to see about 20 minutes of soccer. But K4 soccer is really, really boring in that they're doing drills to learn the basics. But the scrimmage they had last Monday was absolutely hysterical and I'm so glad DH got to see it. As for shoe sizes, hell, I don't even try to keep up with it. I'm pretty sure DS is growing out of his shoes every few months. We get them measured every time we go for shoes.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 30, 2014 10:16:55 GMT -5
I'm the default parenting in that I do all the scheduling, shopping etc. Even last night my DH's phone died/broke and he asked me if I could go on the Verizon website and order him a new one because he had no idea what are logins are for anything. However, a funny thing happened when my DS was about 3. If he had a Dr. appt he requested Dad bring him, going to soccer ... wants Dad to go ( I was actually told no Moms allowed - GREAT!), would like to go out to breakfast on the weekend as a treat .. just him and Dad. Somehow in there it still came across that he had two parents and guess what, he doesn't even like me best .
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 30, 2014 10:19:05 GMT -5
I don't know the pediatrician's number off the top of my head. It's programmed into my phone. I won't get on DH's case for not knowing it, he can always google it or call me.
Neither one of us can pronounce her name right to save our soul. The receptionist told me don't worry about everyone calls her Dr. V.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 30, 2014 10:26:53 GMT -5
I don't know the pediatrician's number off the top of my head. It's programmed into my phone. I won't get on DH's case for not knowing it, he can always google it or call me.
Neither one of us can pronounce her name right to save our soul. The receptionist told me don't worry about everyone calls her Dr. V.
We have a family physician and she sees all 4 of us. I can confidently state that DH knows how to get hold of her. But the doctor's and the school all assume Mom is point of first contact. Which I'm sure is driving some of this, in my house. I'm also physically closer to the kids' daytime locations than DH is. And I have more vacation time available and it's easier for me to flex time during any given week. So logistically it also makes more sense to have me as first point of contact. Dh does the morning dropoff since that's logistically on his way to work. Plus it's his Mom who's doing our before school care again. If we've got a sick kid, we figure out who's schedule is lighter that day. Or who's on deadline that day. And we go from there.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 30, 2014 10:47:21 GMT -5
Shortly after we brought our first baby home, DH and I got into a (rare for us) fight. It was about helping with the baby and probably crazy hormones. Anyway, I finally explained to him that I didn't know what the hell I was doing either. I had maybe changed 2 diapers in my life prior to that, and that was over 15 years ago. DH has been awesome ever since, and in fact does more than 50% ever since my dad died and I started helping my mom. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, it was hard dealing with not being the one to take care of DS all the time, since I wasn't allowed to pick him up. That led to DH becoming the default and me feeling rejected and feeling useless. It's taken quite a while to get back to normal with DS1. Now I've become the go to for DS2 because I let him get away with more. *sigh* We are nipping that one in the bud. (Hopefully)
My point in this is that, if you want your partner to contribute more, then you've got to speak up and take a step back. The kids will need some time to adjust to the new dynamic, (I.e., not automatically run to you all of the time.)
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 30, 2014 10:52:12 GMT -5
So, I ended up getting into somewhat of a big fight - well as big as it comes on my facebook group about this article. She thought it was a perfect fit and you all know how I felt. Some of my friend's comments: Talking about the crying baby. This one just sort of shocked me. Like beat your husband over the head if he can't hear your kids. Basically what they decided was that the "default" parent, meant the logistics of parenting. In fact they said this about me and my DH: So, I guess the read it completely different from me. Because yeah I handle the scheduling at my house, but it is a strength of mine. Not DH. I don't think that alone makes me the default. Certainly the kids don't have a preference (usually whichever parent is giving the other kid attention). Anyway, must work so I can go to DS's Halloween party preschool.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 30, 2014 10:54:36 GMT -5
DH and I have switched from equal co-parenting to him being (mostly) the default parent. My daily commute is between 3.5-4 hours each day and I work a fair amount of weekends now as well.
He takes care of helping with school work, dr's appts, and (because I leave the house before anyone else is up a lot of the time) most of the sick days. However there have been a few times when DD was sick and I've grabbed a limo home so he can get into work for most of the day. Lucky for us she's a pretty healthy kid.
The school and Dr.'s office know Dad is the point of first contact.
OTOH I take care of all the clothes shopping, sewing/repair, hair appointments, etc. I also schedule the family eye exams and he takes care of the family dentist appts.
I also take care of all the bills/finances, grocery shopping and meal planning. DH cooks 3-4 nights a week, I cook 1-2 nights a week, and the other nights are either leftovers or eating out (we eat out maybe 4-5 times a month).
I thinks it's much easier with one child, and neither of us have felt like they have an unfair amount of the work in that area.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 30, 2014 11:01:22 GMT -5
My daily commute is between 3.5-4 hours each way and I work a fair amount of weekends now as well.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 30, 2014 11:05:05 GMT -5
muttleynfelix - I also had two FB friends who thought the article was spot on. Whatever works for them? I just hate the societal implications of the idea that mommies have to do it all because daddies are lazy slackers who would NEVER EVER think of these details on their own. Sure. If I need DH to be somewhere or do something with/for the boys, it happens. But does he remember that it's Wednesday so E needs his library books (wherever they are) and tennis shoes for PE, and he also needs his lunch packed because he's going to daycare, and dont forget to put the permission slip in his backpack, and oh yeah, empty his folder from Monday. Text tomorrow's sitter about gymnastics class for E, make sure clothes are laid out for both boys and send an extra set of cloths for A because he might puke. Also, don't forget Eric's p/t conference today but make sure the sitter knows I'll be late getting home.
Here's my thing with this. THERE ARE SINGLE DADS IN THE WORLD TOO. And they seem to manage just fine. Seriously, if Mom isn't in the picture it doesn't mean the entire universe falls apart. Dads can probably handle most or all of this stuff - just because their wives take the reins (forcibly, from the sound of it) doesn't mean they ARE NOT CAPABLE. It just pisses me off that we've all internalized this idea that if your partner does something, it must be because you're not capable. DH is the cook in our house 95% of the time. Can I cook? Sure, I can throw a meal together. But DH is better at it and enjoys it more, so he does it. If he were to get hit by a truck tomorrow, I can assure you that Babybird would still get regular meals. Exact same thing with the logistical scheduling. If I got hit by a truck tomorrow, I have 100% confidence that he would take her to the doctor when she was sick, or needed a checkup. I am positive that he would meet with her teachers and get the notes and put reminders into his own phone about when she had gymnastics class and when daycare wanted to do a Halloween party so he needed to pack her costume and so on and so forth. I think this really is the heart of it for me. We assume inadequacy where there is none. We assume that dads simply can't do as good a job as moms would do, and that's why moms take care of the little things.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 30, 2014 11:05:50 GMT -5
The comment about dance and tennis and the Dad asking the times... WTH?
I know if I'm handling all the scheduling my DH has no idea what time anything is at unless I tell him and ask him to pick up/drop off, whatever. We only have so much room in our brains, I remember X stuff and DH remembers other Y stuff that he is "in charge" of. If we need help from the other we ask, it isn't that hard.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 30, 2014 11:16:55 GMT -5
I know if I'm handling all the scheduling my DH has no idea what time anything is at unless I tell him and ask him to pick up/drop off, whatever.
Exactly, why would you just magically know (or force yourself to remember) when kids activities end if you're not the one picking them up? It doesn't make any sense! Who remembers details that don't make any difference to them? I don't know exactly when DH takes his lunch break either.
If you're breaking your routine and picking up a kid you don't normally pick up, then "what time does X activity end?" is a totally reasonable question.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 30, 2014 11:17:56 GMT -5
These calls typically start out with, "What time does Lily get out of jazz?" I already want to punch him in the face. It's the same time EVERY week!
The correct answer is "She gets out at 4 pm. I usually park at X location so that's where you'll find her"
Or you can shoot your husband down so you can keep being a whiny bitch.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 30, 2014 11:18:02 GMT -5
That is just it, there are things in our lives that I don't ever think about - changing air filters, changing oil, other stuff around the house. DH is by far the default maintenance person. Why can't he get credit for that? Why are we just looking at a small portion of chores/life as a whole and say he's not capable? Why is it not just considered part of the division of labor? That is what I was not getting. I believe in playing to our strengths which is why I pay the bills and handle logistics. I like to think we wouldn't go anywhere or do anything if it weren't for me, but really DH had a life before I came along. He traveled, he fixed up houses. He would eventually get bored sitting at home and do something. It is just a matter of I'm more likely to take charge and want to do something. So I take charge and makes sure it happens.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 30, 2014 11:19:01 GMT -5
My daily commute is between 3.5-4 hours each way and I work a fair amount of weekends now as well. CRAP! Stupid fast fingers. I've fixed it. It's 3.5-4 hours each day...
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 30, 2014 11:19:52 GMT -5
*flame suit on* I would dare say that 90% of couples with kids have a default parent. Hate it or love it, that is the way it is. And if she is a stay at home spouse, I would think her husband is doing a major thing: supporting the household. Archie made a good point: most of those things that kids are involved in are important to their mothers, so no surprise they are left to do the chaperoning/driving. I doubt the husband is useless, being the only breadwinner is no easy feast, all the pressure of bringing in an income is on him with no backups. He has a job, and her job is to manage the house which she does. Flame on I agree. Most families DO have a default parent. The issue here is the attitude of the writer / blogger, which personally I can't stand. And, generally in this arrangement the other parent is aware and fully capable of taking over responsibilities of the children and household if need be. In this slanted story, she's projecting that she and ONLY she can do it all and her husband is a useless oaf. Take your situation, for example. Perhaps your wife would become the default parent, but you would certainly know how to care for your child, spend time with them, take them places, etc. IMHO it's much more the tone of the article than it is the actual arrangement. But, I'm also a page or 2 behind on this thread, so I'm sure this has already been addressed.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 30, 2014 11:21:44 GMT -5
Link to the author's Web site: www.mblazoned.com/Skimmed a few of her blog entries. She's mildly funny. I think she's trying too hard to be funny.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 30, 2014 11:23:45 GMT -5
CRAP! Stupid fast fingers. I've fixed it. It's 3.5-4 hours each day...
Still a lot, but I was about to ask why you didn't have a pied a terre near your work. Holy cow.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 30, 2014 11:24:58 GMT -5
I think she's trying too hard to be funny.
Agreed. I definitely didn't bust a gut at any point. She's no Sopha King Tyred
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Oct 30, 2014 11:45:37 GMT -5
I guess I don't think there is anything wrong with having a default parent. I do it because it's what has to be done. It doesn't mean that he can't or won't do it, it's just what works in our family because of our schedules.
But maybe the difference it that I'm not bitter about it.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 30, 2014 11:50:05 GMT -5
I guess I don't think there is anything wrong with having a default parent. I do it because it's what has to be done. It doesn't mean that he can't or won't do it, it's just what works in our family because of our schedules. But maybe the difference it that I'm not bitter about it. Yes, that's the difference. Saying he isn't capable and essentially making it so he doesn't want to be capable are the problem.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 30, 2014 11:51:05 GMT -5
My DH is going to be fixing up the deck this weekend. I'm not buying the lumber, or cutting it or whatever else he needs to do to plan and prep for this. I will however be babysitting our children
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 30, 2014 11:56:27 GMT -5
I know if I'm handling all the scheduling my DH has no idea what time anything is at unless I tell him and ask him to pick up/drop off, whatever.
Exactly, why would you just magically know (or force yourself to remember) when kids activities end if you're not the one picking them up? It doesn't make any sense! Who remembers details that don't make any difference to them? I don't know exactly when DH takes his lunch break either. If you're breaking your routine and picking up a kid you don't normally pick up, then "what time does X activity end?" is a totally reasonable question. I was in Girl Scouts from 2nd grade to 8th at my school. We ALWAYS met on Thursdays after school until 430pm. And yet once a year my Mom would schedule some appt. for Dad on Thursday at 430pm. We were a single car family. I know I went to the rectory (private school) to call home at least twice. I know I walked home some times. And Mom was usually the one to come and pick me up the rest of teh year. Even the schedulers drop a ball or two.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 30, 2014 12:02:59 GMT -5
I haven't read everything but I get it. Dh and I's relationship really imploded after having kids. Some of that is kids and some of that was life stuff that just happened to coincide. Dh can and does take care of the kids and he is a wonderful dad. It wasn't until after kids came into the picture that I needed him to start taking on normal household/life tasks in addition to being a parent and it was really, really ugly at times. I often felt like he was basically a live in babysitter. Great with the kids when I was at work, but checked out if I was in anyway even remotely available. Not to mention when he was too sick to take care of the kids so then I was taking time off work, and expecting me to still do 95% of everything that keeps a house running, him finishing his 2nd college degree but continuing to work part time.
Reading some of your friends facebook responses I definitely can't put dh in that category. He is very much involved with the kids and their activities. House stuff is better too, but there is no initiative. I have to plan and prep and talk ad nauseum about what needs to be done and he responds and we "plan together" but then follow through fails. He wants to take over after I've started something which could be me being a martyr, or it could be him procrastinating to the point of no return.
Things are better right now. Really they are quite a bit better. Unfortunately I am always holding my breath for us to fall back into old habits, because to date we always have.
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 30, 2014 12:20:07 GMT -5
There is if you are willing to let go of some of the control and expectations. Last year when I went on my girl's weekend DH reported that he got to sleep in until 9 am. Because he left a plate of cookies for DS to eat for breakfast and DS, knowing they are not an appropriate breakfast food, didn't wake DH up until he was done eating. Now that is some genius parenting!!! Love it. Yeah, you wouldn't want to do that every day, but once in a while in order to get some sleep - awesome.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 30, 2014 12:44:41 GMT -5
CRAP! Stupid fast fingers. I've fixed it. It's 3.5-4 hours each day...
Still a lot, but I was about to ask why you didn't have a pied a terre near your work. Holy cow. I had to look that one up . Right now I prefer to see my family each night. I'm on a train at 6am, at my desk by 7:45. When not working OT I leave at 4:30 and if the commuting gods are smiling on me home by 6:15 (all dependent on how the busses are running). That's one of the reasons why grocery shopping and meal planning are so important to us, DH needs a plan to get dinner together by himself most weeknights. My schedule is not all that unusual in this area. There are people on my train line who commute even further out (each day) and have a ride of 1 hour 40 minutes each way just on the train alone. Plus - the rental rates near my office are nuts. An interior studio with no windows is $1K a month. For now I can handle the commute and prefer to put that toward DD's college fund/savings.
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