whoami
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Post by whoami on Oct 26, 2014 15:29:59 GMT -5
Now that my kiddo is 20 and is self sufficient (although still living in my basement while going to school & working) you should see the heads explode when I say I went from being a stay at home mom to a stay at home wife. It just boggles the mind that I don't work outside the home, I don't have a small child, and my hubby is very happy that I'm home. Hubby & I were talking & joking around this weekend while celebrating our 21st anniversary, that it's been 20 years since it was about "us". Now we can pick up and do whatever we want whenever we want. We spent part of the weekend locked up in a cabin in the woods...wink wink nudge nudge. he was on vacation & we just kinda went "why the hell not? let's go!". Left kiddo a note & took off. I quit my part time job when my last kid graduated high school. I am rarely home, spending lots of time traveling all over the country. I guess I could call myself retired if someone wants to label as something, but I dont think of myself as old enough to be retired....not sure why that is more palatable to some than a SAHM or SAHW. I want to do my running around when Im still youngish...I dont see myself doing this when I get older.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 16:01:44 GMT -5
Now that my kiddo is 20 and is self sufficient (although still living in my basement while going to school & working) you should see the heads explode when I say I went from being a stay at home mom to a stay at home wife. It just boggles the mind that I don't work outside the home, I don't have a small child, and my hubby is very happy that I'm home. Hubby & I were talking & joking around this weekend while celebrating our 21st anniversary, that it's been 20 years since it was about "us". Now we can pick up and do whatever we want whenever we want. We spent part of the weekend locked up in a cabin in the woods...wink wink nudge nudge. he was on vacation & we just kinda went "why the hell not? let's go!". Left kiddo a note & took off. I quit my part time job when my last kid graduated high school. I am rarely home, spending lots of time traveling all over the country. I guess I could call myself retired if someone wants to label as something, but I dont think of myself as old enough to be retired....not sure why that is more palatable to some than a SAHM or SAHW. I want to do my running around when Im still youngish...I dont see myself doing this when I get older. I'm sure lots of us would like to do that but not everyone can save enough money by age 50 to pay all their bills plus have money for travel....and some of us believe we should also help our kids with college. I don't know that retired is more palatable. if someone told me they were retired in their 40s and 50s I would think there was something wrong that they couldn't work a regular job. as far as the OP, since none of us were there, only the OP would know if she was joking around and it sounds like she wasn't.
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drivingaround
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Post by drivingaround on Oct 26, 2014 16:06:11 GMT -5
I also wonder if she was just joking around. I wouldn't have thought anything deeper on the comment, unless body language conveyed differently. My BIL calls himself a professional student since he's 50 and never had a full-time job, he just keeps accumulating degrees. He's mainly making fun of himself and not students or FTE. In general I see women as way too sensitive and looking for some insult that isn't there. Us men, we just nod and ask if you want another beer! Not everything is said to make a dig at the other person.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 26, 2014 16:36:24 GMT -5
I have a strong tendency toward self-depreciation. I have probably said the same thing. It was not meant as a judgement of someone else, but more an attempt (good/bad/indifferent) at some self-depreciating humor. Don't get me wrong, I love that I stayed home with the kids. But, I am also somewhat sad that I couldn't continue on in my chosen field and that all of that education is now wasted. Sometimes there is no simple path and you have to make a choice and just go down one even if it isn't ideal. I could see how a woman would make such a remark if she had the same mixed feelings about her choice that I had. I would never let my kids see/know that I missed the professional world, but I would lying if I didn't admit to those feelings on an anonymous message board. Sometimes you just can't have it all...at the same time.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 26, 2014 16:52:31 GMT -5
I also wonder if she was just joking around. I wouldn't have thought anything deeper on the comment, unless body language conveyed differently. My BIL calls himself a professional student since he's 50 and never had a full-time job, he just keeps accumulating degrees. He's mainly making fun of himself and not students or FTE. In general I see women as way too sensitive and looking for some insult that isn't there. Us men, we just nod and ask if you want another beer! Not everything is said to make a dig at the other person.
Gee, and comments like this are super helpful in building confidence...
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 26, 2014 17:03:04 GMT -5
I also wonder if she was just joking around. I wouldn't have thought anything deeper on the comment, unless body language conveyed differently. My BIL calls himself a professional student since he's 50 and never had a full-time job, he just keeps accumulating degrees. He's mainly making fun of himself and not students or FTE. In general I see women as way too sensitive and looking for some insult that isn't there. Us men, we just nod and ask if you want another beer! Not everything is said to make a dig at the other person.
And that's why we outlive you and get to spend all your hard earned money
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 26, 2014 18:56:23 GMT -5
During a conversation with a SAHM, she mentioned "now that I've quit my job to become a professional mom."
I'm not sure why that just didn't set right with me. I don't give a crap who stays home, who works, or whatever family arrangement anyone has. As long as it works for them, good for them.
Is it an inference that those of us who work are amateur moms? I certainly feel like one.
Maybe it's just a weird phrase. I dunno, it's just one of those niggling things. Lol! She was either trying to be funny or she can't quite accept that she is no longer a professional.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Oct 26, 2014 18:56:23 GMT -5
" I don't know that retired is more palatable. if someone told me they were retired in their 40s and 50s I would think there was something wrong that they couldn't work a regular job."
Hell, no, not how I see it at all! If I hear of someone being retired in their 40s/50s, I think "lucky bastard". I'm trying to set myself up so that if early retirement is offered, I'll be able to take it. I reach the years of service requirement when I am 46, and you can bet I'd love to retire at that age. I've worked since I was a kid and am so ready to be done!
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drivingaround
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Post by drivingaround on Oct 26, 2014 18:56:26 GMT -5
I also wonder if she was just joking around. I wouldn't have thought anything deeper on the comment, unless body language conveyed differently. My BIL calls himself a professional student since he's 50 and never had a full-time job, he just keeps accumulating degrees. He's mainly making fun of himself and not students or FTE. In general I see women as way too sensitive and looking for some insult that isn't there. Us men, we just nod and ask if you want another beer! Not everything is said to make a dig at the other person.
Gee, and comments like this are super helpful in building confidence... Well it isn't a friend's responsibility to build yours or anyone else's confidence. A person says they're a professional mom and somehow there's a backhanded insult in that? No different than a SAHP or SAHS saying they're the CEO of the Smith family. Should CEO's of actual corporations start looking for inference that somehow those "family CEO's" are implying they hold a more vital job than running a corporation? Why waste the emotional energy to take something in that is so meaningless to your life (your being the general population, not you specifically)? I'm assuming this friend didn't call Swamp unprofessional or dig at her being a lawyer. Like Goldengirl relayed it probably was some self-deprecating humor. Most people do it to some regard in areas of their life they lack confidence in or are uncomfortable with.
Here's an example where I say I see women as being too sensitive and I don't know, maybe just so biologically different than men. A friend buried their 14 month old daughter about 6 months ago. They now have a 2 month old daughter. A store clerk asked if the two month old is their first. Wife says no, we have a daughter in heaven. The clerk replies "I'm sorry, that must be hard for you." The wife chooses to be insulted that this clerk, who they knew all of fifteen seconds, was implying that the wife must be struggling and unable to deal with burying a child. The husband took the comment in as nothing more than the clerk acknowledging that the wife said they buried a child. No insult, no inference, no nothing else. The wife was worked up for days over it and why, what did that do for her?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 26, 2014 19:00:36 GMT -5
Gee, and comments like this are super helpful in building confidence... Well it isn't a friend's responsibility to build yours or anyone else's confidence. A person says they're a professional mom and somehow there's a backhanded insult in that? No different than a SAHP or SAHS saying they're the CEO of the Smith family. Should CEO's of actual corporations start looking for inference that somehow those "family CEO's" are implying they hold a more vital job than running a corporation? Why waste the emotional energy to take something in that is so meaningless to your life (your being the general population, not you specifically)? I'm assuming this friend didn't call Swamp unprofessional or dig at her being a lawyer. Like Goldengirl relayed it probably was some self-deprecating humor. Most people do it to some regard in areas of their life they lack confidence in or are uncomfortable with.
Here's an example where I say I see women as being too sensitive and I don't know, maybe just so biologically different than men. A friend buried their 14 month old daughter about 6 months ago. They now have a 2 month old daughter. A store clerk asked if the two month old is their first. Wife says no, we have a daughter in heaven. The clerk replies "I'm sorry, that must be hard for you." The wife chooses to be insulted that this clerk, who they knew all of fifteen seconds, was implying that the wife must be struggling and unable to deal with burying a child. The husband took the comment in as nothing more than the clerk acknowledging that the wife said they buried a child. No insult, no inference, no nothing else. The wife was worked up for days over it and why, what did that do for her?
I can't imagine how much losing a child would fuck with a moms thinking. My next door neighbors 3 year old is dying from neurblastoma and I can't imagine what they are going through or what they will once she dies. While I think the wife in your post was a little insane, she gets a pass from me because no mother should ever have to bury her baby.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 19:21:38 GMT -5
Well, I frequently say I'm the 'Superintendant' of the kids education. I don't confuse my role with that of an actual district superintendant. It's just a better analogy.
I don't think that's exactly the position in the OP though...
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 26, 2014 19:34:36 GMT -5
#yeahthat
For the mom's own peace of mind and mental health, she may want to find more constructive ways to handle comments about her child's death (it can't be good to be so upset over something fairly innocuous), but there is no way in hell I would ever call someone "too sensitive" for being upset over a comment made after s/he lost a child less than a year ago. Especially when so many people say really IMO dumb things in those situations, like "God needed another angel."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 20:11:45 GMT -5
#yeahthat For the mom's own peace of mind and mental health, she may want to find more constructive ways to handle comments about her child's death (it can't be good to be so upset over something fairly innocuous), but there is no way in hell I would ever call someone "too sensitive" for being upset over a comment made after s/he lost a child less than a year ago. Especially when so many people say really IMO dumb things in those situations, like "God needed another angel." I never know what to say to people that bring up their child's death. I want to acknowledge what they just said, but I don't want to say anything that might upset them. I was in a room with a group of coworkers, we were doing something for our employer. The lady that was explaining what needed to be done mentioned that her son had recently died. She got visibly upset when she mentioned it, nobody said anything and she kept talking. I don't know her well, but every time I've talked to her, she's always come across as a very pleasant, genuinely nice person. I felt awful, like one of us should have said something when we got a glimpse of her pain. But what? I went to her after the meeting and told her I hadn't heard about her son and I was very sorry. She got teary eyed again and hugged me and whispered thank you. Then I felt horrible all over again for making her cry. I just didn't want it to seem like nobody heard her or nobody cared. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but she hugged me so tight, I think it meant something to her.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 26, 2014 20:27:57 GMT -5
#yeahthat For the mom's own peace of mind and mental health, she may want to find more constructive ways to handle comments about her child's death (it can't be good to be so upset over something fairly innocuous), but there is no way in hell I would ever call someone "too sensitive" for being upset over a comment made after s/he lost a child less than a year ago. Especially when so many people say really IMO dumb things in those situations, like "God needed another angel." I never know what to say to people that bring up their child's death. I want to acknowledge what they just said, but I don't want to say anything that might upset them. I was in a room with a group of coworkers, we were doing something for our employer. The lady that was explaining what needed to be done mentioned that her son had recently died. She got visibly upset when she mentioned it, nobody said anything and she kept talking. I don't know her well, but every time I've talked to her, she's always come across as a very pleasant, genuinely nice person. I felt awful, like one of us should have said something when we got a glimpse of her pain. But what? I went to her after the meeting and told her I hadn't heard about her son and I was very sorry. She got teary eyed again and hugged me and whispered thank you. Then I felt horrible all over again for making her cry. I just didn't want it to seem like nobody heard her or nobody cared. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but she hugged me so tight, I think it meant something to her. I've never been through that experience, and I always struggle with the right thing to say, too (in pretty much any bad situation). But what I've heard is that a simple "I'm sorry" or "Tell me about [your child]" is the best thing to say. It's not like anyone forgets that their child died, so acknowledging it (without saying anything too trite) makes them feel like their child's life mattered. In your situation it sounds like you said exactly what your coworker needed to hear.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 26, 2014 20:40:00 GMT -5
You seem like you do care despite you saying you don't care. Maybe you are jealous of her. I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay home with 4 kids. Back in the late 50s and early 60s, my mom could not wait to get out of the house and back to work again. We did not need her income. She just wanted to interact with adults again and not just 4 kids 24/7.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 26, 2014 20:50:35 GMT -5
I never had kids but told people if I did I would want them professionally raised. Daycare, nannies, who ever I could pay to raise them so it was done right.
I consider one niece a professional mother she raises kids for money. She had two adopted 3 and has two foster babies so now 5 she is being paid to raise since I am sure she gets something for adopting the older foster kids. Raising kids when her husband doesn't make much has to pay pretty well. Her birth children are 18 and 15 now so it is only the adopted and fosters as little kids. One foster just turned one and the other seems the same size so it is full time job even without the first two. To me professional means getting paid to do something even if it is a profession like lawyer with degrees.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 26, 2014 20:58:55 GMT -5
Gee, and comments like this are super helpful in building confidence... Well it isn't a friend's responsibility to build yours or anyone else's confidence. A person says they're a professional mom and somehow there's a backhanded insult in that? No different than a SAHP or SAHS saying they're the CEO of the Smith family. Should CEO's of actual corporations start looking for inference that somehow those "family CEO's" are implying they hold a more vital job than running a corporation? Why waste the emotional energy to take something in that is so meaningless to your life (your being the general population, not you specifically)? I'm assuming this friend didn't call Swamp unprofessional or dig at her being a lawyer. Like Goldengirl relayed it probably was some self-deprecating humor. Most people do it to some regard in areas of their life they lack confidence in or are uncomfortable with.
Here's an example where I say I see women as being too sensitive and I don't know, maybe just so biologically different than men. A friend buried their 14 month old daughter about 6 months ago. They now have a 2 month old daughter. A store clerk asked if the two month old is their first. Wife says no, we have a daughter in heaven. The clerk replies "I'm sorry, that must be hard for you." The wife chooses to be insulted that this clerk, who they knew all of fifteen seconds, was implying that the wife must be struggling and unable to deal with burying a child. The husband took the comment in as nothing more than the clerk acknowledging that the wife said they buried a child. No insult, no inference, no nothing else. The wife was worked up for days over it and why, what did that do for her?
Are you seriously criticizing a woman who lost a baby 6 months ago and is currently 2 months postpartum for being too sensitive? I just. Wow.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 21:21:06 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay home with 4 kids. Back in the late 50s and early 60s, my mom could not wait to get out of the house and back to work again. We did not need her income. She just wanted to interact with adults again and not just 4 kids 24/7. I was mostly a SAHM when I was married. I was happy that I could be home with my kids, but sometimes nothing but "baby" talk all day drove me nuts. I didn't mind all the other stuff that comes along with being a SAHM, but I needed more adult interaction. My solution was to get a part-time job where I could work around their Dad's hours. I'm glad I didn't know anything about the mommy wars when my kids were small. I didn't want to send my kids to daycare, but I certainly didn't judge women that did, whether they had to work or just wanted to work. The only Moms I've ever judged are the ones that treat their kids like an afterthought instead of a priority and/or abuse or neglect them. The rest of them, I give them the benefit of the doubt that they're doing what they think is best for their family. If I'd been judgemental about Moms sending their children to daycare while I was a SAHM, I would've been looking silly when mine went to daycare after their Dad and I broke up and I had to work full-time.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 26, 2014 21:21:13 GMT -5
I just ignore people. I don't care what anyone thinks about my parenting. They don't pay mybills so they don't get a vote.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 26, 2014 21:36:47 GMT -5
Well it isn't a friend's responsibility to build yours or anyone else's confidence. A person says they're a professional mom and somehow there's a backhanded insult in that? No different than a SAHP or SAHS saying they're the CEO of the Smith family. Should CEO's of actual corporations start looking for inference that somehow those "family CEO's" are implying they hold a more vital job than running a corporation? Why waste the emotional energy to take something in that is so meaningless to your life (your being the general population, not you specifically)? I'm assuming this friend didn't call Swamp unprofessional or dig at her being a lawyer. Like Goldengirl relayed it probably was some self-deprecating humor. Most people do it to some regard in areas of their life they lack confidence in or are uncomfortable with.
Here's an example where I say I see women as being too sensitive and I don't know, maybe just so biologically different than men. A friend buried their 14 month old daughter about 6 months ago. They now have a 2 month old daughter. A store clerk asked if the two month old is their first. Wife says no, we have a daughter in heaven. The clerk replies "I'm sorry, that must be hard for you." The wife chooses to be insulted that this clerk, who they knew all of fifteen seconds, was implying that the wife must be struggling and unable to deal with burying a child. The husband took the comment in as nothing more than the clerk acknowledging that the wife said they buried a child. No insult, no inference, no nothing else. The wife was worked up for days over it and why, what did that do for her?
Are you seriously criticizing a woman who lost a baby 6 months ago and is currently 2 months postpartum for being too sensitive? I just. Wow. Yeah, I tend to agree that woman can be a little too sensitive, but that one is really not a good example.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Oct 26, 2014 23:29:59 GMT -5
Hmmm. We used to call the moms who stayed home when their kids were small "household executives".
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 27, 2014 0:28:04 GMT -5
Hmmm. We used to call the moms who stayed home when their kids were small "household executives". Unfortunately, when I was a kid they were called housewives.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 27, 2014 0:44:05 GMT -5
I spend my money on hookers and blow. Isn't that what working moms are supposed to spend it on? Oh there's your problem. You are supposed to be spending all those working bucks on big boxes of wine and soft S and M porn like Fifty Shades. You are gonna have some seriously messed up kids .
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 27, 2014 0:53:53 GMT -5
#yeahthat For the mom's own peace of mind and mental health, she may want to find more constructive ways to handle comments about her child's death (it can't be good to be so upset over something fairly innocuous), but there is no way in hell I would ever call someone "too sensitive" for being upset over a comment made after s/he lost a child less than a year ago. Especially when so many people say really IMO dumb things in those situations, like "God needed another angel." I never know what to say to people that bring up their child's death. I want to acknowledge what they just said, but I don't want to say anything that might upset them. I was in a room with a group of coworkers, we were doing something for our employer. The lady that was explaining what needed to be done mentioned that her son had recently died. She got visibly upset when she mentioned it, nobody said anything and she kept talking. I don't know her well, but every time I've talked to her, she's always come across as a very pleasant, genuinely nice person. I felt awful, like one of us should have said something when we got a glimpse of her pain. But what? I went to her after the meeting and told her I hadn't heard about her son and I was very sorry. She got teary eyed again and hugged me and whispered thank you. Then I felt horrible all over again for making her cry. I just didn't want it to seem like nobody heard her or nobody cared. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but she hugged me so tight, I think it meant something to her. You did exactly the right thing. That was very kind and sensitive. When my brother died some people were reluctant to then mention him. Yes sometimes she got teary eyed but itwas far more comforting for hher to be able to speak at times about her son who existed and loved. It is far far more painful to not have your loved one acknowledged. It is far more painful when people act as if they never existed. You are not causing that person more pain. Yes they might tear up but you arevalidating and rremembering the person they loved and that is actually a comfort.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Oct 27, 2014 1:21:35 GMT -5
I never know what to say to people that bring up their child's death. I want to acknowledge what they just said, but I don't want to say anything that might upset them. I was in a room with a group of coworkers, we were doing something for our employer. The lady that was explaining what needed to be done mentioned that her son had recently died. She got visibly upset when she mentioned it, nobody said anything and she kept talking. I don't know her well, but every time I've talked to her, she's always come across as a very pleasant, genuinely nice person. I felt awful, like one of us should have said something when we got a glimpse of her pain. But what? I went to her after the meeting and told her I hadn't heard about her son and I was very sorry. She got teary eyed again and hugged me and whispered thank you. Then I felt horrible all over again for making her cry. I just didn't want it to seem like nobody heard her or nobody cared. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but she hugged me so tight, I think it meant something to her. You did exactly the right thing. That was very kind and sensitive. When my brother died some people were reluctant to then mention him. Yes sometimes she got teary eyed but itwas far more comforting for hher to be able to speak at times about her son who existed and loved. It is far far more painful to not have your loved one acknowledged. It is far more painful when people act as if they never existed. You are not causing that person more pain. Yes they might tear up but you arevalidating and rremembering the person they loved and that is actually a comfort.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 27, 2014 1:48:10 GMT -5
People shouldn't be so sensitive like op. She seems to care a lot about stuff for someone that says she doesn't care. I think it's a defense mechanism #drphil <<snort>>
Yeah, I'm known here for my sensitivity.
I read that and burst out laughing. I hate when I spit wine on my keyboard and monitor, it makes a gawd awful mess.
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mamasita99
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Post by mamasita99 on Oct 27, 2014 5:05:35 GMT -5
I called myself a "kept woman" when I had children at home and wasn't working. It added a little spice to my life
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2014 5:23:42 GMT -5
Home-schooled is not always terribly accurate either. But I guess we have to make distinctions some how? Or do we? ...
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 27, 2014 6:43:24 GMT -5
I think we all need to classify ourselves. Put ourselves in groups. People, by and large, need to feel like they belong to some group, no? I don't think belonging to a family unit is enough for folks anymore..
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 27, 2014 7:23:47 GMT -5
I quit my part time job when my last kid graduated high school. I am rarely home, spending lots of time traveling all over the country. I guess I could call myself retired if someone wants to label as something, but I dont think of myself as old enough to be retired....not sure why that is more palatable to some than a SAHM or SAHW. I want to do my running around when Im still youngish...I dont see myself doing this when I get older. Obviously - not a "stay at home" then . Maybe this is the phrasing that is in error. A stay at home wife/hub/mother/father, etc. What does that even mean - stay at home? Sounds like someone is grounded or house-bound. My secret's out. I am under house arrest
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