TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 20, 2014 17:13:36 GMT -5
I am sorry but women do not have that market cornered... They just get more publicity for it or complain about it more. I believe it is called being human; has nothing to do with being a woman; all about wanting to feel connected and being in a relationship. Also a small percentage of women stay in abusive relationships and I put them in the same category as men that stay in relationship with toxic women. Again being a woman is not a science; stop making it so complicated. Enjoy life and know it is ok to make some mistakes along the way Maybe you should tell that to all your crazy family. You certainly seem to love to judge others when they make what you deem are mistakes. Not sure why you feel so free in criticizing someone after the mistake, but not for giving advice that might prevent mistakes. LOL... Thank you, I will make sure to pass the message to my crazy family. Any other thing you would like me to add to the list while at it? What mistake are you trying to get her to prevent? Last I checked she did not say she was getting married again. I am saying I see no harm in someone going out on a date, or dates. You meet people, you mingle, you have a good time or maybe not. Have company for the opera, your favorite movie, or just a companion to talk to over dinner. That is the mistake you are trying to keep her from making? Again: she is not moving in with them, she is not marrying them... She is going out on dates! Geesh, if dating is that harmful I wonder why we let teenagers do it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2014 17:16:06 GMT -5
Well. Kind of hard to marry anyone else when she's still married.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 20, 2014 17:17:06 GMT -5
Really!!! Lord! The woman went on a couple of dates, she is not signing on a marriage license. That is why men will never ever get women, you turn everything into a BIG deal! When you are grieving, everything is a big deal. You are a rollercoaster of emotions. I do find it amusing that you admit you don't get women, but then feel free to criticize those of us that have BTDT as giving bad advice. Did I say it was "bad" advice? I said I did not see any harm in dating someone at this point. She is separated, with her own place and already started the divorce process. Again: she is not marrying him, not moving in with him... She is going out on "dates".
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 20, 2014 17:17:49 GMT -5
Well. Kind of hard to marry anyone else when she's still married. More reason to date LOL, she can't get married!!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 20, 2014 17:25:43 GMT -5
Maybe you should tell that to all your crazy family. You certainly seem to love to judge others when they make what you deem are mistakes. Not sure why you feel so free in criticizing someone after the mistake, but not for giving advice that might prevent mistakes. LOL... Thank you, I will make sure to pass the message to my crazy family. Any other thing you would like me to add to the list while at it? What mistake are you trying to get her to prevent? Last I checked she did not say she was getting married again. I am saying I see no harm in someone going out on a date, or dates. You meet people, you mingle, you have a good time or maybe not. Have company for the opera, your favorite movie, or just a companion to talk to over dinner. That is the mistake you are trying to keep her from making? Again: she is not moving in with them, she is not marrying them... She is going out on dates! Geesh, if dating is that harmful I wonder why we let teenagers do it. Jumping into a bad relationship. You may call it 'just dating'. But, she is grieving & hurting. She needs to heal on her own, not look for someone to jump into bed with to make it better. All that does is reinforce the need to have outside verification of your worth. If you need outside verification of your worth, then you are going to seek it out, even if it is with the wrong person & in a bad relationship, you become desperate. And if you are desparate, then it attacts crazies & you are even more likely to end up in a bad relationship.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 20, 2014 17:27:22 GMT -5
When you are grieving, everything is a big deal. You are a rollercoaster of emotions. I do find it amusing that you admit you don't get women, but then feel free to criticize those of us that have BTDT as giving bad advice. Did I say it was "bad" advice? You are laughing at the fact I said she shouldn't be dating & needs some time for herself. Or do you often laugh at good advice?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2014 17:32:24 GMT -5
Dating, when you're grieving, leads to rash decisions like long term relationships with 30+ year old addicts that live in mom's basement. The company of a loser that's bad for your mental health and emotional well-being doesn't help you heal or move on. People don't make smart decisions while grieving, which is why experts tell people not to move, change jobs, etc for at least a year after the death of a spouse or a divorce. I started dating 4 months after my separation....I didn't need to grieve my marriage - I wanted to celebrate that it was over. It's not one size fits all.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 20, 2014 17:33:13 GMT -5
Haven't you been with your wife since basically high school. Dating as a teen and dating as an adult are not the same at all. On many levels.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 20, 2014 17:38:20 GMT -5
Did I say it was "bad" advice? You are laughing at the fact I said she shouldn't be dating & needs some time for herself. Or do you often laugh at good advice? Because YOU did not follow your own advice . That is why I LOL'd
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 20, 2014 17:39:28 GMT -5
Ok, this is my last post because I've remembered why I don't.post on nutty threads anymore. This is a person who is vulnerable and publicly describes herself as "nutty". Do.you know who.lines up.to.date someone like that? Overwhelmingly the answer is going to be "no one good, and sometimes people who are very, very bad."
Carl, you say this isn't about being a woman, but I think you are wrong. When you are a woman who is attracting the wrong type.of.guy, you are attracting some guys who may be weird, but you can also be attracting the kind of guys who are flat out dangerous. And that is far.more likely as a woman than as a man.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 20, 2014 17:42:26 GMT -5
Haven't you been with your wife since basically high school. Dating as a teen and dating as an adult are not the same at all. On many levels. How different is it? I mean taking someone to dinner, talking, getting to know each other. Or a movie, or a play? Giggle, laugh or maybe there is no connection and you call it off early. How do adults do it? Do they start having sex right in the middle of the restaurant? Do they do some sort of ritual at the end of the meal? I am talking about a simple date. Meeting someone for coffee or see a game. Or a band play,, go dancing, jazz maybe? How did dating evolve? We are not talking being exclusive, moving in together or getting married. A simple date or a few dates... How did it get more complicated?
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 20, 2014 17:46:36 GMT -5
Anyway folks, this was fun!
Off to drive 3 hours home and thanks to this thread, I am taking my wife out on a "date" tomorrow.
She has been craving some sushi, add in some good wine and good company.
Thanks for making my down time at work fun! Good night ladies!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 20, 2014 17:52:33 GMT -5
You are laughing at the fact I said she shouldn't be dating & needs some time for herself. Or do you often laugh at good advice? Because YOU did not follow your own advice . That is why I LOL'd Maybe that is why I know it is such good advice But, in all seriousness...I did not take time for myself after my first marriage & I made horrible choices. One which I regret to this day. And then you know what kind of marriage I ended up in.... Right now...I could be criticized. But, I the divorced had been finalized for 3 months & we had been separated for 8 months in the prior year. Not to mention all the time we spent separated prior to that. In all, we probably spent over half of the last 3 years of our marriage not living together. So I feel like I took time for myself. I definitely went through a period of mourning & healing during which I didn't even consider dating. I focused on me & that is a big change after being married for a long time. I started back up on old hobbies, started working out, started focusing on what I wanted out of life. When you are in a failing relationship & trying to save it, one of the last things you focus on is what makes YOU happy. Changing to that focus is huge & takes time. Am I ready to be dating? Maybe I still am not. Which kind of further proves my point that nutty would be the last one to know if she is ready. I will fully admit that even though I feel ready, others might disagree & they might be right.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2014 18:04:24 GMT -5
Yup, nutty, take loony's advice. As you can see by her posts, she's got it all together. just reading the screen names is funny! nutty and loony any bat shit crazy giving advise? Oh boy! I hadn't put the screen names together and noticed that "loony" was giving "nutty" advice.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 20, 2014 18:41:33 GMT -5
Haven't you been with your wife since basically high school. Dating as a teen and dating as an adult are not the same at all. On many levels. How different is it? I mean taking someone to dinner, talking, getting to know each other. Or a movie, or a play? Giggle, laugh or maybe there is no connection and you call it off early. How do adults do it? Do they start having sex right in the middle of the restaurant? Do they do some sort of ritual at the end of the meal? I am talking about a simple date. Meeting someone for coffee or see a game. Or a band play,, go dancing, jazz maybe? How did dating evolve? We are not talking being exclusive, moving in together or getting married. A simple date or a few dates... How did it get more complicated? People make it more complicated, especially when you bring baggage to it - which 99% of teens don't have. Is it possible to be carefree about dating? Yeah. But from my POV, both personal and watching friends date, the older we get the less I see people just willy nilly dating. Someone wants more, someone doesn't realize they want more. Guys in their 40s would be more likely looking for something more than 18 year olds are. Save for fwb situations, but those don't involve any actual dating after the first meet up or two.
I've seen many, mostly female, think they can do the detached dating - especially after a breakup - and fail miserably at it. They often are helter skelter like nutty's posts are.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2014 18:48:07 GMT -5
Carl, I think the ladies are urging nutty to be cautious about dating because it's harder for a woman to date without getting caught up. Even when they aren't just coming out of a long-term relationship, some women can't date just for fun and leave it at that. They date with the purpose of finding a connection, somebody to be emotionally attached to. If they aren't in a good place mentally and emotionally, any kind of connection, even a bad one, can seem more appealing than being alone.
I think a woman is likely to be vulnerable right after leaving a 20 year marriage that ended with some possible infidelity on the husband's part (I'm not sure, nutty hasn't clarified that I know of). Dating just for fun, you need a certain kind of mindset and I'm not sure you can have that mindset in a healthy way when just a few months ago you were still thinking you and the man you've been married to for 20 years would only be with each other, for the rest of your lives.
And you mentioned getting her groove back, I think emotions and sex are more easily seperated for most men than they are for most women. Keeping them seperate is even more difficult when you're already vulnerable.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 20, 2014 19:21:38 GMT -5
Women aren't usually just out to get sex when they jump into another relationship after 20+ years of marriage. There's a lot more emotional stuff tied up in it than that. I'm speaking as someone who has been there done that. How do you know? Not each case is the same. Not every woman is the same. You might have wanted a time out while she wants a good lay after being with the same guy for 20+ years. I am just saying: no one else better than nutty knows what nutty need or want at this moment. So you go girl... You have locked it down for 20+ years now, time to enjoy yourself and make it about you, not the husband, the kids or grandkid... YOU! I'm no nutty expert, but wasn't it just a few months ago when she lost it and her husband could have called the police on her?
I don't think she's doing well enough to really know how she feels. When you are under stress for a long time sometimes it takes months before you get to a stable place.
FWIW, I think her grandkid is one of the things she really enjoys right now.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 20, 2014 19:29:04 GMT -5
Attracting a crazy ass stalker or control freak.
Dating before you are ready can be a problem. You have no life experience with this having never been divorced and being as young as you are. Men dating too early tend to get married before they have healed and fixed themselves. Its great if you like repeating patterns and can't handle living by yourself, but crappy if you want to improve your life and be a better person.
MOO. (Mmhmm inspired that! )
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Oct 20, 2014 21:56:54 GMT -5
Carl, I think the ladies are urging nutty to be cautious about dating because it's harder for a woman to date without getting caught up. Even when they aren't just coming out of a long-term relationship, some women can't date just for fun and leave it at that. They date with the purpose of finding a connection, somebody to be emotionally attached to. If they aren't in a good place mentally and emotionally, any kind of connection, even a bad one, can seem more appealing than being alone. I think a woman is likely to be vulnerable right after leaving a 20 year marriage that ended with some possible infidelity on the husband's part (I'm not sure, nutty hasn't clarified that I know of). Dating just for fun, you need a certain kind of mindset and I'm not sure you can have that mindset in a healthy way when just a few months ago you were still thinking you and the man you've been married to for 20 years would only be with each other, for the rest of your lives. And you mentioned getting her groove back, I think emotions and sex are more easily seperated for most men than they are for most women. Keeping them seperate is even more difficult when you're already vulnerable. WELL! that just clears it up for me! Thanks I can understand that
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 20, 2014 22:19:35 GMT -5
So the moral to this story is that Nutty should try many on for size but don't sign a long term lease. Rent to own? Or just eat the sausage now and then so you don't get too much heartburn or indigestion? And don't just have the same flavor over and over. Try many varieties. I think I may need a divorce. That sounds fun! Crazy is fun, right?
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 20, 2014 22:28:04 GMT -5
Pretty sure most are against any rent to own. Definitely catch and release if she can handle that.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 21, 2014 6:12:31 GMT -5
Carl, I think the ladies are urging nutty to be cautious about dating because it's harder for a woman to date without getting caught up. Even when they aren't just coming out of a long-term relationship, some women can't date just for fun and leave it at that. They date with the purpose of finding a connection, somebody to be emotionally attached to. If they aren't in a good place mentally and emotionally, any kind of connection, even a bad one, can seem more appealing than being alone. I think a woman is likely to be vulnerable right after leaving a 20 year marriage that ended with some possible infidelity on the husband's part (I'm not sure, nutty hasn't clarified that I know of). Dating just for fun, you need a certain kind of mindset and I'm not sure you can have that mindset in a healthy way when just a few months ago you were still thinking you and the man you've been married to for 20 years would only be with each other, for the rest of your lives. And you mentioned getting her groove back, I think emotions and sex are more easily seperated for most men than they are for most women. Keeping them seperate is even more difficult when you're already vulnerable. Just to be clear, this is not why I'm recommending she not date.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 21, 2014 9:28:22 GMT -5
How do you know? Not each case is the same. Not every woman is the same. You might have wanted a time out while she wants a good lay after being with the same guy for 20+ years. I am just saying: no one else better than nutty knows what nutty need or want at this moment. So you go girl... You have locked it down for 20+ years now, time to enjoy yourself and make it about you, not the husband, the kids or grandkid... YOU! Actually, speaking from experience....when you are in that period of grieving & feeling lost, you are the last person that really knows what you need. If women were so good at judging what they need, then why do women stay in abusive relationships? Why do they hop from one loser guy to another? Because for some of us, we are broken & it makes our man-picker broken. Then our mental state is obvious & all we will attract is the crazies. WHYYYY do you want her to grieve? I she wants to DATE Who knows where are you even after 10 years 'after'? And she might be ready NOW. You think you are an angel, right? Which no one is but whatever. Her alias is nutty. She is not an angel, she is ready to do something you aren't. Deal with it.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 21, 2014 9:30:43 GMT -5
You are laughing at the fact I said she shouldn't be dating & needs some time for herself. Or do you often laugh at good advice? Because YOU did not follow your own advice . That is why I LOL'd Carl, just leave it at that. You aren't going to win. Strangely enough I am agreeing with you on each of your post. Hmmm...what would that mean? I am a...man?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 21, 2014 9:34:28 GMT -5
Ok, this is my last post because I've remembered why I don't.post on nutty threads anymore. This is a person who is vulnerable and publicly describes herself as "nutty". Do.you know who.lines up.to.date someone like that? Overwhelmingly the answer is going to be "no one good, and sometimes people who are very, very bad." Carl, you say this isn't about being a woman, but I think you are wrong. When you are a woman who is attracting the wrong type.of.guy, you are attracting some guys who may be weird, but you can also be attracting the kind of guys who are flat out dangerous. And that is far.more likely as a woman than as a man. yeah...bsbound really much better name. and lots of fun.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2014 9:39:38 GMT -5
Carl, I think the ladies are urging nutty to be cautious about dating because it's harder for a woman to date without getting caught up. Even when they aren't just coming out of a long-term relationship, some women can't date just for fun and leave it at that. They date with the purpose of finding a connection, somebody to be emotionally attached to. If they aren't in a good place mentally and emotionally, any kind of connection, even a bad one, can seem more appealing than being alone. I think a woman is likely to be vulnerable right after leaving a 20 year marriage that ended with some possible infidelity on the husband's part (I'm not sure, nutty hasn't clarified that I know of). Dating just for fun, you need a certain kind of mindset and I'm not sure you can have that mindset in a healthy way when just a few months ago you were still thinking you and the man you've been married to for 20 years would only be with each other, for the rest of your lives. And you mentioned getting her groove back, I think emotions and sex are more easily seperated for most men than they are for most women. Keeping them seperate is even more difficult when you're already vulnerable. Just to be clear, this is not why I'm recommending she not date. I'm pretty sure you didn't tell her to go out and have sex with somebody, like Carl did. I was responding to the the things he's said.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 21, 2014 10:48:17 GMT -5
Looney, she SOUNDS like she's not in a good place right now. If you're not in a good place, you're not going to make good LONG TERM decisions, usually.
We are looking out for her. Of course she can do whatever she wants. But people here have an acute sense of reading between the lines, and to several (most?) of us, we are sensing nutty is in danger of making choices she will come to regret.
Some people can get divorced (or separated) and be perfectly fine at moving on smartly and quickly. From what I've read of nutty, she doesn't sounds like she's there yet. This thread is exhibit A.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 21, 2014 10:50:10 GMT -5
Actually, speaking from experience....when you are in that period of grieving & feeling lost, you are the last person that really knows what you need. If women were so good at judging what they need, then why do women stay in abusive relationships? Why do they hop from one loser guy to another? Because for some of us, we are broken & it makes our man-picker broken. Then our mental state is obvious & all we will attract is the crazies. WHYYYY do you want her to grieve? I she wants to DATE Who knows where are you even after 10 years 'after'? And she might be ready NOW. You think you are an angel, right? Which no one is but whatever. Her alias is nutty. She is not an angel, she is ready to do something you aren't. Deal with it. I don't want her to grieve, but she is grieving. That is a natural part of loss. She lost a relationship, a husband, a home, a lifestyle, so many things because of the divorce. You can't not grieve when your entire world is flipped upside down after 20 years. I can't even imagine what it is like to go through a loss like that after 20 years. Just reading her previous posts, it is obvious she is grieving...she is dealing with sadness, anger, bargaining. And there is nothing wrong with that, but to think that dating or sex is going to help her at all is wrong.
ETA - and Angel is just a name. Loony may have been chosen because it represents you. Angel was chosen because I once had a dog by that name & I liked it, so I use it for lots of online stuff. Don't read too much into it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2014 15:25:07 GMT -5
If nutty had come here and told us that she'd been thinking about leaving her husband for a while and she'd finally made her decision, she was moving to X place and she had Y plans for her future, and it seemed like she'd really thought it through and was following through with her plans, I'd still expect that she might be a little sad or something for a minute, but I'd think she was probably handling it ok.
That is not at all how nutty's story played out. She was kind of forced into making a decision and she wavered on it (which is perfectly understandable and not a bad thing) and floundered around with her plans for her future. I'm not knocking her, because I understand why a person would be like that, but she really has been all over the place.
When my friends break up with a boyfriend they've been with just a couple of years, I think they should take some time to focus just on themselves before they jump back into the dating scene, especially if it was an overall bad relationship or a dramatic breakup. So I understand why posters are urging nutty to do the same, given her circumstances.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2014 15:48:04 GMT -5
I totally agree with Pink's post!
Nutty was unhappy, but (per her claims) she didn't initially want the separation / divorce. Her DH stated he was unhappy, Nutty was unhappy hearing that, understandably. But it always sounded to me like she couldn't live with the uncertainly and chose to force his hand by being the one to ask for the separation / divorce. I'm not Nutty and I can't speak for her, but personally, I ALWAYS had the feeling she hoped he'd change his tune once she did that.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with her reaction, with not wanting to live with a spouse who is uncertain and unhappy. But, you need to own it, and IMO that's a far cry from somebody who has long been unhappy in their marriage and who is eager / longing to get the marriage done with and move on.
If you're outgoing and sociable, and it sounds like Nutty definitely is, being alone isn't easy. But as I've said before, it's not because it's hard that one's proverbial "40 days in the desert" isn't beneficial. You need to develop a better sense of who you are, what you want, what you need, what's acceptable and what isn't.
Nutty isn't there yet.
And as I told Nutty a LONG time ago, words have power. Nutty is a LOUSY nic. I can't remember her last nic but I DO remember it was something equally derogatory. I just remembered ... Naggie! The nag! The nag and the nut! What an enchanting profile to put forth into the universe LOL!
There are women on the WIR board that have names like "still drowning" and "crazy in debt" (OK, not literally those names, but very similar ones). I joined the WIR racers six years ago, left 4 years ago. These women CANNOT understand why most people have "won their (debt) race" and moved on. Yet they are still there, "still drowning" and still "crazy in debt".
Again, words have power.
Nutty needs to change her nic to reflect either where she is today (InLimbo? NotThereYet? NotQuiteThereYet? OnMyWay?) or better yet, where she wants to be. "AllKnowingAllPowerful" probably wouldn't be a good choice, but there's probably a happy compromise. ;-)
ETA: Or even something neutral, like "scarbelle or scarnan"
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