nutty
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Post by nutty on Oct 13, 2014 17:43:05 GMT -5
I started dating about a month ago, this guy was a nightmare. OMG, thank goodness I got out of that very quickly.
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MN-Investor
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Post by MN-Investor on Oct 13, 2014 17:45:35 GMT -5
Details. We need details.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Oct 13, 2014 17:55:17 GMT -5
I'm socially retarded. Didn't get married until 35. I learned that there was a reason why many of the single women I spent time with were single.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2014 18:15:24 GMT -5
Are you divorced already?! If not, what's your rush? I'm not looking at this from a religious point of view (ie you should not be dating until you are divorced) but from a pragmatic one.
Time spent alone, even if it's perceived of as one's 40 days in the desert, never hurt anyone.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Oct 13, 2014 18:19:23 GMT -5
I wasn't looking. He was a insecure, bipolar weirdo. Would get all pissy when I didn't respond to his texts and when I went out with friends. Among a whole lot of other stuff. Oh and he yelled at me...AW HELL NAH.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 13, 2014 19:06:53 GMT -5
Nutty, don't date yet. There is no reason to date at this point. Dating can be tough, and if you get with the wrong person, it can just lead to more trauma. JMO.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Oct 13, 2014 19:43:40 GMT -5
Well at least you were able to recognize all those "quirks" and move on.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Oct 13, 2014 19:49:17 GMT -5
Yeah right, there was so much more. I will say we weren't dating more like hanging out, it only took 16 days to see his madness. Still shaking my head at that head case.
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MN-Investor
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Post by MN-Investor on Oct 13, 2014 20:49:29 GMT -5
Just curious... where did you meet him? Or, how did you get acquainted with him so that he asked you out and you felt comfortable accepting the invitation?
(I'm nosy. You can ignore this.)
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 14, 2014 0:40:14 GMT -5
May I suggest some ALONE time? Seriously. Focus on YOU. And Just YOU.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Oct 14, 2014 7:16:17 GMT -5
When I got divorced, I vowed I wouldn't date for ten years. I really needed the time to just be by myself and put my own needs/wants first without the complications of another person's needs/wants. Unfortunately I only lasted a year (when I met my now DH). That said, we almost broke up during the first year because DH was wanting a more serious relationship than I could give at the moment, and we dated four years before we got married. We've been happily married for 11 years now, but I still wish he had come along a bit later in my life story. I did several completely amazing things during the two years I was alone (one year separated, one year divorced) that I would NEVER have done if I had had a BF to consider.
Alone time is critical to figuring yourself out IMO. You can't find a healthy partner if you are not healthy yourself. I know too many people who get divorced only to end up with the same type of problems again in their next relationship because they haven't fixed their core personal issues. Take time to work on yourself.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 14, 2014 7:29:28 GMT -5
The ONLY reason I was ready for a healthy relationship is because I stayed single and worked on myself for many, many years. Didnt mean I didn't date but I had ZERO intention of getting into anything remotely resembling a committed relationship. I dated one guy for a very long time but that was 3 years after my divorce and he was so busy with his career and his kids that he gave me plenty of space. That's the ONLY reason we dated as long as we did. When I was READY mentally, 9 months later DF came into my life. You need to learn that men don't fix problems, they come with a set of their own and you have to be healthy enough to cope with dealing with theirs, too. Even then, I was still naive enough to not see a lot of what came my way to cope with. If I'd still been mentally unready, it'd be a disaster. As it is, I am able to step away when I need to and focus on me.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Oct 14, 2014 7:54:20 GMT -5
He was a friend of a friend that came out with them one time and we started talking, nothing intentional at all. I am having alone time, I feel that I can go out on a few dates. I am not getting married now.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 14, 2014 8:01:47 GMT -5
I wasn't looking. He was a insecure, bipolar weirdo. Would get all pissy when I didn't respond to his texts and when I went out with friends. Among a whole lot of other stuff. Oh and he yelled at me...AW HELL NAH. Wasn't looking does not equal not dating.
There are several people I could date right now that I choose not to. I prefer to only date people who I can see as a long term possibility.
You are going to attract all kinds of weirdness until you get yourself straight. Unless your goal is to prove to yourself your husband is not that bad, I'd recommend not dating at least until after the divorce decree is final. JMO. YMMV.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 14, 2014 8:32:27 GMT -5
The ONLY reason I was ready for a healthy relationship is because I stayed single and worked on myself for many, many years. Didnt mean I didn't date but I had ZERO intention of getting into anything remotely resembling a committed relationship. I dated one guy for a very long time but that was 3 years after my divorce and he was so busy with his career and his kids that he gave me plenty of space. That's the ONLY reason we dated as long as we did. When I was READY mentally, 9 months later DF came into my life. You need to learn that men don't fix problems, they come with a set of their own and you have to be healthy enough to cope with dealing with theirs, too. Even then, I was still naive enough to not see a lot of what came my way to cope with. If I'd still been mentally unready, it'd be a disaster. As it is, I am able to step away when I need to and focus on me. This exactly! I'm still in the "zero intention" phase. It's important to figure out why I made the choices I made and to make sure I don't make them again. I have a bad feeling that you just can't be alone, nutty. That's not good because it's going to lead you to make some very unwise choices - pretty much like the one you made to date this guy. The next time could be worse. It sounds cliche, but until you can be alone and be comfortable with it, you have no business looking to date. Otherwise, you are going to go from one needy relationship to another - just looking to not be alone. It's not necessary to have a man in your life. It's nice, sure, but it's not a necessity. Learn to be alone first. It can really suck sometimes, but it's better than making another mistake.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2014 8:44:31 GMT -5
I remember being in a panic after first husband left. At the time it didn't feel like a panic, I thought it was just me moving on to bigger and better things, making lemonade out of lemons, what have you, but looking back, I definitely was not as in control as I thought. My emotions were running the show. I was hurt, I was scared, I was humiliated, and I was angry, but I didn't want anyone to know that. My life was about putting on a good show. Being the strong one. There were some pretty dumb decisions the first year. Within months I was dating the first guy to come along...literally. He was the next door neighbor. Mid-30's alcoholic, lived with his parents. Yep. Awesome. I think I'm lucky that he was as screwed up as he was, or I might have ended up marrying the guy. As it was he went into full scale stalker mode and freaked me out enough to get rid of him when I still could. I'm not saying this is you, so don't get all bent out of shape. I'm just saying it's really hard to recognize when you're in it. It had been about 3 years and I was ready to date when I started seeing Ex 2.0, but wasn't ready to marry. I succumbed to pressure there and shouldn't have. I've learned a lot about myself the past 10 years, some good, some bad. But this kind of sums up things right now.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Oct 14, 2014 8:54:28 GMT -5
I'm socially retarded. Didn't get married until 35. I learned that there was a reason why many of the single women I spent time with were single. Please, share so we can all be happier in our next lives.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 14, 2014 9:02:44 GMT -5
Nutty, don't date yet. There is no reason to date at this point. Dating can be tough, and if you get with the wrong person, it can just lead to more trauma. JMO. Not if she finds some awesome guy...
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 14, 2014 9:04:55 GMT -5
Nutty, don't date yet. There is no reason to date at this point. Dating can be tough, and if you get with the wrong person, it can just lead to more trauma. JMO. Not if she finds some awesome guy... Like your friend's guy who wants her as a friend not a lover?
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 14, 2014 9:09:38 GMT -5
Ironically it was only when I resigned myself to being single that I found my DW.
My previous serious other had problems with me keeping my son in my life. Of course her and I parted ways. Since I figured he was more important than any relationship I could have, I figured my life was on hold for a while.
That's when I met a woman with a big enough heart to accept both me and him. I was really lucky that I waited for her.
You never know! Yeah, your other serious other was an asshole.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 14, 2014 9:14:24 GMT -5
The awesome guys belong to someone else. DFs ex was careless and she lost him. Timing was right for me to step in. Two months as opposed to two weeks and he'd have been involved with someone else smart enough to grab him up. What's out there? Users, losers, mommas boys, baby daddy's, some old geezer looking for a nurse with a purse. Thanks but no thanks. Find a great group of female friends and have a ball! Enjoy your life free of the hassle of thinking of someone other than some man. Like YOURSELF!!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 14, 2014 9:33:09 GMT -5
Not if she finds some awesome guy... Like your friend's guy who wants her as a friend not a lover?
Its my 20 y/old child. Please, hide before I came after you
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 14, 2014 10:51:45 GMT -5
Not hiding. Remember I'm sick, know martial arts and drive a BMW.
P.S. Please start giving your child better advice or have her log in and post.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Oct 14, 2014 11:12:40 GMT -5
Not hiding. Remember I'm sick, know martial arts and drive a BMW.
P.S. Please start giving your child better advice or have her log in and post. My gramma drives BMW. She doesn't post but she reads sometimes here.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 14, 2014 11:46:48 GMT -5
I agree with some time to heal before moving on. I was married 17 years and thought I was fine divorce was my idea. I had a good job, found a lovely apartment, joined a gym and was working out daily. I met guys the first was totally inappropriate but broke my marriage vows with him which sealed the need for divorce no going back. I started looking at men, window shopping and found I was looking at the wrong ones. I had been married to an older man and was looking at older men, I think I was thinking that was somehow right so decided I needed to go younger. I tried dating younger men and they were immature, didn't need that. So I started dating a man 4 months older than me but mental health issues and didn't work, he worshiped me, I needed that and he had plenty of time for me. I knew he wasn't the one but he kept wanting to marry me, I told him I couldn't ever marry anyone with debt. I thought I was fine we were having fun, going out to dinner every night but then we took a vacation together. I was 9 months into the divorce and laying in a forest on a river on a beautiful day when I started to cry for no reason. Turned out I had been running from my feelings about my failed marriage. I dated that guy for 8 months but he was too needy so I dumped him. I spent the next 15 months seldom dating, got a house and relaxed alone when I met ISO. He is 2 months older than me, not needy, a good man who works and fishes and cares about me.
It took me 2 years and three months to find a suitable man, kept him 28 years so far trouble free.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Oct 14, 2014 11:51:59 GMT -5
Nutty - I waited 5 years after DH died to start dating. it started badly with miscommunication but so far its been awesome after clearing up the miscommunication. You need some space from the first relationship before jumping into dating in my opinion.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 14, 2014 12:01:40 GMT -5
I've been trying to find the right way to word this - if it comes off assholey, know I tried not to be.
Nutty, I would be careful about men who want to date you right now. On paper, if not in real life, you are currently kind of a mess. 40+yo in middle of a divorce, no assets, no job, teenage daughter with a daughter of her own. Most stable men that I know would take one look and say "Nope - she may be nice/smart/funny/attractive but she's not for me."
The type of guy I've seen be interested in women who are in a tenuous situation like yours are a few types: users/abusers, white knights, and the hopeless. Users/abusers want you because they think you'll be stuck, and will treat you very badly. White knights love to be helpful but you will keep having to get yourself into situations they can rescue you from or they'll get bored and find someone else who needs rescuing. The hopeless will become crazy octopuses who are convinced you are the one because you looked vaguely in their direction.
I think that you deserve better than any of those guys. But I think you need to get yourself in a good place first, because most guys who are in a good, stable place are looking for women who are similarly in a good, stable place. That doesn't mean life is drama-free 100% of the time, but it does mean that you have your head on straight and most of your issues sorted.
Good luck.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 14, 2014 13:16:39 GMT -5
Not hiding. Remember I'm sick, know martial arts and drive a BMW.
P.S. Please start giving your child better advice or have her log in and post. My gramma drives BMW. She doesn't post but she reads sometimes here. No worries. Perhaps you can borrow it, and we can race on a track. But seriously, if that situation did involve your daughter, you did her no favors not telling her that some men can be friends with women. And if a man says he isn't interested in you as a lover, believe him.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 14, 2014 13:50:56 GMT -5
He was a friend of a friend that came out with them one time and we started talking, nothing intentional at all. I am having alone time, I feel that I can go out on a few dates. I am not getting married now. Nope. Any time you're with someone, you have to consider them. You can do what you want of course, but you're not hearing us.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 14, 2014 13:52:44 GMT -5
Well, I've had a hard time finding quality women let alone getting them to actually put up with me.
It's rough out there. Good luck.
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