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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 14, 2014 14:34:07 GMT -5
I've been trying to find the right way to word this - if it comes off assholey, know I tried not to be. Nutty, I would be careful about men who want to date you right now. On paper, if not in real life, you are currently kind of a mess. 40+yo in middle of a divorce, no assets, no job, teenage daughter with a daughter of her own. Most stable men that I know would take one look and say "Nope - she may be nice/smart/funny/attractive but she's not for me." The type of guy I've seen be interested in women who are in a tenuous situation like yours are a few types: users/abusers, white knights, and the hopeless. Users/abusers want you because they think you'll be stuck, and will treat you very badly. White knights love to be helpful but you will keep having to get yourself into situations they can rescue you from or they'll get bored and find someone else who needs rescuing. The hopeless will become crazy octopuses who are convinced you are the one because you looked vaguely in their direction. I think that you deserve better than any of those guys. But I think you need to get yourself in a good place first, because most guys who are in a good, stable place are looking for women who are similarly in a good, stable place. That doesn't mean life is drama-free 100% of the time, but it does mean that you have your head on straight and most of your issues sorted. Good luck. I think that this needs to be reposted, there are a lot of wise words here and you'd do well to heed them.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 14, 2014 15:36:06 GMT -5
I've been trying to find the right way to word this - if it comes off assholey, know I tried not to be. Nutty, I would be careful about men who want to date you right now. On paper, if not in real life, you are currently kind of a mess. 40+yo in middle of a divorce, no assets, no job, teenage daughter with a daughter of her own. Most stable men that I know would take one look and say "Nope - she may be nice/smart/funny/attractive but she's not for me." The type of guy I've seen be interested in women who are in a tenuous situation like yours are a few types: users/abusers, white knights, and the hopeless. Users/abusers want you because they think you'll be stuck, and will treat you very badly. White knights love to be helpful but you will keep having to get yourself into situations they can rescue you from or they'll get bored and find someone else who needs rescuing. The hopeless will become crazy octopuses who are convinced you are the one because you looked vaguely in their direction. I think that you deserve better than any of those guys. But I think you need to get yourself in a good place first, because most guys who are in a good, stable place are looking for women who are similarly in a good, stable place. That doesn't mean life is drama-free 100% of the time, but it does mean that you have your head on straight and most of your issues sorted. Good luck. Until you have your life more together & are in an emotionally healthy state, you are going to attract emotionally unhealthy men & end up in unhealthy relationships. Take a break & focus on you for a while.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 14, 2014 15:36:27 GMT -5
The awesome guys belong to someone else. DFs ex was careless and she lost him. Timing was right for me to step in. Two months as opposed to two weeks and he'd have been involved with someone else smart enough to grab him up. What's out there? Users, losers, mommas boys, baby daddy's, some old geezer looking for a nurse with a purse. Thanks but no thanks. Find a great group of female friends and have a ball! Enjoy your life free of the hassle of thinking of someone other than some man. Like YOURSELF!! Yes, what she ( Zib ) said. My second husband was a widower, and because he's extremely cute, but not tall or Cary Grant type handsome, the ladies were not flocking to him. He was as lonely as heck, and when we met, it was like + love at first sight, but we waited a very, very long time to get married. We "went steady" for two years, since I wasn't ready to even have an engagement ring, but we were almost always together, and had a wonderful time. He had already stepped into a step-father role with our daughter, although it took her awhile to get used to the idea that Mom might have found " the one." Just be cautious about whom you go out with. If this guy was the "friend of a friend," then your friend should have tipped you off on what kind of issues he obviously has. She is no friend.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 17, 2014 9:05:24 GMT -5
He was a friend of a friend that came out with them one time and we started talking, nothing intentional at all. I am having alone time, I feel that I can go out on a few dates. I am not getting married now. Nope. Any time you're with someone, you have to consider them. You can do what you want of course, but you're not hearing us. Why is she supposed to be 'hearing us' if she is she and you is you and me is I am She needs to get her feet wet and REMEMBER how to deal with men. Without falling in love. Just dumb dating. Just to have fun. And tell us about it.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 17, 2014 9:08:20 GMT -5
My gramma drives BMW. She doesn't post but she reads sometimes here. No worries. Perhaps you can borrow it, and we can race on a track. But seriously, if that situation did involve your daughter, you did her no favors not telling her that some men can be friends with women. And if a man says he isn't interested in you as a lover, believe him.
I always do. Believe them. When they tell me that and please, de-code this because I can't: you did (+) her no favors not telling her that some men can (+) be friends with women... what ta heck was that?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 17, 2014 9:11:37 GMT -5
It is a double negative. I could have worded it differently, but I decided to leave it.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 17, 2014 9:18:08 GMT -5
It is a double negative. I could have worded it differently, but I decided to leave it. I kinda figure it out that it was double something, but I would like to know what ta heck was that? I am unable to de-code it myself.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 17, 2014 9:42:51 GMT -5
I think she means that you could have told your daughter that it is possible for a man to be friends with a woman -- that by NOT telling her this, you may have led her to believe that because the guy wants to spend time with her, that means he is romantically interested.
I think.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 17, 2014 10:51:14 GMT -5
I think she means that you could have told your daughter that it is possible for a man to be friends with a woman -- that by NOT telling her this, you may have led her to believe that because the guy wants to spend time with her, that means he is romantically interested. I think. I am sorry to hijack this thread but this FRIEND told her he broke up with GIRLFRIED because of HER...not romantically my arz!
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Oct 17, 2014 13:05:37 GMT -5
I'm socially retarded. Didn't get married until 35. I learned that there was a reason why many of the single women I spent time with were single. Please, share so we can all be happier in our next lives. What? You want to hear about the mentally ustable alcoholic with substance abuse problems that I had to take a 10" chef's knife away from to keep her from slashing her wrists? Or would the single Mom whose used car salesman ex-husband was being sought by the police and a couple of drug dealers be more entertaining?
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Oct 17, 2014 14:15:34 GMT -5
tskeeter - YES! The most exciting thing in my life is watching paint dry - blech!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 18, 2014 8:39:36 GMT -5
Please, share so we can all be happier in our next lives. What? You want to hear about the mentally ustable alcoholic with substance abuse problems that I had to take a 10" chef's knife away from to keep her from slashing her wrists? Or would the single Mom whose used car salesman ex-husband was being sought by the police and a couple of drug dealers be more entertaining? No, THAT I don't want to hear. But what I want to hear is following. Where any of these women met by you in library or or museum? And if not - where have you met?
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Oct 19, 2014 10:24:10 GMT -5
What? You want to hear about the mentally ustable alcoholic with substance abuse problems that I had to take a 10" chef's knife away from to keep her from slashing her wrists? Or would the single Mom whose used car salesman ex-husband was being sought by the police and a couple of drug dealers be more entertaining? No, THAT I don't want to hear. But what I want to hear is following. Where any of these women met by you in library or or museum? And if not - where have you met? Met both of them through work (neither worked for my employer). Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 19, 2014 10:43:42 GMT -5
No, THAT I don't want to hear. But what I want to hear is following. Where any of these women met by you in library or or museum? And if not - where have you met? Met both of them through work (neither worked for my employer). Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear. As my DD ( and single ) says, sometimes someone looks good on paper, but turns out to be not so good in real life.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Oct 19, 2014 18:34:46 GMT -5
tskeeter - YES! The most exciting thing in my life is watching paint dry - blech! That is sooo much better than the drama of dating/waiting/weeding out, etc. There is enough vicarious living on this board to keep life interesting.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2014 18:40:35 GMT -5
I started dating about a month ago, this guy was a nightmare. OMG, thank goodness I got out of that very quickly. I'm happy you are out!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 9:12:49 GMT -5
No, THAT I don't want to hear. But what I want to hear is following. Where any of these women met by you in library or or museum? And if not - where have you met? Met both of them through work (neither worked for my employer). Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear. ...but both are your examples seem mental. It is like you the same person done same mistake and I had heard more than once that some people just attract certain type. What is it in YOU that makes you pick them this way?
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 20, 2014 9:24:47 GMT -5
...but both are your examples seem mental. It is like you the same person done same mistake and I had heard more than once that some people just attract certain type. What is it in YOU that makes you pick them this way? In my dad's case, that was very true. When he became a widower at 60 and started dating using one of the online sites, he was complaining that all the women he was meeting were financial trainwrecks looking for a man to bail them out. I took a look at his profile and it was obvious why he was attracting that type. He was looking to date much younger than his age, he's only average looking for his age anyway, his pictures were not-so-subtle ways to brag about his money and he didn't really list any strong interests that would invite women to make a connection on mutual interests. So to be crass and clinical about it - he was a goofy looking older guy looking for a much younger women but without anything that would appeal to younger women but money.... so guess which younger women he was attracting?
When I tried to gently ask him about what type of woman he was interested in and have him compare that to what he offered, he seemed to miss the point that attractive women 20+ years younger than him who were also highly educated and financially successful already had their choice of men. So I had him list the attributes of his desired date/partner so I could help him see if that was reasonable and if it was, how he could tailor his approach to attract that. When I saw his list - 25 years younger than him, attractive, thin, blonde, at least a bachelors preferably a masters degree, financially independent, etc.... I told him he needed to stop trying to date and instead get himself a Russian mail order bride.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 20, 2014 9:32:11 GMT -5
Did you ask him what made him think they'd go for him instead of a hot guy their age? Geeze....25 years older. George Clooney is 25 years older than me and even with him I go between "he's attractive for a 53 year old" to "blech, he's only 8 years younger than my parents".
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 20, 2014 9:34:10 GMT -5
Did you ask him what made him think they'd go for him instead of a hot guy their age? Geeze....25 years older. George Clooney is 25 years older than me and even with him I go between "he's attractive for a 53 year old" to "blech, he's only 8 years younger than my parents". He's completely oblivious to the feelings, needs, desires and thoughts of any human being other than himself. So no, it would not begin to occur to him what she might think, feel, need, want....
And that's part of why I think a mail order bride would be a good solution for him and frankly for the woman as well. Makes the entire thing clearly a business relationship and each party knows exactly what is being offered/exchanged.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 20, 2014 9:37:05 GMT -5
Hey there, sis! That seems to be a common theme, though... many women who are a 6-8 seem to have no problem dating a guy who is a 5 or below, but a guy who is a 2 still thinks he deserves a 10. At least from my observation.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 9:42:45 GMT -5
...but both are your examples seem mental. It is like you the same person done same mistake and I had heard more than once that some people just attract certain type. What is it in YOU that makes you pick them this way? I told him he needed to stop trying to date and instead get himself a Russian mail order bride.
If he will buy into it - here is my advice. Something tells me that all those brides are stupid. When they come here and get to my store - they all complaining that they don't understand what he wants. HE wants you to speak some English or bring that translator who corresponded for you with so you can communicate. Also they are very unhappy about allowances they are getting. Even when she knew her husband is a mailman - she is about to get all Gucci and Versace and whatever. And if he doesn't live in a mansion - Also there is a Russian facebook (odnoklassniki.ru) where my husband's page is with our daughter at her senior prom. He is receiving all these naked pics of 'Russian brides' because they think our daughter is his date and they are getting in line. Just in case. Brrrrr
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 20, 2014 9:43:16 GMT -5
From mine too. I'm decently attractive, but most of the messages I get online date are from guys that are decidedly not attractive. Maybe 2 of 10 are attractive.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 20, 2014 9:43:40 GMT -5
That hasn't changed since I was in college. A guy that I went to a formal with asked me to get a date for his friend. Who seriously looked like Groucho Marx and that was even his nickname. I found a few girls who considered it, told my date, who told him, and the guy rejected THEM as not being good looking enough! I was pissed big time and this date of mine told me that even losers want 10's.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 9:47:41 GMT -5
That hasn't changed since I was in college. A guy that I went to a formal with asked me to get a date for his friend. Who seriously looked like Groucho Marx and that was even his nickname. I found a few girls who considered it, told my date, who told him, and the guy rejected THEM as not being good looking enough! I was pissed big time and this date of mine told me that even losers want 10's. I am pretty sure even in losers there are some than smarter than others Or maybe those who still wants 10s are haven't been around for long enough to realize their best bet is 'whatever comes my way'.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 9:48:38 GMT -5
From mine too. I'm decently attractive, but most of the messages I get online date are from guys that are decidedly not attractive. Maybe 2 of 10 are attractive. Post your profile, I will adjust it for you so you will be getting 11s and 12s
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Oct 20, 2014 10:02:05 GMT -5
Met both of them through work (neither worked for my employer). Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear. ...but both are your examples seem mental. It is like you the same person done same mistake and I had heard more than once that some people just attract certain type. What is it in YOU that makes you pick them this way? How does that saying go? You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Some truth to that. Actually, I think I'm OK. I was smarter than deciding that it would be a good idea to marry either of these women. And I don't have an extensive history of trying to fix screwed up situations. The woman I married is the low drama, low baggage type. It should be noted that the drama associated with candidate #2 wasn't her. It was her ex-husband. The guy she was smart enough to boot to the curb. Since the ex is her son's Dad, and they live in the same town, it's a little hard to have absolutely no contact. because the records show you were once married, the police come knocking at your door to see if you have any idea where they can find your ex. Really not much different than if the police knock on your door asking about your neighbor. That doesn't make you a fruit cake. But, the link of a child does increase the probability that those types of inquiries might happen again.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 10:14:02 GMT -5
...but both are your examples seem mental. It is like you the same person done same mistake and I had heard more than once that some people just attract certain type. What is it in YOU that makes you pick them this way? How does that saying go? You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Some truth to that. Actually, I think I'm OK. I was smarter than deciding that it would be a good idea to marry either of these women. And I don't have an extensive history of trying to fix screwed up situations. The woman I married is the low drama, low baggage type. I would be livid to be described as 'low drama, low baggage type' by my spouse...just for your info tskeeter and remember what you said Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear Goes so well for seemed to be 'low drama' us girls
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Oct 20, 2014 10:28:48 GMT -5
How does that saying go? You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Some truth to that. Actually, I think I'm OK. I was smarter than deciding that it would be a good idea to marry either of these women. And I don't have an extensive history of trying to fix screwed up situations. The woman I married is the low drama, low baggage type. I would be livid to be described as 'low drama, low baggage type' by my spouse...just for your info tskeeter and remember what you said Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear Goes so well for seemed to be 'low drama' us girls You'd rather be described as a drama queen with lots of baggage? I don't know how you are interpreting low drama, low baggage. But, I consider those to be positive attributes. Along the lines of good partner, financially responsible, etc.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 10:38:39 GMT -5
I would be livid to be described as 'low drama, low baggage type' by my spouse...just for your info tskeeter and remember what you said Sometimes it takes some time and effort before the baggage and drama in people's personal lives appear Goes so well for seemed to be 'low drama' us girls You'd rather be described as a drama queen with lots of baggage? I don't know how you are interpreting low drama, low baggage. But, I consider those to be positive attributes. Along the lines of good partner, financially responsible, etc. 'low drama, low baggage type' along with 'good partner, financially responsible' would give you a foot in your arz! from me that is. Idk maybe some women like it to be described like that
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