drivingaround
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Post by drivingaround on Sept 22, 2014 19:49:02 GMT -5
I was allowed to spend the night at GF's house and have GF's spend the night at mine, including sharing a bedroom, starting my junior year of HS. I'm in my early 40's so don't know, our parents definitely weren't free love or hippies. During the school week we were allowed to have that arrangement as long as we went to school and didn't play hooky. Other than the safe sex talk there really was no discussion on whether sleeping over was allowed. I can't say it caused more sex either, like others noted our parents worked until 6 so there was plenty of time to have sex without the sleep over.
My in-laws were very old fashioned and even though we were quite a bit older when we started dating there was no sharing a bedroom until after the marriage. Didn't bother me, their house = their rules.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Sept 22, 2014 20:05:10 GMT -5
my house was one of the "safe houses" in HS - my parents knew everyone b/c they ran a coffee shop in town. between my house and my grade school BFF's house around the corner, half my HS class had a safe place to sleep if needed - guy or girl. I was also a total goody two shoes in HS, and spent my time as Cupid rather than dating much.
that said, I still felt weird when I moved back home as an adult whose job required a stupid amount of travel. basically, I was storing my crap at Mom & Dad's while my comany paid for me to travel the world. when I was home, my then BF would stay w/me. it was really strange to come out of the bathroom in the morning to find my BF and mom out on the back porch, smoking butts at 6am. and no, we never had sex in my parents' house - I moved back into the bedroom I grew up in. way too weird!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2014 20:15:40 GMT -5
I don't know at what age, honestly. I'd rather them be home than doing it in cars and wherever I did it, I guess? It hasn't come up yet. I do offer them a drink if they want it, so far they haven't really taken me up on that yet either.
I worry more about what other kids might do at my house. I DO NOT want to be making that decision for any other parent! My kids are a boy and girl almost 16 and 13... And they have often had 'groups' of friends over, sometimes brothers and sisters given the nature of homeschooling, and a range of ages...
The last few times there have been mass sleepovers, I haven't slept much.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2014 20:55:52 GMT -5
My kids could not have boyfriends or girlfriends spend the night. I knew I couldn't stop them from having sex in my house but I wasn't going to give them permission either.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2014 21:09:13 GMT -5
First, I don't really have the right to give my kids permission to have or not have sex. Secondly, I find it a little weird, I guess, to acknowledge the more tawdry, pleasure aspects of a quickie in a car (for instance) as 'bound to happen' and thus tacitly condoning it... But not the intimacy and depth that actually sleeping together, talking, sharing, etc.. Aspects of sex that come with 'spending the night' Not sure I explained that well ... I will say. I'm just now starting to think about this seriously, I guess my ideas on it will evolve...
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 22, 2014 23:33:59 GMT -5
I know my kids are little, but HELL NO. Just hell no. Same sex sleepovers only.Would you still allow same sex sleepovers if your kid was gay? I don't know how or why but dh (before the h was an appropriate pronoun) and I spent every night together between our 2 houses for my entire senior year before we officially came out to our parents. I am still amazed at how surprised my parents were... I have no idea how I will handle this situation.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 23, 2014 0:50:22 GMT -5
This subject (sleep over) never came up, when my kids were young and living at home. Whew!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Sept 23, 2014 1:26:31 GMT -5
Well I didn't have any sleepovers BUT I was allowed to drink and smoke in my home from an early age. I have fond childhood memories watching The Bugs Bunny show drinking my beer. Of course now I don't smoke anything and I drink very little.
My mom allowed me to do whatever I wanted, it was a form of Reverse Psychology. I was also her most tamest child, you know how hard it is smoking a joint in front of your mom.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Sept 23, 2014 5:49:00 GMT -5
My parents NEVER allowed it in hs or college.
For my kids boyfriends in hs were all local so no need & nothing came up then. In college we did have a couple come stay w/us for as much as a week. DD slept in her bedroom upstairs. BF slept on the sofa in the family room downstairs.
Of course, what they did on campus as they had their own apartments after freshman year was probably totally different BUT we were NOT condoning it.
If I were TOTALLY honest, late DH had his own apartment while we were dating-you can figure it out.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Sept 23, 2014 6:02:19 GMT -5
No, we never did and never would have condoned teen age sex. We talked a lot about it with our kids.
Kids need parents, not parental friends.
As adults obviously they can do as they please. Though they don't expect to sleep with their SOs when they're visiting home.
That's our values and our kids respect it. We did all we could to impart our values to our kids and then left it up to them to make their own decisions. Done
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 7:58:47 GMT -5
Ok, but what 'value' are you really promoting? That sex is a hidden pleasure which should be stolen in strange moments out of sight and mind?
I guess if they are having sex, and you know they are having sex, I'm not sure what the pretense is about?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 8:03:16 GMT -5
First, I don't really have the right to give my kids permission to have or not have sex. Secondly, I find it a little weird, I guess, to acknowledge the more tawdry, pleasure aspects of a quickie in a car (for instance) as 'bound to happen' and thus tacitly condoning it... But not the intimacy and depth that actually sleeping together, talking, sharing, etc.. Aspects of sex that come with 'spending the night' Not sure I explained that well ... I will say. I'm just now starting to think about this seriously, I guess my ideas on it will evolve... Here's what I said: I knew I couldn't stop them from having sex in my house but I wasn't going to give them permission either.
I wasn't going to give them permission to have sex in my house. Allowing their boyfriends/girlfriends to share their bed overnight is at least indirectly giving them permission to have sex in your house imo. It's my house, I pay the bills, and I still didn't do certain things because my kids lived here, well they couldn't do those same certain things because they lived with their Mom. I know we've accepted that a lot of teenagers are going to have sex, but imo it's an adult activity. If you have to sneak and hide to have sex, you probably shouldn't be doing it. It's not on me to knowingly provide you a place for it.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Sept 23, 2014 8:06:18 GMT -5
I guess I would (and have) made it very clear to DD that you are not emotionally mature enough to have sex as a young teen regardless of what your raging hormones may tell you. I also consider certain activities (or lack of them) in my house a sign of respect, or disrespect depending on your viewpoint.
My parents would have considered it very disrespectful (as would I) if I expected them to tolerate or even condone me engaging in adult activities while still a dependent under their roof.
Your views and mileage may vary, however that is the belief system with which I was raised, and it's one I believe in. To me it would be very disrespectful for my child to expect me to abandone my belief system because she is not mature enough to wait...until she is mature enough.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 8:25:05 GMT -5
I'm trying to figure this out.
Ok, so the belief is not that sex is wrong, but they are too emotionally immature to engage in sex. And that it is disrespectful to engage in acts you are too emotionally immature for, at home while parents allow it.
Questions that come to me..
At what age are they emotionally mature enough? And is it ok at that point?
Do I have the right to decide for them when they are emotionally mature enough to do something with their own bodies?
Can we consider kids emotionally too immature for sex, but emotionally ready to raise children?
If someone is going to do, or even thinking about doing something I think they might be emotionally unready for, would I rather they feel comfortable talking to me about it, or feel they have to hide it?
Could I better influence the appropriate use of pregnancy and std protection if I didn't make sex taboo?
I guess im glad that my kids seem to be late bloomers in this area. Probably should spend some time answering my own questions...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 8:38:19 GMT -5
I never would have even thought of asking to have a girl overnight in HS. LOL at the thought! I never even brought any guys I was seeing around my parents at all for the most part. We would have rather both spent the night in one of our cars. Hanging out at my parents house? Not cool. Having said that, I did lose my virginity at home. Mom, stepdad and my brothers were gone for a weekend somewhere and I had the place to myself.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 8:47:17 GMT -5
I'm trying to figure this out. Ok, so the belief is not that sex is wrong, but they are too emotionally immature to engage in sex. And that sex it is disrespectful to engage in acts you are too emotionally immature for, at home while parents allow it. Questions that come to me.. At what age are they emotionally mature enough? And is it ok at that point? Do I have the right to decide for them when they are emotionally mature enough to do something with their own bodies? Can we consider kids emotionally too immature for sex, but emotionally ready to raise children? If someone is going to do, or even thinking about doing something I think they might be emotionally unready for, would I rather they feel comfortable talking to me about it, or feel they have to hide it? Could I better influence the appropriate use of pregnancy and std protection if I didn't make sex taboo? I guess im glad that my kids seem to be late bloomers in this area. Probably should spend some time answering my own questions... I didn't make sex taboo. What I said to them was something like "I reaaaaally don't think you should have sex until you're older. But here's what you need to know....." My kids talked to me about sex. I was glad, because I could make sure they had good information. My daughter was comfortable enough to ask me to take her to get birth control when she was about 16. I wasn't happy about what that meant, but I was glad that 1.she had enough sense to want to avoid getting pregnant and 2. she felt like she could talk to me about it. I didn't fuss at her or try to make her feel bad, I just got on the phone with the doctor's office and took her to the first available appointment. I still wasn't going to allow boyfriends and girlfriends to sleep in their beds.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 8:49:19 GMT -5
Ok. But why? I really am just trying to get a handle on this. Why is it ok to give them permission to have sex, but not ok to give them permission to sleep together?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 23, 2014 9:00:12 GMT -5
Didn't Firebird start a thread a while back asking when everyone lost their virginity? I'd be curious to see a % of those who were having sex under the age of 18, especially of this group.
I don't think I was emotionally immature. We used 2 forms of birth control including std protection, we talked about what we would do if we did get pregnant. I wasn't in love with him, and it wasn't a long term relationship but we weren't stupid kids either.
My biggest concern and reason for leaning towards no is making sure that all kids in the house feel comfortable. I remember a night I had spent at the boyfriends house and offering his little brother (hs freshman) a ride to school. That was weird. The teen years can be such a mix of emotions and I wouldn't want my 13 year old daughter uncomfortable bumping into 16/17 year old son's "friend" in the hall. I'd be less worried if it was reversed in that my daughter was 16/17 and son was 19/20 but I am 95% certain that is based on ages and not on gender. Please dear god, let the kids wait until 16.
If I were single and raising the kids I wouldn't have overnight guests for that same reason, although there is a lot more issues to be aware of when it is a parent.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 9:08:44 GMT -5
Yes, I definately think 13-15 is too young, but I guess I could see in the next few 16-18 years where it is likely to come up... I guess we'll see. I was 15. I think I'm getting too old to remember. But honestly, I might have waited longer if sex hadn't been something you fool around with in the neighbors cabin when you can sneak a few minutes away, but instead been part of a relationship you engage in once its serious enough to take home. And if they aren't willing to spend the night, maybe you shouldn't be giving it up. Think about it. Would you be having sex with someone who would only do it with you in the car and never slept over? ... Should we encourage that behavior in kids? I don't know.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 9:13:11 GMT -5
Think about it. Would you be having sex with someone who would only do it with you in the car and never slept over? ... Should we encourage that behavior in kids? I don't know. I don't know. At this point, it sounds pretty good to me!
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 23, 2014 9:26:48 GMT -5
Ok. But why? I really am just trying to get a handle on this. Why is it ok to give them permission to have sex, but not ok to give them permission to sleep together? I think it's a gut feeling thing - IOW not a logical thing. For example, I'm fine with my potential teenager having a small glass of wine with family at a special dinner. I'm not fine with the teen having a glass every night at dinner. Where is the line and how do I justify it? Hard to say - it's just my gut sense that one is OK and the other isn't. My 8yo DD transitioned to male this summer. I have no idea what this will mean in terms of being straight (preferring females) or gay (preferring males). As my son gets older, we'll have to talk about this more openly than with a typical kid because I don't feel comfortable with him having lovers overnight at a teen. Since we can't use the simplistic "opposite sex" rule, we'll have to come up with a more accurate guideline of some sort. Fortunately I have some time to figure this stuff out.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 9:29:34 GMT -5
Think about it. Would you be having sex with someone who would only do it with you in the car and never slept over? ... Should we encourage that behavior in kids? I don't know. I don't know. At this point, it sounds pretty good to me! It sounds good because adults we can choose casual sexual experiences if we want them. However, should we be teaching kids that this is what sex is... A casual, stolen experience out of context of a deeper relationship..?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 23, 2014 9:30:17 GMT -5
Ok. But why? I really am just trying to get a handle on this. Why is it ok to give them permission to have sex, but not ok to give them permission to sleep together? I think it's a gut feeling thing - IOW not a logical thing. For example, I'm fine with my potential teenager having a small glass of wine with family at a special dinner. I'm not fine with the teen having a glass every night at dinner. Where is the line and how do I justify it? Hard to say - it's just my gut sense that one is OK and the other isn't. My 8yo DD transitioned to male this summer. I have no idea what this will mean in terms of being straight (preferring females) or gay (preferring males). As my son gets older, we'll have to talk about this more openly than with a typical kid because I don't feel comfortable with him having lovers overnight at a teen. Since we can't use the simplistic "opposite sex" rule, we'll have to come up with a more accurate guideline of some sort. Fortunately I have some time to figure this stuff out. Rae SK. Huge, huge hugs to you for giving your child the space to be themselves. I can't imagine your path and admire your strength for being willing to take it with your child.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Sept 23, 2014 9:40:17 GMT -5
I don't know. At this point, it sounds pretty good to me! It sounds good because adults we can choose casual sexual experiences if we want them. However, should we be teaching kids that this is what sex is... A casual, stolen experience out of context of a deeper relationship..? I get this point. But I think that kids young enough to still be in high school aren't ready for that kind of relationship. I am glad my parents discouraged dating, looking back on it. Gave me time to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do. Once they are out of HS then it becomes a different issue I think.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Sept 23, 2014 9:45:44 GMT -5
Ok, but what 'value' are you really promoting? That sex is a hidden pleasure which should be stolen in strange moments out of sight and mind? I guess if they are having sex, and you know they are having sex, I'm not sure what the pretense is about? Nope, sex is a beautiful, intimate act. Not to be done casually. Especially for teenagers that are most often not emotionally prepared to handle sex. Our kids knew they could discuss anything with us, no matter what. Our love is and was unconditional. Our acceptance of their having sex as teenagers wasn't. That also included drinking, drugs, and any other dangerous behaviors. We could discuss our values and what we viewed as good judgement and what our expectations were. We weren't under any delusion that we could physically prevent them from having sex if they chose to. Or anything else. DH and I aren't parents who would surrender our views because we felt that it was inevitable that our kids would make other choices. Or because we wanted our kids to feel that we were progressive or cool. BS! We're not chameleons. We wanted to raise them with our values, not the world's. AFter that, they are free to make their own chioces.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 9:45:56 GMT -5
It sounds good because adults we can choose casual sexual experiences if we want them. However, should we be teaching kids that this is what sex is... A casual, stolen experience out of context of a deeper relationship..? I get this point. But I think that kids young enough to still be in high school aren't ready for that kind of relationship. I am glad my parents discouraged dating, looking back on it. Gave me time to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do. Once they are out of HS then it becomes a different issue I think. I agree. I'd rather have my kids experimenting (safely) in cars than getting into any "deep, meaningful" relationships in high school. Plus, half the fun back then was that it was taboo and you had to sneak around. I don't want to steal that from them.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 23, 2014 9:51:12 GMT -5
I think it's a gut feeling thing - IOW not a logical thing. For example, I'm fine with my potential teenager having a small glass of wine with family at a special dinner. I'm not fine with the teen having a glass every night at dinner. Where is the line and how do I justify it? Hard to say - it's just my gut sense that one is OK and the other isn't. My 8yo DD transitioned to male this summer. I have no idea what this will mean in terms of being straight (preferring females) or gay (preferring males). As my son gets older, we'll have to talk about this more openly than with a typical kid because I don't feel comfortable with him having lovers overnight at a teen. Since we can't use the simplistic "opposite sex" rule, we'll have to come up with a more accurate guideline of some sort. Fortunately I have some time to figure this stuff out. Rae SK. Huge, huge hugs to you for giving your child the space to be themselves. I can't imagine your path and admire your strength for being willing to take it with your child. Thank you. To say this has been stressful for me is an understatement. But so far, things have been amazingly great. He's attending a new school, can use the gender neutral bathroom there, and has his new male name and gender in the school's system. Therapy is going well, too. We've encountered a couple a$$holes, but I'd say we're at 90% support for the few people we've told so far (we're on a need to know basis at the moment). Our xmas card this year will be a bomb dropper, that's for sure. I think we'll encounter the really tough years (bullying) as we hit middle school. On the positive side, DS has bounced back from his suicide trajectory just AMAZINGLY. He is so much happier, lighter, HAPPIER, healthier, HAPPIER. Every day since he socially transitioned about two months ago has gotten better for his mental health. He's really becoming his true self right before my eyes. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 9:55:10 GMT -5
I tell people that even if we didn't believe so strongly in homeschool, I'd consider homeschooling middle school... I think middle schools are a social experiment we should end.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 10:02:07 GMT -5
Ok, but what 'value' are you really promoting? That sex is a hidden pleasure which should be stolen in strange moments out of sight and mind? I guess if they are having sex, and you know they are having sex, I'm not sure what the pretense is about? Nope, sex is a beautiful, intimate act. Not to be done casually. Especially for teenagers that are most often not emotionally prepared to handle sex. Our kids knew they could discuss anything with us, no matter what. Our love is and was unconditional. Our acceptance of their having sex as teenagers wasn't. That also included drinking, drugs, and any other dangerous behaviors. We could discuss our values and what we viewed as good judgement and what our expectations were. We weren't under any delusion that we could physically prevent them from having sex if they chose to. Or anything else. DH and I aren't parents who would surrender our views because we felt that it was inevitable that our kids would make other choices. Or because we wanted our kids to feel that we were progressive or cool. BS! We're not chameleons. We wanted to raise them with our values, not the world's. AFter that, they are free to make their own chioces. So if I decide to allow 16 or 17 or 18 year olds to sleep over, then I'm not a parent, am Into progressive BS and trying to be cool? Again, what value are you promoting? That sex before marriage is bad? That sex as part of a relationship is bad? That teenagers are too young to engage in sex? I'm not sure. And are all teenagers too young? Sometimes on here we seem to promote a weird sense of they are babies till they are on their own and can't make their own decisions and then suddenly it's grow the f$&k up already and be a responsible adult... Do kids really feel comfortable talking to parents about behavior that parents have already laid out as totally unacceptable?
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ohmomto2boys
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Post by ohmomto2boys on Sept 23, 2014 10:16:55 GMT -5
One time my boyfriend had to sleep over in HS. It was because of a snow storm and my mom called his mom. He slept in the basement in our TV room. We definitely didn't try to sneak to see each other. He was a senior, I was a Junior. My parents knew his parents really well and we were not having sex. That came after HS.
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