zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 9:26:06 GMT -5
He told me that the court would force him to pay child support for her and he was damned if he would so he waited until she graduated high school and then left.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 16, 2014 9:38:13 GMT -5
I can't believe OP has only been married for 14 months and the XH cheated for five of those months. Hugs to you OP - be thankful you don't have children and while the pain at this time is incredible (BTDT) you will get past it and you won't ever have to deal with your XH again. Re the paternity test, I would only recommend it if your BFF could legally/emotionally walk away should the results be negative. If he'll have to pay CS regardless, or if he loves the child and wants the relationship, getting the paternity test will only be painful for him. What a sad sad sad state of affairs (pun intended).
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 16, 2014 9:53:02 GMT -5
He told me that the court would force him to pay child support for her and he was damned if he would so he waited until she graduated high school and then left. That is disgraceful. He can be as angry as he wants at his wife, but to take it out on the child is unforgivable.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Sept 16, 2014 10:19:50 GMT -5
I'm just very glad we don't have kids, so when this is all done and over with, I never have to see him again. We have two dogs, but I am keeping them obviously. He cant even take care of himself.
My poor BFF is going to have to deal with his STBX for at least 16 more years! Hurley...very sorry to read all this. I suspect that based on the things you've written that your DH has done that your trust in him was probably shaky at best. I would respectfully suggest that you distance yourself a bit from your BFF and his wife. No matter what his parents or friends say....this is his life and the mother of his child. If he decides to reconcile or even wait to get divorced, that's his business and his decision. Having family and friends impose any pressure to take a certain action is really unwise. Unlike you, he will have to maintain a relationship with his wife for a long time. It's probably best to limit yourself to what you and your DH are going to have to do moving forward. His cheating with this woman is just a symptom of his issues....if it wasn't her it would most probably have been someone else(assuming that he hadn't already been unfaithful in all the years you've been together). Hang in there. Wish you the least amount of heartache possible to get through this.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 10:43:25 GMT -5
Re the paternity test, I would only recommend it if your BFF could legally/emotionally walk away should the results be negative. If he'll have to pay CS regardless, or if he loves the child and wants the relationship, getting the paternity test will only be painful for him.
I concur with this 1000%.
The little kid is two years old. That's plenty long enough for a bond to form. It sounds like this guy is a good dad and I'm sure he would never separate himself - it would only hurt him and his little girl. She's his daughter in every way that matters.
Speaking of hurting kids, I feel so bad for that poor kid who found them. And she asked him to stay quiet?!?!? That's worse than the affair in my opinion. What a thing to put on a teenager who loves his dad.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 16, 2014 10:46:51 GMT -5
if he cheats on her, he will cheat on you tooAngel, the fact that many women can't manage to figure that one out never ceases to amaze me LOL. I have been INCREDIBLY blessed with my friends. I'm 54. I've never shafted them, and they've never shafted me. This astounds me, too. A co-worker I had met a guy at a party and they started dating. After several dates, when they'd started having sex regularly, he admits not only that he has another GF, but that the GF was often staying at his house. The guy told my co-worker that he was willing to his current GF if my co-worker was willing to continue to make the drive to his house for sex (he lived about 2 hours away from her). And like an idiot, the co-worker eagerly agreed. Turns out this guy, who was in his mid-thirties, had three ex-wives and many ex-GF's. He averaged about 2- 3 years per woman before he began cheating on her. His excuse was that all those women were 'crazy.' I asked my co-worker if she didn't think that a guy who was so eager to his current live in girlfriend and who had such a bad track record with relationships might also at some point start cheating on her, and she told me in all earnestness that "he hasn't met a woman like me yet. He would never me." Sure enough, after a couple years, after she gave him fat cash gifts to help him build his house, after she paid for multiple lavish vacations (he earned a lot less than she did and had two kids to support), he dumped her. I at least had enough manners to not say 'I told you so' but seriously - I told her so!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 16, 2014 10:54:28 GMT -5
Hurley, I'm in favor of the paternity test for your BFF. I think he deserves to know the truth, and then do with it what he will.
And one other thing: both your STBXs need to be tested for STDs. Even if they swear they were only cheating with each other, you have no idea if it was true. If nothing else, get yourself tested. You don't want to have anything left behind by a cheating XH, because some things left behind are forever.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 16, 2014 10:55:38 GMT -5
Re the paternity test, I would only recommend it if your BFF could legally/emotionally walk away should the results be negative. If he'll have to pay CS regardless, or if he loves the child and wants the relationship, getting the paternity test will only be painful for him.
I concur with this 1000%. The little kid is two years old. That's plenty long enough for a bond to form. It sounds like this guy is a good dad and I'm sure he would never separate himself - it would only hurt him and his little girl. She's his daughter in every way that matters. Speaking of hurting kids, I feel so bad for that poor kid who found them. And she asked him to stay quiet?!?!? That's worse than the affair in my opinion. What a thing to put on a teenager who loves his dad. I think you guys are being short sighted here. If the test turns out he is not the father - he can still choose to be one. He can do the test without it being done through the courts, so even the mom wouldn't have that leverage. If it was me, I would want to know for sure. Then - I would make the choice as to the involvement. And remember - if he isn't the father - there IS a father out there that may also want to be involved. I would never bail on a baby that loved me. But - still - I would want to know what the situation was, and make that decision in knowledge. It would be far worse to go through thinking/assuming that you are the father, and then over time watch her slowly look more and more like the mailman. But sometimes (and I'm not saying this is one of them) it's better to NOT ask questions if you really think/know you're not going to like the answers.
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justme
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Post by justme on Sept 16, 2014 10:56:40 GMT -5
I think, the point may be that in some states if the child was born while they were married it doesn't matter who the father is, the husband is on the hook for the child support. I suppose there might be some way off the hook if the courts agree to let the bio father step up. So if he's in that state and finds out the child isn't biologically his the only choice he has is whether to see the kid or not.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 11:00:28 GMT -5
It would be far worse to go through thinking/assuming that you are the father, and then over time watch her slowly look more and more like the mailman.
First of all, kids don't always look like their biological parents. Often they pick up mannerisms and expressions of the people they live with and resemble them even more than their bio parents (I think @missmargarita mentioned something about this recently).
Second of all, it's one thing if he's emotionally prepared to end his involvement with his daughter if she's not biologically his. That's a choice everyone has to make for themselves. But if he's not, then he's better off not knowing. It will probably only torture him if he knows he's not her "real father" and he's still in her life as her father.
Knowing that kind of thing would kill me, if I were a guy. I might even end up inadvertently pushing my child away, to get some emotional distance in preparation for the day she learned the "truth." Unless I were prepared to walk away, I wouldn't want to know - and I'm usually a huge proponent of knowing the truth no matter how painful.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Sept 16, 2014 11:06:44 GMT -5
Re the paternity test, I would only recommend it if your BFF could legally/emotionally walk away should the results be negative. If he'll have to pay CS regardless, or if he loves the child and wants the relationship, getting the paternity test will only be painful for him.
I concur with this 1000%. The little kid is two years old. That's plenty long enough for a bond to form. It sounds like this guy is a good dad and I'm sure he would never separate himself - it would only hurt him and his little girl. She's his daughter in every way that matters. an ex-BF of mine went through something like that. he found out that the little girl he'd raised for just over a year wasn't actually his. during the divorce proceedings, he asked that his name be removed from her birth certificate. the judge said that would be okay, as long as the mother gave the real father's name to be put in place of his. the bitch just went S used to wake up in cold sweats for a while, calling out the child's name from a dead sleep. it sucked to see him mourning the loss of his daughter - which is really what it was.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 16, 2014 11:15:27 GMT -5
My concern would be that the child would find out at some point and feel ashamed about something they have no control over. Ashamed and then most likely betrayed about the lie. So honesty in age appropriate ways is always my first choice, but I'm not saying that would be simple.
I can't imagine ever walking away from a child who I had parented for 2 years.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 16, 2014 12:13:20 GMT -5
He told me that the court would force him to pay child support for her and he was damned if he would so he waited until she graduated high school and then left. That is disgraceful. He can be as angry as he wants at his wife, but to take it out on the child is unforgivable. Shit, my nasty ex did that to his biological child ( our daughter ), and is still taking it out on her to this day. Except for her aunt's memorial service and a very difficult lunch that they had together with grandma at her (grandma's ) behest, she hasn't talked to him in five years. He and his second wife are just that vicious to her. It's shameful. She's 34 years old now. He's just a monster, unfortunately.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 15:08:21 GMT -5
this makes no sense. he can do whatever he wants to in terms of being the parent.
Not necessarily true if a biological parent comes forward, or if he's not emotionally equipped to continue parenting a child that he knows isn't his biologically.
Some people can, and that's great. But I don't judge anyone for feeling differently about a kid once they find out it's not "theirs." It's just a terrible situation. If I were a guy and found out the daughter I'd been raising for almost two years wasn't mine, I'm honestly not sure I could handle that. Would I toss her out into the street, of course not. Would I pursue legal adoption and continue being her dad, probably. But I'm not sure I could get past knowing she wasn't really mine and knowing that one day I'd have to explain that to her. If I wanted to continue being her dad, it would probably be best not to know for sure.
Everyone's different but this is a Pandora's box thing. Some things are better left in the box - once you know, you can't un-know.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 15:18:59 GMT -5
this makes no sense. he can do whatever he wants to in terms of being the parent.
Not necessarily true if a biological parent comes forward, or if he's not emotionally equipped to continue parenting a child that he knows isn't his biologically. Some people can, and that's great. But I don't judge anyone for feeling differently about a kid once they find out it's not "theirs." It's just a terrible situation. If I were a guy and found out the daughter I'd been raising for almost two years wasn't mine, I'm honestly not sure I could handle that. Would I toss her out into the street, of course not. Would I pursue legal adoption and continue being her dad, probably. But I'm not sure I could get past knowing she wasn't really mine and knowing that one day I'd have to explain that to her. If I wanted to continue being her dad, it would probably be best not to know for sure. Everyone's different but this is a Pandora's box thing. Some things are better left in the box - once you know, you can't un-know. Why does it have to be different if you're a guy? What if you found out Baby Bird was switched in the hospital? eta: Although I do see that with the guy there's the obvious betrayal part to deal with. But that you would think would be more of an issue with the woman than the child. At least I'd hope so.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 15:21:49 GMT -5
Knowing, to me, would be a medical thing. Better to know before she starts experimenting with blood typing in school would be nice...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 15:30:54 GMT -5
Two related, but I guess different things there.
I'd love any kid I'm raising, but genetics are going to follow the biological parent, so knowing paternity would allow one to be equipped with genetic knowledge that might be medically relevant.
I've heard that some schools actually stopped blood testing experiments because kids turning up results meaning different from their presumed biological parents was too common. Ie. I'd hate for it to 'come out later' in some situation which wasn't controllable...
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 15:41:19 GMT -5
Why does it have to be different if you're a guy? What if you found out Baby Bird was switched in the hospital?
To be honest, Babybird's birth was so traumatic for me that this was actually a thing I obsessed about, before I found out that she went straight from the surgeon's hands to DH's, they both immediately received bracelets to link us all together, and he didn't leave her side from the time I was wheeled away until the time they rejoined me a couple hours later. Before they told me that, I was really paranoid that I somehow got the "wrong" baby because I was having trouble bonding with her. It was a huge relief to know that she was never out of his sight and they couldn't possibly have "switched" her.
But anyway, yeah, the reason I said "if I were a guy" is because there's no way I could have been "tricked" into thinking I was Babybird's mom (by DH) when I really wasn't. And in the event of a "baby swap" there would presumably be another baby in the mix, and it would be a question of whether to switch them back or keep the ones we had.
So in my mind that's a totally different scenario. Hurley's BFF faces the dilemma of finding out whether or not the kid is really his... if it's not, it's not like there's another two year old he could have instead, who WAS his. He'd just lose his daughter. Or keep her and always know that he wasn't her biological father. It's a bitch of a choice.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 16, 2014 15:43:47 GMT -5
Knowing, to me, would be a medical thing. Better to know before she starts experimenting with blood typing in school would be nice... Huh? I think what Oped means is that the kid finds out they have a blood type that could not possibly be the result of the two people they know as their parents. For example, I'm an AB-. Dad was an AB-, mom was a A-. If I had turned out to be O-, I would have had an inkling that one of them was not my biological parent. I do remember working through this kind of thing in High School Biology class.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 16, 2014 15:45:39 GMT -5
I think what Oped means is that the kid finds out they have a blood type that could not possibly be the result of the two people they know as their parents. For example, I'm an AB-. Dad was an AB-, mom was a A-. If I had turned out to be O-, I would have had an inkling that one of them was not my biological parent. I do remember working through this kind of thing in High School Biology class. I *still* don't know my parent's blood types and I'm long out of HS. My school must have quit that kind of experiment long ago.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 15:47:19 GMT -5
My concern would be that the child would find out at some point and feel ashamed about something they have no control over. Ashamed and then most likely betrayed about the lie. So honesty in age appropriate ways is always my first choice, but I'm not saying that would be simple. I can't imagine ever walking away from a child who I had parented for 2 years. Ashamed why? Ashamed they were a product of a cheating scandal or ashamed for not being "genetically" their fathers? As a man that is "strongly" considering raising a child that is not biologically mine; I will be damned the day someone tells me they are not "technically" my child. I will give said child my last name, feed them, raise them, mold them into the person they grow into. You bet your ass that child is mine. As my mom said: genetics are overrated, give me my grand baby already!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2014 15:48:21 GMT -5
I like your mom Carl
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 15:48:56 GMT -5
I think what Oped means is that the kid finds out they have a blood type that could not possibly be the result of the two people they know as their parents. For example, I'm an AB-. Dad was an AB-, mom was a A-. If I had turned out to be O-, I would have had an inkling that one of them was not my biological parent. I do remember working through this kind of thing in High School Biology class. I *still* don't know my parent's blood types and I'm long out of HS. My school must have quit that kind of experiment long ago. I graduated in 2003 and they still did them. I hated my dad so bad that I was actually praying that my mom had cheated on him and the test would prove he was not my father. My mom was deeply offended by it when she found out.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 15:50:29 GMT -5
I like your mom Carl A grandma wants what a grandma wants and right now my mom wants a grandbaby and doesn't care how she gets one.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 16, 2014 15:50:54 GMT -5
I think what Oped means is that the kid finds out they have a blood type that could not possibly be the result of the two people they know as their parents. For example, I'm an AB-. Dad was an AB-, mom was a A-. If I had turned out to be O-, I would have had an inkling that one of them was not my biological parent. I do remember working through this kind of thing in High School Biology class. I *still* don't know my parent's blood types and I'm long out of HS. My school must have quit that kind of experiment long ago. I had to ask my parents, and back in the Stone Age, we did do all kinds of creepy things in HS bio lab. Stuff they would never allow now, without a bazillion permission slips, a tank of bleach and the approval of every adult within 100 miles of the school. Gawd, the stuff we used to blow up, melt and just plain ruin back in those days.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 16, 2014 15:51:13 GMT -5
I *still* don't know my parent's blood types and I'm long out of HS. My school must have quit that kind of experiment long ago. I graduated in 2003 and they still did them. I hated my dad so bad that I was actually praying that my mom had cheated on him and the test would prove he was not my father. My mom was deeply offended by it when she found out. LOL!
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Timberwolf
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Post by Timberwolf on Sept 16, 2014 15:55:20 GMT -5
Hurley I am so sorry that you're going through this. I went through something similar 25 years or so ago and it does get better with time. ...And I could be Ann. She's right - it does get better with time, and with no kids involved, it really is so much easier (not saying that it's easy though). hang in there.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 16, 2014 15:57:10 GMT -5
It's one thing to adopt a baby you know isn't biologically yours - quite another to FIND OUT they are not biologically yours after raising them for years and thinking they were.
I'm not saying that either one justifies someone saying the kid isn't yours. Obviously it's yours if you've been raising it. But I do think there's a difference between knowing from the start you're not the bio parent and being tricked into thinking that you are the bio parent.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Sept 16, 2014 16:01:40 GMT -5
It's one thing to adopt a baby you know isn't biologically yours - quite another to FIND OUT they are not biologically yours after raising them for years and thinking they were. I'm not saying that either one justifies someone saying the kid isn't yours. Obviously it's yours if you've been raising it. But I do think there's a difference between knowing from the start you're not the bio parent and being tricked into thinking that you are the bio parent. You say trick I say : didn't know. If I stuff myself at a buffet and I get sick that night, can I pin point what got me sick? Was it the fish? The beef? The rice? The eggs? A cheater vary rarely stop sleeping with their partner just because they are cheating. Actually for most "cheaters" the act of cheating creates some sort of "honeymoon" phase at home, they are happier. So if someone is having sex with two people at once, how does she knows who is daddy? Not knowing is different from tricking, 50/50 chance she could be right or wrong.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 16, 2014 16:05:58 GMT -5
My concern would be that the child would find out at some point and feel ashamed about something they have no control over. Ashamed and then most likely betrayed about the lie. So honesty in age appropriate ways is always my first choice, but I'm not saying that would be simple. I can't imagine ever walking away from a child who I had parented for 2 years. Ashamed why? Ashamed they were a product of a cheating scandal or ashamed for not being "genetically" their fathers? As a man that is "strongly" considering raising a child that is not biologically mine; I will be damned the day someone tells me they are not "technically" my child. I will give said child my last name, feed them, raise them, mold them into the person they grow into. You bet your ass that child is mine. As my mom said: genetics are overrated, give me my grand baby already! Trust me Carl--My dh is not genetically related to our kids but he is their dad 100%. But kids internalize things, especially secrets. Dh and I had to go to a therapist before our fertility clinic would do the IUI and while it wasn't very useful for us in our situation what we took away from it was that kids need to know and how/when to start those conversations with our kids. I'm not suggesting that you tell a 5 year old that mom was stepping out and we have no idea who her "real daddy" is. I'm suggesting that you start with the conversations that the dad who has raised her has always loved her and IS her real dad regardless of genetics.
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