raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 15, 2014 18:38:30 GMT -5
I don't think he will take her back, our group of friends and his family have told him we will disown him if he does. Not only did she take part in ruining two marriages, and breaking up their family, but it was his 15 year old son who finally caught them. She then convinced him not to say anything for weeks before he was overcome with guilt and confessed what he saw to his dad. He is so distraught over it, that my BFF wants to get him to a therapist.
They are both screwed, and they are both about to be divorcees. Oh my gawd--how awful for that kid.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:39:06 GMT -5
Not this marriage. We aren't talking about a lack of communication. We are talking a total lack of respect. Maybe he's okay being married to a skanky Ho but maybe he isn't. Time will tell. I find it amusing that HE has the child. Good for him and his lawyer.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 15, 2014 18:41:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I went through it 18 years ago. I wish you the best.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 18:42:16 GMT -5
Funny how they had all this going on between them, and they are both crying and begging to me and my BFF not to divorce them now....isn't this what they wanted?!?! Friggin jerks!
WTF? They thought what, you'd be cool with it? Granted, a lot of people will put up with shit from their spouses. I give you both a lot of credit for doing what needs to be done. No need to stick around until the third/fourth affair, the out of wedlock kid, the STD tests... amirite? I think they thought they wouldn't be caught. Before his son caught them a few weeks ago, there were indications, but no one had actually seen anything going on but a bit of groping and flirting, except one friend swore she saw them making out, but she was so drunk she couldn't be sure. That was the beginning of April when it started, and sure enough she was right.
They had talked in June about ending it, because my BFF saw her groping him under a table, and threatened to leave her. But they obviously couldn't stay away from each other.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:43:54 GMT -5
I went through it 15 years ago but truth is, it was going on way before then.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:44:28 GMT -5
Thank GOD you are young and childless and can get on with your life.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 15, 2014 18:48:21 GMT -5
When my friend got a divorce her husband put on offer on the house that was 3 doors down. She said "That would be awkward at first, but it would be so easy for our son." He ended up not getting the house, and moved less than a mile away.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Sept 15, 2014 18:54:05 GMT -5
Hurley, are they in the Reno area? Just curious. Not too far of a road trip between Sac and Reno.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 18:54:44 GMT -5
I'm just very glad we don't have kids, so when this is all done and over with, I never have to see him again. We have two dogs, but I am keeping them obviously. He cant even take care of himself.
My poor BFF is going to have to deal with his STBX for at least 16 more years!
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 18:55:55 GMT -5
Hurley, are they in the Reno area? Just curious. Not too far of a road trip between Sac and Reno. Small town just outside Carson City. It takes 3 hours to get there from Sac with some mild weekend traffic.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 18:58:08 GMT -5
I'm getting ready to head home soon to cuddle with my dogs, crack open a beer and watch some football, but I just wanted to thank ALL of you for your support! This was my first work day since I found out, and I wasn't sure if I could get through it without crying, but you all made me laugh super hard! You guys are awesome!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2014 19:17:17 GMT -5
Oh hurley. I know I shouldn't be surprised at what people do, because I know people do shitty stuff all the time, but it still manages to surprise me a bit when I hear about it. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating with someone that's close to your spouse is just..... UGH! I can't even come up with something that isn't vulgar. I'm sorry your STBX and so-called friend betrayed you. I'm glad that you're able to smile about our fellow posters' shenanigans. Being able to laugh or smile means that (hopefully) you're not too far down in the dumps. Please be good to yourself and keep us updated about how you're doing.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Sept 15, 2014 19:21:55 GMT -5
Hurley I am so sorry that you're going through this. I went through something similar 25 years or so ago and it does get better with time.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Sept 15, 2014 20:26:15 GMT -5
Hurley, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this mess.
(By the way, is your BFF cute? I ended up marrying my best male friend, which was a good thing.)
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Sept 15, 2014 20:36:14 GMT -5
I'm thinking with her affair and breaking up two marriages, she won't be getting full custody. Lots of bad outrageous behaviors are extraneous to getting custody. For example, OJ Simpson got custody of his kids. ETA: I'm sorry your STBX has been such a shit, Hurley. Divorcing is hard on the soul. It is so much better, though, than a bad marriage.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Sept 16, 2014 6:00:24 GMT -5
Another thread I will be following as a family member is in a similar (even more similar to OP here than to Nutty). I have learned a bit to pass on to her. I would be interested in how your BFF’s kids handle things. My family member’s school age kid is having a really tough time understanding why Daddy is not home most nights & has a different place to live.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 16, 2014 6:31:55 GMT -5
I do have a sister, but she is 12 hours away, thinks my STBX is the scum of the earth (prob definitely right), he thinks she's a raging bitch (prob wrong right)
Fixed that for you.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 16, 2014 6:34:05 GMT -5
Girl version of "bros before hos." I heard "sisters before misters" a few times after Frozen came out.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 16, 2014 6:40:06 GMT -5
I don't think he will take her back, our group of friends and his family have told him we will disown him if he does. Not only did she take part in ruining two marriages, and breaking up their family, but it was his 15 year old son who finally caught them. She then convinced him not to say anything for weeks before he was overcome with guilt and confessed what he saw to his dad. He is so distraught over it, that my BFF wants to get him to a therapist.
They are both screwed, and they are both about to be divorcees. That poor kid. Give him hugs or whatever from us, ok?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 7:15:00 GMT -5
I'm thinking with her affair and breaking up two marriages, she won't be getting full custody. Lots of bad outrageous behaviors are extraneous to getting custody. For example, OJ Simpson got custody of his kids. ETA: I'm sorry your STBX has been such a shit, Hurley. Divorcing is hard on the soul. It is so much better, though, than a bad marriage. He got it because he killed their mother. Wouldn't have happened otherwise.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 7:18:26 GMT -5
I second the paternity test. Although I had a guy friend do that, it wasnt his daughter, and he stayed in the marriage anyway. Not the best thing because he never forgave his wife and hated his so-called daughter and neither knew why.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 16, 2014 7:18:37 GMT -5
Ya, worse for my best friend, him and his soon to be have a 2 year old daughter together! Le sigh. My guess is they are working on the theory the 2 year old won't remember any of this. I do wonder though, if our emotional memory does remember these things at these young ages even though our concious memories might not be able to recall a thing.
I think it will be challenging on the two year old. I hope both parents take the time to love and hold her and tell he how special she is. The emotional memory IMO, will remember that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 7:20:38 GMT -5
Wait until you start getting the "what took you so long" comments! That'll frost your nads.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 16, 2014 7:34:28 GMT -5
They do separate accounts and he's perennially behind on getting money to Hurley (now we know why.) Yes indeed. Spending it on a whore. Very sad. I think name calling is hurtful and can make things worse. Its her husband and the wife of her best friend. Sure we can call him a man-whore and her a whore, but I think it makes the situation worse and introduces in more anger etc.
I am anti-cheating, I am pro-walking away before something happens. I think however, like some YMers you share this view, we are a minority. Those who believe in try before you buy, are mostly fine with the cheat until they decide it will work better than their current situation, or they get caught.
I'm going to go all astrological now, so feell free to go La La La La or just skip it. Fall is always a season of transition, some things die away and others are pruned or transformed. Its a process that leads us to winter's inner world and to the new growth and opportunities of spring. September 8&9 were the last of 5 SuperMoons, so more intense than usual on those who can feel it. The fall equinox I think is Sept. 24th.
Many changes, possible reversals, etc. etc. during this time so personally while I remain positive on good developments, i.e. wil be cautiously optimistic until Oct.1st when things should be more stable. Friday was a many hour void course of Moon, and working somewhere temporarily, I think I get/feel it. (Most)Everyone was off or less friendly than usual at that job with my story.)
Hurley if you can, try not to take things too much at face value yet. Work through what you can, but save the conclusions and legal stuff for October. See attorneys, but wait on implementation, etc. till this very strong Sept gives way to a kinder October.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 16, 2014 7:35:48 GMT -5
Some of you testosterone-based lifeforms are ok. I find it helps to occasionally stop and ask myself, "what would somebody with ovaries do?" Doesn't work in line at the movie theater, but all in all it helps. You better not make us too wussy! <----- Gives Shaun the stink eye to make her point.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 7:38:06 GMT -5
True. I'm remembering the hell I went through with so-called friends smiling in my face and screwing my husband behind my back and laughing at me. It's makes me sensitive.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 16, 2014 7:44:43 GMT -5
Don't you just love friends who tell you this shit after you're going through your divorce? Both DF and I went through this. Nice friends. Yes. <- Sarcasm.
I understand it though. Some people don't want to get involved until its clear its falling a part. Even my Mom held back that She, Dad, and my XH's parents would often comment on the difficulties we head in the beginning of our marriage.
I *do* wish they had something. Expecially in front of both of us. Something like we are noticing X and it worries us been cause ...
XH was an only child and goes into cave mode and not explaining anything mode when mad, angry, or just needing to use his passive aggressive powers for netrual or lesser reasons. As you might guess, I talk more under stress, and want to figure out at least part of a compromise before things get too bad... So, while we were good dating at Purdue, being married in NJ was not that good of choice - at least from my point of view.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 16, 2014 7:48:04 GMT -5
Of course. I can't even believe women do that to each other, but that's another issue. x 1 million!!!! My mother and I were discussing this over lots of wine this last weekend. I don't understand why there is so much woman on woman crime when it comes to relationships! I am no saint, but I would never think to even touch one of my friends significant others, unless it was
Shit my BFF and I have joked that we have barely hugged the last 5 or so years out of respect for our spouses. lol Not much good that did!
Sorry Hurley.
I'm a hugger and my Spiritual Center is full of huggers. I do hug spouse's husbands, and often as part of the goodbye they give me when I leave whatever event I a m at with GF & hubby.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 8:11:30 GMT -5
Except for my next door neighbor and I told DF this and he laughs, there's no one my friends are married to that I'd even be interested in. But even if I were, no way in hell.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 16, 2014 9:25:04 GMT -5
I know. We had been friends for decades. Since 7th grade and I just couldn't be around him anymore. He felt my judgment of him and avoided me as well, so it's mutual. Took his son, once his "daughter" was over 18, and moved with him into a house. Don't know if they ever did get divorced.
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