justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Sept 15, 2014 17:07:12 GMT -5
I suspect you might be quite amazed to find out how often certain wives don't want to hear it, or choose to blame the "other woman" instead of blaming their DH.
Yeah, they don't want to admit they "can't hold onto their man" or whatever. So it's all the other woman's fault. I could see not telling an acquaintance, PERHAPS, especially if it was the husband of a work colleague at a holiday party or something - that could get dicey. But an actual friend, no question. I'd tell her what happened from my perspective and she could believe me or not. Girl version of "bros before hos." I always actually say "hos before bros" to my friends. I'll get a funny look the first time I say it to someone, but no one's been able to come up with a better girl version. Well, I am often told about "chicks before dicks" but I guess that doesn't roll off my tongue enough.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 18:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2014 17:09:29 GMT -5
if he cheats on her, he will cheat on you too
Angel, the fact that many women can't manage to figure that one out never ceases to amaze me LOL.
I have been INCREDIBLY blessed with my friends. I'm 54. I've never shafted them, and they've never shafted me.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Sept 15, 2014 17:20:11 GMT -5
if he cheats on her, he will cheat on you tooAngel, the fact that many women can't manage to figure that one out never ceases to amaze me LOL. I have been INCREDIBLY blessed with my friends. I'm 54. I've never shafted them, and they've never shafted me. I sort of shafted a friend once. Although it wasn't intentional. I knew she liked him & we were all hanging out in our dorm room together. I don't remember exactly how she did it, but she kept writing messages on a notebook & flashing them to me when he wasn't looking. "He likes you!!" "You should go for it". So I hooked up with him later & then she stopped speaking to me. Apparently I should have not even though she said to women are confusing sometimes. She was an odd duck though. She often wormed her way into my relationships & would try to become better friends with the guys than me. Not cheating level or anything, but she would start serious conversations about me with them & try to hang out with them without me there. Some of my boyfriends were kind of weirded out by her behavior.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 17:20:54 GMT -5
Seriously... I have a friend right now who is involved with a married guy and I'm trying to shake some sense into her. First, married people usually want to stay married. Just because he promises to leave her doesn't mean it's going to happen any time this century. He had his reasons for staying married to her before you came along, and the odds of those reasons suddenly becoming unimportant because now he has you are VERY slim. Second, even if he DOES leave her for you, what will you have? A CHEATER. Come on honey, it's not that complicated... Breaks my heart that she's willing to "wait for him as long as it takes"
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Sept 15, 2014 17:25:45 GMT -5
I need to bitch about this, and I don't want to tell too many people in my real life, so here goes....
DH is moving out, we are getting divorced. As if all of the problems we were having weren't enough, I found out he's been having an affair with one of my closest friends for the last 5 months. She is married to my best friend (a guy), and they live a few hours away, but we get together at least once a month as couples. Turns out her and my DH were fooling around right behind our backs as often as they could. Other mutual friends have come forward and said they have seen them do inappropriate stuff with each other, and a few weeks ago at her bday party, her 15 year old stepson walked in on them making out in the kitchen.
She confessed everything to her DH, who then told me. What a clusterfuck!
Looks like I need to lawyer up! I'm so sorry, Hurley. {{hugs}}
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 18:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2014 17:27:58 GMT -5
Angel, a similar situation happened with my DD (22) this past summer. She liked a guy, she ended up hooking up with him. One of her friends liked him too (DD swears she didn't know). The other girl stopped speaking to DD for a while after that.
I'll tell you exactly what I told DD ... he's a guy, he's human, he's not an inflatable doll! So surely HE has some say in who he chooses to hook up with too!
DD and the other girl were spending more time together a few weeks later (with other people). Thankfully, they worked it out and they are still friends (they are still part of the same group, but they were never very close friends).
|
|
hurley1980
Well-Known Member
I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 17:35:06 GMT -5
Posts: 1,959
|
Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 17:29:11 GMT -5
Shit my BFF and I have joked that we have barely hugged the last 5 or so years out of respect for our spouses. lol Not much good that did! It's too bad you guys aren't attracted to each other because it sounds like you totally deserve each other instead of the jerk and jerkess you married. How did you guys meet? You and your BFF I mean? Do you like his kid? It would be hilarious if you became roomies to save money during the divorces You guys could take the nicer house and leave the other house to the cheating exes. haha. We've been joking about it all weekend, but it just could never happen. We used to work together way back in the day, and I had recently moved to the town and didn't really know anyone, so I started hanging out with him and his crew. His kids call me Aunt Hurley, and I'm very close with his whole family. His parents wish we would get together too, but it would be like dating my brother!
Well, we do live in different states, and with our houses, we both owned them before we got married to our STBXs, and we intend to keep them. Both our STBXs right now are saying they don't want anything, but we are still protecting ourselves. Like I said earlier, with both marriages being so short (I'm at 14 months, and he's at about 2.5 years), neither one of them will get much. She might get some equity from the house, and maybe child support. But I honestly think he will get at least joint custody. He has their toddler all by himself right now, since she moved in with a friend. He's definitely the better parent of the two.
A couple of our other friends were saying that after the divorces are all done, they are going to slip a rumor to the exes that we are now dating and happily ever after, just to kick them when their down. lol I don't think they would believe it though. Deep down they know that's never a possibility with us.
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Sept 15, 2014 17:32:28 GMT -5
If you want to get back at him I will text you some dirty talk. You are such a considerate, supportive friend. And selfless, too.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 17:33:22 GMT -5
Hopefully she won't push for full custody just so she can get more child support. I hate it when that happens It sounds like you're keeping your sense of humor, which is awesome. I hope you have a good support network IRL (sounds like you do).
|
|
Abby Normal
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 12:31:49 GMT -5
Posts: 3,501
|
Post by Abby Normal on Sept 15, 2014 17:41:56 GMT -5
Been there- done that- and just celebrated our 20th anniversary. I married my BFF. The transition was weird but worth it.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 17:47:03 GMT -5
I dated my best friend once - difference being that I had a thing for him from the beginning in a BIG way. It just took him awhile to see me in that light, and by that time we had over a year of really solid friendship under our belt.
Other than DH, that was my best and healthiest relationship to date. The romance died quickly and we're not close anymore but it was amazing while it lasted and I've never regretted it. Dating your best friend is awesome.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 17:53:08 GMT -5
I'm thinking with her affair and breaking up two marriages, she won't be getting full custody.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 17:55:46 GMT -5
I'm thinking with her affair and breaking up two marriages, she won't be getting full custody.
I doubt that would have any bearing...
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 17:57:15 GMT -5
Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the state.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 17:59:24 GMT -5
Florida is also no fault and it does matter.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:00:54 GMT -5
Custody will not be an issue anyway. It will be joint, maybe with physical to mom but I think even then it will be at least 50-50.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,014
|
Post by raeoflyte on Sept 15, 2014 18:01:28 GMT -5
Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the state. How many states aren't "no-fault" anymore? Someone may have an affair, but maybe the spouse has been distant and unavailable for years, or was abusive, or, or, or.... It isn't the place of the courts to place judgment. They are basically there to divide property and provide for legal terms of child custody. I don't think there is any data that says that cheaters are bad parents.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 18:03:15 GMT -5
Hurley, do you know if they're both planning to stay in town? I would think it would be very difficult to share 50/50 physical custody of a toddler unless the parents lived close by (and pretty rough on the kid, as well).
My almost 3 year old niece goes back and forth between her parents but they live in pretty close proximity.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:04:11 GMT -5
I didn't say there was proof that cheaters are bad parents but it can be used. If you lie on that form you fill out, it's serious shit in Florida. Just saying.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:05:23 GMT -5
I know two guys that moved very close to their EX's so the custody could be 50-50. Actually the guys ended up with more because they had Saturday and Sunday as well.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 18:09:11 GMT -5
I know two guys that moved very close to their EX's so the custody could be 50-50. Actually the guys ended up with more because they had Saturday and Sunday as well.
That's what I would do if DH and I split. I would never live so far from him that 50/50 custody wasn't an option. I know not every family is like that, though.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:12:31 GMT -5
The guys wanted it. Their wives felt it was to lessen or get out of paying child support. I don't know about the one guy but the other just loved his kids.
|
|
hurley1980
Well-Known Member
I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 17:35:06 GMT -5
Posts: 1,959
|
Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 18:16:06 GMT -5
Hurley, do you know if they're both planning to stay in town? I would think it would be very difficult to share 50/50 physical custody of a toddler unless the parents lived close by (and pretty rough on the kid, as well). My almost 3 year old niece goes back and forth between her parents but they live in pretty close proximity. Yes, she is planning on staying in town and getting an apartment there, since that is where her job is, the daycare, doctors, etc. I'm sure they will share custody. Nevada is a no fault state I believe.
I was very happy to hear that she was getting an apartment there, since there had been talk among her messages with STBX of her looking at places in Sac. I don't think she was serious though, since she would have to leave her daughter behind. I think he thought they could move in together though.
Funny how they had all this going on between them, and they are both crying and begging to me and my BFF not to divorce them now....isn't this what they wanted?!?! Friggin jerks!
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:17:33 GMT -5
Yup, I knew it. He will probably forgive her to keep his daughter.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Sept 15, 2014 18:20:45 GMT -5
Funny how they had all this going on between them, and they are both crying and begging to me and my BFF not to divorce them now....isn't this what they wanted?!?! Friggin jerks!
WTF? They thought what, you'd be cool with it?
Granted, a lot of people will put up with shit from their spouses. I give you both a lot of credit for doing what needs to be done. No need to stick around until the third/fourth affair, the out of wedlock kid, the STD tests... amirite?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:22:24 GMT -5
Raising kids is very hard. Rising them alone is even harder. Find your equal, OP, not a man/child you can't trust.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,014
|
Post by raeoflyte on Sept 15, 2014 18:26:45 GMT -5
Yup, I knew it. He will probably forgive her to keep his daughter. I'm not trying to be snarky but I'm not following your meaning? It seems like you've been saying that he can keep her from getting full custody because she had the affair, but this post sounds like you think that affair mom can just up and leave the state with the child and he gets no say.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 15, 2014 18:29:22 GMT -5
No, I'm not saying that at all. It's doubtful she will get full custody to begin with but if she tries, he can get poopy with her. I think he will take his cheating spouse back to keep his daughter full time. Which means Hurley loses everyone because no way could he stay friends with Hurley if he stays with the woman that broke up Hurleys marriage.
|
|
hurley1980
Well-Known Member
I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 17:35:06 GMT -5
Posts: 1,959
|
Post by hurley1980 on Sept 15, 2014 18:36:21 GMT -5
I don't think he will take her back, our group of friends and his family have told him we will disown him if he does. Not only did she take part in ruining two marriages, and breaking up their family, but it was his 15 year old son who finally caught them. She then convinced him not to say anything for weeks before he was overcome with guilt and confessed what he saw to his dad. He is so distraught over it, that my BFF wants to get him to a therapist.
They are both screwed, and they are both about to be divorcees.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,014
|
Post by raeoflyte on Sept 15, 2014 18:36:58 GMT -5
No, I'm not saying that at all. It's doubtful she will get full custody to begin with but if she tries, he can get poopy with her. I think he will take his cheating spouse back to keep his daughter full time. Which means Hurley loses everyone because no way could he stay friends with Hurley if he stays with the woman that broke up Hurleys marriage. Gotcha. I definitely think that more effort should be put into trying to save a marriage that has kids, than I would put into one without. Whether that is worth it in this case is impossible to say.
|
|