Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 14, 2014 15:16:09 GMT -5
I disagree about never hitting. DD used to bite. We tried everything to get her to stop. It stopped when I bit her back and told her this is what it feels like to the people you bite. DD use to scratch. That stopped the time I finally scratched her back.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 15:19:31 GMT -5
It's not always that simple Carl. My BIL and his wife did discipline when DN#6 was young. In that case that is when I will happily pull the Haiti card or military school / boarding school. My # 1 job would be to keep you from self destructing and fucking up so bad you can never go back. And yes as a future paren I reserve the right to beat my kids if necessary... *flame away* And DN#6 is in a residential home. BIL and his wife are doing their best to keep her from self destructing more than she has.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 14, 2014 15:23:22 GMT -5
I was spanked as a young child. I'm theoretically not against spanking my own theoretical children using similar guidelines - young enough that groundings/taking things away don't work, not for every little thing, hand only over clothing, one or two smacks, etc. Kind of along the lines with maybe having to bite/scratch/whatever back if the kid isn't getting it.
None of that to me is beating my child. I would not say I was beaten as a child. To me someone saying they would beat their child conjures up images of the child getting punched, repeatedly hit, marks being left, as a whole the child getting beat up and looking so. That's not punishment.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 15:23:32 GMT -5
How will you get them to do their homework? How will you get them in the car to go to school? How will you make sure the kid stays in school for the day, or is there waiting to be picked up after? Yeah, for some kids that stuff just doesn't work. I have an acquaintance with a boy like that. Punishment of any sort does not phase him. He is now in a facility at 14 because the parents can't control him at all. But, I saw this coming 6 years ago & the parents didn't do nearly enough to straighten him up when he was young enough that they still had an opportunity. I am by no means implying that would fix every problem for every child, but by god I hope that I do everything I can possibly imagine before hitting my kids. I definitely think it is too easy to disengage from our kids and vice versa and that is where I would be getting rid of every electronic device in the house including the TV except for work/school.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 14, 2014 15:25:29 GMT -5
I was spanked as a young child. I'm theoretically not against spanking my own theoretical children using similar guidelines - young enough that groundings/taking things away don't work, not for every little thing, hand only over clothing, one or two smacks, etc. Kind of along the lines with maybe having to bite/scratch/whatever back if the kid isn't getting it. None of that to me is beating my child. I would not say I was beaten as a child. To me someone saying they would beat their child conjures up images of the child getting punched, repeatedly hit, marks being left, as a whole the child getting beat up and looking so. That's not punishment. I got those kind of spankings but the threat was getting "a knot snatched in your ass" doesn't quite sound so benign but it sure did scare a kid. I did also get to pick my own switch a time or two. (I hear, I don't remember that so it must not have been very traumatic huh?)
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Aug 14, 2014 15:25:30 GMT -5
In that case that is when I will happily pull the Haiti card or military school / boarding school. My # 1 job would be to keep you from self destructing and fucking up so bad you can never go back. And yes as a future paren I reserve the right to beat my kids if necessary... *flame away* I have known kids that grew up where beating was an acceptable punishment. It accomplishes very little, but further messing up your kid & is a really fucked up way to parent. Yes and the few you have met is enough to cast a vote on the millions that have done it. Got it!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 15:27:41 GMT -5
In that case that is when I will happily pull the Haiti card or military school / boarding school. My # 1 job would be to keep you from self destructing and fucking up so bad you can never go back. And yes as a future paren I reserve the right to beat my kids if necessary... *flame away* And DN#6 is in a residential home. BIL and his wife are doing their best to keep her from self destructing more than she has. DN6 was adopted--right? Do you know if bio-mom was on drugs? We have friends with adopted boys and bio-mom was on meth with the first and haldol with 2nd (incarcerated for most of his pregnancy--it is actually her 6th and 7th child). The son who was exposed to so much meth in utero has so many issues and gets kicked out of school/daycare regularly. The parents are doing everything they can with him and I really hope they find something that works before he is a teenager.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 14, 2014 15:28:22 GMT -5
I disagree about never hitting. DD used to bite. We tried everything to get her to stop. It stopped when I bit her back and told her this is what it feels like to the people you bite. My mom did this with my sister, who was a biter. That was the last time she bit someone.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 14, 2014 15:29:11 GMT -5
I have known kids that grew up where beating was an acceptable punishment. It accomplishes very little, but further messing up your kid & is a really fucked up way to parent. Yes and the few you have met is enough to cast a vote on the millions that have done it. Got it! If you are openly going to admit you think beating a kid is acceptable & an option for you, you are going to get judged. But, you already knew that when you said it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 14, 2014 15:30:36 GMT -5
I was spanked as a young child. I'm theoretically not against spanking my own theoretical children using similar guidelines - young enough that groundings/taking things away don't work, not for every little thing, hand only over clothing, one or two smacks, etc. Kind of along the lines with maybe having to bite/scratch/whatever back if the kid isn't getting it. None of that to me is beating my child. I would not say I was beaten as a child. To me someone saying they would beat their child conjures up images of the child getting punched, repeatedly hit, marks being left, as a whole the child getting beat up and looking so. That's not punishment. I got those kind of spankings but the threat was getting "a knot snatched in your ass" doesn't quite sound so benign but it sure did scare a kid. I did also get to pick my own switch a time or two. (I hear, I don't remember that so it must not have been very traumatic huh?) Oh, I'm pretty sure I probably got the threat too. I'd say the oldest I was and got a spanking was kindergarten but years later I was still terrified of doing something REALLY bad and what would happen to me. Not entirely sure why though, probably because my dad is scary as hell when he's mad. I probably made a lot of it in my head. Just like I swore they would have disowned me if I got knocked up in hs, I mentioned it years later and my mom said they would have been disappointed but they wouldn't have kicked me out. I apparently was the kid who thought up greater punishments than what my parents would have actually done and kept myself in line (for the most part). Self-disciplining almost.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 15:33:53 GMT -5
And DN#6 is in a residential home. BIL and his wife are doing their best to keep her from self destructing more than she has. DN6 was adopted--right? Do you know if bio-mom was on drugs? We have friends with adopted boys and bio-mom was on meth with the first and haldol with 2nd (incarcerated for most of his pregnancy--it is actually her 6th and 7th child). The son who was exposed to so much meth in utero has so many issues and gets kicked out of school/daycare regularly. The parents are doing everything they can with him and I really hope they find something that works before he is a teenager. Yeah, DH and I both remember being told that she was born with trace amounts of drugs and alcohol in her system. Bio mom was/is more than likely a druggie and a prostitute. DN#6 has got an alphabet of diagnoses - ADHD, Attachment disorder and I don't remember the rest. She's also African American in a white family. They attempted to keep in touch with her half siblings for a while but her behavior was worse when she'd come back or she'd be missing stuff (either given by her or taken by the siblings from her) so that stopped years ago. ETA - I did ask about biomom earlier this year. BIL's wife doesn't want to look for her and/or open up that can of worms. Can't say that I blame her. They're not sure if biomom is still alive or not.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 15:37:17 GMT -5
We were just talking about this on Sunday with my first husband's family that had got together for his daughter's 2nd birthday. My SIL brought up how she doesn't think she could raise kids today because of how crazy people are about reporting things (she never hit her kids, but she was talking about things like the leaving them in the car). Conversation drifted to their childhood. My ex and his two brothers and sister all got the "belt" or the extension cord growing up. I don't know. They all are pretty normal and well adjusted and none of them seem angry or resentful at their parents (who were also there). My SIL said that while she feels it could have been handled differently, she doesn't feel they were traumatized by the experience.
I got slapped a few times, but for the most part, I was just allowed to do whatever the heck I wanted, which in the end was probably worse than having a parent that demanded you tow the line.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 14, 2014 15:42:33 GMT -5
. My ex and his two brothers and sister all got the "belt" or the extension cord growing up. I don't know. They all are pretty normal and well adjusted and none of them seem angry or resentful at their parents (who were also there). My SIL said that while she feels it could have been handled differently, she doesn't feel they were traumatized by the experience. Doesn't make it right, or mean that you should make it a point to do it. Kids are extremely resilient. They can withstand all sorts of horrible things and turn out fine or even excel. I don't think the ends justify the means, though.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 15:43:31 GMT -5
Yeah my parents spanked us too. Mom used a wooden spoon, Dad his hand or his belt. I don't think it screwed up any of us but my younger sister is pretty vocal about not hitting. I Gibbs-smacked one of her kids a few months ago and was told very firmly that I wasn't to hit her kids. These kids are all teenagers and she and her DH will assign 10 pushups or x runs around the house as punishments instead.
I said something to my Mom yesterday about Cabe and laying awake at night and she confessed she used to do the same thing (more or less) with us. I gave her a hug and Thanked God because I so needed to hear that yesterday.
ETA - I don't remember any of us getting spanked a lot. Or having marks left. Dad tended to yell and threaten and go though with the punishment just enough that we knew he would. He did ground us a lot and Mom would promptly unground us. She wasn't getting stuck in the house with us in summer, trying to keep us quiet while Dad slept (he worked 3rd shift)
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 14, 2014 15:44:08 GMT -5
I got those kind of spankings but the threat was getting "a knot snatched in your ass" doesn't quite sound so benign but it sure did scare a kid. I did also get to pick my own switch a time or two. (I hear, I don't remember that so it must not have been very traumatic huh?) Oh, I'm pretty sure I probably got the threat too. I'd say the oldest I was and got a spanking was kindergarten but years later I was still terrified of doing something REALLY bad and what would happen to me. Not entirely sure why though, probably because my dad is scary as hell when he's mad. I probably made a lot of it in my head. Just like I swore they would have disowned me if I got knocked up in hs, I mentioned it years later and my mom said they would have been disappointed but they wouldn't have kicked me out. I apparently was the kid who thought up greater punishments than what my parents would have actually done and kept myself in line (for the most part). Self-disciplining almost. Mom regularly made a point of saying she'd raised her kids she wasn't raising anyone else's Dad was the parent who wouldn't say stuff twice, you made him repeat himself and you were going to pay. We didn't test dad too often and honest, if he used the right tone, I'd probably still ask how high if he told me to jump.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 15:46:12 GMT -5
. My ex and his two brothers and sister all got the "belt" or the extension cord growing up. I don't know. They all are pretty normal and well adjusted and none of them seem angry or resentful at their parents (who were also there). My SIL said that while she feels it could have been handled differently, she doesn't feel they were traumatized by the experience. Doesn't make it right, or mean that you should make it a point to do it. Kids are extremely resilient. They can withstand all sorts of horrible things and turn out fine or even excel. I don't think the ends justify the means, though. I didn't say that. Just responding to the posts that it screws them up.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Aug 14, 2014 15:46:34 GMT -5
I was spanked as a young child. I'm theoretically not against spanking my own theoretical children using similar guidelines - young enough that groundings/taking things away don't work, not for every little thing, hand only over clothing, one or two smacks, etc. Kind of along the lines with maybe having to bite/scratch/whatever back if the kid isn't getting it. None of that to me is beating my child. I would not say I was beaten as a child. To me someone saying they would beat their child conjures up images of the child getting punched, repeatedly hit, marks being left, as a whole the child getting beat up and looking so. That's not punishment. I got those kind of spankings but the threat was getting "a knot snatched in your ass" doesn't quite sound so benign but it sure did scare a kid. I did also get to pick my own switch a time or two. (I hear, I don't remember that so it must not have been very traumatic huh?) I remember being told I had to go out and pick a switch! I don't remember if I did it, or if my mom did though. I also remember the wooden spoon, eeeks! Seriously, it all just makes me laugh now. In no way do I feel as though I ever suffered from any physical abuse as a child.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Aug 14, 2014 15:48:05 GMT -5
I was spanked as a young child. I'm theoretically not against spanking my own theoretical children using similar guidelines - young enough that groundings/taking things away don't work, not for every little thing, hand only over clothing, one or two smacks, etc. Kind of along the lines with maybe having to bite/scratch/whatever back if the kid isn't getting it. None of that to me is beating my child. I would not say I was beaten as a child. To me someone saying they would beat their child conjures up images of the child getting punched, repeatedly hit, marks being left, as a whole the child getting beat up and looking so. That's not punishment. Yeah, this why I am wondering if carl really means to use the term "beat his kid." A beating to me is different than a slap on the ass every now and then, and physically abusing your kid IS NOT OKAY.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 14, 2014 15:48:56 GMT -5
Yeah my parents spanked us too. Mom used a wooden spoon, Dad his hand or his belt. I don't think it screwed up any of us but my younger sister is pretty vocal about not hitting. I Gibbs-smacked one of her kids a few months ago and was told very firmly that I wasn't to hit her kids. These kids are all teenagers and she and her DH will assign 10 pushups or x runs around the house as punishments instead. I said something to my Mom yesterday about Cabe and laying awake at night and she confessed she used to do the same thing (more or less) with us. I gave her a hug and Thanked God because I so needed to hear that yesterday. Oh, lord, the wooden spoon! Who ever told parents that was an acceptable means of punishment?! We got the dreaded spoon, too. As a matter of fact, my mom's best friend (when we were all little) carried one in her very large purse. We knew we couldn't misbehave at home OR out with friends - that mom was prepared!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 15:49:02 GMT -5
I think it's more important that the punishment (no matter what it is) is fair and justified and the kids know the boundaries and what will happen if they cross them.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 14, 2014 15:49:11 GMT -5
Doesn't make it right, or mean that you should make it a point to do it. Kids are extremely resilient. They can withstand all sorts of horrible things and turn out fine or even excel. I don't think the ends justify the means, though. I didn't say that. Just responding to the posts that it screws them up. I was just responding in general and using your post as a jumping off point.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 14, 2014 15:49:17 GMT -5
I got those kind of spankings but the threat was getting "a knot snatched in your ass" doesn't quite sound so benign but it sure did scare a kid. I did also get to pick my own switch a time or two. (I hear, I don't remember that so it must not have been very traumatic huh?) I remember being told I had to go out and pick a switch! I don't remember if I did it, or if my mom did though. I also remember the wooden spoon, eeeks! Seriously, it all just makes me laugh now. In no way do I feel as though I ever suffered from any physical abuse as a child. I recall switches and rulers but that's about it. I didn't get the ruler, little sis did. Mom used to throw a hairbrush down the hall to hit my sister's door in the mornings when she wouldn't get up. Somehow, none of us ever managed to be in the way of that thing. Nothing to do with beatings but it just popped into my head.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Aug 14, 2014 15:49:30 GMT -5
And I don't care if I sound like a judgmental bitch but no kid wakes up at 13 and spits in their parents' face.
I agree 100%. Behavior like this starts showing up early and either Mom/Dad missed the signs or were trying to hard to be a friend versus a parent. There could be other issues at play here too but again, they didn't happen overnight.
There is a difference between corporal punsihment and child abuse. A few swats on the rear never hurt a child anymore than telling them no does. Child abuse is beating or belittling a child for no other reason than it makes the abuser feel more powerful and in control. A parent who uses corporal punishment correctly is not doing it because it makes them feel good to do so. I never enjoyed spanking my children. It was a tool to help them learn what was and was not acceptable behavior.
And for anyone who thinks me a bad person for using corporal punishment, all I can say is my children have never raised their voice to me or talked back to me, were respectful to their teachers and other adults growing up (I received lots of compliments on their behavior over the years), and never really needed to be spanked once they were in school because by that point they understood bad behavior had unpleasant consequences. If anyone thinks they could have raised them any better, they would have been welcome to give it a try.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 15:52:42 GMT -5
I remember being told I had to go out and pick a switch! I don't remember if I did it, or if my mom did though. I also remember the wooden spoon, eeeks! Seriously, it all just makes me laugh now. In no way do I feel as though I ever suffered from any physical abuse as a child. I recall switches and rulers but that's about it. I didn't get the ruler, little sis did. Mom used to throw a hairbrush down the hall to hit my sister's door in the mornings when she wouldn't get up. Somehow, none of us ever managed to be in the way of that thing. Nothing to do with beatings but it just popped into my head. LOL It's nice to hear stories of other mothers driven crazy by kids that won't get up.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 14, 2014 15:53:54 GMT -5
I recall switches and rulers but that's about it. I didn't get the ruler, little sis did. Mom used to throw a hairbrush down the hall to hit my sister's door in the mornings when she wouldn't get up. Somehow, none of us ever managed to be in the way of that thing. Nothing to do with beatings but it just popped into my head. LOL It's nice to hear stories of other mothers driven crazy by kids that won't get up. Her other favorite was tapping her fingernails on my door. Made me want to pull her fingernails out. IDK why she thought we'd get up willingly, she was a big fan of sleep and so was her mother.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 14, 2014 15:54:34 GMT -5
I recall switches and rulers but that's about it. I didn't get the ruler, little sis did. Mom used to throw a hairbrush down the hall to hit my sister's door in the mornings when she wouldn't get up. Somehow, none of us ever managed to be in the way of that thing. Nothing to do with beatings but it just popped into my head. LOL It's nice to hear stories of other mothers driven crazy by kids that won't get up. We need a thread about what people do to make their kids get up! Mine are still of the age that if they just aren't moving, it is just easier to dress them when they are in bed & carry them off to the car. That usually only happens if we have to get up extra early for some reason.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 15:55:38 GMT -5
Yeah my parents spanked us too. Mom used a wooden spoon, Dad his hand or his belt. I don't think it screwed up any of us but my younger sister is pretty vocal about not hitting. I Gibbs-smacked one of her kids a few months ago and was told very firmly that I wasn't to hit her kids. These kids are all teenagers and she and her DH will assign 10 pushups or x runs around the house as punishments instead. I said something to my Mom yesterday about Cabe and laying awake at night and she confessed she used to do the same thing (more or less) with us. I gave her a hug and Thanked God because I so needed to hear that yesterday. Oh, lord, the wooden spoon! Who ever told parents that was an acceptable means of punishment?! We got the dreaded spoon, too. As a matter of fact, my mom's best friend (when we were all little) carried one in her very large purse. We knew we couldn't misbehave at home OR out with friends - that mom was prepared! The sound of Mom yanking out the drawer wooden spoons are kept in was enough to cause us to scatter and run. I honestly don't remember MOm using it on me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 15:59:34 GMT -5
LOL It's nice to hear stories of other mothers driven crazy by kids that won't get up. We need a thread about what people do to make their kids get up! Mine are still of the age that if they just aren't moving, it is just easier to dress them when they are in bed & carry them off to the car. That usually only happens if we have to get up extra early for some reason. when my kids were little they slept in their clothes for the next day....
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 16:01:11 GMT -5
LOL It's nice to hear stories of other mothers driven crazy by kids that won't get up. We need a thread about what people do to make their kids get up! Mine are still of the age that if they just aren't moving, it is just easier to dress them when they are in bed & carry them off to the car. That usually only happens if we have to get up extra early for some reason. My 12 year old has always been an early riser and is up, breakfast ate and lunch packed before I get up. He sometimes has to wake me! The 4 year old? OMG. I'm seriously considering just dressing him the night before. Older son poured water on him this morning. I don't recommend that. It put him into super-cranky mode.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 14, 2014 16:03:28 GMT -5
Oh, I'm pretty sure I probably got the threat too. I'd say the oldest I was and got a spanking was kindergarten but years later I was still terrified of doing something REALLY bad and what would happen to me. Not entirely sure why though, probably because my dad is scary as hell when he's mad. I probably made a lot of it in my head. Just like I swore they would have disowned me if I got knocked up in hs, I mentioned it years later and my mom said they would have been disappointed but they wouldn't have kicked me out. I apparently was the kid who thought up greater punishments than what my parents would have actually done and kept myself in line (for the most part). Self-disciplining almost. Mom regularly made a point of saying she'd raised her kids she wasn't raising anyone else's Dad was the parent who wouldn't say stuff twice, you made him repeat himself and you were going to pay. We didn't test dad too often and honest, if he used the right tone, I'd probably still ask how high if he told me to jump. Mom saying that probably is where I got it in my head! My dad was mostly a softie - until you made mom mad/upset/cry. If you did that holy hell was about to break loose. Never seen him madder to this day than in response to mom getting upset/angry. Even to this day! Which is rather sweet, when you don't have the hammer coming down on you.
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