Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 18, 2014 17:58:20 GMT -5
Don't you think by punishing her you actually are assigning the responsibility to her?
Not really... I believe in teaching consequences, that doesn't necessarily mean that the kid is 100% responsible for not doing something right off the bat, especially a kid so young.
My point is that teaching her not to go into the street (or anything else dangerous) is a process. It's not like she's an adult and I can tell her something once and reasonably expect it to stick. Toddlers have short attention spans and I just don't see the point in trying to "make it stick" by physically hurting her when she forgets.
That doesn't mean I'm not teaching her it's a bad idea. I think she is getting to the point where she "knows" she's not supposed to run into the street - but that doesn't mean she understands why it's more dangerous than, say, pushing me away when I'm trying to change her shirt or anything else we tell her not to do.
Modifying toddler behavior is tricky and I understand why people feel the need to spank, I just disagree with it as the most effective method (apart from my personal moral objection to hitting kids). Sometimes with kids that young there ARE no effective methods other than "tell them no and give them a consequence 8,000 times and hope it sinks in eventually."
If I did spank Babybird, it MIGHT "help" her remember better next time. It might not. I personally doubt it. But even if it would - it's not worth it to me. It's okay if my method is slower, as long as it sinks in eventually that she can't run into the street without checking for cars first. Which I'm confident she'll understand sooner or later (as I said, she's already getting there). And until then, I'll keep a close eye on her.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Aug 18, 2014 19:33:58 GMT -5
I hear ya, Zib. Both of my boys have had their moments. They think its a game/testing their boundaries. Each of my kids got spanked exactly once. Strangely enough for the same thing and at about the same age (~3yo) but 4 years apart. Both thought it would be funny to unbuckle their carseat while we were driving. I warned them not to do so, I told them it was dangerous, and I told them they would get spanked if they did it anyway. With a big grin on their face (rearview mirror) they would go ahead and do it anyway, along the lines of what are you going to do about this? Well, mom pulled over -> took the kid out of the carseat -> spanked said kid and put it back in the carseat. Now I could have waited until I was home and withheld dessert (hours later so I don't belief that's effective with young children), or maybe stopped and spoken sternly to them (look how well that worked) but this was important and it had to be nipped in the bud right there and then. I do belief that it saved DS1 life a couple of months later when someone rear-ended us at such speed that the frame of our car buckled! DS1 wouldn't have stood a chance of surviving that crash had he not been in a (at that time not mandatory) carseat. So while I can't say I am proud of those spankings I still am not sorry I meeted them out!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 18, 2014 20:20:14 GMT -5
Don't you think by punishing her you actually are assigning the responsibility to her?
Not really... I believe in teaching consequences, that doesn't necessarily mean that the kid is 100% responsible for not doing something right off the bat, especially a kid so young. My point is that teaching her not to go into the street (or anything else dangerous) is a process. It's not like she's an adult and I can tell her something once and reasonably expect it to stick. Toddlers have short attention spans and I just don't see the point in trying to "make it stick" by physically hurting her when she forgets. That doesn't mean I'm not teaching her it's a bad idea. I think she is getting to the point where she "knows" she's not supposed to run into the street - but that doesn't mean she understands why it's more dangerous than, say, pushing me away when I'm trying to change her shirt or anything else we tell her not to do. Modifying toddler behavior is tricky and I understand why people feel the need to spank, I just disagree with it as the most effective method (apart from my personal moral objection to hitting kids). Sometimes with kids that young there ARE no effective methods other than "tell them no and give them a consequence 8,000 times and hope it sinks in eventually." If I did spank Babybird, it MIGHT "help" her remember better next time. It might not. I personally doubt it. But even if it would - it's not worth it to me. It's okay if my method is slower, as long as it sinks in eventually that she can't run into the street without checking for cars first. Which I'm confident she'll understand sooner or later (as I said, she's already getting there). And until then, I'll keep a close eye on her. I do too, but I've noticed that with certain things it's just completely pointless to spend a lot of time on it at certain ages. The whole "running into the streets" is one of those things and what I meant by my statement is that by punishing her you are holding her accountable for her actions, while at the same time you don't think are her responsibility.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 18, 2014 20:38:04 GMT -5
I get your point and it's a good one but with very young children, I don't think holding them accountable for their actions automatically equals holding them responsible for things like their safety.
Not a perfect analogy but let's say your 12 year old kid snuck a beer at a family party when you weren't looking. You'd hold him accountable for that, right? But what if a trusted adult snuck the beer to him? Yes, he's still responsible for his drinking, but I bet you'd have some choice words for the imbecile relative who gave him a drink and said it was okay. The trusted adult knows how dangerous that is and should have been keeping him safe. Meanwhile, the kid should have known better than to drink beer without permission.
In other words, just because we hold the kid responsible in a limited way doesn't mean they are FULLY responsible for themselves. The younger they are, the truer that is.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2014 20:48:34 GMT -5
I I hear ya, Zib. Both of my boys have had their moments. They think its a game/testing their boundaries. Each of my kids got spanked exactly once. Strangely enough for the same thing and at about the same age (~3yo) but 4 years apart. Both thought it would be funny to unbuckle their carseat while we were driving. I warned them not to do so, I told them it was dangerous, and I told them they would get spanked if they did it anyway. With a big grin on their face (rearview mirror) they would go ahead and do it anyway, along the lines of what are you going to do about this? Well, mom pulled over -> took the kid out of the carseat -> spanked said kid and put it back in the carseat. Now I could have waited until I was home and withheld dessert (hours later so I don't belief that's effective with young children), or maybe stopped and spoken sternly to them (look how well that worked) but this was important and it had to be nipped in the bud right there and then. I do belief that it saved DS1 life a couple of months later when someone rear-ended us at such speed that the frame of our car buckled! DS1 wouldn't have stood a chance of surviving that crash had he not been in a (at that time not mandatory) carseat. So while I can't say I am proud of those spankings I still am not sorry I meeted them out! I would have spanked for that too. Like I said, I've spanked both my kids in the toddler/preschool time frame. It seemed to work, so I went with it. I'm all for natural consequences too, but getting hit by a car is a bit harsh. I did let both of them learn about the electric fence by just touching it. I warned them it was "hot" repeatedly, then just let them find out. I was able to use that lesson to keep them away from lots of other things that were really hot, like the stove and the campfire. My 4 year olds ears perk right up if you tell him something is hot now.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 18, 2014 20:58:44 GMT -5
If your kid is young enough to be in diapers, your kid is young enough that you should be attentive enough as a parent to not let them get into the street. Maybe if the parents caught a beating when this happens they'd watch over their kids a little better. It's not the kid who's misbehaving, it's the negligent parents. If you have children, I curse you with a runner.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 18, 2014 21:01:32 GMT -5
I Each of my kids got spanked exactly once. Strangely enough for the same thing and at about the same age (~3yo) but 4 years apart. Both thought it would be funny to unbuckle their carseat while we were driving. I warned them not to do so, I told them it was dangerous, and I told them they would get spanked if they did it anyway. With a big grin on their face (rearview mirror) they would go ahead and do it anyway, along the lines of what are you going to do about this? Well, mom pulled over -> took the kid out of the carseat -> spanked said kid and put it back in the carseat. Now I could have waited until I was home and withheld dessert (hours later so I don't belief that's effective with young children), or maybe stopped and spoken sternly to them (look how well that worked) but this was important and it had to be nipped in the bud right there and then. I do belief that it saved DS1 life a couple of months later when someone rear-ended us at such speed that the frame of our car buckled! DS1 wouldn't have stood a chance of surviving that crash had he not been in a (at that time not mandatory) carseat. So while I can't say I am proud of those spankings I still am not sorry I meeted them out! I would have spanked for that too. Like I said, I've spanked both my kids in the toddler/preschool time frame. It seemed to work, so I went with it. I'm all for natural consequences too, but getting hit by a car is a bit harsh. I did let both of them learn about the electric fence by just touching it. I warned them it was "hot" repeatedly, then just let them find out. I was able to use that lesson to keep them away from lots of other things that were really hot, like the stove and the campfire. My 4 year olds ears perk right up if you tell him something is hot now. It also depends on the kid. DS listens to warnings. DD just has to try it to see if I'm telling the truth.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 18, 2014 21:05:27 GMT -5
As the fellow parent of a 2-year old, I agree. I am assuming Zib's kid was a little older, but maybe not. Regardless, we hold hands when we're near a street or parking lot or she gets carried. Those are the rules. She doesn't always like the rules, but they are the rules. They will remain the rules until she's at least 47. This is our rule as well. We also have a mantra from birth "Cars don't look for little people." When we know that there's some understanding of getting hurt, we expand our mantra to "Cars don't look for little people. Cars can hurt little people."
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 18, 2014 21:40:47 GMT -5
I don't understand how someone can hit a child when not angry. I've been angry, and overwhelmed with ds and that is when I know I need to walk away. I can't think of hitting anything except out of anger-or trying to show that I have power.
The few times I've been scared for the kids safety my verbal reaction was enough to terrify them and remember never to try it again. Ds opened his car door when we were driving one day and my gawd-I about died.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 18, 2014 22:41:16 GMT -5
I get your point and it's a good one but with very young children, I don't think holding them accountable for their actions automatically equals holding them responsible for things like their safety. Not a perfect analogy but let's say your 12 year old kid snuck a beer at a family party when you weren't looking. You'd hold him accountable for that, right? But what if a trusted adult snuck the beer to him? Yes, he's still responsible for his drinking, but I bet you'd have some choice words for the imbecile relative who gave him a drink and said it was okay. The trusted adult knows how dangerous that is and should have been keeping him safe. Meanwhile, the kid should have known better than to drink beer without permission. In other words, just because we hold the kid responsible in a limited way doesn't mean they are FULLY responsible for themselves. The younger they are, the truer that is. Right, but in what way can a 2yr old can really be responsible or accountable for anything? Even when it comes to safety. Anyway, 6 yrs ago I probably would have handled things the same way as you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 18, 2014 22:46:23 GMT -5
I hear ya, Zib. Both of my boys have had their moments. They think its a game/testing their boundaries. Each of my kids got spanked exactly once. Strangely enough for the same thing and at about the same age (~3yo) but 4 years apart. Both thought it would be funny to unbuckle their carseat while we were driving. I warned them not to do so, I told them it was dangerous, and I told them they would get spanked if they did it anyway. With a big grin on their face (rearview mirror) they would go ahead and do it anyway, along the lines of what are you going to do about this? Well, mom pulled over -> took the kid out of the carseat -> spanked said kid and put it back in the carseat. Now I could have waited until I was home and withheld dessert (hours later so I don't belief that's effective with young children), or maybe stopped and spoken sternly to them (look how well that worked) but this was important and it had to be nipped in the bud right there and then. I do belief that it saved DS1 life a couple of months later when someone rear-ended us at such speed that the frame of our car buckled! DS1 wouldn't have stood a chance of surviving that crash had he not been in a (at that time not mandatory) carseat. So while I can't say I am proud of those spankings I still am not sorry I meeted them out! See, and I wouldn't have even thought of spanking them. I would have stopped the car and told them that this car does not drive unless everyone is buckled in. And I would have explained "why".
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 18, 2014 23:17:14 GMT -5
Right, but in what way can a 2yr old can really be responsible or accountable for anything? Even when it comes to safety. Anyway, 6 yrs ago I probably would have handled things the same way as you. When they figure out at 2 that it's better to blame an older sibling for wrong doings than to admit that they did it. While I was watching her throw things. DD2 knew EXACTLY what she was saying when she 1) said she didn't throw things then 2) blamed DD1 for it. We have been at a shallow lake for the past few days. I've let DD2 go in with the other kids, without me right on top of her. She knows how far I will let her go out by herself. She knows exactly how she's testing those boundaries. She knows she's not allowed to follow her sibs that are older and have more latitude than her. My DD2 got some weird neatness/domestic gene that bypassed me and the other two kids. Without coaxing/direction/telling, anything, she started clearing the dishes off the table herself before she turned two, as well as putting away the clean silverware from the dishwasher. She also throws garbage away without coaxing, and does things like put laundry down the laundry shoot and will put her shoes in the "shoe spot" in our house after she takes them off. We do have to remind her to take off her shoes. We're also giving her latitude in dressing herself. I can now simply tell her "We have to go, please get your shoes on" and she does it. Frankly, she's much easier to manage when I do that, vs. trying to help her. Same thing with picking out clothes. It's much easier to manage her if I say, please pick out your clothes, vs me picking out her clothes for her. Nevermind that she can barely see into her clothes drawer.. She also knows the way to the baby-sitter's house, and when we start going in that direction she says "No babysitter's house!" So, yes, my 2 YO does have "jobs" she's responsible for during family cleaning time. She's quickly becoming responsible for getting herself ready in the morning. And she catches on pretty quick to the rhythms of our household. My DD2 has been 2 for less than 4 months. My other two are not like that at all.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 18, 2014 23:28:36 GMT -5
When my oldest was 18 mo he had a lot of "jobs" that he assigned himself. He used to bring the light bags of groceries and put them away. He would put his clean laundry in his drawer. And since I was already very pregnant with DS2, I just let him do it without any supervision. He also knew the way to certain places, like his pediatrician's office and our regular pizza place. It was also very clear that he knew what he was doing in various instances. But I considered that all "extra" and not his responsibility. Anyway, as I mentioned before, I practice lazy parenting. I don't spend a lot of time on teaching things that will take much less time to teach later on. We'll see how my experiment turns out
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Aug 19, 2014 0:07:22 GMT -5
Each of my kids got spanked exactly once. Strangely enough for the same thing and at about the same age (~3yo) but 4 years apart. Both thought it would be funny to unbuckle their carseat while we were driving. I warned them not to do so, I told them it was dangerous, and I told them they would get spanked if they did it anyway. With a big grin on their face (rearview mirror) they would go ahead and do it anyway, along the lines of what are you going to do about this? Well, mom pulled over -> took the kid out of the carseat -> spanked said kid and put it back in the carseat. Now I could have waited until I was home and withheld dessert (hours later so I don't belief that's effective with young children), or maybe stopped and spoken sternly to them (look how well that worked) but this was important and it had to be nipped in the bud right there and then. I do belief that it saved DS1 life a couple of months later when someone rear-ended us at such speed that the frame of our car buckled! DS1 wouldn't have stood a chance of surviving that crash had he not been in a (at that time not mandatory) carseat. So while I can't say I am proud of those spankings I still am not sorry I meeted them out! See, and I wouldn't have even thought of spanking them. I would have stopped the car and told them that this car does not drive unless everyone is buckled in. And I would have explained "why". Well Lena, you know your children and I knew mine (not children anymore). DS1 would have made this into a game where he would unbuckle at any time at all. At least I did not have to stand over him after the car crash send him through the front window of the car saying " I told you to keep buckled in. I'm so sorry I could not teach you better and save you" What works for one child will not work for another and yours may very well obey after sitting there waiting and never try again. Mine... not so much.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 19, 2014 3:03:32 GMT -5
Wow, you guys put way more thought into this stuff than we ever did. I have spanked each kid once I think. In both cases they were 2-3ish. Spanking was one or two open hand swats to the behind, and done more to get their attention than anything else. These days they lose internet access or the power chords to their computers when they misbehave, but we got lucky and have two great kids.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Aug 19, 2014 7:18:18 GMT -5
I don't understand how someone can hit a child when not angry. I've been angry, and overwhelmed with ds and that is when I know I need to walk away. I can't think of hitting anything except out of anger-or trying to show that I have power.
The few times I've been scared for the kids safety my verbal reaction was enough to terrify them and remember never to try it again. Ds opened his car door when we were driving one day and my gawd-I about died. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't remember when or how old I was but I do remember my grandfather telling me a parent should never spank a child when they are angry. If a parent does it then, they are more likely to go to far IMO. I tried to live by that when I chose spankings as punishment but I can also admit (not proudly) that there were a few time I didn't wait. I can honestly say waiting made the punishment more effective because I could calmly talk to them about why they were getting a spanking and because I was calm, the swats were much lighter than they would have been if I'd been in a high temper. And by waiting, there were many times I chose not to spank them at all because I no longer felt the situation was serious enough for one. Those of us who use corporal punishment don't do it for every single thing. Like I said, its a tool. We try talking, timeouts, etc. but at times the only thing that gets the point across to a young child is a swat or two on the bottom. As far as a child running into the street, I'd have done the same thing. I talk to DGD about why she needs to hold my hand in parking lots, how dangerous cars are, etc. but that has yet to stop her from trying to take off as soon as I set her on the ground. She thinks its funny to make Gramma run after her - its a game. I correct her everytime and get this adorably mischevious smile in return. The other day I told her she had to hold my hand when I was getting her out of the car and got a very sarcastic sounding yes ma'am with that big smile (she's not even 3 yet). She is also at the age where she is figuring things out and will get into anything in the blink of an eye. Others make think its possible to watch a child 24/7 and keep them out of what may hurt them but having dealt with children since I was a child myself, I know that all it takes is a few seconds for them to get away from you.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 19, 2014 7:21:30 GMT -5
Wow, you guys put way more thought into this stuff than we ever did. I have spanked each kid once I think. In both cases they were 2-3ish. Spanking was one or two open hand swats to the behind, and done more to get their attention than anything else. These days they lose internet access or the power chords to their computers when they misbehave, but we got lucky and have two great kids. To b fair, when your kids were 2-3 you were probably thinking more about passing sophomore English than whether spanking was a just punishment for your kids.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 19, 2014 7:36:29 GMT -5
I don't understand how someone can hit a child when not angry. I've been angry, and overwhelmed with ds and that is when I know I need to walk away. I can't think of hitting anything except out of anger-or trying to show that I have power.
The few times I've been scared for the kids safety my verbal reaction was enough to terrify them and remember never to try it again. Ds opened his car door when we were driving one day and my gawd-I about died. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't remember when or how old I was but I do remember my grandfather telling me a parent should never spank a child when they are angry. If a parent does it then, they are more likely to go to far IMO. I tried to live by that when I chose spankings as punishment but I can also admit (not proudly) that there were a few time I didn't wait. I can honestly say waiting made the punishment more effective because I could calmly talk to them about why they were getting a spanking and because I was calm, the swats were much lighter than they would have been if I'd been in a high temper. And by waiting, there were many times I chose not to spank them at all because I no longer felt the situation was serious enough for one. Those of us who use corporal punishment don't do it for every single thing. Like I said, its a tool. We try talking, timeouts, etc. but at times the only thing that gets the point across to a young child is a swat or two on the bottom. As far as a child running into the street, I'd have done the same thing. I talk to DGD about why she needs to hold my hand in parking lots, how dangerous cars are, etc. but that has yet to stop her from trying to take off as soon as I set her on the ground. She thinks its funny to make Gramma run after her - its a game. I correct her everytime and get this adorably mischevious smile in return. The other day I told her she had to hold my hand when I was getting her out of the car and got a very sarcastic sounding yes ma'am with that big smile (she's not even 3 yet). She is also at the age where she is figuring things out and will get into anything in the blink of an eye. Others make think its possible to watch a child 24/7 and keep them out of what may hurt them but having dealt with children since I was a child myself, I know that all it takes is a few seconds for them to get away from you. This is so so wise, unfortunately, I've yet to master it. And for the record, I don't think me yelling at them the way I do sometimes is any better than would be me spanking them.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Aug 19, 2014 8:03:07 GMT -5
whoisjohngalt I have yet to master it either to be honest. I've gotten frustrated with DGD a few times and popped her diaper harder than I intended. And I agree on the yelling which I am very guilty of. I was a young mother and pretty much grew up with my children. I am more patient now but when I'm tired or frustrated I can be very "loud" and I was frustrated a lot when they were young.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2014 8:04:43 GMT -5
Doesn't it just floor you when they darn well do know what they are doing isn't allowed and while they're doing it, they're watching you and smiling. Just bating the bear, I think. Little buggers! If they weren't so cute, you'd sell them. Sometimes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 8:11:13 GMT -5
Constant yelling and nagging sucks. I'd rather be spanked and have it over with.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2014 8:12:36 GMT -5
I'm not a yeller. I get really quiet which my kids said was a hell of a lot scarier and I speak very low and very clipped. Then they knew that enough was enough. Mostly they were good. DD more mischievous than DS but he had his moments, too. His were rarer which made them, except for the street incident, funnier. I've mentioned the cat one before. The bee one, obviously, plus the napkin scattering. That one had me laughing and reaching for the camera. He threw his tantrum with Grandma, thank god, because I'd have been clueless how to handle it. She knew exactly what to do and it never happened again. I did it when DD threw hers, worked like a charm. DD didnt get challenging until HS. She was never easy but she wasnt bad all the time. Unfortunately, according to my EXs mom, he did the same thing at the same age. So since DD is getting better than she used to be, I'm hoping, the good will win out. Because it didnt for her father and he isn't a happy man. I hear the same phrases coming out of her mouth and it frightens me. I don't give a rats ass about him being a miserable sod but I'd rather it didn't happen to her.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 19, 2014 8:43:56 GMT -5
Constant yelling and nagging sucks. I'd rather be spanked and have it over with. Just a hunch, but I doubt Lena is constantly yelling. I hate it when I yell, and while it usually comes out because of something the kids said/did its usually because I'm super stressed/overly tired and need to find a way to fix that so I can be a better parent. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 8:46:15 GMT -5
Constant yelling and nagging sucks. I'd rather be spanked and have it over with. Just a hunch, but I doubt Lena is constantly yelling. I hate it when I yell, and while it usually comes out because of something the kids said/did its usually because I'm super stressed/overly tired and need to find a way to fix that so I can be a better parent. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I wasn't referring to Lena, it was just a general comment about my punishment preference.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 9:02:49 GMT -5
A question for those of you that have kids that are difficult, what was your frame of mind (in general) when you were pregnant with them? Sometimes I think the kid gets the temperament of the mother during pregnancy. Well then I'm just fucked 6 ways to Sunday with DS. I didn't get happy about that pregnancy until around 7 months. I found out I was pregnant on a Wed. or Thurs. and was planning on having the "I'm one and done" discussion with DH on Sat. DD was about a year at that point.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 9:10:12 GMT -5
The way I see it, Lena, she is who she is. I just brought her into the world, I didn't decide what religion/sexuality/gender/profession/personality/etc. she would be. In theory, I agree with this. In practice, I want their personalities to be easier for me to handle.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 9:18:20 GMT -5
I get that it's considered punishment. My point is that I could never "punish" my child that way, even if I somehow felt it was deserved. I couldn't watch someone else do it, either. And I'm not sure in what universe kids have the ability to misbehave to the point that they would deserve such a brutal punishment. You're still looking at the situation with empathy - as a person considering the feelings and needs of the other person. These parents are not looking at anything but their own needs. Their anger, their helplessness, their frustration, their embarrassment... their needs. The feelings and needs of the other person are irrelevant and don't enter into the equation. And when the feelings of the children are considered - there's a raging case of guilt added on top of all the other emotions/feelings. It's not a good brew. I love my kids. I want what's best for them. But damn, I do not know how to reset my switches so I react differently. So I guess I'm going back to therapy to see about how to change ME.
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 9:29:21 GMT -5
No.
You can't believe the unbelievable amount of judgment and unsolicited advice you get from people when they learn that you don't talk to your mother. I don't discuss that with people because it really stinks to get a well-meaning but misplaced talk about how important family is and how I need to repair the relationship before she dies, etc. I listen politely and tell myself that I'm glad that they've lived a life that's been good enough that they can't comprehend a situation where it's reasonable to not speak to a parent, but it also grates I've had to cut off contact to protect myself and help break the cycle of abuse yet I'm the one that is made out to be the bad guy for not talking to her parent.
Probably more than you wanted to know. But no, I don't talk to my mom. And as time goes by, I'm more and more at peace with that and think it was one of the smartest things I ever did not just for me but for my children as well.
One of the things I've learned from this board is to not comment when I find out that someone doesn't have a relationship with one or both parents. I may express surprise because I don't expect to hear that but I do try not to help/fix their situation.
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 9:40:34 GMT -5
If your kid is young enough to be in diapers, your kid is young enough that you should be attentive enough as a parent to not let them get into the street. Maybe if the parents caught a beating when this happens they'd watch over their kids a little better. It's not the kid who's misbehaving, it's the negligent parents. YOu have 2 kids less than 18 months apart. One's giving you the dandelions she picked from the grass. YOu look up and the younger one is in the street and less than 10 seconds ago he's picking dandelions too. How the fuck is that being negligent?! I'm not supposed to pay attention to the not quite 4 year old when the 2 year old is also picking dandelions?
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Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 19, 2014 9:44:48 GMT -5
I don't remember when or how old I was but I do remember my grandfather telling me a parent should never spank a child when they are angry. If a parent does it then, they are more likely to go to far IMO. I tried to live by that when I chose spankings as punishment but I can also admit (not proudly) that there were a few time I didn't wait. I can honestly say waiting made the punishment more effective because I could calmly talk to them about why they were getting a spanking and because I was calm, the swats were much lighter than they would have been if I'd been in a high temper. And by waiting, there were many times I chose not to spank them at all because I no longer felt the situation was serious enough for one. Those of us who use corporal punishment don't do it for every single thing. Like I said, its a tool. We try talking, timeouts, etc. but at times the only thing that gets the point across to a young child is a swat or two on the bottom. As far as a child running into the street, I'd have done the same thing. I talk to DGD about why she needs to hold my hand in parking lots, how dangerous cars are, etc. but that has yet to stop her from trying to take off as soon as I set her on the ground. She thinks its funny to make Gramma run after her - its a game. I correct her everytime and get this adorably mischevious smile in return. The other day I told her she had to hold my hand when I was getting her out of the car and got a very sarcastic sounding yes ma'am with that big smile (she's not even 3 yet). She is also at the age where she is figuring things out and will get into anything in the blink of an eye. Others make think its possible to watch a child 24/7 and keep them out of what may hurt them but having dealt with children since I was a child myself, I know that all it takes is a few seconds for them to get away from you. This is so so wise, unfortunately, I've yet to master it. And for the record, I don't think me yelling at them the way I do sometimes is any better than would be me spanking them. Hugs Lena. I hear you on the yelling.
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