raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 22:55:27 GMT -5
Thanks, Firebird. If there is nothing else I am proud of in my life, it is being a good mom. I have made many mistakes in my life. But I will tell any one that I have the best kids around. They both have really good heads on their shoulders. I am so proud of the young women they have turned out to be so far. I love my girls more than myself. I just have a problem with others telling me that I am in some way I am in some way doing an injustice to my girls by parenting them in a way that I see fit. You seem pretty comfortable telling other people that they are parenting wrong though. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 14, 2014 22:57:02 GMT -5
Not completely true... when we were kids, yes we acted up - BUT - we faced consequences and punishment if we got out of hand.
And we didn't DARE mis-behave in public - ever.
And we were taught manners very early, and respecting our elders and each other. Sure, as siblings we squabbled - but if we acted out in public - in the store, in church, visiting someone, there was hell to pay.
That's not happening today. Many parents treat their children like "little adults" and the kids aren't taught right from wrong - not in all cases, but in far too many.
One of my nieces as two kids (6 and 4) and they've been raised//taught how to behave - they're treasures to be around.
Another niece has 2 kids (9 and 6) and both those boys are holy terrors - because she lets them tear around and act like little hellions without any discipline - because "kids will be kids".
I can't stand to be near those two for more than a few minutes they're such beasts - and yes, I put the blame on her - because they haven't been taught better.
The only time they receive any supervision and discipline is when they spend any length of time with my brother (their grandfather). But once they're back home with my niece & her husband (who's not their father), they're back to being Tasmanian Devils and all his work is undone.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 14, 2014 22:59:50 GMT -5
My kids love and respect me, just like I do them. When I do something for my kids as little as making dinner, They say "Thank you mama". They know that I am the one person in their life that will do anything in my power to keep them safe. Their dad is a POS. Not because I have said so, but because he has proven himself time and again to not give a sh!t about them. They know that I will always love them and adore them and be their advocate. They know that there is always someone who's love for them has no limits. Me!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 14, 2014 23:02:18 GMT -5
Scottish Lassie- AGAIN- just because "kids today" don't get beaten into submission to the point where they're terrified to misbehave in public does NOT mean they don't face consequences for not behaving in public.
No, I don't haul off and smack Babybird on the butt when she throws dirt at a friend. Instead, we leave and her fun time is over. For a kid her age, that's probably the worst thing that could happen. So again, it seriously annoys me when people imply I don't discipline her just because I don't hit her.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 14, 2014 23:02:33 GMT -5
Thanks, Firebird. If there is nothing else I am proud of in my life, it is being a good mom. I have made many mistakes in my life. But I will tell any one that I have the best kids around. They both have really good heads on their shoulders. I am so proud of the young women they have turned out to be so far. I love my girls more than myself. I just have a problem with others telling me that I am in some way I am in some way doing an injustice to my girls by parenting them in a way that I see fit. You seem pretty comfortable telling other people that they are parenting wrong though. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't think so. I do believe that I said that whatever works for you is what works for you. Or did you miss that in what I posted?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 23:10:22 GMT -5
You seem pretty comfortable telling other people that they are parenting wrong though. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't think so. I do believe that I said that whatever works for you is what works for you. Or did you miss that in what I posted? I meant your comment re: the op that the parents obviously aren't doing their job if their kids are acting out. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 14, 2014 23:21:25 GMT -5
I don't think so. I do believe that I said that whatever works for you is what works for you. Or did you miss that in what I posted? I meant your comment re: the op that the parents obviously aren't doing their job if their kids are acting out. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards Then I stand behind my post. If your child acts like that, you aren't doing something right. Does your child act like that? Mine don't. So if the child has gotten to be 13 years of age and acts that way, they obviously haven't been parenting right. My kids would never even begin to think about treating me that way. Why? Because I raised them right. Call it what you will. Mine would never even begin to treat me like that.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 14, 2014 23:30:34 GMT -5
Where in my post did it say ANYTHING about "beaten into submission" - or even spanking for that matter? I said "Consequences & Punishments".
If you can show me anywhere in my post where I said "beaten into submission" , please point it out.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 14, 2014 23:35:31 GMT -5
Let's just clear something up right now. My babies would in no way even begin to think that they could talk to me in any kind of way. I am the alpha female. Call it what you will, in my house, I call it respect.
My kids do talk to me about almost everything. I am not ignorant enough to think I know everything. I do let them know that they can come to me with whatever they want to. I may not always agree, but I will ALWAYS listen. I will always tell them what I think without judgement.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 23:39:22 GMT -5
I meant your comment re: the op that the parents obviously aren't doing their job if their kids are acting out. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards Then I stand behind my post. If your child acts like that, you aren't doing something right. Does your child act like that? Mine don't. So if the child has gotten to be 13 years of age and acts that way, they obviously haven't been parenting right. My kids would never even begin to think about treating me that way. Why? Because I raised them right. Call it what you will. Mine would never even begin to treat me like that. Or you got lucky. Plenty of kids with bad parents behave in public, and plenty of bad parents take the credit when the kid turns out ok in spite of their parenting. The reverse is also true. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 14, 2014 23:52:34 GMT -5
I didn't say it was wrong or ineffective. I think most kids do require a little of that healthy fear you're talking about, at least when they're little. I just know it's not always necessary, because I was never afraid of my mom but I would have walked through fire for her and the few times I hurt her feelings usually had ME in tears. This is how I feel about my mother. I was never afraid of her. I love and respect her, and she was and is my friend as well- I could and did tell her what went on in my life, and expected and received guidance and not judgement. She took me to get BC pills, and if I had wanted to have sex before turning 18, she would have offered advice and not locked me in my room. She asked me to talk to her if I ever wanted to experiment with drugs or alcohol so she could be sure I was doing so as safely as possible. She might have been running a con on me that would have paid off if I ever came to her and said I was drinking/etc, but I never did and so will never know. She did not hit me or my brother, ever. She asked our opinions and took them into account. My father is more of the "Because I'm the dad" type, and while I love him, because of him, I have a deep dislike for people who have no better argument for their position on an issue than "I am the one with authority." I probably won't let him alone with my children until they can speak well, and I will not let him take that tone or attitude with them. He also never hit me, and would not hit my children, but I don't think telling children that they don't matter because they aren't adults is right, either. I hope I can have a relationship with my children like my mother had with me, but I am not as patient as she is, nor do I have as much self control. My children will also likely be different than me, and they might be the type to act up and actually get into trouble or dangerous situations, which will change the way I need to handle them. Maybe I will end up the authoritarian type of parent. I will not hit my children, though, because hitting people is wrong, unless you are actually defending yourself or others.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 14, 2014 23:53:18 GMT -5
I hardly think it's because I got "lucky". I think it's because I am a good mom. You can disagree with me all you want. But I think it's because my way of parenting works.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 23:58:21 GMT -5
I hardly think it's because I got "lucky". I think it's because I am a good mom. You can disagree with me all you want. But I think it's because my way of parenting works. My point is that you can be a good mom and still have troubled kids. It's called compassion and empathy for people in situations different than your own. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 15, 2014 0:03:47 GMT -5
Like I said, there is nothing that I am more proud of than being a good mom. I may not be anything else, but my kids know that if there is ever anyone else in this world that is on their side, it is me. They know that they can talk to me. They know that I will never judge them. So say what you will.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 15, 2014 0:10:47 GMT -5
Like I said, there is nothing that I am more proud of than being a good mom. I may not be anything else, but my kids know that if there is ever anyone else in this world that is on their side, it is me. They know that they can talk to me. They know that I will never judge them. So say what you will. I haven't questioned your parenting of your kids, just your judgment of people who parent differently. I think its great that you have a good relationship with your kids. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 15, 2014 0:18:22 GMT -5
I hardly think it's because I got "lucky". I think it's because I am a good mom. You can disagree with me all you want. But I think it's because my way of parenting works. My point is that you can be a good mom and still have troubled kids. It's called compassion and empathy for people in situations different than your own. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards No. What you said was that I got "lucky". Luck has nothing to do with it. It's what you put in from day 1. I have put nothing in but love and compassion and affection and understanding and devotion and caring in from day 1. Thank you very much. I can't even begin to think of my life without my girls in it. Just so you know. Even if they do have an attitude every now and then. So shame on you for even beginning to say that it was all because I am "lucky".
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 15, 2014 0:19:57 GMT -5
Good night all.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 15, 2014 0:26:07 GMT -5
My point is that you can be a good mom and still have troubled kids. It's called compassion and empathy for people in situations different than your own. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards No. What you said was that I got "lucky". Luck has nothing to do with it. It's what you put in from day 1. I have put nothing in but love and compassion and affection and understanding and devotion and caring in from day 1. Thank you very much. I can't even begin to think of my life without my girls in it. Just so you know. Even if they do have an attitude every now and then. So shame on you for even beginning to say that it was all because I am "lucky". Which again I said because you are so insistent that only bad parents have "bad" kids. That is what I was arguing. I'm sorry if I came across like I was calling you a bad mom. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Aug 15, 2014 0:38:54 GMT -5
As far as what I would do if they continued to spit on me after I slapped them in the face? I would call the police and have them removed from my home. You don't want to be respectful, you can get out. Teenager or not.
What's wrong with doing that instead of hitting them? I certainly don't recommend that as a "first response" but if you've literally tried everything else and now the kid is physically assaulting you, calling the police doesn't sound unreasonable to me. I favor "real life" consequences for kids as often as possible. As an adult, if you hit another person there's a chance you'll go to jail. (Yeah, you "could" also get hit in return but that's not a legal option available to the person you're assaulting - calling the cops certainly is.) Anyway, like I said, I can't see a teenager who "doesn't care about anything" suddenly coming to Jesus because of a face smack. That might hit the "reset" button with a toddler, but it seems unlikely to work with an iron-willed teenager, in which case you'd either have to kick it up a notch or move on to Plan B. I'd rather go straight to Plan B, personally. I had a tough teenager that didn't care about consequences because they were after the fact; after she'd already done what she wanted to do. She calmly told me that and her actions during that time were proving it was true. She wasn't cursing me or assaulting me, but she was the devil for a short period of time. After I'd tried all the normal suggestions and run out of ideas, I finally did something that gave her a sudden come to Jesus moment. It wasn't me hitting her, I made her run in place while I tried to calm down after her last incident. I was at my wit's end, upset and extremely frustrated. Her howling and crying and me yelling " I SAID RUN", would've made you think I was beating her if you'd heard it. I knew she was lazy, but I didn't expect all that commotion. After that day, she went back to acting like a normal teenager, whatever that is. She's never put it in those exact words, but to this day she'll say that making her run hit her "reset" button and she stopped acting so crazy because she hated that one thing just that much. Finding something that means something to a particular kid can be so hard. Maybe impossible in some cases. I got lucky with a random thought that was just meant to keep her busy and out of my way until I calmed down. Thank God, because I didn't even have a plan A anymore, let alone a plan B.ho Oh I might try this! It sounds like my daughter is a lot like your daughter was.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Aug 15, 2014 0:44:04 GMT -5
I am curious, what do others consider spanking? To me that word means over the knee with several hard smacks to the butt. The word almost conjures more of an abusive image for me than a fair punishment. I honestly wouldn't call the 1 smack or the one time DD got 2 smacks on her butt as spanking, but I could see others might.
This is obviously semantics, but there is definitely a scale of the extremeness of the punishments. I feel I am such on the low end of physical punishment that it doesn't fit the term, IMO. I just would like to clarify the meaning of the term for people to get a better idea of what people mean when they says they do or don't spank.
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Aug 15, 2014 0:50:46 GMT -5
I think there is something very demeaning in slapping someone's face. But so is spitting in someone's face. I don't know if I would slap my kid if he ever did that (I am not talking toddler years, although that has never happened), but I am pretty sure that my husband, who is VERY anti-spanking and anti-hitting, would beat the crap out of him. Bc as much as he is anti-hitting the kids, he is THAT much more pro respecting one's parents. My oldest son got in my face once when he was younger. He was bigger than me and thought his size would intimidate me. I think he was around 13? Anyway, my husband heard the fight and when he saw that my son was up in my face, oh holy hell broke loose. He grabbed BW and put him up against the wall. He told him that if he thought he was man enough to get in my face and disrespect me, then he better be man enough to deal with him. My son has never got in my face like that again. He KNOWS my husband (his dad) would whoop his ass.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Aug 15, 2014 0:58:41 GMT -5
I am curious, what do others consider spanking? To me that word means over the knee with several hard smacks to the butt. The word almost conjures more of an abusive image for me than a fair punishment. I honestly wouldn't call the 1 smack or the one time DD got 2 smacks on her butt as spanking, but I could see others might. This is obviously semantics, but there is definitely a scale of the extremeness of the punishments. I feel I am such on the low end of physical punishment that it doesn't fit the term, IMO. I just would like to clarify the meaning of the term for people to get a better idea of what people mean when they says they do or don't spank. When I think of spanking, I think of a hard smack on the butt, usually with the person standing up. Not hard enough to break the skin, cut, or cause any bruising. Usually enough to sting for a few seconds to get the person's attention. Nothing serious/hard enough to make them unable to sit later or have pain while walking. When we were spanked as kids (both with open hand, wooden spoon, or belt), the sound was usually worse than the actual hit. It would sting for a few seconds but that was the end of it, with no lasting damage. ETA: I also think of spanking as with the child's clothes on. I wouldn't ever make my child remove their clothes for a spanking. 1. it seems really demeaning to me and 2. the clothes will help to provide some barrier from the spank.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Aug 15, 2014 1:32:23 GMT -5
We were bad children and fought with each other and sometimes we got spanked. Spankings weren't as bad as what we did to each other and most were after warnings. I would have spanked if I had children because it was what I knew.
When I was adult I worked in a mental hospital where incorrigible children lived and watched the staff with them. The staff never lost their temper or yelled or hit but found a way to punish each child. The took away privileges until they found the one that hurt. The kids lived in a mental hospital so didn't have much to take but allowance or tv but they didn't want to lose that. I decided children never needed spanked it is easy and quick but not needed.
A parent is required by law to provide a child with food, clothing, shelter, medical care and not much else. No law saying the child needs to like the food or clothing, you could feed them nothing they liked for weeks, no pizza or mac and cheese just meat and potatoes and veggies and the law will let you. They need clothing but it doesn't have to be their style or color or variety so thrift shop clothing a size too big and everything in green that clashed. No music or tv or sports. A week or two would make a child unhappy and sorry they ever decided to test me. I wouldn't go for the whole thing at once just remove iPad for an hour to start. My niece counts to three and if daughter doesn't respond she loses her iPad and goes to bed, she has never had to get to three since the girl knows what happens next. I wouldn't be against a pat on the butt for a child who ran into traffic or something it is quick and easy but really not needed, a teacher or other professional wouldn't hit a child. Some adults lose control when they start and might not stop, mom says she was afraid when dad spanked us.
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Aug 15, 2014 1:42:41 GMT -5
I have spanked my oldest son a handful of times in his life. He is 18 now. He is a good kid. I don't think it is because I spanked him. I think it is because he knows I love him and that I am always here for him. He absolutely loves his momma and we have a good relationship.
My 2nd son has been spanked exactly once by me and never by my husband. He is the easiest kid on the planet. He is just mellow and does what he is told.
My daughter has been spanked probably a bit more. When I say spanked, I don't mean a beating. She got open handed swats on her bottom. Never a bare bottom. We weren't sure how to discipline her when she was younger. Her counselor was actually the one that told us to spank her. It didn't work. Spanking actually seemed to make her more defiant. She hasn't been spanked in years by the way. Now she loses her electronics and isn't allowed to hang out with friends. She will give me the silent treatment for a few days, but then she usually realizes that it isn't going to work and she starts behaving. She is actually a lot like I was at her age. We bump heads a lot. It is usually best that I send her dad in to deal with her. She never screams mean things at him.
I don't know the answers. I am doing the best I can as a parent. My kids always know I am here to talk and that they can tell me anything. My DSD and my oldest son are probably the 2 that tell me the most about what is going on. DD talks to me a lot when she needs advice or help understanding something. Our relationship isn't all bad and difficult. DS2 doesn't have much going on in his life other than video games and baseball.
I DO know that my kids are way better behaved than I was at their age. I get a lot of compliments about the way my kids behave in public (minus the Germany trip). My kids are not in trouble in school. Their teachers all say that they are good kids.
I absolutely despised the way my mom "disciplined" me. She was a lot like Milee's mom. It didn't make me respect her. It made me think she was crazy and out of control.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 6:39:26 GMT -5
I think there is something very demeaning in slapping someone's face. But so is spitting in someone's face. I don't know if I would slap my kid if he ever did that (I am not talking toddler years, although that has never happened), but I am pretty sure that my husband, who is VERY anti-spanking and anti-hitting, would beat the crap out of him. Bc as much as he is anti-hitting the kids, he is THAT much more pro respecting one's parents. My oldest son got in my face once when he was younger. He was bigger than me and thought his size would intimidate me. I think he was around 13? Anyway, my husband heard the fight and when he saw that my son was up in my face, oh holy hell broke loose. He grabbed BW and put him up against the wall. He told him that if he thought he was man enough to get in my face and disrespect me, then he better be man enough to deal with him. My son has never got in my face like that again. He KNOWS my husband (his dad) would whoop his ass. I started to post a similar story about my son earlier. One time after he got bigger than me and got a little bass in his voice, he tried to get all puffed up with me. He was very angry and his body language and his tone of voice were all wrong. I knew I had to shut that down immediately. I was sitting down and he was towering over me. When I stood up, we were almost nose to nose, well actually my nose was somewhere around his neck. I told him in a low voice that if he couldn't control his body language and his tone of voice, he'd better get out of my face because that wasn't something he really wanted to do with me. If he needed a minute, he could go to his room and get himself together and then come back to see me. He spun around and went to his room and came back when he could act like he had some sense. That never happened again. There were a few times I was so upset with my kids that I needed to take a minute before I could deal with them because I didn't want to say or do something out of anger that I would regret later. Kids aren't robots, they get upset and angry too. I preferred for everybody to have the option to take a minute and get it together if they needed to instead of losing control of our words and actions because we're so angry. To me, that was something they needed to learn anyway, not just in terms of dealing with me, but just in general. You can't go around acting a fool with people just because they said something you didn't like. Eventually you're either going to cause irreperable damage to a relationship you value, or you're going to run into somebody that's bigger or tougher than you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 15, 2014 7:03:34 GMT -5
I hardly think it's because I got "lucky". I think it's because I am a good mom. You can disagree with me all you want. But I think it's because my way of parenting works. So far it only worked for two children. It might you your way of parenting or it might be just bc of the way your children are
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 15, 2014 7:06:39 GMT -5
I hardly think it's because I got "lucky". I think it's because I am a good mom. You can disagree with me all you want. But I think it's because my way of parenting works. So far it only worked for two children. It might you your way of parenting or it might be just bc of the way your children are But can't the same be said of the anti-spankers on here? The fact that their techniques work on THEIR children could either be due to their parenting or it might just be because of the way their children are...
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 15, 2014 7:09:08 GMT -5
I think there is something very demeaning in slapping someone's face. But so is spitting in someone's face. I don't know if I would slap my kid if he ever did that (I am not talking toddler years, although that has never happened), but I am pretty sure that my husband, who is VERY anti-spanking and anti-hitting, would beat the crap out of him. Bc as much as he is anti-hitting the kids, he is THAT much more pro respecting one's parents. My oldest son got in my face once when he was younger. He was bigger than me and thought his size would intimidate me. I think he was around 13? Anyway, my husband heard the fight and when he saw that my son was up in my face, oh holy hell broke loose. He grabbed BW and put him up against the wall. He told him that if he thought he was man enough to get in my face and disrespect me, then he better be man enough to deal with him. My son has never got in my face like that again. He KNOWS my husband (his dad) would whoop his ass.This actually bothers me...so he doesn't get in your face, but it has nothing to do with respecting YOU. It is only because he knows his father would rip him apart? I have never been a proponent of pushing my parenting off on my husband. My kid would know not to get into my face because I would whoop her ass....
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 15, 2014 7:11:49 GMT -5
So far it only worked for two children. It might you your way of parenting or it might be just bc of the way your children are But can't the same be said of the anti-spankers on here? The fact that their techniques work on THEIR children could either be due to their parenting or it might just be because of the way their children are...
Oh, abso-freaking-lutely. But I get very skeptical when people say that their kids are great bc of their parenting ways.
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Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 15, 2014 7:13:02 GMT -5
But can't the same be said of the anti-spankers on here? The fact that their techniques work on THEIR children could either be due to their parenting or it might just be because of the way their children are...
Oh, abso-freaking-lutely. But I get very skeptical when people say that their kids are great bc of their parenting ways. Thank God...so the fact that my kid is one step away from juvie is totally not my fault...right?? right??
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