yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 8, 2014 11:16:30 GMT -5
That is very sad. I hate to hear about long time friendships ending over things such as that. I have a friend who completely dumped everyone in her life who didn't have children after she had a kid. She and her husband only associate with other people who have kids. It was very sad for me when this happened but it appears I was not the only one (which did make me feel a little better). I still miss my friend though I had the opposite happen to me. Apparently declining a few outings because I was sleeping 1 hour/day for 6 months meant that I did not value our friendship. I tried to patch it up, and it really was just a patch because the same thing happened again after my 2nd kid. I decided I couldn't handle that much drama so just dropped it. I'm sad but at the same time, she made absolutely no effort either time, so ... what to do? At least I tried the first time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 11:17:32 GMT -5
Do you feel sorry for people that don't have kids? Do you think they are missing out on something? If it was their choice why would I? Now I know someone who wanted to and can't because they were screwed ovet by our wonderful administration. Them I feel bad for. I have to ask what this means....has the government now decided to select who can and can't have children?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 11:18:52 GMT -5
I don't feel sorry for people that are either child free or child less. We don't get everything we want in life. That's how it goes. Grown ups accept that and make alternative plans and enjoy what they do have. I don't feel sorry for anyone that stays focused on what they can't have. Can you really say that about a mother that had to bury her child or children?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 8, 2014 11:20:14 GMT -5
If it was their choice why would I? Now I know someone who wanted to and can't because they were screwed ovet by our wonderful administration. Them I feel bad for. I have to ask what this means....has the government now decided to select who can and can't have children? I really wanted to ask too, but thought I would be opening a can of worms. But, now that you have asked....yes, please explain how the administration has kept someone from procreating
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 8, 2014 11:21:06 GMT -5
"That is very sad. I hate to hear about long time friendships ending over things such as that. I have a friend who completely dumped everyone in her life who didn't have children after she had a kid. She and her husband only associate with other people who have kids. It was very sad for me when this happened but it appears I was not the only one (which did make me feel a little better). I still miss my friend though;"
Did she you or just get overly preoccupied with parenting? Sometimes that happens. There just aren't enough hours in the day. And, I have had friends in college where we all went our separate ways in life, but the last few years we have all reconnected and it as if we didn't miss a beat. I think good friendships can fall away for a period of time and be just fine if you keep the door open.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 11:21:40 GMT -5
I have to ask what this means....has the government now decided to select who can and can't have children? I really wanted to ask too, but thought I would be opening a can of worms. But, now that you have asked....yes, please explain how the administration has kept someone from procreating I am guessing change in medical coverage, what they will or will not cover.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Jul 8, 2014 11:22:15 GMT -5
I knew at a very young age that I never wanted kids. My only regret is that all of the men I loved eventually decided they wanted kids. Somehow their biological clocks started ticking & it became a deal breaker.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 8, 2014 11:22:27 GMT -5
I don't feel sorry for people that are either child free or child less. We don't get everything we want in life. That's how it goes. Grown ups accept that and make alternative plans and enjoy what they do have. I don't feel sorry for anyone that stays focused on what they can't have. Can you really say that about a mother that had to bury her child or children? I had to bury my first child, cawiau. While his death was terribly painful for us, dwelling on it over the years would have been destructive. One must move on. It doesn't mean you forget the child, or the pain, but that you go on living your life without dwelling on the past. The past cannot be changed.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 8, 2014 11:24:04 GMT -5
There is far too much TMI in the world. Do what you want and you don't have to justify it or explain it to anyone who isn't paying your bills for you! Unfortunately, you do have to justify it....or many think you do. If you happen to be outside the societal norms of having kids, from the time you are 30 to about 38, you get probed in social situations by those who have kids that think others o likewise. Some of these conversations you can shut down. But there are a lot of clods in the world who want to know the status of your uterus....and don't stop. For those people, you have to be downright rude. And sometimes, being rude isn't an option.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 8, 2014 11:24:07 GMT -5
I really wanted to ask too, but thought I would be opening a can of worms. But, now that you have asked....yes, please explain how the administration has kept someone from procreating I am guessing change in medical coverage, what they will or will not cover. I am pretty sure pregnancy & childbirth have to be covered now. And if you are going to let a couple K deductable keep you from having kids, then you probably didn't want them that bad and maybe couldn't afford them anyway. It isn't like kids are cheaper after they are born.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 8, 2014 11:24:51 GMT -5
Can you really say that about a mother that had to bury her child or children? I had to bury my first child, cawiau. While his death was terribly painful for us, dwelling on it over the years would have been destructive. One must move on. It doesn't mean you forget the child, or the pain, but that you go on living your life without dwelling on the past. The past cannot be changed.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 8, 2014 11:26:05 GMT -5
I am so sorry mmhmm. I lost my brother when he was 19 but my parents lost their son. And, the grief is always there. You go on and but you dont' "get over it". I personally find it offensive for someone to say "you should have gotten over it by now". In reality, they learned to live with the pang of pain but they also ALLOWED themselves to still have joy in happiness in their other children, lives and grandchildren. And, I think that is what moving on really means.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 8, 2014 11:27:35 GMT -5
To answer the original question, I do not feel bad for child-free people if they are that way by choice. I think it's great that some people know with 100% certainty it's not for them. I don't think it's selfish, I think they'rve very self-aware.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 8, 2014 11:28:15 GMT -5
If it was their choice why would I? Now I know someone who wanted to and can't because they were screwed ovet by our wonderful administration. Them I feel bad for. I have to ask what this means....has the government now decided to select who can and can't have children? The only explanation I can think of for his friend ìs she wanted to adopt and she only wanted to adopt Malia and Sasha Obama. Well of course the administration said no.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2014 11:28:17 GMT -5
But there are a lot of clods in the world who want to know the status of your uterus....and don't stop
They're probably the same clods that asked us when we were going to have a second kid. They're also probably the same clods who are now asking us if we are going to have a third kid so we can try for a boy. WTF?
You can't win no matter what you do. I've found that pregnancy/children are one of those topics where people think it's perfectly acceptable to say the stupidest and rudest shit I've ever heard and I'm not supposed to punch them in the face for it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 11:28:38 GMT -5
Can you really say that about a mother that had to bury her child or children? I had to bury my first child, cawiau. While his death was terribly painful for us, dwelling on it over the years would have been destructive. One must move on. It doesn't mean you forget the child, or the pain, but that you go on living your life without dwelling on the past. The past cannot be changed. But you had other kids... It doesn't make the loss of your first child less just makes it more tolerable. I have in mind a mother that had to bury not one but both of her kids. She literally went crazy afterwards and I can understand how it happens. I can see that happening to my mom if all 3 of us were to die in a car accident and which is why she is always worried and want us to keep calling her. When we hit the road and she prays by the car one thing she always say is: God everything I have is in that car, my hopes, my dreams, my solace. Protect it and guide it so they make it to their destination. We are all 3 my mom whole world, it begins and ends with us and I can see how losing all 3 of us she would lose the will to live and move on. She would basically have no purpose. Since she was 21 everything my mom has done was to better her children lives, and she has gone without so we can have something. Anyway, just saying I would understand...
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 8, 2014 11:29:27 GMT -5
We seem to like to divide into groups. SAHMS vs WAHMs. Repos vs Dems. Atheists vs Christians, etc, etc.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 8, 2014 11:34:28 GMT -5
I had to bury my first child, cawiau. While his death was terribly painful for us, dwelling on it over the years would have been destructive. One must move on. It doesn't mean you forget the child, or the pain, but that you go on living your life without dwelling on the past. The past cannot be changed. But you had other kids... It doesn't make the loss of your first child less just makes it more tolerable. I have in mind a mother that had to bury not one but both of her kids. She literally went crazy afterwards and I can understand how it happens. I can see that happening to my mom if all 3 of us were to die in a car accident and which is why she is always worried and want us to keep calling her. When we hit the road and she prays by the car one thing she always say is: God everything I have is in that car, my hopes, my dreams, my solace. Protect it and guide it so they make it to their destination. We are all 3 my mom whole world, it begins and ends with us and I can see how losing all 3 of us she would lose the will to live and move on. She would basically have no purpose. Since she was 21 everything my mom has done was to better her children lives, and she has gone without so we can have something. Anyway, just saying I would understand... No. At the time he passed away, I didn't have other children and wasn't sure I could. Fortunately, I did have that ability and have two wonderful, grown children. Yes, some people do lose it over the death of a child. I wasn't quite right for awhile after it happened to me. However, what you describe is evidence against allowing anything, even the wonder of children, be your "whole world". If your world is that narrow, what have you to give to those children? We go on so we can learn, and grow, and give something back to the world around us while keeping alive the memory of those we've loved who are now gone. At least, that's how I see it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2014 11:36:17 GMT -5
I don't feel sorry for people that are either child free or child less. We don't get everything we want in life. That's how it goes. Grown ups accept that and make alternative plans and enjoy what they do have. I don't feel sorry for anyone that stays focused on what they can't have. Can you really say that about a mother that had to bury her child or children? I have sympathy for anyone that has to bury one of their children, including my parents when they buried my brother. But imo it would be completely disrespectful to his memory for them to have spent the rest of their lives mourning him. We remember him with great love but we have carried on and had good lives since then. People that tell me stories of the tragedy that happened 20 years ago and expect the same sympathy as if it happened yesterday drive me crazy.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 8, 2014 11:37:30 GMT -5
Can't win at this one. We get just as many rude comments about wanting 4-6 kids as my cousin does about being child-free by choice. Like Drama said, for some reason people feel the need to comment on your family choices for some reason. What really makes me mad is when people comment on these things in front of the kids, especially rude comments to large families. One of our friends at church has 7 kids and gets asked all the time if she knows what causes "that" - as if her children are undesireable just because there are several of them. She's just started replying that they do, and obviously they are very good at it But the kids pick up on it and it does hurt their feelings that people are so rude.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 8, 2014 11:52:00 GMT -5
Maybe child free people get rude comments. But as Sam said, people with kids get just as many rude comments as well.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2014 11:53:18 GMT -5
P Can't win at this one. We get just as many rude comments about wanting 4-6 kids as my cousin does about being child-free by choice. Like Drama said, for some reason people feel the need to comment on your family choices for some reason. What really makes me mad is when people comment on these things in front of the kids, especially rude comments to large families. One of our friends at church has 7 kids and gets asked all the time if she knows what causes "that" - as if her children are undesireable just because there are several of them. She's just started replying that they do, and obviously they are very good at it But the kids pick up on it and it does hurt their feelings that people are so rude. People have the need to comment ON EVERYTHING. That's why I very rarely pay attention to what people say. That's why 99% of the people think I am a rude bitch when they first meet me
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 8, 2014 12:04:38 GMT -5
Maybe child free people get rude comments. But as Sam said, people with kids get just as many rude comments as well. There is no maybe about it. If you say you don't have kids and try to leave it at that, you get asked why not. If you try to change the subject, then inevitably it rolls back to why you don't have kids. If you explain that you don't want kids, then you are expected to justify why you don't.....and then you hear all the things about "aren't you lonely?", "isn't your house quiet?", "you will regret it when you are older", "what happens if you want them and your eggs have expired?, ad nauseum. And yes, there are people that rude. The only way you can get away from it is to be rude back. And like I explained earlier, there are some times where you can't be rude (like to your chair's wife). There is a far cry from no kids to 7 kids and I suspect that if you have the standard 2.3 kids (or whatever the average is), the comments don't happen, or aren't as insistent.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2014 12:13:33 GMT -5
I suspect that if you have the standard 2.3 kids (or whatever the average is), the comments don't happen, or aren't as insistent.
I can't count the number of comments about all the psychological damage I would do to Gwen if we didn't have a second. Then on top of that people wanted to dictate WHEN I had a second because everyone has their opinion on what the perfect age gap is. My SIL asked me the day after I came home from birthing Gwen if I was going to start trying for a second!
This time around we get disappointed looks when we say it's a girl and people "jokingly" ask us if we plan to try again so we can have a boy. Well you can't exactly control what gender you get and I have no desire to be Mrs Duggar so the answer to that is a no.
Then there are constant comments about my pregnancy. What people think I should be eating, what I should be drinking, how much weight I should be gaining, the size my belly, what I should do when I give birth, how breastfeeding should work for me etc etc.
Then once the kid arrives you'll receive comments about your parenting skills till the end of time.
I can't punch my MIL in the face when she tells me I am "getting fat" and need to stop eating so much while pregnant. Uh. . .I've only gained 15 pounds so far that's not "fat" that's actually perfect according to the charts. But doesn't stop her from commenting about every speck of food I bring to my lips when she's around.
She also thinks she's an expert in breastfeeding despite never having done it and LIVES for the comments she can make about our parenting (she does this to DH's siblings too). I won't get away from the stream of comments till she's dead.
That's not counting all the random people who think they should have a vote too. My favorite thing to do when people got on the sibling rant was to share whatever the latest drama my brother created. Yeah having a sibling is freaking awesome. That usually shut them up.
I'm not dismissing that childless people get rude comments. I'm just saying people who have kids get them too, it's just the comments change form as time goes by. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and for some reason people think we want to know about it.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jul 8, 2014 12:20:54 GMT -5
But you had other kids... It doesn't make the loss of your first child less just makes it more tolerable. I have in mind a mother that had to bury not one but both of her kids. She literally went crazy afterwards and I can understand how it happens. I can see that happening to my mom if all 3 of us were to die in a car accident and which is why she is always worried and want us to keep calling her. When we hit the road and she prays by the car one thing she always say is: God everything I have is in that car, my hopes, my dreams, my solace. Protect it and guide it so they make it to their destination. We are all 3 my mom whole world, it begins and ends with us and I can see how losing all 3 of us she would lose the will to live and move on. She would basically have no purpose. Since she was 21 everything my mom has done was to better her children lives, and she has gone without so we can have something. Anyway, just saying I would understand... No. At the time he passed away, I didn't have other children and wasn't sure I could. Fortunately, I did have that ability and have two wonderful, grown children. Yes, some people do lose it over the death of a child. I wasn't quite right for awhile after it happened to me. However, what you describe is evidence against allowing anything, even the wonder of children, be your "whole world". If your world is that narrow, what have you to give to those children? We go on so we can learn, and grow, and give something back to the world around us while keeping alive the memory of those we've loved who are now gone. At least, that's how I see it. ICAM with you. The family friend I mentioned in a previous post (who's son died when he was 10), never had any other children. So the comments and the slights hurt her because she would trade almost anything to have her son alive and well. However, she decided not to stop living. She was divorced at the time of her son's death, and she has remarried a great man, and has three lovely step-children, and is off busy traveling the world. If she had made her child her entire reason for existing then I don't think she would have ever been able to move forward. I don't think you ever get over the death of a child, but I do think that you can learn to live with it and move forward.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 8, 2014 12:34:53 GMT -5
Yes, it can be annoying when people give you their opinion when you didn't ask. But I also think that when opinions are asked for (ahem, this thread), you shouldn't go out of your way to be offended by them if they differ from your own. (This isn't referring to any recent remarks, but what happened at the beginning of the thread.)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 8, 2014 12:42:10 GMT -5
Yes, it can be annoying when people give you their opinion when you didn't ask. But I also think that when opinions are asked for (ahem, this thread), you shouldn't go out of your way to be offended by them if they differ from your own. (This isn't referring to any recent remarks, but what happened at the beginning of the thread.) Exactly. People were up in arms over opinions when the entire basis of this thread was people's opinions!
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quince
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Post by quince on Jul 8, 2014 13:05:18 GMT -5
I have a child and have never gotten rude comments. I did get them before...my favorite is that I shouldn't be considered an adult until I had kids... And this from someone whose mother paid for her daycare and got her a job.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 8, 2014 13:14:24 GMT -5
I have a child and have never gotten rude comments. I did get them before...my favorite is that I shouldn't be considered an adult until I had kids... And this from someone whose mother paid for her daycare and got her a job. Sweet! Eff this job and bill paying ish, im going home to play video games!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 8, 2014 13:26:36 GMT -5
Wait...when the kids move out do ~you~ get to be a kid again ? I think you still have to pay the bills though.....
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