Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 6, 2014 20:27:48 GMT -5
Life is full of choices. If you want children, great. If you do not want children, that is great too. If you are unable to have children but wish to, I only hope the best for you.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 6, 2014 20:33:35 GMT -5
I knew I was going to be a mother. Always. I also knew that I need to have other kids in my life. From like when I was 10. I actually do believe that it's my "calling."
I have friends that are remaining childless. They never pictured themselves with kids, ever.
I'm also betting that my BIL will also not have any kids. He's worked so hard on his career.
I think my MIL is very lucky. She has two sons..one is the career focused smarty pants son. (BIL is a PhD and getting awards (and tenure) for his teaching/work a quite a quick rate). The other is family centric that gave them grandchildren.
I don't feel sorry for childless folks. Some days, I even envy them. I even go as so far as to ask if they want to be around my kids when we get together. I don't assume they want to be around kids, KWIM...
It's the season of my life, now, where my kids come first. I won't lie. DH and I are definitely looking forward to the next season of our life during which our kids will not take center stage.
I also don't think all babies are a blessing. I used to think that I was some sort of whack job for cringing whenever anyone says that. Then, one of my clients mom's said to me one day. "Huh, today is June xx. That's the date I found out I was pregnant with my first. That was not a good day." I felt much better after hearing that.
ETA: I really never romanticized having kids. And, while I do think my kids are great, they have all had their moments. I've also worked with other kids that have had their moments as well.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 6, 2014 21:00:02 GMT -5
Why do u assume people with kids care if you have kids? We don't. You'd be surprised how many do - we were called "Selfish", told that it was probably better we didn't have any since we were so "self-centered", and other hurtful things.
Imagine how much more hurtful those things said to us would have been (mostly by casual acquaintances) if we were UNABLE to have kids.
I don't say rude or cruel things to people with kids (like I said, we/I have many family members/friends with kids) , and I'd expect them (or anyone else) to show the same respect for couples who are childless.
And you yourself said that NOT having kids is a lonely, depressing and empty existence.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 6, 2014 21:01:49 GMT -5
I never saw myself with children and I've never had any. I do not feel that I am missing anything in my life. Do not feel sorry for me as I do not feel sorry for myself.
I do have great empathy for people who want to have children and can not have their own. There are other routes, but some of those are expensive and not all people have the money to adopt or go the IVF route.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 21:03:40 GMT -5
And someone said they " feel sorry" for me so that is different how? The judgments fly both ways. Um yeah
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 6, 2014 21:06:57 GMT -5
I do have great empathy for people who want to have children and can not have their own. There are other routes, but some of those are expensive and not all people have the money to adopt or go the IVF route. And some people still can't have kids even after IVF, adoption, etc. route. One of my coworkers did try IVF and the other type (can't think of the initials at the moment), and didn't get pregnant. They've tried adoption twice that I know of and both fell through. The first one was a Russian adoption and it fell through when Russia wouldn't adopt to US families anymore (had a child picked out too). In the 2nd one, the birth mother changed her mind after she had the child. The latest happened in November/December so I'm not sure what they are planning now, if anything. I do know my coworker would a child to call her own.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 21:07:09 GMT -5
And someone said they " feel sorry" for me so that is different how? The judgments fly both ways. Um yeah I am sorry but on this thread you are the one that started with the judgement and might I say the only one that put down the other parties choice. Being childless might not be for you but there is no need to look down on those that chose not to have any kids. The other person said they felt sorry for you not having an identity outside of your family not sorry for your choice of having kids. Big difference...
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 6, 2014 21:08:08 GMT -5
And someone said they " feel sorry" for me so that is different how? The judgments fly both ways. Um yeah I am sorry but on this thread you are the one that started with the judgement and might I say the only one that put down the other parties choice. Being childless might not be for you but there is no need to look down on those that chose not to have any kids. Sooooooooooooooo
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 6, 2014 21:09:14 GMT -5
Are you kidding? Days like today I envy them! My DD is entering the telling-me-No-not-listening-to-me-until-the-3rd-time-and-if-that stage.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 21:13:01 GMT -5
I gave my opinion. If u don't like it, tough taters.
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simser
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Post by simser on Jul 6, 2014 21:20:49 GMT -5
I just got dumped in part because the other woman was a "great mom". Gee thanks ding bat. Struggling for 5 years to have a kid wasn't hard enough, now I'm not a good enough person because of it? I'm a bit bitter now.
So I feel like it's a condescending attitude... And I know that it's rampant in our culture. But then again I don't have kids.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 6, 2014 21:21:24 GMT -5
I gave my opinion. If u don't like it, tough taters. Not "tough taters" - you said from the beginning that childless couples are lonely/depressed/don't know what they're missing - (pre-judging much?).
I don't care one way or the other if you (or anyone else) has kids or not - but you say that a childless existence is unfathomable (and it's not normal for your biological clock not to kick in) - maybe for you, but not for everyone.
Like I said, I've had children very active in my life for the last few decades whom I love to pieces - I just didn't give birth to them.
But according to you, since I'm not a "real" Mom, my life is empty.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 6, 2014 21:23:31 GMT -5
I don't regret having had my children, but I don't think I'd have been devastated by not having children. I'm pretty adaptable. My son and his wife have three children (all grown now) and my daughter and her husband have none (she's unable to have them and didn't choose to adopt). Each made the choice that was right for them and all are happy with their choices and living their lives as they wish to live them. I really don't see anything for me to judge, frankly. It's not my life.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 6, 2014 21:25:07 GMT -5
We are child free by choice. I have no idea if I could bear children and I thank God every day that I never had an "oops" because I could not put my child up for adoption nor could I have an abortion. I'm pro choice but I personally don't think I could do it. Not one single day in my life have I regretted my decision. We just got back from going out with friends to dinner (laughed our asses off the entire time) and then went to one friend's house to dance and talk and party some more. Those that work have to get up early so we got done early so we started early. We love the spontaneity of our life and always have. Their kids are either grown or are late teens and they feel so free now! We had such a great time and even discussed our future together when we all retire. But I do feel bad for those that are childless. Some have that calling that is in their soul and I respect that. Those that can't conceive break my heart and I always pray/hope that they feel comfortable adopting to fulfill that need/calling. IF I had had an unwanted pregnancy those people would be a blessing if I was able to put my child up for adoption. I don't think I could - but if I was a teenager and had something like that occur I'd be so thankful for those that want to adopt and give an unwanted child a chance to be loved and have a good life. I thank God I never had to make that kind of decision but if I got pregnant I would feel I was meant to be a mother and would have been one. Having the decision be mine 100% I am very thankful I had choices and made the correct one for me. Many people in my life felt I should be and would be a great mother. I was a step mom and felt I did a pretty good job considering my age at the time but that fulfilled any biological urges I had in that part of life. Many blessings to moms of the world. It's the hardest and most under-rated job in the world and I have so much respect for those of you that do it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 21:27:07 GMT -5
I gave my opinion. If u don't like it, tough taters. Isn't that always your fallback. Whenever you are called out for being an insensitive **** you say it is your opinion and if we can't deal with it so be it. Hey; at least we know what to expect from you
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jul 6, 2014 21:28:04 GMT -5
Why do u assume people with kids care if you have kids? We don't. You'd be surprised how many do - we were called "Selfish", told that it was probably better we didn't have any since we were so "self-centered", and other hurtful things.
Imagine how much more hurtful those things said to us would have been (mostly by casual acquaintances) if we were UNABLE to have kids.
I don't say rude or cruel things to people with kids (like I said, we/I have many family members/friends with kids) , and I'd expect them (or anyone else) to show the same respect for couples who are childless.
And you yourself said that NOT having kids is a lonely, depressing and empty existence.
I would love to have children, but I have unexplained infertility, and so comments about being selfish hurt. And I feel pretty lucky. We have a family friend who's only child died when he was 10 (about 20 years ago). She gets comments from people who don't know her background how lucky she is not to have kids so she can travel all over the world. I know those comments are like a knife in the heart to her. I don't think that anyone should judge others for decisions as personal as having or not having children, because you never know the reasons. Some people don't want them, some people can't have them, and some people had them and lost them.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 21:32:18 GMT -5
The judgment goes both ways. Stop pretending that it doesn't.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 21:35:58 GMT -5
The judgment goes both ways. Stop pretending that it doesn't. Now she moves on to being the victim and it wasn't just her; she was just being defensive Scary how well I know your playbook Have you thought about trying a new play?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 21:37:17 GMT -5
No. When your playbook changes then maybe mine will. But I'm good. Thanks for asking.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jul 6, 2014 21:44:41 GMT -5
Yes I find the homes of my childless friends very quiet and depressing. <snort> Then be sure and stay the heck out of my home. It's peaceful and cheerful, as far as I'm concerned. If you are finding the lifestyle choices of other people to be "depressing," perhaps some counseling or therapy might be helpful to you?
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jul 6, 2014 21:44:56 GMT -5
As someone who didn't have children while other people were having children, and someone who currently has children now. I prefer my past life way better.
I think that I could've have been happy eventually either way though. Right now, because the children are so young, it's hell making things work, but things get done.
I always knew that I didn't have kind of patience and energy that children require, but I knew that I would want children at one point in my life in one form or another (e.g. adoption). And so I did the pros and cons, I realized that it was better to have kids because I knew that I would eventually want them, and having them naturally was the cheapest and most hassle-free way.
I hate it when people say that people who don't have children are selfish. I hear it all the time, and it makes my blood boil!! It's people who have children who are selfish. I had children full well knowing that I wasn't the "motherly' type, and being a mother is an everyday challenge for me. I had them on the premise that I will eventually want "children" in my life and it would just be easier if I had them when I can best conceive them. How selfish is that?!
There is some magical thinking out there that want other people to believe that bearing children somehow makes you endowed with self-sacrificing love and teaches you the meaning of life, love and blah...
If having children made you a better person, the world would be hell of a nicer place. It's not.
So no, I don't feel sorry for childless people. But I do feel sorry for some children because of the kind of parents they have.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jul 6, 2014 21:49:21 GMT -5
Does it take a tremendous amount of effort to be wrong so often, or does it come naturally to you? You seem to be gifted with it.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 21:56:04 GMT -5
Yes. To mere mortals such as yourself it is beyond your abilities.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 6, 2014 21:56:25 GMT -5
As someone who didn't have children while other people were having children, and someone who currently has children now. I prefer my past life way better. I think that I could've have been happy eventually either way though. Right now, because the children are so young, it's hell making things work, but things get done. I always knew that I didn't have kind of patience and energy that children require, but I knew that I would want children at one point in my life in one form or another (e.g. adoption). And so I did the pros and cons, I realized that it was better to have kids because I knew that I would eventually want them, and having them naturally was the cheapest and most hassle-free way. I hate it when people say that people who don't have children are selfish. I hear it all the time, and it makes my blood boil!! It's people who have children who are selfish. I had children full well knowing that I wasn't the "motherly' type, and being a mother is an everyday challenge for me. I had them on the premise that I will eventually want "children" in my life and it would just be easier if I had them when I can best conceive them. How selfish is that?! There is some magical thinking out there that want other people to believe that bearing children somehow makes you endowed with self-sacrificing love and teaches you the meaning of life, love and blah... If having children made you a better person, the world would be hell of a nicer place. It's not. So no, I don't feel sorry for childless people. But I do feel sorry for some children because of the kind of parents they have. I love it when mothers are honest about being a parent. I know for a fact that all mothers feel that way at one time or another and I really, really respect those that are honest about their feelings. For those that make it their entire life and when their kids grow and fly the coup and they can't deal... makes me sad. We have a friend/neighbor like that who is not doing well and needs meds for her depression over it. It doesn't seem to be helping and we don't know what to do for her.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 6, 2014 21:57:01 GMT -5
I was happy before I had kids-and had decided I wouldn't have them for several years. But its not the same happiness and fulfillment that I have now. I want others to be that happy too, so my immediate reaction is to want them to have kids but I do know that's not for everyone and I work to keep my opinion to myself unless asked.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 21:57:33 GMT -5
See that makes me feel sorry for you. I have a life all of my own. Right now a big part of it intersects with my foster daughters, but I have a life of my own too. [br Feel "sorry" all u want. Dont care. I have many accomplishments in life apart from DH and my kids but in the end nothing is more important than them Your kids and DH aren't your accomplishments. And the phrase "nothing is more important than them" is really quite meaningless. People that have made really important contributions to society are not remembered for how many children they had.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jul 6, 2014 21:58:05 GMT -5
Fortunately, it is not beyond my abilities to be right.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 6, 2014 21:59:05 GMT -5
The judgment goes both ways. Stop pretending that it doesn't. This might come as a surprise to you, Shoobs, but there are people in the world who are not commonly judgmental.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 21:59:53 GMT -5
I've never understood the "have a baby at any cost" mentality. So obviously my maternal instinct is not as strong as some people's. I love my kids, but they do grow up, Shooby. So if quiet bothers you, figure out what noise is going to replace them.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 22:01:30 GMT -5
[br Feel "sorry" all u want. Dont care. I have many accomplishments in life apart from DH and my kids but in the end nothing is more important than them Your kids and DH aren't your accomplishments. And the phrase "nothing is more important than them" is really quite meaningless. People that have made really important contributions to society are not remembered for how many children they had. Accomplishments pale in comparison to your family.
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