NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:07:40 GMT -5
Needless to say, it doesn't help that people are constantly quizzing me on "when I'm going to have another one" as if it's just a given. People don't seem to realize that question can hurt.
They will if you punch them in the face next time they ask.
You should have heard my SIL on the subject. I hadn't been out of the hospital for 24 hours yet when she started going on at me about we needed to start trying for a second. My MIL ripped into her for that.
I agree with Angel maybe you should seek out counseling because this shouldn't be something you beat yourself over so hard and constantly about.
Especially in concerns with what other people think. My response was "If you're volunteering sure". Otherwise keep your damn nose out of my uterus, you don't get a vote on when or if we have other children. Guilt is an internal emotion, people can provide you with the fuel but they cannot MAKE you feel guilt. We create it in our own heads. Stop letting nebnoses make you miserable.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 10, 2014 15:07:47 GMT -5
I'm not saying that the same experience will happen to you, but I don't think you should completely give up the idea of having 2 kids just because being a mom of one isn't what you expected.
Wow, that post was amazing to read. I think you've nailed it for me and it would probably be a very similar experience for me. I hope so. I don't know. DH doesn't want another right now anyway, so that helps. We both agree - maybe in a couple of years. If we get to that point and I still feel the way I do now, we'll stop at one because I don't want to have another kid any later than my early thirties. It's not like we have to decide today, it's just that the whole issue is driving me insane. I wasn't kidding when I said it weighs on me every single day. There is never one single day when I'm fully at peace having only one child. It would be swell if I could just get past this but it simply doesn't go away. For me, there is a contentedness of knowing that this is our family and this is our life now. I do think setting a time table to put it out of your mind completely. That I am not going to touch this topic for another year or another 2 years. Then leave it be; enjoy what you have now (or try).
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 10, 2014 15:10:45 GMT -5
Well, how about say (to yourself in your head) that you'll revisit the idea in two years and then, put it out of your head, don't do any mental weighing of the pros and cons or try to figure out where you stand. Just completely table the issue for two years.
Try and fail on pretty much a daily basis. I can't help it. Needless to say, it doesn't help that people are constantly quizzing me on "when I'm going to have another one" as if it's just a given. People don't seem to realize that question can hurt. Then you say never and if you have another, are they really going to be upset that you "lied"? I told people the first 3 years that we were married that babies gave me a rash. I would see a baby and when people would look at me to see if I was having baby fever, I would start scratching and say I'm allergic, they gave me a rash.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:11:12 GMT -5
It's not like we have to decide today, it's just that the whole issue is driving me insane. I wasn't kidding when I said it weighs on me every single day. There is never one single day when I'm fully at peace having only one child. It would be swell if I could just get past this but it simply doesn't go away. Reading this makes me sad. Have you considered counseling for this issue? This has to be a huge stress on you & it really shouldn't be something that weighs on you like this. I agree. This shouldn't be something that weighs so heavily. I could see if you were getting to where time was an issue, but it's not.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 15:11:21 GMT -5
I respond "We're done unless DH wants to get himself a sister wife". They stop talking because they can't tell if I am serious or not. DON'T KEEP SAYING THAT!!! Did I ever tell you where the 3rd kid came from?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 15:18:25 GMT -5
I agree with Angel maybe you should seek out counseling because this shouldn't be something you beat yourself over so hard and constantly about.
It's something I discuss in counseling - it's not WHY I'm in counseling, but it does come up.
There was a brief shiny period earlier this year when I was briefly at peace and actually really excited about having just one child. I was so happy. But it passed. I'm trying to figure out how to move back into that happy place.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:20:05 GMT -5
I agree with Angel maybe you should seek out counseling because this shouldn't be something you beat yourself over so hard and constantly about.
It's something I discuss in counseling - it's not WHY I'm in counseling, but it does come up. There was a brief shiny period earlier this year when I was briefly at peace and actually really excited about having just one child. I was so happy. But it passed. I'm trying to figure out how to move back into that happy place. Don't get hung up on making peace with having just one child. You don't NEED to do that yet. Table it!
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 10, 2014 15:20:44 GMT -5
My response to people suggesting we provide B a sibling is "Oh, are you opening a free daycare/paying for daycare for this one?"
Tends to shut people up.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 15:21:49 GMT -5
I agree with Angel maybe you should seek out counseling because this shouldn't be something you beat yourself over so hard and constantly about.
It's something I discuss in counseling - it's not WHY I'm in counseling, but it does come up. There was a brief shiny period earlier this year when I was briefly at peace and actually really excited about having just one child. I was so happy. But it passed. I'm trying to figure out how to move back into that happy place. Is it possible that your subconcious realizes that you are a fabulous mother & wants you to have another child? And maybe it is just the concious, far too logical part of you that feels you aren't cut out for this? I have no idea, but it does make me sad that you struggle with this so much. I am glad you discuss it in counseling though.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:27:30 GMT -5
Don't get hung up on making peace with having just one child. You don't NEED to do that yet. Table it!
No kidding. You're a couple years younger than I am aren't you? I just turned 30 back in December and finally came around to having another kid. Gwen will be 4 in two weeks.
I wouldn't get hung up on cut-off dates at this stage in your life.
It'd be different if you were DH's age, I can understand why he wanted me to make up my mind on having a second kid.
But you're my age, you have a LONG way to go before you need to "make peace" with having one kid.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:32:28 GMT -5
I didn't want kids at all until I was in my early 30's. Had zero interest in them. No maternal instinct drive at all, then I got the bug. First son was born when I was 33. Then I divorced a few years later and figured probably done, but who knows? I tabled it. I didn't get rid of all the baby stuff just in case. Second was born when I was 41.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 15:32:57 GMT -5
Is it possible that your subconcious realizes that you are a fabulous mother & wants you to have another child? And maybe it is just the concious, far too logical part of you that feels you aren't cut out for this?
See, this is why it's just too confusing. Too many factors! There's the part of me that decided from the earliest possible age to have at least two children (I used to tell my parents that I wanted "identical twin girls to be named later" ). There's the part of me that likes the quiet, independent life and really loves the lifestyle Sheila describes with her husband and Boy and wants to quit while I'm ahead. There's the part of me that is SO grateful to be an only child today because it means my parents can be a huge part of my life (and Babybird's) without worrying about shortchanging other kids, and there's the part of me that still HATES not having any siblings. There's the part of me that feels like I'm a good mom and the part of me that feels like I'm a shitty mom. There's the part of me that hates having another person completely dependent on me and there's the part of me that is unspeakably grateful to have my own family. There's the fact that Babybird could very well not get along with a sibling, and there's the equally likely possibility that she would love her little brother or sister to bits. I could go on. I'm just a big old ball of contradiction when it comes to this subject. And these thoughts just circle all the time. I can't look at my kid without thinking some variation of "Is this it? SHOULD this be it?"
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:35:50 GMT -5
There's the part of me that feels like I'm a good mom and the part of me that feels like I'm a shitty mom.
There's the part of me that hates having another person completely dependent on me and there's the part of me that is unspeakably grateful to have my own family.
There's the fact that Babybird could very well not get along with a sibling, and there's the equally likely possibility that she would love her little brother or sister to bits.
You do realize this is all totally normal don't you?
You really should come over to WIR more often to get out of your own head and "talk" to other mothers. I don't think there is a single one of us on the board that haven't thought the above and then some.
Hell I'm 28 weeks pregnant and still worry about sibling rivalry, especially when you consider my issues with my brother. It's a tad too late for me to be having second thoughts.
My brother and I are 30 and 24 and my mother STILL has days where she thinks she was a shitty mother and wonders what she could have done differently.
Anyone who says they have no doubts and are 100% confident about being a parent is full of crap.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:40:03 GMT -5
There's the part of me that feels like I'm a good mom and the part of me that feels like I'm a shitty mom.
There's the part of me that hates having another person completely dependent on me and there's the part of me that is unspeakably grateful to have my own family.
There's the fact that Babybird could very well not get along with a sibling, and there's the equally likely possibility that she would love her little brother or sister to bits.
You do realize this is all totally normal don't you?
You really should come over to WIR more often to get out of your own head and "talk" to other mothers. I don't think there is a single one of us on the board that haven't thought the above and then some.
Hell I'm 28 weeks pregnant and still worry about sibling rivalry, especially when you consider my issues with my brother. It's a tad too late for me to be having second thoughts.
My brother and I are 30 and 24 and my mother STILL has days where she thinks she was a shitty mother and wonders what she could have done differently.
Anyone who says they have no doubts and are 100% confident about being a parent is full of crap.
And you're never going to be able to guess the future by analyzing scenarios over and over in your head anyhow.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 15:41:17 GMT -5
Yeah, I know it's all normal. It's not like I'm unhappy with things. I'm just at a place in my life where I don't know what the right way forward is, and that's weird for me. I'm usually pretty sure of my decisions. The indecision/ambivalence is what makes it so hard. That, and the fact that once I commit to that second kid there's no going back.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:42:30 GMT -5
I'm just at a place in my life where I don't know what the right way forward is, and that's weird for me
It's called parenthood. Those damn hospitals don't provide instruction manuals when you leave, you'd think for how much they charge the least they could do is provide you with instructions.
That, and the fact that once I commit to that second kid there's no going back.
As has been mentioned you have plenty of time before you commit either way. I think you're trying too hard to force yourself into making a decision. Unless you have troubles conceiving or are facing menopause there is no reason you need to decide TODAY what you're going to do as far as having another kid. There was a lot of going on when I announced I was pregnant with Abigail. I've been pretty firmly in the one and done camp since the day Gwen popped out. I did a complete 180 four years later.
Not saying you will, just saying it's not a decision that must be set in stone this very minute.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 15:43:03 GMT -5
Is it possible that your subconcious realizes that you are a fabulous mother & wants you to have another child? And maybe it is just the concious, far too logical part of you that feels you aren't cut out for this?
See, this is why it's just too confusing. Too many factors! There's the part of me that decided from the earliest possible age to have at least two children (I used to tell my parents that I wanted "identical twin girls to be named later" ). There's the part of me that likes the quiet, independent life and really loves the lifestyle Sheila describes with her husband and Boy and wants to quit while I'm ahead. There's the part of me that is SO grateful to be an only child today because it means my parents can be a huge part of my life (and Babybird's) without worrying about shortchanging other kids, and there's the part of me that still HATES not having any siblings. There's the part of me that feels like I'm a good mom and the part of me that feels like I'm a shitty mom. There's the part of me that hates having another person completely dependent on me and there's the part of me that is unspeakably grateful to have my own family. There's the fact that Babybird could very well not get along with a sibling, and there's the equally likely possibility that she would love her little brother or sister to bits. I could go on. I'm just a big old ball of contradiction when it comes to this subject. And these thoughts just circle all the time. I can't look at my kid without thinking some variation of "Is this it? SHOULD this be it?" IDK if anyone else said it yet, but welcome to parenthood. You're doing it right. Seriously, any decent parent asks themselves all that and drives them crazy with all that. There are plenty of other things out there waiting to push you a little closer to crazy, don't let it be all these questions.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:44:32 GMT -5
Yeah, I know it's all normal. It's not like I'm unhappy with things. I'm just at a place in my life where I don't know what the right way forward is, and that's weird for me. I'm usually pretty sure of my decisions. The indecision/ambivalence is what makes it so hard. That, and the fact that once I commit to that second kid there's no going back. LOL I've been tormenting myself over whether or not to send my son to 3 day or 5 day preschool this Fall. It really doesn't matter either way, but one HAS to be a better decision!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 10, 2014 15:51:43 GMT -5
The only people I've seen who are convinced they are kick ass parents Are the ones having their parental rights terminated by family court for abuse or neglect, or those creepy stepford helicopter mommies.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 15:53:59 GMT -5
Yes indeed. 4 of the most horrible parents I know think they are the greatest. The fact that their own children are horrid seems to go right over their heads.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 15:55:53 GMT -5
The worse they are, the better they think they are. I've listened to some parents talk and wondered how no one has called CPS on them. I knew them and their love of exaggeration so I refrained from calling
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 16:00:12 GMT -5
My kids turned out fairly well in spite of some huge blips in their lives. As some of you know, I wouldn't have given a prayer for DDs chances at a good life and, yet, she's pulled her head out of her ass and is kicking ass. There's things I wished I had done differently but I cannot undo them. Kids are fairly resilient as long as they are cared for.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 16:03:36 GMT -5
Yeah, I know it's all normal. It's not like I'm unhappy with things. I'm just at a place in my life where I don't know what the right way forward is, and that's weird for me. I'm usually pretty sure of my decisions. The indecision/ambivalence is what makes it so hard. That, and the fact that once I commit to that second kid there's no going back. LOL I've been tormenting myself over whether or not to send my son to 3 day or 5 day preschool this Fall. It really doesn't matter either way, but one HAS to be a better decision! I have been very concerned about the fact my 6 month old just misses the Kindergarten cutoff & will be stuck in preschool for an extra year & will be really bored. Because that worry makes a lot of sense when I don't even know whether he would even be ready for kindergarten at 5...4.5 years from now. Yet, it really, really worries me
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 16:05:42 GMT -5
Look, it never ends. DS was too young for K. DD was too old for K. They both managed. DS is almost 31. I worry he will never find a nice girl. Then I worry that he will marry the one he is currently dating. AAAAAHHHH!!!!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 10, 2014 20:39:10 GMT -5
Can we teach my husband to get dressed in a timely manner?Only if you can teach my husband the proper amount of toilet paper to use. He didn't appreciate it when I told him if he actually needs that much maybe he should see a doctor. I have had the teach DD the appropriate amount of TP to use. Her prior daycare would give them a ton to use to clean their butt. Of course after watching them use 5 wipes to clean her butt after a small amount of poop in her diaper, it shouldn't surprised me. Needless to say, she's doing better. Of course, if I could get her to stop coming out of the bathroom without her underwear or shorts/pants on...
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 10, 2014 20:42:12 GMT -5
Well, how about say (to yourself in your head) that you'll revisit the idea in two years and then, put it out of your head, don't do any mental weighing of the pros and cons or try to figure out where you stand. Just completely table the issue for two years.
Try and fail on pretty much a daily basis. I can't help it. Needless to say, it doesn't help that people are constantly quizzing me on "when I'm going to have another one" as if it's just a given. People don't seem to realize that question can hurt. Then you say never and if you have another, are they really going to be upset that you "lied"? I told people the first 3 years that we were married that babies gave me a rash. I would see a baby and when people would look at me to see if I was having baby fever, I would start scratching and say I'm allergic, they gave me a rash.
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Jul 10, 2014 22:12:14 GMT -5
The only people I've seen who are convinced they are kick ass parents Are the ones having their parental rights terminated by family court for abuse or neglect, or those creepy stepford helicopter mommies. Thankfully, I don't see the former- but I see a LOT of the latter. My kids have a lot of leeway for kids these days. Like over the last weekend, my son who is 10/11 was out in the street lighting fireworks pretty much on his own- I mean, I was present, but I wasn't hovering over him or yelling at him to be careful and all that. I insist he light the firecrackers on the ground- not hold and throw them, but that's only because I don't want my daughter- who is 4/5 seeing that (which is the only reason I don't do it- even though I would totally do it- heck if it were up to me, we'd put safety goggles on and have bottle rocket wars. But alas, those days are over- and I'd probably be the former if I did that). Anyhoo- we were at a neighborhood forth of July party and my wife and I got an earful from a few parents that night and the next day about how daring and crazy we are letting our son light fireworks. I'm thinking: two to three generations ago, this kid might have been our young nation's Ambassador to Russia or taken up arms in the civil war , or at the very least helped run a family business, plant or harvest crops, help with newborn animals, and the kinds of serious chores replaced by technology, economic development (specialization of labor), machines, or hired done. It's literally crazy the stuff "helicopter parents" worry about.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 11, 2014 12:09:37 GMT -5
Firebird- I gloss over it but there was a period of time when the Boy was like 2 in which we gave some serious thought to having a second one. Even tried for a couple of months but it wasn't meant to be. Just after his third birthday we took him to Germany for a month and it was such an eye opener. He was old enough to walk and talk and tell us what he needed. He was potty trained so no diaper bag to lug around. He'd eat normal food at the restaurants. We had one of those small, compact strollers that weighs like 4 lbs.
After we got home from vacation and really looked at it we decided we didn't want to start over with an infant. A couple months later DH got snipped and that was that.
Yes we have a nice, peaceful lifestyle with the Boy and I honestly don't know if we would still have that with more children or not. I don't know the answer. I think deep down he is just a unique, oddly peaceful kid. I wouldn't change my mind at this point and have another but honestly from time to time we talk about it and wonder if we made the right decision.
We'd ask DS "do you want a little brother or sister?" and he'd always tell us "No thank you". But he's always been a solitary kid. He likes the peace and quiet and the ability to do his own thing.
You have to do what's right for you, your DH and Babybird. You were an only child that wished you had siblings, I was one of 4 that wished I was an only child. DS is an only that loves being an only. Give it some time, get babybird out of diapers (if that fits your timeline) and then re-evaluate.
I HATED being pregnant - it was the most miserable 9 months of my life. I love the Boy like crazy but I did not enjoy the screaming infant stage either. I don't really like kids until they hit about 2 years old. Then they are a hoot but I am not a fan of little babies. People always thrust them at me assuming I'm going to want to hold their kid and I hold him/her to be polite and then pawn it off on someone else the first chance I get.
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Icelandic Woman
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Post by Icelandic Woman on Jul 11, 2014 12:28:10 GMT -5
I knew from a very early age that I didn't want to have children. I have no regrets about it. My life and house are very quiet and peaceful and that's the way I like it.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 11, 2014 13:13:15 GMT -5
You have to do what's right for you, your DH and Babybird. You were an only child that wished you had siblings, I was one of 4 that wished I was an only child. DS is an only that loves being an only. Give it some time, get babybird out of diapers (if that fits your timeline) and then re-evaluate.
Well, conversations like this do make me feel a little better (that's the social media outlet relief I mentioned earlier). I'm very encouraged by all the other people that hated the baby stage. I kind of forgot about this but there was a time when I didn't want kids - really, seriously, did not want ever. I was in my late teens/early twenties. What changed my mind was living with my friend and her then 5 year old. Great kid and tons of fun. I really loved hanging out with her and that's pretty much what made me decide I wanted my own little ankle biters. But a 5 year old is a lot different than a baby. I had never lived with or even spent much real time with a baby or toddler so I definitely had a skewed perspective. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Babybird is apparently reading this thread behind my back as she's been nothing but sweet and cuddly and adorable for like 3 days straight, making me wonder what the hell I'm complaining about (until the other shoe drops, naturally ).
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