Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 14:20:19 GMT -5
If you lacked parenting instincts, you wouldn't care at all about the job you're doing as a mom.
Thanks. I definitely care about doing right by Babybird. She deserves the absolute best I have to offer her.
I don't like to admit how deeply I got rooked into the societal "all good mommies have magic happy feels about their children 24/7" thing. I remind myself that what I do is much more important than how I feel. I actually think I'm doing a pretty decent job as her mother in terms of my actions. I just don't feel like I "should" toward her most of the time.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 14:21:24 GMT -5
If you lacked parenting instincts, you wouldn't care at all about the job you're doing as a mom.
Thanks. I definitely care about doing right by Babybird. She deserves the absolute best I have to offer her. I don't like to admit how deeply I got rooked into the societal "all good mommies have magic happy feels about their children 24/7" thing. I remind myself that what I do is much more important than how I feel. I actually think I'm doing a pretty decent job as her mother in terms of my actions. I just don't feel like I "should" toward her most of the time. Oh hell no. Not even close.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 14:22:26 GMT -5
If you lacked parenting instincts, you wouldn't care at all about the job you're doing as a mom.
Thanks. I definitely care about doing right by Babybird. She deserves the absolute best I have to offer her. I don't like to admit how deeply I got rooked into the societal "all good mommies have magic happy feels about their children 24/7" thing. I remind myself that what I do is much more important than how I feel. I actually think I'm doing a pretty decent job as her mother in terms of my actions. I just don't feel like I "should" toward her most of the time. What's the name of that comedian with the sledgehammer from the 80s? I remember one of his jokes vividly "God makes babies cute so you don't kill them" I'd be way more worried if you were in the "magic happy feels" camp than able to admit it isn't as easy as all that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 14:23:33 GMT -5
It helps that people are starting to be much more honest about parenthood, and in turn less judgmental about moms who don't feel the "right" things.
With the advent of social media, parents have a lot more safe spaces to say things like "I think I suck at this" or "I think I made a huge mistake" and to receive reassurance from other parents who feel the same things sometimes.
I'm hugely relieved to have such an outlet.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 14:25:17 GMT -5
Firebird, I am guessing more women feel that way than would admit it. I think you are an awesome mom & better than most for recognizing your strengths & weaknesses.Thanks, Angel That's really nice of you to say. I know there's nothing wrong with having an only child. Believe me. But having two children is so deeply ingrained into my image of myself and my life that it feels like a major personal failure to admit that I may not be equipped for another kid. I think one of the hardest things in life can be to accept that our vision of what our life would be isn't going to be reality. I think that is why it took me so long to let go of my marriage. I was going to be happily married with kids & we were going to be a freaking happy family come hell or high water because that is what I was supposed to have, that is how I had always pictured my life. Once I was finally able to let go of this ideal of what my life was supposed to be, I was able to leave my horrible marriage & found myself happier than I think I was during my entire marriage.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 10, 2014 14:29:09 GMT -5
Lordy, I thought ya'll had come a long way baby. My generation was supposed to graduate high school, get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Then the wave of the 80's hit and half my generation was divorced
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 14:30:23 GMT -5
I don't like to admit how deeply I got rooked into the societal "all good mommies have magic happy feels about their children 24/7" thing
Anyone who says that is lying.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 14:34:35 GMT -5
I don't like to admit how deeply I got rooked into the societal "all good mommies have magic happy feels about their children 24/7" thingAnyone who says that is lying. I know that in my head but it managed to find its way into my psyche and it's harder to recognize things as true there. See also, "it's perfectly okay to have an only child." Firebird's mind knows this is a true statement, Firebird's psyche fights with it all day long.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 10, 2014 14:37:29 GMT -5
If you lacked parenting instincts, you wouldn't care at all about the job you're doing as a mom.
Thanks. I definitely care about doing right by Babybird. She deserves the absolute best I have to offer her. I don't like to admit how deeply I got rooked into the societal "all good mommies have magic happy feels about their children 24/7" thing. I remind myself that what I do is much more important than how I feel. I actually think I'm doing a pretty decent job as her mother in terms of my actions. I just don't feel like I "should" toward her most of the time. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Whew, that's a good one. Firebird, I'm not the world's best mom a lot of days. We've let B watch way too much TV lately. And I do that because I don't have the emotional resources to sit there and entertain a toddler for the 30 minutes it takes her to eat an egg. It's so boring, and so frustrating, and I just want to be like "UGH JUST EAT THE EGG IT TAKES 30 SECONDS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!" The day she puts on her own shoes I am going to pop a bottle of champagne. I love my kid, but the physically dependent stage is killing me. I have a lot of guilt about not doing "more" for her. But at the end of the day, she's healthy and happy and an hour of cartoons every day is not going to kill her. If you have similar feelings about baby bird, I don't think that makes you a bad mom. I think that makes you a human being. However, if you don't want to do the whole thing again, don't. Then again, just like last time, it may hit you out of the blue and then BOOM you're gonna be right back on the kids thread talking about how to get knocked up again.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 14:39:51 GMT -5
I don't have 24/7 happy feelings about my spouse either.
Then again, just like last time, it may hit you out of the blue and then BOOM you're gonna be right back on the kids thread talking about how to get knocked up again.
I blame all you people for the situation I am in right now.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 14:41:35 GMT -5
"UGH JUST EAT THE EGG IT TAKES 30 SECONDS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!" I laugh because that is how I feel when I have to tell my son 7 times to get dressed. It takes like 2 minutes to pull out some clothes & put them on, why the hell are you wandering around still naked 20 minutes later & how did you forget what you were supposed to be doing.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 14:42:58 GMT -5
I feel that way when it comes to using the bathroom. WHHHHY am I having to constantly go over flushing and wiping? What is it between the bathroom and your room that makes you forget to flush the potty? I am so tired of going into the bathroom to find a little piece of toddler poo floating around in the bowl.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 10, 2014 14:45:54 GMT -5
Same here. Despite DD only sleeping 2 hours at a time all night, I was so freaking happy to come back to work after maternity leave! I'm also puzzled at the fact that I wanted a #2 right after DD was born, but the older/easier she gets the more reluctant I am to start the process over again... Firebird, being a parent is a hard fucking job. No one can prepare you for it, and it's never what you expected. I always loved babies, and am not a huge fan of older kids, so I was pretty surprised that I hated DD's tiny-baby stage so much. I still feel I fall short most days. But I think that's normal, and it doesn't make me (or you) a bad mother.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 10, 2014 14:47:02 GMT -5
Firebird, I am guessing more women feel that way than would admit it. I think you are an awesome mom & better than most for recognizing your strengths & weaknesses.Thanks, Angel That's really nice of you to say. I know there's nothing wrong with having an only child. Believe me. But having two children is so deeply ingrained into my image of myself and my life that it feels like a major personal failure to admit that I may not be equipped for another kid. I know i have said this before. But I felt like that a lot after having DS. Part of it was diagnosed PPD. I was scared to have a second kid. But all things considered we did want one and even though I felt like an awful mom to DS, having DD has changed so much for me. Having her has been so theraputic. I feel like I was born to be a mom of 2. When I had one, everything that went bad was internalized in me. I just struggled with it. Once I had DD, a lot of times if one had a bad day or a bad time, the other one would lift me up. They obviously didn't know it. But if DS was throwing a fit, taking DD over and nursing her/giving her a bottle helps me focus on the good part, that it isn't me. My feelings about being a mom have changed so much since having #2. To me, having 2 is easier than having one because I am so much more comfortable with it. I still have my moments and for 6 months DS refused to even look at DD. But now they play together fairly well. They adore each other (even while they beat each other up). I am just so much more comfortable with 2 than I ever was with 1. I'm not saying that the same experience will happen to you, but I don't think you should completely give up the idea of having 2 kids just because being a mom of one isn't what you expected.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 14:48:33 GMT -5
"UGH JUST EAT THE EGG IT TAKES 30 SECONDS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!" I laugh because that is how I feel when I have to tell my son 7 times to get dressed. It takes like 2 minutes to pull out some clothes & put them on, why the hell are you wandering around still naked 20 minutes later & how did you forget what you were supposed to be doing. Sometimes I just look at them and think "WTF"? This is of course when I'm being calm. Sometimes their irrational behavior drives me to my own level of crazy.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 14:53:22 GMT -5
Wait til your older one teaches your younger one how to make his armpits fart.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 14:54:41 GMT -5
I laugh because that is how I feel when I have to tell my son 7 times to get dressed. It takes like 2 minutes to pull out some clothes & put them on, why the hell are you wandering around still naked 20 minutes later & how did you forget what you were supposed to be doing. Sometimes I just look at them and think "WTF"? This is of course when I'm being calm. Sometimes their irrational behavior drives me to my own level of crazy. I'll trade you Mr. Logic for.......well, I'll just give him to you. He'll be 18 in 5 months anyway so if he drives you bonkers, you won't have him long.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 10, 2014 14:56:15 GMT -5
Can we teach my husband to get dressed in a timely manner?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 14:56:27 GMT -5
It's taken me 4 years to come around to having a second. I know a lot of people prefer to get the baby stage done all at once and tried to encourage me to do the same, but the idea of two in diapers and possibly two on my boob made me want to eat a bullet. Once we passed those hurdles I stopped feeling like such a crappy parent and started turning over in my head that maybe I can do this again, after all the first one has survived to 4 years of age in spite of me. I'm not a baby person, I am not a breastfeeding person, I am not a pregnancy person so I did feel bad about myself a lot in RL. I've become much more comfortable in my own skin as time has gone by. There's no parenting manual they hand out at the hospital so we're all pretty much making it up as we go. We're not going to be perfect or enjoy every minute. I don't think that makes us bad parents. I'll be honest I would have been just fine stopping at one if DH had decided he was finished. But I knew he really wanted a second despite his assurances he was okay with me being in the one and done camp. I came around to the idea so we decided to go for it. However the next person who asks me "are you going to have another after this?" is going to get punched in the face. Two is more than enough thank you!
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 14:57:27 GMT -5
Can we teach my husband to get dressed in a timely manner? NO. And if you figure out how, tell me how to get mine in gear.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 14:57:57 GMT -5
I'm not saying that the same experience will happen to you, but I don't think you should completely give up the idea of having 2 kids just because being a mom of one isn't what you expected.
Wow, that post was amazing to read. I think you've nailed it for me and it would probably be a very similar experience for me.
I hope so. I don't know. DH doesn't want another right now anyway, so that helps. We both agree - maybe in a couple of years. If we get to that point and I still feel the way I do now, we'll stop at one because I don't want to have another kid any later than my early thirties.
It's not like we have to decide today, it's just that the whole issue is driving me insane. I wasn't kidding when I said it weighs on me every single day. There is never one single day when I'm fully at peace having only one child. It would be swell if I could just get past this but it simply doesn't go away.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 14:58:20 GMT -5
Can we teach my husband to get dressed in a timely manner?Only if you can teach my husband the proper amount of toilet paper to use. He didn't appreciate it when I told him if he actually needs that much maybe he should see a doctor.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 14:58:55 GMT -5
It's taken me 4 years to come around to having a second. I know a lot of people prefer to get the baby stage done all at once and tried to encourage me to do the same, but the idea of two in diapers and possibly two on my boob made me want to eat a bullet. Once we passed those hurdles I stopped feeling like such a crappy parent and started turning over in my head that maybe I can do this again, after all the first one has survived to 4 years of age in spite of me. I'm not a baby person, I am not a breastfeeding person, I am not a pregnancy person so I did feel bad about myself a lot in RL. I've become much more comfortable in my own skin as time has gone by. There's no parenting manual they hand out at the hospital so we're all pretty much making it up as we go. We're not going to be perfect or enjoy every minute. I don't think that makes us bad parents. I'll be honest I would have been just fine stopping at one if DH had decided he was finished. But I knew he really wanted a second despite his assurances he was okay with me being in the one and done camp. I came around to the idea so we decided to go for it. However the next person who asks me "are you going to have another after this?" is going to get punched in the face. Two is more than enough thank you!My favorite response was "No, we don't want to be outnumbered" 2nd favorite "I currently have one hand per kid, that works out well"
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 10, 2014 15:00:48 GMT -5
"I don't want to move from playing 1 on 1 to zone defense in my family"
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 10, 2014 15:00:54 GMT -5
It's taken me 4 years to come around to having a second. I know a lot of people prefer to get the baby stage done all at once and tried to encourage me to do the same, but the idea of two in diapers and possibly two on my boob made me want to eat a bullet. Once we passed those hurdles I stopped feeling like such a crappy parent and started turning over in my head that maybe I can do this again, after all the first one has survived to 4 years of age in spite of me. I'm not a baby person, I am not a breastfeeding person, I am not a pregnancy person so I did feel bad about myself a lot in RL. I've become much more comfortable in my own skin as time has gone by. There's no parenting manual they hand out at the hospital so we're all pretty much making it up as we go. We're not going to be perfect or enjoy every minute. I don't think that makes us bad parents. I'll be honest I would have been just fine stopping at one if DH had decided he was finished. But I knew he really wanted a second despite his assurances he was okay with me being in the one and done camp. I came around to the idea so we decided to go for it. However the next person who asks me "are you going to have another after this?" is going to get punched in the face. Two is more than enough thank you! Those 2 described me so well. But since I knew it the second time, I knew I could feel ok about not being that person the second time. But when I was coming up with a name for DD, I said it had to be a positive name with a positive meaning so that it would counteract my negative feelings towards the baby. Now that probably sounds stupid and has no impact on her personality and who she is, but it helped me get through that year and half.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 15:02:42 GMT -5
I'm not saying that the same experience will happen to you, but I don't think you should completely give up the idea of having 2 kids just because being a mom of one isn't what you expected.
Wow, that post was amazing to read. I think you've nailed it for me and it would probably be a very similar experience for me. I hope so. I don't know. DH doesn't want another right now anyway. We both agree - maybe in a couple of years. If we get to that point and I still feel the way I do now, we'll stop at one because I don't want to have another kid any later than my early thirties. It's not like we have to decide today, it's just that the whole issue is driving me insane. I wasn't kidding when I said it weighs on me every single day. There is never one single day when I'm fully at peace having only one child. It would be swell if I could just get past this but it simply doesn't go away. Well, how about say (to yourself in your head) that you'll revisit the idea in two years and then, put it out of your head, don't do any mental weighing of the pros and cons or try to figure out where you stand. Just completely table the issue for two years. I'm actually really good at this. I think it's called procrastination. ROFL
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 10, 2014 15:04:22 GMT -5
When people I ask if we are done, I have a couple responses depending on how they word it: Them: "Are you going to have any more kids" Me: "HELL NO" Them: "Are you guys done having kids?" Me: "yes, we are done-done with a snip-snip" Those two discourage anything other discussion on the topic.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:05:33 GMT -5
I respond "We're done unless DH wants to get himself a sister wife". They stop talking because they can't tell if I am serious or not.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 15:05:45 GMT -5
It's not like we have to decide today, it's just that the whole issue is driving me insane. I wasn't kidding when I said it weighs on me every single day. There is never one single day when I'm fully at peace having only one child. It would be swell if I could just get past this but it simply doesn't go away. Reading this makes me sad. Have you considered counseling for this issue? This has to be a huge stress on you & it really shouldn't be something that weighs on you like this.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 15:06:14 GMT -5
Well, how about say (to yourself in your head) that you'll revisit the idea in two years and then, put it out of your head, don't do any mental weighing of the pros and cons or try to figure out where you stand. Just completely table the issue for two years.
Try and fail on pretty much a daily basis.
I can't help it. Needless to say, it doesn't help that people are constantly quizzing me on "when I'm going to have another one" as if it's just a given. People don't seem to realize that question can hurt.
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