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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 17:41:14 GMT -5
Sometimes parents are like kids. If they think you will give in, they just nag/beg harder.
The first time will be the hardest. And you might need to impose some significant consequences for not backing off/ using the kids... But after she realizes you are serious, it should get much easier.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 29, 2014 17:42:39 GMT -5
Nancy has hit on the question that's been plaguing me, MPL. Why can you not seem to say: "No!", mean it, and stand by it? That would include your ex AND your mother. I'm not saying the water park was a bad idea. What I'm saying is: If you didn't want to go to the water park you had every right to refuse to go to the water park. You are living your life. Your mother is not. Take the reins and run your own life, hon. Learn to say: "No!" I wish you could meet my mom...ugh. She does not stop nagging until I cave. "You can't afford to go anywhere", "The kids will love it so much, don't deny them" (plus she told them allabout it so they worked on me). "I'll pay for everything". "This is so close", "You're not doing anything else". Then she just scheduled it and sent it to my outlook calendar. *chuckle* I know mine, though. My life was much like that at one time. It took a long conversation with a hard-line stance and a couple of examples of my newly acquired "NO!" skill before we came to an understanding that ours was to be a realtionship of peers, not one of mistress and slave. It's worked out beautifully ever since.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 29, 2014 18:06:16 GMT -5
... The vacation I should have taken was a road trip to visit various YM people. ... I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that world...because, let's face it. His Dads life is all about fun. He SO idolizes his Dad who spoils him rotten. ... ... "You can't afford to go anywhere", "The kids will love it so much, don't deny them" (plus she told them all about it so they worked on me). "I'll pay for everything". "This is so close", "You're not doing anything else". ... Maybe this could be a time that your son has fun with you.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 29, 2014 19:14:20 GMT -5
I can't reply very well. No WiFi. Just my phone and not the greatest service. The vacation I should have taken was a road trip to visit various YM people. Nobody in real life knows I'm struggling. They all think Im some tough hard ass that can deal with anything. But really I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that world...because, let's face it. His Dads life is all about fun. He SO idolizes his Dad who spoils him rotten. Plus mental illness is rampant in ex's family so he may be predisposed to bipolar. It's ok to ask for help. I know it's hard! But unless you ask, people will assume you are fine. I know your dad/stepdad wouldn't want to sit by knowing you're struggling. And if you ever make it to Indiana, you have a place to stay. We have some good camping down here, and DD loves playing with "big kids".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 19:25:20 GMT -5
I only read the first few pages a couple of days ago, but I will say this: I had to grit my teeth when I was finally able to leave my ex. He was a good guy and actually made it happen because I expressed how "hopeless" my situation had become. I feel sure he understood I was close to suicidal.
But that didn't stop the pressure to come "home." He even said, "Maybe I should move all your stuff back!' Over and over, I had to grit my teeth and say no. He finally laid it on the line after almost a year's separation: come home or I will file for divorce. I told him to file.
Even after we were divorced, we "missed" each other. We were best friends for a lot of years until everything started going wrong.
Even without the mental issues, I know how difficult it is not to reconcile. But think of a picher. Once it is broken, it is broken. You can glue the pieces together, but it will never be the same. That is a marriage that is broken.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 21:16:54 GMT -5
I don't agree with bashing MPL for taking the trip. When you are broke and don't feel like you have a lot to offer the kids in the way of fun, it might be your only option. MPL is still adjusting to how to single parent. At some point she'll realize it is okay to tell the kids she needs a bit of mommy time and they need to have quiet time. 100% of every moment will not be for the kids, but that is probably really difficult for her to do since she's trying to be mom & dad to them right now and not let them miss out on anything.
If grandma is also too tired to help, maybe a lesson is learned there too. Next year when grandma starts talking about vacations that MPL needs to take, she can say 'mom I have a fabulous road & camping trip laid out' it would be super helpful if you would like to kick in $500 towards gas. We'll be happy to stop at your house for 2 days at x point in the trip so the kids can spend some quality time with you. Its worth a try at least!
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 29, 2014 21:43:07 GMT -5
I don't agree with bashing MPL for taking the trip. When you are broke and don't feel like you have a lot to offer the kids in the way of fun, it might be your only option. ... Well. I'm in hell. This is basically a big family fun fest. I'm surrounded by thousands of couples with their kids. This was not my choice for a vacation but my Mom just refused to take no for an answer. I wanted to just do a road trip with me and the kids. But I got sucked in by free and the kids of course love it. I didn't read where anyone but MPL was bashing MPL for taking the trip. People were bashing her for not saying no if she truly meant no.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 29, 2014 22:29:14 GMT -5
I don't think anyone was "bashing" MPL. I think most people are trying to offer good, practical advice. MPL is facing a very difficult time. Some of us have faced similar times in the past and not only survived them, but thrived.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jun 30, 2014 7:50:02 GMT -5
No, you're not a spineless loser.
We can't really control what we feel. But, we can control what we do. Hang in there kiddo.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 30, 2014 7:57:53 GMT -5
Hey, I even understood what Doxie meant when she said she missed her ex husband. Boy toy didnt bring enough money to the table to make her happy. I miss my old lifestyle, just not the prick I was married to to get it!!
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Jun 30, 2014 12:15:09 GMT -5
"I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that world...because, let's face it. His Dads life is all about fun. He SO idolizes his Dad who spoils him rotten. Plus mental illness is rampant in ex's family so he may be predisposed to bipolar. "
You couldn't control this if you stayed together with him, either. It's one of the hardest things to accept as a parent: what you can and can't control in your children's lives. (It is for me, anyway.)
Everything our kids are exposed to shapes them in some way. We really have no idea what has the biggest impacts until they are older. All you can do is provide them the loving, stable homelife as you are now and keep communicating with them about EVERYTHING. By setting the example of the stable parent they can always rely on you give them a foundation they will always come back to. Sure, dad may be fun sometimes. But, as I've seen with my kids, even at a young age that gets old and they gravitate back towards the stable family members who are always there for them and show them unconditional love and support.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 30, 2014 12:22:46 GMT -5
"I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that world
And how would him living with you prevent that? Unless you're going to quit your job and hobble your ex a la Misery.. how exactly can you control what he does?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 13:00:16 GMT -5
1. You and your children are a family. Not all families are mom, dad, 2.5 kids and Spot. And one type of family is not any better than the other.
2. You can't control him, either with or with you.
3. No is a full sentence. Use it.
4. It's OK to have feelings for your ex, or long for when things were good. However, things aren't the same any more, and but subjecting your children to such a dysfunctional relationship by moving him back is just wrong. Do you want your kids thinking it's normal to have to walk on eggshells?
5. Your son is 4, of course he idolizes dad, especially when time with dad is all sunshine and roses. I have a friend whose child was like that. The kid is now 9 and realizes that dad is a freakin' useless idiot.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:03:31 GMT -5
"I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that worldAnd how would him living with you prevent that? Unless you're going to quit your job and hobble your ex a la Misery.. how exactly can you control what he does? Well. Mainly because he wouldnt be taking him anywhere without me. I realize that would change when DS got older but I'm not looking beyond the next few years right now.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 13:08:32 GMT -5
"I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that worldAnd how would him living with you prevent that? Unless you're going to quit your job and hobble your ex a la Misery.. how exactly can you control what he does? Well. Mainly because he wouldnt be taking him anywhere without me. I realize that would change when DS got older but I'm not looking beyond the next few years right now. And how do you plan on doing that when you are at work?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:15:09 GMT -5
MPL, as others have pointed out, having him living with you actually gives him more freedom and you less control. Right now, he does not have free access to your son, nor can he just pack him up and take him somewhere. He is only allowed around your son when you are present. You can best control what your son is exposed to in your current situation. You can't control your ex whether he lives with you or not. Ever. I just dont think this supervised visitation is going to go on for forever. He started petitioning the court just a few weeks after being cut loose, and MN sucks as far as really pushing to have even unfit parents get plenty of unsupervised time. They also will give him a 10% break on his child support then so another incentive for him.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:19:01 GMT -5
Well. Mainly because he wouldnt be taking him anywhere without me. I realize that would change when DS got older but I'm not looking beyond the next few years right now. And how do you plan on doing that when you are at work? He goes to daycare. I have always done drop off and pick up. What I mean is he won't be taking him out of town to his loser friends. But if he has him for a weekend and stoner friend calls and asks if he wants to go boating with him he'd be ok, great. I'll have to bring my son though....he can bring us beer when we're out.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 30, 2014 13:22:57 GMT -5
MPL, as others have pointed out, having him living with you actually gives him more freedom and you less control. Right now, he does not have free access to your son, nor can he just pack him up and take him somewhere. He is only allowed around your son when you are present. You can best control what your son is exposed to in your current situation. You can't control your ex whether he lives with you or not. Ever. I just dont think this supervised visitation is going to go on for forever. He started petitioning the court just a few weeks after being cut loose, and MN sucks as far as really pushing to have even unfit parents get plenty of unsupervised time. They also will give him a 10% break on his child support then so another incentive for him. He's petitioning; however, his petition has not been granted. Why not wait to see if it's granted before determining the granting is a foregone conclusion?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 30, 2014 13:23:07 GMT -5
What I mean is he won't be taking him out of town to his loser friends. But if he has him for a weekend and stoner friend calls and asks if he wants to go boating with him he'd be ok, great
What's stopping him from doing that if he lives with you? Are you going to physically restrain him if he chose to try to leave the house with your son on a Saturday?
Or worse now that he has a crash pad what is to stop him from inviting THEM over while you're at work or on a weekend?
No offense but if you're already thinking you can control him by letting him live with you, I can see him convincing you (or you convincing yourself) that it's way better for his friends to be over at your house so you can control what they do too.
You can't control other people. . period. The harder you try the more you will fail.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:24:02 GMT -5
FwIw, I'm not really considering moving him home. I just am struggling with this new life.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 13:24:54 GMT -5
And how do you plan on doing that when you are at work? He goes to daycare. I have always done drop off and pick up. What I mean is he won't be taking him out of town to his loser friends. But if he has him for a weekend and stoner friend calls and asks if he wants to go boating with him he'd be ok, great. I'll have to bring my son though....he can bring us beer when we're out. He's dad. He can pick him up at daycare.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 13:26:41 GMT -5
MPL, as others have pointed out, having him living with you actually gives him more freedom and you less control. Right now, he does not have free access to your son, nor can he just pack him up and take him somewhere. He is only allowed around your son when you are present. You can best control what your son is exposed to in your current situation. You can't control your ex whether he lives with you or not. Ever. I just dont think this supervised visitation is going to go on for forever. He started petitioning the court just a few weeks after being cut loose, and MN sucks as far as really pushing to have even unfit parents get plenty of unsupervised time. They also will give him a 10% break on his child support then so another incentive for him. from your previous posts, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of time telling you he is going to petition the court, but never follows through.
You also have information about him hanging out with drug dealers, which probably won't look to good next court appearance.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:30:39 GMT -5
He goes to daycare. I have always done drop off and pick up. What I mean is he won't be taking him out of town to his loser friends. But if he has him for a weekend and stoner friend calls and asks if he wants to go boating with him he'd be ok, great. I'll have to bring my son though....he can bring us beer when we're out. He's dad. He can pick him up at daycare. not if she has a custody agreement that says he can't
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:31:55 GMT -5
What I mean is he won't be taking him out of town to his loser friends. But if he has him for a weekend and stoner friend calls and asks if he wants to go boating with him he'd be ok, greatWhat's stopping him from doing that if he lives with you? Are you going to physically restrain him if he chose to try to leave the house with your son on a Saturday? Or worse now that he has a crash pad what is to stop him from inviting THEM over while you're at work or on a weekend? No offense but if you're already thinking you can control him by letting him live with you, I can see him convincing you (or you convincing yourself) that it's way better for his friends to be over at your house so you can control what they do too. You can't control other people. . period. The harder you try the more you will fail. I just know he wouldn't. He tries to hide that part of his life from me. He didnt invite any of them to our wedding or ever to anything at our house.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 13:33:44 GMT -5
He's dad. He can pick him up at daycare. not if she has a custody agreement that says he can't If they're back together, the custody agreement isn't valid. You can't have an agreement when you live together.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 30, 2014 13:34:20 GMT -5
I just know he wouldn't
How much would you be willing to bet on that?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:38:04 GMT -5
I just dont think this supervised visitation is going to go on for forever. He started petitioning the court just a few weeks after being cut loose, and MN sucks as far as really pushing to have even unfit parents get plenty of unsupervised time. They also will give him a 10% break on his child support then so another incentive for him. from your previous posts, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of time telling you he is going to petition the court, but never follows through.
You also have information about him hanging out with drug dealers, which probably won't look to good next court appearance.
I don't know that I have any proof he hangs with drug dealers. I know he is, but nothing I can tell court. As far as court. He just sucks at it. We had a court date a couple weeks ago but he didnt know he had to have me formally served so I just refused to go. It was rescheduled for August. He has letters from his counselor and psychiatrist saying he is stable and capable of parenting unsupervised.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 13:39:29 GMT -5
from your previous posts, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of time telling you he is going to petition the court, but never follows through.
You also have information about him hanging out with drug dealers, which probably won't look to good next court appearance.
I don't know that I have any proof he hangs with drug dealers. I know he is, but nothing I can tell court. As far as court. He just sucks at it. We had a court date a couple weeks ago but he didnt know he had to have me formally served so I just refused to go. It was rescheduled for August. He has letters from his counselor and psychiatrist saying he is stable and capable of parenting unsupervised. Letters aren't admissible in Court. He needs the people to come testify.
And if he can't get service right, he will never get subpoenaing people right.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 13:48:29 GMT -5
I don't know that I have any proof he hangs with drug dealers. I know he is, but nothing I can tell court. As far as court. He just sucks at it. We had a court date a couple weeks ago but he didnt know he had to have me formally served so I just refused to go. It was rescheduled for August. He has letters from his counselor and psychiatrist saying he is stable and capable of parenting unsupervised. Letters aren't admissible in Court. He needs the people to come testify.
And if he can't get service right, he will never get subpoenaing people right.
That's kind of my hope. Of course, eventually one of his attorney brothers might step in to help.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 30, 2014 14:00:08 GMT -5
Of course, eventually one of his attorney brothers might step in to help
Or they might not.
So stop letting him scare you with the threat of taking you to court. From what Swap has said the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on because he can't even figure out the paperwork.
If by some miracle he does get his stuff together and/or somebody decides to help him pro bono THEN you'll have something to actually worry about.
You hold a lot more power here than you seem to realize. You need to remind yourself of that next time you start thinking it'd be easier/better for him to move back in with you or if he wants to do something with your son your disapprove of.
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