Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 14:04:34 GMT -5
He does have a pro bono attorney but for some reason he's not using him.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770 
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jun 30, 2014 14:04:36 GMT -5
MPL, drug use is cumulative. As long as he's using his need to use will escalate. Nobody, even the drug user, can possibly guess what a drug user will do under the right set of circumstances. There comes that turning point where only the drugs really matter. Then, anything goes. If he's still hanging with those folks, and if that's where he chose to stay when he didn't have a place, I'd be willing to bet the farm he's still using. All the earmarks are there.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jun 30, 2014 14:06:26 GMT -5
He does have a pro bono attorney but for some reason he's not using him. I wonder if it might be because the pro bono attorney isn't telling him what he wants to hear ... |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 14:17:57 GMT -5
He does have a pro bono attorney but for some reason he's not using him. I wonder if it might be because the pro bono attorney isn't telling him what he wants to hear ... Honestly, I don't think he realizes he still has a free attorney. He represented him in the criminal case and the divorce and told me he would continue to work with him pro bono but I don't think ex processed that info. He's still listed as the attorney on all the court actions but I don't think he calls him. As far as drugs. I think he is still clean except for maybe alcohol. Hes pn probation and applying for jobs so he's getting tested all the time. |
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jun 30, 2014 14:22:36 GMT -5
There are some drugs that don't necessarily show up in drug tests, and there are ways to get around being incriminated by drug tests, MPL. Druggies know this.
If he doesn't know he has an attorney and is representing himself you don't have much to worry about. I'd go on living MY life and putting my children and myself first. Let him wallow in the mess he's made for himself. Don't let him drag you and the kids any further into it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 14:23:26 GMT -5
Freedom!!! Older son took younger on the train and to play mini golf. The kids are all running amok here. Might as well add mine to the fray.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 30, 2014 14:32:31 GMT -5
Honestly, I don't think he realizes he still has a free attorney.
Isn't your problem and personally I wouldn't educate him. If he wanted what he claims bad enough he'd figure out how to serve you properly and take advantage of what is available to him legally.
I think going to court is more of a scare tactic because he figured out a long time ago you'll jump every time he says "boo". This is the newest manipulative tactic he has.
While I can understand it's a scary notion that he might get what he wants, look at the reality of the situation not what you FEAR is going to happen. In reality the guy can't even bother to find out if he still has a lawyer and thinks he can represent himself despite not even being able to file paperwork.
Unless he gets his act together you don't have a lot to worry about. Stop giving him more power than he has. You hold all the cards here because you're the sane parent, keep tabs on your lawyer and follow his instructions. As Judge Judy says "She with the paperwork wins".
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 14:46:41 GMT -5
There are some drugs that don't necessarily show up in drug tests, and there are ways to get around being incriminated by drug tests, MPL. Druggies know this. If he doesn't know he has an attorney and is representing himself you don't have much to worry about. I'd go on living MY life and putting my children and myself first. Let him wallow in the mess he's made for himself. Don't let him drag you and the kids any further into it. All he ever used was weed and alcohol. He abused his prescription xanax and klonopin but doesnt have a script for them anymore, and they show up. |
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jun 30, 2014 14:47:31 GMT -5
I'm sorry things are tough right now. I can sympathize. But remember you are an awesome mother!
Also remember that he hasn't really changed. Sure things might be better for a month or two, but there will always be a backslide. Can't remember if you have been down that road, but I have. And every backslide came sooner than the one before & often they were worse than the one before.
I also know that it can feel like you have more control when you are in the same house, but in the end you really don't. Then there is no custody agreement that says he can't take the boy off camping for 2 weeks even if you object. Remember that if you got back together, things are going to be good until the day they aren't - And on that day all hell might break loose, at which point living together without a custody agreement is a bad situation.
You are just grieving right now & going through a tough period. It can really hurt when there is this feeling that the other person is moving on & you are stuck all alone. It will get better, although you will probably go through periods like this for a long time. Grief sucks & moving on sucks. But, moving backwards just hoping things will be better this time isn't a good answer.
In the future I would sit at a different table if going to dinner just to avoid resurfacing feelings until you have truly moved on.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,619
|
Post by swamp on Jun 30, 2014 15:06:19 GMT -5
He does have a pro bono attorney but for some reason he's not using him. because his pro bono attorney knows there is no change of circumstances to warrant changing the visits and he's not going to waste his time. |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 15:44:08 GMT -5
Freedom!!! Older son took younger on the train and to play mini golf. The kids are all running amok here. Might as well add mine to the fray. And it started pouring so they're back... |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 19:19:56 GMT -5
not if she has a custody agreement that says he can't If they're back together, the custody agreement isn't valid. You can't have an agreement when you live together.
are they back together? I missed that.... |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 23:56:43 GMT -5
Have you seen the letters? I have never experienced a counselor or psychiatrist to be that declarative! Do you have an attorney? You can tell the judge of your concerns. As long as you aren't being a drama queen you will be heard. While you would like nothing better than your child to have a healthy and normal relationship with his father, you are aware that a very important part of addiction recovery is for the addict to distance themselves from that former lifestyle. Unfortunately your ex brought it to your attention that he has a continuing relationship with an individual known to you as his drug supplier. You are extremely concerned about what this means to his recovery path and that it significantly compromises your belief that he is being truthful with his counselor or psychiatrist. You are of course first and foremost concerned for the care and safety of your child and are appropriately cautious of a false recovery due to the physically abusive nature of Mr X's prior decline. |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 7:16:28 GMT -5
He didn't really bring it to my attention though. Do I tell a judge I was snooping through his phone records without his knowledge? That seems like more of a strike against me than him.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 12:16:54 GMT -5
MPL, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please understand, though, that all those happy families you see, they are going through sh*t, too. You just don't know it. We aren't exactly a society that wears scarlet letters on our shirts to make all our transgressions known to everyone. I also think you need to rethink your strategy of not letting anyone in. A therapist is great. But, frankly, you need to figuring out a way to lean on others to give yourself a break. I KNOW it's hard. I was raised where you don't ask for help. That was being weak. Asking for help was seen as a sign of failure. But when you ask for help, OMG, it's amazing. I'm now a believer. Our life has actually been richer emotionally since we don't do it on our own... I forgot if your younger son is going to a 4K program next year, or if he's staying with his sitter. If he's going in a 4K program, I'd cultivate the mommy friendships and get play dates set up. Does your older son know any one that babysits? I'd be shocked that there is absolutely NO business/non-profit organization in or near Rochester that offers some babysitting/parents night out services. You ARE going to have to figure out how to give yourself breaks. ETA: It's OK to be disappointed that your mom is too tired to pitch in. Not every grandparent is hands on...And, if you haven't let people in, your "picker" for who is "safe" and who isn't may be a little off. I had friends that I learned really weren't friends when DH and I were going through our stuff. That's OK too. That just meant I had to do a little more to figure it out. Rochester probably has a lot of stuff but I'm 50 miles from there. I mentioned that town because that's where the exes loser friends are. |
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,143
|
Post by giramomma on Jul 1, 2014 13:12:03 GMT -5
MPL, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please understand, though, that all those happy families you see, they are going through sh*t, too. You just don't know it. We aren't exactly a society that wears scarlet letters on our shirts to make all our transgressions known to everyone. I also think you need to rethink your strategy of not letting anyone in. A therapist is great. But, frankly, you need to figuring out a way to lean on others to give yourself a break. I KNOW it's hard. I was raised where you don't ask for help. That was being weak. Asking for help was seen as a sign of failure. But when you ask for help, OMG, it's amazing. I'm now a believer. Our life has actually been richer emotionally since we don't do it on our own... I forgot if your younger son is going to a 4K program next year, or if he's staying with his sitter. If he's going in a 4K program, I'd cultivate the mommy friendships and get play dates set up. Does your older son know any one that babysits? I'd be shocked that there is absolutely NO business/non-profit organization in or near Rochester that offers some babysitting/parents night out services. You ARE going to have to figure out how to give yourself breaks. ETA: It's OK to be disappointed that your mom is too tired to pitch in. Not every grandparent is hands on...And, if you haven't let people in, your "picker" for who is "safe" and who isn't may be a little off. I had friends that I learned really weren't friends when DH and I were going through our stuff. That's OK too. That just meant I had to do a little more to figure it out. Rochester probably has a lot of stuff but I'm 50 miles from there. I mentioned that town because that's where the exes loser friends are. Shoot! Sorry. I thought you were closer than that! I'd still look into recruiting one of your DS's friends to watch the wee one so you get break. It's so important for you to take care of yourself. |
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 1, 2014 15:15:08 GMT -5
Ok.... MPL they've all said it better than I can but I'll say it again... DON'T let him scare you with court threats. My ex did the same to me, but he was too busy drinking to be bothered. I still have custody and about 5 months until the kid is 18, he was 4ish when we split. You will never be able to control what happens when your child is outside your presence, whether he's with his father, at school or with friends when he's older. Start getting used to it and over it. Can we back up, though? Which cousin of Carl's went to any early grave?? One we hear about regularly? Did I miss something?  |
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,937
|
Post by taz157 on Jul 1, 2014 18:32:52 GMT -5
Can we back up, though? Which cousin of Carl's went to any early grave?? One we hear about regularly? Did I miss something? Yeah that! Calling Carl!!! |
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jul 1, 2014 18:42:04 GMT -5
Ok.... MPL they've all said it better than I can but I'll say it again... DON'T let him scare you with court threats. My ex did the same to me, but he was too busy drinking to be bothered. I still have custody and about 5 months until the kid is 18, he was 4ish when we split. You will never be able to control what happens when your child is outside your presence, whether he's with his father, at school or with friends when he's older. Start getting used to it and over it. This guys got nothing else going on right now other than to bother her and pull her chain. Once he finds himself a new squeeze or gets some income going so he can resume his drug of choice...she and the kid will be off his radar. He will drift off, like many NCDs do, rack up a hefty back child support tab and be a relatively non existent entity after a period of time. He will probably turn up here and there when he's broke or has nothing else to do, but the notion that they will get back together and it will all be great and ride off into the sunset is ridiculous...as is the fear that any court on the planet is going to change custody. |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 22:23:42 GMT -5
Ugh. He's texting me telling me how much he misses me and how we can make this work.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 22:29:13 GMT -5
Ok.... MPL they've all said it better than I can but I'll say it again... DON'T let him scare you with court threats. My ex did the same to me, but he was too busy drinking to be bothered. I still have custody and about 5 months until the kid is 18, he was 4ish when we split. You will never be able to control what happens when your child is outside your presence, whether he's with his father, at school or with friends when he's older. Start getting used to it and over it. This guys got nothing else going on right now other than to bother her and pull her chain. Once he finds himself a new squeeze or gets some income going so he can resume his drug of choice...she and the kid will be off his radar. He will drift off, like many NCDs do, rack up a hefty back child support tab and be a relatively non existent entity after a period of time. He will probably turn up here and there when he's broke or has nothing else to do, but the notion that they will get back together and it will all be great and ride off into the sunset is ridiculous...as is the fear that any court on the planet is going to change custody. He's not your typical deadbeat dad. He has a weird obsession with our son. Its why he isnt speaking with one brother (assaulted him after accidentally knocking our son down) and part of the reason he spent 6 months in jail. He isnt smart but I dont see him just going away either. |
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jul 1, 2014 22:40:10 GMT -5
Ugh. He's texting me telling me how much he misses me and how we can make this work. We've told you he's manipulating you, MPL. Don't let it continue. |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 22:58:58 GMT -5
I wish I knew how.  He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 23:26:56 GMT -5
I wish I knew how.  He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. Here is a trick; Next time you feel horrible how about remembering him knocking you out? He is manipulating you, telling you how it was good until YOU messed it up, how you could be the perfect family again if only YOU would let him back in. Does that sound familiar? He is a changed man, he knows what he did wrong, fixed it and it will never ever happen again. He missed you and the boy, he needs a father figure around, a boy needs his father... why aren't you letting him fix this? YOU are not the problem, YOU fixed it already by kicking him out, YOU are on the right path. He needs to find his own path and you need to make it clear to him that the only thing left for you 2 to discuss is time to meet him and where so he can spend time with his son. Nothing else, nothing more... Stay strong; again you have made it further than many women in your shoes which is kick him out and divorce him. Be strong! |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 23:33:41 GMT -5
He didn't really bring it to my attention though. Do I tell a judge I was snooping through his phone records without his knowledge? That seems like more of a strike against me than him. Oh sorry! I misunderstood your post. I thought when you said he slipped and mentioned the girl helping him clean his apartment, that was the drug dealer! No snooping his phone isn't good. Were you playing detective when you were married too? It is unhealthy to do that. You made your choice, it is a good one. Have faith and move your life forward. He will only drag you backward. |
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Jul 2, 2014 0:01:17 GMT -5
I wish I knew how. He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. You did not make a mistake. I got texts like these for years, seemed to come and go, but would get really bad if he was drinking. Then when I'd keep saying no, he'd get pissed at me and I'd feel bad. But I kept saying no anyway. Eventually he apologized, and I haven't gotten any texts like that for several months now. You have to keep saying no. It sucks to remember the bad times, but do it. Force yourself to think of every bad thing he did to you. Now is not the time to "move on" from the bad things because you need to remember them vividly to keep from considering going back. Over time you'll be able to "forgive", and maybe even forget a little. But don't forget now. Don't forget until you are strong enough to say no without having to remember the bad stuff. It sucks. I've been in a similar spot. It still sucks. But don't even be wishy-washy about it. No "I wish it could be different", no "maybe", just keep saying no. Ignore the texts until daylight (yes, this will probably piss him off or freak him out), but things seem to be easier to deal with in the daylight. You're not the first one to deal with this, and you won't be the last. But you CAN deal with it! |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 2:56:33 GMT -5
I wish I knew how. He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. You did not make a mistake. I got texts like these for years, seemed to come and go, but would get really bad if he was drinking. Then when I'd keep saying no, he'd get pissed at me and I'd feel bad. But I kept saying no anyway. Eventually he apologized, and I haven't gotten any texts like that for several months now. You have to keep saying no. It sucks to remember the bad times, but do it. Force yourself to think of every bad thing he did to you. Now is not the time to "move on" from the bad things because you need to remember them vividly to keep from considering going back. Over time you'll be able to "forgive", and maybe even forget a little. But don't forget now. Don't forget until you are strong enough to say no without having to remember the bad stuff. It sucks. I've been in a similar spot. It still sucks. But don't even be wishy-washy about it. No "I wish it could be different", no "maybe", just keep saying no. Ignore the texts until daylight (yes, this will probably piss him off or freak him out), but things seem to be easier to deal with in the daylight. You're not the first one to deal with this, and you won't be the last. But you CAN deal with it! What she said! And I know sometimes you doubt it and slightly hope it will change. I know, my cousin was there. She wished it would change but it never did. She swore to her mom he was a changed man, but that was a lie. So she avoided family and friends so she did not have to explain herself or fill judge. And that was our fault, we let her down... 2 years later it still hurts, it still hurts seeing her kids that did not have to lose a mother, it still hurts to know she was barely in her 30's and did not have to die, And it hurts even more to know he is out there a free man while he left his wife internally bleed to death on their kitchen floor and disappeared for 3 days... But not enough to lock him up! I know the worse case scenario and you don't want to be it. My mom did the whole stick around for the kids till the abuse moved on to the kids and she left... But she should have left long before. You are on the right path, don't let him make you doubt yourself. And I am serious when I say if at anytime you want to waiver: close your eyes and remember the last time he knocked you out. And imagine your son walking in on that. I still remember clearly being 3 walking in on my dad beating my mom like his punching bag, she thinks I am making it up because I was too young to remember. I do, up to me running out and yelling for help and the neighbors getting involved, I remember all of it now at 29 as if it was yesterday. Stick to your guns! |
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,937
|
Post by taz157 on Jul 2, 2014 4:25:03 GMT -5
2 years later it still hurts, it still hurts seeing her kids that did not have to lose a mother, it still hurts to know she was barely in her 30's and did not have to die, And it hurts even more to know he is out there a free man while he left his wife internally bleed to death on their kitchen floor and disappeared for 3 days... But not enough to lock him up! Is this the same woman who went into a psych unit a couple of years ago because she worked a ton, but her a DH was a unemployed jerk? And imagine your son walking in on that. I still remember clearly being 3 walking in on my dad beating my mom like his punching bag, she thinks I am making it up because I was too young to remember. I do, up to me running out and yelling for help and the neighbors getting involved, I remember all of it now at 29 as if it was yesterday. No kid should walk in that any age.    |
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 6:46:56 GMT -5
I shut off my phone last night and had older son hide my glasses. Even if I had been tempted to turn it back on I wouldnt have been able to read it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:26:54 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 6:54:05 GMT -5
He didn't really bring it to my attention though. Do I tell a judge I was snooping through his phone records without his knowledge? That seems like more of a strike against me than him. Oh sorry! I misunderstood your post. I thought when you said he slipped and mentioned the girl helping him clean his apartment, that was the drug dealer! No snooping his phone isn't good. Were you playing detective when you were married too? It is unhealthy to do that. You made your choice, it is a good one. Have faith and move your life forward. He will only drag you backward. I was playing detective a lot the last year and a half of the marriage. It was consuming. |
|
He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. 
He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. 
