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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:14:50 GMT -5
I know I'll get my ass handed to me here, but I need to hear it. Last night my ex and I took our son out to dinner. We were talking and he was telling me the story of discovering older son's teeth in his stuff (older son likes to keep them in a container after they fall out and they accidentally were added to one of the camper totes). Well, apparently it was a "girl that was helping him clean his new apartment" that came across them. He immediately started acting like this was probably something he shouldn't have brought up and I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, I mean literally sick. I went from not caring what the hell he did to back to my old obsessive worrying. I DON"T KNOW WHY! Last night I paid for a phone look-up and searched all his calls. There were a lot to his friend's wife. He had spent a lot of last summer living in a camper in their driveway and I heard that that almost broke up their marriage, but I had assumed it was because she was sick of having a homeless guy in her driveway...but maybe the real reason was she LIKED having him there. I still don't know what I'm so upset about. I'm not sure if it's him seeing someone (which I don't even know if he really is) of it's because it's her. This is not a quality person. She has two daughters and the 16 year old is a hot mess that she doesn't even try to control. We're talking my husband used to buy drugs from her (the daughter). I do not want my son around these people ever! I'm having these thoughts that it would be better to get back together so I could control that. I know I'm being an idiot. I know that. Which is why I'm coming clean here before I completely spiral out of control. This would be so much easier if it wasn't for having our son to worry about. I'm leaving for vacation later this morning, but I'm sure there will be wifi there, so feel free to tell me what a spineless loser I am for crying over this. Actually, I already feel that way, so maybe a little advice on how to stop feeling this way would be appreciated. I was doing so well it seemed, being all hard-ass, screw him, then BAM!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:15:36 GMT -5
After rereading, it seems like a lot of rambling nonsense.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 9:17:48 GMT -5
How old is your son, MPL?
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 28, 2014 9:17:55 GMT -5
Well, I'd be worried, too. How old is your oldest son ?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:19:30 GMT -5
My oldest son is 12, but he's only his stepdad, so he never sees him. Our son just turned 4 last week.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 9:20:17 GMT -5
You feelings are normal. BECAUSE you are the type of person who married for life and put your whole heart and soul into it so that of course this is going to feel like being punched in the gut even you though you know this was coming. Having said that, this will get easier over time as it really sinks into your heart and brain they type of person he really is, unfortunately. However, part of the issues of divorce is that he then goes on to live his life and you yours and neither of you has much say in what goes on in each others' lives. You will not be able to control all of the people he exposes your son too. That is just reality. Yes, if there is a dangerous, unsafe situation, etc, you can bring that to a judge and go for full custody. But that may be out of your hands. And, at some point you are going to have rest assured that you know you are raising your son well and he can get past some of these bad influences.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jun 28, 2014 9:23:05 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:23:19 GMT -5
And, at some point you are going to have rest assured that you know you are raising your son well and he can get past some of these bad influences. But, what if I'm not good enough to do that? What if I really do suck as a Mom? I'm stretched so thin, I'm so tired all the time.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 9:25:21 GMT -5
You don't suck as a mom. That fact that you are worried about sucking as a mom proves that you don't!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 9:28:40 GMT -5
Moving back in with the ex isn't going to change the ex, MPL. You know that. He'll be no different than he's ever been. You can't control what another person does no matter how badly you may wish to do so. If you're really worried about your son being around these people (I would be!) I'd let the ex know you don't like it and the result may be going back to court for full custody if he exposes the boy to these people. Getting yourself embroiled in the mess that is your ex, MPL, just isn't an option. That wouldn't be good for anyone!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:31:58 GMT -5
Moving back in with the ex isn't going to change the ex, MPL. You know that. He'll be no different than he's ever been. You can't control what another person does no matter how badly you may wish to do so. If you're really worried about your son being around these people (I would be!) I'd let the ex know you don't like it and the result may be going back to court for full custody if he exposes the boy to these people. Getting yourself embroiled in the mess that is your ex, MPL, just isn't an option. That wouldn't be good for anyone! He never hung out with these people when we were married. And if he did go to their house it wouldn't be with our son. I already have full custody. He only has supervised visitation for now, but he's (sort of) fighting that. I say sort of because he hasn't hired an attorney yet and kind of sucks at being one himself.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 9:34:43 GMT -5
ANd, having him back in your home would then mean your son had to live with all the chaos of HIS life 24/7 which would be far more damaging in the long run.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 9:41:41 GMT -5
Moving back in with the ex isn't going to change the ex, MPL. You know that. He'll be no different than he's ever been. You can't control what another person does no matter how badly you may wish to do so. If you're really worried about your son being around these people (I would be!) I'd let the ex know you don't like it and the result may be going back to court for full custody if he exposes the boy to these people. Getting yourself embroiled in the mess that is your ex, MPL, just isn't an option. That wouldn't be good for anyone! He never hung out with these people when we were married. And if he did go to their house it wouldn't be with our son. I already have full custody. He only has supervised visitation for now, but he's (sort of) fighting that. I say sort of because he hasn't hired an attorney yet and kind of sucks at being one himself. If he abuses the visiting privileges, those privileges can be revoked. He needs to understand that. If he's only entitled to supervised visitation at this time, is there mention of who can serve as "supervision"? These folks definitely wouldn't fit that picture from the sounds of it.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Jun 28, 2014 9:42:25 GMT -5
After rereading, it seems like a lot of rambling nonsense. Like me almost sounds, right?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 28, 2014 9:42:47 GMT -5
Moving back in with the ex isn't going to change the ex, MPL. You know that. He'll be no different than he's ever been. You can't control what another person does no matter how badly you may wish to do so. If you're really worried about your son being around these people (I would be!) I'd let the ex know you don't like it and the result may be going back to court for full custody if he exposes the boy to these people. Getting yourself embroiled in the mess that is your ex, MPL, just isn't an option. That wouldn't be good for anyone! He never hung out with these people when we were married. And if he did go to their house it wouldn't be with our son. I already have full custody. He only has supervised visitation for now, but he's (sort of) fighting that. I say sort of because he hasn't hired an attorney yet and kind of sucks at being one himself. I'm a little confused - when did he buy drugs from the daughter? Not that it matters. Can I ask what makes you think you can control anything that he does. Please please get this thought out of your head for your own good and the good of your son. As for being a good mother, you sound like you have your son's best interest at heart and that is what you have to keep in mind thru all this craziness. And getting back with a drug addict doesn't fit that bill IMHO
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 28, 2014 9:47:29 GMT -5
"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:48:13 GMT -5
He never hung out with these people when we were married. And if he did go to their house it wouldn't be with our son. I already have full custody. He only has supervised visitation for now, but he's (sort of) fighting that. I say sort of because he hasn't hired an attorney yet and kind of sucks at being one himself. If he abuses the visiting privileges, those privileges can be revoked. He needs to understand that. If he's only entitled to supervised visitation at this time, is there mention of who can serve as "supervision"? These folks definitely wouldn't fit that picture from the sounds of it. No. Since he's been released it's just been me as the supervisor. I've never let him take him anywhere but church or the YMCA and I transported. That can't go on forever though. And I can't go to court and say I don't like his friends.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 28, 2014 9:48:22 GMT -5
It sounds like what you're going through is actually pretty normal - not happy, not fun, but normal. Lots of people waffle about break-ups and divorces. And guilt about kids make it messier. The only thing I WOULD hand your ass to you for would be to "take him back so you can control the situation." Ugh and Ugh and Ugh (and Ugh again). Read that again. Control the the situation? Remember that you couldn't control the situation when you were together? What on Gods Green Acres makes you think you could get back some kind of control of him? (Okay, ass-handing over ) Don't. Please just don't. Stay strong. This is just a bump in the emotional road - you will get through this. You have a plan and a road - stick to it. Don't let pull you off the road so that you both have to drift in the woods. Good luck and hugs to you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:49:16 GMT -5
"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily." I wish I could! Alcohol triggers my migraines now. I have to endure all this sober or sick.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:51:17 GMT -5
It sounds like what you're going through is actually pretty normal - not happy, not fun, but normal. Lots of people waffle about break-ups and divorces. And guilt about kids make it messier. The only thing I WOULD hand your ass to you for would be to "take him back so you can control the situation." Ugh and Ugh and Ugh (and Ugh again). Read that again. Control the the situation? Remember that you couldn't control the situation when you were together? What on Gods Green Acres makes you think you could get back some kind of control of him? (Okay, ass-handing over ) Don't. Please just don't. Stay strong. This is just a bump in the emotional road - you will get through this. You have a plan and a road - stick to it. Don't let pull you off the road so that you both have to drift in the woods. Good luck and hugs to you. Well, I know I couldn't control HIM, but he wouldn't be taking our son anywhere I didn't know about.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 9:52:48 GMT -5
He never hung out with these people when we were married. And if he did go to their house it wouldn't be with our son. I already have full custody. He only has supervised visitation for now, but he's (sort of) fighting that. I say sort of because he hasn't hired an attorney yet and kind of sucks at being one himself. I'm a little confused - when did he buy drugs from the daughter? Not that it matters. Well, I guess we were married, but it was after the protection order was in place and we were separated. He was living in their camper in their driveway most of last summer.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 9:53:07 GMT -5
Last night my ex and I took our son out to dinner.
MPL I am saying this in all sincerity and with concern. Why are you "dating" the ex? (Taking your son doesn't make it not a date)
All of this angst could have been avoided if you maintained some distance Furthermore, your ex might well be playing mind games with you. Certainly he knows you well enough to predict your reaction.
I would urge you to limit all contact with him. I know you have to supervise visitation, but going to dinner with him crosses the line (imo).
Another reason to find another supervisor
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:01:10 GMT -5
I'm with GG. Also please see a counselor. This is not healthy behavior. sorry, but I worry. OMG, posted early... Take him back !! ... No way... If you are thinking this way, he is probably manipulating you into thinking this way.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:05:31 GMT -5
Last night my ex and I took our son out to dinner.MPL I am saying this in all sincerity and with concern. Why are you "dating" the ex? (Taking your son doesn't make it not a date) All of this angst could have been avoided if you maintained some distance Furthermore, your ex might well be playing mind games with you. Certainly he knows you well enough to predict your reaction. I would urge you to limit all contact with him. I know you have to supervise visitation, but going to dinner with him crosses the line (imo). Another reason to find another supervisor I guess I don't know what else to do? I'm supposed to be with whenever he has him. DS has been asking him to go to the Chinese buffet and I really didn't want to just sit in the car while they went in to eat. He did pay for my food, but a couple weeks ago I had given him an extra ticket I had for a chicken Q so he was paying me back. I had inquired about the visitation center, but they require us each to pay half. We're on a waiting list for the "free" visitation, but they said there are so many and ours is not considered a priority since he was never convicted of any of the domestic violence charges.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:08:01 GMT -5
At least take along a friend or relative who is completely in your side and will shut that shit down if he brings it up..
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 10:12:03 GMT -5
If he abuses the visiting privileges, those privileges can be revoked. He needs to understand that. If he's only entitled to supervised visitation at this time, is there mention of who can serve as "supervision"? These folks definitely wouldn't fit that picture from the sounds of it. No. Since he's been released it's just been me as the supervisor. I've never let him take him anywhere but church or the YMCA and I transported. That can't go on forever though. And I can't go to court and say I don't like his friends. If it were me, "that" could go on forever, if need be. There's no way I'd let my child go anywhere with this man unless I was there. You can, indeed, go to court and say you don't like his friends if you have proof you have a very good reason that involves the well-being of your son!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 28, 2014 10:12:28 GMT -5
Last night my ex and I took our son out to dinner.MPL I am saying this in all sincerity and with concern. Why are you "dating" the ex? (Taking your son doesn't make it not a date) All of this angst could have been avoided if you maintained some distance Furthermore, your ex might well be playing mind games with you. Certainly he knows you well enough to predict your reaction. I would urge you to limit all contact with him. I know you have to supervise visitation, but going to dinner with him crosses the line (imo). Another reason to find another supervisor I guess I don't know what else to do? I'm supposed to be with whenever he has him. DS has been asking him to go to the Chinese buffet and I really didn't want to just sit in the car while they went in to eat. He did pay for my food, but a couple weeks ago I had given him an extra ticket I had for a chicken Q so he was paying me back. I had inquired about the visitation center, but they require us each to pay half. We're on a waiting list for the "free" visitation, but they said there are so many and ours is not considered a priority since he was never convicted of any of the domestic violence charges. Was this a "scheduled visitation"? If not then I agree with Gardening Grandma.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:13:29 GMT -5
I don't really have any friends outside of here that knows what's going on. Family is a definite no. They are very hands off when it comes to others relationships...and they don't really know much either.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:15:26 GMT -5
I guess I don't know what else to do? I'm supposed to be with whenever he has him. DS has been asking him to go to the Chinese buffet and I really didn't want to just sit in the car while they went in to eat. He did pay for my food, but a couple weeks ago I had given him an extra ticket I had for a chicken Q so he was paying me back. I had inquired about the visitation center, but they require us each to pay half. We're on a waiting list for the "free" visitation, but they said there are so many and ours is not considered a priority since he was never convicted of any of the domestic violence charges. Was this a "scheduled visitation"? If not then I agree with Gardening Grandma. We don't have a visitation schedule. The court order says I am to give him reasonable supervised parenting time. Period. End of story. He asked early in the week if he could take him to the buffet some time. He originally wanted Wednesday or Thursday, but I was too busy.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 10:17:04 GMT -5
What's the cost to use the visitation center? Can you afford to pay your half? If you can, it's up to him to figure out a way to pay his half. I'd make sure all visits were conducted there. That way, you don't have to be around the ex and he can't manipulate you.
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