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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 16:14:35 GMT -5
I think you're doing the right thing acknowledging the feelings/thoughts that came up so unexpectedly. If you had tried to deny/suppress what you feel, it probably would just fester and linger. Imo, being honest with yourself and dealing with it is the way to go, so good for you.
I don't think your feelings and thoughts make you weak, just human. You feel what you feel, it's what you do about it that really counts imo. In this case, I think you should do nothing as far as your ex is concerned, just keep moving forward and living your life.
Almost 20 years ago my ex-FIL told me something I'll never forget. He said "To avoid the problem, avoid the situation". I've applied that wisdom to all sorts of situations. I think it's useful for you too. To avoid the problem of missing him and wistful thoughts of what might have been, avoid situations that will take you there. Avoid anything that could possibly feel like a family outing, avoid unnecessary contact with your ex, avoid conversations with him that aren't directly related to the child you 2 have together.
Take care.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 28, 2014 16:23:32 GMT -5
MPL, I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big bear hug. And I would be "the heavy" during your supervised visitation anytime. Everything you're feeling is completely normal, although I know that doesn't make it any less crappy to go through. I agree with the others who have said that it will take a long time - years - to get the trust back. If he's been off the reservation for 18 months, using drugs and being violent, I'd say it would be at least twice that amount of time, with him being on his best behavior, to be able to trust him alone with your son. It sucks that so much of his behavior is due to mental illness, but that doesn't change the result. If someone walks up to you and slaps you, your face is going to sting regardless of whether they did it because they hate you or did it because they thought you were a zombie from the planet Voltron. Your son, especially, is too young to make these distinctions, and the message that certain behavior is OK (or at least less bad) if it can't be helped due to mental illness is not a good one. You are a good mother to both your sons. Never doubt that. Truer words were never spoken and this is such good advice. Are you allowed to feel bad for him and for the lives that have been changed? Of course you are. Are you allowed to wish things were different? Absolutely. Are you allowed to still have feelings for him? You sure can. What you can't allow is to let his illness dictate the lives of your son and you any longer. Peace to you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 17:21:58 GMT -5
Well. I'm in hell. This is basically a big family fun fest. I'm surrounded by thousands of couples with their kids.
This was not my choice for a vacation but my Mom just refused to take no for an answer. I wanted to just do a road trip with me and the kids. But I got sucked in by free and the kids of course love it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 17:26:07 GMT -5
MPL Back when I was a single parent, I joined Parents Without Partners. Some people think of it as a dating service for single parents, but I formed lasting friendships with some wonderful women who had kids my age. The outings were dirt cheap (usually potluck). If you joined a local chapter, you might find outings that you and your son could enjoy. And ex could "visit" in a large group situation. Just something to look into. Edited to add, In PWP, I had a support group who had been through similar situations. Some were older, wiser and all were good listeners. It's was not a substitute for one on one counseling, but I found it hugely helpful and the price was right. Man, I hope we have something like that around me. Probably not though. My little boonies town doesn't have much.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 17:49:26 GMT -5
Well. I'm in hell. This is basically a big family fun fest. I'm surrounded by thousands of couples with their kids. This was not my choice for a vacation but my Mom just refused to take no for an answer. I wanted to just do a road trip with me and the kids. But I got sucked in by free and the kids of course love it. Give yourself a treat asap for sucking it up and letting your kids have a blast at the water park. Your treat can be as simple and inexpensive as finding time to linger in a bubble bath or whatever relaxes you and/or makes you smile. Just do something that's just for MPL.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 18:04:02 GMT -5
Well. I'm in hell. This is basically a big family fun fest. I'm surrounded by thousands of couples with their kids. This was not my choice for a vacation but my Mom just refused to take no for an answer. I wanted to just do a road trip with me and the kids. But I got sucked in by free and the kids of course love it. Give yourself a treat asap for sucking it up and letting your kids have a blast at the water park. Your treat can be as simple and inexpensive as finding time to linger in a bubble bath or whatever relaxes you and/or makes you smile. Just do something that's just for MPL. This is for FIVE DAYS!!
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Jun 28, 2014 18:40:56 GMT -5
Give yourself a treat asap for sucking it up and letting your kids have a blast at the water park. Your treat can be as simple and inexpensive as finding time to linger in a bubble bath or whatever relaxes you and/or makes you smile. Just do something that's just for MPL. This is for FIVE DAYS!! FIVE DAYS?!?!?! OMG-That would be my version of hell too!! I have no good advice beyond what's already been offered. I do know it's much easier said than done. I will say that you and your children's welfare/well-being much come first. If that means you are alone/lonely for awhile, then that sucks, but you must make sure you and your kids are safe. I wish you the best of luck in continuing to be so strong for your family.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 28, 2014 19:15:32 GMT -5
One idea - as much as it may not seem like it, I can guarantee that you are not the only single parent there - maybe look around yourself and reach out a bit - offer encouragement and support to other parents - something as simple as getting a door or a gate for someone else who is overwhelmed can be very healing to you and helpful to the other person. Just a casual word while watching the kids can be fortifying to others as well as you - we never know the realities of another persons life - sometimes that smile from you may be the only one that person receives that day.
One other thing that helps me in situations like that is to remember that everyone puts on a false front at times - much of what you see is the good side of other peoples lives - it may be negative but I always try to remind myself that no one gets out of this world alive - that everyone has problems and pain - that those happy families have just as many issues - the goal is to be able to put them aside and have fun anyway.
Wish I was there with you - as a single adult with no children of my own I always loved being part of things with my friends and their children. Sure it was time consuming and messy and crazy but it was fun too. Being able to step outside of my own self and engage with others can make time pass more swiftly and can even be enjoyable. Hope this makes sense to you - if nothing else please know that I am s sending love and hugs and support and prayers your way.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 28, 2014 20:29:28 GMT -5
I wish I lived closer to her so I can smack the shit out of her! Are you kidding me?! You've done the hardest part already. Why would you back slide into this situation again and with your kids witnessing it? I'm sorry but I watched my mother do this crap my entire life until it did her in so I'm speaking up with hopes that something gets through. 1. You need to figure out why you think this is all you deserve. 2. Put somebody you love in this situation and pretend this is what they are doing. What would you tell them to do? Would you want them jumping back into this relationship again? Would you encourage the relationship if they asked your advice? If not - then why would it be ok with you doing it? What if it was one of your kids who was grown and you watched the hell they went through. Would you think this is a good idea for them to do that? 3. You need to try to find out what your attraction is to this person. Weed out the bad and concentrate on the good parts and ONLY accept that in any future relationships whether they are romantic or just friendships. 4. You never controlled anything. It was an illusion that you both created to get whatever you both wanted from each other. YOU can NOT control him because HE can't control himself. There may be good moments but I guarantee you that you both will fall right back into your old and unhealthy patterns. and last but not the least: I would agree you sound like a good mother - usually. But if you put them back into this situation again I feel you would not be. You are setting these boys up for failure in every way. Trust me - I have 2 brothers who took after my mom and they have horrible relationships, their kids hate them and their lives are not something any normal person would want. 7 divorces between the 2 of them and that's not counting the many broken engagements and live in situations that were huge failures. You deserve better than this. You've already done the hardest parts. Please do not undo all the efforts you've made. You are smart and you know what you need to do. Please love and respect yourself enough to believe that you and your boys deserve better. Please get yourself stronger and healthier before you even consider another romantic relationship. I do wish the best for you, however, based on what you've said - this is not the best for you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 28, 2014 21:05:29 GMT -5
I don't think I can add anything useful, just wanted to say that I am so so very sorry you are going through this kind of crap again.
I'll delete this if you want, but do you remember how hard it was for you after what happened with your first husband? But you survived and eventually you were doing well and you met someone else. Remember how so freaking strong you are! Always remember that!
So wallow for as long as you need to (ESPECIALLY in that place with all the couples around), but after you done - know that you can do this!
I don't know anything about mental illness, and may be you current ex can live a healthy and productive life, but even if that is the case, it is still too early. And right now - your hands are full and you don't have any extra hands for him and he is NOT your responsibility.
Oh and you know what? Even if you are doing something crazy, like looking up his phone - who cares?? You earned it. Just be safe and don't get caught.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 23:17:23 GMT -5
Excuse me... Are you kidding me?
Girlfriend, let me pull my ghetto self out of the closet and give it to you straight.
Next time you want to get back with him remember why you guys are not together anymore.
Next time you might think there is a chance, remember his hands on you and not lovingly.
Next time you want to reminiscing over the good time, remember his fist hitting your face and knocking you out.
Next time you want to dream about the good old days remember the hell you went through.
What the hell is wrong with you? You have done the hard part already which was kick his ass to his curb and divorce him. Most women don't make it past the kick his ass out.
Don't let your feelings drag you down. You don't need him, and you can do fine without him. He just need to be a father figure to your son: nothing more nothing less.
No Lovely memories, no strolling down memory lane. You are here for a reason, you are down this path because you had to, you are better than this.
You cannot control what he does in his free time nor should you. He is your past, focus on your future. Don't let him drag you down...MOVE ON!
You've been there, done that and got the wounds to prove it. You don't want to go down that path again nor do you need a refresher course. MOVE ON!!!
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jun 28, 2014 23:32:07 GMT -5
Well. I'm in hell. This is basically a big family fun fest. I'm surrounded by thousands of couples with their kids. This was not my choice for a vacation but my Mom just refused to take no for an answer. I wanted to just do a road trip with me and the kids. But I got sucked in by free and the kids of course love it. Ahem, you ARE a family. Just because your XH isn't there doesn't mean you aren't a family and can't enjoy a big family waterpark. You and your boys are FAMILY. You don't need a marriage to be a family, you need love and healthy relationships. You are only feeling like you are in hell because in your mind you think there is a hole. There isn't one...unless you choose to perceive it that way. Change your attitude and enjoy your vacation. The kids are having a blast - dive in and have a blast with them!
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 29, 2014 9:17:38 GMT -5
My little brother tells us the reason my older brother married/divorce the same women twice each was because he didn't know the mayonnaise theory. The mayonnaise theory is that when you take mayonnaise out of the refrigerator and it is bad you don't put it back and hope it is better next time.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 29, 2014 9:20:23 GMT -5
My little brother tells us the reason my older brother married/divorce the same women twice each was because he didn't know the mayonnaise theory. The mayonnaise theory is that when you take mayonnaise out of the refrigerator and it is bad you don't put it back and hope it is better next time. Along these lines and I have said it before on other threads "some people dance to the same tune over and over again because it is the most familiar"
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 29, 2014 10:34:56 GMT -5
Excuse me... Are you kidding me? Girlfriend, let me pull my ghetto self out of the closet and give it to you straight. Next time you want to get back with him remember why you guys are not together anymore. Next time you might think there is a chance, remember his hands on you and not lovingly. Next time you want to reminiscing over the good time, remember his fist hitting your face and knocking you out. Next time you want to dream about the good old days remember the hell you went through. What the hell is wrong with you? You have done the hard part already which was kick his ass to his curb and divorce him. Most women don't make it past the kick his ass out. Don't let your feelings drag you down. You don't need him, and you can do fine without him. He just need to be a father figure to your son: nothing more nothing less. No Lovely memories, no strolling down memory lane. You are here for a reason, you are down this path because you had to, you are better than this. You cannot control what he does in his free time nor should you. He is your past, focus on your future. Don't let him drag you down...MOVE ON! You've been there, done that and got the wounds to prove it. You don't want to go down that path again nor do you need a refresher course. MOVE ON!!! I promised myself I was not going to post on this thread, but then Carl went all ghetto on it. MPL, I have to ask: why the hell do you think so little of yourself that you are involved in this...again? Why do you care so little about your self-worth and personal safety (and that of your kids) that you would risk this? Your kids will survive and thrive with consistency and stability, not seeing their one strong stable parent get dragged back into an unstable, unloving relationship...again. What they learn from this is that it's OK for people to treat each other like crap. And while I'm glad the trip ended in your kids having a good time, as someone else said, the word NO is a complete sentence. If your Mother refused to take no for an answer, you weren't firm enough or consistent enough in your answer. You're a grownup. She cannot browbeat or coerce you into doing something. Neither can your XH. Get a big shovel, dig a hole in the backyard, take whatever you have in the house that reminds you of your XH, put it in the hole and bury it. It's one thing to feel sad, anxious, overwhelmed and scared about the end of a relationship. It's another thing to keep dancing around that relationship, changing the tune a little, and hoping to re-create the dance like it used to be.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 29, 2014 10:45:13 GMT -5
Nancy has hit on the question that's been plaguing me, MPL. Why can you not seem to say: "No!", mean it, and stand by it? That would include your ex AND your mother. I'm not saying the water park was a bad idea. What I'm saying is: If you didn't want to go to the water park you had every right to refuse to go to the water park. You are living your life. Your mother is not. Take the reins and run your own life, hon. Learn to say: "No!"
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Jun 29, 2014 11:56:56 GMT -5
MPL said:
Now Im at a family water park with a gazillion people around and it just makes me more aware of how alone I am.
You need to learn to be okay when you are alone. You are a whole person when you are by yourself, not a half-person. There is nothing missing. Stop thinking you need someone to complete you. If there are a gazillion people around, you think one more is important? Enjoy the day.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 12:44:47 GMT -5
I'm ok being alone at home. It's here that sucks. The 4 year old wants to play mini golf non-stop and if he's in the pool I of course have to be with him too. There is no, "You take the kids on the paddle boats so I can shower and decompress for an hour". It's just a vacation that would be a lot more pleasant with a partner. Make it through a hot day with tons of activity, get the kids to sleep and relax with a movie or campfire and a foot rub.
Instead I have my mothers non stop ramblings. She, of course, is too tired to take them anywhere and let me sit by the camper with a cold drink.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 12:51:23 GMT -5
I am just having a hard time because the ex and I used to do things like this with the kids.
I know I would never want to be married to him again. But I don't know where all this obsessive stuff is coming from and I want it to stop.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 13:15:10 GMT -5
I am just having a hard time because the ex and I used to do things like this with the kids. I know I would never want to be married to him again. But I don't know where all this obsessive stuff is coming from and I want it to stop. You are like a little kid: you have this you that you don't care for and never want to play with. Your mommy organize a play date and your play date wants to play with that toy... Now suddenly that toy that you wouldn't waste a second on a day before is suddenly your favorite toy and you want it all to yourself. But you need to remember why you did not like that toy to begin with and why you ignored it: you would get hurt playing with it and it would make your cry. So let that toy be your play date problem and let her have it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 13:16:57 GMT -5
Can you see a therapist?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 13:27:35 GMT -5
Not "can you" but "you must" see a therapist. You don't want to go backpedal and take him back and those feelings will push you to take him back and a lot of woman do that. My cousin did that and it took her to an early grave. You don't want too...
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 29, 2014 14:32:35 GMT -5
MPL,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
Please understand, though, that all those happy families you see, they are going through sh*t, too. You just don't know it. We aren't exactly a society that wears scarlet letters on our shirts to make all our transgressions known to everyone.
I also think you need to rethink your strategy of not letting anyone in. A therapist is great. But, frankly, you need to figuring out a way to lean on others to give yourself a break.
I KNOW it's hard. I was raised where you don't ask for help. That was being weak. Asking for help was seen as a sign of failure. But when you ask for help, OMG, it's amazing. I'm now a believer. Our life has actually been richer emotionally since we don't do it on our own...
I forgot if your younger son is going to a 4K program next year, or if he's staying with his sitter. If he's going in a 4K program, I'd cultivate the mommy friendships and get play dates set up. Does your older son know any one that babysits?
I'd be shocked that there is absolutely NO business/non-profit organization in or near Rochester that offers some babysitting/parents night out services.
You ARE going to have to figure out how to give yourself breaks.
ETA: It's OK to be disappointed that your mom is too tired to pitch in. Not every grandparent is hands on...And, if you haven't let people in, your "picker" for who is "safe" and who isn't may be a little off. I had friends that I learned really weren't friends when DH and I were going through our stuff. That's OK too. That just meant I had to do a little more to figure it out.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 29, 2014 15:18:54 GMT -5
I was so hard on myself with my marriage, everything was my job and it was to be done to distinction. I never asked for help nor did I receive it. I was super mom/wife to some degree. I lost myself. Please get counseling, it was difficult for me to open up, always has been but with the right therapist they can draw those feelings out of you.
I understand to some degree where you are. It HURTS SO BAD, but please know that you are a great mommy and that things do get better.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 29, 2014 15:29:02 GMT -5
Not "can you" but "you must" see a therapist. You don't want to go backpedal and take him back and those feelings will push you to take him back and a lot of woman do that. My cousin did that and it took her to an early grave. You don't want too... I was thinking the same thing as Carl, but for a different reason. Your XH is not a trustworthy person, if there are drugs and mental illness involved. I'm not saying he's bad. Just not trustworthy. You have zero clue where is mind is or how it works right now. You cannot check his phone calls enough, monitor his activities enough and basically be his jailer. That's not your job. Whether he cannot or will not work on getting well is not your problem. You obsess because it may be your nature to do so. Some of us are just OCD that way. That's where a therapist comes in. A good therapist won't cure you, but they can help you understand why you think like you do and help you find new ways to cope. You won't be cured any more than your XH will be. But for the sake of your kids, you need treatment. Or you will continue going into the boxing ring for round after round with this problem with someone else, if not your XH, until it does kill you.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 29, 2014 15:38:12 GMT -5
Yes, it sucks to not be a couple, when being a good functioning couple is an option and you are single. However, it also sucks if you are part of a couple and you pull the full weight even though there are two of you.
Its easy to focus on what you miss. Its easy to be jealous of others who *seem* to have what you want. Emotionally, I think its best to tell yourself that you hope those experiences come back into your life and find peace/acceptance with what is now.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 29, 2014 15:49:31 GMT -5
Sometimes I think it is a kick in the gut, because you might feel 'how the heck does he deserve someone, I'm the nice one!' or some variation of that. In this case you believe you know who it might be and that gives you additional worries because you feel she & XH would be a bad combination in conjunction with seeing your child.
In other parts you said something like bringing him back in your life probably as a knee jerk reaction to this other woman you know. Right now though, you supervise all visits, and if you do your job right - he can't take your boy somewhere you don't know about. If you brought him back into your life, all that protection goes away.
You should try to figure out why it bothers you, why you are having these thoughts, and then decide how to counter-act them. You divorced him for a reason, focus on how to get to the future you want. When you remember parts of the past you miss, just acknowledge you are sad/mad/frustrated and remind yourself in the future it might be even better than the past. In other words, figure out how to make yourself strong enough to move forward.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 17:25:49 GMT -5
I can't reply very well. No WiFi. Just my phone and not the greatest service.
The vacation I should have taken was a road trip to visit various YM people. Nobody in real life knows I'm struggling. They all think Im some tough hard ass that can deal with anything. But really I'm feeling so overwhelmed.
I think the root of it is I'm worried about my son getting sucked into that world...because, let's face it. His Dads life is all about fun. He SO idolizes his Dad who spoils him rotten. Plus mental illness is rampant in ex's family so he may be predisposed to bipolar.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2014 17:32:51 GMT -5
Nancy has hit on the question that's been plaguing me, MPL. Why can you not seem to say: "No!", mean it, and stand by it? That would include your ex AND your mother. I'm not saying the water park was a bad idea. What I'm saying is: If you didn't want to go to the water park you had every right to refuse to go to the water park. You are living your life. Your mother is not. Take the reins and run your own life, hon. Learn to say: "No!" I wish you could meet my mom...ugh. She does not stop nagging until I cave. "You can't afford to go anywhere", "The kids will love it so much, don't deny them" (plus she told them allabout it so they worked on me). "I'll pay for everything". "This is so close", "You're not doing anything else". Then she just scheduled it and sent it to my outlook calendar.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Jun 29, 2014 17:39:46 GMT -5
So, just say "no, it's not open for discussion" and move on to a new subject. Ignore the calendar. You don't have to be a doormat. Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. I know firsthand it's not easy to start doing this, but the outcome is sooooo worth it!
The only reason she keeps nagging is because she knows you'll cave. Stop caving, and the nagging will eventually stop.
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