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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:21:51 GMT -5
It's $35/hour. Even just an hour a week would be a lot for me. I'm currently going in the red every month as it is. As it is I let him see him for about 4-5 hours a week. Normally two visits a week. Usually it's him hanging out at church or the Y and me going for a walk or reading, but sometimes it takes on the appearance of more of a family thing (like the dinner or when he takes him out canoeing and I prefer to be with).
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 28, 2014 10:24:21 GMT -5
We don't have a visitation schedule. The court order says I am to give him reasonable supervised parenting time. Period. End of story. He asked early in the week if he could take him to the buffet some time. He originally wanted Wednesday or Thursday, but I was too busy. I got it. Didn't know about the visitation privileges. I'll stop asking questions now... But don't doubt your capabilities at being a good mom.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 10:25:17 GMT -5
If you take him back you would then be teaching your son that this is an OK way to treat your wife and child! Think very clearly on that.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 10:26:49 GMT -5
As difficult as it is, I think I'd stop the canoeing and dinners. Meet at the church, or the Y, where there are others around and you don't have to leave the area but can still stay apart from the ex. He's got waaaay too much power over your thinking, MPL. You're not far enough removed from the past to be able to control it adequately at this point. You're being manipulated and that can be damaging to your son which is not what you, as a great, caring mother, want. I do agree with others you could benefit hugely from counselling, but don't know if there's a program in your area you can afford.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 10:27:15 GMT -5
You don't go to a Judge saying you don't "like" his friends. You go to a judge to say you don'twant your child exposed to criminal bbehavior. Big difference.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 28, 2014 10:27:30 GMT -5
...:::"Last night I paid for a phone look-up and searched all his calls.":::...
I know this is OT, but I want to ask about this... Can anyone just do this on any number?
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 10:27:49 GMT -5
At least take along a friend or relative who is completely in your side and will shut that shit down if he brings it up.. Taking another adult along will completely change the dynamic. (Why wasn't your older son with you?) And split the tab. Your message (verbal and non verbal) needs to be 'you are visiting your son' Letting him pick up the tab gives him the message you are dating and he has a chance to get back with you. (Don't accept favors and then you won't have to pay them back. One accepts favors from friends, relatives, not ex husbands)
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 10:28:47 GMT -5
...:::"Last night I paid for a phone look-up and searched all his calls.":::... I know this is OT, but I want to ask about this... Can anyone just do this on any number? If I remember correctly, his phone is in her name, WWBG.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 10:30:27 GMT -5
...:::"Last night I paid for a phone look-up and searched all his calls.":::... I know this is OT, but I want to ask about this... Can anyone just do this on any number? WWBG, pretty sure you can (unless it's unlisted). I don't think you can for cell calls. MPL This is creepy, stalking behavior. This is not the behavior of someone who is detaching.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:31:19 GMT -5
...:::"Last night I paid for a phone look-up and searched all his calls.":::... I know this is OT, but I want to ask about this... Can anyone just do this on any number? Yeah. Intelius.com and spokeo.com are pretty good for cell numbers. Sign up for the trial memberships and look up all your numbers in the week or 30 days or whatever they give you, then cancel.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 10:32:34 GMT -5
I don't really have any friends outside of here that knows what's going on. Family is a definite no. They are very hands off when it comes to others relationships...and they don't really know much either. If you really can't find someone to go with you, I'd cut the dinners.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:33:51 GMT -5
...:::"Last night I paid for a phone look-up and searched all his calls.":::... I know this is OT, but I want to ask about this... Can anyone just do this on any number? WWBG, pretty sure you can (unless it's unlisted). I don't think you can for cell calls. MPL This is creepy, stalking behavior. This is not the behavior of someone who is detaching. I KNOW IT! I hate it and don't know how to stop. Well, I was doing really well for about 6 months, then totally relapsed last night. I'm all unfocused again. I've seriously been trying to pack me and a 4 year old for a trip where darn near everything is provided and I can't get it together. I should have been gone hours ago.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:34:24 GMT -5
It sounds like what you're going through is actually pretty normal - not happy, not fun, but normal. Lots of people waffle about break-ups and divorces. And guilt about kids make it messier. The only thing I WOULD hand your ass to you for would be to "take him back so you can control the situation." Ugh and Ugh and Ugh (and Ugh again). Read that again. Control the the situation? Remember that you couldn't control the situation when you were together? What on Gods Green Acres makes you think you could get back some kind of control of him? (Okay, ass-handing over ) Don't. Please just don't. Stay strong. This is just a bump in the emotional road - you will get through this. You have a plan and a road - stick to it. Don't let pull you off the road so that you both have to drift in the woods. Good luck and hugs to you. Well, I know I couldn't control HIM, but he wouldn't be taking our son anywhere I didn't know about. Disagree. You THINK he wouldn't be taking your son anywhere you don't know about. You can't monitor him 24/7. Tired is normal. Worrying is normal. You did the right thing. Stay strong on the supervised visitation. If he is complaining tell him you do it as a courtesy and you would be happy to have the court change it to court assigned supervision that he will pay for. Then you will also remind him (if he has been to organized counseling and treatment) that it takes 3 years to build the trust back so he should not expect anything to change in the short term. He isn't instantly fixed and he doesn't get unfettered access to the kid.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 10:36:59 GMT -5
MPL Back when I was a single parent, I joined Parents Without Partners. Some people think of it as a dating service for single parents, but I formed lasting friendships with some wonderful women who had kids my age. The outings were dirt cheap (usually potluck). If you joined a local chapter, you might find outings that you and your son could enjoy. And ex could "visit" in a large group situation.
Just something to look into.
Edited to add, In PWP, I had a support group who had been through similar situations. Some were older, wiser and all were good listeners. It's was not a substitute for one on one counseling, but I found it hugely helpful and the price was right.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 10:37:02 GMT -5
MPL, you just want things to be right for your son. That's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. The problem is, you can't control the ex's behavior no matter what you do. Searching his telephone calls isn't going to help you in the least. Your knowing who he's calling isn't going to control who he calls. You need to stay away from this man as much as possible, talk to him as little as possible, and concentrate on maintaining that distance. Don't give him extra food coupons. He's not your friend, MPL. He's your ex for a reason.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:42:30 GMT -5
Until you get the free supervision limit the visitation to places where you don't have to supervise up close, like a park, etc. that way you can be at a distance and not have to converse with him. It is nice only in the future if you can do the dinner thing etc but it is too soon now.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:47:50 GMT -5
MPL, you just want things to be right for your son. That's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. The problem is, you can't control the ex's behavior no matter what you do. Searching his telephone calls isn't going to help you in the least. Your knowing who he's calling isn't going to control who he calls. You need to stay away from this man as much as possible, talk to him as little as possible, and concentrate on maintaining that distance. Don't give him extra food coupons. He's not your friend, MPL. He's your ex for a reason.I do get that. But the mental illness muddies things for me a bit. He really is a lot better now that he's being treated for bipolar. I think a part of me had hope he'd stay clean (which I do think he still is), and get his life together and we could reconnect. But then seeing he's still calling the "Rochester folks" as I've come to affectionately refer to them as has tore the wound open again.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 28, 2014 10:50:20 GMT -5
MPL, you just want things to be right for your son. That's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. The problem is, you can't control the ex's behavior no matter what you do. Searching his telephone calls isn't going to help you in the least. Your knowing who he's calling isn't going to control who he calls. You need to stay away from this man as much as possible, talk to him as little as possible, and concentrate on maintaining that distance. Don't give him extra food coupons. He's not your friend, MPL. He's your ex for a reason.I do get that. But the mental illness muddies things for me a bit. He really is a lot better now that he's being treated for bipolar. I think a part of me had hope he'd stay clean (which I do think he still is), and get his life together and we could reconnect. But then seeing he's still calling the "Rochester folks" as I've come to affectionately refer to them as has tore the wound open again. I understand the hope. Been there. But, letting him get this close to you (having dinner, canoe rides, "datey" kinds of things) is clearly toxic. You need to protect yourself and your son from this toxity.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:57:59 GMT -5
I do set some boundaries. I won't let him come to the house, even though that would make it way easier for me for visitations. He hasn't set foot here since last October. I know that would go bad. Either it would churn up old stresses and world war 3 would erupt, or I would just break down having my family "whole" again and let him stay.
I'm headed out. If I post again in the next hour and a half really ream my ass because I'm driving!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 10:58:29 GMT -5
"we could reconnect."
Why why why? So you relive the nightmare? Don't do this to yourself or your kids.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 28, 2014 11:17:19 GMT -5
MPL -What do you hope to find by monitoring his calls , etc? You already KNOW who he is. He already showed you. Believe him.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 28, 2014 11:28:12 GMT -5
Some question.....
Were you upset because he was with another woman, or this woman's association with his drug habit? Do you want him back because you think you can control this?
You need to avoid ALL social interactions with your ex, and you know this. That includes sharing a meal, even with others accompanying you. Shut it down now.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 28, 2014 11:31:19 GMT -5
In answer to the above, you are definitely not a sucky mother. You are a great parent.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 28, 2014 11:41:37 GMT -5
MPL, you just want things to be right for your son. That's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. The problem is, you can't control the ex's behavior no matter what you do. Searching his telephone calls isn't going to help you in the least. Your knowing who he's calling isn't going to control who he calls. You need to stay away from this man as much as possible, talk to him as little as possible, and concentrate on maintaining that distance. Don't give him extra food coupons. He's not your friend, MPL. He's your ex for a reason.I do get that. But the mental illness muddies things for me a bit. He really is a lot better now that he's being treated for bipolar. I think a part of me had hope he'd stay clean (which I do think he still is), and get his life together and we could reconnect. But then seeing he's still calling the "Rochester folks" as I've come to affectionately refer to them as has tore the wound open again. Sadly, true mental illness isn't "cured". It's controlled and that control is often hit-or-miss for the first year, at least. It takes quite awhile to develop adequate coping mechanisms to allow a normal, healthy life for people who are stricken. Your ex isn't going to be any different, MPL. If he's still seeing these folks, you can bet he doesn't have things under control yet. This was his drug source. Why would you assume it isn't serving the same purpose now? Just because he isn't under the influence in your presence doesn't mean he's not that way outside your presence. He's proven he's not to be trusted. Takes a lot longer than a few months to actually rebuild lost trust. More like several years. You're hoping, I think, the dream you started that relationship with is still out there somewhere. That's a big mistake. Put that dream to bed, cover it up, and forget you ever had it. This man can harm your son in so many ways. He can harm you, as well. He already has harmed you both. That's the thing, I think, you have to keep foremost in your mind.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 28, 2014 12:22:08 GMT -5
Do not speak to him except about his son. Not even small talk over dinner or telling him about your chickens, nothing. You don't need to know anything about him and him anything about you or older son. If you go to the buffet with them sit alone at another table so he is with his son only and you can't hear them or talk to them or bring someone to sit with you. If you sit with them it is too hard not to fall into your role of wife and mother, help your son with his dish, talk to your ex, let him help his son. If you need to go watch your son play a sport for example don't sit next to him go at least 10 feet away, you don't need an excuse.
I didn't speak to my ex for 2 years after the divorce but we didn't have kids. Still I considered going back to him because it was a bad habit. We were married 17 years and I missed his family and divorced felt lonely. He had quit drinking but I remembered everything else that was wrong. It helped to make a list of reasons I might go back and reasons to stay gone the go back reasons were lame. Now it has been 30 years and him dead 20 and I don't miss him at all.
You can't control him and your son is too little to take care of himself so always keep them in sight don't go for a walk while they visit or he could abduct him stay in shouting distance but not talking distance. Make sure your son knows your phone number so if abducted he would call you also teach him phone numbers for your family. Some ex's tell the kid mommy died or mommy doesn't love them so they won't call so a back up adult he would trust like a daycare provider or your parents or his 12 year old brother.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 13:35:11 GMT -5
"we could reconnect." Why why why? So you relive the nightmare? Don't do this to yourself or your kids. No. I definitely don't want to relive the nightmare part. But, we were together 7 years.The last 18 months were a nightmare but the first 5 years were not. We were happy for quite a while and I really miss a lot of that. I'm just feeling very sad. Now Im at a family water park with a gazillion people around and it just makes me more aware of how alone I am.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2014 13:38:45 GMT -5
Some question..... Were you upset because he was with another woman, or this woman's association with his drug habit? Do you want him back because you think you can control this? You need to avoid ALL social interactions with your ex, and you know this. That includes sharing a meal, even with others accompanying you. Shut it down now. Initially it was just that he had some girl at his apartment at all. It wasn't until later that I found out who it was and that just made it worse...or different. I dont know.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 28, 2014 13:53:15 GMT -5
MPL, I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big bear hug. And I would be "the heavy" during your supervised visitation anytime. Everything you're feeling is completely normal, although I know that doesn't make it any less crappy to go through. I agree with the others who have said that it will take a long time - years - to get the trust back. If he's been off the reservation for 18 months, using drugs and being violent, I'd say it would be at least twice that amount of time, with him being on his best behavior, to be able to trust him alone with your son. It sucks that so much of his behavior is due to mental illness, but that doesn't change the result. If someone walks up to you and slaps you, your face is going to sting regardless of whether they did it because they hate you or did it because they thought you were a zombie from the planet Voltron. Your son, especially, is too young to make these distinctions, and the message that certain behavior is OK (or at least less bad) if it can't be helped due to mental illness is not a good one. You are a good mother to both your sons. Never doubt that.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jun 28, 2014 13:54:28 GMT -5
A few things to remind yourself when the idea of letting him come back gets tempting...
You will not be able to control who he exposes your child(ren) to. He'll have unsupervised access, so, when you go to work, he can go anywhere with the kids, and invite anyone into the house. Right now, he only gets to see the kid with supervision, you want to keep it that way.
The last time my son saw the ex (over 7 years ago), we met half-way at a restaurant. I sat at one table facing them and read a book. That way there was no interaction between us for the meal (it had been several years since we'd seen/heard from him), and I could keep an eye on the kid in case things went south. It can be hard to not know what is being said, but it's probably better in case the kid or dad thinks things will go back to how they were.
What would happen with your older son if you let the ex come back? If older son's dad thinks it will put his son in harm's way (and I wouldn't blame him if he did), you could have another custody battle on your hands. That's not going to be productive or healthy for anyone.
I also sometimes miss the good things with my ex-bf (not the ex-husband, I got over that a long time ago). However, I know that relationship was BAD, even though it has mostly great parts. So, when I "miss" it, I remember every bad thing that happened, everything that was wrong, and that those things would not go away, and some were too ingrained to change. I didn't like who I was becoming, and I don't want to put myself where I act/feel like that again. Sometimes it just happens. I had a horrible week, and the ex-bf said some horrible things to me, and what do I dream that night but that he had found someone new and all of a sudden I wanted him back (in the dream), so I wake up wanting him back. It's been almost 5 years! I don't want him back, I know I don't want him back, but a stupid dream tried to screw me up.
Being alone sucks. It's hard. It may or may not be forever. But... it is better for you, and your children, for you to be alone than with the wrong person. Your ex is definitely the wrong person. How you handle this can affect your children's adult relationships. I know how hard it can be to stay strong, and sometimes you have to "fake it til you make it". There are ups and downs. But in the long run, you're better off without him.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jun 28, 2014 14:55:53 GMT -5
Sweetie, I am waiting for that moment too and I know it will be a kick in the gut as well. We are human we feel what we feel. Dont ever apologize for being human.
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