cronewitch
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I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 10, 2014 20:17:50 GMT -5
ISO had two what I would call bad parents. His dad was dating his grandmother and told her he wouldn't if she didn't give him her daughter. So an older man was married to a 16 year old, told marry him or be sent to a convent. He was born when his mom was 16 and his dad was having an affair with the grandmother. His dad never wanted children, but he tried to be a good father. When he was about 8 they divorced and neither one wanted him so he went to a children's home for a year. His mom visited him once but dad came every weekend if he didn't have to work. After a year his dad got him out and gave him to an aunt and uncle for a few years, paid his room and board. Then his dad took him back and let him sleep on whoever's couch dad was living with at the time. When he was 16 his dad said he was tired of him and had him join the Navy.
He worshiped his father for taking care of him even if he didn't want kids but was very angry with his mother. He was raised to believe you had to honor your parents so he attempted to. His mom told me it wasn't her fault she couldn't see him, her ex threatened her. She lived man to man and never worked, had a baby with each husband. ISO resented the fact that she raised her third child all the way to the end of high school. Second child was on drugs and pregnant at 14, mom and third husband took her son away from her. He really tried to honor his mother, we liked the third husband and visited them some. His mom only called if she wanted something.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2014 20:57:16 GMT -5
ISO had two what I would call bad parents. His dad was dating his grandmother and told her he wouldn't if she didn't give him her daughter. So an older man was married to a 16 year old, told marry him or be sent to a convent. He was born when his mom was 16 and his dad was having an affair with the grandmother. His dad never wanted children, but he tried to be a good father. When he was about 8 they divorced and neither one wanted him so he went to a children's home for a year. His mom visited him once but dad came every weekend if he didn't have to work. After a year his dad got him out and gave him to an aunt and uncle for a few years, paid his room and board. Then his dad took him back and let him sleep on whoever's couch dad was living with at the time. When he was 16 his dad said he was tired of him and had him join the Navy. He worshiped his father for taking care of him even if he didn't want kids but was very angry with his mother. He was raised to believe you had to honor your parents so he attempted to. His mom told me it wasn't her fault she couldn't see him, her ex threatened her. She lived man to man and never worked, had a baby with each husband. ISO resented the fact that she raised her third child all the way to the end of high school. Second child was on drugs and pregnant at 14, mom and third husband took her son away from her. He really tried to honor his mother, we liked the third husband and visited them some. His mom only called if she wanted something. Crone, I could barely process your post. I'm guessing that the grandmother basically turned over her daughter at age 16 to her lover. Legalized by marriage or not, that is pretty awful.
That whole story is terrible. It makes my childhood look like unicorns and rainbows.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2014 21:08:52 GMT -5
"My mom and dad split when I was maybe 6 months old. He signed over rights to her next husband when I was 3 or so. " If i ever get married again, this will be my son. If not, he won't have a father
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 10, 2014 21:32:06 GMT -5
I do wonder if there are cases where the parent him/herself felt unwanted. I love both my parents and I know they both love me. But I regret that I could have been a lot nicer and more appreciative to one of them. I won't say that I drove him/her away, but I can totally see how he/she might feel a bit more welcome in the company of others.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 11, 2014 0:36:04 GMT -5
... I'm saying I don't get guys that could leave their children behind ... I've chosen to as a whole avoid the situation (for various reasons, some being how young I was and not ready to be a step parent if it came to that) ... The unwillingness of women to get involved in step parenting is one of the reasons that men choose to not be too involved in their children's lives. Well, if getting laid is more important to a guy than being there for his kids, that tells you a lot about his character. And if the child the man is choosing to abandon was created outside a stable marriage, or created with a woman he never should have been with, that also tells you something about the guy.
When I was single, I wasn't all that eager to date a guy with kids, since I had been responsible enough to not have kids myself, but I never would have considered dating a guy who abandoned his kids either.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 11, 2014 8:18:50 GMT -5
I do wonder if there are cases where the parent him/herself felt unwanted. I love both my parents and I know they both love me. But I regret that I could have been a lot nicer and more appreciative to one of them. I won't say that I drove him/her away, but I can totally see how he/she might feel a bit more welcome in the company of others. That's part of parenting though. Assuming the kid(s) aren't addicted, you take the good and the bad. You know going in there's going to be a certain amount of conflict and rebellion. My kids are young, I don't know how we'd handle addiction. I do understand that there are different ways of handling an addicted child and I'm not trying to argue on that. I'm just thinking that a reasonably "normal" kid is going to do their damnest to push parents away - it's a way of proving that Mom and/or Dad love me no matter what.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 11, 2014 8:34:19 GMT -5
I do wonder if there are cases where the parent him/herself felt unwanted. I love both my parents and I know they both love me. But I regret that I could have been a lot nicer and more appreciative to one of them. I won't say that I drove him/her away, but I can totally see how he/she might feel a bit more welcome in the company of others. Here's the thing, though. I haven't really, really appreciated our parents until I was in my mid to late 30's. For me, that's when my kids were getting older and much more emotionally demanding. When my well is dry, I feel incredibly unappreciated. While it doesn't always help, I understand and try to keep in mind that I can't expect my 6 year old to fully appreciate me like a 30-something year old. For me, I have a hard time gauging what's normal and what's not. Because at 6, I was expected to appreciate my parents like another adult would and show them lots of gratitude. And I did. But, that's because emotionally, I was expected to function like an adult, not a child. I also expect my kids to push me away. It's part of the growing up process. I see it already in my 10 year old. The push pull between wanting him to assert himself, while giving me a hug first thing in the morning and him telling me he loves me. What I hope, is that DH and I are healthy enough and have done a good enough job with the kids when they are young (respecting them and meeting their needs) so that the kids will WANT to hang out with us, as adults. Rather than put in their time with us at holiday visits to simply avoid negative consequences from us.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 11, 2014 8:48:32 GMT -5
What I hope, is that DH and I are healthy enough and have done a good enough job with the kids when they are young (respecting them and meeting their needs) so that the kids will WANT to hang out with us, as adults. Rather than put in their time with us at holiday visits to simply avoid negative consequences from us.
This is a fear of mine. I know that personally I don't spend a lot of free time with my parents. I have always felt like the odd duck in my family and like I never fit in. My mom always had these inside jokes and secrets with the other kids but never with me. I take a lot of the blame on myself because I know looking back on it I was not a pleasant teenager to live with.
I worry all the time that DS will hit that point in which we are just those annoying people who's house he grew up in. I'd hate to imagine him sighing loudly and telling his wife "we HAVE to drive to my parents this week, apparently my mom is whining since we haven't seen here since Christmas" I really hope that is never the case- plus I routinely threaten to move to wherever he lands so we can be close to him since he's an only child.
So far the closest we've come to annoying him is the tirade he went off on the other night about having to "ALWAYS" help us figure out our electronic devices and wondering what we are going to do when he leaves for college. Why should I have to learn how to shut off the stupid notifications on my phone when I can just hand it to him and say "Make it stop doing that" and he fixes it for me
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Jun 11, 2014 8:48:51 GMT -5
My mom and dad split when I was maybe 6 months old. He signed over rights to her next husband when I was 3 or so. I "met" him for the first time when I was 9 because my maternal grandma set up a secret meeting behind my mom's back. He never paid a dollar in child support after leaving. When I was 16 and on my own I called him and asked for some help because I was dead broke, he said he wouldn't send me money because he would never contribute a dollar that would help my mom. I tried to explain that I didn't live with her, but that made no difference to him. He's floated in and out of my life since 9, with the most contact being in the past few years when I get a text on my birthday that says "Happy bday". Sometimes even a card, usually with a note that my finger isn't broken and I can call him if I want. He called me two years ago while drunk and begged for a grandchild. He remarried and had two kids. According to their Facebook pages, he's the greatest dad that ever was, complete with new cars with big bows at 16. He complains that I made more my first year out of college than he ever has in a year. Meanwhile, the degree that I got to make that happen was paid for by me and only me. I resent him and I will never forgive him. My partner is a father to two kids. If he had been a shitty father, no way would I have stayed. If we are being honest, I never wanted kids but I fell hard for him and they were a package deal, so I try to be the best stepmom I can be, even if I don't always know how. That seriously breaks my heart. How can I parent walk out in their child? It is beyond comprehension to me, yet I know it happens every day. It is the kids that suffer :-(. I'm really sorry for what you went through And I feel the same way about a man with children. If he has kids but abandons them I would want nothing to do with him. How could I respect someone that could toss their own flesh and blood away? Breaks my heart I'll never understand it. He just didn't want to deal with my mom. When he calls randomly every couple years, he will trash talk my mom and I have to tell him to stop or I'll hang up. One day I'll just stop answering when he gets the itch to call.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 9:42:33 GMT -5
"My mom and dad split when I was maybe 6 months old. He signed over rights to her next husband when I was 3 or so. " If i ever get married again, this will be my son. If not, he won't have a father My nephew has a sperm donor for a father. He signed over rights when he was 2 or 3 to my SIL's new husband. Nephew is...man...28 or 29 now (time flies) and from the conversations I've had with him on the subject (I grew up without my Dad around too), I can say that it hasn't phased him at all. Neither of us ever felt damaged or angry at our father's for leaving and it was kind of a non-issue growing up. I think having people around who love you whether they are biological parents or not is what's important. He still had great male role models in his stepdad, uncles, and grandfather.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 11, 2014 9:56:01 GMT -5
DH had a series of crappy father figures growing up and claims that after his bio-dad died he didn't have another "good" dad until he married me and got my dad as a FIL. As a result he still struggles with those family dynamics.
His dad died when he was 5. A few months later his mom married step father #1. This man adopted DH and had his name legally changed to match stepfathers. SF was a terrible drunk that mentally tortured and physically abused DH until he walked out on father's day when DH was 13. As in DH got up early to make breakfast for his "dad" and mom came out and said "He left an hour ago and we are getting divorced". DH didn't see him again until he graduated high school. SF showed up, handed him $20 and then never talked to him again. When DH turned 18 he went to court and had his name legally changed back to his birth name. Step Fathers 2 through 4 were pretty much non-issues. They'd marry his mom, hang around for a few months and get divorced. When she married the current stepfather (which has lasted like 20 years) DH was 21 and she said "aren't you excited to have a new dad?" and he told her "I haven't had a dad since I was 5 and as far as I'm concerned I still don't"
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 11, 2014 9:57:38 GMT -5
What I hope, is that DH and I are healthy enough and have done a good enough job with the kids when they are young (respecting them and meeting their needs) so that the kids will WANT to hang out with us, as adults. Rather than put in their time with us at holiday visits to simply avoid negative consequences from us.
This is a fear of mine. I know that personally I don't spend a lot of free time with my parents. I have always felt like the odd duck in my family and like I never fit in. My mom always had these inside jokes and secrets with the other kids but never with me. I take a lot of the blame on myself because I know looking back on it I was not a pleasant teenager to live with.
I worry all the time that DS will hit that point in which we are just those annoying people who's house he grew up in. I'd hate to imagine him sighing loudly and telling his wife "we HAVE to drive to my parents this week, apparently my mom is whining since we haven't seen here since Christmas" I really hope that is never the case- plus I routinely threaten to move to wherever he lands so we can be close to him since he's an only child.
So far the closest we've come to annoying him is the tirade he went off on the other night about having to "ALWAYS" help us figure out our electronic devices and wondering what we are going to do when he leaves for college. Why should I have to learn how to shut off the stupid notifications on my phone when I can just hand it to him and say "Make it stop doing that" and he fixes it for me Sheila - The boy loves. If he hasn't hit the point at 16 where he doesn't want you around, you are good. You might have some growing pains around 20-22 as you let him fly a lot farther from the nest, but I truly believe that you or your DH will be your boy's best friend when he is 30. Seriously, my parents expected a lot from us growing up. They were tough but fair. They weren't our friends growing up. They are now. My dad and brother are best friends. My mom is my best friend. She's still my mom, and there are still things I don't talk to her about in my marriage. But yeah, she's my best friend ... she's probably my sister's best friend too. My mom and I struggled in that early 20s age when I came home from college during the summers. I was use to living one way at college and needed a little more space and independence than she really wanted to give. But we got through it and by my late 20s, she's just really become my best friend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 14:14:38 GMT -5
"My nephew has a sperm donor for a father. He signed over rights when he was 2 or 3 to my SIL's new husband. Nephew is...man...28 or 29 now (time flies) and from the conversations I've had with him on the subject (I grew up without my Dad around too), I can say that it hasn't phased him at all. Neither of us ever felt damaged or angry at our father's for leaving and it was kind of a non-issue growing up. I think having people around who love you whether they are biological parents or not is what's important. He still had great male role models in his stepdad, uncles, and grandfather. "
Well unless i get married he won't have a male role model around. I am no longer talking to my dad. I have no brothers. All my family is thousands of miles away anyway. I obviously don't want to get married just to have a male role model either.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 14:42:22 GMT -5
"My nephew has a sperm donor for a father. He signed over rights when he was 2 or 3 to my SIL's new husband. Nephew is...man...28 or 29 now (time flies) and from the conversations I've had with him on the subject (I grew up without my Dad around too), I can say that it hasn't phased him at all. Neither of us ever felt damaged or angry at our father's for leaving and it was kind of a non-issue growing up. I think having people around who love you whether they are biological parents or not is what's important. He still had great male role models in his stepdad, uncles, and grandfather. " Well unless i get married he won't have a male role model around. I am no longer talking to my dad. I have no brothers. All my family is thousands of miles away anyway. I obviously don't want to get married just to have a male role model either. There are other ways to get him male role models. You can request male teachers at school. Coaches in sports. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is good. Scouts has been wonderful for my older son. He's been part of the Pack/Troop for 7 years now and there are a lot of strong leaders in our Troop that really care about these boys becoming upstanding young men.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 15:03:42 GMT -5
How old do you need to be for Scouts? I have some male friends that can be role models too but it is not the same as having an involved father. Just worried about him a little.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 15:07:49 GMT -5
How old do you need to be for Scouts? I have some male friends that can be role models too but it is not the same as having an involved father. Just worried about him a little. Normally first grade, but some Packs have Lion Cubs (Kindergarten).
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jun 11, 2014 18:44:45 GMT -5
can't speak for scouts/ages, but even having guy friends around that conduct themselves as good examples for bunny as he grows up would be a good thing. it doesn't have to be formal, ya know. for all those that pooh-pooh the concept of "it takes a village...." there's so many more of us that were raised that way who can vouch for the effects. just think back to your own childhood, I know you weren't raised in the US. you had aunts and uncles that you respected as parental substitutes, no? those friends of yours can step into those shoes easily, if they are up for being a role model.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Jun 11, 2014 21:41:21 GMT -5
"My nephew has a sperm donor for a father. He signed over rights when he was 2 or 3 to my SIL's new husband. Nephew is...man...28 or 29 now (time flies) and from the conversations I've had with him on the subject (I grew up without my Dad around too), I can say that it hasn't phased him at all. Neither of us ever felt damaged or angry at our father's for leaving and it was kind of a non-issue growing up. I think having people around who love you whether they are biological parents or not is what's important. He still had great male role models in his stepdad, uncles, and grandfather. " Well unless i get married he won't have a male role model around. I am no longer talking to my dad. I have no brothers. All my family is thousands of miles away anyway. I obviously don't want to get married just to have a male role model either. Put your little bunny in a family daycare situation rather than a center. My DD did not have a father around either. Her first daycare was a retired couple. They became another set of grandparents to my DD. We kept in contact for several years, until a death, with this couple. Another one of her day care providers was the wife of a police officer. He would be around on his days off and he would occasionally let the kids see the inner workings of the police car.
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