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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 14:55:36 GMT -5
"I don't want to sound defensive, but I'm a bit weary of volunteering, in church or elsewhere. I'm not a big fan of making specific commitments to be somewhere at a specific time to do work. I mean, I already have a job, I don't need another one. I'm just worried that it might cause fallout if (using church as an example) I can't make it one Sunday because I'm on vacation or visiting my parents or heck, just don't feel like doing it that week. Plus I do need to work overtime on occasion on the weekend. I just don't want to cause any issues by making promises I might not be able to keep."
So pick one that doesn't force you to do too much or too specific commitments! There are a ton of different organizations you can volunteer for! Years ago, I started with Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I didn't want to commit to being a big sister due to how much time it would take so I became a monthly (or so) volunteer. I would pick up a few kids from their homes and take them to events for a few hours. There are so many more women in volunteer organizations than men so that would be a great place for you to meet women. But you need to be a little passionate about what you are volunteering for. So pick something you would enjoy somewhat. This may be a little mean but you sound like all you care about is you and what you want (and this is not only based on this thread) so I am not at all surprised that you came up with an excuse.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 15:01:16 GMT -5
"I've always been kind of reluctant to "put down roots" anywhere, and that includes making friends."
This is such BS. Your friends do not have to be within a mile from you. There is nothing wrong with making friends then if they become out-of-state friends, so be it! I have friends all around the world! You really need to learn to be honest with yourself. I don't believe that you have even attempted to make friends.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 6, 2014 15:01:43 GMT -5
There are so many more women in volunteer organizations than men so that would be a great place for you to meet women.A little OT but DH went to the grocery store with Gwen alone when he was an infant. He said he was SWARMED by women. He joked if he'd known about this when he was single he would have volunteered to babysit his nephews all the time. Not that I would join Big Sisters Big Brothers just to pick up dates, but if it's something you be interested in apparently guys who care and take interest in children are VERY attractive to the opposite sex.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 15:02:55 GMT -5
I will say volunteering is not for everyone... I have found the only volunteer work I really like doing is with the local animal rescue. I support the local food bank in a monetary way but volunteering there just wasn't for me. IF you are going to volunteer make sure it is something you enjoy doing. Like sheila said it is supposed to be fun. I love working the adoption events so I can help dogs and cats find a home.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 15:05:55 GMT -5
"I don't want to sound defensive, but I'm a bit weary of volunteering, in church or elsewhere. I'm not a big fan of making specific commitments to be somewhere at a specific time to do work. I mean, I already have a job, I don't need another one. I'm just worried that it might cause fallout if (using church as an example) I can't make it one Sunday because I'm on vacation or visiting my parents or heck, just don't feel like doing it that week. Plus I do need to work overtime on occasion on the weekend. I just don't want to cause any issues by making promises I might not be able to keep." So pick one that doesn't force you to do too much or too specific commitments! There are a ton of different organizations you can volunteer for! Years ago, I started with Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I didn't want to commit to being a big sister due to how much time it would take so I became a monthly (or so) volunteer. I would pick up a few kids from their homes and take them to events for a few hours. There are so many more women in volunteer organizations than men so that would be a great place for you to meet women. But you need to be a little passionate about what you are volunteering for. So pick something you would enjoy somewhat. This may be a little mean but you sound like all you care about is you and what you want (and this is not only based on this thread) so I am not at all surprised that you came up with an excuse. That is really great! I am going to look into doing that. Like you, I don't really want to commit to being a big sister because of the time commitment but I didn't realize you could do something like this on a monthly basis.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 15:08:00 GMT -5
Do you think maybe you don't like the area BECAUSE you don't have any friends? If you had friends, etc. then you might actually WANT to stay there... just a thought.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 15:08:28 GMT -5
My city isn't exactly huge but if you lived here you could: - volunteer with habitat for humanity - volunteer with the local children's museum - there is a neat bike club that takes old bikes that works with kids and helps them fix them up and gives the bike to the kid (who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford it) - Relay for Life is huge here. They are always looking for volunteers to help chair the different committees or join the teams - youth baseball is crazy big here- always looking for volunteer umpires, assistant coaches, etc. - big brother/big sister
that's 6 things right there off the top of my head. None would require a full time commitment.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 6, 2014 15:08:43 GMT -5
Phoenix? What authors do you like? What genre? What are you currently reading? I have read all the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child. I also like Alex Berinson (not sure if I spelled his last name right), David Morell, David Baldacci.
Mostly thriller/action/suspense/mystery type stuff.
I like Baldacci and Morell, depending on my mood. Have you read Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay? It's a quick read and historical. A bit upsetting but very well written. What have you read lately that you would recommend? I'm always looking for recommendations on reading material.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 15:16:16 GMT -5
That's what I'm talking about! Readers love to talk about books with other Readers!. GEL just proved my point.
BTW- in our family Kevin Hearne is our favorite author (Iron Druid series) and I personally think everyone should read him. DH and I are going to a book signing for him on the 20th and are totally geeking out over it. DS is bummed because he will be in Germany and miss meeting him.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 15:19:32 GMT -5
Slightly OT but my city has a book festival every year. It is so much fun. They have lots of authors that come and talk about their books, there is a book signing tent, food and of course B&N has a tent full of books you can purchase.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 6, 2014 15:21:30 GMT -5
I love the Iron Druid series. Oberon has me ROFL sometimes.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 6, 2014 15:24:05 GMT -5
That's what I'm talking about! Readers love to talk about books with other Readers!. GEL just proved my point.
BTW- in our family Kevin Hearne is our favorite author (Iron Druid series) and I personally think everyone should read him. DH and I are going to a book signing for him on the 20th and are totally geeking out over it. DS is bummed because he will be in Germany and miss meeting him. That was my point. This is how easy it is to strike up a conversation with someone when you find a common interest. You listen for a bit, find out what you have in common and converse about it. I love to read and Phoenix said he does a lot of reading. It's not hard when you find something you both really enjoy. It just sort of rolls out of you.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 15:24:13 GMT -5
That's what I'm talking about! Readers love to talk about books with other Readers!. GEL just proved my point.
BTW- in our family Kevin Hearne is our favorite author (Iron Druid series) and I personally think everyone should read him. DH and I are going to a book signing for him on the 20th and are totally geeking out over it. DS is bummed because he will be in Germany and miss meeting him. What's Iron Druid? Is it a fantasy series?
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 6, 2014 15:26:13 GMT -5
Yes, Phoenix. Urban fantasy.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 15:57:36 GMT -5
Urban Fantasy- Atticus is the last Iron Druid. He has a dog named Oberon who is the funniest character in the world. Cracks me up. The books are really pretty good reads. My husband, son and I all love them and I recently found out my older brother and his wife are big fans as well. Everyone I have recommended him to has enjoyed the books.
My DH is fb friends with Kevin Hearne and he is really an engaging author- very active in the community (goes to a lot of Cons and signings)
First book in the series is Hounded.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 6, 2014 15:57:55 GMT -5
"I've always been kind of reluctant to "put down roots" anywhere, and that includes making friends." This is such BS. Your friends do not have to be within a mile from you. There is nothing wrong with making friends then if they become out-of-state friends, so be it! I have friends all around the world! You really need to learn to be honest with yourself. I don't believe that you have even attempted to make friends. Phoenix, fwiw, I understand how making friends is putting down roots.
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garion2003
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Post by garion2003 on Jun 6, 2014 15:58:19 GMT -5
I have read all the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child. I also like Alex Berinson (not sure if I spelled his last name right), David Morell, David Baldacci.
Mostly thriller/action/suspense/mystery type stuff.
You can talk about your favorite authors and why you like them. I would think that a love conversation for a first date I like the Jack Reacher novels too, I've read every book at least twice.
I'm not sure they are first date material though.
Just sayin'.
(you could instead bring up Tom Cruise was HORRIBLY miscast as Jack Reacher).
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 15:59:15 GMT -5
I love the Iron Druid series. Oberon has me ROFL sometimes. I started reading them because DH would start laughing out loud over the comments Oberon would make (dog talks to Atticus telepathically and is a total smart ass). He'd be laughing so hard tears would be rolling down his face. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to read the books too. The Boys quote Oberon all the time at my house.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 15:59:20 GMT -5
Okay, I have added Kevin Hearne to my reading list. Thanks for the recommendation.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 16:00:16 GMT -5
You can talk about your favorite authors and why you like them. I would think that a love conversation for a first date I like the Jack Reacher novels too, I've read every book at least twice.
I'm not sure they are first date material though.
Just sayin'.
(you could instead bring up Tom Cruise was HORRIBLY miscast as Jack Reacher).
My husband is STILL bitching about Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher! It's been a couple of years now and that movie pops up on our Amazon Prime as a suggested Prime Movie and he starts bitching all over again.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 16:52:47 GMT -5
"That is really great! I am going to look into doing that. Like you, I don't really want to commit to being a big sister because of the time commitment but I didn't realize you could do something like this on a monthly basis. "
This was years ago, over 10 years. So i dont know if they still have it like that. Since then i moved towards volunteering for animal rescues because that is my passion. But starting somewhere would help him find a passion hopefully while making friends.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 16:56:22 GMT -5
"Phoenix, fwiw, I understand how making friends is putting down roots."
It is not that i dont understand but he has been in the area for a while as i understand and he could have made friends, which would have made his life less miserable. A girlfriend is not going to fix anything. He needs friends whether he has a gf or not. Nobody wants a bf/gf that has no friends.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 17:37:08 GMT -5
in Laralei's defense there are some comments and posts that Phoenix makes that push my buttons and make me what to smack him upside the back of the head. While I appreciate his candor and the alternate view there have been a few times when I've thought "what an arrogant ass". I have to be honest (and my apologies to you Phoenix).
I think it's because he is a bit rigid in some of his opinions and many of those opinions seemed to be based more on theory than experience. As a 38 year old that's been married for 17 years and has a 16 year old son I have very different opinions on marriage, raising kids, current trends in bullying, etc. than 29 year old single guy with no kids.
I don't remember all of the threads but when there's a thread on say "Disciplining your kids" and a post starts with "Well I don't have kids, but when I do....." Or "I'm not married, but when I am, my wife...."
I honestly used to let those things get under my skin but then I realized that it's just a difference of opinion and if I look back at my life I'm sure that there are hundreds of times in which I've thought "I would never" and then gone on to do what I swore I'd never do or say or what have you.
There is a great disconnect sometimes between Theory and Experience. I just have accepted that some of Phoenix's opinions are based more on Theory than Experience.
I've made it my life's mission (not really) to needle him to into changing the rigid opinions and views he has on some things.
Again- my apologies to Phoenix if I've offended you. No, not really. I wouldn't have started the thread in the first place if I wasn't prepared for some criticism. As was stated before, sometimes friends (which can include online friends) are afraid to be frank for fear of hurting other's feelings.
So if I'm a jackass, then so be it. Something I need to work on.
In my defense though, my "theories" aren't always hogwash. It's a simple example, but when visiting my friend a couple of weeks ago and interacting a lot with his baby, things played out very similar to how I'd imagined.
I read this earlier today and thought about it a little bit. There are some posters here that come across as judgemental, jackasses, holier than thou and some other negative stuff. Every single one that comes immediately to mind, claims to either have a spouse or be in a long-term serious relationship. So either someone considers them to have other redeeming qualities that made them a suitable mate, their SO's are wusses that secretly hate them, or they're lying about their relationship status. It's worth considering whether YOU think you might be rigid or a jackass, but for your own personal growth, not to get a woman. I've been accused of being conceited, mean and some other things. Guess what, I DO think I'm too good to deal with certain kinds of stupid shit or situations, and I CAN be mean if I'm provoked. That doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. I try to be the best person I can be, and I'm good people, but I'm human and I do have flaws. I don't run myself crazy trying to be perfect and neither should you. I try to be the best ME I can be and people can like it or leave it.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 6, 2014 22:38:40 GMT -5
No, not really. I wouldn't have started the thread in the first place if I wasn't prepared for some criticism. As was stated before, sometimes friends (which can include online friends) are afraid to be frank for fear of hurting other's feelings.
So if I'm a jackass, then so be it. Something I need to work on.
In my defense though, my "theories" aren't always hogwash. It's a simple example, but when visiting my friend a couple of weeks ago and interacting a lot with his baby, things played out very similar to how I'd imagined.
I read this earlier today and thought about it a little bit. There are some posters here that come across as judgemental, jackasses, holier than thou and some other negative stuff. Every single one that comes immediately to mind, claims to either have a spouse or be in a long-term serious relationship. So either someone considers them to have other redeeming qualities that made them a suitable mate, their SO's are wusses that secretly hate them, or they're lying about their relationship status. It's worth considering whether YOU think you might be rigid or a jackass, but for your own personal growth, not to get a woman. I've been accused of being conceited, mean and some other things. Guess what, I DO think I'm too good to deal with certain kinds of stupid shit or situations, and I CAN be mean if I'm provoked. That doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. I try to be the best person I can be, and I'm good people, but I'm human and I do have flaws. I don't run myself crazy trying to be perfect and neither should you. I try to be the best ME I can be and people can like it or leave it. This made me laugh! Yeah, being all of those things for some reason never affected my relationship status! It actually made me more popular with the men. God knows why! Phonenix, have you thought that you might just be a commitment phobe? You don't want to put down roots, but you're lonely. You're not ready to broaden your dating standards. I just think that maybe no matter how much you dislike being lonely that you must be even more afraid of connecting, being intimate, settling down....I don't know...just playing armchair psychologist.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 6, 2014 23:04:37 GMT -5
I've only read the first page. Are there pictures of Phoenix in here somewhere, as he indicated, on the first page, might happen. Goodness knows I don't want to miss that!
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jun 6, 2014 23:09:18 GMT -5
Phoenix? What authors do you like? What genre? What are you currently reading? I have read all the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child. I also like Alex Berinson (not sure if I spelled his last name right), David Morell, David Baldacci.
Mostly thriller/action/suspense/mystery type stuff.
I was going to say "off topic", but then noticed everyone else going to book stuff... Have you read Greg Iles? I enjoy his books. A little odd/weird, but good books.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 6, 2014 23:13:27 GMT -5
Why? What's wrong with them? Just curious. The normal deal breakers. I generally seek women who have similar levels of education, a career, things like that. A lot of 20 someting women seem aimless in their life goals. Or they have kids. I don't really desire to date a woman with kids at this point in my life. Maybe at some point I'd consider it, but not right now. This is me. I think you said you are 30 or so. I am 35 and don't date people with kids either, even though I have kids. I have too much going on with my own kids. I can tell you that finding someone our age without kids in the house is pretty hard. I usually date men that are at least 10 years older than I am since their kids are grown an on their own. A few guys my age have never had kids, but not very many. What ages are you looking at? I can honestly tell you that if I had to pick between 10 years younger and 10 years older, it will be older every time, just because of the maturity level. I am very independent, so I need to be with men thay share that same value. Just be you and exert a confidence level that others your age don't. You will find the one soon enough.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 6, 2014 23:18:50 GMT -5
Actually, I would consider asking GEL out on a date if she was in the area and interested in doing so. But she has made it clear she thinks she's too old for me, so *shrugs* it's her choice. No hard feelings. I don't know how old GEL is, but I was always under the impression she was in her early to mid 30's. I'd actually also consider doing the same for a couple other posters, like Justme and WVUGURL, but I don't think they're in my area. You are so sweet! Somebody just made for you will come along soon. I'm about 11 years older than you. You are going to make a great dad and kids aren't in my future. If I was younger and was going to have kids, you'd have to beat me away from your door! Trust me, thank the lord you aren't younger she doesn't want anymore kids. You don't want to deal with that kind of crazy... You're welcome.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jun 6, 2014 23:46:50 GMT -5
So, I'm just going to say that things like "you'll find someone when you aren't looking", etc, are a bunch of bs (no offense to the people who say it--but really, how many years do you have to "not look" and it still hasn't happened, so you look and you're told it's not going to happen that way?) You'll find someone when you find someone (if you find someone) whether you're looking or not. I don't think actively looking prevents you from finding someone. And not looking doesn't always find someone, and often prevents it if you don't get out there. And the "if" isn't meant to be sarcastic or anything, it just never happens for some people (and sadly so when it is someone who wants it). I understand not talking a lot, because I really don't either. However, some things can GET me talking more than other things. You can show you're interested without having to carry half the conversation. Re-read her profile before a date. Does she enjoy photography? Ask what she most likes to take photos of. If you're interested in a second date, you could throw in "I'd love to see some next time." It lets her know that you would like there to be a next time. Does she enjoy reading? Ask what she reads. If it's not an author/genre you are familiar with, ask about it. If you have the same taste, offer to loan her a book (again, showing you're interested in a "next time".) Does she enjoy travel? Ask where she's been, where she would like to go, what her most interesting encounter was. Try to find topics where you can get her talking, but where you can also add to the conversation (I haven't read that one, what is it about? I've read that one, I enjoyed this part... I haven't been there, but I went here one time... Ever get completely lost? I got lost in x one time and spent two hours trying to find my hotel...) My two worst dates--one spent the whole time talking, the other one didn't spend any time talking. Guy #1 didn't show any interest, but talked about himself for two hours. I'd ask guy #2 a question and get a one-word answer. There were a lot of things that made both dates bad though And, I wouldn't ask for feedback on how the date went/why she doesn't want a date. To me, it's completely awkward and puts her on the spot when she might already feel bad for rejecting you. Put in that position I wouldn't be able to give an honest answer, and sometimes I can't pinpoint a reason, I just know. If kids are a deal breaker, let them be a deal breaker. I have a 16-year-old, and I know that my having a kid has limited my options in the past. And, now that my son is older, I absolutely don't want to seek out anyone with younger children. I'm almost done, why would I want to start over?! However... If I met a guy and really hit it off, and he had kids, I may be willing to change my mind if he was worth it. But, a meeting like that would be more likely from mutual friends, meeting in a group setting, etc. I wouldn't be interacting with him on a dating site unless something really stood out for me to think he may be worth it. In other areas, I have my preferences, but again, willing to break them. *To me* education level gives no indication on being an intellectual/personality match. Idiots come in all education levels. I'm more toward "do I find what this person has to say interesting?" I do have a "no living with parents" thing (I just don't get it, and it's not a lifestyle choice that meshes with mine in any way). I also will not (knowingly) date someone who isn't single--"getting a divorce" is not the same as "divorced". I'd prefer a non-smoker, but was married to one and the last serious bf was a smoker. However, I would never date someone who smoked indoors. So, I think standards are good, and preferences are certainly fine, but take time to figure out WHY that is a hard and fast "rule". One guy told me once that he would never date a smart woman because "my friend married a smart woman and he tells me all the time not to do it." But, he had been attracted to smart women several times. He just let someone else tell him what he should want.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Jun 7, 2014 3:45:31 GMT -5
I haven't read all the posts (and didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn last night) but I will say that it sounds like you need to get more comfortable talking to people/small talk. I know it can be hard but please, please, please practice! You remind me of a former coworker (Nice, smart, responsible guy in his 20s) who never had a girlfriend. He was painfully shy and wouldn't say ANYTHING!!!! It was so uncomfortable and awkward being with him at lunches and stuff. Because he was so quiet, it seemed like he was judging you all the time (when at lunch or wherever he wouldn't say anything and would just stare at you while you carried the whole conversation ). He wasn't mean or anything but, wow.... having someone "with you" who is watching you like a lab experiment is creepy. He did that to male coworkers too (One confessed that he wanted to hit or shake the guy. He didn't know why and knew it was wrong but the guy's shyness and demeanor brought out the aggressiveness in him . I think he wanted to see shy guy show some reaction to life and that was the only way he could think of to do it...).
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