mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 6, 2014 12:09:35 GMT -5
You've gotten some great suggestions, phoenix. I realize some of them are going to be very hard work for you because of the Asperger's. Social interactions are a real bugaboo for Aspies; even the high-functioning ones. The "wiring" is different and you've got to almost repaint yourself to let the art of who you are really shine. It won't be easy, I'm sure, for you to put some of these suggestions into practice, but it's important that you start trying to reach out to people and make some friends with whom you can share activities, interests, and leisure time. Of course, you'll need down-time when you can just relax and not think about anything. Most important, take care of yourself and know you're a good, worthwhile, nice-looking and enjoyable person! We here know that. You have to know that, too.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Jun 6, 2014 12:13:19 GMT -5
Well, looks isn't the problem. If I were you I'd just let the girl know at the beginning of the date that you are on the shy side. I've gone on dates before with shy guys. It's cute, and I think it makes women feel kinda hot to think they can make a big hunk of grown man nervous. If I went out with you and you were super quiet and then didn't call for a few days I would assume you thought you were too good for me and weren't interested so by the time you called I would have decided not to go out with you.
Also you are a big, tall guy so if you are quiet and do anything else remotely odd the girl will get creeped out, and they are going to be scared of you because of your size. A little nerdy guy can probably get away with more odd behavior than you can, because frankly you are big and if you were crazy they wouldn't be able to get away from you. And if I say that as a woman that is 5'8 I know someone 5'3 probably feels it even more. I'm not suggesting this applies to you, but it is good information to have.
I agree with the person that said let the woman know you want a second date on the first date if you do. You don't have to pin her into specifics because that puts them on the spot, but you can say "I'd love to see you again next week. Why don't I call you tomorrow and we can make some definite plans" then call when you say you are going to. God, I couldn't get rid of DH when we first met, and most guys that have really liked me were pretty persistent. I don't think waiting 2 days is too long, but you are looking for something serious so I say it is totally okay to call earlier. If the woman likes you they will be flattered, if they don't like you they would have said no whether you called the next day or next week so by calling earlier you know earlier.
Also, look the woman in the eye when you talk. Don't be afraid to sit close to her, put your arm around her, or put your hand on the small of her back when you walk. Little signals like that let the woman know you are interested.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 12:21:25 GMT -5
"Don't be afraid to sit close to her, put your arm around her, or put your hand on the small of her back when you walk. Little signals like that let the woman know you are interested."
I am going to suggest against this. If you want to do this, you need to be good at reading a woman, which obviously he is not. Otherwise, doing the above to someone who is not showing interest will make him look creepy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 12:30:42 GMT -5
We need a YM dating page.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 12:31:58 GMT -5
"We need a YM dating page." For matchmaking and for dating advice
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 6, 2014 12:35:16 GMT -5
As well as critique of potential dates. I started laughing when the guy who messaged me today mentioned having a 401k in his profile...and then started wondering if he's on YM.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jun 6, 2014 12:35:38 GMT -5
I didn't read through the entire thread... But where are you located? I know of several people who had issues with dating and meeting people when they lived in suburbs and small town. The "stock" is limited... It may just be a numbers game and not a reflection on you at all.
Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 12:36:09 GMT -5
I actually know a 35 year old single woman in St. Louis that would be perfect for Phoenix. She has never been married, no kids but she takes care of her niece for most of the week as her sister is a horrible person. She is an electrical engineer, VERY good with money, smart, cute, a little on the short side (5' or 5'-1"). Eastern European origin. She has never really had any boyfriends (well she had one sort of for like 2 months). She is also very similar in that she gets the 1st dates but usually not the 2nd dates. She and Phoenix seem very similar in a lot of ways and the way they think. But I have no idea how I could approach her without creeping her out about a guy online that lives in Denver that I never met...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2014 12:37:02 GMT -5
"But where are you located? I know of several people who had issues with dating and meeting people when they lived in suburbs and small town. The "stock" is limited..."
He lives in Denver. But his issue is not the "stock". I don't think he ever gets out.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 6, 2014 12:37:39 GMT -5
Do martial arts and hiking if you like, but is that the best way to meet people?
Have you heard of swinging?
Swing dancing that is. It's a lot of nerds (not all, but a lot), and it's very social. The people who do are fanatic about it and very cliquish (in the sense, they love other people who love swing dancing). I've seen a lot of nerds and geeks blossom while getting into the activity.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 12:44:44 GMT -5
I have a good friend who is married to a very socially awkward man. It seems like a completely weird match because she is very social. When I first met him I didn't like him because his social awkwardness came across as arrogance. It took me quite a while to figure out he wasn't arrogant, he just does not know how to interact with people properly. She actually stopped taking him to parties and social gatherings because of this. She now just goes by herself and he stays home with the kids. I guess I am telling this for two reasons (1) if he found someone then you will find someone and it may be someone very different than you are and (2) your social awkwardness may be coming across as arrogance to some women. I don't KNOW that it is purely speculation.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Jun 6, 2014 12:47:59 GMT -5
But honestly it's pretty depressing to be relative success in most other areas of my life but fail utterly in this one particular area. It's basically to the point where I keep trying just to try, more out of grim determination than any hope or expectation of success, and I think that may create a self fullfilling cycle.
Phoenix, it almost sounds like "having a relationship" is a goal you feel the need to achieve. I also think you sound lonely, or at least that you'd like a bit more socializing, but you aren't comfortable in a social setting, and you've decided that having a girlfriend/wife is the answer. I think you might be putting the cart before the horse. You need to go out and socialize more to make friends (so you aren't quite so lonely), and hopefully your new expanded circle of acquaintances will eventually introduce you to someone you really click with. I may be way off base, but you might be pursuing it in the wrong order, or for the wrong reasons. On a different tack, DH was talking to a wedding caterer recently, and she had 3 weddings that day. She normally wouldn't do so many, but a friend was involved. Apparently she is a matchmaker! Caterer told DH this woman is so successful that she has to warn clients that she will set them up with a series of dates, and not to stop at the first one, try all of them to choose the best one. The concept of using a matchmaker today, outside of certain traditional cultures, just flabbergasted me, but also intrigued me. I'd love to talk to her, I'm curious how she approaches it. Is she just really good at reading people, knows lots of people, what? DH mentioned that she is a college professor, I'm wondering if she's in psychology. It sounded like this was a thriving side business for her, she was very busy.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Jun 6, 2014 13:03:41 GMT -5
Not grow out his hair hippie length. Just grow it out so he can comb it. He looks like he has a military buzz. You want him to look approchable, right? But he definitely looks like an alpha male, very masculine, which is far from a bad thing. I do enjoy manly men, and I think that a lot of women do too. To PHoneix: I know that ultimately you want someone you can marry and have kids with. But given your little experience with women, could't try out some of the Ms. wrongs to gain confidence and have some fun. and then when Ms. Right comes along, you will have the skills to close the deal. Do you know what I mean? I disagree with everyone on the hair....the clean cut military look is one the things I look for - I hate longer hair and facial hair. so again, it comes down to personal preference. If I were 20 years younger, he would be just my type. OMG, ME TOOOOO! Clean-cut, close-cropped is soooo sexy. And this new full-beard trend that younger dudes are doing? Totally grosses me out. I mean, it's PUBES, on your FACE. Shave that shit!!!! /rant
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 13:10:11 GMT -5
Amen to that. DS is so cute but now is sporting the pubes on his face look. I hope he grows out of it and soon. Yuk.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jun 6, 2014 13:11:27 GMT -5
Phoenix, I missed your pics! Maybe it's just the app...
I'm in Denver (more SE actually) too, we should get together. I'm married but know lots of single gals!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 6, 2014 13:13:13 GMT -5
Here's one thing I know about being friends with girls, or friends with guys that have girlfriends/wives that like you: We tend to want everyone to be happy and try fixing people up just like zib is trying to do. Some of us can't stop meddling
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 6, 2014 13:22:07 GMT -5
Amen sistah!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 6, 2014 13:40:21 GMT -5
Haven't read everything, but wondering if Phoenix joined a church in the area? Colorado Springs is a bit more conservative and might be more what he is looking for so worth if the right fit hadn't been found. Do you volunteer?
Have you ever considered asking why someone didn't want to go on a 2nd date? I'd do it by email, and only ask the ones who I thought would be nice about it, but just see if you could get some feedback from someone who sat down with you.
I agree that the goal at this point should be meeting people, and not quite so focused on meeting "the one". I didn't actually see your list of requirements but others have mentioned the degree and career trajectory. Those aren't necessarily exclusive (speaking as a career trajectory woman without a college degree married to a person with 2 degrees and no career ambition), but if you're weeding out people before you even meet them based on that checklist you could be missing out on potential matches.
And another thought--do you really want to be putting down roots in Denver? If not, then even more reason to focus on meeting people and just trying to get that 2nd date. There is no pressure for a long term commitment when you know you want to move sooner rather than later.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 6, 2014 13:54:13 GMT -5
One of my guilty pleasures is listening to what they call the "second date update" on the radio. One person thinks the 1st date went wonderfully and is wondering why the other person doesn't want to go on a second date. When you hear both sides it is amazing how different they are. The most interesting one was when a lady (mid 20's) went out with a guy she met online and she thought it was a magnificent date. She just couldn't figure out why in the world this guy didn't want to see her again. They get the guy on the radio and ask him. He says you want me to be honest. The dj says of course and the guy says I don't want to date her again because she is a racist. He said she had something negative to say about every single person in the place that wasn't white . I didn't see that one coming. The girl just hung up the phone. She didn't say one single word in her defense which leads me to believe she probably is a racist. This chic obviously had no idea her behavior was so appalling to this guy. If I had been him she would have known because I would have ended the date immediately and told her why! Another story was that a girl didn't want to date this guy again because he showed up in those toe shoes. Admittedly, I thing those things are hideous (though they say they are good for running) but it wouldn't make me not go out with a man again if I liked everything else about him.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 13:55:11 GMT -5
in Laralei's defense there are some comments and posts that Phoenix makes that push my buttons and make me what to smack him upside the back of the head. While I appreciate his candor and the alternate view there have been a few times when I've thought "what an arrogant ass". I have to be honest (and my apologies to you Phoenix).
I think it's because he is a bit rigid in some of his opinions and many of those opinions seemed to be based more on theory than experience. As a 38 year old that's been married for 17 years and has a 16 year old son I have very different opinions on marriage, raising kids, current trends in bullying, etc. than 29 year old single guy with no kids.
I don't remember all of the threads but when there's a thread on say "Disciplining your kids" and a post starts with "Well I don't have kids, but when I do....." Or "I'm not married, but when I am, my wife...."
I honestly used to let those things get under my skin but then I realized that it's just a difference of opinion and if I look back at my life I'm sure that there are hundreds of times in which I've thought "I would never" and then gone on to do what I swore I'd never do or say or what have you.
There is a great disconnect sometimes between Theory and Experience. I just have accepted that some of Phoenix's opinions are based more on Theory than Experience.
I've made it my life's mission (not really) to needle him to into changing the rigid opinions and views he has on some things.
Again- my apologies to Phoenix if I've offended you. No, not really. I wouldn't have started the thread in the first place if I wasn't prepared for some criticism. As was stated before, sometimes friends (which can include online friends) are afraid to be frank for fear of hurting other's feelings.
So if I'm a jackass, then so be it. Something I need to work on.
In my defense though, my "theories" aren't always hogwash. It's a simple example, but when visiting my friend a couple of weeks ago and interacting a lot with his baby, things played out very similar to how I'd imagined.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 14:05:11 GMT -5
omg! talk about a disconnect!!! I imagined awkward, skinny guy in outdated clothes. You look cute. Definately not ugly. And I don't see anything wrong with your clothes. Maybe the jeans a little but too comfort cut, but not too much. If I just saw your picture, I would actually think that you looked aggressive. I think it's your strong jaw line. Someone said something similar. bunnysmom?? Maybe grow out your hair to soften your features a bit. But overall you are a nice-looking guy! Look, I know women who are beautiful, smart, educated with great personalities and can't get a boyfriend to save their life. And here I am, moderately attractive, educated with really messed up in my head with an overall difficult personality, and I have almost never been without a boyfriend. Sometimes, it makes no sense. I agree that the jeans are a little too loose in those pics. I only have 3 pairs of jeans currently. The other two pairs are dark blue and a little more "form fitting" but not "skinny jeans." Those are the types I would wear on a date.
My wardrobe overall is pretty simple. It's either a polo shirt like in the first one (in different colors) or sweaters of the same type in the second pictures, just in different colors paired with jeans. Jeans go with everything, or so I'm told.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 14:14:33 GMT -5
Phoenix? What authors do you like? What genre? What are you currently reading? I have read all the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child. I also like Alex Berinson (not sure if I spelled his last name right), David Morell, David Baldacci.
Mostly thriller/action/suspense/mystery type stuff.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 6, 2014 14:15:52 GMT -5
Phoenix? What authors do you like? What genre? What are you currently reading? I have read all the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child. I also like Alex Berinson (not sure if I spelled his last name right), David Morell, David Baldacci.
Mostly thriller/action/suspense/mystery type stuff.
You can talk about your favorite authors and why you like them. I would think that a love conversation for a first date
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 14:19:48 GMT -5
No, not really. I wouldn't have started the thread in the first place if I wasn't prepared for some criticism. As was stated before, sometimes friends (which can include online friends) are afraid to be frank for fear of hurting other's feelings.
So if I'm a jackass, then so be it. Something I need to work on.
In my defense though, my "theories" aren't always hogwash. It's a simple example, but when visiting my friend a couple of weeks ago and interacting a lot with his baby, things played out very similar to how I'd imagined.
You've come to the right place because in my circle of friends I'm known for being brutally honest. Your theories aren't all hogwash. Usually they make sense logically, you and I are just usually not on the same page opinion wise. Which I can appreciate since I enjoy a spirited debate.
FWIW- I think that you are a decent guy and a great catch for some lady. My advice has been pretty consistent- break out of your shell/comfort zone. Start talking to people more so you get more comfortable at it. I know it's not an easy suggestion or something that will happen over night.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 6, 2014 14:25:25 GMT -5
in Laralei's defense there are some comments and posts that Phoenix makes that push my buttons and make me what to smack him upside the back of the head. While I appreciate his candor and the alternate view there have been a few times when I've thought "what an arrogant ass". I have to be honest (and my apologies to you Phoenix).
I think it's because he is a bit rigid in some of his opinions and many of those opinions seemed to be based more on theory than experience. As a 38 year old that's been married for 17 years and has a 16 year old son I have very different opinions on marriage, raising kids, current trends in bullying, etc. than 29 year old single guy with no kids.
I don't remember all of the threads but when there's a thread on say "Disciplining your kids" and a post starts with "Well I don't have kids, but when I do....." Or "I'm not married, but when I am, my wife...."
I honestly used to let those things get under my skin but then I realized that it's just a difference of opinion and if I look back at my life I'm sure that there are hundreds of times in which I've thought "I would never" and then gone on to do what I swore I'd never do or say or what have you.
There is a great disconnect sometimes between Theory and Experience. I just have accepted that some of Phoenix's opinions are based more on Theory than Experience.
I've made it my life's mission (not really) to needle him to into changing the rigid opinions and views he has on some things.
Again- my apologies to Phoenix if I've offended you. No, not really. I wouldn't have started the thread in the first place if I wasn't prepared for some criticism. As was stated before, sometimes friends (which can include online friends) are afraid to be frank for fear of hurting other's feelings.
So if I'm a jackass, then so be it. Something I need to work on.
In my defense though, my "theories" aren't always hogwash. It's a simple example, but when visiting my friend a couple of weeks ago and interacting a lot with his baby, things played out very similar to how I'd imagined.
There is a difference between your kid and someone else's. Thinking i was prepared for having kids because of the time spent with my sister's kids was part of why I think I developed PPD. I thought I was prepared, I thought I knew what it would be like. I thought in theory this is how it works. Nothing prepared me for having a baby that refused to sleep from the very first night it was born. Granted it is a very rare occurance (so I'm told, DD was a little better, but not much, I at least had coping mechanisms down by then). Unless you are living with the baby and getting up with the baby in the middle of the night, and even then it won't be the same because every baby is different. There is more to it than that, but it something to think about.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 14:25:54 GMT -5
Phoenix? What authors do you like? What genre? What are you currently reading? I have read all the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child. I also like Alex Berinson (not sure if I spelled his last name right), David Morell, David Baldacci.
Mostly thriller/action/suspense/mystery type stuff.
ok - so assignment for you then. (to get you comfortable talking to people).
Go to the Library or Barnes and Nobles- tell the lady working what authors you currently enjoy reading and ask if she has any suggestions or recommendations for other authors you might enjoy. Maybe it's my charming personality but when I'm checking out at B&N they always chat me up about my books and make recommendations for me.
We swung by the local Insomnia Cookies place last week and noticed the girl working walking in carrying all of the Harry Potter Books. She was all "oops, excuse me while I put these down" and her co-worker came up and said "did you see her haul? She got all of the books for like $10 off craigslist! I've been telling her to read them for months now" I spent the next 15 minute talking authors and books with the two of them and recommended a few authors for them and they recommended a few to me. We found we had a few favorite authors in common. Readers love other Readers. Everyone I know that's a true reader loves talking about books, authors, etc.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 6, 2014 14:26:10 GMT -5
Haven't read everything, but wondering if Phoenix joined a church in the area? Colorado Springs is a bit more conservative and might be more what he is looking for so worth if the right fit hadn't been found. Do you volunteer? Have you ever considered asking why someone didn't want to go on a 2nd date? I'd do it by email, and only ask the ones who I thought would be nice about it, but just see if you could get some feedback from someone who sat down with you. I agree that the goal at this point should be meeting people, and not quite so focused on meeting "the one". I didn't actually see your list of requirements but others have mentioned the degree and career trajectory. Those aren't necessarily exclusive (speaking as a career trajectory woman without a college degree married to a person with 2 degrees and no career ambition), but if you're weeding out people before you even meet them based on that checklist you could be missing out on potential matches. And another thought--do you really want to be putting down roots in Denver? If not, then even more reason to focus on meeting people and just trying to get that 2nd date. There is no pressure for a long term commitment when you know you want to move sooner rather than later. I'm not really a "member" of a church, but I do attend one regularly. The church I go to is a bit unconventional, it doesn't have membership. One reason I like it is because it is a relatively youthful church. I've been to some that are nothing but a sea of white hair. There are a LOT of young people (including women) at the church.
I don't want to sound defensive, but I'm a bit weary of volunteering, in church or elsewhere. I'm not a big fan of making specific commitments to be somewhere at a specific time to do work. I mean, I already have a job, I don't need another one. I'm just worried that it might cause fallout if (using church as an example) I can't make it one Sunday because I'm on vacation or visiting my parents or heck, just don't feel like doing it that week. Plus I do need to work overtime on occasion on the weekend. I just don't want to cause any issues by making promises I might not be able to keep.
No, I do not plan to put down roots here in Colorado. I am actively looking for another job. Even without the supervisor issues chronicled on another thread, there's no advancement potential here for someone in my line of work. It's been really good experience, but I recognize I need to start thinking about moving onward and upward. Getting a promotion in the federal government usually will require me to move out of state. And that also kinda goes back to the issue of commitment I mentioned before. I've always been kind of reluctant to "put down roots" anywhere, and that includes making friends.
But I think it's clear I need the practice, if nothing else. Besides, it might make the time I have left here more enjoyable.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 6, 2014 14:33:20 GMT -5
I can understand that, but most people understand that too, but if you can't make it one SUnday or whenever the activity is, then just let someone know. I currently teach Sunday School. I don't particularly like it, but we've had a lot of strife in our church and the few kids we have left (5 total including my 2) deserve to have Sunday School. But I still have a life. I still take Sunday's off. I just find someone to take my place. If your church does an evening VBS, you could volunteer for doing recreation. A lot of church's have sound guys that rotate or someone just to fill in. Just because you are volunteering, doesn't mean you are strapped to it for a long period of time. You don't have to respond to my specific suggestions, it is just something to think about.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 6, 2014 14:40:37 GMT -5
Ok- you are starting to frustrate me right about now.
You like your church but don't want to volunteer because you might have to go out of town one weekend? Volunteering is supposed to be fun. It's not a full time job. All those other volunteers have full time jobs too! They won't expect more than you can do. You've been reluctant to put down roots because you don't enjoy living in Colorado? Do you think some of your animosity to the area could have something to do with not having friends there?
Dear god man! Put in some effort! I hate being stuck in my job and can't wait until I get to move. But in the mean time I'm still making friends here. Still socializing and doing my thing. That's the wonderful thing about friends- they want the best for you! My FB feed is full of friends that I haven't seen in years but they are still my friends, we still talk and reminisce about the good old days. When I move 70 miles north of here I will still have my friends in this town. We will still chat and get together. I'll still drive down to see them, they'll come up to see me. Hell I could move across the county and I'd still fly back twice a year for my regular girls weekend with my girlfriends.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Jun 6, 2014 14:52:14 GMT -5
Phoenix, you are making excuses. Believe me, I'm good at that, too. Just do it, already. Pick a one time event, no long commitment to start. Then try something else. It gets easier each time, and it's supposed to be fun. That's the point, enjoying yourself with other people.
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